In Search of Santa (2004)

[bunniefuu]

Once upon a time,
in the South Pole, to be exact,

at the bottom of the world,
where freezing is a fact,

on a snowy island
where penguins love to flock,

a colony of penguins
stood at Royal Rookery Rock.

For the penguin king and queen
had recently been blessed

with two perfect eggs
upon their royal penguin nest.

- It kicked!
- Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ah! Oh! Ah!

Clean some water!
Boil some sheets!

Ambulance! Medic!

Where's help when you need it?

(echo)

Oh,

Hello,

By law and decree
it was rather widely known

the first chick to hatch
would inherit the penguin throne.

And though that chick arrived
mere seconds before her twin,

as soon as she was out...

she tried to crawl right back in.

Ahh!

(whimpers)

Ahh!

Mama, Mama,

Oh,

She has your beak, Penelope,

We shall call her Crystal,

p*stol?

Why, why, why,
that's no name for a future queen,

Isn't that ridiculous?

Crystal!

Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

And then, with the mightiest shriek
and the shrillest shout,

the second penguin princess
chopped her way out.

Ta-da!

Huh?

(crowd) Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

Oh, and you, my dear,
shall be Lucinda,

Last but not least,

Little Lucinda
turned many shades of green

for only first-hatched
could be the future queen.

- (blows a raspberry)
- (giggles)

Princess Crystal grew up smart.

She was awfully nice,

she led with her heart,

and she loved dancing on ice.

But, alas, poor Crystal was a bit of a klutz

when trying to perfect
a maneuver called the triple lutz.

Whoooa!

Ooow!

They called her "Princess Clumsy"
to her constant consternation,

but Crystal preferred to ice-dance
than attend her hatchday celebration.

(sighs)

One day I'll get it right,

Happy hatchday, Princess Crystal,

Happy hatchday, Princess Crystal,

Teach us how to ice-dance, Princess,

- And later you can tell us a story,
- We love your stories,

Especially the ones with mean witches
and scary pirates, Aaarrgh,

After the party, we'll have
an ice-dancing, story-telling slumber party!

Yeah!

(sighs)

You'd rather skip it, wouldn't you?

I feel so stupid at parties,

Smile and wave a lot,
You'll be fine,

- You'll be warming up the crowd?
- Mm-hm, Who else?

- Break a wing, Eugene,
- Yeah,

- If they don't break it for me first,
- (giggles)

King and Queen, Deep Thinkers,
ladies and gentlebirds,

Brace yourselves for
the comedy stylings of royal funnybird

Eugene the fool,

(audience cheers)

Eugene's on,

Boo!

(crash)

I want all eyes on me, not her,

Yes, Princess Lucinda,

Glad to see everyone in black tie today,

Hey, is this a hatchday party

- or a maitre d' convention?
- (drumroll)

- Boo!
- Get him off,

But seriously, folks, go easy,

I'm trying out new material today

and I'm so nervous my palms are clammy,

(drumroll)

Oh, lowbrow humor,

(clicking)

- And speaking of clams,,,
- Pitiful,

,, they think the whole
ocean belongs to them,

Boy, are they shellfish?

I wonder if he does impressions,

Poor fool,

(girl penguin #)
Didn't he lay a rotten egg?

- (girl penguin #) More like a dozen!
- My sister's only friend is a fool,

How delicious!

(laughs)

And how unbecoming for a future queen,

(sighs)

- Happy hatchday, Lucinda,
- Your tiara's crooked,

(crowd) Happy hatchday!

There they are,
The hatchday girls,

% % Happy hatchday to you

% % Happy hatchday to you

% % You're looking real swell

% % Since you shattered your shell

% % Happy hatchday to you

Happy hatchday!

- Oh!
- (crowd gasps)

Whoa!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Hm-hm,

Have a nice trip,

We are not amused,

(slurp)

Ooh! Chocolate!

My favorite,

Sorry for ruining the party,

Oh, nonsense,

Another reason for
Lucinda to hate me,

Hate you?

For beating her out of the egg,
By seven silly seconds,

Can't we just give her the crown?

