01x02 - Secure a Wife

[bunniefuu]

Loid: Yeah, no.

Franky: What?!

Anya: Anya cannot accept this mama.

Loid: You're just not going to cut it for the mother role, Franky.

Franky: You're literally a spy. Couldn't you have done my disguise better?

Loid: There's only so much I can do with your height and physique.

Franky: I can't believe I volunteered for this!

Anya: Have a peanut.

Loid: Operation Strix.

Loid: In order to stop a key figure in Ostania, Desmond, from trying to start a w*r,

Loid: I was given this top-secret mission as a member of WISE.

Loid: We were able to pass the written exam to get into the prestigious Eden College,

Loid: but who knew the interview process's next stage demanded the attendance of both parents?

Loid: Very well.

Sign: SECURE A WIFE

Loid: I guess I'll have to explore my options.

Camilla: Did you hear? A thief might've entered our office.

Sign: Capital City Berlint, City Hall

Camilla: Apparently, they only searched drawers with information regarding the girls.

Camilla: Like, what? What kind of creep does that?

Millie: Honestly, the section chief is way creepier.

Millie: He's always ogling me.

Sharon: That's because you're always wearing those short skirts.

Millie: Well, my boyfriend likes it when I wear them.

Millie: You've got a nice figure yourself, Sharon, so flaunt it more.

Sharon: You don't bother anymore once you have a kid.

Camilla: So hey...

Camilla: What do you think about this, Yor? Isn't it creepy?

Yor: Sorry?

Millie: Is that the section chief's coffee? Let's put some boogers in it.

Yor: Huh?

Yor: Do boogers somehow make it taste better?

Camilla: You know, Yor... I've gotta say you're rather...

Camilla: unique.

Millie: I know, right?

Millie: She's so out there that I bet guys keep their distance.

Sharon: Come on, now, Millie.

Camilla: You've got a nice face and body, Yor.

Camilla: You'd be a knockout if you just dressed up.

Yor: Uh-huh...

Millie: I'll give you the deets on some of my favorite cosmetics.

Yor: I'm honestly content as long as I get to keep this job.

Camilla: But aren't you, like, ? You need to be careful.

Camilla: There seem to be a lot of spies around lately, you know?

Camilla: So people are apparently getting reported over the tiniest things.

Camilla: The other day, a single woman in her late twenties

Camilla: got reported by her neighbors for being suspicious.

Millie: Wait, what? That's hilarious.

Millie: You know everything, Camilla.

Sharon: True, it's unheard of to be single at that age. Very suspicious.

Yor: Oh, I see. Thank you for the warning.

Camilla: Oh, yeah. I'm having a party at my place this weekend.

Camilla: You should totally come, Yor.

Camilla: Make sure you bring your partner with you.

Sharon: Isn't that asking a bit much?

Camilla: Maybe the creeper who snuck into this place will go with her.

Millie: That's so mean!

Yor: Hello, Briar residence.

Yuri: Hey, Sis. How have you been?

Yor: Oh, Yuri.

Yuri: How's work going?

Yor: Don't worry. I'm still employed.

Yuri: I'm worried about you. You're kinda unusual, y'know.

Yor: How rude. I'm completely normal.

Yuri: Isn't it about time you got married?

Yuri: Anyone you're interested in?

Yor: This again?

Yuri: The thing is, there's a chance I might get promoted...

Yuri: Meaning I'll probably be even busier running around than before.

Yuri: But I can't leave you alone like this,

Yuri: so I'm not sure if I should take it.

Yuri: The whole reason I got this far is because of you, and I'm truly grateful.

Yuri: That's why I just want you to be happy.

Yor: I know.

Yor: Thank you, Yuri.

Yuri: If you want, I can introduce you to someone.

Yor: Huh? N-No, that's okay.

Yor: O-Oh, yes. I'm actually going to a party this weekend.

Yor: With my partner, of course.

Yuri: Huh? You have a boyfriend?

Yor: I do, actually...

Yor: So don't worry.

Yuri: I see! That's great. It'll be a party with coworkers, right?

Yor: Yup. Camilla's throwing it.

Yuri: Ah.

Yuri: Then I'll have to ask Dominic about the guy later.

