05x21 - Playing with Matches

[bunniefuu]

Mom, what are you
still doing here?

Jackie's helping me
finish my new puzzle.

Look, Roseanne, marbles.

All marbles.
And get this:

Each marble is just
slightly different.

Well, why don't you guys
take all your marbles there

And move them
off the table,

'cause we're going
to eat dinner.

Oh, don't be
a party pooper, Roseanne.

We can just eat
around the puzzle.

It'll make dinner more fun.

Don't make me do this.

[garbage disposal]

Roseanne, you wouldn't!

It's getting heavy.

So you had a bad day.

That is no excuse
to take it out on me.

When life gives me lemons,
I make lemonade.

But when life
gives you lemons...

Sourpuss, sourpuss, sourpuss!

What's her problem lately?

You think you've
got it bad?

Try living with the woman.

I came over here
to get away from her.

She followed me.

I swear to god, she's sucking
the very life right out of me.

Just a matter of time.

Everybody in
the retirement village
got to know her.

Now they're sending
her back to us.

Well, can't she make
any friends over there?

I mean, don't they have,
like, one deaf person

Strapped down
to something there?

We have got
to do something soon.

She is undoing a lot
of expensive therapy.

Dinner!
Let's go.

About time.
I'm wasting away here.

Okay, well, c'mon,
let's go eat.

We'll see you later, mom.
See you tomorrow.

Oh, no, no,
i'm not going.

I'll be fine out here.

Just have some tea
and work on my puzzle.

While you're driving home?

Nonsense.

If it gets dark before
I finish the puzzle,

I'll just sleep over.

Let's go here.
We're looking for corners.

[snaps]

[laughing]

Wow.

Wow.

Come here.
Come here, look.

What?

This is so creepy.

Doesn't that look like elvis?

How about a
cup of coffee, jake?

It's on the house.

I'll take a cream soda.

One cup of coffee
and i'm up all afternoon.

Hello, girls.

Hi.

So, is he going
to be our new dad

Or is he just another
one of your nooners?

Don't.

Don't start with me, Roseanne.

That's jake from
the retirement complex.

My battery was dead,
so he drove me in.

That's all.

Well, she is .

I guess it's perfectly
natural that she starts

Getting interested in boys.

Roseanne,

You don't think
the two of them are...

Oh, gross.

No grosser than her
doing it with dad.

[in unison]
ewww!

Maybe they're not.

Maybe they should.

Jackie, I think she needs
a new little puzzle pal.

I'll give the bride away
if you kick her
down the aisle.

So, ma...

Is it getting serious?

Has he introduced you
to his parents yet?

Please, girls, i'm
not in the market.

I spent years
taking care of your father

And i'm not going
to do that again.

Well, relax.

In years, all
that guy's going to need

Is just an occasional mowing.

C'mon, mom.

He's kind of cute.

He's like a big leprechaun.

He's got a cute butt.

Oh, please.

She's right, mom.
Fine set of cakes.

Well, he is a speed walker.

Hi, Jake.

I'm Roseanne and this
is my sister Jackie.

We're Bev's daughters.

Well, I see where
she gets her looks.

Gee, Jake, could you
get that fork for me?

Get a nice look
at the caboose?

I beg your pardon?

I love to shock your mom.

I had quite enough shocking
on the drive over.

Oh, Beverly, don't stop me
if you've heard
this one before.

Did you read about
the lady who was so
in love with a priest

She followed him around
a church and grabbed him
by the organ?

You put your teeth
in that mouth?

Hey, ma, I forgot to tell ya.

Dan wanted you to come
bowling with us tonight.

I'd love to.

I'm sure i've still got
one of your father's balls

Around somewhere.

Alimony wasn't enough?

Hey, ma, how about we bring
Jake bowling with us?

I'd love to go bowling.

And, Bev, if you want me to,
i'll give you a ride.

I've got reclining seats.

I know what
you mean by that.

Aw, come on.
You love it.

I could tell you the story
about the milkmaids again.

I'm not listening.

This midget walks
into a farm,

I didn't hear a word--
[jake]
who strips completely--

God, it's like they're
feeding off each other.

[knocking at door]

Hi.
Oh, hey.

Is Darlene around?
I need to get
an assignment from her.

No, she's at the library.

What is D.J. doing up?

When I baby-sit,
he's not allowed

To watch American Gladiators.

It makes him want to wrestle.

Geez, one time.

I'll just hang out
until Darlene gets back.

It might be a while.

Oh, you're working
on your comic book?

Yeah, kinda.

God, the women you draw
are so beautiful.

I wish I had a body like that.

Yours is fine.

I mean, you know.
You're all...

