03x12 - Twas the Blight Before Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to Tool Time. I'm
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

and you all know my assistant - Al "Thinks
He's Getting A Christmas Bonus" Borland.

Well, as you all can see,
it's yule time on Tool Time.

Before we get into our project today,
we have a special feature for you.

That's right, Tim.
Binford stocking stuffers.

There's nothing that says
"Peace on Earth" better

than a Binford power tool.

(grunts) Yeah.

Doesn't Al just jingle
your bell sometimes?

Heidi, the stocking
stuffers, please.

(♪ "Deck the Halls")

Here you go, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.

Now, stocking stuffers
usually... (music continues)

generally have... Klaus!
Whoo-hoo! (music stops)

Thank you.

Stocking stuffers sometimes
are difficult to pick out for men.

But Binford has made it easy
this year with stuff like this.

The new Binford mini
propane torch. Huh?

Stand back. Stand back.

It's small, but portable
enough you can fit it in a pocket.

Whoa! Wouldn't put
it in there, though.

You can remove
facial hair with it.

You can do a little soldering
on the house, melt glass tubing,

or if your wife's out,
melt her earrings down

and make handy
fishing lures out of them.

Also, we have the Binford
digital torque wrench.

It'll be the torque of the town
this Christmas. Ho-ho-ho.

That's right. They'll
also be torquing about...

the new Binford
fiberoptic flexible flashlight.

As odd as it seems, this is
actually a great gift for guys.

This thing can find auto parts
strewn around the garage,

look in dirty pipes or any
dark, dusty area you have.

In one ear, out the other.

Just like your job, Al.

In one day, out the other.

Now, finally, for the
man without a vice,

a vise. (whistles)

The Binford Bench Buddy .

It's got a swiveling
base, serrated steel jaws

and a clamping capacity of
seven and one-half inches.

(to "Jingle Bells") ♪
Ho-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho...

Actually, Tim, the...

♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho

♪ Ho-ho-ho,
ho-ho-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho...

The bench vise is too
big to be a stocking stuffer.

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho,
are you ever right.

If you want to stuff
that into a stocking,

you need a special
stocking, like this one.

Like one of Al's mom's
thermal hunting socks.

Don't let her in here.

(thundering footsteps)

It's your mom, Al.

What do you think? Could
we put the kids in the middle?

(Jill) You are gonna be the cutest
little choirboy in the whole service.

You don't think I look geeky?

No. You look Christmassy.

If this were Veterans
Day, you'd look geeky.

Jill, you won't believe what
Doc Johnson's doing. Hi.

Oh, hi, Mark. Nice robe.

What's the "N" mean? "Naked
under this robe and no one can tell."

Hey, show a little respect.
You're talking to the "N" in "Noel."

I still think I look geeky.

You look very handsome.

Now, let's get this thing off

before your brothers
come home and see you.

Here. There we go.

Jill, What would
you say if I told you

that Doc Johnson has
dancing elves up on his roof?

I'd say he'd better get
those elf traps out right away.

I'm talking about the
neighborhood decorating contest.

I hate to say it, but
I think I might lose.

You've lost nine years in a row.
I'd think you'd be used to it by now.

This year, I had a really good
feeling about winning. It's odd.

Every decoration I put up,
Doc Johnson's put up before me.

Ah, it's just a
coincidence. Coincidence?

I went to put a plastic Santa
up there today... (laughs)

and guess what old Doc
Johnson's got up on his roof.

Chimney?

A plastic Santa.

Gosh, I wonder what
made him think of using

a Santa Claus as a
decoration at Christmas.

(groans)

I'll tell you what else
he's got up there.

My seven swans a-swimming
and my six geese a-laying.

♪ And a tool man in a nut tree ♪

Hey, Brad. Guys, guess what.

Tom Wheeler's family invited
me to go skiing at Boyd Mountain.

All right! Boyd Mountain!
I love it up there.

Tobogganing, skiing,
fractures, sprains, broken bones,

laying at the bottom of the hill
in a stretcher... Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

When are you going?