The crown isn't something
one gives away, my love,

But it means more to her,

You have a good head
and a generous heart,

You'll make a fine queen,

(sighs)

(laughter)

(Lucinda) Can't swim to save her life,

She's a sinker,

(laughter)

If Princess Clumsy isn't
waddling around with her beak in a scroll,

she's slipping and sliding
on Frozen Pond,

She's an embarrassment
to the royal penguin family,

(laughter)

I should be future queen,

Everyone knows
I'm the better bird,

(all) Ahem!

Good morning, Terribly Deep Thinkers,

Having a bit of fun
at Crystal's expense?

Oh, oh, oh, oh,,,

- We didn't mean anything by it,
- It was all in good fun,

- We adore Princess Crystal, honestly,
- Who doesn't?

No need for back-pedaling, ladies,

We, the Terribly Deep Thinkers, agree,

To the palace,
distinguished colleagues,

Hm, What's on your
great minds today, Deep Thinkers?

Oh, nothing less than the future
of the colony, Your Highnesses,

Yesterday's cake fiasco
is the talk of the colony,

I assure you, Lord Mortmottimes,
in a week the incident shall be forgotten,

It's obvious Lucinda
sets the better example,

She's a straight A student
and a star athlete,

And very popular with the masses,

(Queen) This is not
a popularity contest,

First-hatched inherits the crown,
It's penguin law,

- (female Deep Thinker) Loopholes,
- (Lord Mortmottimes) Poopholes?

The law scroll, Mortmottimes,

Oh, well, yes,,,

We recently uncovered certain
legal loopholes regarding this matter,

If we declare Crystal mentally unfit,,,

I won't hear of it,

It breaks our hearts too,
Your Majesty,

but let the facts speak for themselves,

Derridommis,

Fact - Princess Crystal is hardly
the proper penguin princess,

She consorts with a common fool,

She doesn't swim with the flock,

- She can't swim at all,
- She waddles alone,

She agitates the children
with subversive stories,

She's a rebel,

But these are only
opinions disguised as facts,

Don't you see?

All you've done is prove that Crystal
waddles to the beat of her own drummer,

Just like her father,
Is that against penguin law?

I hope not, Or I'd be rotting away
in the dungeon, wouldn't I?

Perhaps maternal instincts
have impaired Her Majesty's objectivity,

Crystal is future queen,
Lady Agonysia,

And that is that,

That went well,
What's for lunch?

Button your beak, Mortmottimes,

Deep Thinkers, wait!

I wish to help the cause,

Cause? What cause?

She wants what's
best for the colony,

Don't you, Princess Lucinda?

I do,

- Then watch Crystal carefully,
- Become her shadow,

- And report back everything you see
- to us,

I shall do it,

For the greater good of the colony,

Princess,

Oh!

- Sorry,
- My fault,

Where on earth are we headed?

To test my latest invention,

Mount Gigantic?

To the very top,

(Santa Claus)
h*, h*, h*! Merry Christmas!

Ouch!

Very funny,

Hello?

Who's there?

Coming, Princess?

Eugene, have a look at this,

It fell from the sky,

Strange weather we're having,

Ow! Oh! Ooh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oopsie,

(crashing)

Aargh!

Aargh!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! Ooh!

Brace yourself, Princess,
This may shock you,

You're not leaping off
Mount Gigantic in that getup,

Not leap, soar, Like an eagle,

But, Eugene,
we're swimmers, not flyers,

It's my theory
our ancestors were both,

But, over the eons, Mother Nature
made us flightless waterfowl,

Tonight, I shall attempt
to turn back the clock,,,

of evolution itself,

No longer
shall you mock me, birds of flight,

Eugene, this is madness,

But if it works,
I can become a full-time inventor,

Now stand back,

Stop, Cease, Desist,
Put on the brakes,

I command you,

This can't be good,

Whoaaa!

Eugene, It's working,

It's working,

- You're a genius, You're a,,,
- Whoa, Aargh!

Whoa!

Aaaaaargh!

Aaaargh!

- Whoa!
- Whoo-hoo!

(Lucinda moans)

Woooargh!

Waaargh!

Oooooh!

