- If you're watching
this at home,
then I suggest you stay there.
Because with complete
pandemic lockdowns
lifting for the
entire country in time
for the holiday shopping season,
the promise of robust
Christmas sales
combined with lingering
supply chain issues
makes for a truly Black
Friday to kick off
the holiday shopping season,
which has been
limited to online only
for the last three years.
I must say, I feel terrible
for the retail workers.
- Chris!
I told you to watch
the door, not the TV!
- Sorry.
- Where are your glasses?
You need to have them on
your eyes at all times.
Let us in. Let us in.
- They're here.
Let us in. Let us in.
Let us in.
Let us in.
Let us in.
Let us in!
Let us in!
Let us in!
- They want in.
Let us in! Let us in!
Let us in! Let us in!
Let us in! Let us in!
- Let's get ready.
Let us in! Let us in!
Let us in! Let us in!
- Two minutes.
- Look at them.
Let us in! Let us in!
- They haven't been
free for three years.
No matter what,
we're a team,
and we stick together.
Let us in! Let us in!
Let us in!
- There's so many.
- Call 911 if you have to.
I'll understand.
- Let us in!
- Let us in! Let us in!
- Chris, get the door.
Someone hit the lights.
Go! Go!
Let us in! Let us in!
- Hi, Leni.
This is gonna be your
Christmas. I just know it.
Oh, hun, you know I would
take you if I could.
I'm sorry.
Come here.
- Oh, hi.
How can I help you?
- Oh, I'm just
here to see Leigh.
She's one of the employees.
- Okay, I'll page her for ya.
- Usually I just, I go back.
- Hey, Chris. Hi.
This is Chris. He's
always welcome.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I'm new.
- She's in the back.
Hush, my dear
Hold your peers
Be here in this warm embrace
Heed my words
Hear this song
Let my love make you strong
There's no need for
this heartache tonight
There's no reason to
shut out the light
There's no need for
us to argue and fight
We are together
And baby, it's Christmas tonight
- You should sing more often.
- My granny used to
sing me that song,
but you didn't hear anything.
I, I only sing for
puppers, not people.
- You should change that policy.
- Someone's in the
Christmas spirit.
I wish I could say
it looks good on you.
Wow.
How was that
Black Friday shift?
- Yeah, uh, it was not good.
- Yikes.
Well, why don't you go
home and get some rest?
- Jenn just got back from
her parents' Thanksgiving
and I really don't wanna
deal with her right now.
- Oh.
You and your dad didn't go?
No, her
parents hate my dad, so.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- So is her dad older
or younger than yours?
- My dad is two years
younger than her dad.
- Yikes.
- I mean, they're 20 years apart
and she wants to
be my new mother,
but like I can't
let that happen.
- Yeah, I get it.
Well, you and your dad
should've came over
to my house for Thanksgiving.
My mom made an amazing
turkey that my dad
could not stop raving about.
- I might take you
up on that next time.
Jenn was talking to
my dad about inviting
my grandpa over for Christmas,
so I might need to be rescued.
- Really? Rescued from what?
- So what's your beef?
- Beef?
- Beef.
Problem. Issue.
- I don't have any beef.
- You don't?
- No.
- No?
- No.
- You're 16.
- Right.
- You got plans?
- Plans?
- Plans after graduation.
- I'm not sure.
- You're not sure?
- That's right.
- What kind of a kid isn't sure?
- A kid like me, I guess.
- How are you gonna make it?
- My good looks.
- Your grandpa sounds
like a great time.
- He's just obsessed
with me goin' to college.
I don't think he understands
that I don't need college.
I have the greatest
job in the world.
I sell overhyped technology
to gullible consumers.
- Hey, at least you have money.
- I can get you a job at the
shop if that's what you want.
- It's not that I
want a job there.
I just, I would like to
start this pet sitting,
dog walking service, you know?
It just sounds like a dream.
- What's stoppin' ya?
- There's so many
start-up costs,
and insurance, and
I have to be bonded,
and a website, and you know,
a million other things
that I need to buy.
It's just a lot
of start-up costs.
- Yeah.
I bet Christmas is a great
time for these dogs, though.
- Yeah.
My , my granny
used to say that Santa
would come and get these
guys homes for Christmas.
I wish that were true.
- Who knows, maybe Santa
can get me a new family.
- You have a family.
Go spend some time with them.
- Humbug.
- Merry Christmas.
- Off to work?
- Looks that way.
- Can I pack you a
sandwich or something?
You're right.
- Yeah, um, I'm late, so have
fun with whatever this is.
You are strong
and capable and powerful.
You can do this.
Now hold that pose
and remember to breathe.
- No way do I have your touch.
Thank you for this.