That's kinda what I
need to talk to you about.

Well, it better not
be this weekend.

We're running a
Tool Time marathon.

straight hours of
Tim and Al high jinks.

It's also Christmas.
It's also Christmas.

Well, it is this weekend.

Brad!

But, Mom, it's perfect.

I don't have school, and I can take your
presents with me and open them there.

Do you feel the love
in this room? Do you?

Brad, the family is always
together at Christmas.

We open our stockings together,
we talk to the relatives on the phone...

You have your new saxophone. You
could play along while we sing carols.

And I'm gonna make

Nana's special
oyster pecan stuffing.

Ugh!

Do you suppose there's room
for one more skier in that car?

Mark is singing in
the choir. Come on.

The Wheelers will ask you
to go skiing some other time.

But, Mom, I don't
wanna go another time.

It's gonna be great
skiing conditions.

A lot of kids from school
are gonna be there.

Honey, I can tell this
is important to you,

but this family is always
together at Christmas.

Even when your father fell down
the chimney, we were together.

We were in the emergency
room, but we were together.

So you're saying I
can't go? No way.

Dad!

No, no, no, no.

Come on, it's Christmas. A
special time. Your mom's right.

It's not gonna be a
special time for me.

So much for a merry Christmas.

(Tim) ♪ Jingle
bells, shotgun shells

♪ Granny's on the run

♪ Oh, what fun...

Hi-dee-ho-ho-ho-ho,
good neighbor.

And a merry Christmas
to you, too, Wilson.

Well, Tim, I see the holidays
find you among friends.

Yeah. This is for
the roof display.

These are the
three wise tool guys.

Oh. They come from so far,
yet seem strangely familiar.

Yes, don't they? Mm-hmm.

Halloween's over. You can
put away the witch's broom.

Tim, this is not a witch's
broom. This is a julenek.

A what-a-nek? A julenek.

It's a Scandinavian
Christmas tradition.

Families bind sheaves of
grain to a long spruce pole,

and that provides nourishment
for the sparrows in the winter.

I wish I could bind up Doc
Johnson and twist his little julenek.

Tim, that's hardly
the Christmas spirit.

I know. I really thought I could b*at
him this year at the Christmas display,

but he's always seems to
be one step ahead of me.

You know, so I see. He just put
three wise men up on his roof, too.

What?

Where? Over there.

How does that guy keep
b*ating me to the punch?

Well, maybe the
good doctor's got ESP.

Now, what does having a cable
sports channel have to do with this?

No, I'm talking about
extrasensory perception.

The ability to read
someone else's mind.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Maybe he should
try reading this.

(♪ saxophone played badly)

Lemme guess. Brad's
practicing on the saxophone,

or there's an elephant
giving birth upstairs.

Saxophone.

Brad's so depressed about
not going on the skiing trip,

he's trying to play the blues.

I should be playing
the blues. Hey, Randy.

I went to put the three
wise tool guys up on the roof,

and guess who's
already got 'em up.

Doc Johnson. Bingo.

I swear to God he's
got this house bugged.

Excuse me?

How else is he
getting this information?

Wait a minute.
You might be right.

What's up, Doc?

No, not tonight.
You-know-who's gonna be here.

Do you actually think
that's funny? Yes.

Honey, he's stealing
all my lighting ideas.

Tim, you really think Doc Johnson
has nothing better to do than spy on you?

He's a retired proctologist. Spying on us
is a lot more fun than what he used to do.

What is that?

It's Rudolf's nose.

I don't even wanna
see the rest of him.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Dad. What is it?

I think I know where Doc Johnson's
been getting his information.

Me too. I think it's your
mom. She's a double agent.

No.

He's been getting his
information from me.

Wait a minute. Say that again.

Well, you see, I was talking to Doc
Johnson's granddaughter, Lauren,

and I kind of
mentioned a few things.

I can't believe you'd do that.

You know there's no secret more important
than a family's lighting strategy.

She's really cute.

She kept pumping
me for information.

No matter how hard I
tried to resist, I couldn't.

