05x17 - First Cousin, Twice Removed

[bunniefuu]

Yep. This whole
place is mine.

Anything you
want is free.

Do they let
you work here?

I don't have to.
I'm an owner.

Oh, yeah?
Prove it!

Okay, you want to see?

D.J.!
What are you doing?

He made me!

This is why you don't
have any friends, D.J.

You guys sit down there.

I'll make you a couple
of sandwiches.

She's new.

Anything's better than
having your mom here.

Hey, D.J.
Hey, Jordan.

Oh! Mrs. Conner, you look
especially lovely today.

Brace yourself, Roseanne.
Mom just called.

Someone's coming here,
someone you don't like.

That could be anybody.

Cousin Ronnie.

Oh, my god.

She heard about dad.
She wants to pay her respects.

Well, couldn't she have her
secretary fax her respects

From her royal yacht
or something?

What does she have to come
down here for?

I would like to stick
around, but I have a lot
of...Stuff to do.

You're not going anywhere.

You're gonna be right
here when the happiness
hits the fan.

All right.
You can make me stay,

But for god sakes,
let the little ones go.

Blow.

Come on, you guys.
Fill me in.

Don't hog the hate.

You better tell her, Jackie.
I'll get too upset.

All right.
Ronnie's a cousin.

She's a jerk.

And about years ago,
they had a misunderstanding.

It wasn't
a misunderstanding.

I was totally right and she
was completely wrong.

Roseanne thought she was
gonna be a bridesmaid
in Ronnie's wedding,

And now Roseanne
will interrupt me.

But Ronnie didn't think
that I was good enough

Because it was a pretentious,
overblown piece of crap anyway.

Was it a day
or an evening wedding?

Never mind.

If you need me,
i'll be in the kitchen.

Well, here.

Clean up a little
before she gets here.

What are you mad at me for?

Because you're my sister
and if I hate somebody,

You gotta hate 'em too.

That's called love.

It was never
my fight anyway.

And besides,
you don't know.

It's been years.

Maybe she's come down
to earth since
the last time we saw her.

Ronnie.

[ominous]

[laughing]

Well, Jackie.

You've certainly grown out
of that awkward stage.

Well, it happened
about a week ago.

We're all very
happy about that.

How's your sister?

She's good.

She's right
over there.

Yes, I see her.

Well, I can see that you
two obviously want to talk,

So I will just get
out of your way.

Uh, would you like
some coffee or something?

Yeah.
Coffee'd be great.

That's a nice outfit.

Thank you.

That's a nice...Place.

Oh, this old thing?

I just threw it
together this morning.

Rosie, I was so sorry
to hear about your father.

You know, I really
loved him.

Well, you had the advantage
of not being his kid.

I would have come
to the funeral,

But I only heard about
it a few days ago.

That's okay.
Mom took pictures.

Look, I know there's been
a lot of bad blood between us,

And I know we've said a lot
of things to each other

Which, although extremely
clever, we probably regret.

But I really think
this is a time for
families to be together.

Yeah. Death is such
an ice-breaker.

I want you and I to bury
the hatchet, Rosie.

I'm sick of being
mad at you.

You mad at me?

You're the one that didn't
make your closest cousin
your bridesmaid.

I was in New York.
I'd made new friends.

I had...Obligations.

Yeah, well, what about
your obligations to me?

You know, I was sitting there
waiting for a call from you

To tell me what kind of
hideous tangerine chiffon
bridesmaid dress to wear,

And then I get an
invitation months later

That other people got.

I was crushed.

Tangerine chiffon?

That is so ' s.

Well, it was the ' s.

Nancy, if you don't mind,
this really has nothing
to do with you, okay?

I mean, I only knew
Nancy for one year,

And she made me one
of her bridesmaids.

Yeah, but I don't
have that many friends.

Are those
Charles Jourdan boots?

They're gorgeous.
Did you buy them new?

Is that a Fendi bag?

Are these Mizrahi gloves?

You know,
i'm a little busy now.

Would you come back and envy
me in about minutes?

Nancy, there's a customer
over there that could
use some service,

And i'm sure his overalls
are Oshkosh b'gosh.

