03x10 - A Frozen Moment

[bunniefuu]

Well, we continue
our week-long salute...

(toilet flushes)

to bathrooms.

We've already finished our basic
plumbing installation process.

Now we move on
to a thing called style.

Women call this
"accessorizing the bathroom."

We gotta talk about some of this
stuff. Like, what are these things?

This is a flower decal to
prevent slipping in your tub.

I have these at home.

Why doesn't that surprise me?

Now, men, what do you wanna
do? Stand on a decal like this,

or the new M
Battle t*nk series?

Or you could use what I
use at home - the Al decal.

So you step all over me like you
do here? I like taking my work home.

Toilet seat and seat
covers. Seat covers?

Men don't need a seat cover. We
don't even need a squishy seat like this.

Toilet seats were just
invented so women won't fall in.

(woman screams) (splash)

Now, here's a toilet seat, huh?

What is in this? Barbed wire.

And these - a woman's
idea of soap by the bath.

(lisps) Little roses and
little hearts and pigs.

How do you lather up with a pig?

Goodness knows you've tried.

What men need... Big
bruiser soap like this.

Football soap. Football
soap on a rope, Al.

Perfect for the underarms,

the ears... (soap squeaks)

Al, get naked, go long.

You were gonna do that
for a minute, weren't you?

Well, what do you think? Should
we put the kids in the middle?

Whoa, Mom, why did
we get such a big turkey?

I thought Grandma and Grandpa
aren't coming over for Thanksgiving.

Well, who can blame them after
the food fight you started last year?

Hey. Nana got in a couple
of nice sh*ts, all right?

The reason we have
such a big turkey

is because Al and
Ilene are coming.

Al's bringing a girl?

Yeah, she's that dentist
who makes all the teeth jokes.

She's an orthodontist.

And the way your teeth are
coming in, you'd better be nice to her.

OK, guys, will you go back out

and get the rest
of the groceries?

Honey, great news.

The lumber showed
up and I'm ready to roll.

Lumber? What's
that for? Uh... (laughs)

I went by the
lumberyard. I had a vision.

Yeah, you have a vision every
time you go by the lumber yard.

That's why when I'm in the
car we never go that way.

Remember, you said this year

you didn't wanna take the same
old boring Christmas card photo.

Yeah. Now, what are you building?
And don't even think about it.

This'll be great.
I got this vision

that'll capture the real
spirit of the Taylor family,

just like we really are.

Oh, Tim, these pictures
are going out to my family.

I don't want them to
know who we really are.

You're not sharing my vision.

That is what makes
our marriage work.

Could you just
listen to me, please?

I'm thinking of
something simple.

You know, decorating
the tree, hanging the tinsel,

stringing popcorn,
that kind of stuff.

I was thinking the
exact same thing. Oh.

Except we'd be wearing
costumes at the North Pole.

And the "exact same
thing" part would be what?

Wait. Hey, guys, guys,
guys, come here. Come here.

Which would you rather do for
this year's Christmas card photo?

String popcorn, hang
tinsel, get around the tree,

or dress up in
real cool costumes

and join me in Tim
Taylor's Christmas Village?

They both sound stupid. I agree.

Me too.

They'll come around.
Honey, come on.

We can start a new tradition.
Think of the possibilities.

This year, the Christmas
Village. Next year -

Manger on the Moon.
You'd be in a spacesuit.

I don't wanna be on the moon.

Besides, everybody knows
a spacesuit adds lbs.

Oh, honey.

Look, whatever happens,

if you don't like
it I guarantee you

we'll change it
and do it your way.

You promise you
won't get carried away?

Yes.

OK.

(doorbell)

It'll be perfect, and don't
worry about anything.

It'll be tasteful and simple.

Hey. Ooh.

I got a reindeer
here for a Tim Taylor.

Does everybody know
what time it is? Tool Time!

That's right. Binford
Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo!

Thank you, Heidi.

And welcome to
Tool Time's salute...

(toilet flushes)

to bathrooms.

Hi, I'm Tim "The
Tool Man" Taylor.

You all know my assistant Al

"It's My Potty, I'll Cry
If I Want To" Borland.

You can't resist the bathroom
humor, can you, Tim?

Not during our
salute... (toilet flushes)

to bathrooms.

You remember last
time I was telling you

how bathrooms have
become a woman's domain.

Well, not anymore,
since the crew and I

designed and built the
bathroom for men only.

Guys, bring out my bathroom.

(♪ "Also Sprach Zarathustra")

The man's bathroom. %,
you guessed it, stainless steel.

That's right. A man's
can. A John's john.

This will be on every man's
Christmas list this year.

We're gonna take you through a
typical male day in the bathroom.

Al, what's the first thing
you do when you get up?

I say to myself, "Oh,
boy, another wonderful day

of working side
by side with Tim."

What's the second
thing you do, Al?

I consider calling in sick.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Why don't we go through
my typical day then?

I get up, I scratch, I
get in the bathroom.

First I wanna get rid of
that horrible morning breath.

