02x10 - Password: Swordfish

[bunniefuu]

It's alive!

One, two, three.

Paper beats face!

One, two, three.

Rock punches nuts!

One, two, three.

- Scissors in your anus.
- I hate this game.

Our Care Bear franchise
is on the brink of collapse.

Corrupted by impure creatures
that leach off our sunshine land.

I'm talking of course
about the Care Bear Cousins.

Care Bear Cousins suck!

I may be Love-A-Lot Bear,
but I can hate a lot, too.

We can no longer ignore
the elephant in the room.

Did I miss something?

We must send them all
to the Great Cloud Keeper in the sky.

Bedtime Bear.

Y'all know what time it is.
It's bedtime!

And by bed, I mean ethnic,
and by time, I mean cleansing.

Care-a-Lot!
Care-a-Lot!

- Care-a-lot!
- Stop.

Famous character actor
Don Cheadle.

You don't have to do this.

I've built a hotel
where the Cousins can be safe.

Yeah, we can keep
the corpses in there.

No, that's not what I meant at all.

I loved you in Swordfish, Mr. Cheadle.

- Can I have your autograph?
- OK.

I'm Lots-a-Laughs Bear...

and I've gathered y'all here today
for a special, happy celebration.

If it's a special, happy celebration...

then why am I crapping
a load in my drawers?

We did it!
We k*lled all the Care Bear Cousins!

Hooray for m*rder!

Now let us celebrate our genocide!
Get your party on!

Everyone, eat some rainbow!

That's good rainbow.

It's the Great Cloud Keeper in the sky!

Care Bears, I have watched
your actions with great displeasure.

But we purified the land of Care-a-Lot.

For your dark and terrible deeds...

I shall turn Care-a-Lot
into a dark and terrible place.

A hell on earth,
I shall turn Care-a-Lot into...

New Jersey.

Hello, I'm New Jersey's Governor,
Jon Corzine.

I hope you've enjoyed this reenactment
of our State's proud history.

The Garden State.

Come get in on some of this rainbow.

Did you get it?

Nice shoes, but they'd look
much better in my pants.

Wait, I mean,
are you from heaven?

'Cause I've got an erection.

Rob Schneider.

If he wasn't so handsome,
I would stop seeing his movies.

- Don't you agree, little Heimlich?
- Ya, papa.

Look out my papa!

Papa!

Papa!

No!

And punch and kick, and punch and kick,
and punch and kick...

and jazz hands,
and punch, and good.

Good, young Heimlich.
You are learning very fast.

- Are you ready to face your deepest fear?
- Yeah.

- He's choking!
- He's a goner, Heimlich.

Nein, he's practice.

Heimlich, that maneuver
is the key to your greatness.

You are ready.

The Choker!
His portions are always too big.

Heimlich, do the maneuver!

Heimlich, how can we ever thank you?

Mit bratwurst and beer.

And that is how I,
Joel Schumacher, see it.

It's always sausage with you, isn't it?

Mary had a little lamb.

Mary had a little lamb.

Mary had a... little lamb.

Ricky, the doctors
say the accident left you mute.

Do you know what that means?

It means you can't talk no more!

But just because you can't talk,
don't mean you can't communicate.

Look what I got you.
You wear this everywhere you go.

Kick it over here,
Hi, my name is Ricky.

Nice job on defense,
Hi, my name is Ricky.

You suck. You seriously
f*cking suck dude.

Ricky, the doctors
say the accident left you mostly deaf.

Do you know what that means?

I said do you know what that means?

Well, anyway, this is just another
challenge, huh, champo?

I got you these hearing aids.

Nice hustle,
Hello, I'm hearing impaired.

You kind of suck,
Hello, I'm hearing impaired.

Ricky, the doctors
say the accident affected your brain.

We don't really know
what that means yet...

but I got you these googly eye glasses.

We won,
Howdy, I have brain damage!

Three cheers for
Howdy, I have brain damage.

That was really something.
Which kid is yours?

That fat Asian kid.

Oh, my God!

Jeffrey, we're out of ice cream!

Look, Potter, I taught
the Sorting Hat a new trick.

Virgin!

Looks like Potter
is He Who Shall Not Be Laid.

Guess the monster Pubertus
hasn't caught up with you yet.

Pubertus is just a myth, Malfoy.

Second base.

Class, today we shall be learning spells
which give objects the property of wood.

Property of wood?
That's happening to me right now.

Pubertus.

Professor Dumbledore, I think
the monster Pubertus has cursed me.

- Yo.
- Who are you?

- Harry, it's me. Dumbledore.
- But Dumbledore isn't...

Listen I'm a different actor
in every movie.

Here, this might aid you.
It was your dad's.

It's engraved.

"This handy stone fits in your palm,
but only heat will turn it on. "

I know what turns me on.

Halle Berry in Swordfish.
DVD's pauses.

- Oh, no!
- What is it, Ron?

The monster Pubertus
has cursed me, too.

He's even cursed Scabbers.

- All right, you can stop now.
- What are we going to do?

- Let's ask Hagrid for help.
- Don't be ridiculous, Hermione.

We need to confront
the terrible horror ourselves...

and potentially end up
hospitalized like always.

All right, just finish.

Professor Snape, Harry and Ron have been
cursed by the monster Pubertus.

Pubertus, eh?

Let's discuss this further
in my magical jacuzzi.

Barry Whitus,
Candle Lightus, Girl Excitus.

¤ Get into my tub ¤

So, shall we play
put the Sorting Hat on the Slytherin?

Pedophilius Repelus!

According to legend,
Pubertus lives in this dungeon.

Harry, I'm scared.

You're always scared,
you chicken sh*t.

I can't help it!

I'm a scared, pimple-faced,
red headed chicken sh*t virgin!

Ron, shush.
Do you hear that noise?

Pubertus!

Hormones Controlus!

"Only heat will turn it on. "
I must have to rub this stone.

It worked!

Quickly, Harry, rub it out again!

Harry, rub another one out! Quickly!

I'm rubbing as hard as I can!
The stone is getting all chaffed.

Harry, I forgot to explain.

The Rubbing Stone can only
be used three times in a day.

Four, if you take a week off.

Then how do we defeat Pubertus?

Man, you can't defeat Pubertus!
He lives inside y'all.

Just as my own demon,
Wandas Limpus...

prevents me from having
meaningful relationships.