04x16 - The Ramblings of Maurice

[bunniefuu]

[ thunder crashing ]

[ drilling, sawing ]

[ electricity crackling ]

lt's alive!

[ laughing ]

No, no, no, no,
you have to break that up first.

What?
Why?

Those plastic things k*ll
turtles.

Oh, gosh, right.

Ok.
Oh no, don't k*ll turtles.

[ rock music playing ]

Argggg!

[ grunting ]

[ gasping ]

[ choking ]

♪ [ music playing ] ♪

Our cereal sales are way down!

What do we do?

l've go four words for you!

Sugar, internet, viral, video, and some
punctuation, exclamation point.

♪ [ music playing ] ♪

♪ Oh, oh, ohhh ♪

♪ Chocolate grain ♪

♪ lt's a corn marshmallows,
other stuff ♪

♪ Chocolate grain ♪

♪ times more sugar than
chocolate puffs ♪

♪ Chocolate grain ♪

♪ Tell your parents it what they
should buy ♪

♪ Chocolate Grain ♪

♪ So much sugar
you'll get crazy high ♪

♪ Chocolate Grain ♪

♪ lf you have
diabetes stay away ♪

♪ Chocolate Grain ♪

♪ lt's something that our
lawyers made us say ♪

♪ Chocolate Grain ♪

♪ The amount of sugar will drive
you insane ♪

♪ Chocolate Grain ♪

♪ percent sugar,
zero grain ♪

Sales for Cocoa Vampire are
through the roof.

What else you go?

Well for Fruit Monster, how about a
video called Berries, One Cup?

l put together a rough demo.

Roll it!
[ women laughing ]

[ vomiting ]

There you go.

Sir, this isn't a sperm bank
it's a blood bank.

Then how did you expect me to
fill the cup?

l followed you to this hot
chocolate factory Two-Face.

And this time
l'm bringing you down.

Not so fast Batman,

your fate lies in the flip of
this coin.

Heads you live, tails you die.

Oh, death.

Ahhh!

l'm sorry Harvey--

Don't call me Harvey,
call me by my new name.

Three-Face.

This is my -sided die.

One you live, two you die,

three, we can have chocolate
together.

Oh, ah, looks like you're gonna
-sided die.

Watch out for that--

Ahhhh!

Three-Face, l'm really sorry
about the hospital.

Call me by my real name.

Four-Face.

l'm holding four straws
in my hand.

lf you choose
the shortest one you die.

lf you choose
the longest one you live.

The other two will determine
whether or not l throw bleach

on your costume or we drink
hot chocolate together.

Alright Four-Face,
l'll play your game.

[ slurping ]

Oh, uh.

This is really good hot
chocolate.

Hmm, the soup's not bad either.

Oh yeah, can l try some?

No what!
Harvey no!

Ahhhh!

[ music playing ]

[ cheering ]

Twenty years of service.

Since you're a chef and black,

we got you this chocolate
statue.

The best gift of all is your
smiling faces.

But thanks for the gift,
that's mildly r*cist.

[ cheering ]

Ahhh, what's going on?

l think your stupid dog ate
Roadblock's statue.

Ha, Ha, Ha.

Dogs can't eat chocolate.

[ whimpers ]

Oh, no!

DUKE:
Neither death, nor life,
nor angels,

nor powers, nor high, nor Cobra,
nor anything else in all creation

will be able to separate us from the
love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

[ all ]
Yo Joe!

Oh, thank you Duke.

That was real-real-real pretty.

Come on Mutt, let's get
Junkyard's ashes spread.

What do you say?

Yeah, Junkyard always loved
running on the beach.

[ crying ]

Junkyard!

[ all ]
Oh!

Oh sorry boss.

l thought that would go way
different.

Well anyway.

lt's now with great pride that
we add Junkyard's name

to G.l. Joe's wall of fallen
heroes.

[laughing]
Wow, only one name?

Hey didn't Lift Ticket get sh*t
down last year?

[ LlFT TlCKET ]
l parachuted to safety.

Oh right, right.
Darn.

l swear someone got sh*t by a
laser though..

Didn't anybody
get sh*t by a laser?

Anybody?

sh*t?

Huh?
Well.

l bet Cobra's wall is freaking
full of names.

Am l right Joes?

[ ALL ]
Yo! Joe!

Hmm.

Oh.

Oh, we need more names.

You, what's your name?

Wilson, sir.

And there's one for the wall.

Don't worry l'm ok.

- l'm just a little--
- Ka-pow!

