01x14 - Joint Point

[bunniefuu]

It's alive!

Oh, sweet [Bleep]
in a birch bark canoe!

You, all right?
I learned it from watching you!

Whew, man.

It's... not easy
being William Shatner.

Actor, singer... rancher...

all-around... macho hombre.

Oh, yeah.

Time to... beam me down
a good night's sleep.

You're needed.

Huh. So, you have come back,
mi amor.

Oh, s'il vous plaît.

I know I do not
deserve forgiveness...

but give me one last chance, no?

What you're here for,
it is not important.

All that matters is our love.

Oh, run away with me.

I curse you.

Here. You'll find them
at this address.

Finally, the secret is ours.

They will have to accept
our demands now.

Ohh! You!
Ohh! You!

You sh*t me!

The world is safe again
thanks to you.

Yawn.

Where do these things...
keep... coming from?

Shazam!

I did it. I reunited
that boy with his puppy.

What the...

Come here, baby.
What's taking so long?

Oh, boy.

There's no such thing
as stupid questions...

except for Billy's questions.

You're not really an atheist,
are you, Todd?

Look, I just don't believe
in the whole heaven-hell thing.

Wow, what an unfortunate, uh...

- Plot device?
- Yeah. Plot device.

Holy [Bleep].
Heaven does exist.

Holy [Bleep]. It's beautiful.

What... what's going on?

Down! Down!

Damn you, F.A. A!

Todd.

Holy [Bleep]. Grandma!

It's so good to see you.

And... Uncle Steve.

Holy [Bleep].
They let you in here?

Yeah. Turns out
we were doing stuff...

the priests
were into themselves.

Lucky me.

I was a serial k*ller...

but repented in prison
and went to heaven.

I k*lled hundreds
in the name of our Lord.

Well, I'm just as surprised
as you are.

Uh, hey. You work here.

Since day one.
What can I do for you?

What's with the hypocrisy
around here?

Why is Uncle Steve here?

And the serial k*ller gets in
because he repents?

Well, if you're
gonna bitch so much...

I can return you to earth
at any time.

- Really?
- Sure.

Just look over there.

Ohh, douchebag.

So there was this truck,
and it came out of nowhere...

you see, and it hit our friend.

Holy [Bleep].

It's a miracle.

Hey, guys, I'm back!

And I have so much to...

Wow. That's, uh...
that's so, um...

- Ironic?
- Yeah, yeah. Ironic.

Sam, Ziggy says
in order to leap out...

you got to work the shaft.
Work the shaft, Sam.

There you go.

China is in here, Mr. Burton.

Wow! I can record
my favorite shows...

and teach it to record
other shows that I like!

This is great! What did I do
without this thing?

- Hello?
- Hey, buddy.

We're heading out to the bar.
You want to come?

Why don't you take your bar
and shove it up your ass?

I'm watching TiVo!

But, but...

- Hello?
- This is your boss.

You're very late.
Are you even coming in today?

No. Uh, TiVo.

You're fired!

Oh, my God. My poor baby.
You just get off the couch...

and come with me.
Mom is here to help.

We got to go, baby. We got to go
and get some help. Come on.

We'll get through this together.

You just get off that couch
and get up.

Love... you... TiVo.

TiVo. It'll change your life.

No, it's not a tumor.
It's not a tumor at all.

The amazing true story that touched
the hearts of generations...

is now a motion picture
you'll never forget.

"Dear diary,
this is my chronicle...

"Of a most unfortunate time.

"My name is Anne. Anne Frank."

Awesome.

"Luckily, everything I want
is right here."

My bread is so unleavened

Let the Nazis come
and take my friends

Gonna pray all day
till the Sabbath ends

I want to punch that h*tler...

- The Nazis are here!
- I'm on it, Dad!

Achtung!

Mein Kampf!

Wiener schnitzel!

You're really something,
Anne Frank.

Heh, I'm just me.

Nazis are so uncool.

Don't put the baby
in the bulldozer.

Dude, West Nile virus rules.

Word.

A jumper's standoff
with police...

came to a tragic end
on the Brooklyn Bridge today...

as an unidentified
skull-faced man...

brought traffic to a standstill
for two hours...

before leaping to his death.

All too common.
You ever wonder what became...

of those playthings
of yesteryear?

If you're the CEO
of a Fortune company...

you're probably too busy
counting money...

on the naked back of
a $ , -a-night whore to care.

But I care.

Man-At-Arms...

k*lled in a hail
of Crip g*nf*re...

on the streets
of South Central Los Angeles.

Beast-Man...

currently dodging
child support payments...

under an assumed name
in Akron, Ohio.

We see you.

Trap-Jaw...

now a South Dakota
state senator.

Sad fates for those once known
as the Masters of the Universe.

For more perspective,
we've come to Prince Adam...

best known as
the champion of Eternia, He-Man.

He-Man,
you're currently employed...

as a mall security guard.

How did it come to this?

Yeah, well...

Hey, you! Stop!

By the power of Grayskull!

Oh, look! He's got a sword!

Once the leader
of the mighty Thundercats...

today Lion-O is an unemployed
construction worker...

staring down the big - .

After Mumm-Ra d*ed
of testicular cancer...

there wasn't nobody left
for the Thundercats to fight.

We had to get real jobs.

Mm-hmm. Was construction
your first job?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, God!

And how about the others?

Panthro's doing a dime
in federal prison...

for selling junk bonds
to senior citizens...

and then eating them.

Snarf, Snarf.

No-good Robear Berbil.

Snarf!

I don't know
what happened to Snarf.

And what happened to the team's
sexy female member, Cheetara?

She's still my sexy lady,
I guess.

Oh, hey, you want to go out back
and sh**t some cans with a . ?

Not every toy
meets with despair.

Some, like the Transformer
known as Soundwave here...

have managed to find steady,
honest work out of the limelight.

Soundwave, what's the secret
of your success?

Well, I just try
not to dwell on the past.

I have a family
to support now, and...

Can you hang on a minute?
I've got a customer.

Oh, oh, man.

It may not seem like much...

but it's an honest day's paycheck
for an honest day's...

It's an honest...

Some legends burn out
or simply fade away...

but some manage to adapt
to changing times.

Destro, you were once
a member of Cobra...

the ruthless
t*rror1st organization...

determined to rule the world.

From arms dealer
to used car dealer.

What happened?

Everyone just
sort of lost interest.

I think as you get older...

ruling the world just seems
like too much trouble.

And what became of
the once-feared leader of Cobra...

the notorious Cobra commander?

Our callers
just can't get enough...

of these double-belt
pleated pantsuits.

I know.

Hey, watch your mouth!

I'm the one...
You tell me when...

You say another thing,
I'll flip the bitch switch.

You get your hands off me!
Whoa!

Nobody knows what happened
to Shipwreck.

It's easy to forget
about the toys...

that filled our happy,
youthful days...

but as Americans, we must never
forget to treat everyone...

with honor, decency,
and respect.

Am I done yet?

You'll know, She-Ra.
You'll know.