- Jenn, you home?
Jenn?
- Where else would I be?
I'll never get tired
of being greeted like this.
- Mmm, I expected
you home an hour ago.
Where have you been?
- Oh, I had just
something to take care of.
You know, that divorce case?
I can't talk about it.
I cannot disclose.
No big deal.
- Very weird.
You're being very weird.
- No, I'm not.
- Mmm-hmm.
- No, I'm not.
- Yup.
Okay, fine.
- So this is really somethin'.
- Yeah, well, I, uh,
it'll be better once
the tree is done.
So if you could help me with
that, that would be great.
It's a family holiday, Jim.
She's family.
- Any word from Alf
about Christmas dinner?
- Well, I think he's coming.
It's hard to tell
because he just got
a new smartphone and
his texting, not great.
- Really?
He's had one of those senior
citizen flip phones forever.
It's big with big numbers.
- Yeah, well, I guess
he's trying to catch up
with the times.
Everyone else said
they're coming, though.
That's for sure.
- Are you sure
you wanna do this?
- Jim, really.
It's gonna be good,
for everybody.
- The lawyer in me
needs to make sure
you understand and I
disclose that this is
all Amy's side of the family,
and they could be
a little strange.
- Your brother Pat
is gonna be there.
- You'll love Funcle Pat.
Everybody loves Pat.
The kids worship him.
If fun had a name,
it would be Pat.
- That's weird.
I thought fun
already had a name,
and it was, hold on.
Oh, it's fun.
- Oh, is that a bit?
You doing stand-up now?
- What about Alf?
He seems like the
life of the party.
- You could say that.
I warned
ya!
There's only room for one
old man at this house!
That's the last time that
fat geezer ruins the roof.
Venison for everybody!
- I'm sorry. That's awful.
I don't want this to be awkward.
Maybe I'm overstepping.
I can just as easily
go to my parents'.
- No, no, no.
I'm sure they'd be
very happy with that,
but we want ya here.
- Does we include Chris?
- I appreciate
everything you're doing.
The decorations and
bringing everybody together.
It's really nice.
- Well, do you think
he'll be excited?
- Let's just hold
off on telling him
till we make sure nobody
cancels, you know?
Just give it time.
Then we'll tell
him together, okay?
- Okay.
Hello?
- Um, hi, Mom.
Who is this?
- It's, it's me.
Um, I was just calling to see
how your Thanksgiving went.
Um, and if it'd be okay if
I came up for Christmas?
If you want
something, call your father.
- I, I don't want anything.
I...
It's not like I can
reach Dad anyway.
You know that.
I'm living with some
friends right now, um.
What do I
care? You're an adult.
Stop calling me.
Dad?
Dad?
- How was work?
- Stupid. What are you doin'?
- Laundry.
- So, um, I have this friend
who wants to start a business.
- What kind of business does
your friend wanna start?
- It's not me, Dad.
It's this girl I know.
I just thought we
could help her out.
- Did she ask for your help?
- No.
- Chris, just ask her out.
- It's not like that.
- Sure. Of course not.
What do I know.
- Forget I asked.
- It's perfectly
natural to be nervous.
- I'm not nervous.
- Then why concoct this
scheme to be around this girl
instead of just asking
her out like a man?
- You don't understand.
- Oh, I understand.
- Wait. Hold on.
Don't act as if it didn't
take you a whole year
to ask me out, Jim.
I still had to make
the first move.
- See, that's more of an our
generation type of thing.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- He just called you old.
Or me young. I'm
not really sure.
- If she's really serious
and wants to make money,
she's gonna have to
file a business name
and create an
LLC.
- You're really gonna help
her with this, aren't you?
So sweet.
- Okay, shh.
Just doing some
undercover research.
Don't tell anyone, please.
- Yeah, uh-huh.
You like her, don't ya?
- No.
Just admit it.
- Do you really think
she needs an LLC?
- Yes, and insurance.
She's gonna have to get bonded.
- You two really do
make a cute couple.
What if you get married?
Oh my gosh, they would
have the cutest babies.
- What?
- Oh my gosh!
- She really could
use something positive
in her life right now.
That poor girl. She's all alone.
- Wait. What about her parents?
- Oh, you didn't hear?
Oh, they ditched her.
She is living in this disgusting
basement apartment thing
with her friends.
- I took her home from
work the other day
and I was scared for my life.
Anyway, my brother's
an insurance agent.
I should totally introduce you.
- I'm rockin'!
- All right, Jack!
- What's the verdict, boss?
- It's really comin' together.
- Thank you.
You okay? What's wrong?
- Don't think I've
ever seen this one.
- Good news, bud.
We're having Christmas
Eve dinner here,
and the whole family's comin'.
