Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special, The (2022)

[bunniefuu]

(MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN: (SINGING)

It was Christmas Eve, babe

In the drunk tank

An old man said to me

Won't see another one

And then we sang a song

The Rare Old Mountain's Dew

I turned my face away

And dreamed about you...

(LAUGHING)

Hey, this one looks good.

What in the fires of Ogord

y'all think you doing?

Hey, Captain. We're just, uh...

Have you ever heard of Christmas?

What?

Well, it's a celebration we have

once a year on Earth,

where everybody gets presents

for each other.

So, me and Kraglin made this tree

and we got gifts for everyone.

It was Pete's idea.

Eh...

-And this one here's for you.

-Don't come at me with no damn gifts.

What a Ravager gets, he works for.

We ain't about no damn handouts.

-It's more like a sign of appreciation.

-That sounds more like sentiment, boy.

That may be okay for you

mushy types on Terra,

but out here in the cold rigors of space,

it's what'll get you k*lled.

And you, you ought to know better.

Now, get this crap out of here.

If it ain't out of here before I get back,

you're both gonna be cleaning the latrines

for the rest of the damn year.

-But that's Gef's favorite job.

-You talking back now, Kraglin?

No.

(YELLING ANGRILY)

I hate Christmas!

And that's how

Yondu ruined Christmas forever.

That is so sad.

(LAUGHS)

I like the part where Yondu

kicked over the tree.

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Anyways, I just saw on the Multi-calendar

that right now on Earth,

it's almost Christmastime.

So, yeah, it kind of brings back

some memories.

Yondu had a point.

Ever since buying Knowhere

from The Collector,

we don't have time for trivialities

like Christmas.

This place needs a lot of fixing up

before it's livable.

-Yeah, I reckon we've got work to do.

-Yeah.

That was such a heartbreaking story.

I know. I hate stories

where everybody lives.

-Thank you.

-Yeah.

Cosmo, what use is telekinesis

if you can't even aim?

COSMO: You wanna do it? Do it.

Just concentrate, you stupid mutt.

(BARKS)

What?

COSMO: I refuse to do any more work

while you demean me.

All right, all right.

I'm sorry. Chill out.

COSMO: Also, I want one of those

delicious treats in that bag.

(ROCKET GROANS)

(BARKS)

(COSMO GIGGLES)

ROCKET: All right, that's it.

Back to work.

BZERMIKITOKOLOK: Here he comes.

Hey, Peter.

Oh. Hi, Bzermikitokolok.

My bandmates and I have been mastering

these old Earth instruments

and working on a little ditty.

And I thought you might

be able to help us out

as it's about

one of your Earth traditions.

-Oh?

-Christmas.

Oh.

Everything I know about Christmas,

I learned from Rocket,

who learned from Cosmo,

who learned from Kraglin,

who learned from you.

So I thought I might just take it back

to the source

and make sure

I understand this all correctly.

This is, after all, a historical document.

-Okay. Yeah, sure.

-Okay.

(SINGING) Out on the third planet

closest to the sun

There's a special celebration

And it sounds quite fun

A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone

On a holiday they call Christmas

That's perfect. Good. Bzer, good job.

Now I'm not gonna lie

Oh, there's more.

It makes no sense to me

But here's what I've discovered

about this Christmas mystery

I'm super busy. Is this a long song?

One, two, three.

Santa is a furry freak

with epic superpowers

He flies to every human home

in under 14 hours

He's a master burglar

No.

A pro at picking locks

No.

If you don't leave milk and cookies out

He will put dung in your socks

That is not part of the lore at all.

If you act nicely through the night

And don't jump on your bed

Santa comes with sugar plums

and hurls them at your head

But if you're on his naughty list

He shoots missiles at your toes

He might just roast your chestnuts

With his powerful flamethrower

No, he doesn't have a flamethrower.

Rein, rein, rein, rein, rein

That's kinda cool.

Deer, deer, deer, deer, deer

I don't know what Christmas is

But Christmastime is here

He's compelled his creepy elves

to do his every wish

Huh?

One sought to be a dentist

Now he's sleeping with the fish

Mrs. Claus, she works the pole

Plans her man's demise

No!

Soon the elves will all rise up

And stab out Santa's eyes

I am Groot.

h*, h*, h*, h*, h*

Earthlings are so weird

That's true.

I don't know what Christmas is

But Christmastime is here

h*, h*, h*, h*, h*

Earthlings are so weird

I don't know what Christmas is

But Christmastime is here

What the heck's a turtledove?

And who lit up that deer?