We'll gab later.
Love your earrings.

You know, I just cannot
believe that you have
been mad at me

For years because
of my stupid wedding.

Well, it wasn't just that,
it was a whole bunch

Of other stuff too,
you know?

You were supposed
to go to New York,

And then I was
gonna follow.

And you were
gonna get an apartment.

I was gonna come
live with you,

And it was, you know,
gonna be like that girl.

I was only in my
early twenties. I didn't
know where I was going.

Yeah, but I was
and I believed you.

I wasn't thinking.

I was very insensitive.

All right,
I was a total butt.

Okay, well, since you came
this far and everything,

I'd really like you to come
over and meet my family.

I've told them all about you,
so now would be a good time

For you to come
and defend yourself.

Great.

Jackie would you watch this
place? We're gonna leave.

[Jackie]
okay, you got it.

Oh, hey.

So, uh, are you still
married to that same guy?

Oh, after everything
I put you through,

We never even
made it to our
first anniversary.

I know. I heard.

Thanks.

I heard Becky got married.

Any grandchildren yet?

Good one.

[laughing]
look at us.

Brown's Lake, .

Who's the little boy pulling
the shirt over his head?

That's Jackie.

Said we were
all gonna do it.

Do you still have
the picture of her doing
the pantyless cartwheel?

Yeah, it's
in there someplace.

Had a lot of great
times together, didn't we!

Maybe I can find a picture
of that mud fight in here.

Oh, god, is that mud fight
gonna haunt me forever.

Yeah, remember how upset
I got at you for stealing
my boyfriend blake?

Whose old beater's that?

That was mine.
Before your mother
totaled it.

You totaled a car?

Well, it wasn't her fault.

The cops were chasing her.

The cops were chasing you?

Of course,
it was a stolen car.

You stole a car?

You know, if she had
not totaled that car

She would have been right
across the state line.

Where were you going?

Across the state line,
I don't know.

I was only .

How come you never
told Darlene any of this?

Because I was afraid
it would bring us together.

Oh, you think
I was so cool.

I was nothing more
than a Ronnie wannabe.

Ah, stop it, Rosie.

No, Ronnie, it's true.

You were always somebody
who could never settle down.

I couldn't even make it
across the state line,

But you made it all
the way to new york.

I think my problem is that
I could never overcome my
basic nurturing instinct.

Get the hell
out of my chair!

I had the urge
to roam too, ronnie.

That's why I drove
the big rigs.

Yeah, I think I could've
made it out of here too

If I hadn't hit that
big old wall of love...
And married him.

Always had a touch
of the wanderlust.

Bit of a loner really.

So, Ronnie, uh, what
do you do in new york?

Well, i'm an editor with
American Interiors magazine.

Whoa. I knew illiteracy wasn't
a dominant gene in our family.

Now now, Darlene, you
gotta stand in line.

Ronnie was my idol first.

I wanted to get out
of Lanford and she did.

I wanted to write
children's books and
she became the writer.

Yup.

Don't envy me.

My kind of life's
not for everybody.

Towels are in the bathroom.
Sheets are in the drawer.

No boys after : .

That doesn't
give me much time.

Your mother didn't
describe you properly.

She said that you
were dark and brooding.

Yeah, well, I save that
for the immediate family,

But i'll make an exception.

School sucks, i'm bombing
out, my future's bleak.

And yourself?

Well, i've just been
amusing myself

By rifling through
your possessions.

David and I haven't
used any of those yet.

We just bought 'em in case
our relationship keeps--

Hey, relax.

I used to buy them
for your mom.

No. I read this
short story of yours,

And I think
it's really good.

I can't believe you invaded
my privacy like that.

But since you liked it,
i'll get over it.

I can't believe that you
got an f for that.

I really want
to be a writer,

But I know i'm
just gonna rot here.

The great minds of Lanford
just don't appreciate my stuff.

Oh, Darlene, don't buy
into what those teachers
in Lanford tell you.

They turn out professionals
a year and they all work
in the same garage.

You're the only person that's
gotten out of this hell-hole

And made it back
to tell about it.

Do you want
to know how I did it?

