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♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
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♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪
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♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪
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♪ Those were the days ♪
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<i>♪ And you knew where</i>
<i>You were then ♪</i>
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<i>♪ Girls were girls</i>
<i>And men were men ♪</i>
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<i>♪ Mister, we could use a man</i>
<i>Like Herbert Hoover again ♪</i>
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<i>♪ Didn't need</i>
<i>No welfare state ♪</i>
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<i>♪ Everybody pulled</i>
<i>His weight ♪</i>
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<i>♪ Gee, our old LaSalle</i>
<i>Ran great ♪</i>
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♪ Those were the days ♪
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[GROANS]
13
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Edith.
14
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Edith!
15
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Edith!
16
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My back is k*lling me!
17
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ARCHIE: Edith!
18
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There he goes again.
19
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Edith!
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[BAT KNOCKING ON FLOOR]
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[SIGHS] Ma, Daddy's
calling again.
22
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Ma.
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Hey, why'd they stop
talking on the TV?
24
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They're getting ready
to operate on the little boy.
25
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What's wrong with him?
26
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Well, the world-famous surgeon
thinks it's a burst appendix,
27
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but Marcus Welby says
28
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it's nothing
but a green apple bellyache.
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Edith!
30
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Coming, Archie!
31
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Ma, you want me
to go upstairs
32
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for you this time?
33
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Oh, would you, Gloria?
Thank you.
34
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Yeah.
35
00:01:56,115 --> 00:01:57,515
What do you think it is, Ma?
36
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Well, I got to go along
with Dr. Welby.
37
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I don't think it's...
38
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I think it's
just a green apple bellyache.
39
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Ma, I was talking about Archie.
40
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Oh, no.
41
00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:13,932
Archie never eats apples
unless they're cooked.
42
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Edith! Edith! Edith!
43
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I'm here, Daddy.
44
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You ain't Edith.
Where's your mother?
45
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She's downstairs resting.
46
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She's tired, Daddy.
47
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She's tired?
48
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I'm the one that's
been laying here all week.
49
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Yeah, laying up here
banging on the floor,
50
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making all that noise.
51
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Why do you keep
that stupid baseball bat
52
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,421
in the bedroom for, anyway?
53
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Listen, little girl,
this is household security--
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my old ball bat
from high school days.
55
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If you'd have been born a boy
like you should have been,
56
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you'd have inherited that.
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I'm sorry
I disappointed you, Daddy.
58
00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:53,805
Now, what'd you want?
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I called Stretch Cunningham
down at work
60
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about five hours ago.
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Did he call me back?
62
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No, he didn't.
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Well, they must be
in awful trouble down there
64
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on the job without me.
65
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Are you sure
our phone is working okay?
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I'm sure, Daddy.
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00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:11,122
I'd never know anything up here
all by myself.
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I feel like I'm shipwrecked
on a desert island.
69
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Jeez, even Robinson Crusoe
had company on Friday.
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00:03:20,099 --> 00:03:22,466
Listen, Daddy,
I'm sorry you're in pain,
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00:03:22,468 --> 00:03:24,068
but it's not gonna
do you any good
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to worry about work.
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I'm sure they're
getting along down there
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00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,439
without you just fine.
75
00:03:28,441 --> 00:03:29,774
What do you mean
by that?
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00:03:29,776 --> 00:03:32,944
Nothing. All I meant
was nobody's indispensable.
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Well, you're wrong.
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I happen to be the most
dispensable guy down there.
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I'm sorry, Archie.
What did you want?
80
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One, I want my back rubbed.
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And two, when I call for you,
82
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I don't want
the second team sent up here.
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Thanks a lot, Daddy.
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00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,797
It's really nice
to be appreciated.
85
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:54,999
Oh, he didn't mean
nothing, Gloria.
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It's just
the pain talking.
87
00:03:57,337 --> 00:03:58,502
I'll see you later, Ma.
88
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It's just
the pain talking.
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You're the only pain
that's talking.
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Come on and rub
my back now.
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00:04:18,558 --> 00:04:19,523
And don't hurt me!
92
00:04:22,594 --> 00:04:23,627
Oh, Edith!
93
00:04:23,629 --> 00:04:26,497
Your fingers are as cold
as tricycles here!
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[SCREAMS]
95
00:04:28,901 --> 00:04:29,901
[SIGHS]
How's Archie?
96
00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:31,069
He's okay.
97
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:33,938
Boy, I wish he'd get laryngitis
some time.
98
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:34,805
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
99
00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:39,210
Hello?
100
00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:41,545
No, he's sick upstairs in bed.
101
00:04:41,547 --> 00:04:44,815
Can I please tell him
who called?
102
00:04:44,817 --> 00:04:46,885
Oh, he's been expecting
your call.