Mmm.

Been there.

She smile at you like this?

If she'd smiled at me like
that, I would've thrown up.

(♪ grunts "Jingle Bells")

Hey, boys! Come on,
we're gonna be late.

Brad, you're not
dressed for church!

I know. I'm not going.

If he's not going,
I'm not going.

And if they're not, I'm not.

Hey. You are all going. You two,
you go out and wait in the car, all right?

Brad, what do you
mean you're not going?

Well, if I can't go skiing, I don't
see why I have to go to church.

Because God said, "Come and
worship," not, "Go and slalom."

Honey, you can't stay home.
Mark's gonna sing tonight.

So?

So get up and get dressed for
church. Be down in five minutes.

Because Mom wants the whole
stupid family to be together?

If that's your
attitude, stay home.

No. Don't let him off that easy.

If he's gonna be obnoxious, I'd just as
soon he didn't ruin Christmas Eve for us.

You've already ruined it
for me. Well, I am so sorry.

Stay in your room.

No sneaking downstairs to
watch that Tool Time marathon.

(♪ organist plays
"The First Noel")

Oh, the Taylors! Merry
Christmas. Merry Christmas.

You look wonderful.
Merry Christmas.

Thank you, Tim. Same to you.

Tim, I've never seen you at
church without your earplug.

No football game on tonight?

That was one Sunday,
all right, Reverend.

I-I-I pray during halftime.

Yeah, I remember that prayer.

"O heavenly Father,
please let the Lions kick butt."

Mark, maybe you should
change into your robe.

Do I have to? I
look like a geek.

Oh, honey, you look
great. For a geek.

(Tim) Randy.

(Jill) No, no, no, no, no.

Reverend, the lights
look a little dim on the tree.

I could boost the power, get
some lights for the service.

No. No, thank you, Tim.

I don't think
tonight is the night

to test our new
sprinkler system.

Where's Brad this
evening? Oh, boy...

He's not feeling well.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, maybe we'll see all the
Taylors together next Christmas.

"Not feeling well"?

You lied in church
on Christmas Eve?

Watch out for lightning bolts.
God doesn't like that stuff.

At least I'm not
begging the Almighty

for two touchdowns
and a field goal.

Merry Christmas. Hi, Al.

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

Here, scooch over. Don't
crowd. I'll take a pew behind you.

Most people use
the bathroom, Al.

Where's Ilene?

She had an orthodontic emergency

at the junior-high
Christmas play.

Joseph and Mary got
their braces stuck together.

I hope she gets here
in time to see Mark.

I just saw him down the
hall in his... his little robe.

Boy, you know, I always
wanted to be the letter "N."

That's impossible, Al. The
song specifically says "no Al."

♪ No Al, no Al

♪ No Al, no... Shh.

♪ Al ♪

Well, where's Bradley?

He's spending Christmas
Eve alone in his room sulking.

It's his way of rebelling.

Oh, yeah, well...

I remember my first
Christmas rebellion.

I was so mad.

My parents went out and
bought an artificial tree.

The whole Christmas I
refused to sing "O Tannenbaum."

Oh, my.

You were a bad, bad Borland.

You all right? Yeah, I'm OK.

It was a long time ago.

I mean, are you OK?

No. Mark's singing.
It's Christmas.

I want the whole
family to be together.

Why'd you make Brad stay home?

I'd have loved to drag
him here against his will.

That's a great
vision for Christmas -

the four of us singing hymns,
you with Brad in a headlock.

It just doesn't seem like Christmas
without us all being together.

Excuse me. Where are you going?

Off to the little boys'
room to take a pew.

Jeez, Dad, what
are you doing here?

I came home to get you. My question
is, what are you doing with the skis?

Uh, I... I was gonna
donate 'em to the needy.

Yeah. Yeah, that's just what they need
down there at the mission. Food and skis.

Look, Dad, I explained
it all in the note.

Well, it better be a good one.

"Went skiing. Brad."

Your mom and I specifically
said you don't go skiing,

and you were gonna disobey us.