It will be just like
when you were a kid.
Everyone.
Grandpa, Aunt Mandy,
Uncle Matt, your cousins.
- And?
- Funcle Pat.
- Mmm-hmm.
How long has it been since
everybody got together?
- Well, Amy was sick for two
years before the shutdown.
- Stop.
They're acting like
you don't matter.
Like you never existed.
I can't forget that
Christmas was your day.
f*ck! Come on.
What's up, Dad?
- Look, she's
trying her best, I-
- I know.
- This is all new to
her and I should've,
just please be patient.
- I don't want her
doing my laundry.
- Okay.
I get it.
She's just, uh- -
Trying too hard.
- Look, with this Christmas
Eve dinner coming up,
we all have to figure
out a way to get along.
Can I count on you?
- You know it's
gonna be hard seeing
everyone else without her.
- I know.
- Good morning, Leni.
I brought your favorite!
I might spend
Christmas with you.
Don't get adopted
before then, okay?
All right.
- Get adopted till when?
- Oh, nothing. What?
- Smooth.
So, remember when
I said my grandpa
might be coming to Christmas
and I'd probably
need to be rescued?
- Yeah.
- Well, now my whole
family's comin' to Christmas,
and I definitely
need to be rescued.
- Oh, uh, Chris.
- I'm not asking to bail
on your family's plans.
But do you think it
would be possible
for you to come to my
house on Christmas Eve?
- I might have to talk
to my family first.
- Okay, before you commit,
I need to let you know
what you're getting into.
- Okay.
- So every year we play
this White Elephant game.
My grandpa likes to
put lousy gifts in
and a ball of cash and
everyone fights over it,
and he calls it
Christmas Cage Match.
- Interesting.
- My Aunt Mandy is neurotic.
My cousins Kelli and
Cole are total nerds,
especially Kelli.
She's like this frumpy
little book worm
that would rather
read the dictionary
than have a
conversation with you.
So, my Uncle Matt is
scared of my Aunt Mandy,
so he doesn't really talk,
and nobody knows what's
going on inside of his head.
- Is there anyone else I
should be worried about?
- Yes.
My dad's brother, Uncle Pat.
We call him Funcle Pat.
If he can't make you
smile, you're not human.
No one really knows
what he's gonna do next,
and he's probably
the only person
I'm looking forward to seeing.
- Wow, it sounds like every
family needs a Funcle Pat.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I guess I could go.
- You'll come?
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Are you making
Amy's applesauce?
- Yeah. Tell me I can do this.
- You can do this.
- Thank you.
- And if you can't,
you're still incredible.
And we have lots of cheeses.
- Oh, that's good.
- And you could always fall
back on your amazing looks.
- For how long?
- Forever.
- Oh, thank you, Mr. Sweet-
- Oh, come on. Gross.
Ugh.
- Did you clean your room?
- I don't think we're
goin' into my room.
- Take out the trash
when you go out.
And then come back
and clean your room.
- Wanna nail him?
He's still there.
- I'm rockin'!
- All right, Jack!
- How was work?
- What are you doin'?
- Laundry.
Sorry, bud. Occupato.
Work?
- Bad.
- Food?
- Got it.
- Girl?
- Bye, Dad.
Dad, come on. I
need to do laundry.
Sorry.
Ow! Oh! No can do.
Hey,
we're headin' out.
Please make sure you
lock up when you leave.
It's the least you can do.
- Wait, I thought you were
gonna give me a ride later.
Babe? Babe?
What?
Did you say we'd
give Leigh a ride tonight?
What?
Did you say
that we would give Leigh
a ride tonight?
A ride where?
Yeah, we don't
remember saying that.
- But I-
- Let's go.
We're gonna be late!
Sorry, kid.
You're gonna have to figure
it out for yourself tonight.
Let us know how it goes.
- Ugh.
Please make sure
you lock up when you leave.
- We have one too many, hon.
- Oh, no we don't.
- No, Jim.
We don't.
- Yeah.
Oh.
What does this mean?
I, mmm.
I don't know.
- Fire.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Ugh.
Chris?
Your door's locked.
- I know.
Can you just do me
a favor and text Grandpa
to see if you can
tell what he needs?
He got a new phone and I
don't know what he's saying,
and I don't think he knows
how to answer our calls.
- Fine.
Thank you.
And why don't you
come downstairs
when you're done to help Jenn.
I heard that.
- Text Grandpa.
Hey, Grandpa. It's Chris.
Chris, your grandson.
Can you read this?
Oh my, sh**t me.
- Go, go, go, go.
- Okay.
Do you think they'll like it?
- They're gonna be so impressed.
Well, thank you.
Oh, god.
- For whom the bell tolls.
