03x25 - The Great Race II

[bunniefuu]

Oh, man, I can't believe
it. What's the matter?

I still haven't reached my
fundraising goal for the library.

Where am I gonna get
another thousand dollars?

Well, you could pay the fine on that
library book I've had out for seven years.

I'm almost done with it.

If I could just reach
this fundraising goal

I'd be out of the
fundraising business forever.

No more kissing up to
people, planning stupid events.

I'd be a whole different person.

Forget the book, I got
the grand right here.

What's that supposed to mean?

Honey, snookums.

Loverbuns, come on.

This fundraising doesn't
actually bring out the best in you.

You've been almost as unbearable
as you were during childbirth.

I'd like to see how pleasant
you'd be giving birth.

Hey. I'd be huge giving birth.

Cracking jokes,
doing impressions.

"Look, sumo man.
Look at me, look at me."

I would cut the umbilical cord
with Binford hedge clippers.

(chopping sounds)

Great way for baby to begin life, seeing
you coming at him with hedge clippers.

Hey, come on, help me out.
Where am I gonna get this money?

Have a bake sale. Get
your cupcakes to everybody.

Once the nausea sets
in, just grab their wallet.

How do you think I
got the last thousand?

Know how they have those
studly celebrity auctions?

We could do that on Tool Time.

Sure.

People would pay a lot of money to have
a handsome tool guy stop by and fix stuff.

Do you think Al would do that?

You auction me off, you raise all
the money you need for the library,

have money left over for a
turbocharged four-wheel drive bookmobile.

Why would the library need
a turbocharged bookmobile?

Speed reading courses.

What do you think? Could
we put the kids in the middle?

Welcome to Tool Time. I'm
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

and you all know my
assistant, Al Borland.

(applause)

Well, today's your chance

to take home TV's top
tool man for an entire day.

That's right.

One lucky bidder will be
able to take home... me.

I should mention that it's
for a very worthy cause.

Let's bring out our guest auctioneer
with a big round of applause.

This woman's enjoyed my tool
expertise for the last years.

Big warm Tool Time welcome
for Jill "The Tool Wife" Taylor!

Honey, come on.

Thank you. I should mention that all
the proceeds from the auction today

go to the Detroit
Public Library.

Should we start
the bidding? Yeah.

Actually, before
you start the bidding,

I have a surprise
entry for the auction.

Surprise? Yes. I think it'll
bring in quite a tidy sum.

Let's have a warm welcome for the
tool man that needs no introduction.

The grand master
of tools, Mr. Bob Vila.

Bob Vila! This is so
exciting. I'm bursting.

Hi, Tim. Hey, Bob.
Welcome to Tool Time.

This is Tim's lovely wife, Jill.

Hello. Nice to meet you. It's a
thrill. Likewise. It's a pleasure.

Bob, what brings you to Detroit?

I just showed my hot rod at the
custom car show over at Cobo Hall.

You built a hot rod? Actually,
I had it built by some experts.

I built my own.

That's nice, Tim. But
mine actually runs.

Could we...?

Tool show? Cable
television? Sorry.

Right. Why don't we start our auction off
by bidding on our good friend Bob Vila?

Step up here, Bob. OK.

Please bear with my wife, this is the
first time she's ever been an auctioneer.

I'm gonna open the bidding
at one hundred dollars.

One hundred dollars.

I got a hundred, do I hear
a hundred and a quarter?

Two hundred. Two hundred
from the lady in the denim.

Do I hear three
hundred, three hundred?

Talk to me, talk to me,
swing, batter, swing.

Come on, people. Stop
sitting on your hands.

This is big Bob Vila,
the man who's the reason

why men like my
husband have a job.

Seven hundred.
Woohoo! Seven hundred!

Seven hundred, seven
hundred, seven hundred,

going once, going twice...

Sold for seven hundred smackeroonies
to the man with the wonderful smile.

Hope you're very
happy with your tool man.

I'm telling you, seven
hundred dollars...

Seven hundred dollars is a
lot of money, but he is worth it.

Petty cash. Wait till you see
what I go for. Sit down, Bob.

All right, ladies and germs,

you now have the chance to
bid on the toast of Tool Time,

the host of Tool Time,
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

I'll open the bidding
at one hundred dollars.

A hundred, a hundred,
a hundred... A hundred.

A hundred dollars! Do I hear two
hundred dollars, two hundred, two hundred?

Just remember this man will do to
your house what he does here every day.

Maybe we should auction off
some homeowners' insurance first.

Come on, people, I
got a hundred dollars.

Do I hear one-fifty,
one-fifty, one-fifty?

Guy in the back. Two hundred,
he says. I didn't see a hand.

He's got gloves on. OK,
we have two hundred.

Do I hear three hundred?
Somebody give me three hundred.

Anybody give me three
hundred, anybody, anybody.

Nobody.

All right. I bid three
hundred dollars.