Oh,

A human place,

The Deep Thinkers would have a fit
if they found us trifling with human things,

But how can we not explore
this remarkable discovery?

When it comes to the Deep Thinkers,
I'm more chicken than penguin,

What's this strange gadget?

The little arrow
keeps pointing to N.

N must stand for nowhere.
S for somewhere...

E is obviously elsewhere.
W... wherever.

Or N is north, and S is south.

Could be,

Hm, OK,,,

Whoa!

(hissing)

Hm,

A funny-looking
bearded man in a furry suit,

Look, He drives a sleigh
pulled by flying reindeer,

My bell,

They match,

"The Book of Santa Claus."

Hm,

Santa Claus is a jolly old elf
who lives in the North Pole,

His kingdom is protected by magic walls,

visible only to true believers,

Ah,

Ooh,

All year round,
Santa and his busy elves build toys,

And every Christmas Eve,

Santa's flying reindeer
lift his sleigh high into the sky

to help deliver toys
to good little girls and boys,

What do the naughty children get?

Lumps of coal,

Princess, how does Santa know
who's naughty and who's nice?

His magic looking glass tells him,

Ooh,

Boy!

Is Santa Claus real, or make-believe?

All I can tell you is
last night, this fell from the sky,

Ooh,

A bell from Santa's sleigh,
He is real,

I told you, Awesome,

There she is,

- Arrest Princess Crystal!
- On what charge?

Aiding and abetting
the forbidden simulation of flight,

Trifling with human things,

And corrupting
penguin youth with human lies,

- Santa Claus isn't a lie,
- Blasphemy,

- Sacrilege,
- Heresy,

How does the defendant plead?

I advise my client to remain silent,

Eugene?

Has Princess Crystal
hired a fool for her attorney?

As your attorney,
I advise you to disregard the question

and all its various implications,

- Do you know what you're doing?
- No idea,

(clears throat)

Your Honors, I shall prove to the court

that the first two charges
are completely circumstantial,

And the third,
utterly preposterous,

Princess Crystal
could not have lied about Santa Claus

because Santa Claus is nonfiction,

(all gasp)

I call Princess Lucinda to the stand,

Kindly tell the court
what you saw the night of December th,

I saw two fools leap off a mountain,

(laughter)

Then you found the human place
and read forbidden scrolls,

Uh-huh, Anything else?

No,

Hm,

Does this ring a bell?

Oh, I've seen that bell before,

Did it not dislodge from Santa's sleigh,
plummet from the sky,

and wallop your sister
on the royal noggin?

(all gasp)

I gave it to Crystal
as a hatchday present,

- Oh, no,
- Remember, you're under oath,

Young fellow,
did you see the bell fall from the sky?

No, not exactly,

(all gasp)

- Sorry,
- You tried your best,

Do something,

As king,,,

I have the right,,,

that is, I believe I have the right,
to dismiss all charges and grant a pardon,

- You do,
- I shall, then, Grant a pardon,

- If Crystal simply admits her mistake,
- But, Father,,,

"I'm sorry, I was wrong,
There is no Santa Claus,"

Just say it,

There is a Santa Claus,
I know it in my heart,

- Your heart? Rubbish,
- Prove he exists,

- Prove he doesn't,
- It doesn't work that way, Does it?

We are not on trial,

Princess Crystal, you've failed
to prove that Santa Claus is real,

Therefore, by default, he is unreal,

Thereby and consequently,
and herein, ergo,,,

we, the Terribly Deep Thinkers,

rule that Santa Claus is a human lie,

Guilty as charged,

The court appoints
Princess Lucinda the new future queen,

% % We're the Terribly Deep Thinkers

% % We're walking almanacs

% % Our bones are old and brittle

% % But our minds are sharp as tacks

% % We're overeducated

% % (Derridommis) We're snooty brainiacs

% % (all) We possess
an excess of many useless facts

% % We're the Terribly Deep Thinkers

% % Our thoughts are very deep

- % % We are birds whose big words
- % % (all) Put lesser minds to sleep

% % But among intelligentsia

% % We're known as mental giants

% % And this is why when we die

% % We'll leave our brains to science

No!

No! No!

