05x02 - The Big Sammich

[bunniefuu]

[♪ ♪]

Hey, y'all better fry up
some bacon 'cause, uh,

Chicago about to b*at
y'all like some eggs!

Please. With your defense,

this game is going
to be "over easy."

'Cause-'cause he said eggs,
and over easy is a way you cook eggs.

- (laughs) That was funny!
- Really?

No. I just didn't
want you to feel bad.

Yeah, see, now that was funny.

Victor: Booker, can you
come here for a sec?

(Door opens)

Hey, grandpa,
what's up?

Aren't you gonna
come watch the game?

Watch the game?

We're baxters.

Baxter can't watch the game
without a meat-mountain sammich.

What's a meat-mountain sandwich?

"Sandwich"?

Boy, I said "sammich."

A sammich
is born out of love.

The love between
a man, his meats,

and a tangy
dijon mustard.

Ooh, that sound kinda good.

Alright, make me one.

Make you one? No, no, no, no.
I'm a do you one better.

I'm a teach you
how to make one.

That's not one better.
That's one worse.

We've been robbed!

- Robbed?
- What did they take?

Everything!
My-my-my...

My smoked Turkey,
my honey ham,

my aged gouda,
my young cheddar. (Gasps)

They even took my cookies.

What kind of monster
steals a man's cookies?

It sounds like the work
of a... cookie monster.

- (laughter)
- That is not funny.

- I need to call somebody.
- Okay, you know, um, try svu.

- The salami victims unit!
- (laughter)

I don't know.
If we wait too long,

- it's gonna be a cold cuts case!
- (laughter)

Whenever this is,
not helping.

Wow. Wow.
That grocery store was so bougie,

the Kale had
five million followers.

Somebody cleaned out
the kitchen.

Oh yeah, it was me.
You're welcome.

What? What?
W-W-Why would you do that?

I had my mouth all ready
for a meat mountain sammich.

Now, I got no meat,
got no mountain...

- (clap)
- Got no sammich!

Dad, if you make
that sandwich,

you'll be making
another trip to the er.

Ooh! You do not want
to go to the er.

Thank you, Neil.

They don't have
any sports channels.

- Go home, Neil.
- Okay.

(Theme music playing)

♪ Ha, ha!
Lemme tell ya somethin' ♪

♪ Had my vision
all worked out ♪

♪ But then life
had other plans ♪

♪ Tell 'em, mom ♪

♪ It's crazy when things
turn upside down ♪

♪ But ya gotta get up
and take that chance ♪

- ♪ It's Raven's home ♪
- ♪ When it's tough ♪

- ♪ Yeah, Raven's home ♪
- ♪ We got love ♪

♪ 'Cos no matter the weather,
ya know we gon' shine ♪

♪ There for each other,
ya know it's our time ♪

*RAVEN'S HOME
Season 05 Episode 02

(Raven laughing)

Yep! That's us.

[♪ ♪] Episode Title:
"The Big Sammich"

Aired on:
March 18, 2022.

[♪ ♪]

Booker, have you seen

my leftover pork chop
I had in the refrigerator?

You mean the one you
wrapped in aluminum foil,

hid under the veggie tray
with the words "vegan options"

- written on it?
- Yeah, that one.

Yeah, mom found it
and threw it in the trash.

That trash?

(Clang, rummaging)

- What are you doing?
- Um...

I dropped a contact.

You don't wear contacts.

That's probably why
I couldn't find it.

Dad, come on.
You have to do better.

Listen, a couple of months ago,
I realized

I needed to make
some lifestyle changes,

and bam! I did it.

And if I can do it,
you can do it.

And I am not going
back to Chicago

till I know you can
take care of yourself.

I can take care of myself.

Well, you were just
trying to eat a pork chop

out of the trash.

Just sayin'.

This is why I have come up

with a plan to help you, dad.

And I'm calling it

(clears throat) Raven's
intensive bodybuilding strategy.

- (Giggles)
- Ribs! I like ribs!

Dad, it's not gonna be ribs.
You can't have ribs, alright?

I'm changing the name.
It's, um, it's now...

It's now "better...

"energy for exercise...

Fitness."

Beef?

I do like a side of beef
with my ribs.

You know what? No.
There is no name, alright?

You're just gonna exercise
and eat right,

and, um, you know,
you're going to live to be 100.

Without beef or ribs,
why bother?

Hey, Mr. Baxter.
I helped Alice pick up her room,

she brushed her teeth,
and she's getting ready for bed.

