05x01 - Friend or Foe

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR:
We take you now
to Encino, California,

where we find the president

of the SpongeBob SquarePants
fan club...

flipping burgers?!

Oh, hey, kids. Potty and I
took jobs flipping burgers

so we can be just like our hero,

SpongeBob SquarePants.

l took the job
for the free sodas.

Potty, don't you have dishes to wash?
(squawks)

Argh!

Whoo. Hey, kids, say hello

to my boss, Mr. Pirateson.

Arrgghh!

One order of scurvy fries,

one large bilge water.

(bellowing)

Diet bilge water.

Argh!

I'll get right on it, sir.

(clunk)

Ow! (grunts)

P.U.! What died in here?

Oh, Potty, you're just in time
to try me new pirate patties.

I call this one

"Buried Treasure."

Where did you dig that one up?

This one's called
"Walk the Plank."

I'm already "board"
with that one.

This one will blow that little
bird brain of yours.

Behold the Patty patty.

Ahoy!

Oh, that's the worst one yet.

Potty Parrot, you are never

supportive of me.

(sobs)

l don't want
to be your friend anymore.

(squawks)

I never want to see you again.

Patchy, no!

(sobbing)

Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Squawk! Squawk!

You know, this isn't
the first time

that a patty has come
between two good chums.

lt happened once
in Bikini Bottom.

Here. Take a look
while I pull myself together.

(crying)

(projector clicking)

Hmm... something ain't right.

For me?

Don't you find this
a tad suspicious?

Suspicion doesn't hold a candle
to birthday wishing.

Surprise!

(screaming)

(screaming)

(laughing)

Whoa!

Disengage!

(beeping)

MR. KRABS:
Me secret formula!

Happy Birthday, Krabs!

Don't forget your condiments,
Plankton.

Attaboy, SpongeBob.

Safe!

You'll rue the day we were born,
Krabs!

I'll be back.

Oh, barnacles.

(wailing)

(groaning and moaning)

Why, Mr. Krabs?

Why does he hate us so?

You might as well blame me,
SpongeBob.

There was a time when Plankton
and I were

best friends.

(all gasping)

Best friends?

Friends at birth, you might say.

Even as wee ones.

(chuckling)

Goo!

(laughing)

(seahorse squeaks)

Aww!

Things were all
peaches and cream...

Aww!

...until we hit grade school.

(kids chattering)

Hey, Planky, what you doing?

Oh, just a little something
l thought I'd try out.

(laughing)

ldiots!
I'll show you with science!

This concoction is going
to blow everyone away!

(muffled expl*si*n)

(kids laughing)

How's this for a science
experiment, Mr. Brainatron ?

(screaming)

(groans)

They'll pay for this one day,
Eugene.

Darn tootin'!

Hey, barnacle brains,

l think you owe
Plankton an apology.

You're right, Plankton,
I'm sorry.

Sorry you have
to hang out with rag boy.

(laughing)

Yeah. Where'd you do

your clothes shopping?

The trash can?

(laughing)

'Twas true. I did get
me clothes from the trash.

You see, when I was growing up,
times were tough.

Me mother had to fashion me
clothes from rags.

(slow Western music plays)

There you go, son.
Your outfit's all finished.

It's a good thing Old Man
Jenkins was kind enough

to spare his last washcloth.

Oops!

(up-tempo bluegrass plays)
l missed a spot.

Then, one day,
while Plankton and I

plotted our revenge,
I met the love of me life.

What in Neptune's net is that?!

It's the most beautiful thing
me eyes have ever seen.

What is it?

It's money.

Money!

Yeah.
You can buy things with it.

Buy things?

So I spent it on a gift

for me best pal, Plankton.

(screaming)

ALL:
Wow!

Got your secret
recipe, Mr. Krabs.

You have no idea what that
went through to get here.

I've got a pretty
good idea, yeah.

So, if you guys were such great
friends, what happened?

Yeah, Mr. Krabs.

What did happen next?

Yeah. I really want to know.

Listen up, Squidward!

'Cause this is
where it gets juicy.

It all began at a place
called Stinky Burgers.

It was the only place
to get a burger.

The kids loved Stinky's.

Stinky! Stinky!

(clamoring)

(laughing)

(cheering)

And Stinky loved the kids.

What can I do for you,
young 'uns?

Mr. Stinky,
I'll have one burger, please.

Me, too, Stinky!

Oh, now, now, kids.

There's plenty of burgers
for everyone.

(cheering)

That's why we like
you so much, Stinky.

You always
deliver the goods.

We don't like Stinky.
We respect him.

Well, which one is it, kids?

Do you like or respect me?

Like!
Respect!

Like!
Respect!

Okay, let's just meet in the
middle and say you li-spect me.

(cheering)

Li-spect!
Li-spect!

Excuse us.

Valuable customers
coming through.

What are those dorks doing here?

Two Stinky Burgers, please.

Did your brains dribble out

onto the sidewalk
you slept on last night?

If it's burgers you want,
go around back.

ALL:
Yeah, Stinky!

