05x01 - Terms of Estrangement (1)

[bunniefuu]

I told you,
my mom's not here.

He's not here either.
I'm all alone.

[whispering]
and I don't know anything
about electric bills.

And I don't know anything
about electric bills.

Do you know you're
months behind?

Hey, I'm just a little kid,
and you're scaring me.

Hey, I'm just a little kid,
and you're scaring me.

Oh, nice parenting,
mother.

D.J.'s gonna turn out
more screwed up than
the rest of us.

Yeah, well, by the time
the third one comes along,

You should have
the hang of it.

They want to call
dad at work.

No! Tell them
he's not there.

He's out trying to
find you a new kidney.

Just say you don't
have the number.

And hurry up.
I'm waiting for
a call from Mark.

I don't got the number.
Okay? Bye.

That a boy, Deej.

Can I go now?
In a minute. Um...

I'm real sorry
I made you lie.

You know I wouldn't
if I didn't have to.

Yeah, I know.
'cause it's not
cool to lie.

You know that, right?
I've told you that before.

It's just, well,
sometimes

We have to lie in order
to protect ourselves

From all the evil
people out there who
seek to destroy us.

Got it?
Got it.
Now can I go?

Yeah.

[ringing]
hey, hey, hey.
You'd better get that.

It might be those evil
easter seal people.

Hello?
Oh, hi, Mark.

Yeah, Becky's here.
I'll go get her.

Didn't I teach you
anything?

♪ [theme]

[Roseanne laughing]

It was nothing like
the boob job.

They just sucked the fat
out with a vacuum.

How much
did they suck out.
Some.

A lot?
Enough.

Did they have to
change the bag?

What is your point?
It don't look
no different.

I was so depressed
when I got the separation
papers from Arnie,

I just had to do something
to make myself more desirable.

Yeah. Guys just
can't resist

A chick with
a hemorrhoid pillow.

Hey.

Expecting a water
landing, Nance?

Oh, that's it.
I got to go soak.

Way to go, Dan.
She just had surgery

Because of her
low self-esteem.

You walk in here
and kick her like a dog.

Say something nice
about her butt, Dan.

Very jaunty.

Come on, Nancy.
I'll drive you home.

This time I won't go
over the railroad tracks.

Oh, I keep
misjudging it now.

So how'd it go
at the bank?

Well, we chatted about
the recession for a while,
don't you know.

Then I gave him my "things
are bound to be better
after the election" speech.

Then they said,
"you're months behind
on your first mortgage,

" months behind on your
second. We want our money
by Friday. And here,

Have a calendar."

Look.
Kittens in a basket.

Dan, I'm done with that
manifold back there.

Hey.
Hey, Mark.

So you want me to
come in again tomorrow?
I don't think so.

Well, can you give me
a rough idea when you
might need me again?

Well, the way
things are going,
here's your days off.

That bad, huh?

Look, things are pretty
rocky right now.

Why don't we take this
on a day-to-day basis?

Okay. If you need me,
you know where to call.

[Dan]
thanks a lot,
buddy.

Okay, Dan, so what
are we gonna do?

They want their money, babe.
Well, tell them
they can't have it!

Can't we just
give 'em the truck?
We hate the truck.

What will we
live in, dear?
[gasps]

Oh, god, Dan,
they don't want the house?
No, they don't want the house.

Well, that's a relief.

No, they said they really
don't want the house,
but they'll take it.

Turns out it's
worth less than they
loaned us for it.

What kind of bank makes
some stupid investment
like that?

Hey, we're taking
our money elsewhere.

That was their
suggestion.

Well, so now what?

You pour the gasoline,
I'll light the match.

Oh, damn.
Yeah, damn.

I knew we shouldn't
have gone into business
for ourselves.

There's nobody
to steal from.

Hey, I'm just a little kid
and I'm all alone,
and you're scaring me.

Who was that?
Grandma.

Where's your sister?
Upstairs.

Becky,
get down here!

What's going on?
Family meeting, Deej.

All right,
I'm going.

What's up?
Pull up a chair,
Beck.

Oh, god.
These are always
bad news.

What are you worried
about, Becky? How much
worse could our lives suck

Than they already
do now?

Well, it's taken us
a while, Darlene,

But I think we
really hit the jackpot
this time.

