03x14 - Dream On

[bunniefuu]

(all) Tool Time!

That's right! Binford
Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Whoo!

Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time.

I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

I think you all know my
assistant - Al... Borland.

Today on Tool Time,

Tim and I are going to be
talking about refinishing.

That's right, Al.

Just when you're finished
repairing that old table,

you think you're finished, but you're
not really finished until you refinish.

Are you finished?

No, but I have an uncle
who lives in Denmark.

Tim. Actually, his name's Lars.

We've taken the first
coat off of this table,

now we're ready to sand it down
and put our last coat of stain on there.

Before you get started, be sure to
wear protective eyewear and dust mask.

That's right.

Allergic reactions
to wood are common

when working with members
of the nut-bearing family.

Like the Borlands.

It's also a good idea to
wear protective gloves.

Al, you're starting
to act like my mother.

If that beard were any thicker,
you'd look like your mother.

Tim, I think it's a good
idea to wear the gloves.

I've been working with wood all
my life. I'm not allergic to hardwood.

That's not the point. There's
a lot of dust here and...

Well, you can develop
an allergy over time.

Symptoms can include puffiness around
the eyes, severe rash, extreme swelling.

Oh, Al, I think you may be
right. My eyes are really itchy.

What do you think? Could
we put the kids in the middle?

Al, we just had
lunch with the crew.

They loved the gag today. Klaus
almost choked on his hot dog.

They loved the way
the hands swelled up.

Not as swelled up as your head.

What's eating your shorts?

My shorts are fine, thank you.

You're gonna be a load
of laughs at dinner tonight.

Not like you've ever
been a load of laughs.

I don't think that
Ilene and I can make it.

Jill's expecting you. It's
not a good night for us.

Why not?

It's personal. I don't
wanna talk about it.

I won't tell anybody. I'm your
best friend. I'm your only friend.

It's a remark like that that
makes me not wanna tell you.

I'm kidding. I can see a big flannel
cloud hovering over your head.

Come on, Al. Tell
me what's the matter.

Well, last night, something
very disturbing happened.

Ilene... had a dream.

No.

Not a dream. While
she was sleeping?

(whistles)

Scientists may
want to study her.

You don't understand. It
was a very passionate dream.

Clothes were strewn
about. Not strewn about!

Yes, strewn.

She was talking to this man who
she said had a very deep voice.

And they were... they
were riding a golden stallion,

and he was wearing
bicycle shorts.

Get a grip, will you?

It's a dream. Don't you dream
about other women sometimes?

No! My dreams
are good, clean fun.

You're driving yourself crazy over
a silly dream with some jerk in it.

Well, it wasn't just some
jerk, Tim. It was you.

Really? Oh, I shouldn't
have told you that.

Sure you should have.

A golden stallion. Hyah! Hyah!

Tight bicycle shorts. Tim!

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah...

It's just a dream, a
very common dream.

Women all over
the tri-state area

look at me as a
symbol of virility.

All I can say is, I don't want you
showing up in her dreams again,

or there's gonna be trouble.

What, are you gonna fall asleep
and dream like you're b*ating me up?

OK, I know that
it's not your fault.

It's just that Ilene
means so much to me.

And, well...

I wanted to be the one on that
golden stallion riding into the sunset,

wearing skimpy bicycle shorts.

(whistles) There's
a pretty picture.

E-A-T. "Eat."

OK, that's three points.

And it only took you half
an hour to come up with it.

OK, Randy. It's your turn.

All right. I'll put an
"M" on top of the "E,"

and then "L-O-N."
That's "melon."

Double word score - points.

Pretty good. Watch this.

After the "N," I'll
add "O-L-O-G-Y."

That's points.

"Melonology"?

The study of melons.

There's no such
word as "melonology."

Yeah, there is. Call the fruit
section at the grocery store.

Who should I ask
for - the melonologist?

Hey. Hi, guys. Hey, Dad.

Hey, Dad. Hey, Dad.

Scrabble. That's a
great way to learn words.

Who put down "melonology"? Brad.

Me!

All right.

Hi. Hi.

I'm so proud of Brad.

Playing Scrabble, he
came up with "melonology."

That's not a word, Tim.

Melonology - the study
of guys named Mel.

Did you tell Al and Ilene to
come for dinner at seven?

Yeah. They almost didn't come.

Al's upset because apparently
Ilene had a dream about me.

What'd she eat before
she went to sleep?

Get this. She dreamed that
I was riding a golden stallion,

with a deep sexy voice
and tight bicycle shorts.

Wow! She must have
had a big bean burrito.

Really? A lot of
women watch Tool Time.

Sooner or later, they
are thinking, "I want him."

Smirk if you will, but you're not the
only woman who dreams about me.

I don't dream about you, Tim.

It's bad enough I have to
see you when I'm awake.

Hey, guys, guys!
Come take this laundry.

Take it upstairs,
fold it and put it away.

Sure, Mom. Yes, Mother.

They actually did it.

Be honest with me. When you dream
about me, what am I usually wearing?

