03x02 - Aisle See You in My Dreams

[bunniefuu]

We did a great job
on this letter.

Yeah! Mark's gonna
fall for this big time.

Here he comes!

Hey, Mark! You got a letter
from the Detroit Pistons.

I did?

Yeah. The return address
says it's from Isiah Thomas.

See? I told you
he'd write me back.

What does it say?

"Dear Mark. Thank you for your letters.
You're my biggest fan."

Does he say anything else?

"I can't wait to meet you.

"Don't tell anybody, but I'm coming
to your house Saturday night.

P.S. If you're cooking,
I love corn on the cob."

He's coming to our house!

Yeah! This is gonna
be cool! Yeah!

I'm gonna go put this
in my scrapbook!

Way to go, Marcus! Wow.

Yes!

Oh, we are too good.

Well, what do you think? Could
we put the kids in the middle?

OK, make a wish. Come on.

Yeah!

Now, we eat.

OK, who wants sleeve,
who wants armpit?

- Sleeve.
- Pits.

OK. Tim?

I'll just take
a little chest hair.

So, Al, what did you wish for?

Oh, no. No, no. I couldn't tell
you that or it won't come true.

What are you, Al?
Seven? Eight now?

Sorry, Tim. It's just that I'm a little
superstitious about those things.

Yeah?

Well, if you don't tell us
what you wished for,

you're not getting your present.

Well, if you must know, I...

I wished for a wife.

Hey! Perfect!

That's what we got ya!

Just don't overinflate her.

Tim, knock it off. Al has a very
good chance of getting his wish.

In fact, I might have
somebody to introduce you to.

Really?

Back the lonely-heart mobile up.

Stay out of this.
You are the worst matchmaker.

I am not! Besides
this woman is perfect.

What's her name?

I don't know.

So she's a good friend?

She is the sister of the woman
I sit next to at work.

She's supposed to be very sweet. I'll
call Beth, get her number, then call you.

Then you call her, then you call me
and tell me everything she said.

No, no. Then you call me.

I'll call Eddie, he'll call
Freddie, we'll all get pedicures.

Gosh, it's seven already?

I better call the bingo hall,
tell 'em I'm running late.

This isn't your
usual bingo night.

No, I know.

When you're a regular, they do something
special for you on your birthday.

You get to sit next to the caller
and use your age as a free space.

Tonight, I'm N .

You know, it just seems
like yesterday I was I .

He really needs somebody.

Her name's Ilene
and she's an orthodontist.

Who?

The woman that Jill
found for me. Thank you

I just spoke to her
on the phone.

She has a delightful
sense of humor.

Listen to this.

How does an orthodontist
hold on to a lawyer?

She makes him a retainer.

I think I know
why she's available.

Well, I've invited her
over for Friday night.

Told her there
would be a few people.

Now I just have to
find a few people.

Would you and Jill like to come?

Can't make it. And if you were
smart, you wouldn't show up either.

Why?

Jill is the world's
worst matchmaker.

She put seven couples together.
Six are getting divorced.

Well, maybe we would be
like the seventh couple.

The seventh couple couldn't get married.
Turned out they were cousins.

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- It's "Tool Time"!

That's right! Binford Tools is proud
to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

Thank you.

Thank you all, and welcome
once again to Tool Time.

I'm your host,
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

and you all know my assistant,
Al "Catch of the Day" Borland.

It's Male Hobby Week
all this week on Tool Time.

And today, Al and I are doing
our Tool Time salute...

to fishing.

Hobbies are important to men because
they allow us to wind down a bit.

I can't speak for everybody, but
I work awful hard all week long.

You have another job
somewhere, Tim?

Gosh, darn it. That was funny, Al.
It really was.

Who's writing your material?
An orthodontist?

Bite on that one, big worm.

Look. We're talking about
fly-fishing today.

To get a good information base,
we've invited a special guest.

I want a warm Tool Time welcome
for ace angler Chuck Norwood.

- Welcome, Chuck.
- Thanks, Tim. Al.