Yor: Huh?

Yuri: I mean, I know how gullible you are.

Yuri: I'll have to chase him away if he's a loser.

Yor: Huh? Um...

Yuri: I'll hold off on this promotion until I know he's a good guy.

Yor: Oh, you don't need to do tha—

Yuri: I look forward to meeting him. Goodnight.

Yor: What should I do?

Yor: I need to find someone by the time of the party.

Yor: If he finds out I'm lying, he'll think I'm a weirdo and a pathological liar,

Yor: and he'll lose even more trust in me.

Yor: I need to find someone for the sake of my little brother's promotion.

Yor: Yuri, you've got the wrong idea! I was just joking earlier—

Shopkeeper: Oh, dear. Did you buddy-buddy siblings actually have a quarrel?

Yor: Oh, Shopkeeper?

Yor: I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was you.

Shopkeeper: Good evening. I have a client for you, Thorn Princess.

Shopkeeper: The Royal Hotel.

Shopkeeper: Room .

Men in Black B: Apologies, my lady. This whole floor has been reserved.

Men in Black A: Did anyone call for this chick?

Men in Black C: Who knows?

Yor: But I've heard...

Yor: that a traitorous scumbag is staying here.

Brennan: What in the world?!

Men in Black C: It's an ambush! A lone woman—

Yor: Excuse me.

Yor: Vice Minister Brennan from the auditing department, I presume?

Yor: I am terribly sorry if I interrupted anything...

Yor: But may I have the honor of taking your life?

Narrator: Code name: Thorn Princess.

Narrator: An assassin.

Narrator: She was taught the skills of her trade from a young age,

Narrator: and has done any dirty work her employer requested ever since.

Yor: It's not coming off.

Yor: Huh? Oh, no! What shall I do?

Yor: This is the only nice dress I own.

Yor: Now I can't go to the party.

flashback Yuri: Anyone you're interested in?

flashback Sharon: It's unheard of to be single at that age.

flashback Camilla: Make sure you bring your partner with you.

Yor: But it's hopeless.

Yor: When it comes to homemaking... Cleaning is the only thing I can do.

Anya: Scruffy Head!

Franky: I copied all the files of unmarried women from city hall.

Loid: Great, thanks.

Franky: You need one who won't care you're divorced with a kid,

Franky: is refined enough for a prestigious school,

Franky: and is willing to get married within hours?

Franky: If a goddess like that exists, I'd sure love to meet her.

Franky: Meanwhile, I'm not picky at all, yet I can't even get a date.

Loid: How unfortunate.

Franky: Don't pity me, as*h*le!

Anya: Is having a kid bad? Am I in the way?

Loid: You're not in the way at all.

Loid: Don't worry. Just go watch some TV.

Anya: 'Kay.

Franky: Actually, why don't you just use a female agent from your work?

Loid: A lot of them got caught in the recent spy hunts, so I couldn't find a good match.

Bondman: Wake up! Hey!

Bondman: You... You won't get away with this!

Franky: Selling people out is really in right now.

Loid: We don't have enough agents, so I got another mission on top of this.

Loid: Eliminating a certain smuggling ring.

Franky: They're working you to the bone!

Franky: Let's just get this over with.

Franky: The quickest options would be women in bad circumstances who'd cooperate with you.

Franky: Finding dirt on them might help, too.

Franky: If they don't have any, we can always make some up.

Loid: I'd like to avoid anything risky.

Franky: Oh, please. She's plenty risky.

Franky: She definitely doesn't look like any princess from a rich family.

Anya: Push! Push!

Loid: You've got a point.

Loid: I need to at least do something about her appearance.

Proprietress: Now, young lady, I'm going to take your measurements. Come with me.

Anya: I'm being sold off somewhere!

Loid: You won't be if you behave.

Loid: Honestly, where does she learn to talk like that?

Loid: The seamstress... is married.

Loid: The proprietress was listed among the single women,

Loid: but she's been arrested once over political activities, so she's too dangerous.

Loid: Finding the right person might take longer than—

Yor: Pardon me.

Female Employee: Oh, I haven't seen you in a while, Yor.

Yor: Hello. I was hoping I could get my dress fixed up.

