01x22 - You Can't Win 'Em All

[bunniefuu]

I'm really upset.

- I'm hurt and disappointed. I'm bugged.
I am really upset. - [ Loud Bang]

Jerry, are you upset with me?

- No.
- Well, then why waste it on me?

I'm a nice person.
Save it for whoever you're upset with.

- [ Elevator Bell Dings]
- MorningJerry. Morning, Carol.

That's the guy I'm upset with.

- Go get himJerry. Sic him.
- Right.

Hey, Bob, how come you didn't tell me
about Phil Bender?

- Carol.
- I did not say a word, Bob.

I made the mistake of turning my back, and
“El Snoopo“ here saw the appointment book.

Jerry, are you in the habit of snooping
in my appointment book?

No. I just happened
to be reading it by accident.

I saw : , Phil Bender.
Sol said to Carol...

“That's not the Phil Bender
who pitches for the Cubs, is it?“ She said--

No, absolutely not.

Sol knew of course
it must be him.

Well, as a matter of fact,
it is Phil Bender.

He is the pitcher for the Cubs.
He's been seeing me professionally...

for about, oh, six, seven weeks.

The reason I didn't introduce you is because
I knew you'd involve him in baseball talk...

ask him for an autographed ball,
and that is not what he's here for.

Well, I really appreciate
your frankness, Bob.

I mean, a lot of guys would try to
spare my feelings, but not you.

No, no, you just insult me
right to my face.

Jerry, don't take it
as anything personal.

I don't want Phil treated any differently
than any of my other patients.

- You know, nothing special.
- [ Elevator Bell Dings]

- How you doing, Bob?
- Hey, Phil, good to see you.

- How do you feel?
- Good, good, good.

Thanks for letting me
use the parking space in the garage.

It really saves me
a lot of hassle.

Yeah, sure, it's no trouble, Phil. I just
pull my car in off the street when you leave.

- [jar/y Chuck/es ]
- Phil, do you knowjerry Robinson?

How would he know me, Bob?

Right. Uh, Phil Bender,
this isjerry Robinson.

- Glad to meet you.
- How areyou?

Jerrys an orthodontist.
He has an office here on this floor.

Listen, I have a kid that may need braces
on her teeth. Maybe I'll send her to see you.

Terrific. Great.
Anytime, Phil. Anytime.

- Well, we'd better get started.
- Nice meeting you.

- Right.
- Oh, Bob, by the way...

here's that autographed baseball
I got for your nephew.

He doesn't have a nephew. I know that
for a fact. He does not have a nephew.

He has a niece, no nephew.

[Chuckles]
He got that ball for himself.

Boy, I am so bugged.

Jer, don't get so excited.
Now, if you ask him real nice...

I'm sure he'll let you play catch
with his new ball.

[Mouthing Words]

Man On TV]
It's the bottom of the ninth with two outs...

and Bender can wrap it up
right here.

Phil is pitching great.
lfhe gets this guy out, he's got a shutout.

- Oh, Bob.
- It's a sweeping curveball. Outside. Ball one.

Oh, get it over, Phil.
Let him hit it. He can't hit.

- Come on, Phil.
- Bender's taking plenty of time out there.

He shakes offa sign.

Shakes off another one,.

Now he's ready,
Bender winds up.

- Here it comes.
- [ Loud Crack]

It's a long drive to left field.
William's back.

- Back.
- Back!

Back and it's in his mitt!

That's it. The game's over. Phil Bender
hasjust racked up a beautiful five-hit shutout.

Oh, Bob, you won!

We'll be talking with Phil Bender
on our postgame show...

DugmmDme, after this word.

Oh, Bob, you pitched a wonderful game.
I'm so proud of you.

Well, thank you, honey, but William
made a pretty good catch, you know.

Oh, well, you can be
modest if you want to...

but Phil Bender was losing before
he came to you and now he's winning...

so you must be doing
something right.

Well, it's nothing out of the ordinary.
You know, we'rejust talking about his mother.

You know, the usual.

Yeah, well, I just think it's a shame
that everybody doesn't know.

Well, it's enough that he knows it,
and I know it and that you know it.

- [ TV, lnzfistinct]
- And whoever else you decide to tell.

Oh, look, Bob, there he is.

So, what do you think it is, Phil?
What made the big difference out there tonight?

Well, I'll tell you, Ernie. I just knew
I had the stuff to win out there tonight.

I felt good,
I felt loose, and I felt relaxed.

