06x05 - Al's Video

[bunniefuu]

l'll settle my bill for the month.
Let me see it.

OK.

- Ah. Here you go.
- All right.

Whoa.

And Jill said
l couldn't control myself. Whoa.

Hey, guys.
Guess what?

l have just been asked to star
in my very own video!

[chuckling] The Al Borland Workout?

Abs of Flab.

That's something you want to see,
Al in a thong.

''All right, girls, two, three...
Watch those carbs.

Come on. Late night snacks,
that's a no-no.''

lt's not an exercise video.

lt's called,
How to Stock Your Toolbox.

l will show beginners the tools
they need and how to use them.

- Actually, you'd be good at that.
- Yeah.

Hey, can l be in your video?

We never put you on Tool Time.
Why would Al put you in a video?

l got a lot of experience
in dinner theater.

- You were an actor?
- No, a waiter.

Well, l'm sorry, but casting
is entirely up to the producer.

Yeah? Who's producing it?

l am.

But l would have to talk to my director.

Who are you getting to direct it?

Well, l would need someone experienced,
you know.

Who knows tools, knows television

and the Al Borland personality.

Boy, that will be tough.
There is no Al Borland personality.

You see? That's the humor that tells me
you're the man for the job.

You want me to direct it?

Tim, you took Tool Time
from the ground up.

You gave it a visual style that has not
been seen on a cable television show.

- Face it. You're a legend, Tim.
- Ah, yes.

There's no money in this, is there?

Not a nickel.

And if you could bring a sack lunch...

Hey! You could film it right here.

lt'd be great publicity for the store.

Well, as producer,
l would have to talk to my director.

Well, as director,
l would have to OK it with my producer.

Yeah!

- You got a new computer.
- [Jill] Yeah.

Your father crashed my old one
for the tenth time.

The guy at the store said l should get
something small and easy to hide.

- lt's a really cool laptop.
- Yeah.

lt really is.

l have a CD-ROM, a scanner
and l'm not sure what's in that box.

lt's Styrofoam packing material.

- Not that.
- Oh, that's the external tape drive.

l hope you know this is a lot more
sophisticated than your old computer.

- OK, l'm ready to go.
- Not quite.

Before you boot up your CPU you gotta
connect your peripherals.

Then load all your drivers.

Then you've got to load your software,

making sure you still have a terminator
in your SCSl port.

- What?
- You gotta program your new computer

to interface with your old printer by
selecting the driver from the chooser.

- Good luck.
- All right.

Have fun.

- Thanks, guys.
- [whistling]

Hey. You got your new computer.

Yippee-ai-kai-aye-ai-oh.

Look at all that stuff there.

l hope you got my favorite game,
Monkey Town.

lt didn't come with any games.

Boy, they saw you coming.

Tim, this is not a toy.
This is a serious tool.

Now come over here and see all
the way-fun stuff l got to go with it.

l can't play now.
l gotta do my research.

l'm directing my first ''how-to'' video.

That's great. ls that for Binford?

No, it's kind of a low-budget company
Al got hooked up with.

But if l do the video right,

l might be able to sell Binford
on doing ''how-to'' videos.

l could be the next Hitchcock.

Tim, Alfred Hitchcock didn't direct
any ''how-to'' videos.

Not Alfred Hitchcock.
Herb Hitchcock!

He's famous. The first one:
How to Make a Cabinet.

How to Repair a Rock.
That was a great one.

How to Make a Table.

Oh, my favorite.
How to Make a Table, Part Deux.

lsn't that the one you forced me
to watch on our wedding night?

No, that was
What to do About a Squeaky Bed.

And action.

Welcome to
How to Start Your Toolbox.

l'm Al Borland, your host.

Al Borland.

Take a stroll with me down aisle one,

as we explore the exciting world
of screwdrivers.

[Tim] Cut. Good. Let's move on.

OK.

- Where do you want me to stand?
- Out of the way.

OK.

This is gonna be a panoramic sh*t
of the screwdriver aisle.

