01x03 - A Stitch Called Wanda

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, mr. Plenn.
- Hiya, doogie. Come on in.

- Something to drink?
- No, thank you.

Hey, patty! Come on!

That boat leaves in 35 minutes!

Wanda, honey, your
personal physician is here!

- Something to drink?
- No, thank you. You look
very nice, sir.

Big dinner cruise to catalina.

Eat, drink, be buoyant...
That sort of thing.

- What's new with you?
- Not much.

I amputated my first
toe this morning.

That's nice. This
thing straight?

- Hi, doogie.
- Hi, wanda.

- You look great.
- Thanks.

Midnight, honey, no later. You're
on the honor code, young man.

Mr. Plenn: our boat doesn't
dock in until after 2:00

- So I have to trust you.
- All right, daddy.

Don't "all right, daddy" me. I'm
being very liberal about this.

I used to tell her no dating
doctors till she was a senior.

Good night, daddy.

- I'm sorry about that.
- That's okay.

Look, we kinda gotta hurry
'cause the movie starts at 6:00

And we have to pick
up vinnie and janine.

- What's the matter?
- The matter? Nothing's
the matter, why?

I don't know. You seem
kinda nervous or something.

Wanda, I was gonna save this till
later 'cause I know you're supposed

To build up to
questions like this, but if

I wait I'm gonna have
to go to the bathroom

All night and who knows? I could
even get beeped, in which case...

- Why don't you just
ask me the question?
- Okay, the question.

That'll be good.

See, I know a lot of guys ask you out and
you probably do go out with some of them,

And there's nothing
wrong with that, but...

Now that we've been out a couple of
times, I was just wondering if you could...

You know, stop doing that? Going
out with other guys and maybe...

Maybe just go out with me?

- You mean,
be your girlfriend?
- Uh-huh.

I'd love to be your
girlfriend, doogie.

That's great. That's great.

So what should we do now?

Doogie.

I must have had too much
popcorn, my stomach aches.

- More likely hyperglycemia.
- What?

Too many of those
chocolate-covered raisins.

- Vinnie: now say, "aahh."
- Aahh.

Hey, you've got some
well-hung tonsils, lady.

Stay out of my medical
bag. Those aren't toys.

Just examining my
date. I wanna make sure

All her oral cavities -
are in working order.

Vinnie!

Hey! Hey, janine!

Here we are. Alone.

Yeah, just you and me.

Boyfriend and girlfriend.

This is really the
best night of my life.

You're really a
good kisser, doogie.

- I am?
- Yeah, you're
really charming.

You know, you're really
the first girl I ever kissed.

Like that.

I like it that you're shy.

I hate it when guys
get grabby and stuff.

What, did I bite you?

No, my stomach really hurts bad.

- Where?
- Here.

It's probably just a
cramp or something.

- Right here?
- Huh-uh.

- Ow!
- Here? That's
rebound tenderness.

- Lie back
and take deep breaths.
- It's probably something I ate.

- I know that's what it is.
- If that's it, you ate
your appendix.

Vinnie, we gotta go!

Janine, where's vinnie?

- He is throwing up!
- Anxiety puking.

- He does it when he
gets around girls.
- Yuck!

- Vinnie, wanda's sick!
- Sorry.

- Had a little accident.
- Get in the car.

We gotta get wanda
to the hospital now.

Get a wheelchair. 16-Year-old,
probably appendicitis.

- Let's admit her,
get some blood work.
- She's a minor.

We need parental consent...

Her parents are unreachable,
in the middle of the ocean.

- Put her in 1-b and get
someone to examine her.
- Everybody's tied up, doctor...

- Bad bus accident.
- Try and get a bed on 6-c
and call an anesthesiologist.

Start up an i.v. With
dextrose and saline.

- Climb up here, wanda.
- You can't admit her
by yourself!

- You need the attending
physician's okay!
- This is an emergency!

I can admit her and that's exactly
what I'm doing! Is anyone free?

No, fowler's in surgery and
everyone else has red blankets.

- How are you doing?
- Not so good.

- 90 Over 60.
- Okay, this may be
a little tight,

So just relax. Let's try and
get fowler on the horn for me.

Okay, wanda.

There's gonna be a little
needle prick here, okay?

Ow.

I need to talk to dr. Fowler.

Okay, let's get this
to the lab for a c.b.c.

Let's get a specimen bottle.
We're gonna need a urinalysis.

I'm cold.

- I've got dr. Fowler.
- Good. Let's get a blanket.

Hi.

Yes, I'm sure it's
acute appendicitis.

Blood pressure's 90
over 60. She's got chills.

My guess is she's
becoming septic.

I think we're gonna have
to operate right away.

- Maintenance to
second floor nurses' station.
- No, I didn't.

No, I didn't.

I can't do that.
She's my girlfriend.

16.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Um...

It looks like I'm gonna have to
be the doctor here, which means

I'm gonna have to ask
you a few questions.

What?

Are you pregnant?

No.

Good, very good. Okay.

Are you sexually active?

