02x20 - Edith Gets a Mink

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ pasta in meat sauce ♪

ma, who's that at the door?
It's a package for me
by special messenger.

Ooh, it looks exciting.
Who's it from?
It don't say.

I wonder what it can be.
Open it up.

The last time
I had a package this size...

Was from your grandmother
on your father's side--

a beautiful lace tablecloth
over years old.

I don't remember seeing that.
That's because I've been
saving it for best.

But we ain't had no best.

Open up the package.
What do you think it is, Gloria?

Ma, if you don't open it up,
I'll go crazy.
Right.

Oh, it's a beautiful box.

I'm gonna save it.
It'll come in hand--

oh, Gloria,
this can't be for me.

It's a mink cape.
It's beautiful.

You know, I've seen this
somewhere before.

Oh, there must be
some mistake.

No, ma. It's no mistake.
It's from your cousin Amelia.

Amelia. That's where
I've seen it, on Amelia.

But why would she be
sending me her mink cape?

"Dear Edith,
I'm giving this to you...

Because of your kindness
in looking after me
after I had my operation."

Oh, she didn't have to do that.

"I know you'll say I
don't have to do this, Edith,

but I really want you
to have the mink."

Oh, ain't that nice?

I wonder why she sent it.
They're coming over on Friday.

"I know we're coming over
Friday, but I couldn't
wait for you to have it."

Oh, that's very nice.
But what will Amelia
do without it?

"Russ is buying me a new one
for my birthday anyway.

Love, Amelia."
Oh, ma, put it on.

You know,
I've always wondered
what mink felt like.

What does it feel like, ma?

It feels just like soft fur.

[ Door opens ]
[ Michael ]
Hi, Gloria. I'm home.

Oh, ma, that's Michael.
You stay in here
until I call you.

Hi, sweetheart.
I'm glad you're home.
Hi.

Stand right there.
I've got a big surprise for you.
What's going on?

You'll see.
Ready, ma?
Yeah.

♪ There she is ♪

♪ miss America ♪

♪ there she is ♪

♪ your ideal ♪

♪ there she is ♪

I don't believe it, ma.
It can't be you.

Oh, yeah, Mike.
It's me.

Ma, that's mink.
Where did that come from?

It's Amelia dekuyper's way
of saying thank you.
Gee, that's some thank you.

I'm gonna have to find
someplace fancy to wear this.

Only Archie don't take me
to no mink places.

Archie don't take you
to no places.

Oh, Mike.
That ain't fair.

It's true,
but it ain't fair.

I gotta see
what this looks like
in the bathroom door.

That's something.
I didn't know cousin
Amelia was that rich.

Well, her husband's
a plumbing contractor.

Oh, yeah.
They make half a mink a day.

Boy, I wanna tell you.

Coming home through this city
some nights is like coming
through a minefield.

Daddy, you should see
what ma just got.
I'm talking, Gloria.

I leave work and
I go down the subway, see.

Your mayor Lindsay's
two-level trolley system.

And what do I find there?
The subway platform
is jammed with peoples.

It's a wall-to-wall melting pot.
Why? 'Cause the trains ain't
running again.

Well, that's too bad--
so, looking for somebody
who speaks my language,

I go up to this subway guard.

And he happens to be one of your
pushy "imported" ricans.

And so I says to him,
you know, trying to be polite,

"what's up, Pedro?"

He says, "the main's broke.
The water's flooding the rails."

"How am I gonna get home?"
He says, "try swimming
up the tracks."

Now I ask you, for a city
employee to talk to an--

I'm all alone here.
When did this happen?

What, are you hiding someplace?
Where the hell are you?

What's going on?
Daddy, you just stand
right there, okay?

Where's your mother?

♪ Here she comes ♪

♪ miss America ♪

♪ here she comes ♪

♪ your ideal ♪

♪ the dreams
of millions of girls ♪

♪ who are more than pretty ♪

♪ may come true ♪

♪ in Atlantic city ♪
hey, hey.

Pull the plug on that, huh?

Well, how do you
like it, Archie?

I thought we were saving
our green stamps for a camera.