You can't bid,
you're the auctioneer.

It's my auction and
I'll bid if I want to.

Three hundred dollars.
Going once, going twice.

Going home with me
for three hundred dollars.

Wait, you put the gavel down too
fast. The guy in the back. Speak up, sir.

How can I get tickets
to Bob Vila's show?

Hi, guys, I'm home.

I said I'm home.

How'd the auction go?

Put a gavel in my
hand, I come alive.

So, did you raise
a lot of money?

We raised all of
it. It was great.

Bob Vila showed up
and the bidding went wild.

How'd dad do?

Good. Real good.

In fact, he was bought
by a very attractive woman.

How much did you pay for him?

Doesn't matter how
much I paid for him.

How much did Bob Vila go for?

It's not important.

Vila kicked his butt, huh?

You might say that.

Just don't say it in front of your
father. And I mean it, Randy.

Hi, guys.

Why you looking at me like that?

'Cause Bob Vila
kicked my butt again?

Well, since the ice is broken... That must
have been pretty embarrassing, huh, Dad?

Thank you, honey.

He brought it up.

Boys, go wash up.
(Randy) All right.

So. I'm gonna cook dinner.
You want some chicken?

Nah. How about a little piece
of Vila, pounded real thin?

Tim, will you get over it?

This guy beats me
at everything I do.

Last year the lawnmower
race, the auction. What's next?

Look. The important thing is the
library got all the money that we needed.

I'd just like to b*at
him at one thing.

Ice skating, skeet
sh**ting. Bobsledding.

Oh, forget that. They
probably named it after him.

Thank you, Al. Oh,
no, thank you, Bob.

It was the thrill of a lifetime.

What'd you guys do?
Go to Beards R Us?

No. Bob took me for a
ride in his new hot rod.

It's unbelievable.

He has a turbocharged two-liter
engine with horsepower.

And the whole body is
made out of aluminum.

Big deal. My whole hot rod
body is made out of fiberglass.

And we all know how
fast fiber makes you move.

Tim, from what I hear, your
hot rod's not even running.

Maybe you haven't
heard right, Bob.

I've gotta go. I've gotta have
my hot rod in Grosse Point at ten.

Bob, it's : . You're
never gonna make that.

Your hot rod couldn't. Mine can.

Are you suggesting your
hot rod can b*at my hot rod?

If the brake shoe fits...

Wait a minute, wait. That's it.
Why don't we race our hot rods?

Meet me at that old airport, the
m*llitary one on I- , tomorrow.

You're on.

OK.

We'll tape it for Tool Time, so the
audience can watch me kick your tailpipes

right back to That Old House.

Tim, the show I do now
is called Home Again.

OK, Bob. Kick your tailpipes
Home Again. We'll see about that.

All right. Now we just gotta
check the oil. How's it look?

It's hard to see.
That's 'cause it's clean.

That oil's so clean,
you add a little oregano

and vinegar, you
got a salad dressing.

Dad, after we get it
started, can we go for a ride?

No, we got a few more adjustments
on the carbs to make, then timing again.

But we can start it. Who
wants to do it? (both) I do.

Too bad. My car.

(clicking)

Good work, Dad.

It's so quiet, you can't
even tell it's running.

It's the solenoid, I think.

Hey, guys. How's it going?

Dad's taking a
ride in the hot rod.

Hey, Dad, slow
down! Let Mom get in!

I'm telling you,
please pipe down.

Uh-oh, there's
someone on your tail.

Is it Bob Vila? No, it's
a little kid on a tricycle.

Would you shut up? Come on, Tim.

He's knocking my car, all
right? Hey, boys, go on up to bed.

All right. If you get it
started, wake me up. Me too.

It's ten o'clock.

He's not gonna go driving
around in the middle of the night.

He's not, is he? If he
can get it started, he is.

(clicking)

Damn!

Is it my imagination, or are
you a bit on edge tonight?

How would you feel if
your solenoid was stuck?

First I'd cry, and then I'd want
to know what a solenoid is.

It makes the car start.
Everybody knows that, Jill.

Oh, come on, Tim.

'Cause you can't get the car started is
no reason to jump all over me, or Randy.

I'm sorry, honey, but I'm in a race
tomorrow and the car won't start.

Why not call Bob and ask him
if you can race him on Sunday?

I told him the car was
running. Why did you do that?

I don't know. Why does sauerkraut
go through me like a laser beam?

I need to get a new solenoid.

I've got to find an auto parts
store that's open hours.

Well, what can I do to help?

Get a hammer... Yeah?

And four big nails. Yeah?

Go to Bob's hotel and
puncture all his tires.

Got it, I got the...
All right, starter's on.

Now, if you just hold it up.

Will do.

Tim, hand me that
nine- ths socket.

Really appreciate your
coming over so late to help.

No problem, Tim. I was
already up feeding my bats.

Here you go. Thank
you, neighbor Tim.

