05x15 - Tanks for the Memories

[bunniefuu]

Welcome back to Tool Time
and our week-long salute...

(bugle plays reveille)

...to the m*llitary.

- A subject near and dear to my heart.
- Tell them.

Well, l was a Navy C.B. That, of course,
stands for Construction Battalion.

We are always the first ones in
laying the groundwork for the other forces.

- We're the ones building the bridges.
- Klaus!

We're building the roads,
the landing strips...

(# theme music)

We're...

Today we're talking about tools
the m*llitary uses. OK?

l needed help on today's show.
An old high-school buddy of mine,

Billy McDougal, will be here. We used to
call him ''Moon Pie Face.'' But no longer.

lt's Lieutenant Colonel William McDougal
of the United States Marine Corps.

Bring him out with a round of applause.
Come on out here, Billy.

Moon Pie, Moon Pie, Moon Pie.

lt's amazing, you know? l guess they
wanted a few good men and one big wuss.

Tim, if l remember correctly, you were such
a wimp, the Cub Scouts wouldn't take you.

Yeah. But the Girl Scouts loved me.

We played w*r as kids. What's it like
playing w*r and getting paid for it?

Timmy, l'm not playing w*r anymore.
l'm a t*nk battalion commander.

And today l've brought along a lot of
the tools we use to work on the tanks.

Well, let's bring 'em on out here.
Heidi, the tools for the tanks, please.

Here you go, Tim.

Thank you, Heidi. All right, let's start with
the tool that we call ''The Dog Bone.''

- Let me see that.
- Hold onto that, Timmy.

Now, we use that as a jack to
lift road wheels.

Next, we've got a tool that we call
''The Little Joe.''

Little Joe.
lt looks more like Hoss to me.

lt's definitely no Hop Sing,
l'll tell you that.

Well, let's cut to the chase.
ls there any way that l could drive a t*nk?

- Come to California and we can arrange it.
- All right!

Excuse me, Colonel, but letting
Tim drive a t*nk, well...

that's jeopardizing national security.

- Let it go, Al, please?
- Al, you got nothing to worry about.

We've got , Marines on
the base to keep their eyes on Tim.

- Right!
- lt's not enough.

- Jill!
- Yeah, out here!

What a great show today.
We did our salute to the m*llitary, right?

l got invited out to California to
a m*llitary base to drive a t*nk.

Wow, that's so great! When do we go?

We?

ls that ''we'' like in ''we,''
or ''we'' like in ''whee!''?

You're not planning on going
without me?

Well, l... no. l thought l'd make
reservations at that spa in Palm Springs.

- Yes!
- You'll be at that hotel soaking in mud,

and l'll be at the base driving through it.

Tim, l'm the army brat.
lt'd be fun for me to go to a m*llitary base.

- Driving a t*nk is not about fun.
- What is it about?

lt's about grown men driving
heavy equipment

while other grown men hide in bushes
and act like bad guys.

l do not want to hang around the hotel
while you get to do all the cool stuff.

- Oh, cool stuff?
- Yes.

ln the desert, it's hot.
You know how you are.

(mocking Jill) ''lt's so hot. My hair
is so sandy and my skin's so dry,

it's like a pair of alligator shoes.
Look at this. lt's cracking.''

Tim, that is not me - that's you.

- Now, why can't l go to the base?
- What's the purpose of it?

The m*llitary doesn't allow women to
drive tanks. You'd be bored.

l would not. l'd be standing around
trying to convince them

that women are perfectly
capable of driving tanks.

Well, there's a good time.

Oh, come on! How many times do we find
something that we're both interested in?

Never. And l don't want to screw up
a winning formula.

Come on! We'll have the boys stay with Al.
What do you say? What do you say?

Four words that seem to rule my life -
''Anything you want, Jill.''

(knocking)

Ah, just a minute... OK.

(Tim) Al, quit fluffing the pillows
and let us in.

- Hey, all right! Come on in! How are ya?
- Hey, watch the hair!

OK.

Thank you so much for taking care of
them this weekend.

