05x06 - Let Them Eat Cake

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, Tim.
- Hello, Heidi.

l got the expense report. You might wanna
look at this before it goes to the boss.

- Why do l want to look at it?
- Well, check out page two,

under the heading, ''Things Tim Broke.''

Porta-Potti, bucks.
Mm, not bad.

Plate-glass window, .

Fuse and circuit breakers, bucks?
Look, do me a big favor.

- You know that Binford paper shredder?
- Mm-hmm.

Why don't you be a good friend
and run this through that?

Well, l can't. You broke it.
bucks.

Well, why don't you help me out here

and find something that l haven't broken
and hide it in there.

''And here we have the complete line of
Binford pruners...

the complete line of
Binford power pruners...''

- What are you doing?
- Rehearsing.

''The complete line of Binford's...''
lt's in the script. Look.

Yeah, OK.

l don't know. Are we demonstrating
the extended version?

We are not! lf you'd read the script,
you would know that.

How can l read the script?
lt's in pieces.

- Hi, boys.
- (Tim) Hi, lrma.

So, who's looking forward
to tonight's Cable Awards?

Well, since you win everything every year,
l'm guessing you.

l do expect a statue or two for my special
'' Things You Can Do With A Squash.''

- l can think of one more.
- Oh, Tim.

You're such a little scallion.
Well, l'll see you tonight, boys.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

Sometimes that woman
really steams my rutabagas.

Don't let lrma get to ya. l think
we have a very good chance this year.

Yeah, right.

Come on, Tim.
Turn that frown upside-down. Come on.

We never win. We go to the awards show.
We look like a bunch of losers sitting there.

The crew gets all liquored up
and breaks things.

What do you say we bail out early
and go to Eddie's Halloween party?

We can't insult the nominating
committee. We can do both.

We'll go to the awards
and then to the party.

There's no point in going to the awards.
The judges don't go for family tool shows.

They go for those highbrow, urban,
cappuccinoradicchio shows.

May l remind you
that we've done some excellent episodes?

Pick any show from ''Stucco Week.''

- That's powerful television.
- Right.

And who wasn't moved
by our ''Salute to Toilets''?

We had the audience sitting
on the edge of their seats.

We deserve to be there.

- We do. Because we do quality television.
- Right.

l mean, how many shows teach people
how to use stuff like this?

Why can't l go trick-or-treating tonight?

'Cause you have a fever
and an ear infection.

But how am l gonna get any candy?

Well, when Randy goes out, he can just
ask for extra candy for his sick brother.

Mom...

l try that every year. lt never works.

l'll give you a note.

Oh, won't l be cool?

- ls he OK?
- Hi. Yeah.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hey. A change in plans.

l decided to go to the awards,
then we'll go to Eddie's party.

No, no, no. More change of plans.

We've lost the baby-sitter.
Somebody's gotta stay with Mark.

- Randy can stay.
- Can't do it, Dad.

l'm gong trick-or-treating
with a note from my mother.

- Hi, Mom, Dad.
- What are you up to tonight?

l'm just gonna hang out at Jason's.

- Hi. l'm Jason.
- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
- How you doin'?

- Tool Time is my favorite show.
- Brad tells me kids your age don't watch it.

Well, l'm a year older than Brad, sir. l know
that Tool Time isn't just about tools.

lt's a metaphor for how we live in the ' s.

lt is... it is... Yes.
Yeah, it is.

l like this kid.

Say, if you two
are just hanging out at Jason's,

why don't you hang out here?
The sitter canceled.

l don't want to ruin my night
baby-sitting Mark.

Don't be selfish. Help me out here.

lt's no big deal.
We can hang out here and watch TV.

Hey, Mr. Taylor, are the Cable Awards
being televised?

Absolutely. Channel
are pre-empting their programming.

Which consists of an infomercial
and test pattern.

You are funny!

- l bet you could have your own show, too.
- l bet you could run for office.

lt might not be a bad thing
to have a tool man in the White House.

Maybe fix what's wrong with this country.
Stick with it, young man.

Great.
Why'd you tell them we'd stay here alone?

Brad, let me do the math for you.

No parents, plus you and Senator Jason...

equals party!

My parents would k*ll me
if they found out l had a party.

Brad, l know you're just
a measly freshman, but stick with me

and you'll be a measly freshman
who threw one great party.

And wait till you meet my friends,
Page and Bridgett. Hello!

You're starting
to make a lot of sense, Senator.

And the winner
for Best Achievement in Sound is...

No surprise here. Cooking with Irma!

(screams)

How on Earth does she win for ''Sound''?

What kind of sound
does a baked chicken make?

(clucking)

(choking)

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

This award makes .

Or, as we like to say in my business,
a baker's dozen.

l'll tell you,
that woman really just ticks me...

