05x03 - Cyrano De Jackson

[bunniefuu]

♪ Now, the world don't move
to the b*at of just one drum

♪ What might be right for
you, may not be right for some.

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means.

♪ Then along come two,
they got nothing but their jeans.

♪ But they got,
Diff'rent Strokes.

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes.

♪ It takes, Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world.

♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story

♪ Everybody
finds a way to shine,

♪ It don't matter that you got,

♪ Not a lot,

♪ So what,

♪ They'll have theirs,
and you'll have yours,

♪ and I'll have mine.

♪ And together we'll be fine.

♪ Cos it takes, Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world.

Yes it does.

♪ It takes, Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world.

- Slam dunk.

Hey Dudley old bean,
lets sh**t some baskets.

- Nah.

- Alright, how about
we get my walkie talkies

and play Adam 12.

- One Adam 12, one Adam 12,

nude sunbathers
spotted in Times Square.

- I don't think so.

- Hey Dudley, those
were two great ideas.

What's eating you anyway?

- I'm miserable.

I can't sleep, I can't eat,

I got butterflies in my stomach.

- Have you tried
Milk of Magnesia?

- Nothing can
help me. I'm in love.

- Oh you poor sucker.

Who you in love with?

- Lisa.

- Lisa? She's the
smartest girl in our class.

- So?

- So smart girls are trouble.

A guy should get a
girl as dumb as he is

so they'll have
something in common.

- Thanks a lot. Anyway she
doesn't even know about this yet.

- You didn't tell her?

- I can't. Every time I try to
talk to her I get the sweats

and my tongue rolls
over and plays dead.

- Oh, oh. Here she comes.

You better wake up that
dead tongue of yours.

- Hi Arnold.

- Hello Lisa.

- Hello Dudley.

- What was that?

- What's he trying
to say Arnold?

- Uh, he just had
a tooth pulled.

Your mouth is
numb, right Dudley?

- See his whole head is numb.

- Well I hope you feel
better Dudley. Bye Arnold.

- Bye.

- That was quick
thinking Arnold, thanks.

- No sweat.

- How am I gonna make
Lisa love me if I can't talk?

She's got me crazy.

I actually look forward
to going to school

just so I can see her.

- Love has seriously
softened your brain.

- You gotta help me
Arnold. I'm in pain.

- OK I'll try and
think of something.

- Thanks Arnold,
you're a real pal.

- Yeah but if this
works out Dudley

and someday you
and Lisa get married

and have a station
wagon full of kids

and live in a big house with
payments you can't afford

don't come crying to me!

- Hello Arnold.

- Oh, hi dad.

Dad, listen, I've got a problem.

Do you know
anything about women?

- Well when I was
younger I was sure I didn't.

Later on I thought I did,

but now I'm older
and I've lived a little,

I'm positive I don't.

- You must have had
some experience?

How do you get
a girl to like you?

- Arnold volumes have
been written on that,

all of them wrong.

Is there some young lady
whose heart you'd like to win?

- No, I'm not the
fool. It's Dudley.

- Dudley? Did he get zapped?

- Did he get zapped?
He's really got it bad.

Muttering to himself,
bumping into things,

he's acting like a short wino.

- Well why doesn't
he just tell the girl

how he feels about her?

- That's the whole problem dad.

When he gets around her he goes.

- That does lack a
certain Savoir Faire.

- Dad tell me what I
can do to help Dudley

so he can say
something nice to her.

- Oh well that's a tough one.

I guess the greatest example
of a smooth talking lover

was Cyranno de Bergerac.

- Was he anything
like Burt Reynolds?

- Sort of, Burt's
better looking.

See Cyranno had quite a
nose, a really big honker.

He's a magnificent character
in a famous old French play.

Cyranno had this
handsome young friend,

who was madly in love with a
beautiful woman named Roxanne.

But he was hopelessly
inarticulate, like Dudley.

Every time he got
near Roxanne he said

Of course it sounded
better in French.

- So what did he do?

- I'm glad you asked that.

He got Cyranno to write
beautiful poetic letters to Roxanne.

It was just dynamite
stuff for its day

and it won the ladies heart.

- What was in those letters?

- Well lets check it out.

I got it in the library,
I'll get it for you.

It's a marvelous
play, it's a classic.