Your mother and I
have decided to
close the bike shop.

We're having a "going out
of business" sale and then
locking the doors on Friday.

And I don't have a job,
so that means no income.
How'd we do?

What are we gonna
do for money?

Well, I'm gonna go
back to dry-walling

And maybe repair
a couple of bikes
out of the garage,

And until things pick up,
it's gonna be pretty
tight around here.

So it's just a real
good thing that we
never gave you anything,

Or this could come
as a painful blow.

Wait a second.
What's gonna
happen to Mark?

He's a good mechanic.
He'll find something.

You are gonna help him
find another job,
aren't you?

I don't have a job

And your mother
doesn't have a job,

But we'll make Mark
our first priority.

How is he gonna pay the rent?
He has an apartment.

Looks like you're back
to making heel marks on
the ceiling of his car, Beck.

Shut up, dar.

You know, Beck,

I don't know why, but
I thought maybe the first words
out of your mouth might be,

"sorry you lost your business,
dad. We know how much
it meant to you."

I guess it's gonna sound
a lot less sincere now
when I say it.

This is great.
This is just great.
Hey!

Let it go.
It ain't worth it.

So do you have anything
that you want to say?

Can I have a pony?

Bye.

Mom?
Yeah?

If you want it, I still
have some birthday money
I hid in my closet.

Ohh.

No, you don't,
but thanks anyway, Deej.

Mark?
Mm-hmm?

How about that new garage
on Waukegan Road?

Come on, Becky.

No, I stopped there for gas,
and it took a really long time
for someone to come out.

I think they might
need somebody.
Maybe it was self-serve.

Okay, okay.

We can talk more
about this tomorrow.

I got to go in.
This isn't exactly
the time to miss curfew.

Bye.

I did get
one job offer.

You're kidding.
Where?

Rick called me today
from Minneapolis.

Yeah?
Well, there's an opening
where he works.

The job's mine
if I want it.

Well, do you want it?

Well, it pays times
what I made working
for your dad.

They'd let me
join the union.
I'd be set.

Why are you telling me
this now? We've been
together all afternoon.

I don't know. I guess
I just didn't know
how to tell you.

You knew how to tell me.

You just wanted to get me
in bed one last time
before you dumped me.

What are you talking about?
You just didn't
want me mad at you.

You're always mad at me,
and that's never
stopped us before.

Besides, I'm not dumping you.
What do you call
moving to Minneapolis?

It doesn't mean
we have to break up.
Yeah, well, think about it.

I mean, you're gonna out there,
partying with your friends.

You're gonna meet
somebody else,

And I'm gonna be
stuck down here
spending my nights

Watching Bonanza
with Dan and Roseanne!
No way!

Hey, I didn't say
I was gonna go.

Look,

If you don't want me
to take the job,

I won't take it.

I can't tell you
what to do.

Don't go.

Okay.
Yeah, sure.

I won't go.

You mean it?
You won't?

I said so, didn't I?

Oh, I love you
so much.

Subtle, mom.

Look, I got to
go in.

So what are you
doing tomorrow?

[scoffs]
guess I'm looking
for a job.

Well, I'll come with.

Hey, everything's gonna
be great, okay?

Bye.

♪ [theme from Bonanza]

[Roseanne]
these cereal bowls aren't gonna
clean themselves, Darlene.

Did you hear me?
Darlene?

Darlene!
Mom wants you.

Bite me.

Uh-oh.

Somebody needs
a hug!

Just go away, okay?

What's wrong with you?
Nothing.
I'm just tired.

No wonder.
You were tossing
and turning all night.

What, do you watch me
while I sleep?

Yes, Becky.
You fascinate me.

You know, sometimes
the drool on your pillow...

It isn't always yours.

God, I hate you.
Just go to school.

Aren't you gonna
give me a ride?
I'm not going.

You'll have to get to
detention by yourself today.

You're cutting school?

But you like high school,
Becky, remember?
You're a geek.

I'm helping Mark
find a job.

Oh, that's a great idea.
I'll cut too and help him
find his shoes.

I'm going along for
the support, Darlene.

I don't know why
you even bother.

It's not like
anybody's gonna hire
the amazing idiot boy.

Oh, yeah? Well,
the amazing idiot boy

Got offered a great job
in Minneapolis.

Then why is
he still looking?

