01x13 - Dope

[bunniefuu]

♪ There's a place you gotta go ♪

♪ For learning all you oughta
know about the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When your books are
what you're there about ♪

♪ But looks are
what you care about ♪

♪ The time is right to
learn the facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪

♪ What everything is all about ♪

♪ When the boys you
used to hate you date ♪

♪ I guess you best
investigate the facts of life ♪

♪ You gotta get 'em right ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪♪ [Woman Vocalizing]

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪♪

Look, Sue Ann, I know
you're my best friend,

and I know you loaned
me your entire allowance...

at well below prime rate,

but I can't tell you the secret.

- Blair, I swear
I won't breathe a word.
- On your mother's life?

Blair, she's only .

Okay. On your dog's life.

Well, okay. Forgive me, Tiger.

I swear on Tiger's life that I won't
say anything. Now what's the secret?

I got you into "The
Group" with me.

Oh, fantastic! I was
hoping that's what it was.

But Tumpy's coming over to tell you
herself, so you've got to act surprised.

Oh, I don't have to act. I
am. Was it hard to get me in?

Not after I paid them $ , .

Five thousand dollars?

That's the biggest
gyp I... Hi, girls.

Uh, I was just looking for
my skate key behind there.

Tootie, shoe skates
don't have keys.

No wonder I couldn't find it.

Tootie, you don't mind if
we talk privately, do you?

- No. Go right ahead.
- Alone?

Okay, I'll leave.

But I'm gonna tell your
dog, Tiger, he's a dead duck.

Now what's this about $ , ?

Naturally, I was kidding.

Why should it be hard to get
a girl like you in The Group?

Well, they're all seniors. And aren't
they supposed to be fast and snobby?

No. They're just like me...

Warm and understanding.

Did you tell them that
I'm kind of square?

Sue Ann, you can't
help the way you're built.

And that I'm a scholarship
student? Of course.

And that I'm from Kansas
City? Are you crazy?

Now, we're meeting after dinner
in Tumpy Barksdale's room.

And just don't be shocked,
okay? Shocked? Why?

- Shh!
- Blair, every time we see you
lately, you go, "Shh!"

Yeah. It's like
eavesdropping on a leaky tire.

Since you became a
member of The Group,

everything's a big secret.

Let's go.

Now, remember, Blair,
we've got to get back early,

'cause I got to finish that
book report. Okay, okay, okay.

Now, I'd put the stereo over here
and the speakers right here. Hi, girls.

I was just telling
Mr. Bradley...

how culturally stimulating it would
be to have music in the common room.

Really. Neat.

So, if Mr. Bradley would be generous
enough to kick in some matching funds,

we could get ourselves a stereo.

Well, I think we could find
some money in the Arts Fund.

- We'll just mark it off
to Music Appreciation.
- Oh, I'd sure appreciate it.

But I expect you to play a broad
spectrum of music, not just disco.

Oh, of course. Uh, we'll do
our knee bends to Beethoven...

and a few "viggles"
with "Vahgner."

I'll see what I can do.

Look, uh, I've got a
parents' conference.

I got to get out of this whistle
and into my sincere suit.

Good morning, Mr. Bradley.
You're looking fit. Really.

Thank you, girls.

- Hi, Tumpy, Emily.
- Hi, Mrs. Garrett.

Are you sure we can't
lure you over to our dorm?

Really. We could use
some young blood over there.

Oh, well, my blood
thanks you, and I thank you.

Really.

Sue Ann, I have only one thing
to say to you. You're one of us.

- Are you kidding me? I don't believe it!
- You told her.

[Tumpy] It's all
right. It's all right.

We'll see you tonight. Later.

[Door Opens, Closes]

What did you mean before when you
told me not be shocked about The Group?

This should give you a hint.

Blair, lipstick
doesn't shock me.

To an outsider, it's lipstick.

To a member of The Group...

Mari... juana? Shh!

- Do you smoke pot?
- No! But everyone
in The Group does.

And tonight, we are
part of The Group.

Mrs. Garrett, Blair and Sue Ann are
getting ready to go to Tumpy's room,

better known as Snob City.

Yeah, they said to go ahead and
discuss the new stereo without 'em.

