04x19 - Gloria's Boyfriend

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Oh, gee, look out! Jeez!

Sorry, Arch!
It was slipping!

Smushed the knuckles
on my hand!

Lift it up over
the jewel post here.

You got it?
Here we go. Yeah.

Whoa!

Gee, bring it down,
would you?

Right, now,
hold it steady there

while I start to
plane from this end.

How do you know how
much to shave off

to keep it from sticking?

Because last night when all
the little meatheads was asleep,

the good fairy come
and he made a pencil mark there.

Now...hang on there.

Here we go.
There's nothing coming out.

It's a delicate instrument.
It's a plane.

It ain't an ax.

It's supposed to take off just
a little microscope at a time.

There we are.
Where did you get it?

From Irene Lorenzo.
She loaned it to me.

I think it would
have been quicker

if she had loaned you an eraser.

Don't be funny, huh?

Just hold the thing steady.

Working with you is
like trying to shave a guy...

with the hiccups.

There.

Maybe the blade
needs sharpening.

I took the whole thing apart.
I sharpened the blade.

I put it all back
together again!

Don't tell me about tools!

EDITH:
Ooh, are you fixing
the door, Archie?

No, Edith, I'm making a raft
so we can sail over to Jersey.

Hi, everybody!

MIKE: Hello.
Gloria, where are the groceries?

Didn't you go
to Ferguson's Market?

Oh, yeah, but George,
the box boy,

offered to carry them
home for me.

Oh, no wonder you was late.

You was with George,
the nutcase.

Arch, he's not a nut.
He just happens to be Ret*rded.

That's all.

That's what I said. A nutcase.

Would you quit
calling him a nut?

George is a human being
just like you or me.

You're half right.
He's just like you.

Where is George?
Ain't he with you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, but he said he
wanted to come in the back door

because he didn't want to track
mud through the living room.

Oh, that was nice.

Ooh, George!

Have you been out
there a long time?

Uh-huh.

Well, the door was open.
Why didn't you come in?

Oh, no. Dad says, "Always wait
till you're asked in."

You gonna ask me in, Gloria?

Of course, George.
Come on in.

Thanks.

Hello, Mrs. Bunker.

Hello, George. Thank you
for helping Gloria.

Oh, I like
helping Gloria.

I like you helping me, George.

I like helping you, Gloria.

I like you helping me, George.

I like helping you, Gloria.

I like you
helping Gloria, George.

[LAUGHING]

WOMEN: Ooh!

Did you
get eggs?

Oh, yeah, Mom.
I got a dozen eggs.

Ah, see, no casualties.

Oh, that's good. Archie
don't like his eggs scrambled,

unless
they're cooked.

I'll just put
these away.

Oh, thank you,
George.

Gloria.
Yeah?

I really like you.

Oh, and I like
you too, George.

I guess that makes you
my girlfriend, huh?

Yeah.
I guess it does.

You know why?
No. Why?

Because you don't
say things to me.

You talk to me.

Well, that's because I like you.

And I talk to you too.

That's right.
Because I'm your boyfriend.

Because I love you.

Oh, that's very sweet,
George,

but I think
you mean you like me.

Oh, okay.

Oh, come on, George, with me
into the living room.

I, uh-- I left
my purse in there.

What do you mean "press harder"?
I'm pressing as hard as I can.

There's nothing
coming out!

Hello, Mr. Bunker.
Hello, Mike.

Oh, hiya, Georgie, there.

Hey, uh, you carried the bags
home from the store all right.

George, you done a good job.

Oh, thanks,
Mr. Bunker.

You working
on a door, huh?

[SHOUTING]
Yeah, George, I'm working
on a door over here.

Wait a minute. I'm going
to learn him something.

Hey, George, you see what
I'm working with here? A plane.

Do you know what
a plane is, George?

What I'm doing with the plane
is I'm shaving down the door

because the door
is too wide, George,

and if the door is too wide--

It don't fit?
[SHOUTS] It don't fit, George.

You're right. You're
absolutely right!

Why are you shouting,
Mr. Bunker?

Archie,
why are you shouting?

I can hear you
all the way upstairs.

Here you go, George.
Thanks for helping me.

Oh, no, Gloria.

