02x03 - The Missing Bus

[bunniefuu]

You see, Wilma? Millions of opportunities for men with solid backgrounds.

You're pretty solid in that department, all right.

Well, I'm glad you're taking this seriously, Wilma.

I hope you can still laugh on an empty stomach.

It's just that I hate to see 13 years in the quarry go down the hole.

Hey. Here's an opportunity.

"Wanted, person with long, tapering fingers to stuff cotton in little bottles.

Apply Bedrock Hospital."

And here's another.

"Wanted, person with long, tapering fingers..."

To take cotton out of little bottles.

Yeah. How did you know?

"Apply Bedrock Hospital."

[Horn honking]

[theme music playing]

[whistle chirps]

[siren wailing]

[whistle chirps]

Hold still, Wilma, while I pin this up.

This poor hemline has been raised and lowered more than Fred's paycheck.

Wilma, I've got a hunch Fred will come home tonight with something that will raise your spirits too.

Just think, Wilma, 13 years.

Yes, he's overdue for a promotion. That's a long time to sl*ve for one man.

Hm! You're telling me.

That's darn near as long as I've been slaving for Barney.

[door opens]

Well, if it isn't Her Royal Highness, Princess Flintstone and her all-girl figure.

[giggles]

Oh, Barney, this is just an old thing I threw on.

I like where it stuck. [laughs]

How about me, Prince Charming?

Any kind words for a poor sl*ve girl?

Only a kiss.

[Betty moaning]

All right, that's enough, you two.

Oh! What did you put in that last pucker? A porcupine?

Oh! Oh, sorry. Heh, I forgot the pins.

Well, hot lips, have you seen my husband?

Nope. I stopped by the quarry, but Fred was in with the boss.

Mr. Granite is probably making him a partner or something.

After 13 years on the old rock pile, Fred deserves a softer job.

Fred's a hard worker. It's time he got some of the cream.

[door opens]

[Fred mumbling incoherently]

[Wilma] Looks like the cream curdled.

Hiya, Fred. What's the good news?

This marking the 13th anniversary of my association with the Granite Quarry and Gravel Company, Inc., you'd think the company would incorporate a little something extra in my pay envelope, like a raise.

Right, Wilma? Right.

You'd think I could expect a little pat on the back, right?

Right.

Well, I got the pat on my back, all right. With a knife.

But I thought Mr. Granite was going to offer you a new job.

Oh, he did. With a big, fat cut in my paycheck.

Oh, Fred, no! So, what did you say to Mr. Granite?

I kept my temper. I didn't want to say anything I'd be sorry for.

I took a long, deep breath, counted to 10 slowly, and then, kind of casual-like, I said, "Granite, it's time we had a man-to-mouse talk."

You're so cheap, you look over the top of your glasses to keep from wearing them out.

You're so stingy that if your wife got hiccups you'd rent her out to a glass blower.

In brief, Mr. Granite, you are nothing but a short, bald, disagreeable, "old sl*ve-driving sourpuss."

That's telling me, Fred.

You didn't say that.

Are you kidding? I certainly did.

[Wilma] And what did he say to you? Nothing.

[Wilma] Nothing? Nope.

When I was taking that first, long, deep breath and counting to 10 slowly, the little sneak left the office.

Oh.

I'm glad.

Maybe you'll both feel differently after you've slept on it.

Fred Flintstone isn't gonna get cheated out of his rights.

I'm resigning.

Attaboy, Fred. Don't take it lying down.

But how can you leave the quarry? You have nowhere else to go.

That's beside the point. I believe every man should think for himself.

If I let the boss start pushing me around, I lose my identity.

You also lose the house, the car, and your bowling ball, since you still have payments on all these.

Very funny. Very funny.

I can always get a job.

There are plenty of openings for a wide-awake promoter like me.

Right, Barney?

[snoring]

Barney?

Uh... Right, Fred. Uh, nobody catches you sleeping.

[snoring continues]

Boy, they sure make the Sunday paper heavy.

No wonder the dog won't carry it in.