I just got into the car
and never looked back.

Aw, I wish I could do that.

You know, there's this great
writing school in new york

That I could go to now
if I just took one of those
equivalency tests.

Well, why don't you
go after high school?

Well, if I wait 'til
after high school

I will have had all the
creativity sucked out of me.

What would you tell me to do
if I was your daughter?

Well, if you were
my daughter i'd tell
you to stay at school

And clean your room.

But if it were me,
i'd probably drop out
and go for it.

Well, what would
you do for money?

Well, first i'd see if
I could get into the school

And then maybe i'd hit
my rich cousin for a loan,

And maybe a place to stay.

You'd do that for me?
You're kidding.

Darlene, this may depress
the hell out of you,

But you do remind me
of your mother.

You know, in spite
of that comment,

I'm gonna let you
lend me the money.

Now, you really remind
me of your mother.

God, dropping out of school,
moving to new york...

You know, maybe you should
let me tell my mom about this.

So rare that I get to
bring her any good news.

Dealer takes two.

Watch your language, boys.
There's a lady in the room.

Hey, ronnie, this is
D.J.'s friend Jordan.

Pleasure.

All the rest of my
poker buddies had
to stay after school.

I got to be going. My mom
wants me home by : .

What, are you gonna play
cards or you gonna listen
to your mommy?

We're eating dinner
at his house tonight. Bye.

But I got a straight.

Well, i'm out cents.

Ya up for a hand?

No way.

Last time I went
to vegas I lost a bundle.

Never actually used that word
when it comes to money.

What exactly is a bundle?

You don't want to know.

Try me.

Well, one night,
I lost two grand.

Good god!

On one hand.

Eee-oh!

I'm sorry, I know this
sounds like i'm bragging.

Yeah, it does,
but keep going.

This is the closest
i'm ever gonna come

To a vulgar
display of wealth.

Hey, where is everybody?
I could use a hand out here.

Yes, dear.

Well, I wasn't going
to buy this many groceries,

But there was a brand-new
girl at the grocery store

And she actually
took my check.

I wish you'd let me
pay for some.

Oh, nonsense,
you're the guest.

Only Dan and the kids pay.

Well, at least let me
put them away.

I never get to
do this at home.

It'll be fun!

Well, hey,
there's a mop

Up against
the fridge there.

Party down!

Extraordinary couple of days.

First, your cousin turns out
to be a decent human being,

And, get this, Darlene's
having trouble in school.

So what? She's the state's
problem from : to : .

I think they're about
to throw her back in our lap.

The word failing came up.

I'd say it's time
for threats and intimidation.

Well, did you
already do it?

Not yet.

I saved it all for you.

I love you.

It's open.

Hope you're doing
your homework.

Hope springs eternal.

So what's this I hear about
something threatening your,

Uh, solid d average
that we're so proud of.

No, it's okay,
I got it under control.

Well, I hope you didn't
do nothing to that teacher

They can trace back to me.

Don't worry, i'm not
gonna flunk anything, okay?

I can still hold my head
high in detention.

What's this?

What are you sending
a money order to the
board of education for?

It's for my high school
equivalency test.

I need it to go
to this writing school.

What writing school?

In new york.

Excuse me?
Have we met?

You don't need to do anything.
Cousin Ronnie said she'd pay

For the whole thing
and I could stay
with her and everything.

God, that is
so tacky, Darlene.

It's not like this family
don't look bad enough

Without you panhandling
the relatives.

Well, I didn't ask!
She offered!

No way! You're not leaving
this house until you're ,

And me and your dad
are gonna kick you out
like we always planned.

Well, you wanted to
get out of Lanford
when you were my age.

Yeah, but it's
all built up now.

Why do you have
to ruin my life?

Because I lost the coin toss,
okay? Your dad got D.J.

Where do I put something
called potato buds?

Why don't you put them
through college?

What?

Yeah, why don't you dangle
something real pretty
in front of them,

Encourage them to drop out
of school, and then turn them
against their parents.

This isn't about
potato buds, is it?

You know, Dan and me
don't like it when people

Offer our kids money
to run away from home.