That's a beautiful fur there.
She looks fabulous.
Can't you say something nice?

What's nice about it?
It probably took every
stamp book we had.

No, Archie.
It's a present
from cousin Amelia...

For looking after
her gall bladder.

Oh, a present
from cousin Amelia, huh?
Mm-hmm.

- Well, give it back.
- Oh, Archie. Why?

Because a present
from cousin Amelia...

Is also a present from
your cousin-in-law Russ too.

And you ain't accepting
no gifts from Russel dekuyper.

But daddy,
ma did something
nice for Amelia.

Now Amelia's doing
something nice for ma.
Yeah, she earned that cape.

Listen, Sonny boy.
In the first place,

earning is a subject
you know nothing about.

And in the second place,
that cape ain't earned.

That's charity,
which Archie bunker don't take
from nobody in the third place.

What charity, arch? It's a gift.
That isn't largesse.

I ain't saying
it's largesse, "smallesse"
or any kind of "esse."

When I want my wife
to have a fur coat,
I'll buy her a fur coat.

You will?
No.

Daddy, can't you understand
how ma feels about having
her very own mink?

I can understand that she's
gonna give that fur cape back
to the dekuypers, that's all.

Russ dekuyper.
He's rich.

So he's always lauding it
over the whole world.

He spends his life looking
for wounds to rub salt into.

He sure found one with you.
You're practically green
with jealousy.

What are you talking about?
Jealous of who, Russ dekuyper?

Why, the man ain't
got of a gleaming feature.

He ain't smart.
He ain't certainly
what you'd call good-looking.

You mean like you?

Well, now that you mention,
yeah. Ask Edith.
She knows the two of us.

Who's better looking Edith, me
or that dumb dutchman dekuyper.

You are, Archie, by far.
Satisfied?

Can I keep the cape now?

No.

Now will you quit fooling around
and get chow on the table?
All right, Archie.

Oh, boy.
"Oh, boy."
Yeah. Yeah.

And what are you
looking at anyway?

I'm surprised at youse two
"ecrology" nuts...

Encouraging your mother
there to wear fur.

They breed those animals, daddy.
That's right, arch. Mink is not
an endangered species.

Oh, geez.
Them minks hangin' around your
mother-in-law's neck out there,

they'll be glad to hear that--
that they ain't endangered,
just m*rder*d.

Besides, your mother-in-law
ain't a mink-type person.

I mean, it's like puttin'
a white tie and tails
on the meathead here.

Hold it, Edith.
Wait a minute.

Is this all we're having?
Oh, no, Archie.

We're having spaghetti just
the way you like it-- long.

Oh. I like it short.

I thought you liked it long...

Except in the case of elbow
macaroni which is short
because it's bent.

You're a pip,
you know that, Edith?

A real pip.

- Go on.
Get me the long spaghetti.
- Right away, Archie.

Your mother's getting
dingbattier than ever
with that cape around her there.

And that's why
that Russ dekuyper
sent it over here,

to "percolate"
my family against me.

To fill their minds
with the thought...

That I ain't
rich enough to buy my wife
the thing she wants.

- Well, daddy, you're not.
- You see that? It's poisoning
your mind already.

I'm not gonna stand for this.
Edith, before you
sit down to eat,

you get on the phone,
you call the dekuypers.

You tell Amelia
you're giving back that cape.

Oh, no, Archie.
I can't do that. I can't
hurt her feelings that way.

Oh, well,
if you can't, I can.

I'll make the phone call
myself, that's all.
Archie, please don't do that.

Don't tell me what to do, Edith.
Just get the spaghetti
on the table.

But Archie--
no, don't "but" me "but" me.
Just do what you're told.

Archie, I'll give the cape back,
but don't insult them.

Oh, no.
I'm gonna straighten out
Russ dekuyper right now.

Daddy, they're
coming over here Friday.
Why can't you wait till then?

Because I wanna throw
that cape back into his face
while I'm in the mood.

Arch--
go on, Edith.

Dummy up.

Hello?
Hey, is that you, Russ?

This is Archie bunker here.