Because he decided to find
something around Lanford.

Wait a minute.

You mean, he had a chance
to get out of this hole,
and he's not?

God, he just made king
of the idiot boys.

He's doing it
for me, okay?

He said he'd stay
if I wanted him to,
and I said stay.

Good boy, Mark!

Hey, maybe now you can
train him not to drink
out of the toilet.

I didn't force him.
He asked me.

Hey, relax, Becky.
It's not like I care.

God, why in the hell
do I talk to you?
I know what I'm doing.

Oh, sure. I mean, actually
you're doing him a favor
by keeping him here.

Now when he
fulfills his destiny
as a big, fat loser,

He'll have someone
to blame.

Listen to this.
"Mavis Mcgowan, ,

"beloved wife of Arthur,
sister of Helen,

"of a heart att*ck
Tuesday morning.

Cherished long-time
receptionist at
the Lanford clinic."

Oh, that's too bad.

But I couldn't be
a receptionist.
You got to know how to type.

Read me another one.
I can't believe we
didn't find anything.

I mean, people
with perfectly good jobs
d*ed last week.

Well, I'm not qualified
for those jobs.

Didn't somebody get their head
caught in an orange julius
machine or something?

Hang in there.
We'll keep looking.

Oh, there's nothing
to choose from.

It's too bad there's not
a holiday weekend coming up.

Roseanne, there's
a printing company moving
into the old wilman plant.

So?
So, listen to this.
"no experience required.

No references needed.
No training necessary""

Wow! Hurray, at last!
A crappy job!

When's the interview?
This morning at .

Oh, well, I can't go,
because I told Dan
I'd be down at the shop.

You know, it's the last day.
Oh, well, you can be
a little late for that.

Or I'll cover for you.
I swear, I'll sell
my butt off.

Maybe the interview
wouldn't take that long.

Yeah, come on.
Let me do it for you.

Please, let me
do it for you.

God, is this what
you're like on a date?

Well, I'm gone.

Isn't Becky
driving you to school?

No, not today.
Why not?

She had some stuff to do.
It's no biggie.

But she is going
to school, right?

Well, of course she is.

Yeah.

I want you to look
into my eyes and tell me
that you're not lying.

Mom, that only
works on D.J.

Then you have nothing
to worry about.

I'm not lying.

Hmm, hmm.

Well, I know everything
I need to know.

You can go.

Was she lying?
I don't know.
It only works on D.J.

Becky, get down here!

Now, Roseanne, you got
to get to the interview.
You don't have time for a fight.

It's not a fight.
It's-it's an ambush.

Morning, everybody.
Great day to go
belly-up, isn't it?

Boy, you're in
good spirits.

Well, it just feels like one
of those days that starts off
with a hearty breakfast

And ends with some guy
on the news saying,

"before turning
the g*n on himself..."

So now I have to
make you breakfast?
Honey,

I won't have
the strength to reload.

All right. Sit down.
I'll fix you something.

Well, better make it
quick, Roseanne.
Got to get going.

Going where?
Well, I got
a job interview.

Honey, today's
the last day at the shop.
I need you to help out.

Well, I know that,
but Jackie will be there.

Yeah, but you
know the inventory.
She doesn't know what goes.

Well, I'll
fill her in, okay?

Everything goes.
Got it.

I'm gonna go home and change,
and I'll meet you
down at the shop.

Roseanne, it's gonna be
a really tough day for me.
I need you down there.

Can't you do this tomorrow?
The job might not
be there tomorrow.

Well, I sure as hell
know the shop won't.

Well, Dan, what are
we talking about?

An hour, for crying out loud?
I got to get a job, don't I?

Isn't that part of the plan?
You're acting like
I'm cutting out on you.

[loudly]
it's not like I'm trying to
ditch school or anything.

Jeez. I'm gonna
k*ll Darlene.

And then as soon as you
do that, you are gonna
go to school, right?

I can't.
I'm gonna be with Mark.

Yeah. I don't know
about you, Roseanne,

But I'm sure tired
of hearing about Mark.

I'd like to hear
a little bit more about how
Becky's going to school today.

Well, she's not.
I don't have time for this.
You've got to go to school.

You don't understand.
I don't have to understand!
Just go!

Oh, Dan, you're mad at me
and you're taking it out
on Becky.