But, George,
you carried the bags.

No, that's my job.

They pay me
at the store.

Oh. Of course.
Thank you, George.

Oh, that's good,
George.

You just remember
that all the time.

It ain't nice
to take tips.

Is that what you
tell your passengers

when you're driving
Munson's cab?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Well, I think I'd better be
getting back to the store.

They don't like me
being away too long.

Oh, George, you can
go out the front door.

Oh, no, Mr. Ferguson says
always use the back door.

But wait a minute,
wait a minute there, George.

What do you mean Ferguson
says use the back door?

You can use the front door
any time you want.

Hey, you don't have to rush back
to the store, do you, hey?

You can take a little break
from work, George.

Oh, I don't know, Mr. Bunker.
Oh, come on, George.

Don't let no bosses
push you around that way.

You see, that's why these guys
hires kids like this.

To take advantage
of them.

Now, you just tell them

the customer's always
right, George,

and I'm Archie Bunker,
the customer,

and I'm telling you
you can take a break.

Okay, Mr. Bunker.

Arch, what if he
gets in trouble?

He ain't going to
get in no trouble.

I'll handle everything.

Just stay out of this

and hold the door will you,
you meathead?

Oh! Meat! I forgot
to put the meat in the freezer.

ARCHIE:
There's something here.

I don't think
it's working, Mr. Bunker.

Listen.

You don't understand.
It's a very tricky job here.

Yeah, but you got to have

little curly bits of wood
coming out up there.

I know. I know all about
the curly bits of wood there.

But you see, uh...

I tell you what, George.
See the chair there?

Why don't you just sit down
in the chair. Go on.

And you just watch me work
and don't talk, see?

Okay, Mr. Bunker.
I like watching.

Yeah, you watch, George.
Maybe you'll learn something.

Here we go.

[GEORGE WHISTLING TUNELESSLY]

Hey, George, do you know
some other song?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Bunker.
Oh, no, no.

Don't worry about it, kid.
I ain't mad at you or anything.

It's just that that one kind
of grapes on my nerves.

Would you like me to fix
that plane for you, Mr. Bunker?

Heh-heh, no, George.

I tell you what.
Here, here.

Give me your hand, George.
Give me your hand.

I'm going to take you right into
the kitchen in here.

See, George, when you
get into the kitchen,

you ask Gloria to give
you a cookie.

And then you tell Gloria to give
you a can of beer for me.

You think you can do
them two things?

Sure, Mr. Bunker.
Good! Good.

You go ahead, Georgie.

Yeah, good boy, Georgie.
Good boy.

That's the way you got to talk
to them. Keep them calm.

You talked to him
like he was a dog.

What are you talking about?

I thought you were going to pat
him and toss him a bone.

If I did, at least
he'd fetch it. You'd eat it.

It's nice the way George
is always smiling.

He always looks so happy.

Edith, you don't understand
them people, you see?

Being happy is just
a part of being crazy.

What? What?

That's right.

Why do you think them people
go around smiling all the time?

Because they ain't smart enough
to know how lousy everything is.

I'm going to go check
on that beer in there.

You see, he don't move
as fast as you do.

Uh, George,
I can't reach.

Oh, I'll do it.

Okay.

Oh.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
What's this?

What's this?
Oh, hiya, Daddy.

You can put me down now,
George. Thank you.

George is helping me
put the groceries away.

That's right, Mr. Bunker.
I'm just helping my girlfriend.

You're helping your what?

My girlfriend.
Your girlfriend?

That's right, Daddy,
we're friends.

Uh, George,
do me a favor.

Don't lift her up in
the air no more, huh?

Okay, Mr. Bunker.

Yeah. Remember that,
huh, George?

Hey, you, you jerk.

You better get out in the
kitchen and protect your wife.

What?

He's lifting her up in the air.
She's getting him excited.

You know what
he's calling her?

He's calling her
his girlfriend!

Do you like that?

Oh, Arch, it doesn't mean
the same thing to George.

Oh, ho, ho, listen.

Them people
ain't got much mind,

but what mind they got
is all on the one track.

What do you mean, Archie?

This ain't for you.

He's talking about sex.
Shush in front of Edith.