Who's first?
- I'll go see.
- No!
- No looking.
We made a game about it.
You have to guess who it is.
- I'm gonna say Grandpa.
- I'm gonna go Uncle Pat.
- Leigh.
What's the bet?
- 10 bucks.
- Deal.
- All right.
I'm rockin'!
- Ready?
- Hi.
- Tell me you're Leigh.
- Yeah.
- Ha! Cough it up, boys.
- I'm Jim, Chris's dad.
This is Jenn, my girlfriend.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
- Can I take your jacket?
- Would you like a drink?
Um.
- We have cheeses.
- No thank you. I'm okay.
Uh, can I help
you with anything?
- Oh, no.
- Just keep us calm.
I'm rockin'!
- Good for you, Jack!
- Merry Christmas.
- How are you?
Where's the kid?
You asked for it.
Merry
Christmas, Grandpa.
- All right, get on with it.
Come on, man.
So, you must be Jenn.
Well, I'll tell you
somethin', the house looks-
- This is Jenn, Alf.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Excuse me.
So you just be Jenn.
- Yes.
- Well, the house looks great.
And thank you for putting
this all together.
You know, Jim's an
attorney, but he couldn't,
he couldn't, he couldn't
organize his own briefs.
- Yeah, that's true.
- Anyway, so you, young
lady who's not Jenn,
what is your name?
- Leigh Cabot, Mr. Landon.
It's very nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- I've heard a lot about you.
- And you guys are, uh?
- Leigh's a friend of mine.
She works at the
shelter downtown.
- Friends.
- Yeah.
- Okay. Well, when do we eat?
So, you're goin'
to college, huh?
Boy, you better be.
I sent you a hundred
bucks for graduation.
Then I couldn't figure
out how to log in
to watch the ceremony.
- I've been thinkin'
about art school.
Kinda. Sorta.
- Kinda sorta?
You wanna draw or somethin'?
- Graphic design.
Maybe.
It is the PA College
of Art and Design.
- Let me tell you
something, Chris.
The longer you wait,
the faster the sand runs
through the hourglass.
What about you, young lady?
- I'd love to one day, sir.
Right now I'm focusing
on starting a business.
- Starting your own business.
Now that's a good idea.
What's your passion?
- It's silly, but...
I love dogs, and I
wanna start dog walking
and doing dog sitting services.
I just need to
save up some money,
and I'm going to do this right.
But college is part
of the plan, too.
Who needs it?
This oughta be fun.
- Okay, who's at the door?
I'm rockin'!
- It's Mandy and her brood.
Get ready to rumble.
- Merry Christmas!
- My aunt and uncle are here.
Oh, Daddy, oh my god!
- How are you?
- Hey, Jim. How's it goin'?
- Did Santa make an early
Xanax delivery to your house?
- Warm as a cry for
help, Dad, as always.
- He looks like the unabomber.
- Matt, Mandy, this is Jenn.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh!
- Hey, man, what'd you do?
Get her in the mail from Russia?
Or one of those 90-day
television programs?
Chris!
This is
my friend Leigh.
Uh, Leigh, that's my Aunt Mandy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey, Chris.
- How you doin', buddy?
- He never fails to disappoint.
- Now she's your version
of a nerdy bookworm?
I don't wanna know where I rate.
- I guess a lot can
change in three years.
- Kelli.
- Hi.
- Oh my god.
- Hi.
- Hi!
- Where's Cole?
- He's still outside.
That dummy dropped the
presents all over the ground.
- That kid has been
on my shi-naughty list
for the last year.
You have no idea.
- Oh my god.
You look absolutely
stunning in that dress.
And your hair? Oh my god.
You are gorgeous. OMG.
I love you.
You are perfect.
You are!
- She speaks in
exclamation points.
- You did good, Uncle Jim.
- Oh!
- She is awesome.
- Hey, I think you've
been watching too much
of that TikTak or whatever
it is that dumb kids
watch on the internet.
- TikTok, Grandpa.
- CrepeCrap.
- Actually, I have
my own channel.
- She's been making good
money with endorsements.
She just might have a career.
- Well, make all the
money you can, kid,
'cause when your looks
are gone, you're done.
- Uncle Pat?
- Oh for god's
sake, it's the kid.
You want an engraved invitation?
Get in here.
- Hi, Grandpa. Merry Christmas.
- Yeah, I got more
gifts in the car
when you put these away.
Come on.
I'm rockin'!
- Whoa! Everybody
hold the phones.
I got to know what is goin' on
with the goofball next door
sittin' on the front porch
rockin' in a rockin' chair.
- Hello, pot. I'm
kettle. You're black.
- Oh, that's just Jack
next door, Uncle Matt.
