That Darn Cat (1997)

[bunniefuu]

Oh, no.

Some of our investments are plummeting.

Why can't your plastic surgeon give the stock market a lift?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

Dear Lord, no, no, no, no, no.
That's--

Oh, my God!

- What?
- I think I found another line, is what!

I can't believe this.
This is horrible!

I'll tell you what's horrible.
Even pork bellies are sagging.

Oh! Nope, nope, nope.

It's just a little eyelash on the mirror!.

Never mind.

Never mind, never mind.

Lizzy, bring me two aspirin and some warm milk.

Anything you say, Mr Flint.

- You want somethin'?
- I want...

four dozen Ding Dongs and a giant h* h*.

Bring Mrs Flint two carrot sticks and a mushroom.

What would they do without me?

Is that her?

Wow. she's an ugly old broad isn't she?

You'd think with all her millions,
she could afford a plastic surgeon.

Rich people are nuts.

Let's be one of 'em.

Who is it?

I know karate.

Lizzy are you milking the cow?

My ulcer's doing a tango up here.

"Cheerful faces.
Smiling hellos.

"Neighbours who don't knock when they come over!.

"The kind of town that has a really nice feed store.

"Everyone says, 'Have a nice day' still.

"Hot dogs. Apple pies.

"Quiet, tree-lined streets named after rodents:

"Squirrel Lane; Chipmunk Square;

"Badger Bend.

"Apparently Snow White lived here at some point.

"This is my home, a world of bake sales,
hoedowns and barn raisings.

"Even our cable sucks.

What's a hoedown?

- Sounds like yard work.
- Seriously.

"It's as if this town has the power...

- "To suck the very brain right out of your head.
- Patti..

- And with some people, you wouldn't even notice."
- Patti!

The assignment was to give a report on town pride.

There must be something here you like.

"I like my cat.
The end."

Hey, DC.

Come to walk me home? Huh?

Patti, honey.

DC, I told you to leave the mother at home.

- I see you
- Don't look at her!

Maybe if we ignore her, she'll go away.

I know it's not cool to let your mommy pick you up
but the town council meeting let out early and oh, Christmas.

Honey, why do you always wear black?

Because it matches my soul.

Well, it doesn't do much for your eye colour!

- So how was your day?
- Mind-numbing as usual.

Mom, can we please move to Boston?

Now, sweetie, I think that you just don't take advantage
of all the wonderful things that this town has to offer you.

- Like what?
- Well, I don't know.

But when I was in high school, we kids just had so much fun.

I was in glee club and spirit association.

Why don’t you go out for cheerleading?

Oh, my goodness, look.
Fish sticks for dinner!

DC!

That cat is a delinquent!

Uh, just lemme get these lug nuts off.

Ever wonder where the expression "big lug" came from?

How long will it take, Dusty?

Oh, about or minutes, Mrs Randall.

- Is that all?
- Twenty minutes?

My grandmother could do it faster than that.
She's got replacement hips. I'll do it in ten

Oh, yeah? Well, I'll do it in nine.

Eight and a ten-percent discount!

Twelve and a free battery charge!

Seven?
Fifteen percent off, free oil changes for a year and free gum! !

- Now top that, doofus!
- Doofus, huh?

- Ooh.
- I'll doofus you, buddy boy.

So you heard nothing?

Oh, my wife keeps a tape of jungle
noises going in the bedroom at night.

It's like a Tarzan movie in there.

Lizzy polished the pygmies' pot so beautifully.

I'm so upset, I'd-I'd cry.
But my tear ducts haven’t worked since my last eye job.

We'll try to find Lizzy as soon as we can, Mrs Flint.

Oh, it's so important. You really have to f--

Do you know what it is that baffles me?
I-I-I--

How could anyone mistake Lizzy for me?

You know, I mean, we're both thin and hopefully pretty.

But I spent a quarter of a million dollars to look like this.

Excuse me.

Captain? Captain!