[crashing]

You see, Wilma? Millions of opportunities for men with solid backgrounds.

You're pretty solid in that department, all right.

Well, I'm glad you're taking this seriously, Wilma.

I hope you can still laugh on an empty stomach.

It's just that I hate to see 13 years in the quarry go down the hole.

Hey. Here's an opportunity.

"Wanted, person with long, tapering fingers to stuff cotton in little bottles.

Apply Bedrock Hospital."

And here's another.

"Wanted, person with long, tapering fingers..."

To take cotton out of little bottles.

Yeah. How did you know?

"Apply Bedrock Hospital."

Your soft-boiled egg is ready.

Hey. You open it, Wilma, will you? I always get pieces of shell in it.

All right, Fred.

Oh, dear.

[squawks]

[sighs] I guess I didn't cook it long enough.

Someday I'd like one of those new, self-winding hourglasses with the sand curved to fit your wrist.

Never mind, Wilma. I'll buy you one for every day in the week.

Hey. Listen to this. "Wanted, go-getter", cool, young, mature and responsible to supervise select group.

Established territory, short hours, long coffee breaks.

Fringe benefits and free hospitalization.

Applicant must be brave, trustworthy, loyal, courteous, kind, "and willing to travel." [chuckles]

Who, uh, does that sound like?

Why, Fred, it's you.

That's the same character analysis you got from your last Chinese fortune cookie.

Yeah. Well, Confucius knew what he was talking about.

I'm going right down tomorrow and snag that job.

I'll show Granite he can't push me around.

[people chattering]

I'm afraid by the time we get there, the go-getter job will be gone.

I wouldn't worry. I'm Mr. Pebbles, the personnel manager the one who has to screen the applicants, Mr...?

Oh. Fred Go-Getter, I mean, Flint Fredstone. [stammering]

Uh, Mr. Pebbles, why don't you just go to the head of the line?

I just hate to be pushy.

Well, uh, Mr. Pebbles, how did I do on that ape-titude test? Pretty good, huh?

It shows initiative.

You're the first to ever succeed at putting a square peg in a round hole and vice versa.

Amazing!

I told you I was the man for the job.

I know how hard it is to find good executive-type material.

So, Pebbles, you finally found a candidate.

How did he come through the screening tests?

He was too large to filter through some of them.

Yes, the colleges aren't turning them out like they used to.

He is a college graduate? No, A.A.

Well, then I assume he's an athletic type, in top-drawer condition?

No, A.A. Middle drawer?

Uh-uh. No drawer! Well, does he have references?

Afraid not, A.A.

Well, has he ever done this sort of work before?

Uh, I don't think so, A.A.

Good! Then he's just the man for the job. Send him in.

Oh, Mr. Flintstone, you can come in now.

[A.A.] Well, Flintstone, I guess Pebbles told you about the job?

[Pebbles] Not yet, A.A. [A.A.] Well, Fred, have a cigar.

This is an important job, Flintstone.

The future of our country may depend on you.

You have the destinies of half a hundred souls right there in your clammy hands.

I'm ready to take over immediately. What do I do?

We want a man who doesn't know the meaning of the words "procrastination" or "intimidation", or "capitulation." Yes, sir.

[A.A.] And you're that man. Like I said, I'm ready to take over.

Do you have any children?

No, I'm sorry. I don't have any children.

Don't feel badly. Soon you'll have 50 of them.

[Fred] What?

Tomorrow morning, you'll roll out of the Carborundum Car Barns on your first mission, in full command of Bus Number 9.

[coughing and wheezing] Bus number...?

Children? Bus Number 9?

Precisely. We advertised for a go-getter, and you're the goat.

I mean, go-getter. Go get the bus, and go get the kids.

And go, go, go. Go, go, go?

It's nice of you to offer your help, Barney, but I'd hate to see you late for work.

A friend in need is a noble deed.

The nice thing about my job is, if I'm not there, no one notices.

You're the one with responsibility now.

Fifty future Presidents counting on Uncle Fred to guide them.

Aw.

It's an honor to be your co-pilot on your first mission.