I don't know what Christmas is

But Christmastime is here

I don't know what Christmas is

But Christmastime is here

Or maybe it's there

Or it's somewhere

I don't know.

-You just got these instruments?

-Thank you, Knowhere.

(CROWD APPLAUDING TEPIDLY)

Have you ever seen a crowd more into it?

He loved it, guys. (SIGHS IN RELIEF)

It sounds like Christmas

is a wonderful time,

and Yondu ruined it for Peter.

I feel like I should do something.

-Why?

-Because of, you know, my secret.

The one only you know.

That you ate the entire bowl of zarg-nuts

in the commissary?

-My other secret.

-That you're Quill's sister?

Why don't you just tell people the truth?

Peter's father, our father,

k*lled his mother and tried to k*ll him.

I don't want him to be reminded of that

every time he sees me.

No, I meant about the zarg-nuts.

Oh. I don't think anyone cares

about that but you.

Maybe because I'm his sister,

I feel like I should give Peter

a happy Christmas.

He's so sad about Gamora being gone.

Maybe if we gave Peter

a really wonderful Christmas gift,

it would make him happy.

Well, we could give him those zarg-nuts,

except you ate them all.

Get over the zarg-nuts!

-What kind of present?

-Something special he will never forget.

-What about someone special?

-What?

Over the years, Quill has talked about

one person more than any other.

A legendary hero

who has saved countless lives.

We could give him to Quill as a present.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)

-(CAR DOOR SHUTS)

-(MUSIC STOPS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Kyra, hey, honey.

-KYRA: Hey, baby.

-(CHUCKLES)

I can't wait for you guys

to get back from New York.

-Did you get the stuff?

-Yep.

Yeah, I got all the presents.

Everything is set

for the perfect family Christmas.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN: (SINGING)

I don't care what the neighbors say

Christmastime is near

I don't care what anyone says

Christmas is full of cheer

All I know is that Santa's...

Wow!

I wonder which one belongs to Kevin Bacon.

(SOBBING)

Drax, why are they staring?

You put the cloaking device on

like you said you did, right?

Yes.

I can plainly see that you just did it

right now in front of me.

-No, I didn't.

-Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

I wish I brought Groot.

So, we'll go down into the city

and ask people where Kevin Bacon is.

DRAX: Do you think

Kevin Bacon is the leader of the world

or just to most people?

-I think everybody.

-Oh! I'm so excited.

(BOTH LAUGH GLEEFULLY)

MAN: (SINGING) I can hear the sleigh bells

coming around the bend

Here comes the darkest end

Christmas is here

(GASPS) Look.

(GIGGLING EXCITEDLY)

(WOMAN EXCLAIMS)

Steve!

-Why is he running away?

-I don't know.

-Hey!

-No! I'm sorry. GoBots k*lled his cousin.

-I'll rip your head off!

-Drax! Stop being a bigot.

(BELL DINGING)

Oh. Hey, can we get a picture?

Come on, guys. Come on. Ready?

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

-Okay, amazing. Thank you so much.

-Thank you.

We got a picture with the God of w*r.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(CROWD CHEERING AND WHOOPING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

My dear

Is this Christmas?

Whatever happened to that festive cheer?

(LAUGHING)

(DRAX GRUNTING)

MANTIS: Could Kevin Bacon be in here?

WOMAN: (SINGING)

Don't think I have the energy

To add to my already mad rush

-(MUSIC CONTINUES)

-(CROWD CLAMORING)

The perfect gift for me would be

Completions and connections left from

Last year, ski shop

Encounter, most interesting

Had his number but never the time

Most of '81 passed along those lines

So deck those halls

Trim those trees

Raise up cups of Christmas cheer

I just need to catch my breath

Give us your finest libations.

Have you seen Kevin Bacon anywhere?

Why would I know where

Kevin Bacon is located?

Calendar picture, frozen landscape

Chilled this room for 24 days

Evergreens, sparkling snow

(HISSING)

Mmm. More.

(MANTIS GIGGLES)

(MANTIS WHOOPS)

-Come out and dance with us.

-Dancing is for people who are pathetic.

(CHUCKLES)

-Well, how about a drink then?

-Yes!

Two shots of tequila, please.

-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

-(MANTIS LAUGHS WILDLY)

(LAUGHING HEARTILY)

(LAUGHING)

-(WHOOPING)

-(LAUGHING)

I can't believe not a single one

of our new homies (HICCUPS)

know where Kevin Bacon is.

There are tens of thousands of people

on this planet

and we don't even know

what Kevin Bacon looks like.

MAN: (SINGING)

Said it was like Christmas

You wanna know where Kevin Bacon lives?

