03x16 - The Colonel

[bunniefuu]

It's also about
male improvement.

So, continuing our
male improvement series,

Al and I are gonna talk
about men and their shoes.

That's right. We'll be delving
into shoe repair and shoe shining.

Not to mention shoe trees.

And shoehorns.

(♪ horn)

Anyway, here's a pair
of wing tips over here

that have certainly
seen better days.

Now, when you have
a shoe this damaged,

you wanna take it down to the
original leather using rubbing alcohol.

Then for the rough spots,
use a little leather dye.

Polish her up, you got
a shoe as good as new.

Remember, when you're using
shoe polish, use a little bit of water.

It'll make that shine really
spectacular. That's right.

Then you wanna buff
it with a cloth diaper.

Make sure you remove
the baby first, though.

This will give your
shoe a sheen for sure.

You don't shay.

All right, now, Tim,

what were to happen if we
have a brand-new pair of shoes

and the leather is hard
and uncomfortable?

Ooh, that could be a big problem

if you had feet like Al's mom.

Well, for shoes like this,

my mother always used
Binford's leather softener.

But that turns your
new hard shoes

into the old soft shoe. Klaus?

(♪ "The Old Soft Shoe")

(hand smacks)

(gong sounds)

(boing)

(nut cracks)

(whistle slide)

Ah.

Thanks, but enough
of that foolishness.

Let's get on with the next
part of the shoe repair.

Tim, do you call
that a soft shoe?

It was a joke, Al.
Anyway... Klaus?

(♪ piano)

Oh, Don?

(♪ "The Old Soft Shoe")

What do you think? Should
we put the kids in the middle?

All right, Randy, I'm
ready to teach you

the most important
skill in hockey.

Fighting. No, goaltending.

Are you sure this is gonna help?

Positive. It can't hurt.

Last week you gave up goals.

.

No, is what you
got on your math test.

Give it a rest, guys, OK?

Now, this is the Tim Taylor
authorized puck chucker.

Move out of the way,
please. Put your mask down.

Remember what I taught you.

This thing sh**t
at incredible speed.

Whoa.

That thing is incredible.

Good thing he's wearing padding.

(fake laugh) I gotta get
the instruction book out.

Once I get the instructions,

we'll see how many pucks this
hockey-puck chucker can chuck.

If the puck chucker
could chuck pucks.

Shouldn't your dad be here?

You know the colonel.

If he says he'll be
here at hours,

he means hours sharp.

hours. What
time is that again?

: . I've been trying to teach
you m*llitary time for years.

Now, listen to this.

You subtract if it's a
double-digit number greater than .

If it's a single-digit
number, it's the actual time.

If it's a double-digit number
that's less than or equal to ,

that's also the actual time.

Have you got that? Yeah.

Hmm.

I wish your mom was coming.
At least she speaks civilian.

Me too. She said she
needed a break from Dad.

She wants to have one week

where she doesn't have to get
up before dawn and raise the flag.

(doorbell rings) Oh,
he's here, he's here!

(doorbell rings) All right!

Hey, Dad. Daddy!

Hello, sweetheart!

How's my little girl?

Great. I'm so happy to see you.

Do you still live here?

Colonel, good to see you. I
see the Lincoln's running well.

Oh, got me up here
all the way from Texas.

I tell you, ' was
a vintage year.

You should've bought
one the day they came out.

I would've, sir, but I was six.

That's no excuse.

Hey, we're getting Tool
Time on the satellite.

That's what Nana told us.

I don't watch it, but we get it.

Just kidding. You
know I love Tool Time.

Would you like a drink?
Water, straight from the tap.

None of that
hippy bottled stuff.

Say, did you get the tickets
to the g*ns and knives show?

g*ns and knives?

I thought you wanted
to see g*ns 'N Roses.

What?

It's a joke. It's a joke.

Ah, you're a great kidder. Let
me put you up in Mark's room.

There are the kids.
(Mark) Grandpa!

There's my troops! Attention!

At ease.

Ah, hair's getting
a little long.

Maybe later we'll
all go for crew cuts.

Yeah, right.

What did you say?
Um, nothing, sir.

(laughs)

Grandpa, what did you bring us?

Hey, hey, come on, Mark.
Where are your manners?

Hey, what's a grandfather for?

I got you guys a special treat.

Shrapnel.

Cool. Let's go show Jeremy.

Hey, watch it with that stuff.
It's sharp. You bet it's sharp.

That shrapnel was removed from
my... Forget where it was removed from.

You gave the boys shrapnel?
What did you give me?

I gave you my daughter.

Yeah, you're right, sir,

but I'm kinda tired of
playing with that gift.

You know, Tim, about
you always calling me "sir..."

Yeah?

I like it.

No, actually I do have
something for the both of you.

His-and-her bazookas.

Better.

I wrote a book about my
experiences in the m*llitary.

I got a copy for
each of you. Hefty.

Dad, you wrote a
book. This is great.