103
00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:48,686
Michael, it's Stretch Cunningham
from the plant.
104
00:04:48,688 --> 00:04:50,821
Who cares?
105
00:04:53,092 --> 00:04:54,859
Oh, good,
he'll be happy to hear that.
106
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:56,027
Yes, thank you.
107
00:04:56,029 --> 00:04:57,461
ARCHIE: [YELLING]
Who's that on the phone?
108
00:04:57,463 --> 00:04:58,763
Excuse me a second.
109
00:04:58,765 --> 00:05:02,033
Daddy, it's Stretch Cunningham
from the plant.
110
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:04,735
He says don't worry
about the job. Stay in bed.
111
00:05:04,737 --> 00:05:06,371
They're doing fine without you.
112
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ARCHIE: Hold that phone!
I'm coming down!
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00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:11,542
Hold on, Mr. Cunn--
ARCHIE: Hold on!
114
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My father wants
to speak to you.
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Edith, what are
you doing to me?
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I'm trying to help you.
117
00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:18,383
You got the right arm
in the wrong hole.
118
00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:20,618
Get away from me,
Edith, get away!
119
00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:23,854
Give me the phone.
Get over there.
120
00:05:23,856 --> 00:05:24,722
[CALMLY] Hiya, Stretch.
121
00:05:27,359 --> 00:05:29,827
Well, I just wanted to know
how everything was down at work.
122
00:05:31,530 --> 00:05:33,264
Fine, huh?
123
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,900
Well, how's the new guy,
Chuck Matthews, because I--
124
00:05:37,536 --> 00:05:40,538
Yeah, I know
he's as strong as an ox.
125
00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:42,273
Well, no, no,
I just wanted to say
126
00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:44,208
that I'll be well
in a couple of days.
127
00:05:44,210 --> 00:05:47,011
I'll come down and straighten
everything out for you.
128
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:50,648
Everything's
all straightened out anyway.
129
00:05:50,650 --> 00:05:52,716
Yeah, well, all right, Stretch.
No, that's all right.
130
00:05:52,718 --> 00:05:55,420
Thanks
for calling me back, yeah.
131
00:05:55,422 --> 00:05:56,520
Yeah, goodbye...
132
00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:59,190
you lousy crumb.
133
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,659
Well, it was nice
of him to call you
134
00:06:01,661 --> 00:06:03,627
and put your mind at rest.
135
00:06:03,629 --> 00:06:05,430
Aw, put the robe on me,
will you, Edith,
136
00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:07,865
and don't talk,
it makes the pain worse.
137
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:09,334
Help me over
to the chair.
138
00:06:09,336 --> 00:06:11,269
Aren't you going
back to bed?
139
00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:13,504
No, I ain't.
140
00:06:13,506 --> 00:06:15,006
And will you get
your little keister
141
00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:17,241
out of my chair?
142
00:06:17,243 --> 00:06:20,044
Archie, you don't want
the doctor to come
143
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:21,179
and find you up.
144
00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:22,746
It makes
a better impression
145
00:06:22,748 --> 00:06:25,783
if you ain't
walking around.
146
00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:27,618
Oh, yeah?
147
00:06:27,620 --> 00:06:29,187
Well, I got news for you.
148
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:31,489
They don't care
if you're up or down.
149
00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:33,458
Doctors. You could be
hanging in a closet
150
00:06:33,460 --> 00:06:35,793
for all they care,
151
00:06:35,795 --> 00:06:37,395
bunch of butchers.
152
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,830
They treat you like
you was a side of beef.
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[GROANS]
154
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,701
[GROANS] Oh, gee.
155
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Pain goes through me
like a knife.
156
00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:48,672
You probably aggravated it
when you came down.
157
00:06:48,674 --> 00:06:50,341
What was so important
about that phone call anyway?
158
00:06:56,581 --> 00:06:58,582
It talks.
159
00:07:01,586 --> 00:07:05,356
I thought that was a dummy
out of the wax museum,
160
00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:07,225
but it's alive.
161
00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:08,359
[CHUCKLES]
162
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:10,761
Look at him,
gawking over his checkers there.
163
00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:12,930
It's not checkers, it's chess.
164
00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:15,666
Aw, tell me something
I don't know, huh?
165
00:07:15,668 --> 00:07:17,402
I know it's chess.
166
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:19,237
I'll tell you something
that you don't know.
167
00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:21,172
That there's a Commie game.
168
00:07:23,942 --> 00:07:25,309
Chess is a Commie game?
169
00:07:25,311 --> 00:07:28,546
See? You didn't know that.
170
00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:29,547
Certainly.
171
00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:31,149
Them Russians forced
that there game
172
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:33,051
on the kids in kindergarten,
173
00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:35,286
instead
of learning them handball.
