07x05 - Legion of Super-Gyros

[bunniefuu]

[Thunder crashes]

[Laughs evilly]

[Sawing]

[Electricity crackles]

It's alive!

[Thunder crashes]

[Laughs evilly]

[Smooch!]

[Laughs evilly]

[Dance music plays]

Uh...

Mmm... M&M's.

[Crunch!]
Oh f*cking gross, man.

This isn't even close to an M&M.

[Chuckles]
They're Reese's Piece...

[gasps]
What the hell?!

[Growls]
This one's throat is injured.

Their race is so primitive
and yet so fascinating.

♪ Their skin is naked
to the breeze ♪

♪ Did their fur fall out
from some disease? ♪

♪ They're pale and frail
and smell like a latrine ♪

♪ But I feel like I must
take the risk,

for my chosen job is
scientist ♪

♪ So even though my friends
might find it too obscene ♪

♪ I'm gonna f*ck a human ♪

- What?
- ♪ f*ck a human ♪

♪ f*ck a ♪

♪ f*ck a human ♪

Cornelius, my pencil broke.
Be a dear and fetch me another?

Right away.

Phew!

♪ This chick's cute,
but smells like balls ♪

♪ I guess she'll do when
nature calls ♪

♪ But astronauts are used
to better ta-a-a-ng ♪

♪ Zira needs an astro-pimp ♪

♪ I'm limp to blimp
when I see that chimp ♪

♪ Perhaps our common language
will be "g*ng bang" ♪

♪ I'm gonna f*ck a monkey ♪

♪ f*ck a monkey ♪

♪ f*ck a ♪

♪ f*ck a monkey ♪

Human, you can talk!

Hell yes, I can talk,
and I can also hear,

like when I hear
damn dirty apes vowing

to stick their damn dirty ape
dorks into us humans.

And I heard you vow to put
your disgusting, hairless,

human skin flute
into one of us apes.

On my planet,
we have a term for this...

BOTH:
"Best Summer Ever!"

If his theory is correct,
any one of those diseases

could be used to camouflage him
from the zombies.

But he doesn't know which
diseases are in the vials.

No, not that one.

Oh, this is brutal.

- Oh, God, he's...
- No.

Yep, he just injected himself
with AIDS.

It worked.

Oh, but he definitely has
AIDS now.

Oh, geez, he's...
he's celebrating.

[Exhales sharply]
This is sad.

What's he doing now?
Is he going back for more?

Oh, I can't watch this.

Oh, God, we are making
a snuff film.

Isn't AIDS a livable disease
nowadays?

That's HIV, not AIDS.

Come on, no!

Oh, this is brutal.

- What's he doing now?
- D-Don't. No, don't! Don't do it!

- This is absurd.
- Did he just drink his own piss?!

He's all hopped up on AIDS.

Whoo!

Where did he get that sombrero?

It was first prize for
putting a fork in World w*r Z!

[Groans]

[Retching]

Oh, boy, it sure is a great day
here on Sesame Street!

Yeah, especially since we're
the last neighborhood

in New York that hasn't been
gentrified.

Until today, because our
special guest is Hannah Horvath

from the "marginally popular,

but ignored in the flyover
states"

HBO series "Girls."

Hey! Do you know where I could
find a cocaine dealer/

organic Vietnamese taco truck
around here?

f*ck me.

Ooh, you're so cute.

I really love how you don't
play games, Grover.

Oh, but I play lots of games...

Patty Cake and Marco Polo...

Oh, yeah!
Insult my parents!

[Moans] Oh, yeah!
- Whoa!

Today we are going to learn
about the number .

I have three apples.

And I know three girls
who were date-r*ped

at the same bar on Sixth Street.

That is sad.
- [Chomp!]

Uh... you're eating my props.

- I'm proud of my body.
- I know. I know.

[Groans] Yeah! Yeah!
- Oh, god!

[Laughs]
Yeah!

[Tires screech]

f*cking Jerry, man.

That guy is always straight-up
k*lling it.

And now back
to "Indian Love Boat."

Siva will marry my Uncle Jarish,

for he has paid her dowry.

And, Ravi, you will marry

the -year-old daughter
of your neighbor.

But I have already known
Ravi's touch!

- You whore!
- I have shamed my family!

[Water splashes]

♪ The Indian Love Boat ♪

[fog horn blows]

♪ Was this sketch progressive or r*cist? ♪

♪ The Indian Love Boat ♪

♪ I wrote it, and frankly I'm not sure ♪

♪ The Indian Love Boat ♪

♪ Could I show this to an Indian
friend? ♪

♪ The Indian Love Boat ♪

[elephant trumpets]

♪ Maybe it's best to
just move on ♪

NARRATOR:
In , two twins met

and reunited their mom and dad
in...

