05x09 - Stand on Your Man

[bunniefuu]

Come on, D.J. It's not
every day your mother
opens a restaurant.

And you've got a really
important job to do.

Oh, look.
It's veal boy.

I hate this. I don't wanna
pass out any stupid fliers.

She's just jealous.

Now you go out there
and do us proud.

Remember, this was
your mother's idea.

D.J., D.J.

Say "moo"
for the camera.

Moo.

When he runs away, his
picture on the milk carton's

Gonna be very confusing.

He's not gonna run away.

He's much more likely
to get b*at up.

I'll be right back.

Jackie, what did you
do with the napkins?

What napkins?

God, you did order
napkins, didn't ya?

No, 'cause I didn't know
the exact right amount
of napkins to order.

Great. Now we have
the exact right
amount of napkins

For zero sandwiches.

Anything would be
better than that.

Hey, I have some
kleenex in my purse.

Here, Darlene.
Go get some napkins.

I can't get napkins
with cents.

Yeah, you can.
You go down there
to that chicken place

And buy a soda and then
steal all theirs.

Anything else you'd like?

Spoons, forks,
a chair?

So, are we ready for
the big grand opening?

[all]
yeah!

Okay. Let's do it.

Da! Da-da-da-da!
Da-da-da-da!

Yeah!
All right!

So, Jackie,
I hope you remembered

To buy the frame for
our first dollar bill.

Yes, it's right there
under the counter.

Was that such
a good idea?

I mean, shouldn't we re-invest
it back into the business?

Here it comes! Here it comes!
This is our first dollar.

Hi.

Wait, wait! Let me
get in position.

Okay, go.

I'd like a cup of coffee.

No problem. And?

And, uh, cream.

And?

And...Thank you
very much.

It's only
cents.

That's gonna look
lousy in a frame.

So, how about one of
our nice loose meat sandwiches

To go with the coffee?

No, thanks.

Would you like
a piece of pie?

No.
A cookie?

No.

Some gum?

Okay, Roseanne. All right.
We'll get it from
the next customer.

No. It's first customer,
first dollar.

That's the way it goes.

Let it go, Roseanne.

Okay, that'll
be cents.

Uh, do you have
a restroom?

It's around the back.

That'll be
cents.

[theme]

Well, don't get used
to my being home, Dan,

Because I got stuck with
the night shift again.

First mom calls in sick,

Then Fisher calls over
there to say he's sick,

Then Jackie starts whining
about her little snuffle bear

And that made me sick,

So I told her to go home.

So I get an hour off
so I can come over here

And make dinner
for my family.

[beeping]

Now what am I supposed to do
with the other minutes?

[sighs]

Dan!

Say, Dan, are you
even listening to me?

Arnie, what the hell
are you doing here?

Dan, get out here
and help me. Dan!

Oh, boy.
Calm down, honey!

Why would you even
let him into my house

After the way
he dumped Nancy?

I couldn't help it.
He was whimpering

And scratching
at the back door.

Rosie, this is the last
house I went to.

I went everywhere else I knew.

The lights were on,
cars were in the driveway,
but nobody was home.

It was really weird.

I was outside.

How could you tell Nancy
that you were abducted
by space aliens!

There's not even
a -step program for that!

Call her off, Dan!
Call her off!

You gotta appreciate
my situation here, arn.

She's my wife. I gotta
let her hurt ya.

I hear ya, buddy.

All right, I was a weasel to
snake out on Nancy like that,

But that marriage thing was
harder than I thought, you know?

One morning I woke up
and I couldn't breathe.

There was this heavy
weight on my chest.

It was Nancy.
She was trying to k*ll me.

So I got the hell
out of there.

But listen, i'm back and
I want to patch things up.

Well, Nancy happens to be
really happy right now,

So I don't want you to go
screwing with her life.

She's not with
another guy, is she?

Well, no.

That's great, 'cause then
i'm back in the saddle!

Listen, Dan, i'm gonna
go over there. Do me
a favor, smell me.

You can't just
go over there, Arnie.

A lot of things have
changed in this town
since you were here last.

Like what?

Like Nancy's a lesbian
and we got a new lenscrafters.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Come again?