He likes to rock in his chair.
I could only wish to
be as happy as him.
He's nice.
- Well, he looks like a martian.
Hey, Jim, what you say you
let me walk around the house
a little bit and
scope the place out?
- Be my guest.
- I am your guest, Jim.
I mean, what do
you mean by that?
What are you trying to say here?
- Nothin'. Just
means go ahead, Matt.
- Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, it all looks
under control here.
He wants to make
sure the house isn't bugged.
- Well, I guess you shouldn't
show him these, huh?
OMG!
Digi sunglasses?
I want those.
Like, you don't understand.
- All right, well, I
better get dinner started.
- Uh, can I help?
- Sure.
I'm coming, too.
- Don't forget
Grandpa's presents.
- It's been a long lockdown.
- You have no idea.
Oh!
- You should be a
guest on my show.
- Jenn?
- Mmm. Mmm-hmm?
- My god, I would love that.
You could make some big money.
- Wow.
- And you.
I want you to glow
up on my channel.
I get like all these
products for free.
We do this awesome
before and after,
and then your glow up
blows up my channel.
- Um, is there a problem
with the way that I look now?
- It's a compliment.
She's saying you have potential.
- Okay.
- Honestly, Jenn, you should've
just had this catered.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
I didn't want to have people
work on Christmas Eve.
- Oh, please, they
chose the job.
Are you making
homemade applesauce?
- Yeah, just an
online recipe I found.
- Oh, Amy used to
love to make that.
She had this big family cookbook
filled with her
favorite recipes.
It's gotta be here somewhere.
- Um, Mandy?
I lied.
- Kelli, stop with
those stupid sunglasses
and help your Aunt Jenn,
help Jenn with this applesauce.
- Um, okay. Well, the
apples need to be mashed.
There you go.
- Okay.
- You can cook?
- Uh, a little bit, yeah.
- Oh, no, no, no.
The cooked apples.
Mash the cooked apples, please.
- I can't get anything
on this dress.
- Here. I got you.
It's just water. Okay.
- So what's new, Cole?
I mean, besides the obvious.
- Could be better, Grandpa.
- Um, what happened with Kelli?
- Yeah, that's an
extreme makeover.
Matt, you should
get one of those.
- Now what exactly you
tryin' to say by that, Alf?
- I'm not tryin', I'm sayin' it.
The pandemic was a virus,
not early onset dementia.
- It's a long story.
I don't really want to
talk about right now.
- Don't worry.
- Your mom will.
- Funcle Pat?
Thank god!
- Here's Pat!
Jesus, Pat.
You look like all
the side effects
for a medicine commercial.
- I'm really looking forward
to Catch Match Christmas, so.
I'm rockin'!
- Good for you,
Jack! Good for you!
Well, I'm gonna get
a drink and potty.
- Merry Christmas,
little brother.
- Hey.
It's, uh, it's been a long time.
- Uh, this is
Jenn, in the flesh.
Hi.
- We've been going
back and forth
through electronic mail.
It's good to finally meet you.
- Good to meet you as well.
I've heard a lot of good things.
- Okay.
- Well, how is life
treating you, Pat?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh.
Uh.
Uh, well, actually if
you really wanna know,
um, yeah,
Laurie and I are done.
Uh, we broke up for
good this summer.
So, ah.
I lost my job.
I can't find a new one.
I'm, uh, six months
behind on rent,
and my car is about to die,
and I
have a boil
on my butt
that needs to be lanced.
I think it's infected.
- Merry Christmas, Funcle Pat.
- Chris!
Yeah, Funcle Pat.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Funcle Pat, yeah.
- It's good to see you.
- Uh, this is my friend Leigh.
- Don't screw him over.
- I get you, Uncle Pat.
I get you.
Who is it?
- What a weird thing to ask.
Hurry up in there!
You alone out here?
- No.
They're watching.
- They? They who?
- Them.
- What do they want?
- You know what they want.
- I wouldn't know
where to start, Alf.
There is so much
weird stuff happenin'
in this world these days.
- You don't say?
- The pandemic.
That was all one
big distraction.
- A distraction from what?
- Aliens.
- Oh, lizard people.
- Mmm-mmm.
Mmm.
The grays.
From the far away land
of Zeida Reticuli.
- Don't worry, Jack.
Dad's got your back.
- Matt.
Matt, Alf.
You don't even know your
own son-in-law's name.
- They're watching.
- Who are you?
- I'm just a man that
needs to pee, Jack.
A man that really needs to pee.
Mmm-hmm.
- I should've done
a background check
when Mandy brought him home.
Oh, I got to pee.
- Hi, guys.
I'm here with my fam
making homemade applesauce.
It's like a famous
family recipe.
