04x05 - Tell My Mom

[bunniefuu]

[ thunder crashing ]

[ drilling, sawing ]

[ electricity crackling ]

lt's alive!

Hey, everybody.
l'm Joey Fatone.

Now, you may have noticed

l haven't appeared
in many sketches lately.

Air-jo, [ergo] l decided to
pitch one of my own.

Here we go.

So, l'm singing at this charity
event at the San Diego Zoo,

when all of a sudden,
l come across this kangaroo.

Turns out she lost her

[chuckles] joey --

Yeah, you see
where this is going.

Anyway, the mama kangaroo
falls in love with me

and refuses to
let me leave.

You know, l appease her
for a bit,

go along with the ride,

until l realize that
her boxing technique

is the exact thing l need

to compete in the WWE's
Royal Rumble!

Ooh!

l'm getting excited just
thinking about this.

Oh, and did l mention it's being
held in Australia?

Put another shrimp
on the Bar-B.

[ laughs ]

So the kangaroo and l
head out on an adventure

that's part ''Rocky,''
part ''Crocodile Dundee ll.''

lt ends with me
winning the event

and the kangaroo getting
reunited with her actual joey.

You see, now l'm sorry
this is just a pitch

and not an actual
sketch already.

But anyway -- hang tight.

l'm sure it's just
a matter of time.

[ all munching ]

[ vomits, coughs ]

[ munch! ]

Not -- not okay?

ls that not okay?

Wow!
l'm getting my very own car!

As long as it costs
bucks or less.

But cars cost more than that.

Well, this one doesn't.

That's...Not a car.

Oh, l want that one!

Sold American!

Oh, wow!

Thank you for purchasing me.

Let's go on an awesome
adventure.

[ laughs ]

This is the greatest present
of my life!

[ sighs ]

Well, might as well make the
best of this crap sandwich.

My name's Scooter.

Hello, new friend.

Wow!
You're a robot, too!

l'm better than a robot.
l'm a go-bot.

Maybe this will be
a great present after all.

Ahhh...You're kind of puny.

Good things come
in small packages.

Like what kind
of good things?

Do you kick a lot of ass?

Oh, no. l hate fighting.

But l do know a lot
of knock-knock jokes.

Oh, good. That'll be helpful.

Look, you got to help me.

Bad enough l got to ride
a f*cking moped to school.

l don't want it to be
an annoying puss-bot, as well.

Hey, don't worry, kid.

l'll see what l can do.

Safety first.

Always wear eye protection
when using a blowtorch.

Thanks for the tip.

[ screaming ]

So, what are you doing, now?

Disabling the servomotor,
for starters.

Oh, and that's how
the motor's wired in?

Yeah, right.
So l'm cutting those wires.

Oh.
Did you go to school for this?

Sure did.

There's a great
automotive program

at East Valley
Community College.

l'll let you ride me
and everything!

[ shrieks ]

Wow! Thanks!

lt's awesome now!

- Want to keep the face?
- Nah.

Yeah-heh!

l don't want it.

Oh! points!

But how can you be pregnant?

You said you had a sponge
in your --

Oh, you meant me.

Gee, Casper, l wish we could
play with you forever.

You can!

Hey, there.
l'm Billy -- Billy Joel.

- What's your name?
- Davy.

- And what do you do?
- l'm in the Navy.

How long will you do that,
you think?

- Uh, probably for life.
- Cool.

''Davy'' rhymes with ''Navy.''
That's convenient.

What?

You better not use me
in a song, man.

l'm on the run from a lot
of creditors.

No problem, Davy.

[ grunts ]

l have absorbed your story,
my friend.

As the ancients ate the hearts
of lions to gain their strength,

you are one with the Joel now!

One with the Joel!

[ laughs evilly ]

Leapin' lizards, Molly.

lt sure is a hard-knock life.

Actually, we're very lucky,
Annie.

Being an orphan sure
don't feel lucky.

Then try being an orphan
in the Philippines,

where hundreds
of thousands of orphans are

forced into prostitution,
thanks to sex tourism.

ln Africa, AlDS has created
millions of orphans

who won't
live to see puberty.

Well...l sure don't like that
mean old Miss Hannigan.

What don't you like,
exactly --

three meals a day,
a warm bed,

not being
HlV-positive,

not performing fellatio
on foreign businessmen?

That's what you don't like?

Uh, l think l'm gonna go

sweep over there for a while,
Molly.

Gee, Pepper, Miss Hannigan
sure is mean.

Yeah, l hate that bitch.

We sure had a grand
adventure, Annie.

Your quick wits and spunky
can-do spirit saved us all.

ls there anything
my limitless power

and billions of dollars
can do for you?

[ echoing ]

Overseas orphans...

Fellatio on foreign
businessmen...