- Oh great, thanks dad.

- Just a reminder g*ng,
tonight's laundry night.

Leave it in a neat pile.

Button your buttons
and zip your zippers.

And Arnold, be sure
to empty your pockets.

Last time you left a
candy bar in them.

The laundry came
out choc full of nuts.

- Hi Pearl. Hi Earl.

Oh listen Arnold, after
I change my clothes

do you want sh**t
some baskets with me?

- No I can't. Dad's
about to teach me

how to turn on a woman.

- How to turn on a woman?

This I got to hear.

- Arnold, if that's what
you wanted to know

you don't go to dad, you go
to the master, Mr Honeymouth.

- Hey, listen to this.

This Cyranno really
had a way with words.

Get this.

"She is with no
effort on her part,

a mortal danger to
every man's heart.

See her smile, see perfection.

See her hand make
one little gesture

and you'll understand
the meaning of grace.

Venus mounting her shell,

or Diana wending through
woodlands in flower."

I may swoon.

- I may throw up.

- Dad, that is the
corniest junk I ever heard.

- Ed. Dudley has a
serious problem here.

Do you think that
kind of stuff can help?

- Well it sure did with Cyranno.

- That's the sort of
talk that could turn on

any woman's electric blanket.

- Dad, can I borrow that book?

- Well sure, but be
careful how you use it.

It's powerful stuff.

- Good.

- Thrust, hold.
Dudley you lowly fopp.

- Uh?

- I solved your problem
and the solution is right here.

- What is it?

- A romantic note
full of sweet nothings.

- I don't need nothings,
I need somethings.

- This is what you've got.

I copied this right
out of a French play.

And I don't have to tell
you that French plays

are hot stuff.

- Well let me see.

- Sure.

Oh oh, here comes Lisa.

- What do I do?

- Give her the note. It
will take care of everything.

- Hi guys.

- Hello Lisa.

- For me? What is it?

- It's a romantic note
from Dudley. Read it.

- Why Dudley. This is beautiful.

I never knew you were so poetic.

- He's got poetic
oozing out of every pore.

It just won't ooze
out of his mouth.

- You've really expressed
yourself beautifully Dudley,

and the answer is yes,

I'll see you then you
romantic little devil.

- Oh boy, she said yes. I
can't believe it, she said yes.

Wait a minute. What
did she say yes to?

- She said yes to your
tryst on the morrow.

- What's that?

- That means she's having
lunch with you at recess tomorrow.

- But what if she
asks me a question,

I can't even talk to her.

- That's why I made it lunch,

so you can keep your
mouth full of food all the time.

- Arnold I can't
be alone with her,

you've gotta come with me.

You just gotta.

- Uh, Dudley, how are
you going to get romantic

with me sitting there?

I'll be in the way, like
an extra wart on a frog.

- But without you I'm lost.

Arnold you got me in to this.

Don't desert me now, please?

- OK Dudley, I'll try and
help you one more time.

But if there's any kissing
involved you're on your own.

- Is everything set Arnold?

Are you sure this is gonna work?

Arnold can you hear me?

Arnold can you hear me?

- Of course I can
here you, Dudley.

- Arnold, come in
Arnold, can you hear me?

I can't hear you.
Arnold come in.

Arnold please, come in, Arnold.

- Uh Dudley, you can't hear
me unless this is in your ear.

- Oh I'm so nervous I forgot.

- Well don't be nervous.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Keep the walkie
talkie in your pocket

and keep the ear
piece in your ear

so you can hear me
tell you what to say.

- You're a good friend Arnold.

- I know.

- Now just remember,
keep Lisa on this side of you

so she doesn't
see the ear piece.

Got it?

- Got it.

- And if she wants
blow in your ear

make sure it's the right ear.

- OK.

- I better get lost. Good luck.

Dudley?

- Answer her.

- What do I say?

- Over here dummy.

- Over here dummy.

- Hi, what did you call me?

- Tell her you said yummy,
or mummy or anything.

- I called you a yummy mummy.

- You're kind of cute yourself.

My, this is a nice
place you've chosen.

Away from all the children.

What are you doing Dudley?

- Uh, what am I doing?

- You're admiring her
beauty from every angle.

- I'm admiring your
beauty from every angle.

- Oh, thank you.

Why don't you sit right here.