Yor: Could I get it done as quickly as possible?

Female employee: But of course. You're one of our regulars.

Loid: She managed to slip behind me so easily. Who is she?

Loid: Yor... Yor...

Loid: There we go.

Loid: Yor Briar, years old.

Loid: She has no record of being married or divorced.

Loid: Both of her parents are deceased,

Loid: and she has one brother who's much younger than her.

Loid: They're both civil servants whose records are pretty clean.

Loid: Did I just let my guard down?

Loid: I'm far too relaxed lately.

Yor: Excuse me.

Yor: You've been staring at me ever since I walked in. May I help you?

Loid internal: Impossible! She could even sense my gaze?

Loid: Er, no, um, I'm sorry...

Loid: I was just admiring how pretty you are.

Yor: Does that mean...

Yor: You have a favorable impression of my physical appearance?

Loid: Er, well... Yes.

Camilla: You've got a nice face and body, Yor.

Camilla: You'd be a knockout if you just dressed up.

Yor: Um—

Anya: Papa!

Anya: I now know how long I am!

Anya: Who's that?

Loid: Another customer.

Yor: He has a child.

Yor: I almost pursued someone's husband.

Yor: I've heard that women have been k*lled by wives for such things.

Yor: I mean, if it happened to me,I'd just k*ll them back...

Anya: Huh?

Yor: No, I mustn't.

Yor: If I think like this, someone will eventually figure out that I'm an assassin.

Yor: I must learn to be more normal.

Anya: A-An assassin?!

Anya: A spy... An assassin...

Anya: I'm...

Anya: so excited!

Narrator: The little girl was starving for entertainment.

Loid: Hmm... I was considering her as a candidate to play my wife, but never mind.

Yor: I was considering him to act as my boyfriend at the party,

Yor: but I must avoid these so-called messy lovers' quarrels.

Anya: Ah, I am oh so lonely because I do not have a mama.

Loid: What brought this on?

Anya: I long for a mama.

Yor: Are you not with your wife?

Loid: Oh, er...

Loid: I actually lost my wife two years ago,

Loid: so I'm raising her on my own now.

Yor: So I won't be k*lled for asking him to the party!

Yor: Excuse me...

Loid: Pretend to be your boyfriend?

Yor: Yes... I fibbed to my younger brother about having a boyfriend.

Yor: If it's not too much trouble, I was hoping you'd accompany me to this party.

Yor: Um, I promise I don't have any ulterior motives!

Yor: Of course, I'll thank you properly, too.

Yor: I just want to put my brother's mind at ease.

Loid: Very well.

Loid: I accept.

Yor: Really?!

Loid: But I would like something in return.

Loid: So you see...

Loid: I'd like you to play the role of her mother during the interview.

Yor: Her mother?

Loid: With the future being so uncertain right now,

Loid: my only wish is for my daughter to get into a good school.

Loid: This was also the wish of my late wife.

Anya: Papa is a liar.

Yor: What a wonderful person.

Loid Internal: I'll have her accept something simple first,

Loid: It will only be one time. Would you be up for it?

Loid internal: but I'll get her to agree to a formal marriage in the end.

Yor: A-All right... If you think I'm fit for the role.

Loid: Thank you. Then let us reconvene at Saturday's party.

Yor: Yes.

Loid: I got a sitter for you on Saturday, so make sure you behave.

Anya: Stock up on them peanuts!

Loid: Yeah, yeah.

Cashier: Ten pents is your change, ribbit.

Cashier: Thanks, ribbit.

Anya: Ribbit?

Loid: A T... no, an F cipher.

Loid: Must be the details on the extra mission.

Loid: Retrieving art pieces that were stolen from the West and eliminating this smuggling ring.

Loid: I'm to carry out this mission Saturday at hours when the target meets with the buyer.

Loid: Saturday?

Loid: And so...

Loid: We're going to take care of this quickly so I can make it to the party.

Loid: You're helping.

Franky: Hang on a second! I'm just an informant! My fighting skills are literal trash!

Franky: Not to mention, you already pretty much capped your tab—

Loid: We're talking art pieces valued at a total of three million dalcs.