You brought a nice
selection of rods here.

I'd love to see a worm try to wiggle
off one of those big bad boys.

Actually, Tim, with fly-fishing,
there's no live bait involved.

The fish are drawn to the fly.

Under the heading of flies,
you've got two basic types.

The opened and closed, Chuck.

Chuck meant the dry fly
and the wet fly.

This is a joke, Al. The dry fly floats on
top of the water, whereas your wet fly...

Has kept you out of every major
restaurant in the Detroit area.

How about a little
demonstration?

Yeah. This first one is a real classic.
It's handmade bamboo.

- Look at this.
- That's a good-looking rod.

The prices for that
start at about...

$ .

Now it's $ .
You got two of 'em.

We have an insurance policy
for these little accidents.

Actually, our insurance
cancelled after the fourth show.

Well, glue it.
What do we got now?

This next one's
my personal favorite.

This is a Morgan BXL graphite.

Not even you can
break that, Tim.

Don't bet on it.

That's a beauty.
Look at that thing.

I bet you'd get a big old
stinky bass on this thing.

Hey, Al. Open up.

You want to be careful using a
graphite rod in a lightning storm

because it is an excellent
conductor of electricity.

We've been known to have a lot of
electrical storms in the studio.

I'm just saying that if they happen to
be in an area that is susceptible...

Mom, can we have corn on
the cob Saturday night?

Sure. Why? Not supposed to tell.

If you want corn, you'll tell.

OK.

Isiah Thomas is coming to dinner
and he really loves corn.

Isiah Thomas?

You can't say anything
to anybody, OK?

Hey, I'm home.

- Oh, I don't believe it.
- Well, I'm right here.

- What is this?
- Brad and Randy wrote to Mark...

pretending to be Isiah Thomas.

It's not from Isiah?

Mark, no professional basketball player
is gonna come to our house to eat corn.

Especially your mom's corn.

Honey... Look, you're
eight years old now.

It's time that we had this talk.

Stop being such a sap!

But the letter looked so real.

Let me give you
some guidelines here.

If something good
happens to you,

and Brad and Randy
are happy that it happened,

it's probably not a good thing.

I'm gonna get them back!

Wait. What are you
gonna do to 'em?

I'm gonna tell them that they're
ugly and that their feet stink.

Ouch!

It's probably not a good idea to
tell 'em stuff they already know.

Think of something, all right?
OK.

By the way, keep Friday open. I
got sleepovers for all the kids.

We are going out. All right!

We almost got roped into going to
Al's house. Where are we going?

Al's house. No!

More dip? No, thank you, Al.

Dipped out, big fella.

Don't worry, Al.
Ilene'll be here any minute.

Any minute.

Boy, I should take a look at that
rack of lamb before it dries out.

She's minutes late.
She's not coming. Let's eat.

She's coming. Stop whining.
Try to say something supportive.

Nice butt, Al.

Well, that's probably her now.

Hi. Hi.

- Al?
- Ilene?

Would you like to come on in?
Come on in.

- Hi. I'm Jill. I work with Beth.
- Nice to meet you.

And the man behind the cheese
ball is my husband Tim.

Hi.

This is very exciting for me.
I'm a big fan of the show.

You are so funny.
Thank you very much.

And Al. So competent.

Thanks. Would you like
something to drink?

That'd be great. Uh... Wine?

This really isn't like me,
being late.

Normally I am right on time.
Or early.

What a coincidence. Al is always early.
Isn't that right, Tim?

Yeah. Sometimes he shows up
before he's invited.

I just couldn't get out
of the office.

Then on the way over
here my car stalled.

I'll take a look at it.
Al should look at it.

Ilene, I would love
to look under your hood.

I mean... I mean of your car!
Of her car!

Al, you have a great
sense of humor.

A sense of humor is very
important in a relationship.

If I didn't have a sense of humor, I never
would have been able to stay with Tim.

How long have you
two been married?

It seems like forever.

In a good way.

- Children?
- Yes. We have three delightful boys.

And who would they be?