I noticed the same thing, Phil.
Earlier in the season, you seemed to be tight.

You seemed to be pressing a lot.
How do you account for the change?

Well, Ernie, I guess I can say it here.
I'm not ashamed of it.

I had a few personal problems,
so I went to see a psychologist.

- Bob, that's you.
- Bob Hartley.

Uh, fabulous guy, Ernie.
He changed my whole life.

That's an amazing story, Phil.

Was that a curveball or a slider
that got Ferrano in the third?

- I think it was a slider.
- Oh, Bob, isn't that wonderful?

Well, I don't know. I didn't mind him
mentioning he was going to a psychologist...

but I wish he hadn't mentioned
my name on TV.

- Why?
- [ Phone Ringing]

Because of that.

[Ring]

Hello?

Oh. hiJerW-

Yeah, yeah, I saw it.

How do I feel about it?
Well, I don't really particularly feel about it.

You know, it's no big deal.

It went by so fast, I hardly
even recognized my name, you know.

No, I'm sure he said Hartley.

Right after “fabulous guy
who changed my whole life.“

I'll see what I can do,jerry.

Right. Good-bye.

[Emily]
Oh, that was sweet ofjerry to call.

Uh, semisweet. He wants me
to get freebies for the next home game.

Oh. Well, listen, honey, why don't you
sit down and rest your arm?

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- [ Phone Ringing]

- Oh.
- Emily, you get the phone, I'll get the door...

- and we'll both keep an eye on the window.
- Right. Hello.

- Hi, Bob.
- Oh, hi, Howie.

Hey, I just drove in from the airport,
and the strangest thing happened.

I know, I know.
You heard my name mentioned on the radio.

No, I had a flat tire.

You're not gonna believe this.
A pilot actually stopped and helped me.

- No kidding.
- Yeah, yeah. I stopped and I was looking--

You know, I bent over and looked at the tire,
and he must have thought...

you know, I was another pilot
from the back.

You missed all the excitement
here, Howard.

- What happened?
- Phil Bender pitched tonight.

He's one of my patients.
He mentioned my name on TV.

Oh. Oh, anyway,
the pilot and I went for hamburgers...

and we ran into
these three beautiful girls.

- Oh, hello, Howard.
- Oh, hi.

Uh, Bob, that was the manager
of the building. He said congratulations...

and don't mix the cans
in with the garbage next week.

- [ Phone Ringing]
- So, anyway--

- Emily, no matter who that is, I don't
want to talk to them. - Right. Hello.

Oh, yeah, sure,
he's right here. Bob?

- Emily.
- Well, it's your mother.

Hi, Mom.

How come you were watching
a baseball game?

You'd seen that episode
of Lucy four times.

Yeah, it was nice
that Phil mentioned my name on TV.

Well, famous people need help
just like anybody else.

Well, if Mayor Daley wants me,
my name's in the book.

Okay. All right.
All right. Good-bye, Mom.

What's the matter, Bob? That's the shortest
conversation you ever had with your mother.

Oh, she wanted to keep her line clear.
A lot of her friends are calling her.

Oh, yeah, she must be
so proud of you.

I guess she is.
For the first time...

she thinks she knows
what I do for a living.

- [ Elevator Bell Dings]
- That's enough. When. When.

- Ah! [ imitates Bugle]
- Yea!

- Here he comes, folks, the savior of
the Chicago Cubs. - Hartley! Hartley!

- Hartley/Hartley!
- All right, all right.

Thank you very much,
but that's enough.

I've had a million calls,
and I'm kind of tired of being famous.

- Oh, sure.
- Sure, Bob. Mm-hmm.

- Any calls?
- Yes. Two people called to congratulate you.

Only two?

You know,
I don't understand it.

I have treated plenty of athletes
and celebrities in my day...

and not one of them
has ever mentioned my name on TV.

Oh, Tupperman, there's not a lot of people
who are gonna brag about their urologist.

You gotta face it, Tuppy.
You're not in the glamour field like we are.

Yeah, okay,
have your littlejokes...

- but you're all gonna end up in my office.
- Right.

But we're not gonna
mention it on TV.

Hey, Bob, listen.
I got this great idea.

You tell me the next time
that Bender's ready to win.

You know, when nothing's bothering him,
when he's really up.

I'll lay offa couple hundred dollars
on the Cubs to win.

We'll split it down the middle.
We could clean up.