- I can't sit there.

I mean, uh.

- Oh I'll bet you're just shy.

Come on, sit down.

- OK.

- Oh Dudley, you're so physical.

- Don't just sit there,
make some conversation.

Ask her to have a sandwich.

- Sandwich?

- Not like that, say it nicer.

- Nice sandwich?

- Oh, thank you.

Dudley, you're much
more poetic in that note

than you are in person.

Why don't you close
your eyes and recite

some of the beautiful things
you already wrote to me.

- OK Dudley, here we go.

The more you
steal my heart away.

- The more you
steal my heart away.

- The more it grows.

- The more it grows.

- That was beautiful.

Now do the part about

"my eyes are like
pools of crystal."

- I can't find that.

- Well look harder.

- What?

- Uh?

- Here, try this on her.

Lend me your heart
for you have mine.

- Lend me your heart
for you have mine.

- And heartless I cannot
well define as heartache lady.

- And heartless I cannot
well define as heartache lady.

- Oh Dudley, you're too much.

Dudley, you have
a hearing problem?

- What?

- My whole heart
speaks and thus it sighs.

These words are
kisses. Got that Dudley?

Do you read me Dudley?

Dudley answer me.

- Someone's in that bush.

What bush?

If this is love then love
is life, if this great gift

simply the drift of your
sweet laughter trailing away

- What are you
doing in the bushes>

- Oh just the usual things
a guy does in the bushes.

- Wait a minute, I get it.

You're the one telling him
all those things to say to me,

aren't you?

- Well I, no.

- You're the one with the
poetic soul, not Dudley.

- Oh he has one too, he's
just keeping it under wraps.

- Then if you're the one who
says all those beautiful things

then I don't love Dudley at all.

I guess I love you.

- What you talking about Lisa?

- Arnold your a woman snatcher?

- I'm not your woman Dudley,

I'm Arnold's
through all eternity.

Or at least until
the sixth grade.

- Stabbed in the
back by my best friend.

- No Dudley wait, please
wait, no Dudley, Dudley!

Aw man, you try
and help a friend.

Thanks a lot Cyranno.

For sticking your big
nose in my business.

- Whew, boy am
I glad to be home.

- Is something wrong Arnold?

- You know Lisa? She
tailed me after school today,

tracked me down in
the streets of New York

like a hunted animal.

I finally gave her the
slip when I ducked behind

the plastic chicken
at Colonel Sanders.

- Have I missed a chapter here?

I thought Lisa was
Dudley's girlfriend?

- She was but when she
found out I was telling Dudley

all those romantic things to
say she fell in love with me.

Now Dudley won't
even speak to me.

But how do I get
Lisa off my back?

- Well how about
telling her the truth?

That you just copied
those words from an old play

and you're about as
poetic as Daffy Duck.

Let's not go that far.

I'll get it dad.

- OK.

- Hi Arnold.

- Hi Lisa.

- Arnold, what are you doing?

That's very rude to shut
the door in someone's face.

- That someone is Lisa,
the long distance runner.

- Now listen,

this might be a very
good time for you

to tell Lisa the truth.

Now you go and run
after her and catch her

and tell her you're sorry.

- Yes dad.

Oh you're still here.

Sorry Lisa, the door
slipped out of my hand.

- That's OK.

- Arnold, ask Lisa to come in.

- You don't want
to come in do you?

- I'd love to.

- Hello Lisa, I'm
Arnold's father.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you too.

- I keep thinking about you
and your beautiful poetry.

I want to get to
know you better.

- Arnold, why don't you
offer Lisa a nice cold drink.

- Dad, I don't want
her to stay that long.

- Will you just do
what I'm telling you to?

- OK.

Would you like a nice
short fast cold drink?

- Oh how nice of you to offer.

- Follow me.

- You're a real
gentleman Arnold.

- Thank you.

- Hi Mr Drummond.

- Hello Dudley, come on in.

- Is Arnold here? I
brought this back to him.

Oh, thank you.

We had a fight and
I was pretty mad

but then I got tired
of hating his guts.

- Well I'm sure that'll make
Arnold's guts very happy.

I'll tell him you're here.

Arnold would you
come in here please?

- What is it dad?

- Someone is here to see you.

- Dudley, what are
you doing here?