And OMG, it's like low-key,
the best thing ever.
You're so jealous
right now, I know.
Merry Christmas!
- Look at her go.
Beauty and brains.
Oh, yeah.
- I'm so proud of you!
- Phew.
You are working so hard.
Take a load off.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
This has to be perfect.
- You have a lot to learn
about this family, honey.
Alf! Hey!
What the?
- Matthew!
What, uh, what
exactly are you looking for?
Hmm.
- He's checking to see if
your pupils react to the light
and turn long like a reptile's.
- Seriously?
- I am serious.
Unfortunately, so is he.
- Oh, for god's sake, Matthew!
They're not lizard people.
- Pretty bad when she's
the voice of reason.
- Cole, Matthew.
Family meeting right now.
- What did I do this time?
Hmm.
- Well, um, I'm gonna go
anywhere else.
- I'll come, too.
- I never knew ginger ale could
be used as a cooking hack.
- Oh, yeah.
- Aw, give me a break.
- What?
- Not you.
Glasses?
- One sec.
- Really?
- One sec.
Ew. Reality is gross.
- Jenn, can we help
you with anything?
- Sure, um.
Can you start bringing things
out to the table, please?
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- It's really tough coming
back here with Amy gone.
There should've been a service.
We should've been there.
- Yeah, well, the
pandemic had other plans.
You need another drink?
I'm gonna.
- Uh.
Jenn's a,
a real pretty girl.
Nice work.
- I know what you think.
- Nah, I don't think you do.
- I have a hunch.
- Okay, look, we've
always been straight
with one another.
You know me.
One word.
- Go for it.
- Biology.
Huh?
- Biology.
All right, Jenn's what?
She's, uh, 25?
Somethin' like that?
- Somethin' like that.
- So...
What are you doing?
Come on.
You're supposed to be the
smart, successful son.
- Don't start that.
- Oh, come on.
You know Mom loved
you more than me.
You're the firstborn.
I read. I know how stuff works.
- How what works?
- Oh, man.
Does, does Jenn want kids?
Do you know?
Are you going to be
changing the diaper
of your second-favorite
child when you're 60?
- I don't know.
- What about Chris? Huh?
Have you thought about that?
What about your wife?
- Amy?
- Amy, yeah.
Yeah, she, uh.
She died, man.
That's...
Just messed up.
- Yeah, well cancer
will do that.
- It's just, I...
I don't understand how
you're always so okay.
- My life's a mess.
It's not, it's not fair.
You know, I just,
I look at you and no matter
what gets thrown your way,
you always seem to
land on your feet.
- You don't know the
first thing about
what I've been through.
I'm just doing the best I
can with the one life I have.
So you decided to
throw yours away,
it doesn't obligate the
rest of us to follow suit.
- Hey, Funcle Pat.
I was just tellin' Leigh here.
Um, do you remember
when you drug us
across the backyard
in the snowmobile?
Like you tied the
kiddie pool to it
and Mom was really mad?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I had to sell that snowmobile
to pay for groceries.
- Okay.
- Jim, you're owed
two apologies.
The first one from my
husband for calling
you all lizard people.
And the second one, from Cole.
- Hey, can I talk
to you for a second?
Cole?
- I don't know why I'm
supposed to be apologizing.
- For being a little
snarky- - It's fine.
It's good.
We're all happy you're here.
- Let me ask you somethin'.
Do you love her?
- No, we're just friends.
- Well then there can only
be one explanation for this.
Now I get it.
There's 147 reasons you
don't want Jenn and your Dad
to, you know, and
between us, I'm with ya.
- I'm not- - Shut up.
- When your grandma died,
I thought I'd never
be happy again,
and for a long
time that was true.
But then eventually
you start to heal.
And if you're very lucky,
happiness will find you.
- He's not happy.
He's delusional.
- If there's a difference
between the two,
I've never seen it.
Hey!
Oh, really?
- Ah, wanna thank everyone
for making the venture out
for the first family
gathering in over three years.
Jenn and I are blessed
by your presence.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Oh, and um, I would like
to say something as well.
A toast to Amy.
It's her recipes, her kitchen.
Without her, none of this
would've been possible, so.
To Amy.
- To Amy.
- Time for food.
Dad!
- Jenn, did you wood
chip the Morton salt girl
and sprinkle her in here?
- It's like seawater.
- I, I didn't.
Kelli made the sauce.
- Don't blame her for
your lack of supervision.
- You did this on purpose for
one of your stupid videos.
- What? No I did not!
- Not everything is
a conspiracy, Cole.
- Lizard people thinks there
isn't a conspiracy here?
- I'm sure it was
just a simple mistake.
I didn't mean anything.
- My daughter's an angel.