Why don't you come down here,
long sh*t.

Let's start with
the slotted screwdrivers

and zoom in on the Phillips head
and a nice dramatic tilt up

to the torque screwdrivers in the back.

Well, Tim, we don't have time
for all this artsy camera work.

- We have two days to do this.
- l got the sh*ts here.

Well, my idea for the video
is to be simple and direct.

l'll take simple and direct

and expand it, mold it, shape it
and make it good.

Come on, trust me, my little pumpkin.
Come on.

And action.

[Tim] Pull back from
the combination wrenches. Not so fast!

Come on. Not so fast.
All right. Steady.

Slow pan across the ratchets.

Cut. Perfect.

One more time.

lf it was perfect, why one more time?

l got a vision.

Start on a tight sh*t
of the ratchet wrench,

which is the heart and soul
of the wrench family. Can you feel it?

Tim, l-l-l... We're starting
to get way behind schedule.

- We have to be out by : .
- Harry will let us sh**t past : .

Yeah, sure, if you got a part for me.

You know, l do a great Brando.

[imitating Marlon Brando] Stella!

We can be out by : .

Get that sh*t.
Just come down...

All right, Manuel.
Chisel sequence, take .

Focus, Al, and have some fun, buddy.
Action.

Chisels...

...are categorized by the type
of material that they are used for.

Wood, metal, masonry.

- Cut.
- What? What! What?

lt's good. lt's good.

Can you combine take three and take six?
A little of nine in there?

All right.

lmagine

that your father
left your mother for a chisel.

- What?
- Use that. Go with that. Go!

Sorry, Tim. l'm all out of tape.
l'm gonna run to the truck and get some.

[groaning]

Well, it's a good time
for some make-up.

Do l need a touch-up?

You're fine but the tools are all shiny.
Get some powder!

Who can powder?

Am l the only one working on this thing?

Where's the powder? Manuel!

Harry!

[imitating Brando] You talkin' to me?

You talking to me?

Harry, l can't worry about
your acting career right now.

We gotta be done by tomorrow.

Tim is way behind.

l can't give you any more time.
l got customers outside waiting.

l know.

Hey, guys. You know you got customers
waiting out here?

You guys are gonna have to leave!
We're sh**ting a video! Come on!

- He is completely out of control.
- He just ran off paying customers.

Uh, man, what am l supposed to do?

l know what l'd do.

l'd get a new director.

l can't fire Tim.

He's my good friend.

l-l'm gonna have to reason with him.

Uh, Tim.

Uh, you know, l'm having a problem
with the way this is going.

As your director,
l'll say you're the actor.

Act like you're not having a problem.

l'm also the producer.

You should be worried about producing
a good performance, little bumpkin.

What did l tell you about coming in?
Get out of here!

You're right. You're right.
l have to fire him. How do l do that?

Frankly, Al, l don't give a damn.

Uh, look, Tim, about the video...

Now, the way you've been going,

there's no chance of us
being able to finish tomorrow.

l'm glad you brought that up.

We'll go back to the production company
and ask for more time.

lt might be a good idea to ask them for
a little bit more do-re-mi, you know?

l was thinking of getting
a new director.

- You're thinking about f*ring me?
- You give me no choice.

You've taken a simple
instructional video

and turned it into
Gone With the Wind.

Yeah, but without my help, your video
crew's gonna be gone with the wind!

l think there are some people out there
who like the Al Borland style.

Maybe that is why they asked me
to star in it instead of you.

They picked you
'cause they couldn't afford me!

You're a deluded egomaniac.

And you're a chubby little flannel man.

May l tempt you with some alluring
creations from our pastry chef?

The tiramisu is quite fetching.

- Just fetch the check, please.
- Also an excellent choice.

l will take that.

You're gonna buy off your guilt
by paying for dinner?

- l don't think so.
- Oh, no!

- Give it to me. Come here.
- Oh, no!

You see?
Everything has to be done your way!