If Schwarzkopf can
do it, any bum can.

You know, I thought, you know,
since you work at the magazine,

you could read it
and if you like it,

you might pass it along to
some of your friends in publishing.

Oh, Dad, I'm so excited.
I can't wait to read it.

And I can't wait to have you
tell me what you thought of it.

Now, what time's dinner?

hours, sir.

That's pm.

We eat late.

Are you enjoying
it? A lot of facts.

Yeah, it's so detailed.
Tremendous detail.

And it's not flowery.
Oh, no flowers here.

No, just page
after page of detail.

Can't go wrong with details.

It's boring, isn't it?

It's mind-numbing.

I thought this was
gonna be more of a story,

but there's nothing in there

but tactics and
m*llitary strategy.

What are we going to tell him?

Tell him the truth. Oh,
sure. You know my dad.

He hears bad news, he
hits the roof, then he sulks,

then he doesn't wanna
talk about it anymore,

and then the whole
thing remains unresolved.

He can take it. He's a tough
guy. He gives shrapnel as gifts.

No way. I cannot ever tell him.

Why not? When I do
something you don't like,

you don't hold back
on me. (laughing)

I've held back lots of
things from you, Tim.

Back the truth trolley
up here a little bit.

What kind of things
don't you let me know?

Oh, where shall I start?

With one.

OK. You know that
green suit you bought?

That wasn't green. That
was more of a pistachio.

You said it was stunning.

What was stunning was that
you could walk into a store

and actually walk
out with that suit.

We got the machine
up and running.

You're gonna operate
it from back here.

Remember what
I told you. All right.

I'll give you the pointers now.

The most important thing
about being a goalie...

is that these things hurt!

Sorry, Dad.

A good goalie is always
prepared, all right?

Hey. Hey! Hey!

I saw where you're
aiming that thing.

All right, stand in.

Dad, I can't. We ran out
of pucks. I need to reload.

All right, reload.

Dad, when is Grandpa getting up?

Uh, let's see. He went
to bed at hours.

He wanted nine hours of sleep.

That's ...

minus .

You add that up.

Uh...

o'clock.

Remember, when Dad comes
down and asks how we liked the book,

we tell him that we loved it.

If you wanna lie to your dad, that's
your business. I don't wanna lie.

That's just how we
do things in my family.

Would it make you feel
better if I told him the truth?

Oh, honey, that is so sweet.

I should be the one
to tell him, though.

Great.

But since I can't...

Jill... Well...

Jill, listen to me.

Look, what if I
get the ball rolling

and you just jump in
when you feel comfortable?

That might work. Sure it will.

I'll tell him how I feel about it,
and then you just back me up.

But you have to
promise to be tactful.

Have I ever been
anything but tactful?

Good morning. (Tim) Morning.

Daddy, how'd you sleep?

Oh, great. But I'm starting
to grow out of Mark's bed.

Coffee? Oh, I'd love some.

So, did you read my
book? I'll get the coffee.

Yes. Yes, we did read the book.

So what did you
think of it, honey?

Would you like eggs or waffles?

Eggs.

There's a lot of
good stuff in there.

Oh, yeah, a lot.

It's a tad bit wordy.

You know, in a good way.

A writer's supposed
to use words.

What do you want - pictures?

Could've helped it a little.

What was so odd
- you have a book,

and there's no people in it.

This is a book about policy and
objectives and how to win a w*r.

You don't wanna clutter
that up with a lot of people.

Good point.

Writing a book about w*r,

you don't wanna
talk about people.

What are you trying
to tell me, Tim -

that you had mixed
feelings about my book?

I wouldn't say that.

You wouldn't
know good literature

if it bit you in the butt.

Well, honey, I... I think
I've gotten that ball rolling

about as far as it's gonna go.

Why don't you jump in

and tell your dad what
you thought of the book?

Honey? Jill?

Loved it. It's the
best book I ever read.

So, can I get you
something else?

Would you like a
slice of coffeecake?

Sure. Just use the Kn*fe
you stuck in my back.

Can't believe you sold me out.

Tim, you're overreacting.

What I know is
that I tell the truth

and I come out like the bad guy.

How can you be so selfish?

What?

This whole thing is
between me and my father,

and all you care about is
how you come off? What?

I think you could be a little more
supportive in a situation like this.

Supportive about...
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I-I appreciate you defending me,

but he's entitled
to his opinion.

Thank you. Even though
we both know he's wrong.

Let's face it, Tim,
you have no taste.

Tim has wonderful taste.

Oh, yeah? Remember
that green suit he wore

to your sister's wedding?

It wasn't green, it was
avocado, almost melon.

So, uh, when are you
going to bring my book

to your publisher?

Well, you know, Dad,

I think that, um, she's
kinda busy right now.

She's out of town, in fact.

Well, who's the number two in
command? We'll speak to him instead.

Oh, Dad, he's not
gonna want to talk to me.