Yeah, uh, Russ,
about that fur cape
you sent over here.

Well, Edith can't use it.

No, no, no.
She can't take your fur, Russ.

Cat fur, rabbit,
anything like that, you know.

Yeah, she's got, uh--
what do you call these--
allergies.

Yeah. Oh, geez.
She's sneezing her
face off right now.

Gesundheit in there, Edith.

I just wanna say,
when you come over
Friday night...

You pick up the fur and you
give it away to the "salivation"
army or something like that.

Russ, I can't talk now
because they're serving dinner.

I gotta go.
That's all. Good-bye.

Well, it's final now, Edith!

You're gonna
give back that cape!
[ Edith screams ]

What are we gonna eat now?

What's keeping
your mother-in-law?

The dry cleaners is only
two blocks away here.

You know, when I think of you
making her give back that fur,
I get sick to my stomach.

Look at you. You could eat
the carpets off the floor...

Without getting
sick to your stomach.

Michael.
Ma got those goodies
for Russ and Amelia.

Besides, we're going
to eat after the movie.

Oh, my.
Sorry I took so long.

Oh, let me catch my breath.
Never mind about your breath.
You can breathe later.

Russ and Amelia are coming
over here any minute, huh?
Where's the cape?

They're keeping it.

The jeffersons have been
cleaning that cape for six days.
Ain't they done yet?

He had terrible trouble
with that stain.

He had to put
the mink through twice
and it still wouldn't come out.

Well, he should have
put it through a third time.

That's just it.
He shouldn't have.
The third time,

the fur came out
in big patches.

Are you telling me that
Jefferson ruined that fur?
Edith, I'll sue the guy.

He was very upset about it,

but he says that he'll
get his insurance company
to clear it right away.

Why did you bring it
down to the jeffersons'
in the first place?

I mean, the colored people
don't know nothing
about dry cleaning.

What do they know about fur?

That's right, arch.
All we taught them was
how to work with cotton.

Go carry a sign, will ya?

Mr. Jefferson said
we might get as much as $ .

Edith, don't never bring
no more clean-- $ ?

Yeah, he said it would be that
because it was not new fur.

Well, wait a minute.
Edith, $ ?

Hey, wait a second, arch.

You're not thinking of keeping
that money, are you?

I might be.

- Why not?
- You already told Russ you
were gonna give back the cape.

But there ain't no cape now.

Oh, gee, arch.
When it was just a fur cape,
you couldn't care less.

Now it's $ ,
your whole world lights up.

Would you listen to this guy?
You know something
about yourself?

You ain't got
no class at all.

What do you expect me to do,
insult a relation,

a rich relation at that,
by offering him $ ?

Arch, I thought
you didn't wanna take charity.

This ain't charity.
This is gonna be a check
from an insurance company.

And if you think insurance
companies give out charity,

you're a lot dumber
than I ever gave you credit for.

Archie, it's the dekuypers'
money because it was their
cape that got damaged.

How can you honestly
think of keeping the money?

The same way a lot of people
keep millions of dollars,
don't pay no taxes.

Like, uh, for instance
your Ronald Reagan there.

You're throwing
that example up to me?

Certainly, meathead.
That is the way the system
is supposed to work.

And Reagan is a guy
who knows how to work it.

Archie, that's not the way
the system's supposed to work.

I told you about Ronald Reagan,
you bawled hell out of me...

For besmirching the name
of a great governor.

And don't do it no more.

Because the U.S. of a. Is run
along certain principles.

And giving back $
to a man who don't need it...

Goes against everything
this nation stands for.

If that's what this nation
stands for, then the people have
been devalued, not the dollar.

Nuts to you.
Yeah?

You was supposed to be
going to the movies. Get lost.

Come on, Michael.
Let's go.
[ Doorbell rings ]

I don't want them going
out the front door.
Go out the back door.

Why? What's wrong?
Because I don't want youse
to meet the dekuyper's...

And open your big mouth
and screw everything up.

You're nuts.
Go on. Get lost.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Coming.

Hold it, Edith.
Don't answer that door.
Just a minute.