I myself would love
a big family.

Me too. Although I'm and I worry it's
a little late to be getting started.

Oh, no. You have plenty
of good childbearing years left.

It's not only that.
It's the whole process.

First you have to meet somebody,

then you have to date,
see if the chemistry's right.

I wish there was a way
to cut through that.

- So do I.
- You do?

You know, I...

I wouldn't want to be
too forward, but I...

I would love to be
the father of your children.

Do you mind if we eat first?

"I'd love to be the father
of your children."

I still can't believe the woman didn't go
running out of the apartment, screaming.

That's 'cause she's just
as desperate as he is.

Honey, you've got to applaud yourself.
They're a perfect match.

We gotta talk to Al.

What are you doing?
Don't talk... No.

They're going way too fast.
Way too fast.

She practically moved in
before dessert.

Her car stalls once on the way
over, and by the end of the night,

she thinks she can't
make it home?

"Oh, gee, Al. Maybe I'd better
stay on your couch."

How long is she gonna be
alone on that couch?

Knowing Al, six months. Come on!

Hang up.

You are just not
getting this at all.

These people are not
acting rationally.

You're not acting rationally.

Hey, you cannot build a
relationship based on desperation.

We did!

Tim, they were
naming their babies.

They were joking.

They laughed when I said,
"Call it Tim." Remember?

Hang up. Not until you
promise me you'll call them.

All right. I won't call Al,
I'll talk to him tomorrow. OK?

It's a waste of time.
They'll work it out.

When you're in a new relationship,
you're on an emotional high.

But after a while, you come crashing
down to reality. I know I did.

Happy hour, Wilson?

No! No, no, no, Tim.

I find that two coats of bourbon
give my paintings a nice gloss.

Two coats of bourbon will
give anybody a nice gloss.

Tim, it was rumored
that the Mona Lisa

was covered with
a splash of whiskey.

That would explain why she had
that little plastered look.

Actually, Tim, that look
may have had more to do

with her supposed relationship
with Leonardo da Vinci.

I don't wanna talk
about relationships today.

Problem, Tim? Yeah.
Jill's driving me nuts.

She fixes Al up
with a girl he likes.

Now she thinks they're moving too
fast and wants to break 'em up.

Why do women meddle in relationships?
Men don't care about that.

Uh-oh. You're falling victim
to a cultural stereotype.

Historically, men have been
the primary matchmakers.

For example, among
the Xhosa Kaffir tribe,

a young man's father would choose his
first, sometimes even his second, wife

in exchange for a sack
of barley or a goat.

I'd hold out for a sack
of cash and a Jag.

You see, unlike
the ancient matchmakers,

who received goods
for their services,

Jill's motives are much purer.

She only wants
what's best for Al.

But why does she
drag me into it?

Who the heck knows?
You know women.

OK, Mom. Here's the fake letter.
We're gonna get them great!

Boy, this is a big
moment for you.

Your first prank
against your brothers.

You came up with it
all by yourself.

Mom, this is only the beginning.

Hi, guys. How you doing?

Ah, so tonight's
the big night, eh, Mark?

I hope you have
enough corn for Isiah.

Hey, Mark. Look at this. You got
a letter from Isiah Thomas.

Wow! Another letter.

Cool! Isiah's leaving me five
tickets to the Bulls game!

Wait a second. Let me see that.

Oh, man. Courtside seats
for the whole family.

All we have to do
is present the letter.

Wait a minute. Let me see that.

Right. We're invited
to the locker room

to get an autographed
game ball after that?

Oh, my gosh, I can't believe it!
Oh, my gosh, I can't either.

Well, I don't believe it.
Did you guys write this?

No! I swear! Really,
Mom, we didn't.

Yeah, we wrote the other one!
They wrote the other one!

Yeah, but this one's real!
Wait a minute.

You wrote a fake letter?

Yeah, but this one's real.
This one's real.

I don't believe it.
Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

No! Come on!

I got this piece.

Tim! Tim.

Mark wrote that letter.