A few turns of this ratchet, and
we'll have this starter problem fixed.

Wilson, I don't know
how I got into this mess.

It's taken me three years, three
years, to get this rod perfect.

Since I challenged Vila, I gotta
race it and it's not even broken in yet.

Well, sounds like you didn't
think before you challenged him.

How would you like it if
you were in an auction

and some other neighbor behind a
fence made more dollars than you?

Well, Tim, I'd be hi-de-hurt.

That's how I felt.

I started doubting myself
you know? I felt worthless.

Well, Tim, it's been said that
when a foot compares itself to a yard

it always comes up short.

So you're saying that
Vila's the yard, and

I'm the foot, and he's
better than me, right?

Well, only if you perceive
him as being better.

OK.

A philosopher once said, "If you
place a small value on yourself,

rest assured the world
will not raise your price."

But if I believe in
myself I could win this.

No, no, no, Tim. If you believe
in yourself you've already won.

The moment we've
all been waiting for.

The moment when you drag us
out of bed at : in the morning?

No. I unveil the hot
rod, we take a little spin.

All right. Let's do it.

I want to thank a few
people first, if I could, OK?

All right. Bradley, I want
to thank you most of all,

'cause you spent more time on
the hot rod with me than anybody.

So if something goes wrong
tomorrow, I'm blaming you.

That sounds fair.

Mark, thanks for all
your help. Thank you.

And Randy, what can I say?

You're definitely
one of my sons.

Thanks, Dad.

Honey, I thank you the most
because you didn't get jealous,

even though I spent more time
with the hot rod than with you.

Oh, I didn't mind that. I just didn't
like it when you got us mixed up

and tried to rotate my legs.

You get better mileage now.

All right, everybody
stand back. Hello!

Honey, it looks so beautiful.

All right, hop in.
Let's go for a ride.

Wait. We're in our pajamas here.

All right. Go get
some coats, come on.

Move, move, we're not
gonna wait forever. Come on!

What are you waiting
for? Something to explode?

No.

You don't want to
go for a ride, do you?

I want to go for a ride.

I just want to tell you
that your car looks great.

And?

And that I think you can
b*at Bob Vila tomorrow.

Really? I sure hope so.

A great philosopher said once,

"If your feet are short, and
you don't raise your prices,

you're destined for yard sales."

Anyway, my money's on you.

I mean, you got a V and
pounds of torque in this puppy.

Uh?

Randy, you're starting
to sound like me.

(deep voice) Oh, no, don't
want that. Yeah, you do.

Oh, I don't know about
that. Oh, ho, ho, yeah...

I'm getting in the shotgun seat.
Mark, you get up here with me.

Watch the paint when you step
there. Randy, here's a jacket for you.

Seatbelts, everybody. All right?

Wow!

Come on in. Put
your seatbelt on here.

Locked in, everybody? Almost.

All right, Taylor
family. Drumroll for me.

Just start the car. All right.

(engine starts)

Hi, everybody. We're on location at
the airport to talk about aerodynamics.

No, we're not. We're here so Tim
can settle a grudge with Bob Vila.

In an aerodynamical sort of way.

Welcome to Tool Time's
first annual quarter-mile drags.

Speaking of a drag, you all
know my assistant Al Borland.

Our drivers today are
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

and he will be driving
a Ford roadster.

And driving one of the
premier coupes of our time,

is one of the premier tool
men of our time, Bob Vila.

I'll wait for you
at the finish line.

I'll be there with your
second-place trophy.

I doubt that. Good luck, guys.

I don't need luck, I just
need my car to start.

Heidi, my helmet,
please. Here you go, Tim.

Thank you. You're welcome.

(engine starts)

Go, Tim! Gee, he's
really keeping up with him.

Honey, you OK? Sure.

Don't just stand
there, grab a rag.

You seem to be taking this
loss to Bob Vila pretty well.

Maybe I don't think it's a loss.

I like it when you're deluded.
You're much easier to deal with.

I'm just saying I think
I could have b*at him.

How do you mean that?

We were neck and neck. If I'd pushed it to
the redline, I could've gone right by him.

Why didn't you? Well,
honey, it's a new motor.

I didn't break it in. I didn't
want to risk blowing the thing up.

Are you saying you let him win?

I'm saying Bob
bought his hot rod.

I put three years into
this, I built this thing.

I'm not gonna risk wrecking
it over some stupid race.

I'm real proud of you.

Well, you know what they say.

"Spare the rod,
to heck with Bob."

You are getting very
mature in your old age.

Ah, you can't stay
young forever, honey.

Hey. What do you say...

We pop ourselves into the rumble
seat and make out like we used to?

Cool.

Let's see here.

All right.

Wait a minute. I
gotta spit out my gum.

You are getting very
mature in your old age.

Ah, you can't stay young
forever, honey. That's true.

Hey, what do you say
we hop ourselves into the...