174
00:07:38,257 --> 00:07:40,824
Edith, I wonder what
Stretch Cunningham meant
175
00:07:40,826 --> 00:07:42,560
when he said
they was doing good
176
00:07:42,562 --> 00:07:43,794
without me
down at work.
177
00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:44,662
[GROANS]
178
00:07:46,198 --> 00:07:47,365
Hey, look at that.
179
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,467
Every time you mention work,
your back gets worse.
180
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,269
You know, I think
your illness is psychosomatic.
181
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,404
Psychosomatic?
182
00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:55,306
What's that?
183
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,641
Oh, my, I hope
it ain't as bad
184
00:07:57,643 --> 00:08:01,011
as the heartbreak
of psoriasis.
185
00:08:11,457 --> 00:08:14,292
Well, is it?
186
00:08:17,062 --> 00:08:18,629
Psychosomatic means
187
00:08:18,631 --> 00:08:20,064
your problem
is all in your mind.
188
00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:21,399
See, sometimes,
189
00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:23,367
worry can bring on all...
all the symptoms
190
00:08:23,369 --> 00:08:24,602
of a physical illness.
191
00:08:24,604 --> 00:08:26,437
Daddy, have you been
worried about your job?
192
00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:28,573
I ain't worried
about my job!
193
00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:32,210
Archie, I didn't know
you was worried about your job.
194
00:08:33,345 --> 00:08:34,778
Stifle yourself, huh?
195
00:08:34,780 --> 00:08:36,514
It's that new guy, right?
Chuck Matthews.
196
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,515
No!
197
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,016
Sure, he's young,
he's strong.
198
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:40,218
You're worried
he's gonna take over
199
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:41,219
for you down there.
200
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:42,487
That is a lie! I--
201
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:45,123
[SCREAMING]
202
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,790
Get away from me!
Get away from me!
203
00:08:46,792 --> 00:08:48,726
Edith, get the feet down!
Edith, Edith!
204
00:08:48,728 --> 00:08:50,495
Help me, help me, Edith!
205
00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:51,996
[HOWLING]
206
00:08:51,998 --> 00:08:53,797
You hurt me, you hurt me,
you hurt me!
207
00:08:53,799 --> 00:08:54,932
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
208
00:08:59,471 --> 00:09:00,605
Hello, Gloria.
209
00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:02,773
[COUGHING AND GAGGING]
210
00:09:07,613 --> 00:09:08,479
Come on in, doctor.
211
00:09:13,718 --> 00:09:14,652
Dr. Spence,
212
00:09:14,654 --> 00:09:16,420
thank you for coming.
213
00:09:16,422 --> 00:09:18,822
Archie has been
in a lot of pain.
214
00:09:18,824 --> 00:09:22,059
Edith, I'll tell the doctor
about my own pain!
215
00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:23,594
Oh, gee.
216
00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:25,095
Come on upstairs, will you?
217
00:09:25,097 --> 00:09:26,564
[HACKING]
218
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,166
Oh, my, doctor,
219
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:30,468
that cough
don't sound too good.
220
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:31,802
It's the pollution.
221
00:09:31,804 --> 00:09:32,936
It's gonna k*ll us all.
222
00:09:36,941 --> 00:09:38,476
Oh, my.
223
00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:41,011
I hope he can help
your father.
224
00:09:41,013 --> 00:09:43,013
Don't worry, Ma.
Daddy'll be all right.
225
00:09:43,015 --> 00:09:44,315
Oh, I hope so,
226
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:47,351
because he ain't
too good at feeling bad.
227
00:09:49,087 --> 00:09:52,356
It's like having a wounded bear
around the house all day.
228
00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:56,394
It ain't so good at night
neither.
229
00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:59,863
Archie keeps waking me up
to turn him over,
230
00:09:59,865 --> 00:10:01,899
and sometimes
he rolls back again
231
00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:04,435
before I can get out of the way.
232
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:06,404
Oh, no!
233
00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:08,606
Oh, yeah,
my arm's the only part of me
234
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,641
that went to sleep all night.
235
00:10:11,510 --> 00:10:12,776
I'd better get up there
236
00:10:12,778 --> 00:10:15,045
and see what's going on.
237
00:10:15,047 --> 00:10:16,480
[HACKING]
238
00:10:17,716 --> 00:10:19,483
Oh, jeez...
239
00:10:21,453 --> 00:10:23,554
Well, what do you
think, doc, huh?
240
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:25,590
Well, you want to know
what I think...
241
00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:27,391
[HACKING, GAGGING]
242
00:10:29,461 --> 00:10:30,595
Doc...
243
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:33,130
you're germinating
all over me here.
244
00:10:36,801 --> 00:10:38,902
Doctor, how is Archie?
245
00:10:38,904 --> 00:10:41,439
Will he have to stay home
much longer?