Jerry, you make him sound like a horse.
I could never do anything like that.

Maybe a dollar.

A dollar? Forget it.

No point ripping up
your mattress just for that.

Bob, I forgot to tell you.
That man over there's waiting to see you.

- Hi. I'm Bob Hartley.
- Oh, hi, Doc. How are you?

The reason I'm here
is I saw the game last night.

- Oh, on TV.
- No, on the bench.

I'm Moose Washburn,
one of the Chicago catchers.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure.

What can I do for you,
Mr. Washburn?

I'm hitting . , Doc.

For God's sake, can you help me?

You know, I thought
I'd never come to see a shrink.

I just don't like
that kind of stuff, you know.

I'm just a down-to-earth,
practical, horse-sense guy.

But I got a fortune cookie that said,
“Try new things,“ so--

I saw what you did
for Phil Bender.

So, what the hell, you know?

Why don't you have a seat on the couch?
I'll be with you in a minute.

I didn't think we'd get
right at it like this.

Actually, I just came over
for an appointment.

Yeah, well, fortunately
I had a cancellation.

- Yeah.
- You wanna sit down?

Uh, well, let's get
some information.

- Now, the first question--
- Before we start, I'd like to say one thing.

I'm not a nut.

I'm a regular guy.

I mean, I'm married.
I got two kids.

I drink occasionally.

I don't smoke.
I chew tobacco instead.

I never stepped out
on my wife...

excepting five times.

I don't believe
in that kind of stuff.

I'm just a straight guy.

My question was gonna be--
What's your address?

Oh, my address.

Yeah, that's the first question
I ask new patients.

Well, I live at Ocean View--
No, that's not right.

That's when I lived
in San Francisco.

I was playing with the Giants
when they bought me from Atlanta.

The Phillies owned me
before that.

I almost moved to he Mets, but at
the last minute, San Diego picked me up.

Boy, I enjoyed playing
for San Diego.

Better make that six.

I've been traded so many times, sometimes
I can't remember my address.

What's your phone number?

Oh, that's easy.
I don't have a phone.

Oh.

I had to get rid of it. Those cranks
keep calling me, giving me a bad time.

I play a game, they keep running me down,
giving me insults.

Like they call me a bum.
Like it's my fault 'cause we keep losing.

How can it be my fault?
I'm on the bench most of the time.

I'm telling you- this abuse
is getting to me. I can't sleep.

I'm in a slump.
Doc, I tell you. It's driving me crazy.

When are we gonna get past these questions
about my address and phone...

sol can tell you
what's really bothering me?

[Clears Throat]
We're getting there. Trust-Trust me.

Hey, I feel terrific. I hope I get a chance
to pinch-hit tonight.

I know I can knock it
right outta there.

Well, don't get the wrong impression
about what we're doing here, Moose.

I mean, I'm not a faith healer.

Well, let me say one thing.
When you're a ballplayer in a slump like I am...

you'll try anything--
Vitamin hypnotism, Dr. Wing.

Dr. Wing?

Acupuncture.

Yeah, I've been reading a lot about acupuncture.
Did it work for you?

It sure cured my fear of pain.

Carol, you wanna make an appointment
for Mr. Washburn?

Oh, sure, Bob.
How about Tuesday at : ?

Oh, let me look.

- No good, I'm in Pittsburgh.
- Mm-hmm. Thursday at : ?

Montreal.

Hey, how about you
coming up to Montreal?

I'll flyyou up. You can see the game.
We can talk there.

No, I don't think
I could possibly do that.

Well, why not? My hypnotist
used to travel all around with me.

At least that's what he told me.

How about sometime next week?
You have a big home stand coming up there.

Oh, yeah. The Dodgers,
Cincinnati, the Giants.

Oh, they're gonna k*ll us.

- I'll really need you next week.
- UhJerry.

You claim I never introduce you
to celebrities.

This is Moose Washburn.
He's the catcher with the Chicago Cubs.

Oh, yeah.
Really nice to meet you.

- Hey, I saw you play the last time
I was out at the park. - You did?

Yeah, you pinch-hit in the bottom
of the ninth with two men on.

- Is that the time I got the double?
- No, you struck out.

Well, it happens
to the best of them.

- Yeah, it happens to me a lot too.
- [E/e vator Bell Ding; ]

Well, I gotta get going.

I gotta catch a nap,
sol can get up for the game.

I'll see you next week.

Hey, Bob, is he coming
to see you, that bum?