Arch, that's a myth!

Ret*rded people have no more of
a sex drive than anybody else.

Oh, yeah, then why are you
on a*t*matic all the time?

Archie, I've got to talk to you.

Why? What do you
want to talk about?

Well, it's private.

Oh, Edith, come on, will you?
What? What? What?

I've got to go
to the bathroom.

Well, go to
the bathroom.

I can't.

Why can't you?

You got the door.

What do you
want me to do?

Carry it all the way back
upstairs here?

I got to have privacy.
Suppose somebody comes by?

Tell you what you do. Sing,
and nobody will come near you.

Gloria, could I have
Mr. Bunker's beer now?

I think I'd better
be getting back.

Oh, sure. Here
you go, George.

Thanks.
[LAUGHS]

Gloria, can I carry
your bags next time too?

Oh, of course
you can, George.

Thanks, Gloria.

I wasn't talking
no different...

Shush!
Shush, you!

Here you go, Mr. Bunker.
Oh!

George, you brung me
back out my beer, here.

George,
you done a good job!

Come on, Arch.

I guess I'd better
be going now.

No, wait a minute.

There's something I want to tell
you. Hang on to that.

George, I want to give you
a little advice.

You shouldn't go lifting girls
up in the air no more, George.

See?

Because they're
very delicate.

And you're strong.
You might hurt them, see?

You heard that old saying,
George?

Girls are made of sugar
and spice--

All right, Arch.
Will you cut it out?

Will you shut up? I know how
to talk to a D-U-M-M-Y.

I'm not dumb!

I know how to spell
and I'm not dumb.

Oh, jeez, I didn't know
you spelled, George.

You're making fun of me like
some bad boys on my street do.

No, I ain't.
Yes, you are.

Well, I can show you something,
Mr. Bunker.

I'm gonna show you.

I'm gonna show you all.

GLORIA:
Oh, George!
George, don't go!

George!

What did you do that for?
What?

Why do you have to
talk to him like that?

I didn't say nothing.

Daddy! How could you
do that?!

"I know how to talk in front
of a D-U-M-M-Y." What is that?

Oh, jeez, I didn't mean
nothing by that.

[ALL YELLING]

Get off of my back,
the two of youse.

Youse never understand anything
I try to do.

EDITH [SINGING OUT OF TUNE]:
♪ Moon river... ♪

How come my ice cream
ain't here yet?

Well, Gloria
will be back soon.

Ferguson's Market ain't crowded
this time of night.

Well, I don't want to wait
any more. Come on, Meathead.

Let's get back working on that
door, we'll get it finished.

All right.

Gloria wouldn't have had
to go back to Ferguson's

if she hadn't been fooling
around with that dopey kid.

Should have heard the way
she was talking to him.

How did you want her to talk
to him? The way you did?

Calling him a dummy?

I didn't know he could spell
big words.

And anyway, all I meant was
that you had to be careful.

A big kid like that
could have hurt her.

He don't know his own strength.

Oh, George is
a nice, gentle boy.

He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Oh, Edith, he wouldn't mean to.

But you remember that picture
with Lon Chaney?

Of Mouse And Men? Hey?
These kids!

George could have played
the man that k*lled a mouse.

I thought that was
The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame
had the big, fat English actor,

Charles Lawson in it.

Lon Chaney was in
the silent picture.

No, Edith, there was
no silent picture

of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame
was about a guy that goes deaf

because of the loud bells.

How could there be loud bells
in a silent movie?

I never thought of that.

You never thought of it.

That's the trouble
with the world today.

Nobody is doing any thinking.

Now, hang onto
this door, will you?

Unless you want to hear

your mother-in-law
singing Moon River

for the rest of your life.

ARCHIE:
Here we go.

I thought that was
your favorite song.

Yeah, it was,
until this morning.

I feel just awful.

You know what they did
down at Ferguson's?

Oh, don't tell me they're
out of butter pecan.

No, Daddy, they fired George.

EDITH:
Oh, no!

Why did they do that?

One of the checkers said that

some of the customers have been
complaining about George.

Oh, well, that figures.

What do you mean,
"that figures"?

I mean it figures because he's
probably doing the same thing

down at Ferguson's
he was doing here this morning.