Loid: I'm almost certain no one would notice if one or two happened to go missing.

Franky: Leave it to me.

Franky: I just so happen to have invented some new spy gear just for days like this.

Loid: He's so useful.

Yor: Loid is awfully late.

Yor: I hope he wasn't in some terrible accident.

Lackey A: Hold it!

Lackey B: Who're you workin' for?!

Franky: You didn't tell me there'd be an army of them!

Loid: Two, four, six... of them.

Loid: I can't afford to waste even ten seconds on each one!

Loid: Reinforcements! There's no end to them.

Franky: I got 'em all in! Get in!

Franky: Whoo!

Franky: Let's see... Which one's going to accidentally go missing?

Loid: I'm helping myself to this one.

Franky: Hey, that's a diamond! No fair taking the expensive-looking one!

Loid: I'll use it as part of this whole charade.

Franky: Shut up! Give that back!

Yor: I see.

Yor: So this is what it means to have your heart toyed with.

Yor: I must keep my work relationships favorable for my brother's sake, too.

Yor: Which means that I must attend this party.

Camilla: You're late, Yor!

Yor: I do apologize. Here's a gift.

Camilla: Oh? I thought you were coming with your boyfriend.

Yor: Unfortunately, he had something suddenly come up.

Camilla: Oh, what a shame. I was so eager to meet him!

Camilla: What a lame excuse.

Millie: How pathetic.

Sharon: I knew she was lying about having a guy.

Millie: Should we report the liar?

Camilla: We should!

Camilla: I'm positive she's a spy who's been sent in to lower our country's birth rate.

Sharon: Seriously? That's so petty.

Sharon: She's just unpopular with the guys.

Sharon: Just leave her be.

Camilla: You're meaner than both of us, Sharon.

Dominic: It's too bad your boyfriend couldn't make it. I was excited to meet him.

Millie: You're so hilarious.

Yor: D-Dominic...

Dominic: Yuri's always so worried about you.

Yor: Um, could you possibly...

Yor: just tell my brother than I came to the party with a kind gentleman?

Camilla: Yeah, not happening.

Camilla: Just how desperate are you to impress people, Yor?

Camilla: It just makes you look even more pathetic.

Dominic: Jeez, knock it off, Camilla!

Camilla: Stop talking to my man.

Camilla: I'll be sure to let your brother know that you came alone.

Yor: What could she possibly gain by doing that?

Yor: This is honestly becoming tiresome.

Yor: If all of the adults here just happened to perish,

Yor: my brother would never find out...

Dominic: I'm so sorry. Have fun!

Dominic: Come on, Camilla. Help me bake this gratin.

Female Guest A: And then that guy...

Girl: Mommy!

Sharon: My oldest here will be taking an entrance exam soon.

Sharon: At the prestigious Eden College.

Female Guest B: Wow, that's wonderful!

Male Guest A: He'll be a shoe-in with the elite.

Yor: That must be what "normal" looks like.

Yor: I'm sure that's how my brother wanted me to end up.

Camilla: Seriously? She's still here.

Millie: She's tougher than she looks.

Sharon: I'm honestly surprised she had the nerve to show up alone.

Yor: I see... I'm too out of my league here.

Yor: I do beg your pardon.

Yor: I will have to take my leav—

Loid: I'm terribly sorry for arriving late.

Loid: I'm Yor's husband, Loid Forger.

Yor: Um...

Yor: I just needed a boyfriend, not a husband.

Loid: sh*t!

Loid: I mixed up my mission with hers.

Dominic: Um... Mr. Forger, was it? You're bleeding.

Loid: Oh, pardon me.

Loid: One of my patients had a violent episode.

Loid: It happens all the time to a psychiatrist.

Loid: Have you been enjoying yourself, Yor?

Camilla: You're joking, right?

Camilla: You're married, Yor?

Camilla: Why didn't you tell us?

Yor: Um, I...

Loid: It's embarrassing to say so, but this is my second marriage and I already have a child,

Loid: so it may have been hard to bring up.

Camilla: Don't give me that sh*t!

Loid: It's my fault.

Camilla: There's absolutely no way Yor has a husband who's that handsome and hot!

Camilla: I'll embarrass her in front of everyone!

