13x06 - (You Gotta) Strike for Your Right

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on...

DING

Oh, my God!

BUZZER

MUSIC JINGLE

Ugh, it's negative again.

Where did you get a pregnancy test

with sound effects?

At Spencer's Gifts.

It's also where I get my condoms.

Wait, you're wearing condoms

while we're trying to get pregnant?

They're joke condoms.

They have a big hole in the end.

I just wear them for the feel.

And the chuckles.

You doof.

I can't wait to have

your big, doofy baby.

I wanna have a babe

with you, too, babe.

BANGING

Hey! Are you done in there?

Get out, get out, get out!

I went to Taco King!

I can't do this in my bowl!

# Good morning, USA

# I got a feeling

that it's gonna be a wonderful day

# The sun in the sky

has a smile on his face

# And he's shining a salute

to the American race

# Oh, boy, it's swell to say...

# Good morning, USA! #

Agh!

# Good morning, USA! #

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

We know how much you want this.

I don't know what's wrong.

I've been eating right, exercising,

taking all the vitamins.

And I bought a butterfly net

to catch the baby

when he comes sh**ting out.

We've been trying all kinds

of different positions, too.

The spider pretzel, the butter

churner, the standing wheelbarrow.

And my favourite,

the breakfast for dinner.

That's where I fry him an egg, and

then we do it quite traditionally...

from behind. Well,

you must be doing something wrong.

I got Francine pregnant

on the first try.

Bang, bang, chicken and shrimp!

What's going on? I'm bored.

I got nothin'.

By the looks of your faces,

you got nothin', too.

God, it's so boring in this house.

I'm bored. What's goin' on?

Haley and Jeff are having trouble

getting pregnant.

Oh, good. This isn't boring.

I could drop a b*mb on this.

See, Hayley's never

going to get pregnant...

because Jeff's an alien. Boom!

Wait, what?

Ever since Jeff got back from space,

he's had an alien body.

Only human part left is his brain.

Oh, that explains why my pee

is slightly brighter than usual.

And why I haven't slept in a year,

or even felt the need to.

Yeah, that explains everything.

Did I leave anything out, Stan?

You knew?

Yes, but I couldn't tell anyone,

because I'm an amazing

secret-keeper.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

That is also a secret.

I know we weren't gonna say

anything, Stan, but I got bored.

Remember at Disney World,

how I got bored,

so I tried to drown that fat lady

on Pirates Of The Caribbean?

You guys went to Disney World

without me?!

My boy, Reggie, is Pluto!

He could've got you pineapple

dole whips half-price, fool!

My other boy, Dante, has got

a sick condo in Daytona Beach.

It's only a 90-minute drive

from Disney World.

And I got a hook-up

for Lightning tickets.

Warm weather hockey,

you don't get that up here.

Shut up, Klaus!

I also have a boy in Jacksonville.

I can't believe this.

I'm married to an alien.

I... I've been having sex

with an alien.

I don't see what

the big deal is, Hayley.

Lots of people sleep with aliens.

Lois Lane,

Marvin The Martian's wife,

every cable guy

who's ever come to this house.

But I don't feel like an alien.

I feel like me.

That's because you still have

your stupid human brain.

Hey, I love your stupid human brain,

and I don't even care

that you're an alien. Liberal.

But... I do wish

we could have a baby.

Well, you could have a baby

if Jeff became human again,

but that's impossible.

Unless... you gave his brain to

a birthing alien on its heat cycle

so Jeff could be reborn as a human.

But you'd need to find a birthing

alien here on Earth, other than me,

because I'm not doing it.

Whew! Is it hot in here?

I can't tell. I'm on my heat cycle.

Anyway, impossible. Such a bummer.

Gotta go. Bored again.

My boy in Jacksonville's

name's Leroy.

He's a barback

at Buffalo Wild Wings, and he says

if we go down there, we might

be able to party with the waitstaff.

And then Marybeth Stephanie

called me a "Hufflepuff"!

Can you believe that?!

I've been called

some terrible things before,

but never a Hufflepuff.

That's stupid!

You're totally a Ravenclaw.

I know!

But even though I was real peeved,

I just said, "Thank you,"

because I didn't wanna offend her.

You're a bit of a Hufflepuff.

Yeah, I'm a Hufflepuff.

Are you Snot?

Are you poor?

Uh...

Because we're Trish!

And The Sizzle.