I told you. I don't
dream about you.

Who do you dream
about? You know, the usual.

Like Mario Andretti, Al
Unser, that sort of stuff?

No. That's who you dream about.

The guy that I dream
about isn't even real.

If he's not real, it's, like, a
cartoon character, like Bullwinkle?

No, Tim. It's not Bullwinkle.

Scooby-Doo?

(laughs) Yeah, that's right. You
really know me! Me and Scooby-Doo.

I hold Scooby's hand. We
walk along the Scooby-beach.

Do a little Scooby-diving.

Come on! If it isn't Scooby-Doo
or Bullwinkle, who is it?

I'm not gonna tell you.
You'll make fun of me.

No, no. I'll make you a deal.

I'll tell you what I dream about if
you tell me what you dream about.

I don't wanna know
what you dream about.

All right, it's your
turn. (laughs)

All right. If you must know...

I dream about Tarzan.

Tarzan of the jungle?

No, Tarzan of St. Louis.

Tarzan doesn't even have a car.

We don't need a car. We
never leave the tree house.

It's just Tarzan
and me. I'm Jane.

I'm wearing this cute
leopard-skinned outfit,

and I have big,
beautiful breasts.

I dream about that, too.

What's the big
deal about Tarzan?

Well, Tarzan's very
strong but sensitive.

Takes me in his arms, pulls me
up to this big, huge, muscular chest.

I can hear his heart b*ating.
My heart beats faster.

I close my eyes, he
starts kissing my neck...

Jill... Then he
starts kissing...

Got a minute?

Sorry.

God, is it hot in here?

You told Al and Ilene seven, right?
It's ten after. They're still not here.

Ilene probably
wanted to get in a nap,

have one more dream
about me before tonight.

Stop it right there! No jokes
about Ilene's dream tonight.

The last thing in the world
I wanna talk about tonight

is me on a golden stallion,

dressed in bicycle
shorts so tight,

no woman could resist me.

This is not something
that you should joke about.

You saying I can't be
myself in my own home?

Yes, exactly. Be somebody
else. Anybody else.

(doorbell rings)

I certainly hope Ilene
can control herself.

You know how sexy
my deep voice is to her.

Then do us all a
favor and shut up.

Hi! Come on in. Hi.

It's great of you to have us
over. It's nice to have you.

I brought a very lovely tart.

Al, that's no way
to talk about Ilene.

I was talking about...

Honey, he was kidding.

You have a delightful
sense of humor. Thanks. I try.

Well, I have a delightful
sense of humor, too.

A lot of people
find me hilarious.

Of course you are. It's just
that your humor is more... subtle.

Yeah. Sometimes
Al doesn't even get it.

You guys want some
wine? I'd love some.

I could be persuaded to partake.

Would you like to sit down? Could you
take the cheese with you when you go?

Great.

I love a good cheese ball.

So, Ilene, how was work today?

Actually, I had a
pretty tough day today.

Well, you know what they
say about the dental world -

"It's like pulling teeth."

It's pulling teeth.
(forced laugh)

Actually, most
orthodontists don't pull teeth.

Well, I know that. I
was making a joke. Oh.

And a good one.

Just a lot more subtle than
one I would have picked.

Cheers!

Cheers! Cheers!

I'm trying a new recipe.
I hope you all like it.

Oh, I'm sure it'll be great. I'm
so hungry, I could eat a horse.

(Al and Tim choke)

You're in luck.

Jill cooked stallion. Tim.

Did I say "stallion"?
I meant "scallion."

Big golden scallion.

Tim, would you just...?

I'm talking about scallions.

I know what
you're talking about.

Well, it's not like I said
she's cooking bicycle shorts.

Wait a minute. Bicycle shorts?

Al, did you tell him
about my dream?

Well, no. I... Yes.

I told you that in confidence.
And I told you that in confidence.

And I told you not to
bring up Ilene's dream!

Tim told you? You told Jill?

He shouldn't have.
Al, this is your fault.

It's Tim's fault. It's
not. She had the dream.

Would you please shut up?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What are we talking about?

It's out. Now we can
laugh about it, huh?

I have never been
so embarrassed.

Tim, I... Ilene!

Guys, guys, come on. What's
the big deal? It's just a silly dream.

Jill dreams about being naked,
running around with Tarzan.

Tim!

How can I confide in
you again? I tell you

something in private
and now the world knows.

It's not like the world
knows. I'm really sorry, Jill.

I'm sorry, too. I...

Ilene, come on. What?

(grunts)

You gotta like guests like that

that don't overstay
their welcome.

(Ilene) I thought
you and I were...

tell Tim about me. Get
away from that window!

They're really
going at it out there.

Tim, I hope you're happy now.

Do you ever stop and think
before you make stupid jokes?

I couldn't help it.
She said "horse."

The only thing you
could come up with is,

"At least she's not
cooking bicycle shorts"?

You are supposed
to be Al's friend.

I am Al's friend.

He was really upset about this,

and I was trying to
help him get over it.

By embarrassing him. No,
no, no, no, by making him laugh.