Camilla: Yor, I just got this piping hot gratin right out of the oven!

Camilla: Oops, I seemed to have tripped!

Loid: I admire your dedication to not wasting food,

Loid: but it's a bit improper to use your feet, Yor.

Yor: Oh, I'm so sorry.

Dominic: That got you?

Loid: This is quite delicious.

Yor: Indeed.

Camilla: Did you know, Mr. Ranger...

Loid: It's Forger.

Camilla: ...that she was apparently doing some questionable work before working at city hall?

Camilla: What did you do again?

Dominic: Come on, stop it!

Camilla: Men would call you to their hotel rooms so you could give them "massages"?

Camilla: Oh, you little wh*re.

Yor: That was...

Yor: "Massages" were a cover for occupational murders.

Yor: Um, please don't get the wrong idea, Loid. I—

Loid: How wonderful.

Yor: Huh?

Loid: Yor lost her parents at a very young age.

Loid: She did all she could to care for her younger brother,

Loid: even if it meant sacrificing herself.

Loid: Be it for someone else

Loid: or for a specific reason,having to endure a merciless job

Loid: requires an incredible amount of dedication.

Loid: And that's something to be very proud of.

Loid: Let's go home, Yor.

Yor: Er, yes... Thank you for the lovely party, everyone.

Loid: I-I'm so sorry I said I was your husband.

Yor: Oh, it's all right.

Loid: I'm not sure what to tell your brother if he hears of this.

Yor: Um, Loid... I have a suggestion.

Loid: What...

Loid: Remnants of the smuggling ring?

Loid: Hang on, Yor!

Yor: Huh?

Loid: How did they know where I was?

Loid: Did they... leave a tracking device in the art pieces?

Loid: You've definitely let your guard down, Twilight.

Yor: Who are those people?

Loid: Um, uh...

Loid: I-It appears some of my patients still haven't recovered

Loid: from their psychotic episodes.

Yor: Being a doctor must be very taxing.

Loid: She actually believed it!

Loid: In the meantime...

Loid: We're making a break for it.

Remnant A: They've abandoned the van.

Remnant B: They're probably hiding nearby. Split up and find them.

Loid: Yor, this way. Hurry!

Yor: Um... Are you sure it's all right for you to hit your patients like that?

Loid: Um, well...

Loid: The concussive recovery method is the latest in modern medical practices.

Yor: I see.

This is fiction.

Loid: I can't tell if she's actually bright or dumb.

Loid: Look out, Yor!

Loid: Another one! I can't dodge it!

Yor: Oh, no!

Yor: I'm so sorry an amateur like me helped with the recovery!

Yor: I happen to be an expert in self-defense.

Yor: My brother was kind enough to teach me...

Loid: Thank you, Yor.

Loid: That was quite impressive. Did you see how far he went?

Yor: I'm sorry. I guess I did send him flying.

Remnant G: There he is!

Loid: This way!

Remnant G: Do whatever you need to do! Make sure they're dead!

Yor: Um, Loid... This may not be the best moment to ask,

Yor: but why don't we get married?

Loid: I'm sorry?!

Yor: Er, well, it would extend our agreement...

Yor: I mean... Apparently, I'm considered suspicious just for being single,

Yor: so it'd be nice camouflage...

Yor: For me to continue my job as an assassin, too.

Yor: Um, basically,

Yor: if it's all right with you, maybe we could just stay together,

Yor: and not just for the interview...

Yor: For both our sakes.

Yor: He's probably the only person who could accept me for who I am right now.

Loid: Then let's stop by city hall on our way back to fill out the paperwork.

Yor: Huh? Right now?!

Loid: They do say no time like the present.

Loid: Oh, that's right.

Loid: Where did I drop it?

Remnant B: You b*stard!

Remnant B: We have 'em cornered!

Remnant A: Fill 'em full of lead!

Loid: Yor...

Loid: Even in sickness,

Loid: or in sadness...

Loid: No matter what hardships await us,

Loid: let us be there for one another.

Yor: All right.

Loid: Until my mission...

Yor: Until my k*lling...

Loid and Yor: ...do us part.

PREPARE FOR THE INTERVIEW