05x15 - Lanford Daze

[bunniefuu]

Mom, listen to this.
I'm writing a play.

Ah, put aside the novel,
did ya?

It's for woodchucks.

We're doing
this history pageant

At the Lanford days
winter carnival

On how
Lanford was founded.

Don't you mean found?

No, mom. Founded.

I didn't know it was losted.

Mom.

Okay, i'm sorry, go ahead.

Okay. "gather 'round,
ye citizens of Lanford,

"and hear the tale
of the founding
of your town.

"many years ago,

"vikings came to America
and discovered Lanford,

"but it was already
one of the colonies,

So Abraham Lincoln
sent them home."

"he freed the vikings..."

"and then the indians
came with Geronimo and"--

Hey, hey,
hold it, hold it.

Where did you come up
with all this stuff?

Darlene told me.

Hey, i'm surprised
you left out the part

Where Moses led his people
out of Lanford.

Don't believe anything
Darlene tells you.

Except what I told you
about sex.

That was all true.

I want you to go down
to the library

And look up the real story

About the founding
of Lanford, okay?

Go to where we
check out the videos,

And ask them
where the books are.

Okay, but i'm looking up
the sex stuff, too,

So be ready.

I wish you wouldn't
do that to him.

He gets enough
wrong information
from me and your dad.

Well, if he'd actually
read something
once in a while,

He wouldn't be
such an easy target.

You know, I think
his picture's probably

Under "gullible"
in the dictionary.

See, that just goes to show
how much you know.

No, I just read
this whole story
in reader's digest

Where they said,
"can you even believe

That 'gullible' is not
listed in the dictionary?"

Oh, really?
We'll see about that.

It's good to see
that the classics
still hold up.

Check it out.

If this doesn't
bring people into
our Lanford days booth,

Nothing will.
What do you think?

I think
it's a big fat lie.

No, it's not.

She's gonna be
singing there,

We corner her
with a sandwich,

She loves it, we get her
to say "hooo doggies,"

And the whole thing's
true.

You're right, mom.
"gullible" is not in here.

It's not?

That's the whole joke.

Let me see that.

I hate this family.

[theme]

Hey, do I smell food?

Yeah, but that'll go away
soon as I start fixing dinner.

Can you make it quick?
I gotta run out again.

Where are you going?

I got a job.
Do I still have a tie?

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Come again?

A tie--one of those
long, skinny things.

Remember the wedding?

You mean like a job job?

Well, I get tired
of sitting around the house,

And a lot of other husbands
in the neighborhoods

Have jobs now.

Well, you know I like you
looking all pretty for me

When I get home from work.

Come on, Roseanne, I haven't
had any work in weeks.

I know you want me to stay
around the house doing stuff,

But I can't.

Oh, sure, now what?

I have to come home

And break up potato chips
onto the couch

All by myself?

Oh, so I
don't do nothing.

Oh, hey, don't come
out of your hair.

You know, I just
didn't even know
you were looking.

What kind of job
is it?

Running the booth
at Lanford days,

Selling hot tubs.

The beauty part is I never
have to see the boss.

He just calls in
to check up on me.

It's like charlie's angels.

You got a job,
like a steady job?

What am I, a hobo?

No, I think it's great.
Congratulations.

I may even have
an investment

For that new income.

Oh, good, 'cause
we've been thinking

About diversifying
our portfolio

Beyond, you know,
beer nuts.

David and I think
we're ready to start
selling the comics,

And we could print up
a thousand of 'em for
bucks.

Then why don't you
wait until Friday

When you get
your allowance?

Come on, you said
the restaurant's
doing okay,

And it's a great idea,
and i'll pay you back.

No way, Darlene.

This sucks.

It's not like i'm asking
for a college fund.

These comics are all
I got going for me.

Oh, now, don't go
getting all in a huff

'cause you asked
for something
you can't possibly get.

Why don't you let me know
what I can possibly get,

And i'll ask for that?

Okay,
well, you can get

The warmth
of my loving bosom,

And a coupon

For a dollar off
a loose meat sandwich,

Cheese extra.

My wrist is k*lling me.

