02x24 - Birth of a Hot Rod

[bunniefuu]

OK, all right, all right.

The moment has arrived. Here we go.

See if we can start this thing.
All right? Clear? Everybody?

(engine turns over)

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Come on! Come on!

Daah.

Boy. Listen to that baby purr.

- Dad... what did we do wrong?
- I don't know.

Could be ignition, could be distributor,
could be spark plugs.

Could be you.

Ease up, wing nut. Look.

Clean up some of these tools. I'm gonna
take a break and think about this.

Tim! (bangs on door)

Come on in.

I can't. The doorknob's still broken
and you didn't fix it.

- It's not broken. Lift it up to the right.
- (clunk)

Now, left, left. Up left.
Pull it a little bit and twist down on it.

You gotta push a little,
push a little bit with it.

- You said "pull."
- It's not brok...

Well, now you broke it.

You promised me
you were gonna fix that thing.

- I got my belt out, I'm half-done.
- That's you, Tim. You're always half-done.

- We had three kids, didn't we?
- We planned on six.

Hey, where are you going
with the doorknob? You gotta...

- Oh. You want to go outside? Here.
- You are so pathetic.

Look, look. This is you
doing household repairs.

(grunts)

You got a tool belt on,
put a little more beef in that grunt.

(deeper grunt)

Better.

All right. Jill asked me to fix that doorknob,
but before I do any actual work,

I'd better stop and think about it
for a couple of hours.

OK. Enough thinking. Now...

Gotta run to the hardware store

and buy hundreds of dollars' worth of tools
I don't need.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

There's no such thing as
a tool I don't need.

OK, Jill. I bought my new tools.

(falsetto) I can't believe
you bought another tool you don't need.

But, before I work, I gotta clear my head.

(belches)

Boy, Tim,
I don't think I've ever wanted you more.

(Jill) Well, what do you think?
Could we put the kids in the middle?

- (Mark) Hey, gimme that!
- No!

- I want it!
- Shut up!

Give it back!

Hey, hey, hey, I'm trying to work on
the engine out here. What's going on?

Dad, tell Mark to keep his grubby hands
out of the Cocoa Busters.

Mark!

But I want the -D baseball cards.

(grunts)

- -D? I'll get 'em out of there.
- Dad, they're not in there.

You have to eat eight boxes
and send in the proofs-of-purchase.

For a normal family that would
pose a problem, but we're Taylors.

Let's pig out. Open those hoods.

Very classy.

And the good news is, hon,

they got % of our daily minimum
requirement of riboflavin.

Whoa.

Riboflavin. Can't get enough of that.

Did you fix this burner over here
on the stove yet, honey?

- I was just working on the gas line.
- Oh.

Hey, Dad, I just hooked up the gas line
to the hot rod.

- The hot rod?
- Yeah.

Get your brothers, get upstairs,
get ready for school.

Tim!

- I just haven't finished it yet.
- You haven't started.

What about the ice dispenser?

- It's fine.
- Yeah. Fine.

It doesn't make ice, doesn't dispense.

(clunking noise)

You're not doing it right.
You ease it in there.

Two little taps here.

I see. So, to fill the glass, I just have
to do that, like, what, or times?

There's a little sprocket missing. I'll get
it at the hardware store this afternoon.

After I finish the motor.

- Tim, you know what your problem is?
- I think it's ignition.

No.

Your problem is if a job isn't fun,
or you can't power it up,

you're not interested in doing it.

Honey, I've been trying to get this thing
going for months.

I know, you've been spending
every spare moment.

I think the time is near.
This beast is ready to roar.

So is this one.

I tell you what. I am going to fix the stove
and I will fix the ice dispenser.

- You are so cute.
- What? You don't think I can do it?

No, I have a lot of faith.

Lot of faith in a woman who uses tool terms
like "whatchamacallit," "thingamajig"

and my personal favorite, "doohickey."

OK. I tell you what.
You don't want me to do the jobs?

When are you going to
fix the ice dispenser?

Soon.

- When are you gonna fix the burner?
- Soon.

- When, Tim? When?
- Soon, Jill, soon.

So, what? You're just gonna wait
until the burner backs up

and the whole house explodes?

We've survived explosions before, huh?

(mouths)

Hi, welcome to Tool Time Boy, this is one
of our favorite weeks of the year. Right, Al?

That's right, Tim. It's our annual
Lawn Care Week, right here on Tool Time

And, you know, you're judged
by the lawn you keep.