Yeah. lt really works out for us
that you have no life.

l have a life. lt just happens
that llene is away at an orthodontic retreat.

Besides, l love hanging out
with these guys.

- Oh, l'm gonna miss you boys so much.
- Have a good time, listen to Al, all right?

Right. We'l have a wild,
carefree weekend! Anything goes!

- All right!
- Oh, but not there. No.

OK. Al, here's the number of the hotel.
lf you can't page us in the room,

- then page us at the pool.
- OK.

lf not at the pool, page at the base.
l wrote this number down.

There's a three-hour time difference.
lf it's four here, it's one there.

- Right.
- lf it's six here, it's three there.

Honey, if you keep talking to him, we'll
still be here before we even get there.

Here, here.
OK. Thank you so much. Bye.

- Have a good time.
- Bye, kids. Be good.

Well, OK. Bye. Well, are you ready for
a carefree, wild weekend?

- Yeah. What are we gonna do?
- l thought we would... Don't touch that.

Your dad already broke it.

You know, l thought maybe we'd start off
with a rousing game of... Parcheesi. Huh?

Winner gets a fat-free fig bar.

What a treat for three fig lovers like us!

Oh, not to worry. l got a consolation prize -
low-sodium rice cakes.

This is great. Mom and Dad get to
go to California,

and we get figs and rice.

OK, l see what it is. You guys are feeling
a little left out. Huh?

Yeah, well, l know
what it feels like to be left out.

When l was your age, my folks left me
when they went off to the Amish country.

l remained bitter for years.

Well, you got over it, right?

Rather not talk about it.

There are four fuel tanks on the M A
that hold a total of gallons.

Whoo! l hope you have self-serve.

- What does this thing weigh?
- l'm guessing tons.

No, no, no.
lt's gotta be more like a hundred tons.

Actually, the curb weight is . tons.
Very impressive, Jill.

- She grew up on a m*llitary base.
- l always loved tanks.

Hey, wait a minute! What does
one of these things cost... out the door?

. million. A little
more if you want the CD player.

- Wow! Well, what kind of engine's in it?
- -horsepower gas turbine.

- Wow! The old M had what? ?
- This t*nk also has b*ttlefield override,

a -millimeter smooth bore,
and enhanced shift tie-downs.

You know, to make it look better...
chrome wheels and a custom paint job.

l'll mention that to the Pentagon.
Jill, you really know your tanks.

Oh, l always loved tanks. When l was a
child, l used to dream of driving one.

Of course, l knew l'd never get to since
l'm just a lowly, inept, helpless female.

And it starts.

You know, many people think
that policy is outdated.

Good.

Uh, Tim, you might want to stay
away from the t*nk commander's post.

There are buttons
that can get you into trouble.

Oh, l love buttons.

Man, what l wouldn't give to get behind
the T-bar of one of these hogs.

Jill, even though women aren't allowed to
operate these in combat,

we could arrange a test drive for you.

No! You're kidding me!
You're gonna let me drive a t*nk?

- Tim, he is gonna let me drive a t*nk!
- l don't think that's such a good idea.

She has the facts, but hands-on
experience - that's something else.

Everybody OK? l was just showing
her how to use the machine g*n.

(Billy) These are
the tanks you'll be driving.

Now, remember, Timmy, this isn't the old
Chevy Nova you had in high school.

(Tim) Of course not. That bit the dust
when the tree ran into me, remember?

We've set up an obstacle course
for the two of you.

You got a real one for me and, like,
a little baby one for Jill?

We'll see who's crying for
his mommy when this is over.

Yeah, we will.

The objective is to maneuver through
the course without knocking over pylons.

So, let's pile on!

Remember, honey, it's not like driving
around the mall parking lot.

Yeah. lt's not like
that Tool Time set either.

lf you have any questions,
just ask your t*nk commander.

You'll be communicating
with your radio mike.

- l got it.
- Got it.

And good luck out there.

Fire in the hole.

Eat my dust, sucker.

(Jill laughs)

- Whoa, l love this!
- (man) asy on the throttle. Mr Taylor

Will you relax?
l know what l'm doing here.