- The right way.
- Fine!

- Fine.
- Fine!

- Fine!
- Fine.

l will have to add some dessert to that.

OK. What do you think
of this screen name?

''Sick of tools''?

- You can't use that.
- Why not?

That's my screen name.

Al Borland is a no-talent,
worthless bum.

Tim! Guess who's here? llene!

Hello, llene.
Good to see you.

New perm?

Why are you saying such
terrible things about my Al?

'Cause your Al just fired me.

Your Al fired my Tim!

What happened?

We had totally opposite visions
on how to produce this video.

So, it was creative differences.

Yeah. l'm creative, he's different.

All he cared about
is schedules and budgets.

Schedule, budget. Too much time...

OK, look. He gave you two days
to sh**t a -minute video.

- How much did you get done today?
- Today?

- The first day?
- Right.

Well, you put it...
You know, you had to...

You had to put it all...
Once you... About five minutes.

That's all?

No wonder he fired you!

l've gotta go.
Al must be really hurting right now.

- [Jill] OK.
- He's hurting?

- l was the one that got axed.
- You've got Jill to comfort you.

[scoffs]

You know how to comfort me.

Five minutes?

- lt was a brilliant five minutes.
- You are so pathetic.

And the comfort would come from?

Al, come on.
We're on in ten.

Thank you, Heidi.

Hello, Tim.

Hello, Al.

Well, you gonna finish
doing that video tonight?

Yes, l am.

Thank you for asking.

You're welcome.

Well, we should have
a good show today, Al.

Yes, we should.
l always enjoy sealant week.

Does everybody know what time it is?

- Tool Time!
- That's right.

Binford Tools is proud to present
Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.

[cheering]

Thank you.

You're too kind.

Thank you.
Well.

Welcome to Tool Time.

l'm, of course,
Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.

You all know my assistant, Al Borland.

All this week it's sealant week.
Today we're talkin' about caulkin'.

To help us out we have master plumber,
Felix Myman.

Let's bring him out
with a Tool Time welcome.

- Thank you.
- Always nice to have you on.

- Always a pleasure to be here.
- Nice to see you again.

Today Felix is gonna show us the proper
way to caulk a toilet, shower or sink.

And l can also show you how to caulk
your windows and glass doors.

Good, we'll see that later.

ln the interest of time, why don't we
concentrate just on bathroom fixtures?

Al's always interested in saving time,
even at the expense of quality.

l am all for quality, but time is money.

- Always money? That how you see it?
- Getting back to caulking...

There are different types:

Acrylic with latex,
oil-based and silicone.

Marv, why don't you come in
and get a nice product sh*t here?

Why not a panoramic sh*t, Tim?
Bring in a crane.

We could rip off the roof
and get a sh*t from a helicopter.

Felix, do you see any problem
with a guy showing pride in his work?

l'm just here to caulk a toilet.

Why don't we get back to
the different types of caulking g*ns?

Yes, why don't we?

Uh, those are electric g*ns.
You might want to be careful...

[grunts]

- ...with those triggers.
- l didn't mean to do that.

You'll have to excuse Tim.

He has a tough time
keeping things under control.

l know how to control myself, Al.

l am so sorry, Felix.
l am so sorry!

- l don't need this.
- [stammering]

l could be cleaning out a septic t*nk.

Move over!

- [Tim] Hey, Wilson.
- Shalom, good neighbor.

OK.

Well, you finished
your vegetable hut.

l'm sure it commemorates something.

This, Tim, is a sukkah.

lt is what is built for the Jewish
harvest festival of Sukkot.

Which, yes indeed, does commemorate

the ancient Hebrews
wandering through the desert.

l'd be wandering around
looking for the bathroom.

Actually, the tribes of lsrael have
celebrated in these symbolic structures

for thousands of years.

lt'll be a thousand years
before l celebrate with Al again.

He'll pick caulk out of his beard
till the next Sukkot.

You're still smarting from the sting
of getting fired from Al's video.

