05x05 - Pretty in Black

[bunniefuu]

[tv blaring]
so you want to do
something tonight?

We're spending
the day together.
That's enough.

How about
this weekend?

I don't know.
I'll let you know
tomorrow.

Darlene,
we have to talk.

Ever since we started
going out, it's like...

You have all the power
in this relationship,
and I have nothing.

Yeah?

Okay.

I need a soda.
Oh, there's only
left.

Do you want ice?
[knock at door]

Hi, I'm Molly Tilden.
My family just
moved in next door.

And you're telling
me this because...

My dad said the owner
gave you guys the keys.

Oh, yeah. They're
in the kitchen.
Come on in.

I'm Darlene.

That's David.

Every house
should have one.

Hi, I'm Molly.

My dad got transferred here
from Iowa. We're renting
the house next door.

Oh, well, the Conners
are a pretty cool family.

I'm not one of them,
but, uh...

Oh, hold on a minute.
Your tag is out.

Thanks.

Here's your key.

Thanks. Okay, it was
nice meeting you guys.
I'll see you around.

I'll see you at school.

[door shuts]
she seemed nice.

[exhales]

Oh, hey,
hold on a minute.

Your tag's out.

[theme]

[Roseanne laughing]

Hey.
Hi.

So, did fisherman
dump you yet?

No, but thanks
for asking.

Well, I was just checking,
because Dan me our new
next-door neighbor,

And it turns out
that he's, like,
a single dad.

So?
So I was thinking,
you know,

New guy in town,
and he's single,

He don't know
nothing about you.

Nice enough to
bring you lunch.

From where?

Nowhere.
Just a little
sandwich shop I know.

Is it that loose-meat
thing from iowa?
Yeah.

No!
Now, Roseanne,
look.

I know it's a risk,
but mom gave us
both $ , ,

And I really think
this business could
take off.

Yeah, or go
right down the tubes.

I mean,
poverty is grand,
but we've done that.

Come on.
Just taste it.
What are you afraid of?

That you're gonna love it
and you're gonna want to
do this with me.

No, I just don't want to
eat anything that's been
[door shuts]

Fermenting on your
dashboard in your
stinky truck for hours.

I'm starving.
Please feed me.

Thank you, jeannie.

Oh, that's terrific!
What is that?

Oh, just from a great
little restaurant
I know in iowa.

Yeah? Could you go back
and get me some fries?

Okay, my birthday's
on Friday,

I'm turning ,
I'm getting my license.

Can I have a car?
No.

Eh, it was
worth a sh*t.
Way to commit, Darlene.

Well, how about getting
Becky's car running again?

It's just been sitting
in the driveway for months.

I don't know.
We'd have to kick
those gypsies out.

Car's sh*t, Darlene.
Well, you could fix it.

Yeah, Dan, you could use
those hours that you waste
between midnight and

Just laying there
in the bed unconscious.

I'll take a sh*t,
but I don't think
it'll work.

So any more dreams
we can crush for you,
Darlene?

No, that'll
just about do it.

Happy birthday,
though.

Man, her sweet .
Amazing.

You know, you really
ought to do something
special for her.

You mean passing
her big head

Through my loins
wasn't enough?

What?
Nothing.

I know something
you don't know

What?
Nothing.

Then get out.
Okay,

But it's really good.

What?
Nothing.

Okay, that's it.
Let me go!

Don't make me shave
your eyebrows again.

Mom's giving you
a sweet
birthday party, okay?

Oh, my god!

Is she planning
a surprise party
for me?

Who?
My psycho freak
of a mother.

Is she planning to throw me
some sort of white-trash
debutante ball?

Don't be silly.
A party for you?
Please.

Drop it.
Rat boy already talked.

Hair up
would be nice.

There's no way in hell
I'm going through with that.
Cancel the clown.

Whoa, hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it,
hold it. Look,

I know how wrong it is for
someone like you who is so
in touch with the dark forces

To have a sweet .

Thank you.
But it's a party.
Come on.