% % We're the Terribly Deep Thinkers

% % We're birds of higher learning

% % We welcome you to this barbecue

% % Of books that need such burning

% % If you find us condescending

% % You're jealous 'cause we're smart

% % We don't hesitate to elevate

% % Deep thinking to an art

% % And what we do now we do

% % With your best interests at heart

No one who cares about knowledge
would burn those wonderful scrolls,

That's what you're upset about?

What about
the bright future you threw away?

And over what?
Santa Claus, indeed!

One tries
to be a good father and,,,

You were the best father,
You taught me not to lie and I didn't,

- You should be proud of me,
- (King blusters)

Cal, why don't you
cool off in an ice-cold bath?

Try to get some rest, then,

Good night, Dad,

Do you believe me, Mom?
About Santa Claus?

I believe that you believe,

Oh,

Oh, there, there,

Things will look brighter
in the morning, They always do,

Do you believe me, Eugene?
About Santa Claus?

I believe in you, Princess,

Isn't that what counts?

But as your attorney
I advise you not to go,

It's a cold, cruel world out there,

Full of k*ller whales and leopard seals

who eat you first
and ask questions later,

- How terribly rude,
- That's it,

I'm coming along to protect you,

No, Eugene,

This time I must protect myself,
It's my quest,

I'll be all right, I have the raft,

Then take this,
Keep you on course,

Thank you, Eugene,

(laughs)

(chuckles)

Princess Crystal
has left the island,

- (Agonysia) Too easy,
- (all laugh)

(Lucy clears throat)

I,,, did see the bell
fall from the sky,

You lied under oath?

- Uh, I did it for the cause,
- (all) Whose cause?

For,,, for,,,
for the gr-greater good of the colony,

Pish-posh!
You were blinded by ambition,

You said I was the better bird,

Better to betray
your own flesh and blood?

No one will ever trust you again,

You,,,
Oh, you tricked me,

- You spied,
- You lied,

They'll blame you for everything,

You'll never be queen now,

- Where is Crystal?
- Headed for the North Pole,

- Imagine that,
- But she can't even swim,

I'd be more worried about
those nasty leopard seals,

And hungry k*ller whales,

No,
I won't let it end like this,

(all laugh)

(Lucy) Goodbye,

Crystal!

- Why are you here?
- Um, to take you home,

But I am on a quest,

(laughs)

You'll never reach the North Pole,
It's,,, it's too far,

You'll find Santa when pigs fly,

Stop it, Lucy,

Look at you - a penguin who can't swim,
in seal-infested waters,

- (growling)
- Wh-what was that?

It sounded like a,,,

(both) Leopard seal!

(both scream)

- This can't be good,
- Head for the glacier!

We'll never make it!

(dinghy splutters)

(both sigh)

L-I think she stopped chasing us,

Yeah,
Or the whale got her,

(gasps)

(both scream)

(both whimper)

Lucy, look,

(whines)

Ah, a seal pup,

- Good riddance to it,
- But he's all alone now,

Yeah,
its mother tried to eat us!

(Crystal) Here, Pup, quickly,

(Lucy) Shoo! Shoo!
Are you out of your mind?

- But the whale!
- Not our problem,

Hurry, Pup,

You,,, you don't actually mean
to take this predator under your wing?

And why not?

Um,,, food chain,

It, Us,

(laughs)

- I think he likes me,
- It's marinating you,

(whale calls)

(both yell)

- This can't be good,
- (Pup barks)

- (cannon fires)
- What the,,,?

(cannon fires)

Ready,

Aim,

Ka-boom!

(cheering)

(both) We're saved!
We're saved!

We're in a net,
We're in a net,

Ow!

Welcome aboard the Blubber Belly,
my hearties,

First mate Bubkus Bill
at your service,

He be Timebomb Tom,

Uh,,, ka-boom,

I am Crystal,
My sister Lucinda,

- And Pup,
- (barks)

Thank you for rescuing us,

Uh,,,
No, don't thank us,

'Twas the nefarious Cap'n Cragg
who gave the order,

Ah, how nice of him,

(gruff voice) Nice?!