BOTH:
A Parent Trap!

Now we find out
how it all began...

- I want a divorce!
- Thank God!

...with two little
complications...

- You're pregnant.
- BOTH: Aw f*ck.

- With twins.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

...and only one solution.

- What? You want to split up
twin sisters?

You understand that children are
not like monetary possessions.

- I do not, your honor!
- Neither do I!

Okay, I'll allow it.

You go back to England
with yours.

And you stay here with yours.

BOTH: And we never let them
know the other exists.

[Clap!]

Sometimes happy endings have

truly horrifying, glossedover
beginnings!

[Laughing]
Bye forever!

Ideally!

It's good to be back.

Cool, man.
Where's my food?

Oh, it's over there.

Yeah, it's on the filthy
ground now,

'cause we hear that you eat
food off the filthy ground now.

f*cking savage.

And we are in month three
of overtime

as the puck is still stuck
under player 's foot.

[Knock on door]

Oh, goodie!
The whore I ordered.

- Oh!
- Hello, Mr. Franklin!

Oh, if only there was a way
I could see

more of her body
and less of that face.

Oh, well.
It's not like they make glasses

with two different types
of lenses.

Hmm...

NARRATOR: And it was on that night
that Benjamin Franklin came up

with one of his most famous
inventions.

There... should be a...
postal service!

- Oh, yeah!
- [Moans]

Ugh, Bruce! All we've done
since we got to Florence

is sit at different cafés

and wait for Alfred to
randomly walk in.

Listen, Selina, I know Alfred goes
to some café along the Arno,

I just don't know which
one, okay?!

Can't you just tell him
you're alive in an e-mail?

This is my fifth espresso today.
I am about to sh*t myself!

Selina, if you can just be
cool, like, for once,

this has the potential to be such
an epic and awesome moment!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Shut the f*ck up. He's here!

Just look cool!

[Dramatic music plays]

That was it?
[Farting]

Aah! I told you!

God damn it, Selina!

[Italian accent]
Hey, is that-a Bruce Wayne?

He's alive!
- Son of a bitch.

Ch-ch-ch-cheese!!

Crikey! Tastes like someone
cranked off on me gums!

Monterey!
That's my vegan cheese!

Call it cheese one more time.
I dare you, sweetheart.

I f*cking dare you!!

You won the day, but I'll get
you next time, Gadget!

[Telephone rings]
Yes?

- Hi, is this Dr. Claw?
- Yes.

Yeah, hey, Dr. Claw.
So, my name is Nev.

I'm actually a friend of
Inspector Gadget,

and he tells me
that you guys have been

in some kind of death struggle
for about years now?

[Groans]
That's right.

- And you've never met.
- I'm shy.

So, this is weird, but I make a show
for MTV called "Catfish,"

and I'd like to set up a meeting

with you and Inspector Gadget.

I guess.
Sure.

Are you ready for this?

To meet the man who's plotted
in secret to destroy my life,

all because you offered us
a chance to be on television?

It makes perfect sense!

My brain's been replaced
with a boxing glove.

[Door opens]
Hold on.

My name is Regina Claw.

And I've been trying to k*ll you
because I'm in love with you.

Go, go, Gadget closure!

[Both crying]
My enemy, my friend.

Hi, I'm Nev. A couple years ago,
I fell in love online.

She wasn't who I thought
she was,

so I called her a catfish,
the most disgusting fish in the sea,

on a national stage.

And now I'm helping other people
find their catfish,

which is a super-complicated
thing

that takes way too long
to explain.

So, let me get this straight.

Some Charlie guy has been
sending you on missions

for the last five years,

but you guys have never met him?

It's a fun mystery.

I'm afraid Charlie might
be a catfish.

And... what's that again?

So, they used to transport
cod across the Atlantic and...

Look, it actually makes a lot
less sense if I explain it.

Charlie, can you come out here,
please?

ALL:
Charlie?!

You're the one who sent us on
missions

where we had to wear bikinis
and sleep with men

and then tell you every detail?

Oh, this makes perfect sense.

So... which one of us is
the catfish now?

GOD:
Make it cubits high, Noah!

I will, God!

Noah, come on. You've been
building this ark for years,

but have you ever met God?

No one looks upon the glory
of God.

Oh, boy.
I'm sorry, Noah.

This isn't an ark.
It's a fishing boat.

And you just caught a catfish.

- God?
- Sorry, man, I just...

[clears throat]
I just... I really needed a boat.

You've changed my life, catfish.

My name's not catfish.

"Catfish" is the name
of the show.

Oh, really?

[Screeches]

[Both grunting]

[Screeching]

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk,
Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk,
Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk,
Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.