Some cake, ice cream,
presents, a few friends...

You invited my friends?

Yeah, she seemed like
a very sweet girl.

My life sucks enough
without this extra
humiliation.

In case you haven't noticed,
things haven't been exactly
great for anyone around here.

This stupid party means
a lot to your mom.
Why?

I don't know.
Maybe it gives her something
to look forward to.

Maybe she doesn't know how to
tell you she loves you anymore.
You scare the hell out of us.

Yeah, likewise.

Please, I'd consider it
a personal favor.
I'd owe you big-time.

How big?
Real big.

Like, "d.J.
Needs a new lung,

But Darlene's leather
jacket comes first"?

Okay, jacket
before lung.

I can't believe I'm
going through with this.

Well, maybe I'll get lucky
and choke on my free meal
at lenny's.

Denny's.

Jackie, would you hurry up?
I got to wash that
tablecloth for the party.

Just doing my whites.
I'll save the rest
for later.

! It's hard to believe
how fast they grow up.

Yeah. Boy, it seems
like just yesterday

I was teaching her
how to hold her
little pinky flat

When she flipped
people off.

Remember when
we were and we said
we wanted to die

Before we were
and we got all
old and gross?

Yeah, I'd totally
forgotten about that.

And here...
Here you are,
turning .

Isn't that a riot?

Yeah.

[knock at door]

Hey.
Hey.

Is the coast clear?
Yeah, yeah, come in.
Did you get the camera?

Yep.
Oh, good. Okay.

Uh, my mom was
a little funny about
me taking it,

But as long as
you're careful
with it...

Well, it's not like
I haven't had a hundred
cameras or anything.

[doorbell rings]
Jackie, would you
get that?

So, how do you
get the film in?

I'll load it.
I'll load it.

Roseanne, these girls
just moved into the
buman house next door.

Hi, I'm molly.
This is my older
sister, charlotte.

Hi, I'm Roseanne.
This is my older
sister, Jackie.

Charlotte made us
some cookies.

"us"? Since when
do you live here?
Give me them.

They're really
nothing special.
[Jackie] no, charlotte.

That was so nice of you.
You know, Roseanne, that plate
looks just like yours.

Well, we found
a whole set
in the dishwasher.

Oh, yeah.

I must've forgotten
to take that last
load out.

You guys moved in
so damn fast.

It's ready.
Okay, great.

David these are
our new neighbors.
This is molly,

And that's charlotte
edging her way out
the door over there.

Hey, David.
You're here a lot.

Yeah, you too.
You guys know
each other?

Yeah, we met before.

Tag's in.

Yeah.

Darlene!
Get down here now!

Darlene's here?
Is it okay if I
go up and get her?

You have met Darlene,
haven't you?

Yeah.
She seemed nice.

Okay.
Well, yeah.

Go on up.
It's second door
on the right.

And if I don't get
to see you again,
thanks for the cookies.

See you tonight.
Nice meeting you.
Yeah.

So, charlotte...

Okay, charlotte,
that's enough
about you.

Come on over here,

Stop that yakking
and help us out
with these cookies.

Hello?
Darlene?

Hey. Your mom's
calling you.

Who's talking,
please?

It's me, molly.

Oh, right.
The tag patrol.

You always barge into
strange people's bathrooms
without knocking?

I'm sorry. I didn't
think it'd be a big deal.
I wanted you to meet my sister.

Oh, bring her up.
Bring the whole
family up.

Got a dog?

Hey, it's okay.
You can just
meet her later.

I'll just hang here
and keep you company.

So what are
you doing?

Interpretive dance.

No, seriously.
I'm dyeing my hair black.

Really? Why?

Well, my mom's throwing me
this really stupid party,
and I want to tick her off.

Hey, you know,
when I want to make
my dad really mad,

I wear my bright
red lipstick.

Oh, you rebel!

You know,

Maybe I should
dye my hair.

This one time,
I thought about doing
something really drastic.

I almost cut
all my hair off like
Demi Moore in Ghost.

You know what's
funny here, Molly?