I been collectin' hair and lint samples from the Flint's bedroom.

Uh-huh.

- Uh, Kelso, you know that the... the kidnapping happened...
downstairs in the kitchen, right? - Yes, I know this.

And the Flints were in the bedroom
at the time of the crime.

- Now you're with me here?
- Uh-huh, percent.

Okay, don’t you think that the really good clues...

would come from, oh, say, the place
where the crime was committed?

Unless, of course, the crime
did not happen in the alleged kitchen.

The kitchen is there.

It's not alleged.
It exists. We have proof.

Captain, these people are liars.

Now, how do we know that?

S-See that lady over there?

She told me she was .
I'm tellin' you, cover-up.

Okay, Zeke.

Here’s what I want you to do.

Walk into the kitchen...

grab some coffee and bring it to me.

Good. Then what?

Then get some cream.

Y-You're not serious, are you, s...

I like my cream.

I'm watchin' you.

Oh, thank you.

- Yoo-hoo, Mrs Randall!
- Hello there!

Hi, Patti!

The Candy Cane, where young Edgefelders
go to get a sugar buzz and then go day-tripping.

Oh, Patti,you are so dramatic.

- Streets look clear!
- Mm-hmm.

Quiet day.

Yeah. Quiet can be misleading, Melvin.

- Quiet does not necessarily mean safe.
- Yep.

Yeah.

There!

You see what I mean?
That's a right there.

Girl in street chasing cat.

Drive, Melvin.
Drive like you've never driven before. Drive!

- Don't hit the girl. Don't hit the girl or the cat.
- Honey!

Oh, honey!
Lord in heaven, you could've been injured!

- Are you hurt? Are you bleeding?
- No.

How's DC?

Well, he's got fleas.
But I think he had those before you got here.

Well, you ladies have a good day now.

We will, thank you.
Goodbye, boys. Patti!

- Bye.
- Those are such nice boys.

Sure wish we could do somethin' about those fleas.

We're just men, Melvin.

Not gods.

- Let's go.
- Ow.

Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!

Mom, eyes forward, head straight.
Don't look up.

- Patti, where are your manners?
- Who's down there?

Hello, Mrs McCracken.

- Hi.
- Now I'll never get out of here.

- Who's that with ya?
- That's Patti.

Patti? Who's Patti?

I'm her daughter!

Um, you've only known me years.

It'd help if ya dressed in colour!

DC, it's not time for dinner!
Get over here.

What's that, Tweety?

Ah! Tweety says hello!

Look, Mom, the bird talks.

Oh, Patti, sometimes I wonder who snuck in
in the middle of the night and raised you.

Mrs McCracken, could we get you anything at the butcher's?

I could use half a pound of ground chuck.

All right. Bye-bye.

Thank you very much!

Why is it so painfully hard for you to be nice?

I think you wound up with all the "nice" in the family, Mom.

I swear, Patti,you can be such a pain in the...

- Say it.
- No.

- Oh, come on, Mom. Say it.
- You will not make me swear!

You will not make me swear!

Yeah, I know.
She's a hard one to crack.

Yoo-hoo, Lu!

Hello, Mrs Randall, Patti.

Hey, now,you've done something new with your hair!

- Oh, it's a bun.
- Turn around.

Oh, I think that is nifty.

- Very becoming.
- Thanks.

Well, I need half a pound of
ground chuck and a watermelon rose.

- Okay, Mrs Randall.
- Did you do this?

Yes.

Lu, that’s wonderful. You’re very talented.

Thanks.
Yeah, I once built a castle out of Spam.

- No.
- Yeah. Had a spiral staircase up to the turret.

Really? Oh, wow.

Hey, you know, if you are free on Saturday...

you really should come to our annual cat show.

There'll be a lot of eligible men there.

Oh, I don't know.
Saturday's my big TV night.

Well, try, okay?
Because it is gonna be fun.

Our head judge this year has the cat food
with the dancing cats on the label.

You know-- Chow, chow, chow.