Yes, Dan. Glasses in
less than an hour.

Nancy's gay? Our Nancy?
Arnie's Nancy?

Yes, and now
marla's Nancy.

Nancy's dating Marla?
Yowza!

Hey! I'll bet that
Marla's a lesbian, too.

All right. I'll see your two
and bump you two more.

Call.

I got a straight.

Straight, huh?
A straight?

Is that a cr*ck
about my ex-wife?

Whoa there, big guy. He
didn't mean anything by it.

Sorry.

Beats me. I just got
a pair of ladies.

That's it!

Come on!

Now, relax,
Arnie.

Sit down.

Nobody's judging you
because your ex-wife's
dating a woman.

Yeah, Arnie. It could
have happened to anybody.

Well, most people.
Oh, maybe just you.

Whose deal?
All right. Mine.

Well then, tell me
something, guys.

You got your
lesbians, right?

[all]
yeah.

How in the hell can
a woman be satisfied

By someone that does not
have the right equipment?

You can buy
the equipment.

[imitates engine revving]

[all laughing]

Okay, okay.
I don't get that,

But i'm telling you guys,
she had no complaints.

I've had a lot of women
fake it on me, and I can
always tell.

Maybe that's it, arn.
Maybe you're just so
darn good in the sack

That you ruined her
for other guys.

Nah.

Look, Arnie,
you can't blame yourself.

She's probably
always liked women.

So what are
you saying, Ty?

You saying
i'm like a woman?
That i'm womanly?

Is that what
you're saying?

Oh, it's...

It's pretty
ridiculous.

Right, guys?

Are you in, betty?

Yeah, and i'll
raise you two.

Make all the jokes
you want, guys.

I loved her,
and it still hurts.

We'd still be together
if I hadn't dumped her.

Sorry, arn.

Yeah, Arnie, we're all
really sorry,

And we all think
you're really manly,
don't we, guys?

[all] aye, a manly man.
Arrgghh!

Absolutely. And, uh...

I'll see you two,
and i'll bump you two more.

That's too rich
for my blood. I fold.

A real man wouldn't fold.

All right, I call.

What do you got?

An eight.

Thank you, and be sure
to tell all your friends.

Hey, I don't mean
to bug you or anything,

But it's getting to be,
like, : ,

And I need
to close up now.

[english accent]
can I have
some more coffee?

Well, like, all that's left
is just sediment in the pot.

But hey, how about
five or six packets of sugar

To help you with
your next drum solo?

I said can I have
some more coffee!

Yeah. Okay. Calm down.
I'll get you some coffee.

I'm not doing anything,
okay?

You don't have
to call anybody.

I wasn't gonna call anybody.
I'm just getting your coffee.

Okay, here. I put it in
a "to go" cup, you know,

'cause i'm sure you want to,
you know, go.

[telephone rings]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

Why didn't you call me
the minute this guy sat down?

'cause he didn't do anything
when he first sat down.

I'm gonna drive around
and look for this guy.
What did he look like?

He just looked like
a regular lunatic, you know?

Could you be
more specific?

Yeah, okay, he looks
like the kind of guy

That darlene's
gonna bring home

And we're gonna have
to call "son."

You're not helping,
Roseanne.

I gotta do something here,

And I think it requires
physical v*olence.

Would you just
calm down, Dan?

Just give me a minute
to get myself together here.

Please get me a beer.

And when i'm done,
i'll let you crush the can.

Man, you got
women there alone.

I'd feel a hell of
a lot better

If you started
closing before dark.

No, we'll just make sure
there's always at least

Two of us on
each shift, okay?

It'll probably
never happen again.

You don't know that.

Would you consider
getting a g*n
for the diner?

Oh, there's a great idea.

A loaded g*n
in the same room with
my mother and my sister.

What if they miss each other
and they k*ll a customer?

Then they'll have
to reload.

Come on, Roseanne.
This is important.

We'll teach you
how to use it.

No, forget about it. No.

This is serious,
Roseanne.

You gotta do something
about this.

You gotta do it now.

What'd I do?

Nothing.
Really?

