03x01 - The Test

[bunniefuu]

Ah!

Dad, you slept late!

Yeow!

Well, it's Saturday morning!

for .

You forgot what
you're gonna do today?

No way.

I'm going to eat a big breakfast

grab that sports page and
hide in the John till lunch.

You did forget.
I can't believe it.

A little help.

[Imitates engine]

[Imitates screeching tires]

Ptooot!

[Imitates siren]

Oh, yeah, your driving lesson.

Well, let's go.

We got all day.

That's what you said last week,

but we just washed your car

because "a clean car
is an aerodynamic car."

Guess you won't fall
for that again, huh?

I think I'm ready
for that next step.

Which would be turning innocent
pedestrians into street pizza.

Shut up, Darlene.

Dad, come on!

Becky, it's Saturday.

The one day of the week

we can all spend time together.

Boy, it's a beautiful morning.

It just makes me want to sing!

Guys, get out of here.

I have to clean,
but you can get out.

Go, unless you want
to stay and help me.

Can't. Promised Becky
a driving lesson.

All right!
Can I have your car keys?

Yeah. Yeah.
Here they are.

No jokes about how bad
a driver I'm going to be?

Didn't Darlene
take care of that?

Yeah.
I crushed her.

There. What's
keeping you?

Dan, take D.J. Here
to his den meeting.

I don't have a den meeting.

Why are you wearing
your uniform, stupid?

I slept in it, stupid.

Ah, I remember
my days as a scout,

especially the
wilderness training.

We couldn't find any wilderness.

The scoutmaster would drop
us in downtown Chicago,

and we had to return on our own.

I was one of the lucky ones.

Dan...

Scout's honor.

Becky's waiting.

Yeah. Can we go?

Can I get some food first?

No. Take it with you.

Everybody go.
Take Darlene with you.

I want to wait
for the call with you.

What call?

From the highway patrol

telling you they've
found your husband

and most of your daughter.

What'll it take to get
everyone to leave?

Hi, everybody.

Roseanne, wasn't this going
to be your morning alone?

It was supposed to be.

They won't go away,

like something stuck to
the bottom of your shoe.

Like gum?

No, not like gum.

It's like being a spy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that it?

Yep. It's the most accurate
pregnancy test on the market.

All right, let's go.

Relax. What's
the matter...

Aside from being nine days late?

You said save my first
morning's urine, right?

I've been saving it
for seven hours.

You sure Dan doesn't know?

He thinks I'm on schedule.

How did you manage that?

I faked PMS.

I even added
an extra day for fun.

Hey!

I had to tell Crystal.

She keeps track of everybody's
time of the month

so she can send a card.

Let's go.

What do we got here?

Directions.

Test kit.

What is this for?

That holds the urine.

No. You do it
in the lid first,

then you use that dropper.

Oh. Well,
give me the lid.

I got to wash it out first.

Ah!

Oh, hey, they got coupons.

You going to use these?

"The most advanced
type of..."

it's clean!
It's clean!

[Knock knock]

Hi.

Come in. Are
they out there?

Yeah. I didn't
say anything.

I just said hi
and headed straight here.

They must think we're doing
some weird shaving ritual.

Why don't you tell Dan?

If it's positive, I'll
find some way to tell him

so his head don't explode.

How did you tell him
about your other kids?

With Becky, I said,
"Dan, get a job."

With Darlene, I said,

"Dan, get a better job."

And D.J.?

Ohh. Do I have to
tell him about D.J.?

Oh. Come on, Roseanne.

You got to be a little excited
about maybe being pregnant.

Yeah. I can hardly
wait to start puking.

Come on, guys, or my
water's going to break.

[Knock knock]

Oh, geez!

Roseanne, what the hell's

going on in there?

We're worshipping Satan, honey.

We'll be right out.

Come on, Roseanne.

Ohh.

All right, come on in.

The kids don't
need to hear this.

Ah.

Ah, I get it.

Dan...

It's ok.

How a person lives her life
is her own business.

So, Jackie,

you got drunk and forgot
there's a zillion kinds

of birth control around?

Does Gary know?

No, Dan, he doesn't.

Gary's the father, right?

If you say so.

Word of advice from a man...

Don't say a word
until you do the test.

Don't upset the guy
if you don't have to.

I was just saying like
that very same thing.

I was saying that
if it is positive,

be short, sweet, and
right to the point.

You know, kind of like...

"I'm pregnant, Dan."

Gary.

Dan.

Gary.

Dan.

Gary!

We have to do this
in front of everybody?

We'll go.

How late?

Nine days.