Can't we do a scene
that doesn't have
so much rain in it?

Why don't you skip
to the sandstorm?

Food break.

Why are we doing this
if no one's gonna see it?

Just 'cause your mom
won't help out

Doesn't mean
that's the end of it.

You can always go back
to exotic dancing.

You, too.

You're still
eating meat?

Oh, come on.
I tried to stop, okay?

But I realized
i'm a carnivore.

Well, so are wolverines,

But I don't let them
heat up their prey
in my microwave.

A little respect for my
beliefs would be nice.

I would respect
your beliefs

If I knew
what they were.

What are you
talking about?

You're such
a hypocrite.

You won't eat meat,

But your family makes its
living selling meat.

Where do you think
your mom's gonna get

The money for our comics?

Oh, please.

That is completely
different.

No, it's not.

And what about
your allowance?

Face it, Darlene,
you are a part

Of the giant meat
industrial complex.

Shut up. I am not.

Let's get back to work.

I won an argument.

I can't believe it.

Congratulations.

What are you gonna
do now,

k*ll me and eat me?

Besides,
it's out of my hands.

I mean, what could I
do about it anyway?

Excuse me.

Excuse me. I'm the owner
of this restaurant.

[gasp]

What the hell?

People, that's it!
Show's over!

Move along. That's it.

I know what you're
thinking, Roseanne,

But this could have
been done by anybody.

Let's not
jump to conclusions.

Damn that stork!

Hey!

Hey.

So working on those comics
there, huh, are ya?

Yeah.

Say, Darlene, I know

That you
do all the writing

And David does
all the drawing,

But do you ever get
an urge to draw,
Darlene?

Oh, like, say,

Maybe you wake up in
the middle of the night,

Going, "god,
i've just gotta draw
something somewhere!"

All right, let's
get this over with.

I did the chalk outlines.

I just couldn't go on
being part

Of the Connor family
money-making
death machine.

Oh, now you
come up with a name
for the restaurant.

I was making a statement.

Yeah? Well, i'm making
a statement, too,

Only my chalk outline's
gonna have long curly hair

And a great big mouth.

This is not a game,
Darlene.

You got a problem,
take it up with me.

Don't screw
with the family business.

Doesn't it bother you

That you make a living
by exploiting animals?

You don't get it,
do you?

We are too low
on the food chain
to exploit people.

All that's left for us
is animals.

Well, i'm sorry
if I have principles

Despite everything
you've taught me.

Oh, bull. It has nothing
to do with principles.

You're just mad 'cause we
won't give you the bucks.

Oh, right,
like I really expected

To get that money
in the first place.

Well, i'll tell you
what you didn't expect.

You didn't expect to be
dishing loose meat sandwiches

Over at the Lanford days
this weekend,

But that's exactly
what you're gonna be doing.

You've got to be kidding.

Case closed, Darlene.

How close do I have
to get to the meat?

Well, you have to...
Sell it and serve it

And kiss it and love it.

Hi. Do you have
any barbecued pork?

Hey, just 'cause
we slaughter cows

Does not mean we hurt
our little piggy friends.

Y'all come back soon.

Darlene, look at me.

What?

What'd you do that for?

How else are we gonna
fool your mom?

I don't want her
stopping by here

And finding out you
didn't work all day.

Thanks. If anyone asks,

A cow blew up on me.

Hi, Jackie. Hey, Darlene.

Hi, Molly.
Here's your apron.

You're working here?

She promised she'd
come over and spell me.

The scooper's there,
the gloves are right here,

And Darlene is on a break,

So i'm gonna go over

And make sure D.J.'s
play goes all right.

Last yeah,
when they did Peter Pan,

Nobody clapped,
and Tinker Bell d*ed.

Great. Just the thing
to make my day fly by.

Hey, you want me to leave?

'cause I can go, and you can
slop this stuff yourself.

No, no, no, no, no.

We can work this out.
We're both reasonable people.

Just don't look at me.

Hi, Darlene. Hey, Molly.

Hey, David.

Sorry I got you
into this.

I really
feel responsible.

What did you do?

Dead cow outlines
in front of the restaurant.

No biggie.

Hey, that's so cool.