No problem. I'll show them
the stuff in the morning.

The man at the stereo store said that the
Yamaguchi system is the state of the art.

Look. "The speakers have woofers,
tweeters and mid-range drivers.

"The tape deck has a digital pulse-count
detector and a low-distortion power meter.

And, of course, the receiver has
ultra-stable, quartz-locked tuning."

Does it play music?

I have no idea.

Mrs. Garrett, I don't think we
should buy a Yamaguchi stereo.

If we don't start buying American products,
our economy is going into the toilet.

Delicately put, Molly.

Molly, Yamaguchi is
an American company.

Yeah, they gave it a
Japanese name so people

would have more
confidence in the quality.

[Whispering]

We're checking out, Mrs. Garrett.
We'll be back before curfew.

- Toodle-oo.
- I wonder what it's like
to be in The Group.

It's probably like walking
into some snooty country club.

How are you, Tumpy?
Just fine, Poopy.

Do you know Bippy
and Dippy and Snitsy?

Oh, yes, they're fun people.

[All Laughing]

How about Kiki and Mugsy
and Poopsi? [Laughing]

[All Laughing]

It's not really fair to make fun
of other people's names, Tootie!

I'm checking out, Mrs. Garrett.
I have an early date with Roger.

I can see you're really
looking forward to it.

I am. I'm absolutely going
out of my mind with excitement.

Well, when you calm down,
maybe you'll tell me what's wrong.

Nothing.

I can tell you what's wrong.

My sources tell me that Blair
couldn't get Nancy into The Group.

And who are your
sources, Tootie?

Lefty and Righty.

Oh, Nancy, there's some
people who only feel important...

when they're keeping
other people out.

I remember back in my hometown.

Oh, there was this bunch of
girls that raised pedigreed poodles.

Well, I wanted so badly
to be a part of their crowd.

But my dog was a mutt, so
they wouldn't even talk to me.

- So you never got
into their clique?
- No, but my doggy did.

For the next years, there wasn't
one purebred poodle in the county.

I see what you
mean. It is kind of silly.

Yeah. Come on, Nancy.
Let's put a flower in your hair.

Okay.

Hey, Nat, how about you and me
starting our own exclusive clique?

You and me? You
call that exclusive?

We will be as soon as I
find out all the secret stuff...

the girls in The Group do.

How are you gonna do that?
You'll never get into Tumpy's room.

Oh, yes, I will.

It's as simple as one...

two, three. What's that?

- Their secret knock.
- It's not a secret anymore.

[Secret Knock]

Hi. [Giggles]

And you certainly are.

You guys have got
some catching up to do.

It's great to be
part of The Group.

[Giggles] You do grass?

No, but I know it isn't
mowing the lawn. [Laughing]

Blair, do you have
that joint I gave you?

Oh, yeah. Uh, it's right here.

- Oh, wait a minute. I see a roach.
- Where? I hate bugs.

[Laughing]

No. A roach is what's
left of a joint, dummy.

Oh. Sure. That kind of roach.

Let's light the bong.

Listen, I don't know if I
want to smoke, Tumpy.

She's a little
scared. [Chuckles]

[Secret Knock]

Oh, that must be Bitsy.

Oh, hey, you're not Bitsy.

And I'm not Poopsi
or Snitsy either.

Tootie!

So this is how
the other half lives.

You better bolt it up, Tump.

- What are you doing here?
- Um, Mrs. Garrett
wants to know...

if you prefer an eight-track or
a cassette player on our stereo.

We're all taking a vote.

That could have waited, Tootie.

Like, I've got a
stereo to sell. Look.

Tell old Garrett
it's a steal at $ .

Tumpy, you said that was one of
those expensive German stereos,

and your parents
paid $ for it.

Well, what's money
between friends?

Does this mean I'm in The Group?

No, it means I
need the cash. Okay.

Hey!

Isn't this one of these bong
things I've seen at the record store?

What do you hit it
with to make it bong?

[Laughing] Hey, she's a riot.

You don't hit it.

It hits you.

You put jelly beans
in it. Oh, come on.

Let's show her
what it really does.

She's too young for that.

To burn jelly beans?

Good-bye, Tootie.

Sheesh!

