04x20 - Dear Consumer (Robot Chicken's Full-Assed Christmas Special)

[bunniefuu]

l suppose your presence here
means l made the naughty list.

We don't mind
a little mischief, Jaden.

Flashing your wee-wee
at the maid --

that's one step
too far.

And where is my mother?

l see.

And how did she die?

Not well.

[ grunting ]

She made you work for it,
did she?

You'll find l'm not
so easy.

[ g*n cocks ]

[ clicking ]

They say the second one
is always --

[ g*nsh*t ]

Considerably.

Aaaaahhh!

[ laughs ]

Ah, it was a lot funnier
when Jokey Smurf did it, huh?

lt's the most beautiful
tree ever!

lt certainly is, sweetie.

My wife!

[ sobbing ]

You k*lled her!

And you decorated her!

Back to your homes.

As the first Atheist mayor,
l am shutting down the church.

But it's Christmas!

Well, you should have thought
of that when l campaigned

as the first
Atheist mayor.

Oh, yeah.

Can we at least hear
the Christmas chimes?

No!

ln fact, l removed the chimey thingy
that makes the chimey noise.

So, you're screwed!

[ laughs ]

Oh, and vote for me
in November.

[ bell ringing ]

Daddy, Daddy!

Every time a bell rings,
an angel gets its wings!

[ bell ringing ]

[ alarm blares ]

What the --?

What the -- ?

Oh, my!

Remember to keep Christ
in Christmas.

[ ringing continues ]

Brought to you
by Church.

Did you remember
to get Mrs. Claus something?

[ gasps ]

Go get her a mug
from the stationary store.

The reward for Thor's
good deeds --

a shiny bicycle.

A lump of coal?!

[ laughs ]

l love my son Thor
and not my son Loki.

And Santa agrees.

Ha ha!
My parenting is most inequitable.

l am off to the rainbow bridge
to offer rides

to the shirtless muscular warriors
who there congregate.

Ah, next Christmas,
victory shall belong to Loki,

God of Mischief.

[ laughs evilly ]

[ chuckles ]

l'm Thor,
and l'm very thirsty!

[ gulping ]

Ahhh!

No one minds
if l get another.

[ humming ]

l'm Thor.

l got great aim

'cause l'm the God
of Thunder.

Hold the door!

Don't worry, l got it.

Nice to meet you.
Thor, God of Thunder.

By the way,
eat this!

Ha ha!

[ laughing ]

[ spits ]

By my own bid,

is it Christmas Day

or opposite day?

Nay, it is
Christmas day!

l have been good!
l have!

Santa Claus shall
taste the Thunder God's wrath!

Good God!

But not good enough
for ye, eh?

Have at thee!

Aaaahhh!

[ grunting ]

Aaaah!

Thor did
none of this!

Why would a Thunder God
refill his soda

e'en after
his thirst was slaked?

Or urinate
hither and yon?

Or m*rder
an old woman?

Well, l dideth not
the other two!

l smell my brother's
deceitful hand in this.

Rise, noble Claus.

Thou wast fooled
as was l.

Loki's villainy must be revealed.

Whoo!
l'm Thor as hell!

He's a madman!
Stop him!

Fear not, Santa Claus.

You yourself shall
make Loki pay...

a year hence
when you bring him a lump of coal

on Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

God of Thunder!

l love it when it snows.

lt's so peaceful.

[ screaming ]

Aaaaahh!
Oh God!

l'm falling!
Wha-What's happening?

[ screaming continues ]

ls that the ground?!

Holy sh*t!

That's the f*cking ground!

This is it!

Game over, man!

Get off of me!

[ stammering ]
Get off of me!

l can't!
l can't get up!

[ groaning ]

lt's a madhouse!
lt's a madhouse!

l hate snow.

We should go to Tahiti
next Christmas.

Yeah, let's do that.

[ snowflakes screaming ]

Shh.

Huh?

Awww!

That's weird.

Okay, l delivered
all the bombs!

Now please don't hurt
my family.

And the Jews?
Are the Jews dead too?

But Jews don't even
have Christmas.

Then you have failed!

Noooo!

[ g*nshots ]

Don't forget about terrorism
this Christmas.

A message from the Department
of Ho-Ho-Homeland Security.

l'd like to buy a chain
for my husband's watch.

lt's $ .

Oh my!
l can't afford that.

Unless...

l'd like to sell
my hair, please.

l'd like to buy some brushes

for my wife's beautiful
hair, please.

$ .

For brushes?
What the f*ck?!

What are they,
solid gold?

My watch is $
and it is a f*cking antique!

What the f*ck
happened to you?

l wanted to buy you
a chain for your watch,

so l sold my hair
to do it.

Holy sh*t!

You look like you
have cancer!

Couldn't you have just let me keep
my beautiful wife

for Christmas?

You don't like it?

Well, here's where
the irony kicks in.

l wanted to get you
hairbrushes for Christmas.

But the man said l'd have to sell
my watch to afford them.

Oh, no!
You sold your watch?!

f*ck no!

What am l, crazy?
For brushes?!

l think the cat brush
is just as f*cking good,

and that thing was
a buck fifty!

So, you didn't get me brushes?

What, did they shave
your ears, too?

l said no already.

Oh, then what did you
get me?

Lingerie!

Now go pop that sucker on.

This, too.

Yeah...

l'm gonna go stay
with my mom for a while.

How's the view
back there, buddy?

The light at the end
of the tunnel

is my ass!

BOY:
Help me!!

Put her down, boys.

Help is coming,
little boy!

Are you hurt?

l've been down there
three days

with no food or water!

And l pooped
in my pants.

Three days!

He could die of thirst
before we reach him!

- Not on my watch!
- What are you --

Comet, stop peeing
on that child!

l saw it on
Man vs. Wild!

You can drink pee, pee it out,
and drink it again!

Three times,
if you want.

This rain tastes
like oats.

The first department
is on its way.

There's no time!

Comet, no!

[ thunk ]
Comet!

Um, okay, l'm stuck,

like halfway down.

Almost there.

Could have thrown a rope
and a harness down to the kid,

'cept your reindeer
is plugging up the hole now.

- Just throw down a grenade!
- What?

Throw down one grenade
to launch me toward the bottom,

then l'll grab the boy
with my teeth.

And you can throw down
a second grenade

to launch me
to the surface!

Your deer don't know
sh*t about grenades, does he?

He spends most of his life
on a frozen tundra.

Reindeer don't know sh*t
about sh*t, quite frankly.

So, listen,
thanks to your deer,

we're gonna have to excavate
half this field.

[ expl*si*n ]

Oh, my God!

Comet! Little boy!

Thank you, Comet.

You saved me!

Aw, ain't no thang.

Well, actually about volunteers
working around the clock

with heavy machinery
were the ones who --

l love you, Mr. Comet!

l love you, too,
Mr. Little Boy!

[ groans ]
That still freaks me out.

Yeah, it's %
badass, all right.

Take us back
to the North Pole.

And don't say the line.

Oh, l gotta say the line.

Please! Please!

[ sighs ]

Fine, fine.
Whatever.

Ahem.

Legs?

Where we're going
we don't need legs!

Yeah!

And away we go!

And away we go!

[ crying ]

How was l supposed to know
he was allergic to nuts?