Yes.

That's 40 bucks.

Uh-oh.

I don't know where my money is.

Give it to me for free.

By the time we got to Oslo

Give me all your money.

The snow was gone

MANTIS: Drax, move faster.

MAN 1 ON TV: It won't be exactly the same

as the one you have on Earth,

but I'm sure it will serve your purpose.

MAN 2: Good. Good.

Now I'd like to get going

and have the toy shop operating full-blast

so that I can return

to Earth for Christmas.

'Cause, you know, Mrs. Claus

is a very good-natured woman. But...

Santa Claus,

you will never return to Earth.

Wait.

(LAUGHING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

KEVIN: Yeah. Can I help you?

(GASPS)

Yes. We are looking for

the legendary Kevin Bacon.

We're looking for

the legendary Kevin Bacon.

I just said that, Drax.

Your voice is small and mousy.

I think maybe he didn't hear you.

He heard. He's Kevin Bacon.

He's probably got great ears.

I'm sorry, guys. I can't help you.

But wait, wait, wait, wait.

-(RINGS DOORBELL)

-Hello?

-(RINGS DOORBELL)

-Hello?

-(RINGS DOORBELL CONTINUOUSLY)

-Hello? Hello? Hello!

He's gone. Look what you did.

You acted weird

and you made him not want to talk to us.

Sorry.

Do you think you can toss me

over the gate if you...

(MANTIS EXCLAIMS)

Ow! (GRUNTS)

-What are you doing?

-Tossing you over the gate.

I didn't mean right that second.

I meant after I was ready.

I wasn't even done talking.

Toss you over the gate.

Don't toss you over the gate.

Make up your mind.

Whoa!

(GASPS)

-I want this funny man.

-Don't just take stuff.

(GASPS)

Oh.

But I guess that's what it's here for.

-(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

MANTIS: Kevin Bacon!

Kevin Bacon!

Kevin Bacon!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Kevin Bacon!

Kevin Bacon!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

-Kevin Bacon!

-(BANGING ON DOOR)

Okay, guys, I don't know what

you're thinking, but this is not cool.

This is private property.

Now, kindly put down my elf

and my candy cane and go.

I'm calling the police right now.

(GASPS)

OPERATOR OVER PHONE:

911. What's your emergency?

You're coming with us.

As a Christmas present.

911. Can I help you? Hello? Hello?

There's two... I don't know what they are.

People in costumes.

(GASPS)

MAN: (SINGING)

I want an alien for Christmas

Bring me an alien this year

I want a little green guy

About three feet high...

(SCREECHING)

I want an alien for Christmas

this year

-DRAX: Wait.

-What?

I left my little funny man

back in the house.

-What?

-I wanna go back and get him.

But Kevin Bacon is gonna get away.

But you still have your swirly

red and white curly man.

How can you possibly think this is a man?

-What is it?

-I don't know. A shape?

Well, how is it fair you get to keep it

and I don't?

Because I was responsible

and held on to it.

Drax, do you love Peter

and want to save Christmas?

Or do you want a little funny man?

Uh...

-A little funny man.

-No!

(SIGHS)

(MANTIS SNARLING)

(SIREN WAILING)

-Mr. Bacon. We got your 911 call.

-You gotta get these things away from me.

Hey, I'm a police officer.

I don't know what's going on here,

but you need to back up or I'll sh**t.

Raise your hands above your head! Stop!

-(g*n FIRES)

-(DRAX CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

Stop. It tickles.

Stop. I'm gonna pee my pants.

(DRAX LAUGHING)

-Sleep.

-Hey!

-Sleep.

-Let him go! Let him go! Let him go!

Freeze! Get on the ground!

Get on the ground!

Sleep.

(SIREN WAILING)

(DRAX LAUGHS HEARTILY)

Drax! You can't just k*ll people.

Well, how am I supposed to know the rules

if no one tells me?

Are you okay?

We are not doing anything wrong.

We are just taking the legendary hero

Kevin Bacon,

to give him as a present to a friend

who is sad about Christmas.

Okay.

Here.

I really wanted this,

but we're even now, okay?

Sure.

That doesn't look like a man to you,

does it?

A man? No.

Of course not.

My friend is being an idiot.

(PANTING)

(GASPS)

You would love to come with us.

-Hey, where are we going?

-First, there.

Whoa!

Coolness.

CHORUS: (SINGING)

Shoo bop, shoo bop

Sha la la la la

Shoo bop, shoo bop

WOMAN: I ain't got no time for it now

Oh, no, no

I got to make this holiday glow

CHORUS:

Like a lightbulb

Are you friends with the Fonz?