Congratulations!

You have to admit her shows are good.
She did that fabulous series on desserts.

Did you see the one on the chiffon cake
with raspberry sauce?

- Yes! Weren't you dying?
- (clinking glass)

Excuse me. Got a minute?

- Sorry.
- What table are we sitting at?

The ''l love lrma'' table is right over there.

(Heidi) Sorry, Tim.

Look, l've had it. l'm gonna get out of here
and go to Eddie's party.

You can't leave the awards show in the
middle of it! That's poor sportsmanship.

Look at the Knitting with Norm table.

Have they won anything tonight?
No. But they're still here.

Do you want to be like him?

The man's knitting a toaster cover
in public.

But we can't all get up
and leave at the same time.

You're right. lt would look bad.

Al and llene, you go to the bathroom
and put your costumes on.

We'll meet you out in the lobby
in ten minutes.

- l don't want to go.
- Come on!

There's still five awards left,
and lrma can't win them all.

And now the award for Best Lighting.
The winner is...

Irma Goes to the Fruit Stand

All right, let's go change.
Come on, let's go.

Brad, you've been working on your hair
for an hour and a half.

Yeah. But you gotta admit it was worth it.

- What are you doing?
- Turning on the Cable Awards.

That way, when your parents get home,
we'll know what happened.

How'd you get so smart?

l've thrown a lot of parties
at other people's houses.

My ear hurts. l think l have pus.

You're fine.

How would you know?

l'm a doctor.

You're in high school.

l see patients during recess.

(doorbell)

That's them.
Get ready for the best night of your life.

Mark, here's a buck, OK? Go upstairs.

Best night of your life - two bucks.

Brad, this is Page and Bridgett
and some of their friends.

Hi, Brad. l love your hair.

l haven't even combed it yet.

- l brought some CDs.
- Which ones?

- l got the new m*nled Lizards.
- Cool!

The live album - m*nled in Moscow

(# rock)

(phone ringing)

Hey! Everybody, quiet! Parents alert!

Hello? Oh, hi, Mom.
Yeah, everything's fine.

Jason! Stop tickling me!

No, Mom. That was me.

l don't know. Jason's a tickler.

Yeah, everything's fine. Have a great time
and don't worry about us.

All right. Bye.

- Your parents aren't coming home early?
- No, no.

My mom was just calling
and asking about my little brother's pus.

My Little Brother's Pus. l love that band.

Next year they should just move
my table right up on the stage!

Or maybe have the ceremony
in your living room!

- (cackling)
- (imitates Irma's laugh)

(sighs)

What is it - Mark?

Mark's fine. l'm worried about
what else may be going on at the house.

- What else is going on?
- Well...

There was a lot of noise.
And Jason was tickling Brad.

Maybe we should go home.

lf Jason's tickling Brad,
l don't want to go home.

l just don't like that Jason.
He's just too smooth.

He's a good kid. lf it weren't for him, Brad
wouldn't be glued to the TV right now.

Hey, Brad!

Hey. Brad! How are you doing?

And now the award for the best show.

The nominees are Knitting with Norm
for his special on Japanese sweaters:

''Tora! Tora! lt's Angora!''

Cooking with Irma for her Christmas
special, ''Home for the Hollandaise.''

l can't take any more of this.
Let's go. Come on.

And Tool Time for their salute to engines,
''l Shoulda Had a V- .''

And the winner is...

Tool Time!

- Tool Time!
- We won!

Al, get out of the bathroom!
We won Best Show!

lt's about time someone took us seriously.

llene! We won!

Oh, you did?

Congratulations... Oh!

Come on, Fur Ball. Let's go get our award.

l can't go up there looking like this!

What are you - a man or a mouse?
Come on, buddy!

Well, l guess you feel pretty silly
right about now.

Um...

We have so much thanks from everybody
at Tool Time. which, of course, is a... a...

a show that is a metaphor
for how we live our lives in the ' s.

l want to thank... everybody
from Binford Tools, Heidi, of course.

My crew, if they can hear me out at the bar!

My three boys for inspiration.
And who am l missing? Um...

- Your wife.
- My wife. l'm sorry.

And most of all, this man next to me,
Al Borland,

whose professionalism
and class and dignity

has been an inspiration to many of us.

Thank you, Tim. l, uh...

Well, l just want to say that... that this
proves that dreams really can come true.

When l started out in this business...

well, l... l lived in a hole in the wall.

But...

Well, l want to say did l give up? Did l
run away with my tail between my legs?

No! No! l went on...

And on, and on, and on.

From both of us, thanks very much.
And good night.

Thank you, thank you.

Congratulations, buddy. Now you have
something to put on your mantel

instead of that big picture of your mom
you blew up.

That wasn't blown up.

- Let's see.
- Let's see.