I'm out before I'm in.

I'm goin'.

Tumpy, what's wrong with you?

You don't offer a
kid Tootie's age pot.

Oh, hey, I was just kidding.

Sue Ann, you are
gonna love grass.

You know what's
great about turning on?

Oh, you get these
clear, fully formed,

uh... Thoughts?

Yeah, right. And the ideas...
the ideas just seem to...

Flow? Mm-hmm.

Really. Pot makes
you so creative. Mmm.

Boy, I could stand
to be creative.

I've got this -page book report
I have to write on Moby-d*ck.

Oh! Well, here's your answer.

Not bad.

But with my stereo money, I'm gonna
buy a lid of the best Hawaiian grass. Here.

Uh, I think I'll wait till you get
some of that good Hawaiian stuff.

You know me, I
never go second-class.

You know what I think?
I think you're chicken.

I'm not chicken. [Scoffs]

I just don't feel like getting spaced
out, and... and giggling at stupid jokes,

and... and not being
able to finish a thought.

And look at her.

She's lost the power of speech.

I'm gonna pass.

Let's go, Sue Ann.

Sue Ann, you don't
have to go anywhere.

You're not Blair's
little puppet. Yeah.

We invited you to be one of us because
of you, not 'cause you're Blair's friend.

Well, thanks. You sneak, Tumpy.

Flattering Sue Ann just
so she'll smoke with you.

What do you mean, flattering me?

You think I'm your puppet?

- I didn't mean that.
- Yes, she did.

You've got a mind of
your own, you know.

- I sure do.
- You're not chicken like Blair.

Blair, you'll never know
what you've been missing.

Here.

Come on. It's no big deal.

You're right. One
time isn't gonna k*ll me.

Mrs. Garrett, Sue Ann's feeling a little
better. She'll be down in a few minutes.

Oh, good. Uh, now
back to this instrument.

All those switches. When it
comes to hi-fi, I'm very low-fi.

Ready, Mrs. Garrett? Ready.

[Speaking German] [Sighs]

I hope this is the... [German]

Oh, I just love Tumpy's stereo,
but I wish it spoke English.

[German] That makes
sense. "Louder knob."

♪♪ [Marching Band]

♪♪ [Turns Off]
There. It works perfectly.

Oh, but now my head doesn't.

I can't understand why
Tumpy sold this so cheap.

I would never have bought it if she didn't
give us a signed note from her mother.

I hope she didn't forge it.

We only do that
with report cards.

Are you sure you
feel okay, Sue Ann?

Yeah. I'll be all right.

Hey, listen. The great news is, I finished
my book report last night in minutes.

Twenty pages in minutes?

Yes. And if I do say
so myself, it's brilliant.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Garrett. Oh, hi!
How are you feeling, Sue Ann?

She's feeling brilliant.

Mrs. Garrett, you
know Moby-d*ck?

Intimately.

A whale of a fellow.

Well, I'm really proud
of this book report.

- Do you think you could give me
your opinion on it?
- Oh, sure.

Moby-d*ck is one
of my favorites.

"'The True Meaning of
Moby-d*ck, ' by Sue Ann Weaver.

"Moby-d*ck was a white whale...

"with a big tail.

"Captain Ahab was
a... a sea captain...

"with one good leg...

and one w-w-wood leg."

It probably gets better.

It couldn't get worse.

"The important thing about
Moby-d*ck is the symbolism.

"You see, old Moby
wasn't really a whale.

He was a humongous marshmallow
sundae with vanilla ice cream"?

You're wrong, Blair.
It did get worse.

Oh, Sue Ann. [Chuckling]

What have you been smoking?

[Laughing]

See, I told you she'd
get a kick out of your joke.

I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

I guess I'd better get down to
the library and write the real one.

[Laughing] Ciao.

Gee, that was a great book
report. Yeah, I'm starved.

Hey, I know, let's go
get a Moby-d*ck sundae.

[Laughing]

Mrs. Garrett! You should see
what we got at the record store.

Oh? Three bongs.

I don't know that group.
Are they punk rock?

No, it's not a musical
group. Look here.

♪ Bong ♪

♪ Bong ♪

♪ Bong ♪

One for me, one for Natalie,
and we brought one for you too.