You know, i'm
a vegetarian, too.

I think anyone who cares
about their body

Wouldn't poison themselves
with that stuff.

Huh. I'd never thought
about it that way before.

Oh, and now you do
just 'cause she said it?

All of a sudden
you're a vegetarian?

Well, i'm vegetarian-like.

What the hell
does that mean?

I'm eating
a lot more chicken.

I forgot.
Chicken's a vegetable.

You even argue
when I agree with you.

You're not
agreeing with me.

You're agreeing with her,
who happens to agree with me,

Which makes me want
to rethink my whole position.

Thank you, Darlene.

Oh, give me a break.

You're probably just saying
you're a vegetarian

'cause you heard somewhere

Shannen Doherty
might be one.

I'm out of here.

All right, sparky,
you made me chase her away,

So now you're in charge
of handling the meat.

Story of my life.

Just wait till you see
this puppy in action.

Feel that jet. Go ahead.

Okay.

Wow, that's turbulence.

Hey, you want
to see turbulence,

Come on over to my house!

I'm kidding, but you know,

Imagine putting your tired
muscles up against that

At the end of a long,
hard day?

By the way, I didn't
get your name.

Paul.
Paul.

That's my son's name, Paul.

What do you think, paul?

How much is something
like this?

Only , , but with our
no-money-down payment plan,

We're talking
a few dollars a day.

And let me tell you
something, my friend.

This thing is a babe magnet.

I'm married.

We can have it demagnetized.

Well, I guess I could
spare a few dollars a day.

Okay, you sold me.

Really? Terrific!

Well, step into my office,

And we'll fill out
a credit application.

Okay,
uh, annual income.

About , .

Uh-huh.

Any additional income?

Well, my wife
was making about

Till she got laid off,

But she wanted to spend more
time with the kids anyway.

How many kids you got?

Four.
Four?

Credit cards?

Yep. Got all of 'em,

But this doesn't got
to go on 'em, right?

'cause they're pretty full.

I got to be honest
with you.

I don't think these guys
are gonna approve you.

Well, sure, they will.
They always do.

Everything I own
is on time payments.

Well, maybe
that's your problem.

Don't you think
this tub

Is way
beyond your means?

Of course it is.

If I lived at my means,
my life would be crap.

If you lived at my means,
your life would be crap.

Let me tell you something.
You're wishing you were me.

Look, I want to
buy this thing.

I can get it here or from
somebody else. Your choice.

Okay. Fine.

I really don't appreciate
these high-pressure tactics.

♪ [piano]

Woodchuck troop presents
the founding of Lanford.

[toot]

You know, Jackie,
it's just been too long.

We simply don't get
to the theatre often enough.

It all began on a dark
and cloudy day.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Do you have the articles
of incorporation

For the city of Lanford?

Yes, I have the articles
of incorporation

For the city of Lanford
right here.

Sign here.

And here.

And initial here.

[toot]

And so the city of Lanford
was founded

On November , .

[toot]

♪ [piano plays fanfare]

God, I just love it
when history comes alive.

Hey, Huckleberry Finn.

I thought I told you
not to go selling hot tubs

Dressed up
in your church clothes.

Been a rough day.

Hey, how was D.J.'s play?

Very real.

Almost brutal
in its honesty.

You okay?

I don't know
how people do this,

Selling stuff
that people don't need

To people
who can't afford it.

It's the American
dream, Dan.

My old man could do it.

That guy could sell
anything to anybody...

No matter what.

This is the first time
in my life

I admired him for being
such a bastard.

Oh...

Honey,

You'll always be
a bastard to me.

I guess
that's it for sales.

Some guys are made
to wear these,

Some guys aren't.

Well, it's just as well,

'cause, you know,
if you got a promotion,

We'd have go out
and find you a clip-on suit.

What do you want to do now?

I don't know, but i'm not
gonna let this discourage me.

There's a wonderful world
of opportunities out there.

Look at all those booths.

That's right, honey.

You are just as unskilled
as the next guy.

More so.

Incoming.

David,
what you doing here?

I'm just helping
because Molly left.

But Darlene served
all the sandwiches.