Well, he's impossible to work with.

You've worked with him
for years on Tool Time.

That's because l'm the boss
on Tool Time.

Mm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

You know, Tim, this reminds me
of a famous quote by Aristotle.

''He who has not learned to obey
cannot be a great leader.''

l should have let him do it his way.
l had this vision.

l was gonna do something magnificent,
trying to emulate the great Hitchcock.

- Alfred or Herb?
- The director! Herb.

No, no, no, no, Tim. You don't
want to emulate Herb Hitchcock.

- l do. He's fabulous.
- He was kicked out of the business,

- That's what everybody says.
- for going wildly over budget.

He hired a cast of thousands

for the staining scene
in How to Make a Table part three.

lt was brilliant.

Staining a table during a chariot race.
Come on!

Hand drill sequence take one.

And action.

Every toolbox needs a hand drill.
lsn't that right, sir?

Absolutely.

Cut. All right, that's good.
Moving on.

One more sh*t we're done. Set up here,
l'll go get the props.

Uh, just a quick suggestion.

l think it would be great
if we ended with a song.

No singing, no dancing
and no ad-libbing.

- Hey, Harry.
- Go away.

- l'm not gonna drive away customers.
- l'm not worried about that.

l am in the middle of a performance.

Hi, Al.

- What are you doing here?
- Well,

l'm thinking about the immortal words
of Aristotle.

''Only the boss should be able to invite
a thousand people to have dessert.''

Must have lost something
in the translation.

You were the boss.
l should have let you do it your way.

Well, yes, you should have.

But l didn't and now you are
and it's working out, right?

Could we?
l'm falling out of character.

l'll let you get back to work.
l'll see you tomorrow on Tool Time.

- Yeah, all right.
- Great.

- Ah, wait, Tim. Tim!
- [Harry groaning]

l'm getting ready for my big finale.
You know, clamps and vise grips.

- Good.
- l don't know where to put the camera.

- You don't need my opinion.
- l know l don't.

But l want it, you know.

l looked at that first five minutes.
lt was really, really good.

- Right up there with Hitchcock.
- Really?

Almost.

OK. Um...

Forget the clamps and vise grips.
You want a big finish, go to knives.

Have a low pan. Have Manuel come in top
over the blades, scoot down this way.

Tilt up, see all the blades
shiny and sharp.

And then a big finish to...

Actually, your idea would be better,
you know.

- Vise grips and clamps.
- Yeah?

And to simplify the sh*t
just sh**t from here.

Then there's more drama
because you see it all.

Look, it's my store and l want to sing
at the end of the video.

- Harry...
- No, no, no, no, no.

Now there's an idea.
Hold on a minute.

Your song would be much more effective
if you had a big entrance, wouldn't it?

- See? Now we're talking.
- An entrance?

- Maybe from the storeroom.
- Yes.

You know, you could enter in here.

Wait for your cue.

l'm sure we can get some music in later.

[pounding on door]
Hey, l can't hear the music!

We're back!

OK. l've loaded all the research data.

- Now what do l do?
- You pay your computer consultant.

How about dinner
and a roof over your head?

Fair enough.

Hit F . lt will take a couple minutes
to do the calculations.

Make sure you hit ''save'' when it says
''done'' or you'll lose all your work.

- OK, thanks. Thanks, sweetie.
- Bye, Mom.

[buzzing]

[electronic beeping]

lt says ''done''.
Time for Monkey Town.

- [conga music plays]
- [monkey screeching]

Oh, my God.
What are you doing?

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

l'm picking the lice off my sister
right now.

Have you saved my work?

lt's just a bunch of numbers.

Tim!

Hold on, l'm bananas away
from being mayor of Monkey Town.

Hold on for a second.

[screeching continues]

- What was that all about?
- You lose my work, l off your monkey.

[screeching]

When you finish that,
load your software

making sure you have
a terminator in your fuzzy port.

[Randy] Then you gotta program
your new computer before...

- [conga music]
- [screeching]