Wait a minute. OK, yeah, all right!

(man) Watch out. Mrs Taylor
Your husband is losing control

Tim? What is he doing?

(man) Mr Taylor. watch out for the pylons

(Tim) Oh. hey! Wait a minute
Yeah. OK. OK

(man) Look out. Mrs Taylor
He's cutting you o

lt's a traffic lane here, Jill!

- (man) Mr Taylor. look out for that sign
- What sign?

Oh, that sign.

(man) Mrs Taylor.
is your husband out of his mind?

(Jill) Yes. sir. Corporal. sir

Oh, incoming! lncoming!

OK. Just playing through!

Bill, what are the chances of
me driving that t*nk again?

Oh, about the same as
Tool Time winning an Emmy.

That little t*nk accident
could've happened to anyone.

lt's never happened in
the history of the Marines.

Well, the important thing is
that nobody got hurt.

And we know our country would win if
we're ever invaded by enemy golf carts.

Tim, not only is she a better t*nk
driver than you, she's also funnier.

- Yeah. l just can't stop laughing, Bill.
- No.

Mmm, chipped beef on toast.
l haven't had this since l was years old.

Ew! You're probably still digesting it.

Colonel, l can't thank you enough. You
fulfilled a childhood dream for me today.

lt was a pleasure watching you in action.
Like you've driven a t*nk all your life.

lt was such a cool feeling.
You know, when l started l was so scared.

Then when l got comfortable,
it was so much fun.

When you grabbed that T-bar,
you just let her rip...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

You know, how do they get
the tea this color? Boy.

Hey, Steve, have a seat!
Meet my old buddy, Tim Taylor.

- Good to meet you, sir.
- And his lovely wife, Jill.

- Hi, it's nice to meet you.
- You're the one the base is talking about.

- Boy, that was some t*nk driving!
- Well, thank you very much.

- My husband got to drive a t*nk, too.
- Yeah. The base is talking about that, too.

Yeah, you sure b*at the pants off
old Timmy here.

- Well, it wasn't a race.
- Yeah, you're right.

Give him a break.
He's probably one of those guys

that doesn't know
a whole lot about machines.

- What do you do for a living, sir?
- l own a little dress shop.

- No, he doesn't. He's got a tool show.
- No. And it's a great show.

He had trouble with those obstacles,
but it wasn't an easy course.

- You don't have to defend me.
- Not defending. l'm just stating a fact.

You didn't have trouble with the course.

Well, OK. l did a little better than you.
So, big deal. Who cares?

l care, little ''Miss The Whole Base
ls Talking About You.''

l can't believe you're being such a baby.
Oh, me? l'm the baby?

- Whose turn is it to lower the flag?
- l don't know. Maybe we should do it, huh?

- You don't have to go, guys. Come on.
- Sorry, Tim. lt's not our w*r.

Congratulations. You just did something
most countries can't do -

you got the Marines to retreat.

They didn't leave because of me.
You got angry.

Well, excuse me! Not only did you
b*at me on the obstacle course,

you defend me like l'm a five-year-old.

Well, you're acting like a five-year-old.
You're upset because l drove the t*nk well.

No. l'm upset because you driving it well
made me look like an idiot!

Well, even if l hadn't been there you
still would've driven like an idiot.

That was a pretty quick game of Scrabble.
Now we're ready for Chinese Checkers.

Oh, sorry, Al. Mom says we can't
playing ''Chinese Checkers'' before bed.

Makes us too hyper.

All right. Well, if conventional games
don't tickle your fancy,

l have a board game
that you have never seen.

l invented this myself.

lt is the prototype for
what could become a national craze.

(Mark) ''The Tool Time Game''?
Awesome!

(# theme music)

- How do you play?
- Well, you have your choice of figures.

You can be Heidi. You can be Al.

And you can be Tim in a body cast.

- All right, l got Heidi.
- Al.

Aw, man!

Now, the object of the game is
to finish your project

without having to call an ambulance.

You can learn as you go along.
Mark, why don't you start us off?