246
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:43,173
No, just today, Mrs. Bunker.
247
00:10:43,175 --> 00:10:44,875
Oh, that's good, Archie.
248
00:10:44,877 --> 00:10:47,077
Tomorrow, I want him
to go into the hospital.
249
00:10:56,688 --> 00:10:57,821
WOMAN:
Mr. Bunker.
What? Huh?
250
00:10:57,823 --> 00:10:59,290
Wake up, Mr. Bunker.
251
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:01,459
Time for your pill,
Mr. Bunker.
252
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:02,326
[MOANS]
253
00:11:03,462 --> 00:11:06,030
Another sleeping pill,
I suppose.
254
00:11:07,432 --> 00:11:09,800
Everything all right,
Mr. Duval?
255
00:11:09,802 --> 00:11:11,502
[FRENCH ACCENT]
Oh, yes.
256
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,103
I think I'm going
to like this room
257
00:11:13,105 --> 00:11:14,772
better than my old one.
258
00:11:14,774 --> 00:11:16,641
Yes, it's nearer
to the kitchen too.
259
00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:19,410
Some of your meals might
still be warm when you get them.
260
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:21,011
[BOTH LAUGH]
261
00:11:25,250 --> 00:11:27,117
You Americans
are so funny.
262
00:11:27,119 --> 00:11:28,852
Hey, nurse.
263
00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:30,555
What'd they do,
move another guy in there
264
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:31,855
while I was sleeping?
265
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:34,158
Yes, Mr. Bunker,
you have a new neighbor.
266
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:35,359
Oh, I'm glad for the company.
267
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:37,795
Open the partition
so we can see each other.
268
00:11:42,867 --> 00:11:44,535
I'm sorry, it's stuck.
269
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,937
I'll get one of the men
to come up and fix it.
270
00:11:46,939 --> 00:11:48,138
Yeah, well,
while you're at it,
271
00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:50,341
tell my doc
to come and see me, will you?
272
00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:52,176
I ain't seen that croaker
in two days.
273
00:11:52,178 --> 00:11:54,712
Dr. Spence
will be coming in later.
274
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,414
Now try to relax.
275
00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:58,182
Relax, they tell you.
276
00:11:58,184 --> 00:11:59,517
Just when you get all relaxed,
277
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:02,119
they come around
and try and shove a pill at you
278
00:12:02,121 --> 00:12:05,489
or a bedpan under you.
279
00:12:05,491 --> 00:12:07,525
[SIGHS] Then when you really
need a bedpan,
280
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:09,960
all the nurses are sh**ting pool
or something.
281
00:12:14,666 --> 00:12:16,267
Oh, you are quite right,
my friend.
282
00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:17,901
We are at their mercy.
283
00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:21,038
Uh, permit me
to introduce myself. Jean Duval.
284
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:23,073
Oh, nice to meet you there,
Johnny.
285
00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:24,442
No, no, no, no.
286
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:26,377
<i>Ce n'est pas "Johnny,"</i>
<i>c'est "Jean."</i>
287
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:28,746
J-E-A-N.
288
00:12:29,881 --> 00:12:31,982
That's Jean.
289
00:12:31,984 --> 00:12:34,785
Hey, are you sure
you're a boy over there?
290
00:12:34,787 --> 00:12:36,721
[LAUGHS]
291
00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:38,256
I think so.
292
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,090
Just a moment,
I will check.
293
00:12:43,362 --> 00:12:45,796
Yes, I am a boy.
294
00:12:47,799 --> 00:12:50,200
That's a funny one there, John.
295
00:12:50,202 --> 00:12:52,403
Hey, you sound like a Frenchy.
Are you?
296
00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:53,671
<i>Oui,</i> from Martinique.
297
00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:55,439
I'm from Queens, New York.
298
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:56,507
Archie Bunker's my name.
299
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:58,108
What are you
in for, John?
300
00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:00,544
Well, I had this pain
in my back.
301
00:13:00,546 --> 00:13:02,446
Hey, that's what I got.
302
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:04,682
Fortunately, they found out
what the trouble was.
303
00:13:04,684 --> 00:13:06,484
Well, tell me, will you?
What is it?
304
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:07,785
An epidural cyst.
305
00:13:11,323 --> 00:13:13,491
That sounds like
an important part of you.
306
00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:17,461
Oh, I should hope not.
307
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:18,996
They cut me open
and took it out.
308
00:13:20,766 --> 00:13:22,800
Well, I think
I want to keep mine.
309
00:13:24,869 --> 00:13:26,470
[HACKING AND COUGHING]
310
00:13:29,608 --> 00:13:32,610
That's my doctor now.
311
00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:34,612
[CONTINUES TO HACK]
312
00:13:36,047 --> 00:13:37,214
Hey, doc,
where you been,
313
00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:39,016
and why you leave me alone
like this here?