Lifting girls up in the air.
Oh!

No, Daddy,
that's not it.

It seems that there was a line
of people waiting for box boys

and George was very late getting
back to work this morning.

Oh, my, I hope it ain't because
we kept him here talking?

I think it is, Ma.

Oh, Archie!
[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, come on, will you?
I'll get it.

You must be Mrs. Bunker.

Yeah.

I'm Pat Bushmill.
George's father.

George, the box boy
down at Ferguson's Market.

Oh, George.

Well, come in, Mr. Bushmill.

Look who's here.
George's father.

That's my
daughter Gloria.

And this is my--
Look, uh...

Mrs. Bunker, I don't want
to interrupt you,

but I am in a hurry.

See, I just heard that George
lost his job at Ferguson's

because he was late
getting back from here.

We know. I'm sorry. We didn't
mean to keep him that long.

Edith, don't be talking
as if it's our fault

that the boy got fired.

We didn't do nothing.
I only gave him a cookie.

I told him
he was entitled

and ought to take himself
a break from work.

You told that boy
to take a break

in the middle
of a work day?

Where do you come off
doing a thing like that?

Well, why not? He deserves
a break like anybody else,

even if he is a kid
with half his marbles.

Oh, Daddy, how can you say
a thing like that?

MR. BUSHMILL:
It's okay.

Folks, I've heard
it all before.

And it's just this kind
of attitude, see,

that got George fired.

Now, them markets are just
waiting for an excuse

to get rid of kids
like my boy.

Hold it. Don't get sore.

Because I commensurate with you
on all of that.

It must be hard
to raise a kid like that.

Mr. Bushmill, George must feel
terrible about being fired.

How's he taking it?

I don't know.
He didn't come home!

He didn't come home?

No.
Oh, gee.

We don't know
where he went.

He didn't tell us
where he was going

so if you don't mind--

All I know is that he
ran out of here saying,

"I'll show you!
I'll show you!"

W-w-wait a minute.
Hold it.

Are you sure those
are the words he used?

Yes, I'm sure.

Then that means he's going to
come back to show you something.

He'll be back here!
Oh, jeez.

Look...

Do you mind if
I wait here for him?

Well, now, to tell
you the truth--

Not at all, Mr. Bushmill.

Let me have your coat.
Oh, thanks.

Would you like
some coffee and ice cream?

[ARCHIE SARCASTICALLY
IMITATES EDITH]

Just coffee.

Why don't
you sit down.

Oh, jeez.

Yeah, but not
in my--

Oh, what's the use!

Get out of my way.
Get over there.

Uh, how do you know
that your son George

is really coming back here

to this house,
uh, Mr. George?

Bushmill.
Whatever.

I mean, maybe he forgot
where the house is.

No, not George.

Why would he forget?
He's been here lots of times.

Yeah, well, just because today
he got fired from his job,

maybe it got him all mixed up,
you know?

It must be awful tough
getting a job like that

in the first place, huh?

You don't know the half of it.

Let me ask you something.

Could you hire my boy
down where you work?

Where I work? No.

To start with, you got to be
on your toes, you know?

And to be on your toes, you got
to know where your toes are.

Funny.

Funny.

Everybody's got excuses.

You see, that's why these kids

don't have a real chance
to hold onto jobs.

Now, if they did,
they would do great.

Yeah, but after all, you know
the reverse advice is true.

I mean, uh, people do get
a little scared of them kids.

You know, they don't know
what they're going to do.

Maybe they'd play
with matches.

Matches?

Yeah, there was a kid like that

where Edith and me used
to live on Union Street.

He set fire to a canary.

You're not talking about

somebody who was
mentally handicapped.

You're talking about pyromania.

No, no. I think the family was
from Hungaria. Where is that?

You know, Arch,

you ought to be in the
Guinness Book of World Records.

Most Stupid Remarks
Made in a Single Day.

Nuts to you, buddy.

Don't pay no attention
to him over there.

He's always thinking
I'm going to say

the wrong thing
about everything.

But you and me,
we're both fathers.

We understand
these things.

Say, why don't you put that son
of yours in one of them homes?

What?
Yeah, why not?

They're awful good.
The kids work there.