I wasn't disobeying you.

You said I couldn't go with
the Wheelers, and I'm not.

Well, how are you gonna
get there? Hitchhike.

Hitchhike? Sit down over here.

All I wanted to do
was be with my friends.

A lot of people I like
are gonna be down there.

Christmas is not about
being with people you like!

It's about being
with your family.

Dad, it's just one Christmas.
It's not that big a deal.

Well, it is to your mom
and to me and to me.

I can't believe
you'd be this selfish.

Listen to me. Um...

In a couple years, you'll be .

You'll be off to college...
or a good trade school.

And we won't see you.

But, Dad, I'll come home.

You'll come a couple
Christmases. But then

you'll get married,
and I'll never see you.

Your mom's family lives in Texas, mine's in
Colorado. We never see them for holidays.

You don't know how many Christmases we
have together. I won't be around forever.

What do you mean?

Face the facts.

You've seen the stunts
I pull on Tool Time.

I can't keep dodging the b*llet.

I gotta get back to church
and see your brother sing.

You can sit here and think about what
a merry Christmas you've made this.

Well, I checked in every
stall in the bathroom -

men's and women's.

Boy, was Mrs. Lindsay surprised.

I wonder where he is.

Maybe he decided to go home
and set up his Christmas lights.

You really think he'd rather set
up the lights than hear Mark sing?

What was I thinking?

Who's Leon?

Maybe Leon was born
in the manger next door.

(pitch pipe blows)

♪ The first Noel

♪ The angels did say

♪ Was to certain poor shepherds

♪ In fields as they lay

♪ In fields where they...

Where've you been?
I-I went home and I...

I was hoping to have a little
surprise for you, and, um...

Hi, Mom. Brad!

Scooch over.

Oh, honey. I'm so glad you came.

If you're so glad, how
come you're crying?

I get a little emotional
around the holidays.

I see I'm not the only one.

Oh, no. This isn't emotion.

It's Al. He's not
wearing any deodorant.

I don't think so, Tim.

♪ Noel, Noel

♪ Noel, Noel

♪ Born is the king

♪ Of Israel

♪ Noel, Noel

♪ Noel, Noel

♪ Born is the king

♪ Of Israel ♪

Hey, guys, come on. Hurry
up. The contest's about to start.

Gee! I don't know, Tim.
There's an awful lot of lights here.

We'll have to take out a
mortgage to pay the electric bill.

All right, Dad. Let her rip.

No, wait a minute. I think
we should say a prayer first.

Please, Lord, don't
let our house blow up.

Amen. Amen.

Wait, get back. All right, guys.

Cross your fingers. Ready?

(all gasp)

(Tim laughs)

(Jill) Looks wonderful.
(Randy) Awesome.

(Brad) Cool. (Mark) Wow.

(Wilson) Oh, oh, oh, Tim,
that is a lovely use of neon.

Reminds me of the
Christmas I spent in Las Vegas.

(Tim) You really
like it, Wilson?

You've reached the apex of
your Christmas decorating career.

I hope I can convince
those stupid judges of that.

There's only one
judge. Just one?

Mm-hmm. And it's me.

Did I say stupid? I
meant stupendous.

(laughs)

If you're the judge, we've kinda
got a leg up on the competition.

Well, I don't know. Doc
Johnson's display is very effective.

Plus, I used to be a
patient of his. Huh?

Brad, you put Blitzen's
light in Rudolf's nose.

Tim, does one bulb
make that big a difference?

Yes. I'm a perfectionist. Wilson, hold
off the judging till I get this finished.

Mm-hmm.

Be careful up
there. It's slippery.

Don't worry, honey.

Yeah, I've heard that before.

Oh.

Hey, Dad, be careful
if the light bulb is wet.

It'll be fine.

(electricity arcing)

Well, good golly, Taylors,
I think you won the contest.

I did not realize there was a
full-size electric Tim on the roof.

(Brad) Hey, Dad,
we're coming up! Hurry!

Happy holidays!

Happy holidays!

(♪ all grunt "Jingle Bells")