314
00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:41,585
These nurses are sticking
so many needles into me,
315
00:13:41,587 --> 00:13:43,587
you'd think they was
hooking a rug.
316
00:13:45,089 --> 00:13:46,557
I'm sorry, but we have to make
317
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:49,159
an exhaustive
diagnostic evaluation.
318
00:13:49,161 --> 00:13:50,361
Well, can't you do that
319
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,330
after you find out
what's wrong with me?
320
00:13:54,599 --> 00:13:56,334
Well, it doesn't seem
to be rheumatic,
321
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:59,737
and you haven't slipped
a disc, so, uh...
322
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:00,838
So, what?
323
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,340
Well, we'll just have
to look deeper.
324
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,141
Oh, hold it, hold it, doc.
325
00:14:04,143 --> 00:14:06,510
You ain't going to go
cutting into me now, are you?
326
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,111
Oh, no, no, no,
I wouldn't do that.
327
00:14:08,113 --> 00:14:09,980
Well, that's a load off my mind.
328
00:14:09,982 --> 00:14:11,515
We'd get a surgeon to do it.
329
00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:23,260
Will you please cut the funnies?
330
00:14:23,262 --> 00:14:27,665
Only if we have to.
331
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,567
[HACKING]
332
00:14:31,336 --> 00:14:33,136
[WHEEZES]
Have you got a cigarette?
333
00:14:33,138 --> 00:14:35,138
No!
See you later.
334
00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:36,741
Wait a minute.
You just got here!
335
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:38,909
Don't worry. I'm stopping
in to see you tonight.
336
00:14:38,911 --> 00:14:40,411
Oh, well, good.
337
00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:42,646
If not tonight,
maybe the day after tomorrow.
338
00:14:42,648 --> 00:14:44,214
[LAUGHS]
339
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,483
[HACKING]
340
00:14:48,987 --> 00:14:50,755
Ain't he a beauty?
341
00:14:52,691 --> 00:14:54,725
Hey, here he is.
How you doing, Arch?
342
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,326
Oh, hiya there, Lionel!
Come on in.
343
00:14:56,328 --> 00:14:57,628
Hey, Louise,
how are you?
344
00:14:57,630 --> 00:14:59,963
Hi, Archie.
We can't stay long.
345
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:01,699
I've got to get
back to the store.
346
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:04,268
Oh, well,
it's nice of you to drop around.
347
00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:06,136
I brought you some
nice, hot chicken soup.
348
00:15:06,138 --> 00:15:08,038
You make chicken soup?
349
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:09,640
Yeah, Mom makes it
special, with ribs.
350
00:15:13,177 --> 00:15:15,513
Stop it, Lionel.
Be serious.
351
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:16,647
Yeah. Be serious, will ya?
352
00:15:16,649 --> 00:15:18,015
Do what your mother tells you.
353
00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:21,151
Archie, aren't you going
to introduce me to your family?
354
00:15:33,031 --> 00:15:36,033
Uh... Uh, wait, wait,
wait there.
355
00:15:36,035 --> 00:15:37,802
Why... Why wait?
356
00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:40,304
Your wife looks charming.
357
00:15:42,106 --> 00:15:43,908
John, John, listen.
358
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:46,043
Her and me ain't married.
359
00:15:46,045 --> 00:15:47,978
Oh, even better, <i>mon vieux.</i>
360
00:15:50,782 --> 00:15:53,283
She gave you
a fine-looking son anyway.
361
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:58,255
She never gave me nothing
but chicken soup here.
362
00:15:58,257 --> 00:16:00,458
Lionel! Lionel, tell Johnny
you ain't my son.
363
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:03,126
Okay, whatever you say, Pop.
364
00:16:07,031 --> 00:16:08,666
We're just neighbors,
Mr., uh..
365
00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:09,667
Duval.
366
00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:10,668
Mrs. Jefferson.
367
00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:12,970
Lionel, don't be a wise guy now.
368
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,005
Make yourself useful
while you're here.
369
00:16:15,007 --> 00:16:16,106
Open up that partition
370
00:16:16,108 --> 00:16:18,075
so Johnny and me
can see each other.
371
00:16:18,077 --> 00:16:21,645
You mean you two
haven't seen each other?
372
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,348
No, they just wheeled him
in here.
373
00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:26,750
LOUISE: Uh, Lionel,
I think we'd better go.
374
00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:29,553
Aw, no, no.
No, wait a second, Ma.
375
00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:32,189
We're just getting
to the good part here.
376
00:16:32,191 --> 00:16:35,993
Lionel...
Let's go. We're late now.
377
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,461
Goodbye, Archie.
All right.
378
00:16:37,463 --> 00:16:39,162
Nice to have met you, Mr. Duval.