Your mother had a run-in
with some creep
at the diner tonight,

And she won't
listen to reason.

Are you okay?
Yeah.

He didn't rob us
or nothing.

He just kept wanting me
to give him more coffee.

Mom...

That's a customer.

So Arnie came by
my apartment last night.

He thinks he can
win me back,

Like i'm some big
lesbian trophy.

I'd still like to know
who told him I was gay.

Oh, I think
Jackie told him.

The guy is unbelievable.

He even brings me
some trashy lingerie.

Man, tacky underwear.
That's so Arnie.

Ugh! He is such a pig.

But it looks great
on Marla.

Hey.
Hi.

I'd like a table with
a view of the cute
waitress, please.

Ha! Stupe.

What are you doing here?

Hey! I got shoes.
I got shirt.
I want service.

I'll have the usual.

Well, i'm busy. Would you
rather have a sandwich?

I think i'll start
with drinks.

Perhaps a large orange,
no ice.

And maybe some
appetizers.

Are your chips
good tonight?

How long do you plan
to be here on
psycho patrol, Dan?

Till closing.

That is just
not possible, Dan.

Because if you sit here
and watch me serving
people food and cleaning up,

Then that will take
all the romance out of it
when I do it at home.

If you're not gonna do
anything about this,

I'm gonna stay here
and make sure you're safe.

It's my job.

It's what you
pay me for.

I'm handling it, okay?

See? See that sticker
over there on the door?

"this premises protected
by the lantron security
alarm systems."

Where'd you get that?

I stoled it.

I feel safer already.

You gotta go, Dan,
or i'm gonna have
to come over there

And throw you out.

You're gonna
throw me out?

Come on, Dan.

I don't have time
for your macho
Robert De Niro crap.

Come on now.

You couldn't throw somebody out
if you had to, woman.

Oh, you're so mature.

Jackie! Nancy!

This creep giving you
trouble, Roseanne?

Yes. He keeps insisting
he's my husband

And he won't leave.

Jackie, you get his legs.
Here, you got his arms.

I'll get the rest.

Uhh! Uhh!

All right.
I got it.

Aah! Aah! Oh! Oh!

Dammit, Roseanne.

You're not gonna know some
maniac's special tickle spot.

Obviously, I do.

Okay. Okay.

You don't want me here?
I'm gone.

But you can't get
rid of me that easy.

I'll be sitting
out front in my car.

Man, is he stubborn.

I think I pulled
something.

Oh, you know,
he just means well.

He's worried about us,

Wants to make sure
we're all, you know, safe.

What are you doing?

Oh, i'm just gonna
get his car towed.

Aargh!

Hyah!
Hyah!

Aaahhh-hyah!

It's not that hard,
Roseanne.

I took this self-defense
class when I was on
the force. It's great.

Hyah!

Yeah, i'm sure it will
come in handy

If i'm ever att*cked
by a crazed piece of plywood.

Wow. I didn't know they turned
this into a karate place.

Last time I was here it was
'taters, 'taters, 'taters.

Excuse me, ladies.

We're trying to put on
a demonstration here.

Aaaahhh!

Hyah!

God, buy a saw.

With a mouth like that,
you need self-defense.

Ordinarily,
i'd get mad at that,

But i'd hate for
the last thing I ever see

To be his forehead
coming at me.

Don't worry about him,
Roseanne.

That's not what we're
gonna be studying.

This is what we're
gonna be studying.

No! No! No!

Wow. Cool.

Now remember,
we'll be simulating
real att*cks here.

So I want you to fight back
as hard as you can.

Any questions?

Yes? Rosie?

When are you gonna bring out
that guy in the suit?

'cause i'd like to kick
that guy in the suit.

We'll get there
very soon.

Okay. Now, passivity
is your worst enemy.

So the first thing
we learn to do here
is to say no to men.

You sure
you took this class?

This "no" gets you in
touch with your power.

So what's the first
thing you say

To a man who wants
to hurt you?

[all]
no!

Good. Very good.

All right. I'd like to
introduce our attacker
for this evening.

His name is Fred.

[Roseanne] yay!
[instructor]
no, boo!

[all]
boo!