There she is. Number 9 and all mine.

Gee, what a record. Look at all those safe round trips.

Gee, Fred, with that hat on, you look just like a ship's captain.

It's, uh, got some kind of inscription on it. Uh...

"Neither snow nor rain, nor heat, nor traffic, nor sleepless nights, nor nagging backache shall stay these couriers from their appointed rounds."

All right. Never mind that.

Now read the instructions from the driver's manual.

[Barney] "Before starting engines, consult check list."

Okay. "Switch off"? Check.

"Brake on"? Check.

"a*t*matic doors operative"? Check-a-roonie.

"Fuel supply"? Plenty.

"Make sure you are seated comfortably."

[Fred] Mm...

Right. Contact!

[Fred] Contact!

"First you put your two feet close up tight."

The clutch is on the left, and the brake is on the right.

Take hold of the wheel kind of nice and light.

Then twist it around with all your might.

Now shove your loving hand way out in space and ease it into gear with style and grace.

If you've gone this far, you can't turn back.

"Geronimo! And good luck, Jack."

Co-pilot to pilot. Approaching first pickup. Little Rosalee Gypsum.

Yep. There she is, right on time.

Hi, Mrs. Gypsum. I'm the new school bus driver, Fred Flintstone.

Oh, well, this is my daughter little Rosalee Gypsum.

She's gonna be a big star someday.

Show him your new ballet step, Rosalee.

She does adagio too.

I wanna be normal like other kids.

Shut up and do your soft-shoe for the nice man. One, two...

Excuse me, Mrs. Gypsum, but we're falling behind schedule.

What do you got against showbiz?

Nothing, lady, but I've gotta pick up some more children. All aboard, Rosalee!

Well, all right, but drive carefully. [Fred] Yes, ma'am.

[engine sputters]

I got a lot of money tied up in her act!

[bus tires screeching]

I'm Mrs. Gabbystone, and these are my children, Paul, Hope, Hillary, and James.

I and wonder if it would be too much trouble to ask you to drive fast past fields of goldenrod?

Well... Poor little Paul has hay fever.

Goodbye, children, and be good.

And please don't let Hope sit next to Shirley Shale.

I'm mad at her mother.

Oh, and I promised little Jimmy he could sit in your lap.

He's such an insecure child. But please take it easy turning corners.

He gets carsick.

I wish they'd get some friendlier drivers. He didn't even say good morning.

And this guy, Pebbles, told me this was a mild run!

[whimpers]

You've only got 45 more passengers to go.

Boys. Boys. Bruce, Robert!

Well, Robbie hit me first!

He hit me first, after I hit him back.

Well, stop fighting till you get on the bus.

[tires screeching]

What happened to Charlie? Charlie?

The other bus driver with the white hair.

White hair? I guess they retired him.

Why? He was only 27.

Now, Alvin, you have to go to school.

Why? I can't read, and I can't write yet.

They won't let me talk and I'm tired of finger-painting.

Well, your daddy is A.A. Carborundum.

Don't you want to grow up and be a big businessman like him?

No, I want to grow up and be normal, like all the other kids.

Hi, there, young feller. What's your name?

Alvin.

Alvin what? Alvin, thank you.

No. No, I mean, your other name. What does your mommy call your daddy?

She don't call him anything. She likes him.

Well, what does the name say on your mailbox?

U.S. Mail.

Say, isn't your father A.A. Carborundum? Yeah. So what?

Well, do you know who I am?

You mean you don't know that, either? Smart-aleck kid.

Oh, boy.

Barney, give me that speech again about being responsible for the future presidents and like that.

Barney! [bus tires screeching]

All right, Rubble, I see you sneaking out that window.

Come back here, you coward, and finish this mission.

[Barney] Well, captain, mission accomplished.

[Fred groans]

My nerves are shot.

Fred, baby, relax. The pressure's off.

Decompress, or you'll get the bends.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I can take it easy now.

Sure. You got four hours to get your strength back, for the return trip.

Yeah, I better take you to work. You're late too.

Well, I'll make up for it. I'll leave early.