-Who?

-The Fonz.

-Fonz. He's a hero, like you.

-Have the two of you ever had a team-up?

Oh. Well, the Fonz's real name

is Henry Winkler.

And, yeah, I do know him.

He's a very nice guy.

Would you consider grabbing dinner,

like, one time a team-up?

No. Eating together is not a team-up.

Tell us, what was it like

when you had to save a small town

by dancing like an idiot?

Oh. Well, that wasn't me.

That was a character that I played,

Ren McCormack, in the movie, Footloose.

What?

What about when you fought and defeated

the super-strong masked k*ller

Jason Voorhees in the woods?

Yeah.

Nope. Again, not me.

Just a character I played.

And he didn't actually k*ll Jason.

He got stabbed through the neck

with an arrow.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah.

He's an actor!

He's never actually saved anyone.

-But actors are repugnant.

-I know.

(RETCHING AND COUGHING)

They make me feel gross and creepy

when they pretend to be someone else.

(CHUCKLES) No.

Acting is a wonderful profession.

I mean, you don't get to live

just one life,

you get to live so many lives...

(GROANS) We got Quill the worst gift ever.

A disgusting actor!

-This is the worst day of my life!

-We ruined Christmas worse than Yondu.

Peter was a child when he left Earth.

His memory is all screwed up.

He doesn't remember things right.

Kevin Bacon, you have to pretend

you're an actual hero,

or else Christmas is doomed.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Blimey, mate.

I can't wait to storm them Nazis

on the beach.

-What are you doing?

-I'm a hero, ain't I then?

I'm a private in the British Army

during World w*r II.

No. Just your regular voice.

(IN NORMAL ACCENT) Oh. Okay.

Yeah, sure, fine. Hello. I'm the Batman.

-I mean, hello. I'm Bruce Wayne.

-Who is Bruce Wayne?

No! Don't be someone else. Be Kevin Bacon,

but, like, if you didn't suck!

(LAUGHS)

That's something.

How weird. 'Cause, like, normally,

it would really piss me off,

but I don't know.

Right now, for some reason,

I just feel really great about all of it.

Hmm.

We hate you.

MAN: (SINGING)

We watch the children playing

Beside the Christmas tree

Presents are wrapped up

It's beautiful

And secretly the gifts you hide

The fun awaits for you inside

Christmastime has come

There'll be toys for everyone

'Cause Christmastime has come for you

I remember dreaming

-Wishing, hoping, praying for this day

-(MOUTHING)

Now I sit and watch them

The little ones I love

So excited by the way

Christmastime has come

There'll be toys for everyone

'Cause Christmastime has come for you

And now the word is given

It's time to peer inside

Are you kidding me?

So anxious for your look of joy

Merry Christmas, Peter.

From me and Drax and, you know,

all of us, really.

Christmastime has come

There'll be toys for everyone

'Cause Christmastime has come

For you

Oh! You guys.

There'll be toys for everyone

What did you do?

'Cause Christmastime has come

For you

(BOX THUMPING)

KEVIN: Hey, uh, guys,

I'm about to pass out.

There's no air in here.

(MANTIS GIGGLES)

Ta-da!

You must be Pete. Merry Christmas!

It's Kevin Bacon. He's not a loser.

He's great. We don't hate him at all.

What'd you do?

-What?

-What did you do?

-We got you Kevin Bacon as a present.

-You got me a human being as a present?

What better gift for the guy

who has everything

than an actual human living person?

This isn't a Christmas gift!

This is human trafficking!

-Yes!

-It was mostly Drax's idea.

It was.

Hey, Pete, I got to stick up

for these guys,

because to tell you the truth,

I am totally stoked

about the whole thing, man.

-You used your powers on him, didn't you?

-Maybe. I can't remember.

Get Kevin Bacon out of the trance now!

Just be what you really are.

-(SCREAMS)

-(GASPS)

(SCREAMING)

Dude, calm down. We're not gonna hurt you.

-That's a talking raccoon.

-I'll k*ll you. Don't ever call me that!

Whoa!

Sir, sir, sir. Right here, right here.

Kraglin, prepare The Bowie

for his transport back to Earth.

-Aye, Captain.

-Mr. Bacon, I am so sorry.

This is really embarrassing.

I know you're worried sick

and your family is, too.

We're gonna get you back home immediately.

I am Groot.

Oh. Suddenly you thought

it was a bad idea all along?

I am Groot.

Dude, I literally just saw you

wheel him out in front of everybody.

I'm gonna let you go, Kevin Bacon.