Guys, we want people
driving by our house and going:

"Hey. There's a nice lawn.
A real man lives there."

But the women don't seem to care.
They just drop their ThighMasters and go:

"Hey, get out there
and cut the grass, will ya?"

'Cause women don't understand.
We do not "cut the grass."

We mow the lawn.

We feed it, we pamper it, we nurture it.

We caress it.

Al. (whistles) Al.

It's a piece of sod.
You're not on shore leave, fella.

Well, as you can see, we have several
types of grass here for you to consider.

- Bermuda.
- Beautiful for shade.

- Kentucky bluegrass.
- Thick and robust.

And regular fescue.

Do you suppose if this grass had
an emergency, it'd call "Fescue, ?"

My guess would be "no."

Why don't we tell the folks what we have
coming up on Lawn Care Week.

Well, Tim, tomorrow,
we'll be doing our salute...

(cutting noise)

...to clippers.

On Wednesday, we'll be doing our salute...

(chh-chh-chh-chh)

...to sprinklers.

- But today, we're doing our salute...
- (moo)

...to fertilizer.

We salute cow dung today, because
it's a major component in all fertilizers.

And cow dung helps keep your lawn
healthy and vibrant.

- Al? Take over, I'll be right back.
- Uh, that's right, folks.

So, as you can see, we have many
different types of fertilizer for you

and I'm sure your local nursery
will be able to help you

choose the fertilizer
for your particular needs.

Or you can... cut out the middleman, Al,

and go right to the source.

(cheers and applause)

"Open and close the shutter
by twisting the air shutter screw."

Well, how am I supposed to open
and shut it if I don't know what it is?

This can't be the air shutter thing here
because there's no screw in it.

I'm home, guys. Think I got the right
parts for the rod. What are you doing?

I got tired of nagging you to fix it
so I'm gonna fix it myself.

Honey, you don't know what you're doing.
You're making a mess.

- You're gonna wreck this thing.
- Nag, nag, nag.

Phew.

Dad, you stink. Light a match, huh?

It's not me, wise guy, we did a little salute
to fertilizer on Tool Time

I got to ride a cow.

Why? Was the pig in the shop?

Maybe it was in
for its , -oink checkup.

Or it was having its porking brake fixed.

(laughing)

Is there a two-drink minimum in here?

Honey, go on upstairs and wash up,

'cause at : on TV they're showing
Porky and Bess

- Thanks.
- Later.

(scoffs) What is this?

I made a tool belt.

No, no, no. A man's tools do not sit
next to frills and flowers.

- Do you see any frills on this apron?
- What is that?

- A flower.
- Great.

Can I borrow that? I'd like to
take that down to a construction site.

"Hey, Tim, I love the frills and flowers
on that belt."

"You know, those tulips
really bring out the blue in your eyes."

This would have been
a real simple project,

now you screwed up,
it'll take me three times as long.

Cry me a river!

If you'd fixed this in the first place,
we wouldn't have this problem, would we?

So, it's my fault that you screwed it up?

Hey, this is no more screwed up
than it was before you didn't fix it.

I really want to argue with that,
but I have no idea what you just said to me.

- I'm gonna just call a repairman.
- Don't call a repairman. I'll fix it.

- I am calling a repairman.
- Jill...

I'm going to request a big tall hunk

with tight jeans and the sleeves
torn off his T-shirt.

Don't bother. After dinner, I'll get all buffed
up, put on my tool belt, rip off my sleeves

and you and I can play
"Buck and Betsy fix the stove."

So, are Buck and Betsy
gonna fix the ice dispenser too?

There's nothing wrong
with the ice dispenser.

Set the glass, ease it in. Hit it.

(Jill) How's it going, Gus?

Just fine. I'll be done with the stove
in a jiffy. Then I'll get the ice dispenser.

Ice! I'll have ice.
Little frozen cubes of water.

- I've waited so long. Thank you, Gus.
- My pleasure.

I could clean out these ignition holes
in the burner if you have a pipe cleaner.

Yeah, I got some in the garage.
I'll be right back.

- (Tim) Honey, I'm home.
- Hi!

- So, how was your day?
- Fine, thanks for asking.

Jill, the mustache is different.

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
You're even funny without Al.

(fakes laugh)

I see you met Gus. Here you go.
Gus is almost finished repairing the stove.

(teeth gritted)
You hired a repairman.

Yes. I did.