You got everything here
you need. You got your soap.

You got a little bit
of your mouthwash.

No, that's the soap.
That's the mouthwash.

To get that deep-down,
manly dirt off,

you gotta jump in
your multihead shower.

(satisfied moans)

Hop out, stand over
your built-in floor drain.

Gotta get dry real quick.

(dryer buzzes)

I'm dry. Well, ready to
shave. I can't shave in the dark.

I'll need my trusty...

headlights!

Also useful in case a deer
wanders into your bathroom.

For those pesky nose
hairs, you flip on your brights.

All right, all right.

Well... the bathroom
has everything,

including the brand-new
La-Z-Bowl reclining toilet.

It's plush when you flush.

And jukebox, phone and a rack

for your hot rod magazines
within easy reach.

If there were a
refrigerator in here,

you'd never have to leave.

Did you say "if"?

Brewski? You bet, buddy.

Between the beer
and the bathroom,

we call this a male
recycling center

Guys are going, "Jeez, Tim, you
spend so much time in the bathroom,

you won't know what's
going on in the big game."

Got it covered.

Go, go, go, go!

(both) Touchdown!

Man, once my friends see
this Christmas card, I'm dead.

There's no way I'm wearing
these ears. Me neither.

What?

Dad can't make us do this.

Yeah. I mean, you can't
make your kid be an elf.

There's gotta be a law.

Hey, Dad, we have
something to talk to you about.

Hey.

Welcome to Santa's
Christmas Village.

Dad, we don't wanna
be elves. What?

Yeah. We thought you
said we could all be Elvis.

(Jill) I can't believe this is
the outfit you chose for me.

Mrs. Claus would never
wear anything this skimpy.

Sure she would, if
Santa were out of town

and Mr. Mountie was stopping by.

I thought you said you
were gonna keep this simple.

It is simple. Guys, get
into position, please.

Dad, we don't wanna do this.
Oh, pipe down. Just one sh*t.

Tim, look, you know,
Thanksgiving's tomorrow.

I got pies in the oven, a
million things I gotta do.

Relax, all of you. Let me make a few tweaks
on my little snow-making machine here.

Why do we have to have
snow? Well, if there's no snow,

people won't believe that
we're really in the North Pole.

You are so deluded.

All right. You're all there?
OK. (Randy) Come on, Dad.

All right. Quiet! Big smiles.

Get the ears on.
Smiles. Timer's on.

Start the snow. All right.

Hey, Dad, there's no snow.

(Tim) I'll just get
a new window in it.

Where are you gonna get a pane of
glass the night before Thanksgiving?

There's plenty of -hour glass
places open on the holidays.

Yeah, right.

What's that smell? (gasps)
Oh, gosh. It's my pies.

Oh, no!

Oh, Tim!

You promised me this was
gonna be simple. Now look -

I have burnt pies, a broken window
and a snow blower in my family room!

You're not gonna let this
dampen your spirits, are you?

I am way past damp.

Well, I'll just make a little
adjustment. We'll be back in business.

No. Forget it. You
had your chance,

you blew it - big
surprise - and now...

it's my turn.

Honey, honey, honey.

It'll be great. We could make
Christmas card history here.

Why can't you just ever do
anything on a small scale?

I don't think that way.

Pick a number. What?

Just pick a number. Seven.

See? I would've picked , .

Why? Because I think big.

Can you burn the turkey
so it matches those pies?

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

What is that I smell?

Burnt pumpkin pie with
a touch of cinnamon...

maybe a tad too much nutmeg?

That is amazing. You can
smell that from over there?

Oh, yes, indeedy, Tim. I inherited
my father's olfactory sense.

Your dad has an old factory?

No, Tim. I was referring
to my sense of smell.

What does that have to do with
your dad's old factory? Let it go, Tim.

Do you have any use for a
slightly used Santa village?

Uh-oh. Trouble in
Santa's workshop?

Mrs. Claus doesn't understand I'm
trying to do something groundbreaking.

Mm-hmm. Well, I see you've
already done some window-breaking.

Wilson, I break a lot of things
around here because I think big.

I get these visions, I have
to carry them out. OK?

Oh, so you think of
yourself as a visionary,

like Socrates or Marco Polo.

(grunts)

But Jill thinks I
got double vision.

Well, to paraphrase
Seneca, the Roman moralist,

there is a fine line between
genius and madness.

Do you think I've
stepped over that line?

Tim, why don't you
ask me that question

when you're not wearing
that Mountie uniform?

Oh, yeah. That
would be a good idea.

I think you're overlooking
something here. What?

The true vision is right there.

An angry wife
with two burnt pies?

No. No, Tim - a loving family.

Yeah. Right as usual, Wilson.

Hey, hey, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. (Wilson) Yo.

Pick a number. Any number?

Any number. Well,
off the top of my head,

trillion.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Oh.

I can't believe Al.

All he's done since we've
got here is watch football.

Yeah, well, Tim's idea of
the perfect Thanksgiving

would be to push a
button on the remote

and have the
turkey pop out of it.