Now, say nothing.
Don't you open your mouth and
say word one about that cape.

You make like
an oyster and clam up.

I hate these people.
Open that door.

Hi, Edith.
Hey, how are you?

Hey, Russ.
How are you?
Good.

Amelia.
Oh, Archie.

You look terrific.
You put a few pounds on,
but you look terrific.

Arch, you ain't changed a bit.
Same old arch.

Same old Russ.
Same old Edith too.

Same old living room.

Sort of brown, ain't it?

Reminds me
of what I come up from.

[ No audible dialog ]

Arch, what Russ means
is we're more like
what you'd call pink people.

Aw, hey.
We got a son-in-law
who's one of them.

Hey, come on, Amelia.
Sit down on the sofa here.

You do the decorating
yourself, Edith?

Oh, no, no. I ain't
too good at that, Amelia.

But I did paint
the laundry basket once
with one of them spray cans.

Remember, Archie?
Yeah, forget it.

But I-- I forgot
to take the laundry out.

And Archie was wearing
wicker pattern underwear
for a whole year.

Private, Edith, huh?
Private.

Hey, arch,
about that mink cape.

Cape?
Wh-what about it?

I don't believe none of that
guff you was giving me
about Edith's allergies.

It was only you being
allergic to charity, wasn't it?

Russ, I never
thought of that as charity.

What do you mean?
Coming from you?

Good. Because Amelia and me,
we want Edith to keep the cape.

Why shouldn't she have
a little luxury in her life?
I mean, look around here.

- Russel.
- Listen, Amelia.
Listen. That's okay.

I mean, after all,
some guys make it
and some guys don't.

So youse two wanna give
that fur cape to Edith here,
well, I say beautiful.

- But Archie,
how can we keep the cape?
- Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Is there something in your eye?

Would you make coffee?

Wait a minute, Edith.
First I gotta see what
you look like in that fur.

- Try it on.
- Oh, Amelia, I-I--

she, uh, she can't
do that, Amelia, see?

'Cause the cape is
still at the dry cleaners.

But I had it cleaned just
before I sent it to you.

Oh, well, uh, you know,
Edith done it again...

Because she's a nut about
bringing things to the cleaner--
but, Archie, we both took it--

let me finish.

See, Edith knows
these colored people.
They run the dry cleaners.

- Colored?
- Yeah. Oh, hey.

But, listen, they're great.
Didn't you ever hear?

I mean, they get right in there.
The benzine, it don't do
nothing to them there.

I mean, they're
really great at doing furs.

They're real geniuses
in the cleaning profession.

Speaking of clean, arch.
Where's your bathroom?

Oh, same old place, Russ.
Right upstairs.

I don't know why you don't
get a downstairs John.

Well, listen, I ain't got
your money there, buddy.
[ Chuckles ]

You know, there is one thing
that I like about you, arch.

What's that, Russ?
You are poor and you know it.

Just don't wanna throw money
down the drain, right?
[ Chuckles ]

You get it?
Down the drain.

[ Laughing ]

That's a plumber's joke.
Oh, yeah. Plumber.

That's funny.
That's funny.

Laugh it up.

[ Continues laughing ]

Oh, that Russ.

He's always saying
funny things like that.

Working with him
all day long is like having
your own personal Johnny Carson.

[ Toilet flushes ]

Shut the door, Russel.

The door is shut, Amelia.
It always sounds like that.

Hey, arch.
Your float valve is half shut.
Huh?

Oh, yeah. You know,
you could use a new toilet.
Oh.

As a matter of fact, you could
use a whole new bathroom.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Here. Try this.

Thanks very much, Russ.
Will you stop carrying greasy
parts around in your good suit?

Hello, Edith.
Hello, Louise.
Come in.

Oh, you've got company.
I won't stay.

Oh, no. Come and meet
my cousin, Amelia dekuyper.

And this is her husband,
Mr. Russ dekuyper.
Hi, there.

This is Mrs. Jefferson.
Her husband runs the cleaners.

Uh, Mrs. Jefferson,
could we talk to you about all
of this just a little later on?