(all whimper)

Nice?! Who dare call
the nefarious Cap'n Cragg nice?

Uh, I meant no offense,

(growls)

(all gasp)

Who's the most fearsome swashbuckler
to ever buckle a swash?

You are, Cap'n,

Who puts the irate in pirate?

Uh, well, I guess, uh,,,
you?

% % Who's the saltiest, surliest scuffler

% % Who plunders all he sees?

% % Who never says,
"Thank ye," "You're welcome",,,

Ahchoo!

% % Or "gesundheit"
when you sneeze?

Uh, ga-who?

% % Who's the ugliest and thugliest
The meanest and obscenest?

% % Whose habits are uncleanest
And so fearsome to hygienists?

% % The king of all the no-account
gnarly nasty knaves?

% % Who's that tusky tank of terror
who very rarely bathes?

% % He's known to boast and brag,
the nefarious Cap'n Cragg

Ah, lads,
you know me too well,

% % Who's got a bite worse than his bark
And a chronic case of rabies?

% % He's toothier than a shark
And steals candy from cute babies

% % He's never to be trusted
He's a dirty lying cheat

% % Without him all your nightmares
would seem so incomplete

% % He's a fiendish scallywag,
the nefarious Cap'n Cragg

One more time,

% % He's a stinking old windbag,
the nefarious Cap'n Cragg

Ha ha, that's me,

Well, what shall
we do to them, lads?

Uh, I know,
Let's have a tea party,

Why not put 'em to work, Cap'n?
Deck needs swabbing,

- Sails need mending,
- Grub needs cooking,

I'd rather walk the plank,

We'll do it,
if you'll take us to the North Pole,

What are you,,,? Don't bargain with these
barbarians, These pirates are ruthless,

Uh, that is true,
We are utterly without ruths,

But how else
will we find Santa Claus?

Santy Claus?

(laughs)

Um, what would you like
for Christmas, little boy?

(giggles)

Oh, more TNT,
Ka-boom!

Oh, and tea service for six, please,

Now see here,
I am a royal penguin princess,

and I command
to you release us this instant,

Argh!

This can't be good,

Well, let's have a look here,
Now, what are we,,,?

Ooh!

Magic flying dust, eh?
Hm,

See-all looking glass,
Huh, well,

"Only visible to the pure of heart?"

(laughs evilly)

(snoring)

The nefarious Cap'n Cragg
has decided to grant your request,

Why the North Pole, Cap'n?
Have we gone soft?

Why, no, lad,

The nefarious Cap'n Cragg
be scheming a scheme

that will make us all filthy rich,
Ah!

We're opening a fast-food franchise of
seafood restaurants with a pirate theme?

Uh, no, we're not,
Even better than that, Tom,

Tell me this, How can one man
deliver all those toys in one night?

- (Crystal) Flying reindeer,
- Reindeer can't fly, dimwit,

In a word -
"magic flying dust,"

Three words,

Where'd you get
that tacky trinket?

It's not a trinket,
It's a compass that Eugene gave me,

What do you see
in that fool anyway?

He's more than a fool,
He's a brilliant inventor,

Yeah,
"The penguin who would fly,"

I don't care
if his gadgets don't work,

- Hm, to each her own,
- So who do you like?

Me?
Ha, I have no time for such nonsense,

Although,,,
Phillip's sort of easy on the eyes,

- The royal page with the kind face?
- And very strong wings,

(giggles)

(both laugh)

Your Majesties, we,
the Terribly Deep Thinkers, feel your pain,

Unpleasant circumstances aside,
the colony requires a new successor,

This document
legally declares your daughters,,,

lost at sea,

And we
the new heirs to the throne,

A secure future
makes a pleasant present,

(chuckles)

Sign on the dotted line,

(weeps)

No!
They're still out there, somewhere,

I can feel it in my heart,

Hm,
Take another week to mourn,

We'll be back,

Land h*,
Land h*,

Anchors aweigh!

(groans)

Ah, there she is, my hearties -
the North Pole!

I hopes ye find
what you're looking for,

Yeah, And don't worry, 'cause we got
no plans to secretly follow you,

Hey!