They teach them useful things
to do like--

What do they teach?
Weaving baskets.

Get one thing straight,
Bunker.

My kid doesn't have to weave
baskets, you understand?

He's going to make it
on his own like his brother.

Oh, jeez, you got
another one like that?

It don't run in families, eh?

As a matter of fact,

George's brother just
passed his bar exam.

Oh, yeah?
Where does he tend bar?

You just broke
your own record!

George's brother
is a lawyer.

Now, you see, the point
I'm trying to make, Bunker,

is it's not inherited.

Now, you should know that.

You've got a perfectly
normal daughter.

Yeah, thank God for that.

Let me ask you something
about George.

I mean, how did
that happen to him?

When he was a baby,

did someone throw him up in the
air and forget to catch him?

It's a common birth defect.

The doctors call it "anoxia."

It means he didn't get enough
oxygen when he was born.

Now, that's what happened
to George.

What's your excuse?

I don't understand
that question.

[DOORBELL RINGS FURIOUSLY]

Oh, maybe
that's him now!

[THUMPING AT DOOR]

George!
Hi, Gloria!

Mr. Bunker!
George!

Dad. What are you doing here?
Where have you been, George?

I-I-I-I...
Take it easy! Easy, George.

Calm down.

I had to go back to the store
to get this, Dad.

That didn't take you all day.
Where have you been?

I-I-I got another job.
GLORIA: Ooh!

George, that's terrific!
You got a job!

Congratulations, George.

Yeah, Mr. Bunker,
remember I said

I was going to show
you something.

I had to go back
to the store

because I had this hanging up
in the back room

over where
I hang my coat.

Here! Read it, Mr. Bunker.
Read it!

All right, George.
Let me see what it says here.

Yeah.

"Every man is my superior
in that I may learn from him."

Oh, you read that real good,
Mr. Bunker.

Nice, George.
What the hell's it mean?

It means everyone is
smarter than you, Arch.

Shut up!

Oh, no, Mike.

It-- It means that anyone
can learn from anyone.

Even from me.

"Every man is my superior
in that I may learn from him."

Gee, I wonder
who said that?

I think it was
David Carradine in Kung Fu.

I think she's right.

Well, whoever said it,
it's a great thought.

Go ahead, George.
Tell them where you got it.

Sometimes at school
I used to cry

because boys
called me stupid.

And then my teacher
gave me this.

And then I didn't
have to cry no more.

Is this still not working,
Mr. Bunker?

Oh, be careful. You'll hurt
yourself with that, George.

No, I'll be careful,
Mr. Bunker.

All right, then.
You can play with it.

Come on, George. Tell me
about your new job.

Well, Ferguson's
fired me, Dad.

Uh, the manager said I couldn't
work there no more, so I left.

And then what
did you do?

Well, I went down to the factory
where my friend Albert works.

And he got me a job there
working on the loading dock.

The loading dock? That's the
same kind of work Archie does.

Edith, please, huh?

I don't work. I'm a foreman.

Georgie, I'm proud
of you, son.

Now, you got that job
all by yourself. You see?

Hey, George!

I'm really proud of you too.

Only now, Gloria,

I won't be carrying
your bags.

And I guess I can't be
your boyfriend no more.

Oh, but George...

But-- But we can still
be good friends, can't we?

Sure.

That would be nice.

Oh, jeez, don't
get him excited!

Come on, George. Come on.
We've got to get going.

Okay, Dad. Here you are,
Mr. Bunker. It's all fixed now.

You just had the blade
in backwards.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Hold it there.

Come on, Meathead.
Get ahold of that door.

Bring it over.
Let me try this thing out.

The kid's been fooling with it.
I hope he didn't ruin it.

Hold it steady.
Hold onto it. That's it.

Hey!
Hey! Hey!

Hey, look at that! It's picking
up wood! It's fixed!

Isn't that wonderful!
George fixed it!

Well, bye, everybody.

GLORIA: Oh, goodbye, George.
Goodbye, Mr. Bushmill.

Don't worry about it,
Mr. Bunker.

Sometimes I get things
backwards too.

Goodbye.

The blade in backwards.

[CHUCKLES]

College boy.

Foreman.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.