Let me smell your hands.

David, out.

The deal was that you were
supposed to help this family

Make back some of the money
that you cost us, okay?

The very next customer
that comes up here,

You are serving
a sandwich to.

Hi there. Could I have
a loose meat sandwich,
please?

Oh, my god!

We love you!
We love you!

Darlene, do you
know who this is?

Yeah, it's loretta lynn.

Would you like
some nice chips instead?

God! Oh, man, we're
such big fans of yours.

I'm Roseanne Connor,
and this is my daughter
Darlene,

And we're so proud

To have you patronize
our humble establishment.

Darlene, fix her
a sandwich.
No.

Darlene, don't
make me yell at you

In front of
a famous person.

Oh, did I mention i'd
like cheese on that, too?

How about just cheese?

How about just do it?
Can't.

Bet you would do it
for bucks.

This isn't about money.

How can I make you
get this?

This was once
a beautiful living thing

Until someone put
a bolt g*n to its head

And chopped it up,

And now you want me
to serve it to someone

So they can make their
stomach into a graveyard.

Hey, look, I don't mean
to interfere or nothing,

But I got to respect
the girl for saying
what she feels,

And I do, honey.

Thank you
for understanding.

Now hand me a great big
ol' gob of that meat

'cause i'm starvin'
to death.

Here you go, miss lynn.

I would like you
to accept this sandwich,

Uh,
from us on the house.

Thank you, honey,
and i'll see you later.

You just don't know
when to quit, do you?

You can't make someone
go against their principles.

What did you think
when you saw me as a baby,

"I hope she never
has the courage

To stand up
for her convictions"?

Okay, okay,
so you have convictions.

Just shut up about 'em!

God, thank you. Can I
turn in my apron now?

Yeah, yeah,
you're all done here.

But i'm still
gonna punish you.

Fine.

One loose meat, please.

And could you dip the bun
in the grease?

Ugh.

Why couldn't you have opened
a vegetarian restaurant?

Because people around these
parts do not eat that way.

There used to be
that place on elm

By the bookstore--
you know...

Uh, carl's
natural garden.

Who asked you?

The whole world's
going to hell,

But I can take comfort
in the fact

That i'm not a hypocrite.

Oh...

You think you're so
perfect, don't you?

Well, where do you think
they get that ink

That you use to draw
those comics of yours,
huh?

They get it from baby
squids, that's where!

They take
about a dozen of 'em

And shove 'em
into this machine

Where they get pinched
and squeezed and tortured

Until the ink
just sh**t out.

Why breathe?

That--that's not true,
is it?

Didn't I tell you
to shut up?

Sorry.

You shouldn't
lie to children.

Hey, when you've had
something inside your gut

Kicking and punching at you

And making you sick
every morning,

Then you can talk to me.

Yeah, right. I wouldn't
know what that's like.

At least not until
i've finished this sandwich.

Come on, Dan. Show me
what a man you are.

I really,
really want this one.

Come on! You couldn't hit
the broad side of a barn!

Come on, you flesh eaters,

You meat-sucking carnivores,

You blood-drinking
cow-K*llers!

That's it!

Oh, this is way
more relaxing

Than a hot tub!

Now, Loretta,

You've been married
about a million years,
right?

Uh, a million years
come August.

I got to ask you
something.

Now, you know tom has
his own show now,

And you know
how cute he is,

And all these women
are starting to look
at him more.

I really don't think
you have anything
to worry about,

Because he loves you
so much.

I really don't think
tom would ever cheat
on you.

Not unless he wants
his show to go on

After Richard Simmons'
deal-a-meal.

You know, this might
help us a little bit.

If we can sing about it,

We don't have to
talk about it.

you've come
to tell me something

you say I ought to know

that he don't
love me anymore

and I have to let him go

you say
you're gonna take him

oh, but I don't
think you can

'cause you ain't
woman enough

to take my man

women like you,
they're a dime a dozen

you can buy 'em anywhere

for you to get to him

i'd have to move over

and i'm gonna
stand right here

it'll be
over my dead body

so get out while you can

'cause you ain't
woman enough

to take my man

you women ain't
woman enough

to take our man