379
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:40,464
<i>Enchanté, madame.</i>
380
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:45,168
Ooh!
381
00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:48,171
Lionel, did you see that?
382
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:50,808
Oh, Mr. Duval.
383
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:52,710
Oh!
384
00:16:57,849 --> 00:17:00,751
Ah, a lovely woman.
385
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,053
Are you sure
you're just neighbors, Archie?
386
00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:05,155
Oh, that's all we are!
387
00:17:05,157 --> 00:17:06,590
Jeez...
388
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:09,860
I mean,
this ain't gay Paree, you know.
389
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,195
We don't go for that "viva
the different stuff" over here.
390
00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:13,196
[CHUCKLES]
391
00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:14,965
You mean <i>vive la différence.</i>
392
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:17,868
Oh, you say that pretty good.
393
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:20,704
But then you would,
being French.
394
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:23,807
Hey, did you ever
run across that there...
395
00:17:23,809 --> 00:17:26,443
that there frog singer,
you remember...
396
00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:28,546
used to be alive...
397
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:30,614
uh... Morris Chevrolet?
398
00:17:33,985 --> 00:17:35,085
Who?
399
00:17:35,087 --> 00:17:37,788
[FRENCH ACCENT]
♪ Every little breeze ♪
400
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:40,323
♪ Seems to whisper Louise ♪
401
00:17:40,325 --> 00:17:42,693
♪ Birds in the trees
Seem to whisper... ♪
402
00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:43,827
Archie!
403
00:17:43,829 --> 00:17:45,162
Aw, Edith, there.
Excuse me.
404
00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:48,465
Archie, you must be
feeling much better.
405
00:17:48,467 --> 00:17:49,533
I ain't heard you
406
00:17:49,535 --> 00:17:52,870
do your Rudy Vallee
imitation for years!
407
00:17:55,406 --> 00:17:57,007
Stifle yourself, huh?
408
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:58,008
Hi, Arch.
409
00:17:58,010 --> 00:17:59,577
Hi, hi. Where's Gloria?
410
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,779
Oh, she said she'd stop by
on her way from work.
411
00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:04,014
I wish you could say
you'd stop by
412
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:07,084
on your way from work.
413
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,853
You know, Arch, it's really
a thrill visiting you.
414
00:18:09,855 --> 00:18:11,288
Hey, Johnny.
415
00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:13,223
Hey, here's
my real wife now.
416
00:18:13,225 --> 00:18:15,559
Edith, say hello
to Johnny Duval over there.
417
00:18:15,561 --> 00:18:16,560
He's a Frenchman.
418
00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:17,561
<i>Bonjour, madame.</i>
419
00:18:17,563 --> 00:18:19,763
How do you do,
Mon...sewer?
420
00:18:23,635 --> 00:18:25,469
You don't
have to talk French to him.
421
00:18:25,471 --> 00:18:26,837
He talks English.
422
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:30,173
Ain't it funny, Archie?
He don't look French.
423
00:18:32,577 --> 00:18:33,577
Uh, <i>pardon?</i>
424
00:18:33,579 --> 00:18:35,746
I was just saying...
425
00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:37,982
[LOUDLY]
you don't look French!
426
00:18:40,085 --> 00:18:41,284
Really?
427
00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:44,622
Edith, you wouldn't know
a Frenchy from a heinie.
428
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:45,623
Now, get over here,
429
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,324
will you?
430
00:18:47,326 --> 00:18:48,726
Jeez.
431
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:49,960
[MIMICKING EDITH]
"You don't look French."
432
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,162
You could tell he was French
from looking at him, huh?
433
00:18:52,164 --> 00:18:53,931
No, but from listening to him.
434
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:56,433
I ain't seen him yet
with that partition there.
435
00:18:56,435 --> 00:18:58,502
Oh, that explains it.
436
00:19:01,439 --> 00:19:03,807
Archie, did
Dr. Spence find out
437
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,676
what was wrong
with your back?
438
00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:07,678
No. He just keeps
running in and out,
439
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,347
looking for cigarettes.
440
00:19:10,349 --> 00:19:12,049
I still think
it's psychosomatic.
441
00:19:12,051 --> 00:19:13,250
Well, you know what I think?
442
00:19:13,252 --> 00:19:14,251
What?
443
00:19:14,253 --> 00:19:15,519
Shut up!
444
00:19:16,688 --> 00:19:18,689
Archie, I brought
you the Twinkies
445
00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:20,457
you asked for.
446
00:19:23,194 --> 00:19:26,096
Leave the Twinkies
on the table there, Edith,
447
00:19:26,098 --> 00:19:27,297
and listen to me, will you?
448
00:19:27,299 --> 00:19:28,365
This is serious.
449
00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:30,567
I may be in here
for a long time to come.