OK. Start.

Two.

''Tim makes bad joke about Al's mom.
Audience boos. Lose a turn.''

Mother loves that card.

- All right, it's my turn.
- That's right.

Ooh, four.

''Al's away at National Bingo Finals.
Tim hosts show alone and ratings drop.''

All right. My turn.

All right, here we go. Six, OK... five, six. All

All right. Pick up a card.

''Tim installs faulty wiring.
You're accidentally electrocuted.''

You lose.

- Hey, Wilson.
- Well, hi-ho, neighbor.

- When did you get back from California?
- A few minutes ago.

- Mm, smells like ribs.
- Actually, l'm barbecuing some bulbs.

- Fluorescent or three-way?
- No, Tim. These are lily bulbs.

These are a dietary staple of
the Native Americans of Montana.

- How was your t*nk-driving expedition?
- A real kick in the lily bulbs.

- What do you mean?
- Well, Jill and l both got to drive tanks.

And she has to act like a big sh*t by
not driving through a sign,

or sh**ting off a machine
g*n, or crushing a couple of golf carts.

Mm-mm-mm, she is such a show-off.

l didn't even want her going with me.

Well, traditionally, driving tanks is a man's
domain.

Yeah, man's domain. Oh, yeah.

To the best of my knowledge, women in
the service aren't allowed to drive tanks.

- Yeah, no women drivers. Oh, no.
- Which makes it all the more incredible

that Jill accomplished what she did.

Yeah, that's all the more... huh?

Well, you did compliment her on
her t*nk-driving expertise?

How can you take her side?
By her tagging along, she ruined my day.

Well, maybe you ruined her day by
not acknowledging her accomplishment.

Well, maybe you ruined my day by
pointing that out.

- Thanks, Al!
- (boys) Thank you, Al! 'Night. Bye.

- So how was it? How was the weekend?
- Oh, the best.

Al let us stay up
and watch monster movies.

And he made us popcorn just dripping
with butter. Oh, ho, ho, ho...

Yeah. He even separated the unpopped
kernels for us.

Well, l guess l'm never gonna be half
the mother Al is.

- Hey, boys.
- Dad? How come you didn't marry Al?

Well, to be honest with you,
l thought about it.

But l just couldn't handle the thought of him
giving birth to my children.

Little babies with beards
and flannel diapers. lck!

So, when you were driving
the t*nk, how did it go?

Ooh, the t*nk stuff!
Wait till l tell you...

We should talk about
your mom's experience first.

Great. We talked about it at the base.
We talked about it on the plane.

They let her drive one, too.
And she was awesome.

- (Randy) You're kidding.
- No.

- That's awesome!
- lt is great. She drove it like a pro.

First woman to drive a t*nk.
You should be proud of her.

As a matter of fact, the first four million
l'm getting, l'm buying a t*nk for her.

Never worry about finding
a parking place in her life.

- Cool.
- All right. Did you guys sh**t the little...?

(overlapping)

Wait, wait, wait! Put your stuff
away and we'll talk about this at dinner.

- Hustle up. Hustle up.
- No.

That was really nice.
Thank you.

Well, it would've been a lot nicer
if l'd said it earlier.

l got thrown for a loop
when l found out l was married to

General George Patton...

and l was (imitating Gomer Pyle)
Gomer Pyle.

Shazam! Shazam! Shazam!

Well, golly, Sergeant Carter!

- ...across the desert was great.
- Dad, how did you do at the Marine base?

Yeah, Dad. You told us about Mom,
but you never told us how you did.

Let's put it this way the Marines said no
one's ever driven a t*nk like your old man.

- You were that good, huh?
- l don't want to brag.

But l was in my element, guys.

Machines, Marines, latrines
and lots and lots of beans.

horsepower sitting behind me.

l'm the master of that thing.
Oh! Ho-ho-ho-ho!

My only regret?
You guys weren't there to see it.

Actually, Dad, you know, we can see
it. The Marines made a tape for Mom.

- You can't look at that. That's top-secret!
- Oh, yeah? Really?

Give it back.