She would never
disrespect Amy's recipe!
- Do you really
think I would try
and ruin Christmas with a prank?
- This is my nightmare.
- I'm not Grandpa!
- Oh, come on.
You're already dumb. You
don't have to act it.
- Oh, she's the
one who's typical?
Really? You really
wanna go there?
Jim!
Enough with the glass.
- I know I heard
somethin' up here.
Somethin'.
We got us a whole
lotta maybe somethin'.
Oop! Wait a minute!
- Yeah.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah.
I wanna go there.
You all wanna know
why they're mad at me?
- Cole, don't you dare!
Just shut up and drop it!
- Why don't you take
your own advice, Mom.
I'll tell you all why.
Last summer me and my
girlfriend, we got serious.
- Serious? How serious?
- About as serious as
you can get, Uncle Jim.
- Cole, this is not
dinner conversation.
It's Christmas!
- Mandy, head it!
I wanna hear the kid.
Pass the bread, Leigh.
- Yeah, that'll work.
- You wanna know what they did?
Oh, my dear mom
got so freaked out
that she and Dad made me
move school districts.
- You guys moved?
- No.
That's just it.
They lied to the new school.
Said they were divorced,
and then Dad used his brother's
trailer as a residence.
- That's ill*gal.
Ya think?
- That's awful.
- Right?
You're not even in the
family and you get it.
- I get you, Cole.
I really get ya.
- Took me out of my school
where all my friends were
for my senior year.
I lost my friends, I
lost my girlfriend.
I hate everything.
- Yeah, I got one.
Ugh.
Man.
Ah! Oh!
Ah!
- Mandy.
- He's exaggerating, Jim.
It wasn't like that.
- It wasn't?
I had to take a bus to Uncle
Walt's trailer every day
and one of those two
would come pick me up.
- That's major fraud, tax fraud.
Don't you think your reaction
was a little extreme?
- Extreme? Really, Jim?
He was 16.
- It's not like he
committed some crime,
but you two might of.
- It figures you
would side with him.
Huh, what
do you mean by that?
- Well, she's referencing, uh.
I know what
she's referencing.
- None of you know
how hard it's been
for me these last three years.
- Where I thought
I'd find the problem.
Got myself into a problem.
Oh! Oh!
Oof!
Ah!
- Dogs are better than people.
- Mmm.
You need to meet Leni then.
Who's Leni?
- Oh, a dog that I
watch at the shelter.
- Mmm, yeah.
What? Are we holdin' ya up?
Please continue. We're all ears.
- Well.
I'm gonna end up having
to leave out of here
with the whole toilet
bowl attached to me.
Uh!
- Why can't you be
more like your sister?
- You serious?
At least my girlfriend
wasn't like 50 years old.
Mom, she tells you that her
money comes from endorsements,
but really her boyfriend,
her 50-year-old
married boyfriend
is sending her money.
- He's lying.
None of this is true!
He's just trying to
draw attention away
from his screw ups.
- Well let me see
your phone then.
- No.
Kelli?
- Mommy.
Mommy!
- Well, don't want
it to go to waste.
- Maybe before I go home I
could stop over and meet Leni.
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Uh, uh, would you,
would you wanna walk him?
- I think I would.
- Well, can't get any worse.
Wow.
Just wow.
I'm so sorry.
- Oh, don't be.
Chris warned me that things
could go south today.
It's fine.
- Yeah.
I forced everybody together.
I thought it was
gonna be a good thing.
And turns out it's not.
- Don't say that.
I mean, so yeah, I mean,
the applesauce was a mess,
but that's not the
end of the world.
And you did such a good job
getting everyone together.
I mean, family is so important.
- Yeah.
Should've spent the
night with your family.
Bet they're totally normal.
Well.
Hey, I
think the power's out.
- Perfect time for the
Christmas Cage Match.
Okay, so we all know the
rules, but for newcomers,
the gifts are put into that box.
First player gets a gift
out of that box, opens it.
Second player can
either steal that gift
or get another gift
out of the box.
And there are some
clunkers in there,
but as always,
there's some treasure.
2,000 big ones.
So it's
like White Elephant?
- We call it
Christmas Cage Match.
- Why is that?
- You'll see.
- Okay, who's the first player?
- Where?
I saw it!
Okay.
- Thanks, Grandpa.
- No. Why?
- Pull it together, soldier.
You still got a w*r to fight!
- Please.
Can't your
husband buy you alcohol?
- Oh, thanks, Mom.
- Oh, come on.
- Ew! What is that?
- Oh, look at this.
You shouldn't have.
Huh.
It sees you while
you're sleeping.
- That's just,
that's so last year.
- Did Kelli get two gifts?