HlV and AlDS...

Hmm...

nope!

[ whirring ]

Oh, no, no!

Aw, damn it.

l had it. Totally had it.

[ dialing rapidly ]

Hey, Larry?
lt's Dave.

Get this --
l'm in a phone booth.

Yeah! You remember those?

l know -- weird, right?

All right. See you later.

[ rattling ]

Ahoy!

ls that my prince?

Oh, l knew you'd save me!

Stand back, my love.

We will soon be together.

lt won't be long now

before my prince
takes me in his arms and --

and --
Ow!

Careful, my prince.

You almost --
Whoa!

[ crunch! ]

Aah!

Oh, my -- what?

lt's raining glass!

l'm blind!

Please stop throwing the hook!

Owww!

ls that you, my prince?

l'm coming, my dear.

[ grunts ]
Aha!

Now hurry, my love.
We don't have much t--

Oh, geez.
You're not even packed.

Nice place you got here,
pops.

You should pay us for
protection --

make sure nothing
happens to it.

Oh, l've got a policy with
Allstate, so l'm in good hands.

Oh, yeah?
You insured against this?

Yes, that's in the policy.

But now your rates will go
up, right?

Oh, no!
l can't afford that.

[ laughs ]

We'll be back for our money.

Ha ha ha -- big exit laugh.

l hate small-business owners.

Operator, what's the name

of those w*r criminals turned
mercenary

who get paid to
protect you from criminals

who want to get paid for protection?

[ gasps ]
Oh, yeah -- the A-Team!

How exciting.

Hannibal, B.A. Baracus,
and the whole team.

Negatory on that communiqué,
chief.

Your credit's not good enough
for the A-Team.

We are the B-Team.

[ fast-paced funk music plays ]

G.D. -- Generally Displeased --
Barabas.

Better not be riding
no trains.

l like drinking my apple juice.

Noah ''Assman'' Hathaway.

Charms and kisses
from me to you.

Played boxey on the original
Battlestar Galactica.

Captain F.N. -- f*cking Nuts --
Madlock.

Ple-e-e-e-ase make
my memories go away.

And l'm Handy Ball.

Got that handle undercover
in Hanoi.

Don't ask why, and l won't tell.

Good golly, what is
the C-team like?

A bunch of surly midgets.

[ tires screeching ]

[ clatter ]

Here's the deal, boys --

you leave town and my friend here

doesn't change your zip code

to zero-zero-zero-
my nose is broken.

l got sympathy for that
'tard.

Grrrr!

Uh, g-give us just a sec,
here.

[ lock engages ]

Damn it! They tricked us!

l can't take it!

[ shivering ]

Are you thinking
what l'm thinking?

l love it when a plan's gonna
come together eventually.

Let's do it.

l like using big tools.

[ shivering ]

[ coughing ]

Ooh.

Dead from carbon monoxide.

Oh. Oh, my gosh.

This is the worst thing l've

seen since that old bar owner

was beaten to death
earlier today.

Dave, check this out.

[ fast-paced funk music plays ]

Ooh. Take their tape.

[ ''Piano Man''-style tune plays ]

♪ Pete is a real-estate
novelist ♪

Hey, that's me!

♪ That's a cute way of saying
Pete's broke ♪

What?

♪ l'll laugh at his life
while l'm humping his wife ♪

PETE:
Sheila?

♪ 'cause Pete's tiny schlong
is a joke ♪

[ gasps ]

♪ My piano, it sounds like
God's symphony ♪

♪ and my microphone smells
like the poor ♪

♪ They put bread in my cup,
and their lives all suck ♪

Huh?

♪ lf l quit this gig, they'd
lose all interest in living,

since life would have no
meaning

and they'd blow their
brains out onto the floo-o-o-r ♪

♪ La, da, de-da-da ♪

[ g*n cocks ]

♪ La, de-de, da-le-da ♪

♪ Down on your knees,
l'm the Piano God ♪

♪ Pray to the songs
that l've sung ♪

♪ Tell me l'm too good
to work here ♪

♪ Then put my balls right on
your tongue ♪

Great -- all singles.

MAN:
Hey, Joel...

Hyah!

[ grunting ]

[ laughs ]

Whew!

Yeah...

[ cellphone chirps ]

Pete, this is your agent.

The publishers loved your novel.

Time to quit the real-estate
biz, brother.

Oh, by the way --
the hospital called,

and your wife d*ed of
crotch rot.

[ inhales sharply ]

Sorry, man.

Poetic justice!!

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.

Who the hell are you?

Nick Fury, director of
S.H.l.E.L.D.

l'm here to talk to you about
The Avengers initiative.

ln my house?
ln the middle of the night?

[ floorboard creaks ]

And who the hell are you?

Run, stupid!

[ thud ]