Thanks, Ivy.
How much do I owe you?

Oh, um, you know what?
Don't worry about it.

This one's on the house.
Just happy to help out.

Oh, um (laughs)
I also unclogged the sink

in the upstairs bathroom.

I think I know where
all your hair went.

(laughing)

She got jokes! I like you!

I'm glad you're next door to my dad.
You really help out.

(laughs) You know...
Come on, dad.

We had a neighbor
in Chicago,

and she helped, too,
you know.

She helped herself to my couch,
my food, my Wi-Fi...

(laughs) You know,

I can't believe grandpa let you
get away with that bald joke.

Yeah, we're good like that.

It's just, I don't see
my grandparents that often,

so I kinda look at Mr. Baxter
as a bonus grandfather.

Well, you didn't have to clean the drain.
I coulda done it.

I know. I didn't mean
to make you look bad.

Uh, why would I look bad?

Oh, you know, because I've
been helping out so much.

Are you saying I should
be helping out more?

No, no. I'm not saying that.

It's just that helping out
is how I show I care.

- Are you saying I don't care?
- No! Look,

your grandpa is getting older.
I want him to know he's loved.

Are you saying he
doesn't know I love him?!

No!

"No" like he doesn't know
or "no" like he does know?

I'm going home.

[♪ ♪]

(Both laugh)

(Music on TV)

(Both laugh)

(Cartoon sound effects)

(laughing)

(Indistinct mumbling)

- What are you doing?
- I-I'm dusting.

What? Air?

Ivy already dusted.

Fine then,
I'll, uh...

- Put away the dishes.
- I already did that.

- I'll take out the trash?
- Did that, too.

Is there anything you didn't do?

I, uh, didn't clean the toilet.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

Come on, Ivy, I just wanna show
grandpa Vic how much I care.

Whoa.

Hey, is this
grandpa Vic's Jersey?

Oh yeah. He loves that thing.

But, he hasn't worn it since
he got this huge stain on it.

Ivy:
Hm.

I don't know how it got
mixed in with these clothes.

I'll put it back
in his closet.

What are you doing
with pop-pop's Jersey?

I'm gonna get
the stain out for him.

Have you ever done
laundry before?

How hard could it be?

Oh yeah, Tasha.
I'm definitely watching this.

[♪ ♪]

- Wow. (Laughs) My old room.
- (heavy breathing)

Hoo-hoo!

- If these walls could talk.
- What would they say?

Nothing. Hey, dad!

Good job! Really
working it out there.

You know, just a couple
more seconds.

Rae... (panting)

You trying to keep me
from having a heart att*ck

is going to give me
a heart att*ck.

Okay, how about this?
Stop the treadmill,

and, uh,
you come over here

and give me as many
sit-ups as you can.

Okay. (Grunts)

Here we go. (Inhales)

(Groaning, struggling)

(Straining)

(Gasping)

Ooh, that was tough.

What else you got?

- Some more sit-ups...
- (panting)

But it hurt!

Oh, dad, you got this.

Alright, I'm here
to lift you up.

Now you just gotta commit.
That's what I did. (Click)

You know, if you think
it was so easy,

why don't you do it with me?

- You calling me out? Alright then.
- Mm-hmm.

Don't be mad when I show you up.

Lemme show you what
I been doing. You ready?

- Let me start the... Nice little speed.
- (beeping)

(Treadmill whirring)

See? Walk it like I talk it.
(laughs) Power walk.

Catwalk.

(Gasps) Moonwalk!

(Laughs)

You're enjoying this,
aren't you?

I sure am. Ow!
Break it down.

- Alice: Pop-pop, auntie rae! Come quick!
- (beep)

- (Booker spitting)
- Oh! Ew! (Struggling)

- (Splashing)
- What happened?!

The washing machine broke!

Because you fed it
too much soap!

- (Spitting)
- (struggling)

At least somebody's
getting fed around here.

[♪ ♪]

[♪ ♪]

What were you thinking,
booker?

I get it, I messed up.
But look, grandpa Vic,

I-I got the stain
out your Jersey!

Booker,
why would you do that?

Just showing you I care.

I loved that stain.

Why would you love a stain?

It reminds me
of the time when I was at

the warriors-laker game,

and Steph curry hits
the winning three over LeBron.

Splash.

You still ain't said nothing
about that stain, bruh.

I jumped up to cheer,

and I spilled my chili dog
all over myself.

Felt like hot lava
running down my tummy,

but a great day.

I saved the stain
so I never would forget.