- I, just don't worry about it.
- It's my turn now, right?
Hmm. Oh.
- No!
- Oh, I don't think so!
This was her gift.
You may take this.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Don't shush me!
- I'm not interested
in what you think!
You're not playing by the rules!
I don't care!
- You're not playing!
Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!
The money's mine!
- Most traditions are
lame, but this one just,
this one's worth holdin' onto.
- Ah, he bit me!
- Are you okay?
- He assaulted me!
Hush, my dear
Hold your peers
Be here in this warm embrace
Heed my words
Hear this song
Let my love make you strong
There's no need for
this heartache tonight
There's no reason to
shut out the light
There's no need for
us to argue and fight
'Cause we are together
And baby it's Christmas tonight
Oh
It's Christmas tonight
Oh
It's Christmas tonight
With everyone fighting
over White Elephant,
I realized that no one
wants to talk about
the elephant in the room.
I didn't know Amy,
but I feel like I do.
She's everywhere in this house.
And though I've only see
one picture of her, I,
I can't help but think that
she would've been the
mom that I always wanted.
I don't have a family.
I sleep on a mattress
in a basement
off of the charity of people
that I pretend are my friends.
I would love to have a
family like all of you.
I would love to have
a mother like Amy
or Mandy
or Jenn.
You're angry,
and I get it.
I'm angry, too.
Not for the same
reasons, but it's,
it's Christmas,
and we're all pretty lucky
to be here together, tonight.
Chris.
She was your mom.
I can't imagine what
it must've been like
not being able to
say goodbye to her.
- I, I miss her every day.
She was your daughter.
That's not how it's
supposed to happen.
A parent should never
have to lose their child.
She was your sister.
I would be mad, too.
You loved her.
She was your wife.
The mother of your son.
I'm so sorry, Mr. Marsh.
I'm so sorry you lost her.
None of you
got the closure
that you deserve.
The pandemic robbed
all of you of that.
It stole something
from all of us.
Something much more
important than a wad of money
in a pile of gifts.
You were owed better,
and so was Amy.
Maybe it's time
to steal it back.
- When my girls were little,
I could protect
them from anything.
When Amy needed me the most,
I couldn't protect her.
I couldn't even
be there for her.
I couldn't hold her hand.
I couldn't even tell
her I loved her.
I miss her every day.
I know you do, too.
I know we all do.
I love you, too, Mandy.
I don't tell ya
enough, but I love you.
- Amy was everything to me.
We met in college and
I fell in love with her
the moment I cheated off of her
for our political science exam.
I remember when Chris was born,
when they handed him to her.
I knew in that moment that
she was put on this earth
to be that kid's mom.
When he turned one
she wrote a poem
for his first birthday and
had it published in the paper.
She wasn't Emily Dickinson, but.
You remember it?
"Our son is one today.
He is my life, my
world, come what may.
I will watch him grow
and listen to every
word he'll say.
One day he'll become
a man and go away,
but for now our son is
one today."
Hardest closing argument ever.
Jenn.
You've done nothing but
show respect to Amy.
We're all here because of you.
None of this would be possible
without your amazing,
caring, loving heart.
You deserve a lot more attention
than what you've been getting.
Hasn't been easy,
and I know that.
I'm sorry.
But I'm in awe of your
strength and courage,
and you brought
happiness into my world
when I didn't think
it was possible.
Jenn.
I lost the ring, so use
your imagination, but.
- My god, Jim.
- Wait.
- What do you say?
- Uh.
Uh, no.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Jim, I love you.
But, um, not now.
And maybe not ever,
but, uh, that's okay.
I mean, this family
obviously needs to grieve,
and you all deserve that.
And I'll never replace Amy.
We need to know if that's
what's been going on here.
And I'm not your mom, I know.
But I also know that
she would be very proud
of the man you're
growing up to be.
I'm sorry.
I love you, Jim.
- Here.
Use that to get
back on your feet.
- Okay. Shh.
- Okay.
- What would you think
if I adopted Leni?
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- I haven't had a
date in 20 years,
and dogs are chick magnets.
You always see all
these single ladies
at the dog park, and if
they see me with Leni,
they're gonna think, oh my gosh,
I guess he's not terrible.
- I mean, I would love that.
I'd miss him a little bit,
but he'd be in a good home.
- Well, you'd still
see him 'cause I need
a dog sitter once in awhile.
- Right.
I haven't started
my business up yet.
- Well, I could
be your investor.
I can help you get
it up and running.
- I, I can't accept that.
- You know, my late
wife used to say
if someone gives
you a wonderful gift
and you're embarrassed,
just say thank you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Merry Christmas!
- So, uh, what'd I miss?
Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas, Jack!
Merry Christmas!
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