Thanks for keeping
the nerds out!

You're the best, Stinky.

Okay, that's enough, kids.

Gather around, children.

There's something
I want to tell you.

What I have to say
is very important.

If you remember just one thing
for the rest of your life,

remember that, well,
without your kind patronage,

I'd be a penniless loser
like rag boy.

(knocking at door)

Do you two have kelp for brains?

Don't you understand?

lf you two yahoos
keep coming around,

you'll drive away
all the normal customers.

I've worked too long
and too hard

to make this
a li-spectable business.

As it is, I can barely afford
the essential things in life.

(beeping)

Is it quitting time already?

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm off to enjoy some
of life's essentials.

Ooh!

Did you hear that, Krabs?

By cooking burgers
for those cretins,

he was able
to gain their li-spect.

Did you see that
fat stack of loot?

l bet if someone
made a better burger,

they'd have a fatter stack
of loot.

(cash register dings)

But who has the ability
to make such a burger?

Who has the skill?

Skill, schmill, Krabs, baby.

Who needs skill
when science is on your side?

We'll make that burger,
and when we do,

we will rule the school!

(laughing)

I miss Potty.

l remember
the first time we met.

If I could only hear his voice.

Less talking and
more working, Jack.

Potty!

You came back to apologize.

l came to tell you
to get back to work.

You can't tell me
what to do! You...

Assistant Manager?

How did you get to be
Assistant Manager?

A little thing called
a GED, my man.

Oh, here we go with the fancy

book learning.

Customers love me cooking.

Why, we're almost
out of doggie bags.

(retches)

Oh, Potty...

What am I doing wrong?

You just need some
practice is all.

(maniacal laughter)

(hacking)

(foghorn blows)

Ooh, me patty's done.

Smells like an unswept
poop deck.

Oh, fine, I'll try it then.

Pah!

For the crime of befouling
me taste buds,

I order you to...

walk the plank!

Ha!

Oh, well, I'll bet
SpongeBob's first patty

didn't go so well either.

(squawks):
Roll film.

(projector clicking)

(babbling)

(lullaby playing)

(laughing)

A perfect patty
on the first try.

D-oh! I'll make a Potty Patty
out of you!

You're unsanitary, Patchy.

You keep hamburger meat
in an old boot.

Well, that's what gives it
its special flavor.

You've got rats in the kitchen.

D-oh, I brush and
shampoo them daily.

Who's Patchy's little princess?

(chomps)

Oh! Ooh!

Mm...! Don't do that!

And you should wash your hands
after using the bathroom.

What?
Every time?

That's not all.

This is a step
in the right direction.

What kind of a pirate
wears a hair net?

The same kind that wears
a "kiss-the-cook" apron.

Well, you never know,
Potty, I might get lucky.

You hear that, ladies?

Patchy is available.

Now I feel sick.

That's it, you feathered snake!

This time you've gone too far.

(squawks)

You missed!

That all you got?

Now you've done it.

Argh!

Argh!

Yes, Mr. Pirateson.

You kids watch the rest
of the cartoon

while I watch Potty get fired.

PIRATESON:
Argh!

Coming, Mr. Pirateson, sir.

MR. KRABS:
So we went back to our secret
hideaway, the dump,

to prove to those chowder heads

that a burger could be
semi-edible

and easy to swallow.

We made sure to keep careful
record of our progress.

(sizzling)
PLANKTON:
Gently.

Gently.

We finally emerged
with the best-looking

burger under the sea.

We went back to Stinky's
to rub our patty

in those kids' greasy faces.

But Stinky's had been shut down
by order

of the Health Department.

So we seized the opportunity

and converted our hangout
into a restaurant.

(horn blows)

Our venture into capitalism
began.

One dollar, please.

There you are, sir.

'Twas me first dollar
l'd ever earned,

and 'twas also the beginning
of a beautiful,

romantic relationship
with money.

Hey!

Your burgers are even
worse than Stinky's.

We can barely keep them down.

If it weren't for
Stinky's shutting down,

no one would eat here.

Now give me a burger,
l'm starving.

Just look at them, Eugene.

The very people who ridiculed me
are now feasting on my recipe.

l thought it
was our recipe.

I'm ruling their stomachs.

And soon I will be ruling
their minds!

(laughing maniacally)

But, what about
satisfying the customer?

Barnacles to the customer!

I'm talking about
ruling the world.

(cackling)

And with this secret recipe,
nothing will stop me!

Give me that!

Stop!

You're going to bust it!

Burgers aren't for
ruling worlds.

I'm terribly sorry, Eugene.

I couldn't hear you.

Could you come closer?

Maybe stand on the tile
in front of you?

Which one,
the one that says "eject"

or the one that says
"trap door"?

Oh, either one will do.

What I was saying was...

You'll regret this one day!

And he always did.

Lies!

(gasps) Hold
on, there, me boy.

We don't need to go through
all that again.

Very touching,
but completely false.

Don't know
what you mean.

Why don't you tell them
the truth?