Hey, and after you drop me, get yourself a nice, hot cup of coffee, and give the tension a chance to seep back into your body again.

Barney's right. A nice cup of java.

That must be a good place to eat.

Look at all those school buses parked in front.

[door opens, then slams shut]

Don't ever do that! Can't you read the signs?

We run a quiet diner here.

If you're gonna start a fight, go somewhere else.

These guys all school bus pilots? Yeah. A brave breed.

I know. I was just through a rough mission myself.

Where? From Bedrock to Red Rock.

Did you say Red Rock? Yeah, Red Rock.

Red Rock! Red Rock! Red Rock!

[cackling maniacally]

You'll have to forgive Charlie. He had your route.

But we're not all that unstable.

Some of us have been school pilots for years. It hasn't affected us.

We're just plain, ordinary guys doing a job that must be done, so we can get home again, to Morn's apple pies, the corner drugstore, and the nice girl next door.

So long.

[cackling maniacally]

Poor guy is about as punchy as they come.

They had to retire him after his first week.

Caught him weaving in heavy traffic.

He wasn't moving. He was just sitting in his bus, weaving.

Gee, and I've had just one mission.

Oh, well, take it from me, if you don't go right back out again, you'll lose your nerve.

Not me. I'm quitting right now.

Well, Mr. Carborundum, I've been thinking it over and I'm not sure I like this job.

Nonsense, Flintstone. They all say that after the first trip.

The shock will wear off, and in a week or so you'll be nice and numb.

Yeah, well, I don't feel so good now.

My, uh, eyesight seems to be fading. You know, double vision and spots.

I can't focus, and like that.

We're covered by hospitalization.

If you need eyeglasses we'll have the bus windshield ground to your prescription.

Uh... you wouldn't send a relief driver out for the 3:00 run, would you?

Fred. Fred, listen to me, boy. I'm going to say something important.

I'm listening.

Four score and seven years ago I founded this company dedicated to the proposition that all children should be treated equal.

All we ask of you is blood, sweat, and tears.

And so we shall go on to the end. We shall keep them rolling.

We shall fight in the seats and in the aisles.

We shall fight on the freeways and in heavy traffic.

We shall never falter.

Now go get them, and bring them home!

This has been a recording.

[engine chugging]

Oh, boy, I dropped the last kid off, and I'm ready to drop myself.

Now what? Stop! Stop the bus!

Gee, lady, I'm sorry, I'm all out of kids.

I must have dropped yours off at the wrong stop. What did it look like?

[whispering indistinctly]

Don't worry, lady. [stammering] I think I know where it is. Hop in.

[woman] All right, but please hurry.

Yes, Mrs. Shale, the driver left the Gabbystone kiddies at your house, and you're not talking to Mrs. Gabbystone.

We'll send a neutral troubleshooter out to exchange the children.

[woman chattering] No, Mrs. Quartz, the driver shouldn't have let Shirley out in the middle of the freeway.

[woman chattering] No, madam. I can tell you're upset.

I know Rosalee is going to be a big stage star, Mrs. Gypsum.

She lost what? [Gypsum chattering]

A special arrangement of Chopin's "Funeral March"?

Yes, madam, but you're not the only parent with the wrong child.

Give me your little tyke's name, and we'll see if someone else got him.

[woman chattering] Alvin Carborundum? Alvin!

Agatha, is that you? This is terrible!

Pebbles!

[A.A.] You've been with us a long time, haven't you, Pebbles?

You are one of the older men, weren't you?

Yes, sir, I am. Uh, I was.

You recommended Flintstone. I'd say you gaffed!

No, sir, A.A. You mean goofed, not "gaffed."

Goofed, gaffed! All I know is that Flintstone left Red Rock School at 3:00, dropped his last pupil off at 4:15, five minutes from here, and there's no sign of him!

He couldn't have vanished into fat air! You mean "thin air."

When I'm talking about Flintstone, I mean, "fat air"!

Gee, I'm getting worried. The boys should have been here by now.

Well, Fred has to drop his bus off, get Barney, and then drive home.