You're in proportion.

Really?
You're just saying that.

No, no.
I mean it.

Everything ends
where it ends.

Thanks.

What are you doing?

I thought you wanted me to.

I mean, the way
you looked at me.

I didn't look
at you any way.

I looked at you like this.

There was no way
in how I looked at you.

David, everybody is out.

We can go to
your room if you want.

Molly, what are
you talking about?

You know i'm going
out with Darlene.

David, you're cute
and you're smart.

And you deserve someone
who doesn't sleep

Hanging upside-down.

Hey, you don't know anything
about Darlene and me.

I know she treats
you like crap.

C'mon, that's not fair.

Darlene treats
everyone like crap.

Come on, David.

She doesn't act like
you're her boyfriend.

It's hard to tell you guys
are even a couple.

That's not true.
We have big plans.

We're going to this art school
in new york together.

Like you'll still
be together in two years.

No, we're doing it now.

We're dropping out
of high school

As soon as we're accepted.

You're kidding.

You guys are really
going to drop out--

[Roseanne]
hi, David.
Hi, Molly.

D.J., what are you doing up?

Nothing.

I think I gotta
go to bed now.

I better get going.

I can get the homework
assignment from
Darlene later.

Dan, did you hear that?
Darlene went to school today!

Well, I must say,
I had a great time tonight.

Yeah, great time, great game.

But tiring.
Really, really tiring.

That couch looks like
it's got my name on it.

[yawn]

I just can't stop myself.

Oh, Dan, it's early, now.

And, mom, I think I see
your name on the couch

Right here next to jake.

Come on, mom, sit.

Sit, mom.

I'm fine standing.

Well, how about a drink?

I'll get her all
liquored up for ya.

Don't be ridiculous.

I only have the slightest nip
on special occasions.

Yeah, like every time
we celebrate dinner.

You could talk me into
a cup of coffee, though.

We're out of coffee, bev.
I think we're out of coffee.

Yeah, we're out of coffee.
And tea, there's no tea.

Come to think of it, we don't
have anything to eat
or drink in the house.

And we're out of toiler paper.

Hey...

Look, look, look,

A glass of water
will be just fine.

And then, maybe,
put a cherry in it.

Oh, that sounds good!
I'll get some for everyone.

Dan, go show mom
where we keep the cherries.

So, Jake,

I think my mother
really likes ya.

Yeah, every time she
really likes somebody,

She acts real rude and dull.

Well, then, I guess
your husband is crazy
about me, too.

Darlene?
Out.

Can I ask you something?

I told you, Deej.

You were placed
with this family

As part of a
scientific experiment.

Eventually you'll be
returned to the trees

Where you can teach the others
what you've learned.

Are you really gonna leave?

What are you talking about?

I heard David tell Molly
that you're running away.

He told her that?

He's dead.
Man, is he dead.

So are you running away?

No, Deej,
i'm not running away.

But I want you to promise me
you won't tell mom and dad
what David said.

Well, if it's not true,
then why shouldn't I tell them?

There's a couple ways
we can deal with this.

I could grab you
by the ears

And bang your head
against the wall,

Which is getting
a little old.

Or, for the first time
in your life, you can
act like an adult,

Which is not going
to be easy with that haircut.

I won't tell.

Thanks.

Darlene?
What?

Another thing happened.

Like?

They kissed.

They kissed?

Uh-huh.

On the lips?

Uh-huh.

Did they do anything else?

What else is there?

David.

Oh, hey.

How was the library?

It was okay.

I was reading this really
stupid thing about this guy

Who cheated on
his girlfriend and...

Well, he told
a really big secret.

So one night, his girlfriend
snuck up behind him

And stabbed him, like,
or times.

You know, until
her hand cramped up.

I didn't do anything, Darlene.

She kissed me.

Oh, please, i've seen
you guys together.

You've been trying to get
into each other's pants
for months now.

I can't believe I trusted you
to keep a secret.

I only told her
about our plans

Because she said we weren't
serious about each other.

I was defending us.

Oh, so while you were telling
her how serious we were,

You were chewing
the buttons off her blouse?

This is insane.

You expect me to feel
guilty, I didn't even
do anything wrong.

Oh, well, I wouldn't
want you to feel guilty,

So here's good news:

I'm breaking up with you.

So, what, that's it?

We're not going to work
on the comic book?

We're not even going
to hang out anymore together?

We're breaking up, David.
It's over.

Gee, can we still
not have sex?

That i'll give ya.

Hey, what do you
think you're doing?

Forks go on the left.

Trouble in teen town?

It's nothing.

David?

You better tell us
what you're fighting about.