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Jetson, did you finish that
report?

Right here in my brief case
Mr. Spacely.

[ screaming ]

MR. SPACELY:
Jetson!

Who wants a ribbed poodle?

ANNOUNCER:
You saw them in The Sisterhood
of the Traveling Pants.

And Sisterhood
of the Traveling Pants .

Now, in a breakout roll,
The Traveling Pants starring,

Zip lt Up.

He's a city cop and his new partner
Bruce Willis doesn't like pants.

A pair of pants k*lled my uncle.

ANNOUNCER:
And they've got to take down a
sweat shop syndicate together.

[ screaming ]

[ yelling ]

ANNOUNCER:
And in the end...

Hey.

ANNOUNCER:
And in the end...

they'll make a perfect pair.

lt's a good fit.

ANNOUNCER:
Get ready to travel on a journey
of a life time.

And be sure to come in your
pants.

- [ sneezes ]
- God bless you.

Ahhh, darn it.

Ah, our Dark Crystal sequel
is doomed.

Well it's been in development
hell for years.

Now theatres don't even want it.

We need a brand new take.

Something that really tricks kids
into thinking they want

to see a movie about puppets.

♪ Yo, what's up everybody ♪

♪ This is Little Jen,
aka, MC Gelfing ♪

♪ l'm about to take you on a
little journey ♪

♪ Raise up your glasses ya'll ♪

♪ And get ready for the story of
the Dark Cristal ♪

♪ Once upon a time,
in the distant land of dark ♪

♪ There was a huge ass super
sized bottle of Cristal ♪

♪ Living under three suns all
the peoples having fun ♪

♪ They were clinking and
drinking ♪

♪ Cristal for everyone ♪

♪ But then there
was a drive by ♪

♪ Toast that, hit the deck ♪

♪ lt was the Skeksis in a Lexus
with a tech ♪

♪ Boom got right,
it split two different races ♪

♪ To two different places ♪

♪ The Skeksis headed West with
creepy dead bird faces ♪

♪ The UrRu ended on the East for
all their help to come ♪

♪ They were a bunch of mystics
who like to sit around ♪

♪ And hum ♪

♪ [ humming ] ♪

♪ Ah yeah ♪

♪ That sound good right there ♪

♪ ln step the prophecy ♪

♪ There's no stopping me ♪

♪ Gelfling's gonna help things ♪

♪ Pretty soon
we'll be popping C ♪

♪ R-l-S to the T-A-L ♪
♪ Full throttle ♪

♪ Taste the bottle and break
that spell ♪

♪ Whole world is again ♪

♪ No one's sipping on bubbly ♪

♪ Want to get busy
or not to visit ♪

♪ The ladies won't love me ♪

♪ l got to save the land of
Thura ♪

♪ l am far and mystical ♪

♪ Gonna wreck me some Skeksis ♪

♪ And go get that Cristal ♪

♪ l went to Aughra and got that
cracked up shard of Cristal ♪

♪ Then l met Kira and Fizzgig ♪

- ♪ He was a little fuzzy ball ♪
- What's up ya'll?

♪ Jumped on a Landstrider,
rode to the castle ♪

♪ Faced off with the Skeksis ♪

♪ Man those dudes are crazy
assholes ♪

♪ l put the cracked shard
of the bottle ♪

♪ Back into the right spot ♪

♪ Now the East and West coast
got back together ♪

♪ And this joint is f*cking hot ♪

♪ Yeah, this party's a blast ♪

♪ Cristal's flowing fast ♪

♪ l'm thinking l wanna ♪

♪ Get up in Kira's ass ♪

♪ We're all having a ball ♪

♪ There won't be no last call ♪

♪ West and East,
quashed the beef ♪

♪ They're all drinking Cristal ♪

♪ More people still coming ♪

♪ And the Mystics still humming ♪

♪ They go ♪
[ humming ]

♪ Yeah, that's the of end
of the Dark Cristal ♪

Hoes!

Whelp, we failed you Jim.

[ clink ]

[ slurp ]
Ohhhh.

Oh sweet relief.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk ♪

Bawk.

Ah, chocolate taste great!

Sparky wants some too.

No, chocolate contain
theobromines

which is toxic to dogs.

But Sparky seems fine.

He wants some more.

Well this isn't chocolate.

This is carob.

BOTH:
Huh?

You're dog's fine,
but your mom's a filthy hippie.

BOTH:
Now we know!

Whatever.

♪ G.l. Joe ♪