He's not a bum. He's my patient.

Well, I'm not talking about him as your patient.
I'm sure he's a terrific patient.

As a ballplayer, he's a terrific bum.

SeeJerry, you're a typical fan,
you know that?

When a guy's on top,
you're all for him.

When a guy strikes out
a couple times, he's a bum.

I mean,you gotta look deeper
into a person thanjust his batting average.

Yeah, maybe you're right. I'm sorry.
Hey, by the way, what is his batting average?

. .

[Laughs]

[Announcer]
It's a high fly to shallow center field.

Johnson camps under it.
He's got it.

Quickly throws it in and the runners hold.
Two outs.

Do you believe this?
Bottom of the ninth...

men on second and third,
and they can't get 'em across.

What's the matter, Bob? Bender pitched
a great game. He only gave up two runs.

Well, honey, the score is - .

Winning is when your side
is leading by - .

[Announcer] Uh-oh, they're gonna walk
Kilpatrick to load the bases...

- to get at the pitcher.
- We need a hit. We need a hit.

Now, Bob, don't take it so hard.

The pitcher's spot is due up now,
but Bender is not coming out.

They're gonna pull him
for a pinch hitter. Sure.

Well, good, now you can relax.
With Bender out of the game...

you don't have to worry
about him striking out.

And coming out of the dugout,
swinging a couple of bats is Moose Washburn.

Oh, no!

- What's the matter?
- Another patient.

- [ Crowd Boning] - Moose is your
patient? What are you, the team doctor?

- Uh-huh.
- Bob, why are they booing him like that?

Because fans are callous and insensitive.
They just wanna win.

[Chuckles]
Look at those funny little things he does.

Look at that.
He's touching his hat.

Oh, tugging his ear.
Look at that, pulling on his shirt.

Yeah, those are nervous mannerisms.
All ballplayers have nervous mannerisms.

Oh.

Is that a nervous mannerism?

Probably an itch.

Oh.

All right, Parson winds, pitches
and Moose takes it. Strike one.

- [ Crowd Boning]
- Oh, Bob.

Forget the fans, Moose.
just stay relaxed.

Nice easy swing.
You can do it, baby.

Another curveball and Washburn swings
and picks it up into the screen.

Okay, you're getting a piece
of it now, Moose.

Keep watching the ball.
He's gonna get a hit, Emily. I canjust feel it.

You know, he has a nice face.

Oh, he's a nice man.
He really is lovely.

A swing and a miss, Washburn strikes out,
and the game is over.

- You bum!
-[Clicks Off]

Emily, did you hear
what I just said?

I just called
my own patient a bum.

I feel terrible.
just terrible.

Oh, Bob, you shouldn't be
that upset.

Yes, I should.
The ball was a mile outside.

Even I wouldn't have swung at it.

- Bob, where you going?
- Emily, I'm all keyed up.

I'm gonna get something to eat.

I gotta get out of baseball.
I can't take the pressure anymore.

- [ Elevator Bell Dings]
- [ Typing

[Bob Clears Throat]

Well, I didn't expect
any ta-da, ta-da, ta-da...

but, I mean, a good morning
would be nice.

- Oh, good morning, Bob.
- Morning, Bob.

Wejust didn't see you,
that's all. How you feeling?

- Fine.just fine.
- Good.

Bender really pitched a good game
last night, even though he lost.

I bet you really feel good
about that, huh?

As far as Washburn is concerned,
well, it's not easy being a pinch hitter.

Sitting on the bench all night,
feeling all that tension, using a cold bat.

- Let's just drop the game, okay?
- Okay.

Thanks, Carol. Hey, Bob,
too bad about that game last night.

You know, ifWashburn would have
gotten a hit, you would have won.

Well, you win some,
you lose some.

And you strike out
in the bottom of the ninth some.

- Any calls?
- Uh,yeah.

Phil Bender called.
He says he's depressed and doesn't know why.

- Moose Washburn called.
- That's why.

Oh.

Set up an appointment for Phil
and get Moose on the phone for me, all right?

Right.

Intercom Buzzes]

- Yeah?
- [ Carol] Moose on two.

Thank you.

Hi, Moose.
How you feeling?

Yeah, me too.

No, I didn't get a chance
to see the sport pages today. Why?

We've been traded?

To who?

Japan?

The “Tukohoshi“ Raiders.

I never heard of them.

They're ajapanese
expansion team.

I didn't know they had
Japanese expansion teams.