Don't run.

-You're not gonna run?

-No, no. No, no, no.

(SHOUTS IN FEAR)

-Go get Kevin Bacon.

-I've got it.

-Don't k*ll him.

-NEBULA: You can't outrun me, Bacon!

Hey, that man was a plant.

Oh, Groot? He's just a kid.

Sorry about all this stuff.

What's that on your head?

That is a device for

controlling a flying arrow.

But I ain't quite got the hang of it yet.

I know this must all be a shock to you,

but it's only 'cause you mean a great deal

to Pete that they've done it.

Pete didn't have much to love growing up,

but one thing he did love

was telling us all stories about you.

-Me?

-You saved a town through dancing.

And once, Pete saved the whole galaxy

with dancing. For real.

You taught him how to be a hero,

and now he might just be

the greatest hero alive.

Mant and these dopes,

they was just hoping you'd bring the joy

of Christmas back into his heart, is all.

(FEMALE CHORUS VOCALIZING HYMNAL)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Whoa!

How on earth do you get reception up here?

Couple of good satellite dishes out front

will get you anything within about

400 million light-years.

Hi, honey.

KYRA: Are you at the house?

Yeah, no, (STAMMERS)

I'm just with some friends.

Oh, okay. Well, what time

do you think you'll be home?

Hey, would it be okay

if I'm just a little bit late?

I got some friends here that

kind of need to learn about Christmas.

(FEEDBACK WHINES)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) When we are born

We are swaddled and snuggled

Whispered to, fussed over

Tickled and cuddled

When we grow up things get muddled

And here it is Christmastime

Will you stop by

for a piece of delicious peach pie?

While I tell you my yuletide wishes

You can help me do the dishes

'Cause here it is Christmastime

And we all want someone

Who will love us and hold us

To curl up alongside

When nights are the coldest

And we all want someone

Who will hug us and kiss us

All I want is you for Christmas

Let us examine the holiday spirit

Let the small kids sing

so we can all hear it

Light up a fire and pull the chair near it

'Cause here it is Christmastime

Bucky's arm?

We all want someone

Merry Christmas.

Who will love us and hold us

To curl up alongside

When nights are the coldest

And we all want someone

Who will hug us and kiss us

All I want is you for Christmas

(GUITAR SOLO PLAYING)

(GASPS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

When we are born

we are swaddled and snuggled

Whispered to, fussed over

Tickled and cuddled

And when we grow up things get muddled

And here it is Christmastime

And we all want someone

Who will love us and hold us

To curl up alongside

When nights are the coldest

And we all want someone

Who will hug us and kiss us

All I want is you for Christmas

-All I want is you for Christmas

-(CHUCKLES)

All I want is you for Christmas

(SONG ENDS)

(ALL CHEERING)

-The best Christmas ever.

-Oh, come on. Bring it in.

Okay. All right.

-Love you, guys.

-COSMO: We love you, Kevin Bacon.

ALL: Bye, Kevin Bacon.

ROCKET: See you, Kevin Bacon.

-DRAX: We love you, Kevin Bacon.

-Hey, I'll see you at Easter.

Wow. I guess all actors aren't

complete pieces of sh*t.

I can't believe you guys did

all of that for me. I mean, why?

Why what?

Why would you go to the trouble of going

all the way to Earth

to abduct Kevin Bacon?

Kraglin told us the story

about how Yondu ruined Christmas.

So we wanted to save it for you.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm not sure Kraglin knows how

that story ended.

(FEMALE CHORUS VOCALIZING HYMNAL)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

That is so sweet.

That's Yondu.

I guess I just wanted to do something

special for you, because, well...

-What?

-Your father, Peter.

-He might be...

-Ego? He might be what?

He might be...

He is my father, too.

Wait. So does that make you my sister?

(MANTIS EXHALES DEEPLY)

Mantis, that's the greatest

Christmas gift I could ever get.

(CHUCKLES)

(FEMALE CHORUS VOCALIZING HYMNAL)

-Merry Christmas, Mantis.

-Merry Christmas, Peter.

MAN: (SINGING)

I could have been someone

WOMAN: Well, so could anyone

You took my dreams from me

when I first found you

MAN: I kept them with me, babe

I put them with my own

(BOTH LAUGH)

Can't make it all alone

I've built my dreams around you

The boys of the NYPD choir

Still singing Galway Bay

And the bells are ringing out

For Christmas Day

(CHORUS VOCALIZING)

(FEMALE CHORUS VOCALIZING)

-Oh, come on, Groot!

-COSMO: Groot ruined Christmas again.

Now we got to have another special.