He's gone, he's gone!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Oh.

Tim, take the helmet
off and come to dinner.

It's not over yet, honey. We
have two more minutes left.

What's the score?
Uh, to three.

Guess what. It's
over. Oh, honey!

Come on, come on.
(Tim) All right, let's eat.

Here you go.
You sit right there.

(Al) Oh, boy, the
table looks great.

Smells great. Oh, yes.

Thank you.

Everything looks delicious.
Hey, what are those?

Oh, these are the, um, mashed
rutabagas that Al brought.

Made from a very
old family recipe.

Looks like you got
'em from an old family.

I love the way you
guys tease each other.

I'm not teasing him.

Ilene is no slouch in
the humor department.

Tell them that joke you told
me on the way over. Oh, no.

Come on. We'd love to hear it.

OK. What do you call

a big white animal
that's shaped like a tooth?

What? A molar bear.

Stop. You are such
a wacky-doodle.

Uh... somebody pass
me the gravy, please.

You gotta try Ilene's
rolls. They're homemade.

Ooh, look at that turkey.

(Al) Try my rutabagas. Let me
have some mashed potatoes.

Try the rutabagas. I put
sugar in them this year.

Can I have some of this,
please? One spoonful.

All right.

I need the rutabagas. All I
need is some gravy. I didn't get...

Ah. I think before we eat,

we should all think of
something that we're thankful for.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Al, you wanna go first?

All right. Uh...

Well, I'm... I'm thankful that I
have such wonderful friends.

And I'm... I'm thankful

that I have such a
wonderful, special person

to spend Thanksgiving with.

Well, I'm thankful that I
have such a wonderful place

to come to on Thanksgiving,

and I'm thankful to Jill
for introducing me to Al.

That's sweet. That's nice. Brad?

Al, a tender,

warm and gentle man

who always puts my
needs above his own.

Oh, that's great. Brad, I
think your mom wants...

A man whose quiet confidence

and heroic vulnerability

inspire me to be
a better person.

It's my turn.

I'm thankful that Ilene's
finished with her tribute to Al.

Ow!

And I'm thankful that Brad
said that instead of me.

Ow!

I'm thankful you guys are kicking
Brad and Randy instead of me.

Well... (clears throat)

That was very touching, boys.

Can I go next? Can I go next?

I am thankful for
many things in my life.

My family, my friends...

my hot rod,

power tools that I own.

I know I get carried
away sometimes,

like my fellow
visionary Marco Polo,

who we all know
invented the sport shirt.

But, unlike Marco Polo, I have
something he does not have.

I have the best, most
understanding wife in the world,

Jill.

Well, um, OK.

I'm thankful for good friends,

for my children,

for a husband who never
ceases to amaze and surprise me,

a man who's blown out
every window in the house,

frozen his tongue to a hammer,

fallen off the roof,
through the roof,

hung upside down from the roof,

and in spite of
all these things,

or maybe even because of them,

I love him more today

than I did the
day I married him.

Would somebody hold me?

All right, I'm all
ready. Come on. OK.

You're OK with this? Oh, yeah,
yeah. It's a perfect compromise.

Your winter wonderland,
my little bit of dignity...

OK, Al, I'm all set.
Uh, camera's loaded.

Boys are in position.
Come on, look up straight.

I added more touch, added
more snow for the roof there.

How does that
look? Oh, that's...

that's an awful
lot of snow, Tim.

That's 'cause I think
big, Al It looks beautiful.

Thanks, Ilene. Al, you
wanna do the honors? No.

(Tim) Come on. I'm just kidding.

So much for the dignity.

There's still time for you to
slip into that Mrs. Claus outfit.

Later. (grunts)

Is this where you're
gonna stand? Yeah.

Get the snow in front. Make
sure the kids are looking ahead.

(Al) OK, I got it. All right,
I'm gonna count to three.

One,

two...

Do you want that door open? No.

(creaking) (Al) Three.

Let's take one more
just to make sure.

(Tim) This is the life,
huh, Al? (Al) I think so, Tim.

Nothing like a bowl
game on the bowl, huh?

You know, I'm still a
little hungry. No junk food.

Let's order in. Mexican,
Chinese, what do you want?

Oh, nothing too spicy.

Al, I think you're
forgetting where you are.

You're right. Let's
go a little crazy.

How about a pizza
with sausage and chili?

All right, buddy.

(phone dials)

Auto-dial.

Yeah, Tony's. This is
Tim over here at Tool Time.

We need a big pizza.
Chili, anchovies...

Half. Half anchovies.

We're not upstairs in the office,
though. Come down to the...

We're actually in
the bathroom. Yeah.

What? Hello? (dial tone)

We're gonna have
to go pick it up, I think.

Is that a smudge on that TV?

Yes, I believe it
is. Not anymore.

Yes!

Honey, great news.

The lumber was delivered...

I walked by the lumberyard
today and I had a vision.

You get a vision every time
you go by the lumberyard.

That's why when I in
the... when I'm in the car...

(mumbles)