I just heard it,
and I wish I could forget it.

My bad grandpa, Vic.

I'm just so upset.

The only thing
I can possibly imagine

that would make me feel better

would be...

Smothered pork chop?

How about I take
two slices of tomato,

smother them in
low-calorie dressing,

and call it a pork chop?

You are so mean.

Oh, pop-pop,
cheer up! Who am I?

(low voice):
"my bad, grandpa Vic."

- (laughing) That's booker!
- Booker! Booker, right?

That is so good.
Okay, do me! Do me!

(Imitating Raven):
Aw, snap! Ya little nasty.

- (laughing)
- (clapping)

I don't sound like that.

That was perfect.

Way to go, Alice.
You always know how to make me laugh.

(laughing)

(Imitating):
Ya little nasty.

I don't even say that anymore.
That's, like, not even a thing.

Booker. Listen, I know
you meant well,

but to get your grandpa
back healthy,

we have to stop
stressing him out.

You're right.

Thank goodness Alice was here
to cheer him up.

You know what they say.
Laughter is the best medicine.

- And she... ooh! Honey.
- Yeah, I know.

- She had you down!
- She had you down!

- Me? You!
- Me? You!

[♪ ♪]

(laughing)

Dad, wasn't that great?
Fresh air.

(Singing):
Beautiful day!

Yeah. Lived in
this city all my life.

I never walked up that hill.
Now, I know why.

(laughs)

Okay... oh!
Where you going, dad?

Get a snack...

Ooh! I set you up something
good in the kitchen!

I got you celery
and apples and grapes.

You know they're nature's candy.

No. Candy is nature's candy!

(Doorbell rings)

- Hey, miss Baxter.
- Oh! Hey, Neil, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just delivering
this "get well soon" pie

from the chill grill
staff for Mr. B.

Yeah, he hooked me up with
a job ever since, you know,

you got me fired
from the hospital.

Okay, calm down.
I did not get you...

- Yeah, okay...
- Yeah...

- Sorry about that.
- Oh, it's cool.

Now, I can spend more
time over here. (Laughs)

Lucky us.

- Victor: Who's at the door?
- Nobody!

- What's behind your back?
- Nothing.

So, nobody stopped by
and dropped off nothing?

Okay, fine.
It was Neil.

He came by to drop off

this "get well soon" pie
from the chill grill.

So, it's... "my" pie.

If "we" were still eating pie.

If you weren't so stubborn,
we could be!

Or if you would have taken
better care of yourself.

(Struggling)

Raven Lydia Baxter.

I am your father.

Give me that pie.

Victor thelonious Baxter.

I am your daughter,
and I said no!

[♪ ♪]

The only way you're gettin' this pie
is if you take it from me.

Challenge accepted.

- This pie will be mine.
- Never!

Aw snap.

(Echoing laugh)

(Hitting sounds)

- (Echoing gasp)
- (pie whooshing)

(Gasps)

The student has
become the master.

(Whip cracks)

(Echoing yell)

(Air rushing)

(Thud)

- (Gasps)
- The master's back.

- (Squishing)
- Oh. Wow.

(Echoing laugh)

(Eating, laughing)

- Dad? Dad?
- Hm...

(slurping)

Dad?

What are y... what are you d...

Are-are you eating
fantasy pie?!

It wasn't real?

Wow...

You lost your mind.

I got to take this away.
This has to go.

- Fine. Throw it in the trash.
- You'd like that.

No, but I'm not gonna do it.
It's gonna come with me

'cause I've already seen
you eat out the trash once.

[♪ ♪]

Hey, grandpa!
How you feeling?

Tired, hungry, and my thighs
are starting to chafe.

How about you?

I feel good.

I feel good from my head...

To-ma-toes!

Get it? My head...

To-ma-toes?

That's cute, booker.

No, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait. Okay, um...

(clears throat) Who's this?

(Imitating):
Ya little nasty.

(Claps, laughs)

Remember? Like how Alice did?

What is happenin' here?

Everybody's doing something
to help you out.

You know, my mom
is getting you healthy.

Ivy's helping around the house.
Alice is making you laugh.

I just...

I wanna do something to
show you how much I care.

I know you care.

But...

If you really wanna show
an old man that you care,

maybe you could...

Nah, I could never
ask you to do that.

No, no, no. Ask me!
Ask me anything!

I was wondering if you
could do me a favor.

Maybe you can figure
out a way to get me

a meat mountain sammich.

Grandpa...

Mom said you
shouldn't have that.