- Doogie!
- I'm sorry, wanda,
I have to ask.

Are you sexually active?

No!

Okay, that's good.

Well, now that we know
that, I have to do a pelvic.

No, please.

Wanda, I'm sorry, but there's
no time for an ultrasound.

This is the only other way we
can tell if you've got appendicitis...

In which case you're gonna
have to have immediate surgery...

Or whether it's a ruptured
ovarian cyst, in which case you won't.

I don't want you
to operate on me.

Fowler will be doing the actual
operation. I'll just be assisting.

I don't want you to be there.

I have to be there. I'm
the only other surgeon.

We can't exactly go searching for
another doctor at midnight on a saturday.

Besides, I'm the best.

I know this won't be pleasant for you, but
it'll be much easier if you try to relax.

Please, doogie.

Hey, trust me.

You know I won't let
anything happen to you.

Dr. Shapiro to the
dialysis unit, stat.

Fowler: more suction.

Kelly clamp.

There are some adhesions here.

Looks like she's had it before.

Metzenbaum.

- Nurse: aileen, I need more
lap sponges, please.
- Aileen: sure.

Fowler: babcock.

Okay, I'm bringing it up now.

Everything's going great, wanda.

Nurse: dr. Fowler?

- We have a red blanket,
s*ab wound to the heart.
- Have you done this before?

- Doogie: yes, but...
- Then you're finishing.

Get your hands on
that retractor, nurse.

Dr. Howser, take over.

Kelly.

Scalpel.

I knew we never should have gone

Without getting a
phone number to give her.

Are you sure he
knows what he's doing?

Mrs. Plenn, I know how you feel.

Have you got daughters?

- No.
- Then believe me,

You don't have a clue
how we're feeling.

Douglas is a first-rate doctor!

Mrs. Plenn, wanda
is in very good hands.

Shouldn't he be done by now?

Once the appendix perforates,

It takes a lot of time to
irrigate the affected area.

- What the hell happened?
- She's fine. The appendix
perforated.

We removed it. Everything went
great. She's gonna be perfect.

- Oh, thank god.
- How the hell did
this happen?

- And why are you operating?
- Michael.

He's a kid, for god's sake! They were
supposed to be going to the movies.

Mr. Plenn, appendicitis is not
that uncommon for teenagers.

- It can happen very suddenly.
- Did another doctor
look at her?

Did somebody else diagnose this?
Did you operate all by yourself?

No, the diagnosis was confirmed.
Dr. Fowler also performed the procedure.

Wanda's in recovery. She's awake
and you can see her if you want.

Thank you, doogie.
Come on, honey.

You okay?

- Tired.
- Come on, let's go home.

- Abdomen clean?
- Yep.

- Why didn't you use
a general?
- Time.

- Plus she'd eaten a lot
of stuff at the movies.
- Hmm.

- What'd you see?
- "Batman."

- Again?
- It's good, dad.

- You ought to take mom.
- "Batman." Come on, robin.

Dr. Howser. Once again, you
have managed to cause an uproar.

How?

- You admitted a minor patient
without her parents' consent.
- There was no time.

And then, insult to injury, you didn't
get the appropriate authorization

- To perform emergency surgery.
- Fowler signed it and I
signed it.

Don't kid a kidder, young man.

You both did the surgery. You
needed two other signatures.

It was an emergency.
There was no one else there.

- If anything had gone wrong...
- It didn't.

If it had... Things do! We could
have been sued for millions.

So you're saying that in an
emergency I should sit on my hands,

Maybe risk a patient's life, just to
avoid the possibility of a lawsuit?

This wasn't just any patient.

- This was your girlfriend.
- Her parents were unreachable.

There were no other
surgeons available.

Under the same
circumstances I'd do it again!

Dr. Canfield, what's
the deal around here?

Are we a bunch of nervous
bureaucrats or are we doctors?

Like it or not, douglas,
and none of us do,

Practicing medicine in
1989 requires us to be both.

Do you have any idea

What this hospital pays out in
legal fees and malpractice claims?

No, sir.

Over $1,000,000 annually...

Unfortunately.

And it's not only my job to teach
you about the practice of medicine,

But about the consequences
of practicing medicine.

Do we understand each other?

Yes, sir.

Go on. b*at it.

Go give someone
else a hard time.

Hi!

How's the patient?

- Okay.
- Any pain?

- Not much.
- Good.

- Uh, I need to check
your dressing.
- Don't.

I have to.

Send somebody else to do it.

Wanda, what's the matter?

I hate it that you examined
me the way you did...

That you saw me that way.

Hey, I wasn't crazy
about it either.

But I had no choice.

Besides, I've seen
a million patients.

You never saw me.

What was I supposed to do? Drop
you off at the hospital and go home?

Just go away.

I don't wanna see you anymore.

Wanda, i...

Recreational therapist
to outpatient therapy.

Recreational therapist
to outpatient therapy.

You look like your
best friend d*ed.

Worse. First canfield
reads me the riot act

For admitting wanda
into emergency,

Then wanda tells me she
never wants to see me again.

