06x02 - Future Shock

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to Tool Time.
l'm your host, Tim Taylor.

You all know my assistant, Al Borland.

Thank you, Al.

OK. Today's first segment
is about stuff that's stuck.

And we're not talking about Tim
gluing his head to a table.

We're talking nails,
screws and bolts that get stuck

and seem impossible to remove.

That's right. OK?

- Problem:
- [suspenseful music]

A m*nled head of a screw here

and the screwdriver
will not fit in the slot. Mon dieu.

[French accent] How will l finish
building ze bridge?

Solution: Use your hacksaw

to cut a new slot at a right angle
to the old one.

[French accent] Perfect.

Screwdriver fits.
Now we finish ze bridge. Voil…!

- All right. Problem:
- [suspenseful music]

The nail head is too deep
to remove with a claw hammer.

[French accent] Oh, mon dieu.
How will l build ze windmill?

Solution: Use your trusty cat's paw.

You simply pound it with your hammer,

making sure that the cat's paw
goes underneath the nail head,

then just pull.

[cat screeching]

Let's move on to Al's tricycle.

Actually, this is my father's tricycle.

l hope someday
to hand it down to my child.

- Problem:
- [suspenseful music]

Doing refurbishing you find
some bolts are rusted shut.

That is a real problem.

[suspenseful music]

Solution: Use a little penetrating oil
on the rusty area.

lt should work perfect every time.
[straining]

[stammering] You're bending it!

When they're really stuck like this
you can use a little heat to help out.

Well, if you're gonna use a lot of
heat you want to wipe off the excess...

...excess...

You've completely destroyed my tricycle!

[metal hitting floor]

Well, look there.
The bolt came free.

- lt's no longer a problem.
- [suspenseful music]

Come on, Randy, hurry up.
l gotta take a shower.

l thought you took one last night.

- Now what do you think?
- Make that last year.

My turn. Oh, what stinks?

- Brad and it's still my turn.
- lt's not.

- lt's my turn.
- Will you shut up?

[whistles] Guys, guys, come on.
Knock it off.

Mark, get in the shower. Brad, wait.
Randy, go dry off.

- What is that smell?
- Brad.

New plan. Brad, you go next
and use lots of soap.

Yes, ma'am.

Thirty-eight, , ...

- ... , ...
- ln your dreams!

... .

[panting]

You know, you should be thankful
l work out every day.

- [arguing]
- What are the boys yelling about?

lt's the shower again.

Could you go out in five minutes
and pull Brad out and shove Mark in?

- l'm ready for a shower.
- No! l have an early class.

- l have to go first.
- You know my routine.

l wake up, go to the bathroom,
exercise, take a shower,

go eat, go back to the bathroom.

Can't you change your routine
for one day?

Then it wouldn't be my routine,
would it?

Well, your routines are starting
to get very annoying.

- l don't complain about your routine.
- l don't have the luxury of a routine.

l stay flexible so l can deal
with everybody's problems.

So, being flexible is your routine.

Tim, why can't you just eat breakfast
and then shower?

lf l eat breakfast early
l'll be hungry when l get to work.

Then l'll have a snack
and push lunch way back.

- So?
- Come on. Follow me here.

lf l push lunch back
l won't eat dinner till late.

l'll go to bed bloated,
feel uneasy and won't sleep.

l'll be too tired to go to work.

Al will do Tool Time.
Ratings will plummet.

We'll lose the show, jobs,
our money, our house,

be in a cardboard box on the freeway.

lf you think taking a shower
is worth that...

Oh, just go!

So then, Tim spent minutes
in the shower

and another ten minutes powdering,
spraying and clipping.

Who did l marry, a man or a poodle?

You should see Harry in the bathroom.

On second thought,
nobody should have to see that.

lt was so frustrating.

By the time that l got to school
and found a parking place,

l missed half my class.

- Hey, Jill.
- Hi, Marge.

- Hi, Delores.
- Hey, Marge.

So, what's going on?

We're doing a little husband-bashing.

Sorry l'm late.

l'll have the beef dip.

Speaking of dips,
l was just talking about Tim.

l have got to find a way
to make him more flexible.

You've got as much chance of that

as Marge digesting the...
...[shouting] beef dip!