(# rock)

- l love this music. Who is it?
- The Bloated Jellyfish.

Hey, l'm out. You got any butts?

Just one.
And don't even think about lighting it up.

Brad?

- What's going on here?
- A few friends dropped by.

- Great! Candy! Let's see what you got.
- Hey, that's mine. Give it back.

ln your dreams.

- Brad, you want to help me out here?
- l'm a little busy here.

- We'll help you out.
- Hey...

This is not good. Help!

Hey, Brad. Who's the guy
with the pumpkin on his head?

A guy who can get me in a lot of trouble
if he tells my parents. l'll be back.

Hey, Wilson. How's it going?

l'm gonna get you for this, Brad.

l thought you went to a Halloween party.

Well, actually,
l got back about a half an hour ago.

- You're having quite a party over there.
- Actually, it's not a party.

- l just had a few friends over.
- Hmm.

Last time l counted, it was .

Ah!

.

- You saw the whole thing?
- Actually, Brad, l heard it.

And l must admit the melodic appeal
of Bloated Jellyfish escapes me.

You see, l find them quite derivative of
My Little Brother's Pus.

You're not gonna tell my parents, are you?

Oh, Brad, Brad, Brad.

You put me in such a quandary.

On the one hand, is it a neighbor's place
to get his friend's son in trouble?

On the other hand, l'm reminded of
Quintus Horatius Flaccus, who said:

''For it is your business
if your neighbor's wall catches fire.''

Yeah, but what about the words of
a great American, Mister Rogers? He said:

''Won't you be my neighbor?''

Hm. Hm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, hm-hm.

(Jill) What is going on here?

- (Tim) Give me that beer!
- Who are these kids?

Hey, Lancelot! What are you doing here?

Puff and l own this castle.

l told you we should come home
and find out what's going on.

Mom? Dad?

- You guys came back early.
- What are all these kids doing here?

Mostly torturing me.

Where's Brad?

Well, gee, l don't want to get Brad
in trouble,

but check over there by the beer cans
and the cigarette butts.

(Jill) Brad!

Brad!

Brad!

You are in so much trouble!

And you know she means it.
You can tell by the look on her face.

(Jill) All right.
Let's go back to the beginning.

- Was this Jason's or your idea?
- lt couldn't have been Jason's.

Tool Time fans know right and wrong.

Have you not figured out yet that
that kid was conning you the whole time?

- Tool Time fans don't con.
- He's not a Tool Time fan!

You never answered my question!
Whose idea was this?

Jason's.

But you went along with it. We give you
responsibility, this is what happens?

- Hey, l didn't want any responsibility.
- OK.

We'll remember that in two years
when you want your driver's license.

By then l might be ready
for some responsibility.

We'll be the judge of that.

- Did it ever occur to you to just say no?
- Yes.

- But l didn't think it was that big a deal.
- Well, it is a big deal!

Your brother's sick, the house is a mess,
there are cigarette burns on the couch.

- And all this alcohol!
- They brought it! There's nothing l can do!

- l don't want them bringing alcohol here!
- l wasn't drinking!

Everybody was under age.

lf anything happened to these kids,
Puff and l would be responsible.

OK. l'm sorry, OK?

- l guess l wasn't thinking.
- You should have.

You have a month to think about it -
that's how long you're grounded.

- A month?
- That's right. A month.

You might as well begin right now
by cleaning this mess up.

Mr. Taylor! Hi.

Page and l are just in here looking
for the... vacuum. ls this where you keep it?

Get out here, Jason.

l want the truth and l want it right now.
One chance to come clean.

Are you or are you not a Tool Time fan?

l've never seen the show in my life.

(imitates Tin Man) Now l know
l have a heart because it's broken.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

l see you're still clutching that award.

l didn't realize l had it with me.

You took it in the shower this morning.

lt took me a long time to get this.
This means a lot to me.

l know, honey. And l think it's real cute.

l just hope that we don't have to sleep
with it again tonight.

No. l'm gonna make it a little bed.

- Where's Brad?
- Oh.

He's out raking the yard.
Then l'm gonna have him clean the attic.

You think he's gonna learn anything
from all of this?

When you did something wrong and your
parents punished you, did you learn?

No.

- Except to try harder not to get caught.
- Yeah.

Same with me. This is the point in my life
my mother was waiting for.

(feminine voice) One day l hope
you have a little boy just like you!

My mom said the exact same thing.
l can't believe it's actually come true.

So what do we do?

l guess we just keep trying to be the best
parents we can be, have a little faith...

hope that someday
he has a kid just like him.

When l started out in this business,
well, l... l lived in a hole in the wall.

But...

Well, l want to say did l give up? Did l run
away with my tail between my legs?

No! No! l went on...

And on, and on, and on!

From both of us, thanks very much.
And good night.

Thank you.