And you're on

Morning Mimosa's...

BOTH: Three Happy Days!

Whoa, awesome!

What? What's happening?

What's happening is you

just hit the jackpot, buddy.

Every year on Morning Mimosa,

they surprise a poor kid

with three happy days!

You're poor, aren't you, Snots?

Look at you! Of course you are.

Come with us!

Your first happy day starts now!

TRISH AND SUES: Three happy days!

Three happy days!

Being poor is so weird.

Like, when I think of tuna, I think

of tuna from a fancy sushi place,

and you think of tuna

from a shitty can. Like a cat.

SCREECHING TYRES

Poor people are a lot like cats.

Please, Roger,

I really wanna be human again!

And if that doesn't happen,

we'll never have a baby.

What if someone told you

that you couldn't have

what you wanted most in life?

Jake Gyllenhaal?

If somebody told me

I couldn't have him,

I... I don't even know what I...

Ah! That'd be awful!

I'll be there for you the whole

time, every step of the way.

Well, I have always wanted

them fat, swangin' pregnancy t*ts.

You would look great with those!

I'll do it.

I'll carry your Jeff baby.

Muchas gracias!

Oh, thank you!

Now, how do we go about

getting Jeff's brain?

SUCKING

ARGH!

SCREAMING

SUCKING

SLURPING

And now there's a 10% chance

that I'm pregnant.

AUDIENCE: Three happy days!

Three happy days!

That's right.

Every year, The Sizzle and I help

one poor kid with the saddest story.

This year, we were faced with the

biggest challenge we've ever had.

Meet Snot Lonstein.

Poor, yet Jewish.

So for Snots' first happy day, we

gave him a much-needed make over.

Meet the brand-new Snots!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fabulous!

Now, let's bring out the person

responsible for you being here.

Snot, meet your knight

in shining armour, Steve Smith!

APPLAUSE

You nominated me?

Yeah, I did. I felt bad for you.

You think it doesn't break my heart

when we go to the movies

and you bring that

old jawbreaker in that sticky bag?

Snot, don't you wanna thank Steve

for nominating you?

Let's see you...

AUDIENCE: Kiss his feet!

Kiss his feet!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Where'd you find this doctor,

anyway?

We can't go to a regular doctor,

so Klaus recommended this guy.

Hello! I'm Dr Kalgary.

I see you are lesbians.

Congratulations.

Yep. I believe you are hoping

for some good news.

Just tell me I'm pregnant, Doc.

Wait, I hear a heartbeat.

That is very uncommon in my office.

I'm pregnant?

Oh, thank God!

Let's take a closer look.

BOTH GASP

Thank you, Billy.

And you are having...

..an adult man.

Oh, my God! It's Jeff!

I'm printing you a copy. Billy!

Argh!

It's OK, I got it.

No, no. Let him get it himself.

I'm getting stronger.

GROANING

Everything hurts.

And the cravings, I want a cigarette

and five shots of Patron.

Roger, you can't smoke or drink

during your pregnancy.

OK, but can't I just cook

the tiniest bit of meth?

It won't hurt nobody.

Here, have some pickles instead.

Oh, God, the smell!

GAGS

Get that away from me!

But these are your favourite.

RETCHES

I think I missed a spot.

RETCHES

Ugh. This is disgusting.

I'm disgusting,

and I hate this thing!

You! You did this to me!

CRYING

I think if I had just a tiny bit

of meth, it'd settle my stomach.

No, Roger.

Just a widdle cwystal?

With the help

of his best friend, Steve,

we're about to surprise Snots

with his second happy day. Let's go!

Oh, my! Sizzle? Trish?

Am I on...?

Shut up! You're not part of this!

Wake up, wake up, wake up!

Huh?

We're sending you and your best

friend, Steve, to the water park!

What do ya say, Snots?

I'll go, but not with Steve.

I'll just take my mom.

Oh, my God!

Snots is so poor,

he has to date his mom!

Why aren't you taking me?

I'm the reason you get to go to

the water park in the first place!

I don't wanna be pitied!

I thought you would know that.

It's so humiliating.

How is this humiliating?

Oh... my... God!

Is his pillow just a T-shirt

stuffed with newspapers?

Dennis, get a shot of that.

Roger, I got everything

you asked for -

a turkey sandwich,

that pillow you like, and binoculars

so you can watch the gardener

work across the street.

Mm. Ah. Ah.