When did this happen?

When we were having sex.

But we're always careful.

Whoops.

Come on, honey, go.
I got to do this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You guys did it again, huh?

Did what?

They were listening, Dan.

Great.

It's not bad enough

this accident is running around?

Who's an accident? How can
somebody be an accident?

Oh, great, ask me.

Thanks, Darlene.

I'm stressed out, ok?

Maybe you could think
before opening your mouth.

Be quiet.
I'm trying to go.

Shh.

Shut up.

Well, make some noise.

I can't believe you, Darlene.
You're so insensitive.

You got a big butt.

Cut it out.

There's no need
for this right now.

We shouldn't upset your mother

in her condition.

It's true?

We don't know yet.
Keep quiet about it.

What?

Come on, Roseanne.

That test takes minutes.

Do what you were doing
for another minutes.

minutes and seconds.

Thank you, D.J.

You're welcome.

I'm so excited about this,
I could bust in two.

It's like having a baby myself.

Well, now, it's
not positive yet.

I know, but thinking about it

gets my biological clock
ticking away.

Tick, tick.

Just hope I can do
something about it

before the battery dies.

You want another kid?

I hate thinking of my Lonnie

as an only child.

I regret not having
that girl I dreamed about.

Yeah. Me, too.

What about you, Jackie?

Your little clock
must be all wound up.

Crystal...

I'm a cop.

Cops can get pregnant
just like everyone else.

Yeah, but when she wakes up
depressed, bloated,

and hating the whole world,

she gets to carry a g*n.

minutes and seconds.

D.J.!

Thank you.

Crystal, maybe we better go.

No. Hang out. I'm having
trouble with this thing.

I got to get another tool.

The toaster's not even broke.

He doesn't want to discuss this.

You ought to go out after him.

Let him sit out there

and nail something else a while.

I think he's sure the test
will come out positive.

Why? I've only been late
three times before.

Here are two of them now.

Mom, we got to talk about this.

Your having a baby is ok

if we agree on some conditions.

Darlene, I was already talking.
Get out of here.

I want to hear your conditions.

Oh, that's quite all right.

Just go right ahead.

Oh, no. That's fine.

Come on. Let it rip.

Say I brought a puppy
into this house.

It would be my puppy,

and I'd care for it.

You won't have time
to care for a puppy

with all the work you'll have

with the new baby.

You don't get this, do you?

Yeah, you do.

I shouldn't be expected
to clean the baby

or wash it, watch it while
it sleeps, change it...

I guess what you're saying is

three children are
enough for this house.

Well, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

We're going
to miss you, Darlene.

So, what's your beef?

Uh, do you think
we could maybe...

Are you getting
all this, Crystal?

Uh, your clock still ticking?

Mother, I'm turning
this year, right?

That depends on what
you're about to say.

This is a big year for me.

I would maybe get
a sweet party.

I can't wear the same clothes.

God, what would people say?

Dad was talking about fixing
up some old car for me.

So?

So? So none of this
is going to happen!

When D.J. Was a baby,
I was .

I remember it was always,
"the baby needs this,

and the baby
needs that."

I do without things
'cause I'm the oldest,

and don't you want me
to go to college?

No, Becky.

We want you to work
in a bowling alley.

It was kind of our dream.

You'll never understand
how I feel.

You had a car when you were .

That's because when
I was , I had a job.

Well, just forget it.

What were you thinking
when you made this baby?

I was thinking,

"I wonder if
I could get pregnant

so I could louse up
Becky's life."

Geez, the little brat.

You can never do
enough for them...

I agree.

Can you believe
how selfish she is?

I mean...

Go to your room
and live in fear!

And to think I suckled them.

They're just upset, Roseanne.

It's a lot for them to handle.

How much longer
till this test is over?

minutes and seconds!

I'm going to make coffee.

If you don't want
to have this baby,

you could get an abortion.

Some say that's
m*rder, Roseanne.

And some say it's not.

And some say you got a choice,

but we don't know
the test results yet,

so we're talking about coffee.

Roseanne.

Bedroom.

Ooh, foreplay for a change.

This shouldn't have happened.

We took precautions.

Well, they didn't work.

You know your fertile time.

Well, excuse me for ovulating.

I didn't mean that.

You meant something like that,

like it's my fault.

The family thinks it's my fault.

I didn't mean that.

I'm feeling a little
old for this.

I'm .

What, like I'm ?

We ain't yuppies.

It ain't hip for us
to have babies.

We had them when
we were young and stupid

like we were supposed to.

It's weird that we're
going through this again.

Geez, you are just
as bad as the kids.