450
00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:32,903
I may never
get back to work. Oh!
451
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:36,339
Arch, Arch, don't you see
how your mind is working?
452
00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:38,275
"I may be here
for a long time.
453
00:19:38,277 --> 00:19:39,677
I may never
get back to work."
454
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,078
And then your back
starts to hurt.
455
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,147
I'm telling you, Arch,
it's all in your mind.
456
00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:44,281
It ain't in my mind!
457
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:45,582
[HOWLING]
458
00:19:45,584 --> 00:19:47,551
See? See what
I'm talking about?
459
00:19:47,553 --> 00:19:49,586
Get the doctor!
Get the doctor! Get the doctor!
460
00:19:49,588 --> 00:19:50,587
Arch.
Get away from me.
461
00:19:50,589 --> 00:19:51,588
Arch...
Get away from me...
462
00:19:51,590 --> 00:19:52,589
Arch!
Get away from me!
463
00:19:52,591 --> 00:19:53,590
Think of
something else.
464
00:19:53,592 --> 00:19:55,392
Get away from me!
465
00:19:56,895 --> 00:19:57,895
[MOANS]
466
00:19:57,897 --> 00:19:59,029
Psychosomatic.
467
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:00,463
Get away from me!
468
00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:03,433
JEAN: Archie,
469
00:20:03,435 --> 00:20:05,569
I am so sorry
you're feeling so bad.
470
00:20:05,571 --> 00:20:07,671
Oh, well.
471
00:20:07,673 --> 00:20:10,941
It's pain, but I can put up
with it there, Johnny.
472
00:20:10,943 --> 00:20:14,011
Yeah, I learned to live
with pain in the w*r,
473
00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:15,312
the big one.
474
00:20:15,314 --> 00:20:16,479
The big one?
475
00:20:16,481 --> 00:20:21,284
Yeah, overseas in WWII.
476
00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:23,453
We saved your country
for you there, Jean.
477
00:20:23,455 --> 00:20:24,588
Remember?
478
00:20:24,590 --> 00:20:26,489
Oh, yes, that was very nice
of you, Archie.
479
00:20:26,491 --> 00:20:28,258
Maybe someday we can return
the favor.
480
00:20:30,661 --> 00:20:31,962
Aw, forget it.
481
00:20:33,297 --> 00:20:34,397
You know, John,
482
00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:36,399
you and me could
be laying up here together
483
00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:37,567
for a long time.
484
00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:39,603
I may never get back to work
at the plant.
485
00:20:39,605 --> 00:20:41,004
[GRUNTS]
486
00:20:41,006 --> 00:20:43,140
What kind of work
do you do, Archie?
487
00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:46,210
Oh, I'm the boss
of a loading bay, John.
488
00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:48,245
I got some men under me there.
489
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:50,881
Stretch Cunningham,
Black Elmo...
490
00:20:50,883 --> 00:20:51,882
Black Elmo?
491
00:20:51,884 --> 00:20:53,117
Yeah, well, we call him that.
492
00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:54,484
That ain't really his name, see,
493
00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:57,087
but there's two Elmos
working down there,
494
00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:58,588
and we call this guy
"Black Elmo"
495
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:01,458
so as not to get him mixed up
with regular Elmo.
496
00:21:02,827 --> 00:21:05,129
[LAUGHS] Oh, I see.
497
00:21:05,131 --> 00:21:08,632
How many regular men do you
have working for you, Archie?
498
00:21:08,634 --> 00:21:11,969
Oh, I got two, if you want
to include this new guy,
499
00:21:11,971 --> 00:21:13,137
Chuck Matthews.
500
00:21:13,139 --> 00:21:15,538
[MOANS]
501
00:21:15,540 --> 00:21:17,941
A young know-it-all.
502
00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:19,810
24-year-old punk.
503
00:21:19,812 --> 00:21:21,344
A pain in the butt.
504
00:21:23,114 --> 00:21:25,749
You think maybe
he's after your job, Archie?
505
00:21:25,751 --> 00:21:29,019
[MOANS]
506
00:21:29,021 --> 00:21:31,354
Hey, hey...
507
00:21:31,356 --> 00:21:34,324
Hey there, Johnny...
508
00:21:34,326 --> 00:21:36,660
That's pretty sharp of you
to come up with that one.
509
00:21:36,662 --> 00:21:37,694
No, no, no.
510
00:21:37,696 --> 00:21:40,230
I heard your son-in-law
say it before.
511
00:21:40,232 --> 00:21:43,066
It may be psychosomatic.
512
00:21:43,068 --> 00:21:45,936
Aw, he don't know
nothing, though. You do.
513
00:21:47,405 --> 00:21:51,541
Hey, John,
you're a pretty sharp man there,
514
00:21:51,543 --> 00:21:53,877
which is what you and me
got in common.