It did happen that way,
didn't it, Mr. Krabs?

Most of it is true,

except for what
really happened.

We had created
the tastiest burger.

That's when things
became unsavory.

(laughing)

First, I'll rule their stomachs,

and then...
(laughing)

their money!

But what about satisfying
the customers?

Barnacles to
the customers.
(gasps)

I'm talking about coins,

cash, wallets, bank accounts!

And with this secret recipe,

nothing will stop me!

Give me that.

Stop, you're gonna bust it.

This isn't about money, Eugene.

Malarkey.

You'll regret this one day!

Ouch!

Huh?

Our little squabble

only got me part of the recipe.

Gosh, Mr. Plankton,

that doesn't sound like
the Mr. Krabs story at all.

(door opens)
KAREN: That's
because it isn't.

Karen?! Karen?!
Karen?!

You're both liars.

That's not how
it happened at all.

ln those days,
I was just starting out

as a security system.

Plankton and I met
when he installed me.

It was only our third date.

Anyways, I recorded

the whole thing in my databanks.

Now that's a handsome
looking burger.

You said it, old chum.

Attention!

Get your Plankton and Krabs
Patties right here.

Do you think it was a good idea

to open in the dump?

(horn blowing)

(up-tempo bluegrass plays)
What's that music?

I'd know that theme song
anywhere.

It's Old Man Jenkins.

Old Man Jenkins!

I've just been searching
for some new shoes

for old Bessie.

You helped me mom and me
through some tough times.

It would be an honor
if you'd be the first

to try our delicious burgers.

Why, I'd be happy to.

(crunching)

Yeah!

MR. KRABS:
"Plab Patties KO Old Man J."

I can't believe we poisoned
that sweet old guy.

Well, he is old.

Hey, that guy is
like family to me.

Well, it was your fault
the patty was tainted.

You're the one who put too much
seaweed sauce in the burger.

You let it sit out too long.

That's what did it.

I'm taking the recipe
and fixing it.

No way!

That recipe's mine!

Stop, you're gonna...

You want to fight
over this recipe,

I'll give you a fight
you'll never forget!

Well, that's ruined.

But no use letting this
go to waste.

These kids will eat anything.

(sniffing)

I've done it.

I discovered the perfect
patty batter.

KAREN:
Meanwhile, Plankton was back
at the elementary school.

But this time
he was going it alone.

Oh, no you don't.

This is my turf.

I think not, rag boy.

What?!

Why, I ought to
squash you right now.

You
little... Get out of my face!

(growling)

Hey, look, nerd fight.

I got five bucks
on rag boy.

Aha! We'll let the customers
decide whose burger is better.

Step right up, gents.

Get a delicious Chum Burger
right here.

Big Johnny will
eat anything.

Have a Chum Burger, Johnny, sir.

KAREN:
Plankton had pieced together
his own creation

using memory and science.

Go on, sir, tell your buddies

what you think.

l'm going to try one
of rag boy's burgers.

Here you are, sir.

You are the first to
taste a Krabby Patty.

Flavor!

Edible!

We can actually hold it down.

This is the most
flavor-tastic sensation

my still-developing taste buds
have ever experienced!

Yay!

(cheering) Rag boy!
Rag boy!

I'll show you, Krabs.

I'll steal that cursed recipe
from you one day.

And I won't stop till I do!

Whoo-hoo!

My recipe was, is,

and always will be
the best!

You wouldn't have that recipe
if it weren't for me.

You calling me a liar?

Will you men stop yelling
at each other?

I can't believe you let a recipe

ruin such
a wonderful friendship.

You were my only
true friend

that didn't have a president
printed on him.

But money doesn't
hug back.

My life has been nothing but
a long line of disappointments

since we became enemies.

All these years I've been trying
to steal your formula.

But I was really just trying
to steal back our friendship.

Really?

It's all I ever really wanted.

To get back to the way
it used to be.

You and me against the world.

How about a hug, Krabs, old pal?

l'd like that,
Planky, old chum.

(sobbing)

Doesn't this warm
your heart, Karen?

I suppose it would,
if I had one.

I'm sorry, Krabs, old buddy.

(sobbing):
Me, too. Me, too.

Now, Karen!

Back off, rag boy!

(cackling)

(gasps)

Sabotage!

Go, Karen!

Ho! That Plankton never learns,
does he, kids?

As for me,
I decided to take some time off

to catch up on me reading.

You didn't take time off.

You got fired.

Hey, you got fired, too.

I got a golden parachute.

Well, at least I know they'll
never be able to replace me.

(squawks)
Looks like they already did.

(growls softly)

What?! They let a smelly,

hairy fleabag like that

serve food?

(roaring)
Hey, watch it.

Hey! Ow!

Ooh! Ow!

Hey, watch the patch!

Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Oh, no, please.

I have a tomato allergy.

Ow, right in the buns!

Ow, ooh! Ow!

Oh! Oh! Hey!

NARRATOR:
And so, kids, always remember
to follow your dreams.

Unless you're Patchy.

Then just stay in bed.