I knew that.
We're all in this together.

Suckers, suckers.

Nice try, Dad.
I knew he did that.

Guys, go on up and wash your hands.
Good job!

Can I go up and tease 'em?
Absolutely.

Thank you.

Great!

I'm gonna clean up
and get to work.

Don't forget
to talk to Al about Ilene.

I got a better idea.

I'm thinking maybe I'll bring
'em over, both of them.

They can watch
how we are together.

I'm sure they'll decide
they're much better off single.

Ford part, obviously.
Mustang, ' .

You know it, Tim.

I have over wheel covers and
hubcaps in my collection at home.

Wow! That takes a lot of space. You
must have a real understanding wife.

She left me, Tim.

She said it was either
her or the hubcaps.

Hate to hear that.

But I think you made the decision
most of us would have made.

- Right, Al?
- I don't think so, Tim.

I would never trade wheel covers
for the love of a good woman.

And, unlike you, I have never used
the show as my personal forum.

I would like to say something
to my special lady.

- What are you gonna do?
- Speak from the heart.

Al, don't do this. Al!

It was good to have
you on the show. Thanks.

Dr. Ilene Markham.
I, Albert Borland,

would like to spend
the rest of my life with you.

Will you marry me?

That's great. Great.
That's great.

- What are you doing?
- I'm proposing.

- Are you crazy? He's crazy.
- Crazy in love.

Oh, boy! Aren't you?
Aren't we all?

That's all the time we have. Klaus,
the music, please. Thank you.

That's it for Tool Time.
See you next time.

Thank you very much.

You're clear.

Are you out of your mind?

On the contrary.
I've never felt clearer.

You've only known
her a couple of days!

Yes, but I know
everything about her.

- Is she married?
- I don't know.

- Is she from around here?
- I don't know.

Is she allergic to flannel?
Does she have any weird tattoos?

Can she digest
asparagus properly?

I don't know!

What do you know about her?

I do know that I like her.

And I want to start a family
before I get too old.

What? Well, you know...

My father was almost
when I was born.

- I didn't know that.
- Yeah, well, I...

Thank you.

When we would go to the park, we
would sit and feed the pigeons

while I would watch the other
kids play ball with their dad.

is a ways off, buddy.

And getting married
is a big step.

It's, um...

It's like when you
bought your saber saw.

- You didn't buy the first one you saw.
- Of course not!

You went back to the hardware store a
couple of times, looked at a few of 'em,

to make sure
there's no surprises.

Well, yeah. That's... true.

Women are like that.

You don't want
to marry a saber saw

and wake up one day and find yourself
lying next to a... jackhammer.

So, what you're saying is,

you don't want to
go to bed with one tool

and wake up with another.

Ideally, you don't want
to be going to bed with tools.

You know what
I'm driving at here, Al?

Yes, I do.

Oh, but, Tim,

I've already proposed. It's gonna
be on the air in a few hours.

I think I got that covered.

Really? Yeah.

What do you say you and I go over to
the park and play a little catch?

That'd be great. Then maybe
we could feed the pigeons.

Let's not get carried away, Al.

- I'd say this is a Mustang, probably ' .
- You know it, Tim.

- He really proposes to her on the air?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Why didn't you stop him?
- I couldn't.

He was like a belt sander
headed for some pine.

What will happen
when she sees this?

Covered, covered.

Dr. Ilene Markham.

I, Albert Borland,
would like to spend...

Tuesday night... with you.

Look, it's Godzilla.

The city's in danger.
It's Godzilla!

It's not, it's your mother!

Dear Mark.

Sorry it's taken me
so long to write back,

but I've been really busy.

Isiah, honey, come to dinner.
In a minute.

I gotta write back to this kid.
He's written me times.

Your corn's getting cold.

Isiah, honey. Come to dinner.
In a minute.

I've gotta write back to this
kid. He's written me times.

Come on, Zeke, man. Forget the kid.
The corn's on, buddy.

We got plenty of corn.

There's pimentos with it.
Come on, buddy.

Come on, I said.