That feels nice.

And this here... tastes amaze.

Ooh, I'd let that guy

spread his seed on me.

If he pulled my weed,

I'd show him some miracle grow.

Is that a Venus flytrap?

Because my next pun depends on it.

It's an*s guy flap.

So, if you're good,

I'm gonna go see a movie with Klaus.

Oh. Is Klaus carrying your baby?

Well, no.

Oh, so the movie's

carrying your baby.

You're welcome to come with us.

Klaus didn't invite me!

Klaus thinks you hate him.

I do hate him.

I'd k*ll him if I could!

Roger, you're very emotional

because you're pregnant.

You said you'd be there

every step of the way!

God, I'm so upset,

I can't even finish this sandwich!

You're starving me and the baby!

I'm sorry!

I'll do whatever you want!

I want you to want to be here,

and I want you to make me

exactly the same sandwich

you did before,

because you straight up k*lled it.

Is it just me,

or has Roger gone crazy?

Hayley, how many times

have you been pregnant? None.

How many times

have I been pregnant? Four.

Point is,

I know what Roger's going through.

All he wants is to feel appreciated.

I'm trying the best I can.

Try harder. He's carrying

your husband, after all.

ROGER: Damn it, Hayley,

I'm starving!

Are you gonna make me suck the milk

out of my own damn boobs?

Huh.

SLURPING

Bring me some Oreos!

Morning, Mimosa-nators.

We're about to surprise Snots

with his third happy day.

Blow the door!

expl*si*n

You're back!

THUD

Ugh!

Wake up, wake up, wake up!

It's time for your third hap...

Where the hell is he?

I'm sorry, Snot.

I screwed up, but I'm gonna

get you out of this, I promise.

ALARM CLOCK BLARES

He's here! Argh!

g*nshots

g*n CLICKING

Run!

Sues, we're not trying to k*ll him.

We're just trying to give him

his third happy day.

Sorry.

PANTING

I was flashing back to Desert Storm.

OK, but you weren't in Desert Storm.

You saw part of Three Kings on HBO.

WHISPERS: The part I saw

was so powerful.

GROANING

It's not time for my nap yet.

Why are you bringing me upstairs?

On Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow

says I should avoid stairs.

Goop says I shouldn't exert myself.

Goop says my ankles are weak.

We should buy an elevator,

like Goop says.

BOTH: Surprise!

Oh, my God!

A surprise baby shower?

You've been through a lot, Roger,

and I wanted to do

something nice for you.

Well, as tough as it's been,

I must say, I've been a rock.

Ooh! Presents!

Happy baby shower, Roger!

TEARING

A Phish CD?

It's Jeff's favourite band!

That's so sweet, Mom.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

The baby is not gonna listen

to this stoner garbage.

He's above that. For him,

it's only classical masters,

like the Indiana Jones soundtrack.

HUMS SOUNDTRACK

Whatever. Dad, why don't

you give Roger your present?

TEARING

It's Jeff's hat.

I got it out of the closet.

I forgot we were doing this.

Yuck!

The baby won't be wearing hats,

not when he has access to my wigs.

Roger, that's Jeff's favourite hat.

He wears it all the time.

Not any more, he won't.

Are there more presents?

Tell me there are more.

I didn't know if it was going to

be a boy or a girl, so I got this.

TEARING

Oh, yes!

A sparkly, sequined onesie!

This is perfect for the baby!

It's all I've ever wanted for him,

to be sawed in half at a magic show.

Thank you, Klaus.

You're the only one

who knows what my baby wants.

Get over yourself, Roger!

It's not your baby! It's my Jeff!

Oh, it's YOUR JEFF, is it?

Well, what YOUR JEFF needs

is his mother... Me.

You know what he doesn't need?

You! And come to think of it,

I don't need you either.

Where the hell are you going?

I'm outta here, b*tch.

I'm raising this baby on my own.

And you know what?

His name's not Jeff any more.

It's Tristan!

I figured it out!

This diaper has Snickers in it.

Dad, we weren't playing that game.

Where'd you find that?

Guys, Roger's out there,

God knows where,

walking around with Jeff inside him.

Or should I say "Tristan"?

Hayley, relax.

Tristan's a great name.

We should've named Steve Tristan.

Pregnant mothers just get emotional.

And they stay emotional. Up top!

Don't look at me, Stan.

I love women.

I respect them too much.

Please.