We feel like if they're
gonna run away from home

They should save up
the money themselves.

See, we're trying
to instill values here.

Look, I don't mean to criticize
your methods, Roseanne,

But if you are trying
to thank me, you're going
about it the wrong way.

Oh, i'm sorry. Let me thank
you for going behind my back

And filling my daughter's
head with all kinds of ideas

That I have to run upstairs
and say no to.

Why do you have
to say no to her?

Maybe it's
the best thing for her.

You have known the girl
for minutes.

How could you possibly
know what's best for her?

I've lived with her for ,
years and I have no idea
what's best for her.

Well, I wouldn't
let that get out,

Otherwise they'll make
you give back your mother
of the year award.

Look, maybe you don't
know this about Darlene,

But she wants
to be a writer.

Well, of course she
wants to be a writer.

She's years old and
a sophomore in high school.

Last year she wanted
to be a basketball star.

Hey, D.J. Wants
to be a cowboy.

You want to run out
and buy him a horse?

I'm sorry, Rosie.

You know, I really thought
I was doing the right thing,

But i'll take care of it.

I'll just go upstairs and tell
her the whole thing's off.

No, you're going up and
you're giving her the ideas,

And then you go up
there and take them away.

You haven't really
changed much in years.

While you're up there why
don't you just tell D.J.
That his horse is dead.

Come on, Rosie.

You just hate the fact
that one of your kids

Looks up to me more
than they do to you.

I think it's time you got
to know your daughter better.

She certainly opens
up to strangers.

Well, maybe she takes
after your side of the family.

Oh, we all know what this
is about, don't we?

You're just jealous 'cause
I made something of myself.

Yeah, an ass.

And where do you get that
hoity-toity accent anyway?

I mean,
you're from illinois!

You've been talking that way
ever since you did that

Stupid play in high school.

Well, i'm sorry I don't
have your dulcet tones.

I can't believe
that I wasted years

Hating you for something
as stupid as a wedding

When there's really a very
good reason to hate you.

You're a bitch!

I'm a bitch? Ha!

I bow to the queen
of all b*tches.

Hey, you want to know
why I didn't want you

To be a bridesmaid
at my wedding?

Because there wasn't
enough tangerine chiffon
in the state of Illinois

To make your dress!

Good one.

You left out
your middle name.

Oh, um, I don't have one.

David...

Come on, the school
will still accept

Our applications
without our middle name.

It's maurice.

Thank your parents
for me.

Are you sure
your mom doesn't

Know what we're doing?

Nah, she probably thinks
we're out having sex.

Amazing, 'cause
I can't imagine it

Even if I try.

Well, does this help?

Maurice! Maurice!

I don't know
about this, Darlene.

The school's all the way
in New York.

Where are we
gonna stay?

Well, if my mom
hasn't completely

Blown the thing
with Cousin Ronnie,

There's always
her place.

You could visit from
the shelter on weekends.

Roll it down.

Yes, officer?

What are you kids
doing in there?

We're filling out our
applications for college.

My mom won't let us
do it in the house.

Oh, hey, let's tell them
that you didn't think

That your trailer
was big enough

So you threw
a major fit, okay?

'cause the tabloids
love when you do that.

How 'bout if we say
I threw a cup of tea
in your face?

You know, it really
is exhausting

Pretending all the time

To be this difficult to
get along with, isn't it.

Yes.
Would you like my
last piece of gum?

Thank you.

Oh, i've got it.
I've got it.

We'll feed 'em
a story

That I caught you
flirting with Tom

And then we got into
this huge catfight

And now you're suing me

For half of
all my stuff.

Here, let me
help you with that.

You know, it's been so
great being on the show.

Any of you guys
want some coffee?

Yeah, I would.
Make it two.

Hey, steve! You and andy
want some coffee?

Collins is making
another pot.

Coming right up!

You know,
I was thinking

About your credit
on the show,

And I just don't think

"guest star" is
important enough,
so I was thinking,

How 'bout if I put
your name above mine
in the titles?

Oh, please.

Don't even bother
about it.

Just leave it off
if you don't have the room.

In fact,
you know what?

Don't even pay me.

Anyone for cream?