That takes time.

Where's that Fred? He forgot to pick me up.

Isn't he with you? Nope.

And he isn't back at the bus barns, either.

I called up, and they've got a reward out.

For Fred? No, for the bus he stole.

If I ever catch him, I'll have him drummed out of the service.

He won't be able to drive a dog team for the Eskimo Rapid Transit Company.

It's usually the high-strung types that break down.

I was sure Flintstone was too low-strung to snap.

Mr. Carborundum, I'm Wilma Flintstone. Where's my Fred?

I'm A.A. Carborundum. Where's my bus?

Oh! If anything happened to Fred, I'll die.

If anything hasn't happened to him, I'll k*ll him!

Uh, just a second, Mr. Fumdum. You don't know Fred stole the bus.

Have you called the Missing Persons Bureau to give them Fred's description?

I'm afraid if I did, the phone company would yank the phone out.

[phone ringing]

[Pebbles] Hello?

[woman chattering] Uh-oh.

A.A., it's the hospital on the phone. Fred!

A.A. Carborundum speaking. [woman chattering]

Yes, Fred Flintstone is one of my drivers.

[chattering continues] Ward 12? I want to speak to him!

I don't care if he's been given sedatives.

Was there an accident? I hope not.

That bus only had 100,000 miles on it.

Let me have that phone.

Nurse, what's happened to Fred? [nurse chattering]

Shock? Well, what's wrong with him? [chattering continues]

I don't think I heard you right. Would you repeat that, please?

[chattering continues] What's wrong, Wilma?

The nurse said Fred had fallen asleep, but not to worry.

Mrs. Flintstone was doing fine!

Shh. He's probably sleeping.

[people chattering]

[man 1] All right, just a little more. [man 2] Oh, that's good.

[man 3] Fine. Wonderful!

[man 1] Give us that smile again, Flintstone.

[cameras clicking]

[man 4] Great. Give us the look when you first realized your passenger's condition.

[clicking continues]

[Wilma] Fred!

[Fred] Hi, Wilma, where you been? I was worried about you.

Tell us, Flintstone. Weren't you afraid it would happen right there on the bus?

Well, I'll tell you... Pish-tush, gentlemen, when you're used to carrying 50 little future presidents on a bus every day another one or two is nothing.

I'm a buddy of Mr. Flintstone's.

Rubble's the name. R-U-B...

Weren't you worried about losing your job for taking a school bus off the route?

I believe I can answer that for you, gentlemen.

Mr. Flintstone has a lifetime position with us.

One of the most valuable men we have. In fact...

Just a minute!

He's not your valuable man, he's my valuable man.

Who are you? I'm J.J. Granite, Fred's boss.

And I'm here to give him his job back.

[A.A.] Well, I'm here to give him his job back.

[J.J] Well, I intend to give him a raise.

Well, I intend giving him a raise too.

Well, I'll see your raise, and throw in a gold wrist sundial.

[A.A.] Just a minute! He's our hero. I'll make it two gold watches, and raise you a brand-new school bus with a soundproof glass partition to shield Fred from the passengers' fallout.

Well, Mr. Granite, your turn to top him.

Sorry, Fred. I was hoping you'd come back to the rock pit, but if you're set on driving a school bus, after all, it isn't every man with a stomach to face 50 howling kids every day.

Behind his back.

In fact, even with the raise I just promised the job I had you in mind for was, uh, kind of hazardous.

Hazardous? After driving a school bus?

Yeah. This was driving a truck, a dynamite truck.

Well, why didn't you say so? I'll take that cinchy job.

Oh, Fred.

Oh, Mr. Flintstone, would you like to see your godchildren now?

You mean there are a pair?

[Fred] Better than a pair. Three of a kind.

[crying]

[Wilma] Oh, they're cute. What are their names?

What else? Fred, Fred, and Fred.

Three Freds? But isn't that confusing?

Yes, considering that they're all girls.

[both laughing]

[Theme music]

[yawns]

Wilma!

Wilma!

Come on, Wilma, open the door!

Wilma!