Keep going.

You know, you act like
you're the only ones
with problems around here.

Boy!

You are the most
selfish piece of work
I have ever seen in my life!

Do you have any idea
what we're going through?

Do you have any idea
what I'm going through?

Today may be the last day
I'll ever see Mark again, okay?

What are you talking about?
He got a job offer
in Minneapolis,

And I'm telling him
to take it, and it's
all 'cause of you.

Excuse me?
If you knew how
to run a business,

He'd still have a job
and he wouldn't be leaving.

Now I don't have Mark,
I don't have college,
I don't have anything!

You blew it, dad!
You blew it for everyone
in this family!

Becky, you shut up!
Come on, mother!
You know it!

Everybody knows it.
I'm the only one
with the guts to say it.

[door opens, slams]

That is not true, Dan.

I would have the guts
to say it.

[Jackie]
attention, shoppers.
Blue-light special.

For the next minutes,
all fork braces

Are going for...

Much less than
they are now!

How much for bumper hitches?
Son, pick one out
and we'll talk.

Look, man,
you're closing up
the place, right?

Now, do you think
anybody's gonna walk in here
in the next few hours

And offer you
this much cash
for that bike?

Nobody with your
boyish charm.

All right.
Tell you what.

, , for your pride.

Sold.

Hey, Dan.
Hey, gil.

How you doin', buddy?
Oh, worst day
of my life, thanks.

We all feel
pretty bad about what
you're going through.

We just want you to
let us know if there's
anything we can do.

Hey, you know that guy
that just left here,

He's getting on
his bike right now?

His registration is
way past due.

Yeah? You want
lights and sirens?

How about something
in a hail of g*nf*re?

We'll see what
we can do.
I'm just kidding.

Hey, Dan.
Hey, Crys, what are
you doing down here?

Oh, I just thought
I'd come down, browse around,
see if there's anything I need.

Crystal, you don't
have to do that.

This isn't charity,
Dan.

I need this.

Crystal, you don't
need a bike seat.

I really need
this bike seat, Dan.
Now, how much do I owe you?

$ .

For that thing?
Well, no wonder you're
going out of business, Dan.

Hey, Roseanne,
tell me you're
employed.

Hey, Jackie,
tell me you're married.

Oh, no.
What happened?

What happened was that
people showed up
for jobs.

So I'm standing there
for hours drinking coffee

Just so some punk kid
can ask me if I have
any special skills.

I told him, yeah,
bladder control.

Hi, Crystal.
Hey.

Hey...
[baby talk]

They just love
their new fork braces.

Yeah, well,
they're at that age.

So how's it going
around here?

Well, we are about
out of business.

So it's a success?
How's Dan taking it?

[baby crying]
like a man.

That bad, huh?

[imitating engine]

Aw, come on, Dan.

Biggest day in
the history of the shop,

And the best I can do
is not lose my house.

[chuckles]
the ' s. Who knew?

This was my one sh*t.
Oh, you don't know that.

[inhales deeply]
rose, this sucks.

Nothing you can say is
gonna make it any better.

So you just want to
wallow for a while?
Yes.

Okay, well, then when
you're done wallowing,

We'll go home, and, well,
I'll light some candles

And put on some soft music,
and then we'll slip into bed

And I'll rub your feet
and then I'll rub your back

And then... You know.

Or we could go to lobo
and get drunk.

Oh, okay!
[phone ringing]

Lanford cycle.

Yeah, I'll accept
the charges.

Becky, where are you?

Minnesota?
What's she doing in Minnesota?
What's going on?

What the hell
are you talking about? What
do you mean, you got married?

Give me that phone.
Becky!

Mom...

Mom, come on.

So, uh, how'd it go?

Okay.

Better than
I expected.

[engine revs]

[Roseanne]
Becky! Becky...

Is this
some kind of joke?

If you're not really married,
I'm gonna k*ll you!

And if you are really married,
I'm gonna k*ll you.

Becky! Becky!

Becky, this is
the stupidest thing
you've ever done!

You get your butt back here
right now, do you hear me?

Okay, okay, okay.

What I meant was,
it's not too late to come home.

We aren't mad at you. We just
want to know you're safe.

Becky, are you listening?
Talk to me.

Becky, I know you're there.
I can hear you breathing.