Yeah, 'cause it's no fun
till we can take sides.

It's kind of a long story.

Basically, before I could
stop her, Molly kissed me.

[descending whistle]

Oh, David, i'm so sorry
that your last meal

Is going to be meatloaf.

I didn't kiss her back,

But Darlene broke up
with me anyway.

I was completely right
and she was completely wrong.

Well, David, it really
doesn't matter

Who's completely right
and who's completely wrong.

See, it's your job as
the man to apologize to her.

But it's not my fault.

Doesn't matter.

So what does she do?

Well, she gets to forgive you.

She's the one who's wrong.

Doesn't matter.

All right, fine,
i'll just go up there

And apologize my guts out.

Take all the blame
and pretend that i'm wrong.

At least i'll know i'm right.

[cups clanging]

Don't stop me, folks,
if you've heard this one.

Knock, knock.

Jake, what do you
want to drink?

Knock, knock.

We got cola or juice.

Roseanne, knock, knock.

Dan, someone's at
the door for you.

A little busy here, honey.

D.J., would you go
see who's at the door?

Got it.

And he's the one
we're most proud of.

Hey, I said I was sorry.

Apologies don't count
when mom made you do it.

All right, fine.
Then i'm not sorry.

You can go to hell.

Look, Dan, my advice worked!

They're talking again.

There's no one at the door.

What are you--

What are you guys mad about?

I don't want to talk about it.

No, i'd like
to talk about it.

Boy, this brings back
great memories.

My sister and I used to fight
like this all the time.

So, come on.
What's your problem?

I apologized,
I thought we had made up,

And she wouldn't even kiss me.

Well, none of this
would have happened

If he hadn't cheated on me.

My sister and I
were never that close.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Jake, David's not
one of our kids.

He's Darlene's
boyfriend.
Oh.

Not boyfriend.
Ex-boyfriend.

I'm trapped in this house
with my ex-boyfriend.

Well, you should
have thought of that

Before you asked him
to move in here.

I'm only .

Why were you
listening to me?

Don't get mad at him.

This is all your
fault, Darlene.

You're right, it is my fault,
and i'm going to fix it.

I want him outta here, now.

David, get out.

Sit down, David.

If anybody gets to move out
of this house, it'll be me.

[knocking on door]

Can I come in?

No, but you will.

Well, David told me about
what happened with Molly

And everything.

And Molly is really different
than you, Darlene.

She's very forward, but
I do believe what David said.

I also know why you're upset.

I'm not upset.
I'm not mad.

I'm not anything.

Yeah, well, I think you are.

But, you know, you always
cover up all your feelings

With some really lame jokes
and some big, tough attitude.

I wonder where the hell
you got that.

Please don't tell me
i'm like you.

I'm depressed enough.

I mean, you know, if you're
thinking of shutting down

To keep all the bad stuff out,
you gotta remember, Darlene,

You're not letting
any good stuff in, either.

Okay, fine, you want me
to feel something?

All right, i'm really
mad at myself.

I mean, I told him I loved him.
What was I thinking?

Well, I think you were
just being honest

About your feelings, you know?

And I know how tough that
is for you, Darlene, but

You know, you really
do love David.

And you know that he's
totally crazy about you.

Well, big fat gold star.

Well, there's just no way
to avoid it, Darlene.

Sometimes, you're going
to have to go against

Everything I ever taught you
and learn to trust someone.

Even men.

And David trusts you, Darlene.

And I think you ought to give
him the benefit of the doubt.

I just don't think one person
is worth this much.

Well, I do.
I think you're worth this much.

And I think david's
worth this much, too.

You know, I really,
really like David.

I think he's really
good for you.

You know, he brings out the...

Human in you.

You say that like
it's a good thing.

This sucks.

I love you, Darlene.

And I love you best when you
let me be your mom.

Hey.

Can he come in?

I don't care.

Come on in.

Well, I would love to stay
and help you some more,

But I feel I should share
by wisdom with others.

I want to take my
stuff back to my room.

Fine.
Take whatever you want.

What are you doing?

Nothing.
You can go now.

Are you crying?

I didn't know
you could do that.

What do you think I am,
some sort of freak
or something?

I mean, we're
breaking up here, David.

Yeah, but you
broke up with me.

You should be happy.
I should be upset.

Well, sorry, i'll try
and get it right next time.

David, I don't want
to break up with you.

What?

You don't?

It's just so weird.

I'm not used to caring
this much about one person.

Darlene, i've never
seen you like this before.

I like it.

Yeah, well, it's the new me.

I'm going to start
painting sad clowns

And writing little
poems to my cat.

Okay, kids, enough making up.

[screams]