Yeah. We're a three-bong family.

Girls, do you know
what these are used for?

Sure. You put
jelly beans in 'em.

I'm gonna put root beer in mine.
It comes with a built-in straw.

Uh, I don't like to look a
gift bong in the mouth, but...

why did you girls buy these?

Well, we figured that
if we couldn't be in

The Group, at least
we'd have the same stuff.

You mean the girls in
The Group have these?

Oh, I don't know about all of them,
but I saw one in Tumpy's room.

Tumpy? h.

Girls, what people use these
for is smoking marijuana.

Marijuana?

Oh, I could wring their necks. How
could they sell this garbage to kids?

- There ought to be a law.
- We didn't know
what it was for.

Yeah, but I'm sure that
the girls in The Group did.

Now, girls, not a word about this to
anyone until we talk to Mr. Bradley.

Oh, there's gonna be trouble.

Make that a double.

[No Audible Dialogue]

Mr. Bradley, this surprise
inspection is an invasion of privacy.

Mrs. Garrett, smoking pot is illegal. When
you break the law, you have no privacy.

There must be a more
dignified way of handling this...

- instead of treating
those girls like criminals.
- Yeah, that's right!

Mrs. Garrett, this is a serious
situation, and it calls for stern measures.

Tootie, you're next.

- One hot plate.
- Which violates
our insurance policy.

- One skillet.
- Which violates the rule
against cooking in rooms.

Eight cans of jalapeño bean dip.

Which violates your stomach.

- Why do you need
all that bean dip?
- I like to entertain.

Hi, everybody.

What's going on here?
I'm glad you're back.

- We're going to
inspect your room next.
- Why? What are you looking for?

Dope.

We found some in Tumpy's room, and
she and her roommates are being expelled.

- That's awful!
- Yeah. I've called
their parents.

- They're on their way up here
to bring 'em home.
- It's heartbreaking.

Blair, sorry, but I'm
gonna have to ask you to

dump the contents of
your purse on the table.

Why? You don't suspect me?

I don't play favorites.
I suspect everybody.

And you are a member of The Group.
Mrs. Garrett, will you do the honors?

If you insist. Blair?

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Let me see this lipstick.

"High Lady"? That doesn't
sound like you, Blair.

Oh, that's mine.
I gave it to her.

Thank you, but it's okay.

- This isn't even lipstick.
- [Pops]

A little hiding place inside?

- What do you keep in here?
- Mad money.

- It's empty.
- I guess it got angry and left.

Girls, I'm sorry to have
had to pull this inspection,

but I'm glad that
all of you passed it.

I just can't believe
that any of our

Eastland girls would
get caught smoking dope.

It's my first expulsion.
Whew! Hope it's my last.

Let's put this contraband
into the storage room. Okay.

What should we do with
these bongs, Mrs. Garrett?

I'll take care of
those, Natalie.

I'm going to go back
to the record shop...

and show them a new way
of returning merchandise.

And it's going to be painful.

That was a close call. What
made you get rid of that joint?

Watching you last night.

From now on, I'm gonna
stick to being high on me.

[Mouthing Words]

Me too.

I can't believe I was stupid enough to
smoke pot just to make them like me.

Thanks for trying to
pull me out of there.

And thank you for trying to
cover up for me with the lipstick.

It sure is a tough way for
those girls to learn a lesson,

getting kicked out of school.

Mrs. Garrett, I've never
seen you look so sad.

I'm not sad, I'm mad. I'm
damn mad. Forgive me.

I'm furious that these bright, young
girls should mess up their lives over dope.

And if I ever catch any of you
doing anything as stupid as that,

I'm gonna... You
won't. For sure.

Blair, from now on, make sure
your lipsticks have lipstick in 'em.

Right, Mrs. Garrett.

Gee, I've got all these jelly
beans and no where to put them.

Oh, we'll find a place.

Well, at least our group
is back together again.

- [Sue Ann] Right.
- [Blair] Give me some.

♪ When the boys you
used to hate you date ♪

♪ I guess you best investigate ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪

♪ Gotta get 'em
right The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪

♪ The facts of
life are all about ♪

♪ You ♪♪