I thought if he laughed, he'd
realize this is just a silly dream.

How do you think Al's feeling now?
How do you think Ilene is feeling?

You told them about
my Tarzan dream!

Well, how do you
think I'm feeling?

What do you have
to feel bad about?

I don't know. Give me a minute.

Jill, it's gonna be OK.

They're a couple,
they had a little tiff.

They'll get over it. Every
relationship goes through stuff like this.

In the long run, Al's
gonna thank me for this.

Well, thank you,
Tim. There you go.

Ilene broke up with me, she took my
car and never wants to see me again.

Al, she's coming back.
How would you know?

Well, if she doesn't,
it's grand theft auto.

Practicing for
the ballet, Wilson?

No, Tim. I'm just reacquainting
myself with t'ai chi,

an ancient form of
Chinese exercise.

It balances the
female and the male,

the yin and the yang.

From over here, the yin
thinks the yang is a "yidiot."

(chuckles)

Troubles, neighbor Tim?

I don't know... Troubles.

Al's girlfriend Ilene
had a dream about me,

so I made a joke about it, and
she got upset and broke up with Al.

Jill thinks it's all my fault.

Tim, humor can be
a wonderful thing.

The Koran says, "He deserves paradise
who makes his companions laugh."

Yeah... Those Koreans
know what's funny.

On the other hand, Tim,

Cervantes, the
th-century novelist, said...

"A jest that gives
pain is no jest."

In this case, you might
have caused a little bit of pain.

I certainly didn't mean to.

Jokes are what I'm all about.
That's why people like me.

Well, maybe
sometimes you go too far.

I just didn't take the
dream that seriously.

Some people do. You know, dreams
can have a deep and profound meaning.

You know what the
psychoanalyst Carl Jung said?

Yin, yang, Jung? Where
does it end, Wilson?

Jung said dreams were merely
symbols of something else.

Plus, he recognized the significance
of names and letters in dreams.

In particular, first initials.

Hmm. First initials, huh?

Jill dreams about Tarzan and
Jane. That's a "T" and a "J."

She's Jane, that's Jill. Mm-hmm.

"T" could be Tim. Tim and
Jill. We're Tarzan and Jane?

Very good, Tarzan.
Jung would be impressed.

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.

Hi, Heidi. Hi, Tim.

Al, I called to see if you
needed a ride, but you were gone.

Heidi gave me a ride.

So Ilene still has your car?

Yes.

Buddy, on the bright side,

without a car, you get some
exercise. Ride your bike to work.

I'll loan you my bicycle shorts.

Sorry, Tim, I'm not
my usual jocular self.

Well, the other night,

I certainly didn't mean
to upset you or Ilene.

I sh**t my mouth off,

and you're just a big,
bearded bull's-eye.

Was that supposed
to be an apology?

Yeah.

You see? Even in your
apologies, you have to insult me.

I'm kidding. You want
to rehearse for the show?

You never want to rehearse.

I thought it'd make
you feel better.

It's not gonna
make me feel better.

Al, I only make fun of people
and joke around with people I like.

You must like me an awful lot.

I think of you like
one of my brothers.

You do? Yeah. I joked
with them all the time.

That's why most of them
won't speak to me to this day.

So what you're saying is that

when you make fun of my weight
and my beard, it's because you like me?

Yeah.

How about when you tease
me about wearing flannel?

I do that because
you look ridiculous.

Well, I never
told you this, Tim,

but I think of you
as a brother, too.

Ilene. Of course you
lean. You're lopsided.

Down there.

I just stopped by
to give you your car.

I got to go back to work.

Ilene, I am so sorry that I
told Tim about that dream.

It's just that I was so upset.

I didn't feel like I was
man enough for you.

You really felt that way?

Yes.

Oh, Al, you are the
manliest man I've ever met.

Well, then why were
you dreaming about Tim?

Oh, could I take a
cr*ck at that one?

There's this Korean
philosopher, Yin Yang Jung,

and he talks about dreams,
and dreams are a lot about initials.

She's dreaming about
Tim Taylor, it's "TT."

It could have been "tub of
tomatoes," "Tony the Tiger..."

Oh, "Tater Tot." Tater
Tot, that's it. Tater Tot.

You put a flannel shirt on
a Tater Tot, you got you.

Thanks, Tim. Mm-hmm.

You've been a big help.

I'm good with dreams.

Oh, Al, it was
just a silly dream.

When I'm awake, all
I dream about is you.

Well, all I dream about is you.

Really? Yes.

You know, I'm thinking
"TT" could be "Tool Time."

It could be... ooh-how!

Ta-ta!

Tim!

Wow!

Roses, champagne.

Oh! You even put the
little butter knives on.

Tim?

Where are you?

Tim?

Tim?

(Tarzan yell)

It's degrees out there.

You Jane, me frozen.

Somebody get Macy's on
the phone. Hey, hey, hey!

He looks like a blowfish!

This little piggy
went to market.

This little piggy went home.

Shouldn't have had
that last burrito, huh?