You have no idea
where we're going, do you?

North, to Santa's,

Urgh! Even your compass
has no sense of direction,

We've come all this way
and risked our lives for nothing,

But we're close,
I feel it in my heart,

In your heart,
Your heart got us into this mess!

Well, we're almost there,
I know it,

How?
How do you know it?

I know it in my hea,,,
I just do,

Oh, why did you
have to hatch first?

You ruined my life, Crystal,
I hate you,

(tearfully) Well, I don't hate you,

(Pup barks)

What is it, Pup?

(Lucy) A man in a furry suit,

Santa! See?
I told you,

(Pup barks)

Silly, Pup, Let's go,

Uh, yoo-hoo, Excuse me,
Uh, we're lost,

Huh? Hm?

Oh! Oh,

M-my mistake,
As you were, Ta ta,

(growls with curiosity)

(chicken squawking)

(growls menacingly)

It's not a man in a furry suit,
It's a hungry bear in a furry suit,

(both gasp)

(growls)

Whoa!

(growling)

Now see here,
I am a royal penguin princess,

and I command you
to not eat me,

(whimpers)

(grunts)

Over here, you big lummox,
Nah nah nah-nah nah,

- (Crystal) Nah nah nah-nah nah,
- (bear growls)

This can't be good,

Whoa,

Hm? Huh?

Hm,,, huh?

Hm,

(growls)

(breathes deeply)

(gasps)

Huh? Agh!

(Crystal) One day I'll get it right.

(giggles)

(Pup barks happily)

You brave stupid bird,

Now let's find Santa,

(Pup barks)

(Crystal) Come on,

Max Elfman,
How wonderful,

What?
What's wonderful?

Elf,,, man,
Get it?

- Max Elfman?
- (belch)

How rude!

Let's try the igloo,

(belch)

- Whatever you're sellin', I ain't buyin',
- We're not selling anything,

- Oh, Then get lost,
- (both gasp)

We already are,

What?!

We came all the way from the South Pole
to find Santa,

Then you came for nothin',
Ain't you heard?

Santy Claus don't exist,

Now scram!

- Can we go home now?
- He's testing us,

It's part of the grand quest tradition,

He's certainly testing my patience,

- You again?
- You're not fooling anyone, Mr. Elf,

- Elfman,
- Perhaps you'd care to explain your shoes,

Looks like
regulation elf footwear to me,

I thought elves had pointy ears,

Kindly remove your hood,
Mr. Elfman,

- I don't wanna,
- Because you're hiding elf ears,

No, It's just that I have a receding hairline
and I'm a little,,, elf-conscious,

I command you
to remove your hood this instant,

- Make me,
- Delighted to oblige,

(Pup barks)

After him!

(Pup barks)

Oh, Lucy, you said we'd find Santa
when pigs fly, You're a genius,

True,
Follow that pig!

- (Crystal) Can't see them anywhere,
- But how could they just vanish?

(bump)

What is it, Pup?

- Pup found it,
- Found what?

- An invisible wall,
- Yeah, right! (scoffs)

(bump)

(tapping echoes)

Lucy, we're here,
We've arrived,

I don't see anything,

"The walls of Santa's city
are only visible to true believers,"

How am I supposed to believe
in something I can't see?

Some things must
be seen with the heart,

Oh, "with the heart" again,

Lucy, you must believe
or we'll never get inside,

I,,, I want to believe,

Close your eyes,,,

and visualize,

In the artic white stands a marvelous sight,
a city that glitters and glows,

- Even the trees?
- Oh, when it snows,

Inside, you'll find merry little elves
humming to themselves,

- loading up their shelves,,,
- ,,, with toys,

And peppermint trees with
chocolate leaves lining every street,

- Lollipop flowers,
- Candy-striped towers,

And all the sweets you can eat,

- And the chairman in charge,,,
- ,,, is jolly and large,

Santa!
Santa Claus!

- Yes,
- I see it, I see it!

(Lucy laughs)

It's marvelous,
It's,,, It's magical, It's,,,

Don't stop now,

(they all gasp)

Lucy, you've done it,

I can hardly believe it,

I said "hardly,"

(Pup barks)

We're here! We're here!
We're here! We're here!