I hope my work gets
the Tim Taylor seal of approval.

Well, let's see what you did.

OK. I adjusted the screws on the gas line,

checked the electronic ignition switch

and replaced the burner manifold
assembly.

Yeah, just what I woulda done.

Wait till all the guys down at the shop hear

that Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor
needed me to do his household repairs.

You don't really need
to spread that around.

Are you kidding?
I'm gonna tell everyone I know.

Jill, can I speak to you in the garage
just for a moment? Excuse us, Gus.

Excuse us.

How'd you find him? How do you know
what kind of quality work he does?

What do you know about the guy?

That's why I called Al.
He recommended him very highly.

What?

You told Al I needed a repairman
in my own home?

Well, he didn't laugh that long.

He's gonna blab it all over Tool Time

What am I supposed to say
to my die-hard fans?

Put them both in the front seat of the car
and tell them the truth.

Mrs. Taylor, I've g...

Whoa.

- Are you building this?
- Yeah.

Come on, Gus. Let's go back
and get this ice dispenser done now.

Yeah, in a minute, Mrs. Taylor.

- Are those Harley carbs?
- Yeah. You into rods?

- I'm building a Vicky in my backyard.
- No kidding.

Yeah, this is a Chevy . I bored it
out to . I got a crank in there.

Wow.

(loudly) Isn't that fascinating?

Come on, Gus. Let's go get to work
on that freezer now, all right?

Yeah, in a minute. You must be
close to getting this started, huh?

Actually, I did. I gapped my plugs
different than I was supposed to

and I put a new curb on the distributor,
but I can't get it turned over right.

- I can't get it turned over right.
- Let me hear it. Let me hear.

- Really?
- Yeah.

(engine turns over)

You might have your ignition switch wires
on backwards.

Wh... Yeah. Never thought of that.
Maybe I do.

- Well, here, I'll give you a hand.
- All right!

Gus, Gus, Gus! Gus!

No, don't worry, Mrs. Taylor.
I'm taking you off the clock.

There you go, hon.

(slams)

- How long you had that Vicky?
- Two years.

- Hi, Wilson.
- Hi-ho, Tim.

You know, I just saw a repair truck
pull away. You got problems?

No. Jill called a repairman
to fix the stove and the ice dispenser.

Mm. Mm-hm.

Hey, I could've fixed both of them,
but I just found out about the ice dispenser.

I thought you had mentioned that
faulty ice dispenser to me three weeks ago.

Gee whiz, Wilson,
you don't have to jump all over me.

Well, I'm sorry, Tim.

The repairman didn't even fix the stove.
I got him kind of sidetracked on the hot rod.

Lot of good that did.
I still can't start the thing.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

- Jill said I was being irresponsible.
- I see.

I'm not irresponsible.
I do a lot of chores around here.

I help raise the kids.
I even cook dinner sometimes.

- You know, I never get credit for that stuff.
- Why should you?

Argh!

All that stuff you're supposed to do anyway.

Don't sneak up on me, please.

Wilson, I've been trying to get him
to fix that stove for three and a half weeks.

That's why I called the repairman.

I was gonna do it, you just
didn't give me the time.

Tim, you don't want me to nag you
about doing the jobs,

you don't want to do the jobs,

you don't want me to call a repairman.
What am I supposed to do?

Wilson, jump in any time.

I'm here for you, Tim. But this time
you haven't got a leg to stand on.

What is this? g*ng up on Tim day?

What is it with men, Wilson?

You know, they'll spend hours
on an engine, putting up a satellite dish,

but they won't take five minutes
and fix a simple little doorknob.

Well, Jill, I find your question
astute and sagacious.

Give it to her, Wilson.

That's a compliment, Tim.

See, Jill, historically,

men have been drawn to the jobs
that bring them attention and glory,

like discovering new lands
or winning wars.

Women, however, have been expected
to work quietly and steadily

to maintain the home.

But that's a long time ago, Wilson.
I mean, times are changing.

Women are working, men are staying
at home, both are working.

Roles are reversing.

Trenchant and perspicacious.

Now, that can't possibly be a compliment.

- I'm afraid so, Tim.
- Oh, you did it to me again.

Thank you, Wilson.

A wise man once said,
"Every job has one thing in common -

it has to be done
and it has to be done well."

- Well, that's kinda nice.
- Who said that?

You did.

(deep voice) I used to be
a pretty smart fella.

Well, it took a while,
but these babies are sharp.