He doesn't even
know I work there.

Then this could be your opportunity
to put yourself on the map.

Dad, I couldn't... use
you to further my career.

Nonsense.

Now, we'll go down there
first thing tomorrow morning

and show them my book.

I can't do that. Why not?

Because I wasn't totally
honest with you before.

Daddy, this is really
hard for me to say, but...

the book is... is just
really not very good.

Then why'd you say you loved
it? That's what you wanted to hear.

Don't tell me what I wanted
to hear. I want to hear the truth!

Well, I'm telling it to you now.

Fine! You didn't like the book.

I'm gonna get the boys.
We'll be back at hours.

What time is that?

It's : !

Why is that so difficult
for you to understand?

Every private in the army
gets it by the end of the first day!

Daddy, I'm really sorry
that I upset you, but...

I'm not upset! If I were
upset I'd be yelling!

I remember now. The salesman
said that suit was a loden heather.

(snoring)

Wilson? Huh?

(clears throat)

Hi-de-ho, neighborette.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm just trying to read
this extremely lengthy tome

that your father gave me.

Why are you doing it out
here? It's freezing cold.

Well, I tried reading inside,
but I kept falling asleep.

Tim and I tried to talk to him about
it today, but he just got real upset.

There are those people that
don't respond well to criticism.

Yeah, and some of 'em yell. Mm.

You remember that movie
Old Yeller? Mm-hmm.

When it came out, we
thought it was about Daddy.

That must have been
difficult to grow up with.

Yeah, it was.

That's why we had
this house policy

never to upset him.

I always tried to follow
that rule, but today I couldn't.

So, you're feeling
that telling him the truth

was a mistake?

I've always really
adored my father.

You know, I don't
wanna do anything

to hurt that relationship.

You mean the relationship
where you don't tell him the truth?

Yeah, that would be the one.

I don't know.

I mean, look what happened
when I told him the truth.

Maybe I should have
just kept my mouth shut.

Well, George Bernard Shaw
wouldn't have thought so.

He said we must
not stay as we are,

doing always what
was done last time,

or we shall stick in the mud.

Well, I'm stuck in something
deep here, Wilson, but it ain't mud.

So, I'm standing there in Korea

right on the th parallel,

when who taps
me on the shoulder?

General Douglas MacArthur.

Who?

Your father never told you
about General MacArthur?

No, but he told me
about General Motors.

Well, this guy was even bigger.

So we're standing there,

and what do you
think he hands me?

An apple? A grenade.

You know how to throw
one of these things, son?

You grip it in your right hand,

you pull the pin with your teeth

and you let it fly.

No throwing grenades
in the house, Mark.

How'd you know what it was?

You kidding? I grew
up with fruit amm*nit*on.

Honey, um, would
you go upstairs?

I wanna talk to Grandpa. OK.

Can I talk to you
for a minute, Dad?

About what? And
don't say the book.

I wish you wouldn't take
my criticism personally.

I said I don't wanna talk
about the book. Well, I do.

Where do you get
off criticizing me

in the first place?

What do you know
about the m*llitary?

You see, this is why I
didn't wanna tell you.

I knew you would
overreact. You always do.

That's why nobody can ever tell you
anything. What are you talking about?

When we were growing
up, we weren't allowed

to tell you anything
that might upset you.

Oh, really? Then why the
hell was I upset so much?

Dad, you didn't know half of
what was going on in that house.

I knew everything.
Oh, you did, did you?

OK, did you know that
when I was in high school

when I said I was going
on that all-girl ski weekend,

I really went to a peace march in
Washington with Tommy Burnett?

Tommy the commie?

I don't wanna know it.

You see? You wanna
be kept in the dark.

Some things are
better left unsaid.

Maybe for you, 'cause then you
could have the same order at home

that you had at the base,
but we're not your soldiers.

Damn right. My soldiers
were under control.

Then I'd come home to
your mother and you five girls,

and I never knew what
the hell was going on!

Dad...

I love you so much,

and there were a million times
that I needed to talk to you,

but I felt like I couldn't.

I always thought I was
pretty easy to talk to.

Well, you're not.

Well, we're talking now.

Yeah.

Look, honey, I'm sorry
I chewed your head off

about the book.

I'm sorry I didn't
like the book,

but I'm glad that I had
the guts to tell you the truth.

If you look at it in this light,
it's more of a lima bean, isn't it?

Hi. Hey, what are you doing?

This thing's too easy for Randy,

so I tweaked it up a little bit.

Oh... I hate when you
say that word "tweak."

It makes my hackles go up.

I love when your hackles go up.

Where's your dad?

It's degrees outside, and he's
out there futzing with the Lincoln.

Watch how hard this
thing hits the net now.

Randy's gonna be a great
goalie. Watch the top-left corner.

(glass shatters)

(colonel) My car!

It was Jill!

Fine. You didn't like the book.

I'll go pick up the boys.
We'll be back at hours.

hours!