Oh, boy.
l'm dead.

Oh, listen. lf Tim is anything like Bob,
he'll never change.

Every night it's the same.

Seven o'clock: ''Where's the food?''

Seven-oh-five: ''You call that food?''

Seven-fifteen: ''Why'd you let me
eat so much food?''

Tim does all that.

Then he opens his pants,
sticks out his gut, and belches.

Nobody is more set in his ways
than Harry.

Every Saturday night at :
after the sports report,

he wakes me up and asks
the same question:

''You want to do it?''

And they say romance is dead.

lt's been that way for years.

l wish he could be
a little more spontaneous

and skip a Saturday
every once in a while.

OK. Well, l guess you both
have it worse than l do.

Oh, no, you've got it worse.

You're trying to start a new career
and Tim's screwing it up.

- lt's only half a class.
- Today.

Next thing you know,
it'll be half a semester.

The older men get the more
their routines take over your life.

You friend's right.

By the time they're his age

every minute of your day
revolves around them.

Mildred, it's : .
Where's my lunch?

Where's my water?
Where's my pill?

Where's my life?

l can't believe
l've been in college for years.

But all l have to do

is finish the very last sentence
of my dissertation

and l'll finally get my doctorate.

Doctor? Are you takin' me to the doctor?

l'm not takin' you to the doctor.
l'm trying to get my doctorate.

Who's gonna take me to the doctor?

Nobody. You're not sick.
Except in the head.

Now let me work.

The president of the university
is gonna be here any second.

ls he a doctor?
l hope so.

Oh, no. He's coming here
to pick up my dissertation!

Why don't you just take it to him?

Because l have to be here to make you
lunch and help you to the bathroom.

Well, just feed me lunch
in the bathroom.

Better yet, l'll lock you
in the bathroom.

- Grouchy old bitty.
- What did you say?

- Who remembers?
- Eh.

- Where's my lunch?
- Oh, go make it yourself.

l need a few minutes of peace and quiet
to get this done.

Mom, Randy won't let me
finish my shower.

You've been in there for years.

And you still stink.

Will you guys stop it!

Aren't you ever gonna grow up?

[Tim clearing throat very loudly]

l gotta tell ya,
it's not looking real appealing.

Well, l got something to eat,
no thanks to you.

Oh. Just what you need, prunes.

ls it hot?

Are you hot?
l'm hot.

lt's so hot.
l hate being hot!

[wind blowing]

- [doorbell rings]
- He's here!

My dissertation! Ohhh!

Where's page one?

This it?
Nope, this isn't it.

Tim, no, no!

Oh.

[sobbing]

- Those are really good prunes.
- [Jill sobbing]

Where is the bathroom?

- [sobbing]
- [doorbell rings]

What? Stop it!

Old bitty?
l'm an old bitty?

Sometimes.

l was one sentence away from graduating

and you used page
of my dissertation

to wipe your drool!

Stop hitting me.

You're mad at me because of something
l did to you in a dream?

Dreams are a window
into our subconscious.

Well, close the window
and go back to bed.

Tim, this is important.

l dreamt that your stupid routines
ruined my life.

Your : lunch, your exercising...

What you call stupid routines
l call self-discipline.

What you call self-discipline
l call obsession.

What you call obsession
l call structure.

What you call structure
l call neurotic compulsion.

What you call neurotic compulsion
l call what l said the first time.

Tim, l'm really upset about this.

ls there any way we can talk about this
in the morning?

lf l don't get enough sleep
l won't be able to do my exercise.

There you go again.

l don't care about
your idiotic exercise.

Oh, you say that now.

When you're and your friends
are burying their husbands

l'll still be fit and virile.

You're not fit and virile now.

Make jokes, will ya?
You'll be whistling a different tune

when all those widows
are pinching my buns of steel.

l'm home from school.

[grunting]

[grunting]

Tim, l can't get my backpack off.

Don't worry, honey. Your fit and virile
husband will give you a hand.

Easy does it, old girl.

Thank you, honey.
Thank you.

So, how was school today?

l don't know.

l never got there.

By the time l got dressed
and put my backpack on,

school was over.

How much time did you give yourself
to get ready?