Why?

She says it's too embarrassing.

Doogie had to diagnose
her appendicitis.

You mean she's never been checked
out by a doctor of the opposite sex?

I guess not on a
second date, no.

Excuse me, mr. Sensitive.

- Dr. Sensitive.
- Curly: when was
the last time

You were given a
personal, intimate

Examination by a doctor
of the opposite sex?

Are you kidding?

Give her a little time,
sport. She'll get over it.

Gotta fly. See you guys.

Boy...

Women.

I don't understand them at all.

Dr. Charlotte to emergency.

Hi, how are you feeling?

Okay, I guess.

I see dr. Howser
did your surgery.

- Uh-huh.
- Not too many girls
can brag

That they've had their appendix
removed by a 16-year-old doctor.

That's the most humiliating
thing that ever happened to me.

Why? He saved your life.

He was also my boyfriend.

Ah.

Every time I think
about what he did...

It was just so intimate.

You know, I've assisted
in lots of surgeries,

And when a doctor's operating, he
has to detach himself from his feelings.

That's especially hard
to do when the doctor

Cares as much
about the patient as...

I know doogie does about you.

I know it's none of my
business, wanda, but I think

You're confusing
embarrassment with anger.

I also think you're pretty lucky
to have doogie for a boyfriend.

Howser, you stud!

- Did you bring it home?
- Bring what home?

Her appendix, pea-brain!

You know that shakespeare thing.

"Alas, poor yorick,
I knew him well."

You could like, talk to her
appendix in a jar, same thing.

- I don't know what
you're talking about.
- Come on,

- Tell uncle vinnie
all about it.
- There's nothing to tell.

Oh, excuse me. Seeing
wanda plenn totally naked,

Having your hands all over her,

Eyeballing her
internals, that's nothing?!

Look, I didn't see
her totally naked.

I didn't have my
hands all over her.

I removed her
appendix, that's all.

- How'd you find out anyway?
- Wanda's parents told
ritchie fogle's parents.

Fogle told me. Howser, you're
the luckiest guy in the world!

- This is a sex pervert's
dream come true!
- Right.

"Excuse me, wanda, I just
yanked your appendix.

Should we close up or
do you just wanna neck?"

Trust me, vinnie, you're
opening an unconscious person.

You're exposing diseased internal
organs. There's nothing sexy about it.

Would you get outta here? I gotta
eat dinner and go back to the hospital.

Could you tell me one thing?
Did you have to shave her?

I mean it! Get outta here!

Okay! Okay!

It's like I'm being punished for
something that isn't my fault.

It's not fair.

This isn't about fair,
it's about feelings.

What about my feelings?

Doogie...

For any woman,

Let alone a 16-year-old,

Having a pelvic
examination can be...

A humiliating experience.

It robs you of your dignity...

Of control over your own body.

Intellectually you know it's
something you have to do but,

Emotionally,

It takes a long time to
get past the feeling that...

Well,

That you've been violated.

Yeah, but she said she
never wants to see me again.

Oh, I doubt she meant that.

Well, she said it.

People say lots of
things when they're upset.

So what do I do in the meantime?

Back off.

Give it some time.

Let her come to you.

Hi.

How ya feeling?

- Better.
- Is that a patient speaking
or a girl speaking?

What's the difference?

Well, if it's a
patient speaking,

I suppose I ought
to bill you 40 bucks.

- Doogie?
- Wanda?

You go first.

About the stuff I said...

About not ever wanting
to see you again?

I didn't mean it.

I was just... You
know, embarrassed.

Hey, it's okay.

- I understand completely. Forget about it.
- I mean,

It had to be pretty
embarrassing for you too, huh?

Yeah, well... I guess
it was, sort of.

Can I ask you one thing though?

Sure.

Did you... You
know, see me naked?

- Gee, wanda.
- Did you?

Well, not really. Just from...

Here to here.

- Oh my god.
- But I didn't pay
much attention, I swear.

Not that you're not
great. You're great!

It's just that... Well, I was...

Too busy trying to be a doctor.

Come here.

Thanks for taking
care of me, doogie.

Hey...

No big deal.

It's getting kind of late, son.

I know, I'm almost done.

Is everything all right

With you and wanda?

I guess. Unless she
changes her mind again.

Uh, permit a...

A little wisdom
from your old man.

No matter how
prodigious your intellect,

The conundrum of womanhood is...

Seldom grasped and
never fully understood.

Dr. Howser? What's this stuff

About grasping
wanda's conundrum?

Vincent, isn't it
past your bedtime?

No, sir.

Hmm.

Well it's past mine.

Good night, son.

- Good night, dad.
- Night, dr. Howser!

Vincent.

Howser, you schnauzer.

You never told me you
grabbed her conundrum!

Well, I don't tell
you a lot of things.

And?!

And what?

Was it... You know, good?

It was very mysterious.

Now would you get outta
here? I gotta go to bed.

Okay, okay.

Oh, dr. Howser,

I love you!