You keep talking
to me like
I'm listening.

Okay, I can
take a hint.

You know, you come off
real sarcastic and all,

But I got a feeling
we're gonna become
really good friends.

Bye.

Happy birthday, Darlene.

Stop pretending
there's no party, David.
I knew about it days ago.

Darlene, there is no party.
Now, come on.
We're gonna be late.

Oh, man.
The power must've
gone out.

You sicken me.

Okay, look.
So they're throwing you
a stupid party.

Come on.
We'll just go in
and laugh at it.

All right.
Open the door
and shove me hard.

[all]
surprise!

it is the night
we've waited for

because you're
not a baby

anymore

you've turned into
the prettiest girl
we've ever seen

happy birthday,
sweet

Oh, now, you didn't
think we'd let your
th birthday go by

Without a proper conner
celebration, did you?

Oh, your hair.

I love your hair!

Oh, doesn't
the princess
look grown up?

Oh, look at her.
She's got a bosom.

Get in with
the birthday girl.

Come on, get together,
get together!

Make sure you
get the button.
Yeah, and make it fast,

Because the quicker
we're done here, the faster
we get to the dance contest!

Okay, , , , cheese!

Cheese!

Okay, now, just one
of the birthday girl.

Okay, Darlene, here,
think fast.
[flashbulb pops]

What are these for?
Well, it's amazing.

Becky's car seems to
be running fine now.
And here.

I think this ought to be enough
to buy you and your fellow
creatures dinner and a movie.

They're waiting for you
at the pizza king.

Surprise!
We want you to leave!

Yes! That's just what
I always wanted!

Well, I know my kid.

So wait. You mean
this whole party thing
was just a big joke?

You put me through hell!
Well, that was
kind of for us.

Maybe she just doesn't
know how to tell you
she loves you anymore.

Sucker!

So, you're not
gone yet?
Leaving.

Oh, Darlene?
Yeah.

I hate your hair.

Thanks, mommy!

At my sweet ,
my mother made us
wear white gloves

And eat these
teeny sandwiches.

Ew!
It was so
nauseating!

Mine was great. Me and my
friends waited for hours in
the rain to see three dog night.

Oh, I remember mine.

Me and Dan went and got
really drunk and had sex.

All right.
That sounds like
a great birthday!

If I'd have known then
how many years I had
ahead of me

To get drunk
and have sex with Dan,
I would've had the party.

Remember how exciting
it was when we were

And we had to sneak around
to be with our boyfriends--
remember that?

Yeah, sometimes when
me and Dan are having sex,

I'll call my mom up
and tell her I'm
over at debbie's.

Sex was so great then.
It just doesn't have that
kind of passion anymore.

Oh, come on. You and Arnie
were all over each other.
Yeah.

Yeah, we had
mind-shattering
orgasms,

But it was kind of
lacking romance.

You had orgasms?

Yeah, but I was looking
for poetry and flowers.

Instead I got limericks
and edible panties.

The weird thing is,
after you've been with
your husband for a while,

Your priorities change,
you know what I mean?

Sex and romance--
eh, they're not what
they used to be.

More punch?
You know I am.

Yeah, I used to love it
when Dan could go
all night, you know.

Now I really love it
when he just sleeps.

I got stuff to do.

We sound like a bunch
of old, married women.

This is supposed to be
a party. I think we
should play a game.

Oh, you're right.
This is a sweet party.

How about we play
truth or dare?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who's gonna be first?
Me! Me!
Ask me first.

Okay.
Truth or dare?

I'll take truth.

When was the last time
you were felt up
at the movies?

Oh, that's a good one.
It was last night.

Oh, come on!

Oh, no!
You went to the movies
by yourself last night.

I did not!
I did not!

I went with fisher.

Oh.
Okay, you're through.
You're boring me.

Okay, my turn.
Okay, I'll take this one.

I'll take this one.
Truth or dare.

Uh, truth.
Okay.

Wouldn't you
really like

To be partners
with me and Nancy
in our new restaurant?

You and Nancy?