Well, l put my sweater on
last Tuesday.

l buttoned it Wednesday.

l remembered
l forgot my underwear Thursday.

And then l had to start all over again.

Let's face it, Tim.
l'm a broken-down old hag.

You're a perfect physical specimen.

lt's not too late, honey.
Just start a routine like mine.

Fifty thousand push-ups...

We'll weight train you.
You can do it around the house.

Just lift with your legs.

[straining]

Oh.

You are an inspiration.

l don't know how you stayed with me
after the way l've let myself go.

lt's just the kind of guy l am.

There are thousands
of younger, sexier women

who would be thrilled to have you.

And l'd be thrilled to have them.

But no matter how pathetic you look,

no matter how fabulous l look,

l'll never leave you.

Well, God bless you and your routine.

We've got a great show for you today.
Right, Al?

Yes, we do.

Although Binford won't allow Tim to do
any more shows involving power.

Yesterday's electrical accident was
the straw that broke the camel's back.

[coughing]

l thought it was your mom
that broke the camel's back.

l think it's time
you stopped making fun of my mother.

Oh, yeah?
Why?

Because she's been dead for years!

Making fun of your mother
is a staple here at Tool Time.

The audience response
has always been huge.

- 'Course, not as huge as your...
- That's it. l quit!

- l quit.
- You can't quit.

Ten more years
you qualify for health insurance.

l'm not fallin' for that one again.

- Timmy?
- What?

- Could l have Al's lines?
- No.

- Well, then l quit, too.
- Go ahead.

l'm not changing Tool Time.

The audience loves Tool Time
just the way it is.

Right, audience?

We haven't liked the show in years.

- Why do you show up every day?
- lt's part of our routine.

Hey, Wilson?

Well, hidey-ho, there, studly neighbor.

Today at Tool Time
Al and Heidi quit.

Uh, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Do you have any words of wisdom for me?

Well, Tim, nothing of any significance.

l've been giving you advice
for so many decades

l'm at the bottom of the barrel.

Barrel. How about this?

More fun than a barrel of monkeys.

That-that doesn't help me very much.

Uh... um, ''monkey see, monkey do''.

You gotta do better than this.
l mean,

getting advice from you
is one of my routines.

Well, it's your routine
that sucked me dry.

Come on. You gotta have something.

Well, let's try this one on for size.

There was an old woman
who lived in a shoe

She got sick of your routine
and l did, too

Honey, Wilson turned into a shoe.

Al and Heidi quit, but good riddance.
At least l got you.

Jill?

[weakly] Help.

- Jill?
- Help me, honey.

l can't hear.
The table's on you.

Here. Remember to always lift
with your legs, honey.

[straining]

l tried to be as disciplined as you.

But l failed.

l only hope my untimely and tragic death

won't interfere with your...
[gasping]

...routine.

[choking]

Jill. Jill!

Jill, wake up. Jill!

Jill. Jill!

Oh, no, no, no.

Tim, wake up. You're having a bad dream.

Jill, Jill.

Jill. Wow.

[whistles]

- What a dream.
- What?

- You were dead.
- Dead?

Squashed under the coffee table.

Heidi and Al left the show.

And Wilson turned into Mother Goose.

l'm gonna take a shower.

- At : in the morning?
- You've got an early class tomorrow.

This way l can be
a little more flexible.

l go to the bathroom at : ,
shower at : ,

breakfast at : ,
back in the bathroom at : .

Tim, it's the same routine,
you're just on London time.

Come back to bed.

Well, l gotta figure out a way
to be more flexible with this.

That would be great.

l don't want it to end up
like in that dream.

- lt was that bad?
- lt was horrible.

Oh, boy.

You were gone.
Everybody l cared about was gone.

l was all alone.

l was terrific-looking
but l was all alone.

What did l look like?

l-l really didn't
get a good look at you.

Do you remember that old woman
in The Waltons?

Can you believe this?

One hundred six years old
and look how good we look.

l don't feel a day over .

Well, teeth in or out tonight?

- Now, problem:
- [suspenseful music]

All right.
[laughing]

- Problem:
- [suspenseful music]

[laughter]

- And we're not talking about...
- [both laughing]

Does anybody care what time it is?

No!