515
00:21:56,114 --> 00:21:57,314
Hey, you know what I think?
516
00:21:57,316 --> 00:21:59,316
When the two of us
get out of this joint,
517
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,718
what we ought to do is,
you ought to get your wife,
518
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:04,988
and come over my house
for supper some night.
519
00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:07,024
Thank you, Archie,
but you and I are...
520
00:22:07,026 --> 00:22:08,292
how you say...uh...
521
00:22:08,294 --> 00:22:10,527
two ships
that pass in the night.
522
00:22:10,529 --> 00:22:12,296
No, we ain't, John.
523
00:22:12,298 --> 00:22:13,596
We can't let that happen,
524
00:22:13,598 --> 00:22:16,399
because you are
my kind of people.
525
00:22:18,469 --> 00:22:20,570
If you say so, Archie.
526
00:22:20,572 --> 00:22:23,874
While I'm thinking about it,
why don't I give you my address?
527
00:22:23,876 --> 00:22:26,276
You can write it down there.
704 Hauser Street.
528
00:22:26,278 --> 00:22:29,412
Uh, hold it, Archie,
I don't have a pen.
529
00:22:29,414 --> 00:22:31,315
Oh, well, I got one
over here, John,
530
00:22:31,317 --> 00:22:33,851
but, jeez, I can't reach it
with the pain.
531
00:22:33,853 --> 00:22:35,853
Okay, Archie, I'll get it.
532
00:22:37,421 --> 00:22:39,256
And they let you
get out of bed, huh?
533
00:22:39,258 --> 00:22:40,423
<i>Certainement.</i>
534
00:22:40,425 --> 00:22:42,559
They say I should walk
a little now every day.
535
00:22:42,561 --> 00:22:45,695
[MOANS]
Oh, lucky you.
536
00:22:45,697 --> 00:22:46,563
Ready.
537
00:23:03,547 --> 00:23:04,481
Who are you?
538
00:23:09,287 --> 00:23:10,854
Jean Duval.
539
00:23:12,323 --> 00:23:13,891
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
540
00:23:13,893 --> 00:23:16,793
Wait a minute!
541
00:23:16,795 --> 00:23:18,362
You said
you was a Frenchman.
542
00:23:18,364 --> 00:23:19,229
<i>Oui.</i>
543
00:23:20,765 --> 00:23:22,366
Well, you didn't tell me
you was black.
544
00:23:22,368 --> 00:23:24,067
You didn't tell me
you was white.
545
00:23:28,006 --> 00:23:30,107
Well, white people
don't have to go around
546
00:23:30,109 --> 00:23:33,043
telling other people that.
547
00:23:33,045 --> 00:23:36,179
I shall remember that
for future reference.
548
00:23:36,181 --> 00:23:37,981
Oh, nurse.
549
00:23:37,983 --> 00:23:39,182
Nurse, hey, nurse.
550
00:23:39,184 --> 00:23:41,218
Archie, we can't
find Dr. Spence.
551
00:23:41,220 --> 00:23:43,086
Oh, I don't care nothing
about Dr. Spence
552
00:23:43,088 --> 00:23:44,187
or this hospital!
553
00:23:44,189 --> 00:23:45,588
I'm getting
the hell out of here!
554
00:23:45,590 --> 00:23:46,589
I'm going back to work!
555
00:23:46,591 --> 00:23:47,991
Archie!
Look, Archie.
556
00:23:47,993 --> 00:23:49,859
Look, he's
moving around!
557
00:23:49,861 --> 00:23:51,228
I told you, psychosomatic!
558
00:23:51,230 --> 00:23:52,229
ARCHIE:
Ah...
559
00:23:52,231 --> 00:23:54,664
You! Psycho, psycho...
560
00:23:54,666 --> 00:23:56,266
You and this guy ought
to get together
561
00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:57,267
and make a record.
562
00:23:57,269 --> 00:23:59,469
No, no, no, no, no.
He is right.
563
00:23:59,471 --> 00:24:01,805
Your illness was psychosomatic.
It is, in fact.
564
00:24:01,807 --> 00:24:04,374
But that is not what got you
up on your feet again.
565
00:24:04,376 --> 00:24:05,375
Huh?
566
00:24:05,377 --> 00:24:08,711
It was...that old black magic.
567
00:24:27,531 --> 00:24:28,966
[♪]
568
00:24:31,836 --> 00:24:34,304
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family
<i>was recorded on tape</i>
569
00:24:34,306 --> 00:24:36,406
<i>before a live audience.</i>
03x15 - Archie in the Hospital (aka Archie Goes to the Hospital)
Watch or Buy on Amazon
Follows Archie & Edith a working class family living NY as they deal with everyday issues.
Follows Archie & Edith a working class family living NY as they deal with everyday issues.