In Tukohoshi they do.

Oh, no, you get used
to the food.

Yeah, they-they have
nice-nice fish.

Well, may-maybe
they could cook it for you.

When are you leaving, Moose?

Boy, they don't waste
any time, do they?

Listen, why don't you
stop by the apartment?

You'll have dinner with us tonight
on your way to the airport.

Uh, Moose, are you calling
from the ballpark?

There's a lot of screaming
going on in the background.

Acupuncture class.

Boy, I tell you.
That was delicious.

- Delicious, Emily.
- Oh, thank you.

I'm sure gonna miss this American food.
What kind of chicken did you call that?

Chicken teriyaki.

Sure was great.

I'll probably never get
anything like that injapan.

Uh, listen, guys. Why don't we have
our Irish coffee in the living room?

- Oh, good idea.
- Terrific.

I didn't know that
they could trade players tojapan.

Well, normally they can't, but I had this
funny Far East clause in my contract.

Who'd they trade you for, Moose?

I'm not sure.
But there's talk around the clubhouse...

they got a shortstop,
a third baseman and a Datsun.

Boy, I have halfa mind
not to report.

- So don't report.
- He's got a contract. He has to report.

A contract. It's a piece of paper.
He can tear that up.

- Tear it up? Then what do you do?
- I'll tell you what he'd do.

If I were Moose, I'd sit down
and take a good hard look at myself.

I'd say, “Moose, face it.
You're over the hill. Get out of baseball.“

Over the hill? You're .
You're a young man.

[Snickers]
For a diamond cutter, you're a young man.

For a ballplayer, time to quit.

Quit? But they
want you in japan.

They want me injapan
because they don't want me in America.

Uh,you know, I've been listening
to your conversation...

and you're talking about Moose
like Moose isn't here.

But Moose is here. And I think
you're overlooking one very important point.

- What's that?
- Well, if I were Moose...

I would say to myself,
“How do I feel about baseball?

Is there anything else
I would rather do?“

Look, you've been playing
in the major leagues all your life.

You really want to go
to TukohoshLjapan...

play for the minor leagues for less pay,
less prestige and less dignity?

Oh, well,
when you put it like that.

- Exactly. There comes a point--
- Excuse me, I hate to butt in.

Hey, Moose, uh, you think
you could hold your thought for a minute?

We almost got this
worked out here.

- Yeah.
Jerry, let him speak.

Now, you're saying if I were Moose.
Emily's saying ifshe were Moose.

I mean, we got
the real Moose here.

Moose, how do you feel about it?

Me?

Oh, there's some good things
about playing ball injapan.

I mean, they want me.
There are not many good catchers there.

They got all those small
little fingers, you know.

And if the fans start yelling at me,
they'll beyelling injapanese.

I won't understand
what they're saying.

Another thing,
I'm foot .

Injapan, I'll be a big man.
I'm going tojapan.

- Well, that's great, Moose.
- lfl don't leave soon, I'll miss my plane.

Oh, I'll get your coat.

I wanna thank you guys
for making up my mind.

I don't know what you did, but I never wanted
to get out of Chicago so bad in all my life.

We're gonna miss you, Moose.

Hmm, me too.
Bob, EmilyJerry, what can I say?

Listen, if you're ever
injapan, look me up.

We'll take a bath together.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- Oh, excuse me, Moose.

- Oh, hi, Howard.
- Hi, Emily. Hi, Bob.

Oh, I hate to interrupt,
but I'm leaving for my flight.

Would you mind picking up
my mail and my newspapers?

Sure, Howard. Listen, if you're leaving right now,
would you give our friend here a lift?

- Sure. Where you going?
-japan.

I'm sorry.
I'm only going as far as Cleveland.

Bye.

Dear Dr. Yamaharo-

Uh, how do you spell that?

- Get it off the letterhead.
- Mm.

- Now where were we?
- Uh, “Dear Dr. Yama“--

Oh, yeah, uh--

Concerning your letter
regarding my former patient...

and your current patient,
Moose Washburn...

he only visited me
three times...

and we really didn't get into
his personal problems in any depth.

Uh, paragraph.

I'm-- I'm glad to hear his batting average
is getting better...

and the fans have stopped calling him
bakayaro after the first couple weeks.

Uh, baka who-o?
How do you spell that?

Uh, b-a-k-a-y-a-r-o.
I looked it up.

- Oh, what does it mean?
- Bum.

[ Mews]