Oh, come on.
You know how your mother is.

- She's overprotective.
- That is true.

And sometimes, she goes
a little overboard.

Overboard is
an understatement.

And she's not always
right, is she?

No.

Actually, sometimes, she's...

- (whispers): Wrong.
- Exactly.

So maybe, this is
one of those times.

Come on. One little sammich
isn't going to hurt.

Maybe you're right.
It's just one sandwich.

- Or two.
- I get one?

Nope.

Hey. Listen, I thought about
our conversation earlier.

I was going to go
wash your grandpa's car.

Maybe you want to help out?

You know,
show him that you care.

Yeah, I would, but, uh,
I'm about to be elbow-deep...

In a big pile of meat.

Boys are weird.

[♪ ♪]

[♪ ♪]

I can't thank
you enough

for bringing all this stuff
from the chill grill.

Oh. It's my job,
so you don't have to thank me.

But, a tip would be nice.

Okay, how does a, uh,

half pound of salami sound?

Oh, well (laughs)..

It's gonna make my
wallet stink, but okay.

I can't believe you're really
going through with this.

Ivy, my grandpa needs this.
Just one little sammich.

There's nothing little
about that sandwich.

Uh, I believe it's
pronounced "sammich."

(Rapping):
We got pastrami, salami,

some dijon, and bacon...

(rapping): If you give him that sammich,
his heart will be achin'.

It was a mild heart att*ck,
and I'm not to blame.

Grandpa wants a sammich,
so, Ivy, stay in your Lane.

(Rapping): Hey, my name is Neil,
and I'd like to say,

I like that we're rapping,
but can we do it

in a non-confrontational way?

[♪ ♪]

Alright, gotta lead
by example. (Grunt)

If dad sees I can do it,

then he'll know he can do it.

(Whooshing)

(Echoing): Thanks for making me a
meat mountain sammich, booker.

(Whooshing)

He better not give
him that sammich.

That boy's gonna give
me a heart att*ck.

- (Clang)
- ow! Ow! Ow, my pinky toe!

My pinky toe!

Ah...

Grandpa, I got
a surprise for you.

Oh boy...

I wonder what
this could be?

Well, hopefully
I made it right.

A meat mountain sammich.

(Pop, hiss)

Wasn't expecting that.

Ah...

(quiet sob)

My baby toe!

(Crying)

It hurts so much...

Okay. I gotta stop booker.
Here we go.

Oh my goodness.

(Grunting)

Oh! Okay...

(struggling)

Oh... Snap!

(Screaming)

[♪ ♪]

Thanks, booker.
I'm really goingto enjoy this.

Just showing you
how much I care.

Beautiful meat
mountain sammich.

I haven't had one
of these since last...

- Tuesday.
- Oh yeah.

I remember seeing
you last Tuesday.

Yeah, at the hospital

because he had
a heart att*ck.

A mild heart att*ck.

Yeah, but what if
the next one isn't mild?

One sandwich is not
going to k*ll me.

But a sammich could.

Sorry, grandpa Vic, I...

I-I can't let you have this.

Yes! Yes, you can!

What about showing me
how much you care?

That's what I'm doing.

If you love me, you would...

Protect you.

Even if it's from yourself.

What are you talking about?

Grandpa, I want you to be happy.

But I want you to be
around even more.

Raven:
Stop!

Don't... Give... Sammich!

Thanks for making me a meat
mountain sammich, booker.

And thanks even more for
not letting me have it.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, got a cramp! Ah!

Going down!

(Thumping)

I'm okay! I'm okay.

Is that pie all over your face?

Yeah, that's pie.

[♪ ♪]

You expect me to believe
you didn't eat any of that pie?

Dad, come on.
I said... listen,

the pie fell in my mouth.

Okay, it's just natural
reflex for me to chew.

It's like... Survival.

(laughs)

Okay, look. I wanna get healthy.
I really do.

But, I've been living
like this for a long time.

I can't completely
change overnight.

I understand that.

It's just that when I got that
call about your heart att*ck,

it scared me.

And I don't want
to be scared anymore.

Scared me, too.

I want to get healthy.
I will exercise,

but we got to do
this in moderation.

We can do that.

(laughs)

Any, uh, pie left?

Yeah, there's a little stuck
in the corner by the treadmill.

I'm gonna get the spoons.

A-and get the whipped cream!
It's labeled "fish oil"

right next to the ginger,
underneath the turmeric.

[♪ ♪]

I can't possibly eat all this.

That's better.

[♪ ♪]