Right this way, please,

(crowd cheers)

- Welcome,
- Well done,

Nice to see you,

Cuckoo!
Cuckoo!

% % I don't know
but I've been told

% % Come Christmas time
it's mighty cold

% % So kick those hooves
and lift 'em high

% % Come Christmas time
we'll learn to fly

Left, left, left,
Right, left,

Left, left,

As mayor
and chief toymaker,

it's my pleasure to present you
with the key to Santa's city,

Thank you,

I'm Mrs. Claus,
Welcome to the castle,

We've been watching your journey
on Santa's magic looking glass,

Every elf, reindeer and toy
knows of your great adventure,

You even got past me -
Max, the annoying elf,

Around here,
you are heroes,

I'm no hero,
I never believed in any of this,

Not everyone believes in me, Lucy,
and I don't mind,

What counts is that they believe
in the things I stand for,

Love, kindness,
helping others,

We call it "the spirit of Christmas,"
but it works all year round,

(thud)

(thud)

(Santa laughs)

The pirates,
Right on schedule, too,

- "The pirates"?
- "The pirates"?

Don't worry, I saw them coming
in the magic looking glass,

Let's welcome them,
shall we?

May I help you?

Hand over your treasure, Claus,
or we blow your whole city to smithereens,

- Ka-boom!
- Very well,

- Will that suffice?
- Hold your sea horses,

What about the magic flying dust and
the hocus-pocus see-all looking glass?

Oh, there's powerful magic
in those things,

Just hand them over!

As you wish,

Now helps Cragg carry the booty
back to me ship,

Carry?

Magic flying dust has an amusing effect
on the laws of gravity,

Oh, one more thing -
blast away, Tommy boy!

- But you said you wouldn't,
- I lied,

Do it, Tom,

No!

No ka-boom?

Not today, Tom,
My jolliness is a matter of public record,

My mastery of the martial arts
is lesser known,

Hoo-hoo-hi-h*-hiyah!

Leave this place,

- Uh, what about the treasure?
- Oh, keep it, for all the good it will do,

But why?

You'll see,
Now, I have something to show you,

Behold -
the magic looking glass,

Oh, Crystal,
Where are you?

Oh, Eugene,
I miss you, too,

Oh,

There's more,

They sign the declaration
tomorrow,

Then we'll be
heirs to the throne,

(cackles)

We outwitted them all,

Thanks to
our superior intellect,

Nothing can stop us now,
distinguished colleagues,

Nothing!

- We must go home and stop them,
- Agreed,

Satchel's all packed, boss,

(Santa laughs)

Thank you, Oliver,

And here's the proof
you came for,

And now for the cherry
on the sundae,

It suits you, Lucy,

And finally, a single serving
of magic flying dust,

Use it wisely,

Thank you, Santa,
I wish we had something to give you,

Wait!
We do!

I believe this belongs to you,
Santa,

Oh, I thought Blitzen sounded
a sleigh bell short,

- Thank you,
- But how do we get home?

(sighs)

It's no use, Cap'n,
We're stuck,

Oh,

get the magic flying dust,

Sawdust?

Perhaps the magic looking glass
will show us the way out,

- Huh?
- Uh, that can't be too lucky,

- Grr!
- Cap'n, the treasure's turned to coal,

(grunts)

Barbecue, anyone?

Argh!
Why me?

Why is it always me?

(bawls)

I know -

let's give up pirating
and become interior decorators,

(Crystal) Hello,
Hello?

Permission to board, Cap'n,

If we free your ship,
will you take us home?

Aye,

All wings on deck,
Set course for the South Pole,

Me hearties, may the wind always blow
in your sails,

Uh, Cap'n,

Look!

Here, look,

It's gold again,

Jumpin' jellyfish,

Ooh,
There's a note,

Ahem,

"Every good deed
brings its own reward,"

"Your friend, Santy Claus,"

Hm,,, Idea!

If we perform
lots of good deeds,,,

You read me mind, Tom,
You read me mind,

(they all laugh)

I'll be right back, Pup, As soon as
I figure out a way to explain you,

(Pup whines)

- To the palace,
- Ahem!