- I'm sure you two guys

have something very
important to discuss.

- You want to be
friends again Arnold?

- Yeah I sure do.

- I know you didn't
mean to steal my girl.

- Yeah listen, let's
discuss this out in the hall.

- Why in the hall?

- It's more private out there.

- Arnold?

- It's her.

- Dudley this isn't
what it looks like.

- It looks like it's worse
than what it looks like.

- Dudley I didn't
invite her over here.

She's in love with me. The
woman can't help herself.

- Arnold you're not my friend.

You're a double-dealing,
two-timing, back-stabbing,

lowdown fink.

And as for you Lisa,
you're a finkette.

- Dudley wait, Dudley wait.

Let me explain, come back.

Aw gee whizz.

- Don't worry about him
Arnold, you've got me.

- I know, I know, why me?

Lisa I'm gonna level with you.

You know all that poetry?

- Sure, I'll never forget it.

- I didn't write any of it.

- What do you mean?

- I can't write poetry.

I copied that all out of a book.

- You did?

- Yeah. So I guess this
is goodbye. Goodbye.

- No, it doesn't
make any difference.

You copied out all
the beautiful passages

and that takes a
very sensitive soul.

- It does?

- Of course.

You don't know how
wonderful you are.

- Well, I 've heard
people say things.

- You could write
something beautiful

if you wanted to Arnold.

Deep down inside you
there's a tortured poet

trying to get out.

- Well sometimes
during the night

I do hear a rumble down there.

- Please Arnold,
write a poem for me.

- OK, I guess I could try.

- Oh thank you, what a
man you are Arnold Jackson.

Bye.

- Bye.

What a woman.

- Hey, what ya doing bro?

- Trying to write
some poetry for Lisa

but this is m*rder.

I keep staring at
this blank page

and this blank page
keeps staring back at me.

- Well you wrote
something there,

let me see what you got?

- Wait a minute,
it ain't finished yet.

- Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, Lisa,

would you like to
share a piece of pizza?

- Oh Arnold, that
isn't going to make it.

You're talking to
a guy who knows.

- Oh maybe you're right.

Man. Now I know how Dudley felt.

I got all this romantic in
me and I don't even know

how to say it.

- Well that's because
you're using all that

old fashioned jive.

Arnold, Cyranno
was the dark ages.

Man you got to update
it, I mean get with it,

make it today.

- What do you mean Willis?

- Well you could say
something like this to a lady.

Um, look here little mama,

your eyes are sending
sparkles all over the scene

and you have raced
my motor into high gear.

Now Arnold is that romantic?

- Yeah, if you're an
automobile mechanic.

- Well how about this one.

I dig your style and
the way you move

cos you got a bod
that makes me groove.

- I don't know if that
one works for Lisa.

She's only 11 and
hasn't got much of a bod.

- Arnold you know what I mean.

I mean dig deep into
your soul and really feel it.

- Feel it huh?

- Right.

- Feel it, I've got to feel it.

I think I feel something.

I feel it.

Here it comes.

Little mama, slim and cool,

you got no shape but
you make me drool.

That's it, that's it.

Well I did it.

I turned the poet inside me
loose and opened up my soul

and a poem just
came gushing out.

- Can I read it?

- Sure, just don't go to
pieces in front of all the kids.

Well?

- I don't know how
to tell you this Arnold.

- Just say it my little rosebud.

- It stinks.

- Stinks? That's pure
Cyranno de Jackson.

- Arnold, you're
a very nice person

but I need someone
who isn't quite so shallow.

- Shallow? I may
be short but I'm deep.

- I'm sorry Arnold,
but it can never be.

We're just two ships
that pass in the night.

- Well bon voyage baby.

- Arnold, I couldn't
help overhearing that.

I just want you to know I'm
glad she's out of the picture

so we can be friends again.

- Me too, cos I'm making a rule.

I only let a woman make
a fool out of me once.

And after that I insist
on doing it myself.

Come on old buddy,

I'll let you buy me a soda.

♪ Now, the world don't move
to the b*at of just one drum

♪ What might be right for
you, may not be right for some.

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means.

♪ Then along come two,
they got nothing but their jeans.

♪ But they got,
Diff'rent Strokes.

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes.

♪ It takes, Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world.

♪ Yes it does.

♪ It takes, Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world.