We have to go through
this whole thing again?

Well, maybe if we pull together,

we all can make
this pregnancy thing

a lot easier on us.

Like I'll carry the baby,

but Darlene gets
the morning sickness,

Becky gets the backaches,

and you get the hemorrhoids.

After the kid's born,

I'll do the diapering,

but you get up at night
and breast-feed it.

I've always helped,
and I'll help this time.

Don't call me selfish
because I thought

we would have time
for ourselves.

You've had nine days to adjust.

I've had minutes.

Almost done, mom, dad!

minute and seconds.

Thank you, D.J.

Was I an accident?

No, D.J. You were...

A surprise.

What's the difference?

Hmm, well... An
accident is something

that if you had
to do it over again,

you wouldn't.

But a surprise is something

you didn't know you
wanted till you got it.

Was Darlene an accident?

No. Darlene
was a disaster.

Darlene says I'm not going
to be the baby anymore,

so nobody's going to
pay any attention to me.

I'll tell you what, honey,

what if we pay

lots and lots
of attention to you?

I'll be happy
if you have a baby.

That's sweet.

I get a chance
to kick some butt.

Ah, tradition.
It's a remarkable thing.

Time! It's time!

It's time!

I might not be pregnant.

We might be yelling
for no reason.

We're rehearsing for next time.

No. There's not going
to be any next time

because I'm getting fixed.

You mean get your tubes tied?

Uh, no, I mean get
my knees sewn together.

I'm serious.
That's like an operation.

You would be in the hospital.

Well, you know, Dan,

it's just a little bit more
complicated than, say,

a vasectomy.

Yeah.

Well, you know what?
You're right.

I could take time
and drive you down there.

Uh-huh.

So you want to be alone or...

No. Come on in.

What do I do now, Jackie?

Read the test stick.

Pink is yes.
White is no.

Aunt Jackie told me.

I'll read the stick.

I want to read the stick.

Geez, D.J., it's not
like licking the spoon.

Mom!

All right, you can.

Hold it. Hold it.

I have something to say.

All right,
if this test is positive,

uh, I expect
all of your support.

I'm not even going
to ask you for it.

You're just going to give it.

You can do it.

Pretend like
you're some other family.

Ok.

Fine.

Yep.

All right, go.

Ok.

Tell us what it is.

Pink is yes.
White is no.

It's white.

No way.

- Yes!
- Yes!

- Yes!
- Yes!

Come on.

I'm sorry, Roseanne.

I'll talk to you later, sis.

Thanks for coming by.

That's what I do best.

I'm going to go
sh**t some hoops.

Ok.

So you'll be here
when I get back?

Right.

I didn't mean the stuff
I said before.

Yes, you did.

Ok, I did,

but, um, I'm sorry.

Ok?

Mmm. Ok.

Uh, Dan, Becky
wants her driving lesson.

Meet me in the car, Beck.

D.J., did you eat
your breakfast yet?

Ok.

What would you have named it?

Jack for a boy,

and Priscilla for a girl.

Mom!

There's a whole new box
on the top shelf!

I can't find it!

Of course not.

Well, you want me
to stick around?

You want some company?

Uh, no, I've got company.

Kid's got your face.

I'm amazed just looking at him.

Yeah.

None look like me.

That won't stand up in court.

Damn.

I'm going to watch TV.

I'll clean it up.

Yeah?

All right.

[Car horn honks]

Becky.

I...

You know that thing
you were gonna do,

that tube tying thing?

I'm not gonna.

Yeah, ok.

[Siren approaches]

Oh, my god.

Roseanne, don't worry.

Everybody's ok.

There was a little accident.

I drove them home.

What happened?

I can't believe it.

I'll tell the story
if you don't mind.

We're going up a hill.

The engine's straining a little.

I say, "Becky,
put in low."

Becky puts it in reverse.

Now we're going down the hill

to the surprise of the
traffic behind us.

This isn't fair.

I don't think we need
to hear from you.

So I'm calm.

I say, "Becky,
put on the brake."

She panics.

She romps on the gas.

Warp speed, Roseanne.

Cars are swerving, honking.

I reach over to apply
the brake with my hand.

Then Becky remembers
where the brake is.

Did you hit anything?

Not yet.

That didn't happen until...

You understand how I felt.

I didn't trust her
behind the wheel,

so we switch places.

Your daughter, left
the car in reverse.

So, I back into a tree.

I'm never riding
with that man again.

I kept a lid on it
'cause it's family,

but I hate to see something
like this go unpunished.

I'll take care of that.

Dan...

Bedroom.