- What do you want?
- They've come to stop us,

Ooh, on the contrary,
We've come to congratulate you,

- I'm so sure,
- We misjudged you both,

- You mean you underestimated us,
- Santa does exist, And we have proof,

We couldn't be happier,

Princess Crystal,
you not only faced your worst fears,

but you and Princess Lucinda have gone
where no penguin has gone before,

And in the process,

it appears you've become
best friends,

- This delights us,
- Oh, perhaps I misjudged you, too,

Don't fall for their pack of lies,
This is a trick,

If this were a trick,
why would we invite the entire colony

to the Cave of Profundity
to celebrate your triumphant return?

Your Majesties, it's true,

Your daughters
have returned,

- Mother! Father!
- We're back,

Uh-oh,
This can't be good,

(they cackle)

Now, see here,

Button your beak,
you insufferable brat,

You see, young ladies,

you returned
on a day of tragic mourning,

Soon, the king and queen
will declare their daughters

lost at sea,

They'll never know you crossed the world
and risked your lives for this -

a cheap sack
of Christmas claptrap,

Pity,

(they cackle)

Where's your Santa now,
Crystal?

- You're not smart,
- What?

You just use big words
to hide small thoughts,

Get the document,

To the palace,
distinguished colleagues,

(laughs wickedly)

- Sign here, please,
- (Eugene) Wait!

I wish to say
a few words of remembrance,

- Proceed, fool,
- Oh, do be brief,

Most of you knew Princess Crystal
as future queen,

But she was also
my best friend,

We survived leopard seals,
a k*ller whale, pirates, polar bears,

an annoying elf
and a flying pig,

But in the end, it only took
three pompous old penguins to do us in,

They won't win, Lucy,
I promise,

(barking)

(both) Huh?

(barks)

- (both) Pup!
- Pup, listen carefully,

Find Eugene at the palace,
He's the tall, dark and handsome one,

Please, He's the geeky beanpole
with googly eyes and a funny hat,

Bring him this,

- Get Eugene, Pup,
- Hurry, Pup, Hurry,

(barks)

Princess Crystal
always believed in me,

She taught me
to believe in myself,

Sorry,

The document,
Your Majesty,

- But I'm not finished,
- Oh, yes you are,

Your signature on the dotted line,
please,

Oh, what's all this fine print,
then?

It just means should anything happen
to you or the king,

we, the Terribly Deep Thinkers,
take over,

Sign on the dotted line,
please,

(Pup barks)

Halt!

Someone stop that seal!

(crowd shouts)

Huh?

- (guard) Nowhere to go now,
- (guard #) We got him cornered,

Wait,
Don't hurt him,

This is a message from Princess Crystal,
She's alive! I gave this to her,

And it's probably all that's left of her
after this savage seal gobbled her,

I'm no marine biologist,
but this seal is just a pup,

Your Majesties, we must keep clear heads
in this time of great grief,

As much as we might wish to believe
Princess Crystal and Lucinda are still alive,

we must be brave
and carry on,

Her Majesty
must finish her signature,

No!
Crystal's here,

(Pup barks enthusiastically)

And the seal knows where,

Follow the seal!

(Pup barks)

Who are you going to trust?
Our most dreaded predator or us?

Button your beak,
Agonysia,

(Pup barks)

(crowd gasps)

- Mother,
- Father,

- Lucinda,
- Crystal,

- Eugene,
- Princess,

- Phillip,
- Lucy,

Deep Thinkers,

- Banished,
- Oh, well,

Nothing lasts forever,

Except forever,
philosophically speaking,

(sleigh bells)

Oh,

What's that infernal sound?

h*, h*, h*,
Merry Christmas,

"Merry Christmas," indeed,

He was here, Crystal,
And he left us gifts,

Open yours first,

Argh!

Whoa!

Ready for
your Christmas present?

Close your eyes,

- It tickles,
- Brace yourself, Eugene,

What you're about to see
may shock you,

We're,,,
We're flying,

Now, this is good,

Whoa! Woo-hoo!

Whoa!

Yippee!

---the end---