Is it too late

to side with you, Stan?

Let's go find Roger. Who knows

what he could be doing right now?

# Hayley,

I know you're gonna be upset

# Cos you need me

to birth human Jeff

# But you should know by now

# That I'm a bit crazy

# You helped to show me what I want

# My goal in life is to be a mom

# We're in this, him and me

# And I don't need Hayley

# Hayley, don't preach,

I'm in trouble deep

# Hayley, don't preach,

I need booze to sleep

# And I made up my mind,

I'm keeping my baby

# I'm gonna keep my Tristan.

Mm, mm... #

Excuse me, ma'am, will you be

making a purchase with us today?

LAUGHS

No, no, I will not.

TYRES SCREECHING

Go around, Mike!

TYRES SCREECHING

Aw, crud.

STRAINING

Looking for this?

Oh, no! How did you find me?

This is where I ran off to

when I was pregnant.

It's the... "Go-to motel

for scared pregnant women."

I read your Yelp review.

Why'd you run away?

To think about the most important

decision of my life...

Whether or not

I was going to keep you.

Oh, hey! Is that the coin I flipped?

Roger, I'm sorry.

This whole time, I was so focused

on getting Jeff back,

I forgot how much

this was affecting you.

So, I got you this.

TEARING

GASPS

Now you can match Jeff...

Or Tristan!

Whatever you wanna call him.

We are in this together.

Let's call him Jeff!

I'm starting to think "Tristan"

is a g*y lion's name.

Ready to come home?

OK, just let me grab my... ARGH!

Argh, Roger!

Your eyes are bleeding!

The baby!

What? What's wrong with the baby?

Bleeding eyes

means the baby's coming!

I thought you read the book

I got you! I did!

But it was just David Blaine's

life story.

Oh, yeah, well,

I was right to give you that book.

It's awesome. Pretty cool.

He was bullied as a kid and then

made himself into one of the most

popular magicians in the world.

Speaking of magicians,

did you know Criss Angel

lives on the top floor of the Luxor?

Do you think he has a book?

I... I don't know.

Shut up, you babbling b*tch!

I'm having a baby here!

FAST-PACED MUSIC PLAYS

ARGH!

TYRES SCREECHING

Argh!

Argh!

TYRES SCREECHING

No-one escapes the third happy day!

SCREAMING

Childbirth really hurts!

I have so much respect

for Michelle Duggar now,

which is saying something,

because I already considered her

one of the most accomplished women

of her generation.

ARGH!

Stay strong, Roger. Keep pushing.

This is punishment

for all the bad things I've done!

Like the time I took those

blind people to that noisy warehouse

and told them they were

at the World Series.

I sold them $12 beers I bought for

$8, and when they were super drunk,

I made their team lose

in the bottom of the ninth,

and broke their dumb, blind hearts.

Keep pushing!

STRAINING

POP

He's here!

BABY CRYING

Congratulations!

It's a strange thing.

Why's he so small?

I thought he was coming out

full-grown. What's wrong?

Oh, it's like

one of those sponge dinosaurs.

He'll get bigger once we add water.

Can I... Can I see him?

PURRING

Hey, buddy.

Roger!

SQUELCHING

My mouth is super juicy

for this very purpose.

Babe.

Jeff, it's you!

Aw, give him here.

I need to do skin-to-skin contact

right away.

He's not latching.

I disown this child.

I'm sorry these three happy days

have been so terrible.

Actually, today's been pretty good.

What? You twisted your ankle,

we almost died in a freezing river,

and now we're hiding in a storm

drain that smells like a dead body.

Yeah, but I wasn't poor,

and you weren't middle class.

We were just two best friends,

running for our lives.

Come here.

Whoa!

I feel it, too.

This is a hell of a moment.

No, it's just I know why

it smells like a dead body in here.

I'm not dead.

Just because I don't conform to your

conventional standard of beauty,

doesn't mean I'm dead.

You know all those magazine covers

are Photoshopped, right?

BOTH: ARGH!

Scared of what a real woman

looks like?!

So, after everything with Roger,

I realised,

there's so much more to having kids

than I ever thought,

and I... I don't know

if we're ready for that.

Well, having just been born, I feel

I'm a little young to have a baby.

Guys, I finally added up the bill

for being your surrogate.

Food, parts, labour, loss

of other income, all totalled...

You owe me a ride to the mall.

Bye-bye, see you soon!