The first thing
we're gonna do
is frontal att*cks.

Any volunteers?

Rosie?

Okay.
Save some for me.

I'm gonna show you
a simple way

To take down a -pound
assailant, all right?

First thing
I want you to do

Is clump your fingers
together like this.

Oh, yeah, I get it.

And then when he tries to
guess what animal i'm making,

I knee him in the crotch.

No, you're gonna use
your fingers

To strike your assailant
in the eye.

No!

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Hey, could you do that
to a guy that's still asleep,

Or would that be unfair?

Then after
the eye strike,

That's when I want you
to knee him in the groin.

No!

Don't worry.
He's well protected.

Now, the last step
is a knockout blow.

When Fred takes you
to the ground,

I want you to kick him
in the head

Until he puts his hands
in front of his face
and I blow the whistle.

That means stop.
Okay.

You ready?
Yeah.

All right.

Now, a lot of women find
this very traumatic.

Your first instinct
may be to panic,

Stop breathing,
even run.

So you just do
the best you can.

Okay.
All right?

All right.

Rosie is ready.
Hey, you!

Hey!
Ow!

[instructor]
hit him! Hit him!

Kick him hard! Kick him!

[blows whistle]

[women cheering]

Hey, that's fun.

Do you have a home version
of that game?

All right. Let's talk
about our attacker's
vulnerable spots.

Yo, Nancy!
Oh, god!

Don't mean to bother
you women,

But I need to speak
to that chick right
over there real quick.

You want me to go
kick him in the head for ya?

Ugh! It won't make
any difference.

I'll be right back.

Arnie, what the hell
are you doing here?

Why won't you
talk to me, Nance?

I'm gonna tell you
one more time.

I'm gay.

It has nothing to do with you
or your masculinity.

Of course it doesn't.

I'm still every bit
the man I always was.

Last night, I b*at up
three guys in a topless
bar to prove it.

I mean,
you just don't get it.

It's about love, trust,
and commitment.

What we had
was not natural.

I can accept that,

And I know that we won't
get back together.

But that doesn't mean
you and me can't, you know,

Do it one more time,
you know?

Swine.

All right. If it's about
that Marla broad,

You can bring her along.
Arnie!

Okay, okay!
Can I at least watch
or something?

You know, I wanna
be in there somewhere!

No!

[women cheering]

Come on out here, Dan.

I want you to see I can
take care of myself.

Now get your butt
out here.

Now, do you have on
all your equipment?

Yeah.

Like i'm gonna need it.

Okay, well,
now go over there,

And then when
I tell you to,
you're gonna come at me.

But I want you
to really, really
come at me.

Oh, come on, Roseanne.

I was all-district
offensive lineman
three years in a row.

Are you gonna bore me
into unconsciousness

Or are you gonna
put on that hat?

Oh, hurt me.

Okay. Come on, Dan.

I'm ready for ya.
Come on.

What is that, a chicken?

Ow! My eye! My eye! Ow!

We're losing patience
with you, human.

You were supposed to bring
back the female specimen

For breeding stock.

Yeah, well, she's not
into that anymore.

Now we will have to
cross-breed him

With one of
the other species.

How about the cactipoony?

Cactipoony. That sounds good.
I like a little variety.

Good idea.

We'll have the female
defanged immediately.

Wait a minute, guys. Wait.
I got even a better idea.

Why don't you give me a new
mission? Why don't I go down
there and mutilate some cows?

Don't worry, human.

We have vastly improved
our cross-breeding system

Since the last time we
tried to pollinate you.

Well, I hope so. You gotta be
a little more careful when
you're pickin' my dates.

The last one, I had to put
bags on two of her heads.

Michael, Michael,
what are you doin'?

I wasn't in enough scenes.
You aren't

In this scene either. Look,
it's Arnie and the aliens.

I want to be an alien.

All right, guys, b*at it.

Oh, geez. Six hours
of makeup for this?

You know, you do look
kinda like a little spock.

Don't ya? You know
spock's-- do that.

Look like a little
spock, don't ya?

Hear about my new show?
Um, a little bit.

What'd you hear?
Good things?

Yeah.
Like what?