Oh, sure. But I was just
so upset about what happened
to the mink cape.

-Something happened to the cape?
-It sure was a shame you spilt
all of that sauce on it.

Mrs. Jefferson,
I'll tell you what you do.
Just don't worry about it...

And get us back
the cape as soon as
ever you can, huh?

But there's nothing left
but the skin.

So I got George to make out
his check without waiting for
the insurance to come through.

Just like I told you,
Edith, $ .
Thank you.

Well, so long, folks.
Nice to have met you.
Yeah, yeah.

Thanks very much,
Mrs. Jefferson.
Good-bye there.

Put that away.

Uh, Edith, why don't you make
some coffee for everybody?

Now, wait a second.
What's this about $ ?

- Russ, let her make the coffee.
- What about the $ ?

Russ, Amelia,
we was gonna tell you.

You see, we had
an accident with the cape
and spilled some food on it.

And the cleaners ruined it.
But the insurance
is paying for it.

Well, well, well.
It's like I always say, Amelia.

Cast your bread upon the waters
and it comes back dough.

Thank you, Edith.
Hold it. Hold it there, Russ.

That check ain't yours.
That's ours.

No, it isn't.
No. He's right, Russel.
We gave them the cape.

Will you zip it up, Amelia.
I want that money.

Listen to rich
daddy drainpipes over here.

Dredging after a lousy $ .

We do not need
the money, Russel.

You know how much
I gotta make to keep
$ cash in our tax bracket?

I gotta make , maybe $ .

That's why I want that check.
Now, you give me that $ .

Why, you copper-plated phony,
you. You're money nuts.

When this was just a raggy fur,
you couldn't care less about it.

Now it's $ ,
your whole world lights up.
You bet it does.

You really bet it does.
Three hundred bucks tax free
is really illuminating.

And I ain't leaving here
without I get that check.

Oh, money, money, money.
You really love it,
don't you, rich man?

You bet I do.
How do you think
I got to be rich, poor man?

Aw, geez, the greed of him.
I can smell it all over him.
Whoo!

What you're smelling
is the sweet perfume
of success.

Listen to this guy
talking about perfume.

And him all day long
up to his armpits in toilets.

Them toilets got me
my beachfront home
in neponset.

Oh, listen to the big shot here.

Bragging because he was
lucky enough to marry into
a successful plumbing racket.

Successful? Her father's
business wasn't worth the red
ink it cost to keep the books.

I built that business up myself.

Get out of here. Her old man
left you a going concern.

And her brother
on the board of education,

he gave you the concession for
a whole school district there.

Six hundred toilets.
Boy, talk about falling
into a royal flush.

Nobody made me but me!

You tell him, Amelia.
Tell him who built
that business up.

Papa, Freddy,
my Uncle Charlie.

- Will you stop it?
- Oh, listen to that!

Your own wife knows you
for the phony you are. Well,
you ain't getting this check.

This check belongs to us.
No, it don't, Archie.

What are you talking about?
Mrs. Jefferson gave you
this check,

and it says right on the check,

"pay to the order
of Amelia dekuyper."

Amelia dekuyp--
what's her name
doing on this check?

Well, she's the owner
of the mink.

You said yourself, Archie.
As soon as it was cleaned
it had to go back to Amelia...

'Cause you didn't
want no charity
coming into this house.

Edith.
Thank you.
Come along, Amelia.

You see what you done here?

Russ, you ain't
leaving this house...

Till I finish saying to you
what I wanna say to you.

What do you wanna say to me?

I'll split that with you.

Come on, Amelia.
Russ, Russ, don't you walk
out of here with that check.

Russ, if you leave this
house with that there
check there, Russ,

it ain't gonna do
our friendship no good.

[ Car starts, pulls away ]

Once again,
your side of the family.

Come on, daddy,
stop sulking about Russ.

Boy, no wonder they say that
money's the root of all evil.

Yeah, that's right, arch.

Russ only did unto you what
you were trying to do to him.

And remember,
the Bible also says...

It is more blessed
to give than to receive.

I got one for you.

Silence is golden.

So stifle thyself, will you.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.