Why, you could cut a lamb so close,
it'd have to join the Hair Club for Sheep.

"I'm not just a sheep,
I'm also the president."

I don't know, Tim. That was pretty baa-d.

Actually though, when you do
sharpen these at home,

it gives you a great deal of satisfaction,
but it also takes an awful lot of hard work.

That's true. Which brings us
to the Tool Time tip of the day.

Every job has one thing in common.

It must be done, and it must be done well.

- You know who said that, don't you?
- Yes, I do. I told you that last year.

- You did not.
- Yes, I did.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

- Did not.
- Did too.

- Not.
- Did. Too.

Remember, a real man
finishes any job he starts.

Even if it may be tedious or have no glory.
Right, Al?

That's true, Tim. Took me
almost a half hour to sharpen these

so you could come out, file them
for ten seconds and take the credit.

We have a very special guest
here on Tool Time

And I expect a very big Tool Time welcome

for hedge-clipping specialist Jim Lester.
Let's give it up.

- Good to have you here, Jim.
- Good to be here, Tim.

- Al.
- Jim.

Thank you, Lisa.

You're welcome, Tim.

Anyway, Jim's gonna share
some trade secrets of hedge clipping.

- Right, Jim?
- That's right, Tim.

Now, I always use a string as a guide
to give the hedge a nice straight line.

That's good advice. Good advice.

And for that particular job,

Jim would be using the Binford SHD
hedge clippers.

SHD. That's super-heavy-duty. (grunts)

You know, there's a lot of creative ways
to trim your hedges.

And Jim has been nice enough to bring out
some examples of his very nice work.

Now, Tim, these are called topiaries.

Each one takes hundreds of man-hours
to shape and cultivate,

and up to five years to grow.

Five years? (whistles)

I guess that's why they say:

It's a long way to Topiary

It's a long way to go, go, go

I understand that you... Wh...?

(sneezes)

Excuse me. I must be allergic
to something in here. Oh.

Anyway. Thanks, Al. So, I understand
you do a lot of this trimming by hand.

- Yes, I do. And with pruning shears.
- Want me to trim a little bit for you?

You'd better not.
It takes a lot of experience.

But I'll demonstrate some shaping
on the elephant with my pruning shears.

(sneezes)

And...

- There you have it.
- Hey.

Very very interesting, Jim,
and I really appreciate you being here.

And we'll be right back
after these messages from Binford Tools.

- How you doing, hon?
- (she grunts)

(Tim laughs)

What we have here is a Binford series Z,

dual spring action, circulating,
rotating doorknob.

(Tim) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

This bad boy can turn to the left,
turn to the right and open without falling off.

- Good job. Good job.
- Nice going, Mom.

- Thank you, I did it all myself.
- She did it pretty well, Dad.

She did. Maintaining a home is teamwork.

I help your mom, she helps me.
That's how we get the chores done.

Right. Did you get the ice dispenser fixed?

I not only fixed it, I made an improvement.

Boys, stand back.

Tim, this is my vacuum cleaner hose.

Not right now. I cleaned it out
and now it's Tim Taylor's party tube.

(upper-crust voice) Puffy, Muffy.

Can I freshen that drink? (laughs)

And maybe my young son wants
to get a drink at the couch. Go long, Brad.

Yes!

Brad and I regapped the plugs,
fixed the ignition.

I'm ready to start the engine.

(clears throat)

What's the matter, honey?
Aren't you gonna start it?

- I got goose bumps.
- You want me to start it?

No, no, no. I just want
to savor the moment.

You know, this idea started in my head,

and piece by piece,
the parts started to roll in.

For the engine or your head?

No, no, no.

Carburetors, from Cleveland. Yeah.

Fuel pump, Tulsa. Distributor, Akron.

- Crankshaft, somewhere in...
- Tim. Start the car.

So much for savoring the moment
with my loved ones.

It's time to bring the sleeping beast to life.

(engine starts)

- (Brad) Yeah!
- (Randy) Yes!

Yeah!

- Hi, I'm Gus.
- Hey, Gus.

Tim Taylor.

- Can I get you anything?
- You got a cold beer?

Cold ones are way in the back.
It'll take me a minute.

He's...

- He's getting a beer?
- He's getting me a beer.

He always takes a really long time
to do this.

- Here you go.
- Thank you very much.

- And here's the pipe cleaners.
- Yeah. OK.

- How long has that Jell-O been in there?
- A long time.

OK.