Yeah, I'm going in
on the business too.
Isn't that wild?

You guys are gonna
do it without me?

You said you didn't
want to do it.

No, I didn't.

I said
I couldn't do it.

What's the difference?
There's a huge
difference, Jackie.

"i don't want to do it"
means you can go ahead
and do it yourself,

But "i can't do it"
means you can't
do it either.

So you are interested.

Truth?
I'm taking dare.

No, no, she said truth!
Double dare, double dare,
double dare, double dare!

Okay. Double dare. Okay.
I double dare you

To, um, go out
to the mud porch,

Take off your shirt,
run screaming through
the backyard

Into the garage,
and flash Dan.
[women hooting]

Oh, flash my husband
of years--
it's so risque.

You got to do it,
Roseanne.
I know! I'm gonna do it!

Jeez, shut up!

Next thing, you're gonna
dare me to have kids.
Keep moving. Come on.

I know.
Why don't you dare me
to make a meat loaf. Ooh!

Come on.
I'm going.
Okay.

So damn stupid,
I can't believe it.

Oh, and no bra.

It's cold out here!
Double dare.

I'm gonna
b*at you up later.
Looking forward to it.

[Roseanne yelling]

She's catching speed!
Look at her!
Good form!

Hey, let's
lock her out.

Let's turn on
the sprinklers.
Wait. Here she comes.

Oh, my god, oh, my god,
oh, my god, oh, my god.
What's wrong?

[excited chattering

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
What?

Rosie?

I'd like you to
meet our new neighbor,
Ty tilden.

Ty, this is
my wife, Roseanne.

Well, you sure know
how to make a guy

Feel welcome.

[Dan laughing]

It's not
that funny.
Yes, it was!

It was a classic!

You're supposed to
say something to
make me feel better.

Okay. Well, I don't think
Ty got hit with anything.

No, but you did.

All right. I'll never
mention it again.

Good.

Hey, Dan?
Happy birthday.

Huh?
Well,

You know this idea
that Jackie's got about
this loose-meat sandwich place?

It's really stupid,
isn't it?

I don't know.
It's sure a tough time
to open a business.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.
It is really stupid.

Okay.
Good night.

'course, it would be
kind of cool to have
something of my own.

You know, I've
never had that.

What are you talking about?
Everything that's mine
is yours.

Yeah, well,
your stuff's no good.

Oh, just forget
I even brought it up.

Okay?
Good night.
Night.

Well, it's not
that crazy.
You know.

Are you kidding?
After what we went through
with the bike shop?

Yeah, but like
Jackie says,
you know,

This place,
it's got, like, a line
around the block,

And you loved
the sandwich,

So I'm just thinking, when
are we ever gonna get another
chunk of money like this?

And I just think,
you know,
we spend it,

And we have nothing
to show for it except for
some stack of paid bills.

We could learn to live
with that, Roseanne.

Yeah.

Listen to me.
I sound just
like Jackie.

Okay, I'm not
bringing it up again.
Good night.

Well, you're right
about the money from bev.
It's only gonna last so long.

Well, yeah, but we
can make it stretch.

Yeah, for of months,
and we're right back
where we were before,

Living week to week.

Well, I don't know.
Shouldn't the money go
to d.J.'s college

Or... Towards
Darlene's bail?

It'll never last
that long.

If this business sticks,
then we got a sh*t at
something better.

I don't know, Dan.

"Roseanne Conner,

Loose-meat queen."

Sounds good.
Yeah.

Classy.

Take the sh*t, honey.

Oh, all right,
if it means that
much to you.

I just want you
to be happy.

Thank you, dear.

Of course, you know
if it fails,
I'm gonna blame you.

Wouldn't have it
any other way.

tra-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la

happy birthday,
sweet

tra-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la

happy birthday,
sweet

tonight's the night

I've waited for

because you're
not a baby

anymore

you've turned into
the prettiest girl

I've ever seen

happy birthday
sweet

tra-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la

happy birthday
sweet

tra-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la

happy birthday
sweet