I am not exaggerating.
It is gonna be an extravaganza.

Ooh, an extravaganza in Edgefeld.

Patti, shush.
Teenagers.

Just put that on my tab, okay?
Thanks, Lu.

Oh, DC!

I don't know what to do with her, Peter!

She refuses to even try to get along with people.

Well, I say we sell her,
get enough to cover that orthodontia.

- I am serious, you.
- Ow.

Honey, there are two very important things
lacking in your personality:

- tolerance and empathy.
- Hmm.

- Now, you showed an awful lot of disrespect for Lu today.
- I was just agreeing with her!

She is a sweet gal and she takes her work very seriously.

Mom, she moulds meat.

You push me, young lady.

And you enjoy it.
Admit it. You enjoy it.

- Oh, no. I derive no joy from it.
- Um, ladies--

Despite the maid's net worth of $ ,
the kidnappers are demanding one million in ransom.

Boston police have brought in the FBI...

- So far there've been no leads But Boston police--
- Boston?

It's always Boston.
Why can't anything like that ever happen here?

This is of course the same Chief Fitzwilliams who expressed optimism
for the quick apprehension of the perpetrators...

of most of Boston's crimes in the past year.

There he goes, just like clockwork.

Why do you think he leaves here every night at . ?

- Because he can.
- Fitzwilliams swears it will be different.

And we at Channel support him.

This will teach ya to steal my customers.

Doofus!

Quiet night.

- Whoa! Did you see that?
- Don't get involved.Just drive!

That guy needs new tires.

What you want?

Baby I got it.

What you need...
Do you know I got it.

All...

Yes.

Come here, kitty. Come here.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Come to Mama. Come on.

Come on!
Good boy.

Run along.

Oop, . .
Better get down to the bookstore.

- A new Danielle Steel coming in today.
- Whoo.

- I wonder if it'll be a romance.
- Hmm.

I'd read it myself, but the TV movie's always better!

- Bye-bye, honey.
- Bye.

Honey, would you pass me the front page, please?

Thank you.

Hey, DC, what ya got there?
What is this?

- How weird.
- Hmm?

Mom, read this.

You will not make me swear, young lady.

I was not trying to make you swear, Mom.
DC was wearing this.

That's ridiculous.
Why would anybody give a watch to a cat?

This looks like the same Timex.

- Honey, would you pass me the margarine, please?
- Oh, my God.

- I know who gave DC the watch.
- Who?

Her.

Hillary Clinton?

No, Mom.
Below the fold.

See? That's the maid that got snagged.

I'm telling you, it's the same watch.

Yes, but honey, it's a Timex.

Thousands of people wear that watch.

DC, do you know this person?

See?

DC, do you know this person?

That's totally not fair!

Drink up your juice.
It's good for your skin.

As you can see, we've isolated a partial fingerprint.

But it's not enough to identify the kidnappers.

- Oh.
- Now, sir, before we proceed...

we need to be clear on one thing:
are you prepared to pay the ransom?

Um, look, I-I have to be blunt right here.

You see, I-I love Lizzy like a member of my family.

But there is a problem.
Now s-some-- Uh, I--

I'm fat broke.

You’re what?

I'm sorry, sweet cakes.
We're broke.

What?

We're broke. It was the stinkin' ' s.

The stock market was calling to me. I...

I made time like a drunken sailor on leave.

I jumped in bed with every leveraged buyout, junk bond,
rumor corporate takeover... right now I'm $ million in debt.

Seven...

I wouldn't be able to raise bucks
even if they had kidnapped my wife.

So much for Plan A.

The only thing I don't understand is why her watch says "hell."

Oh, Patti, please.
I can't take any more of this.

Okay, so I'm kidnapped.

I'm trying to get a message to the outside world.

And I write...

Help. Duh, I write help.

God I'm really good

Those Charlie's Angels reruns are really starting to pay off.

Oh, Patricia, please.

What?

You're trying to tell me that your cat
walked miles to Boston...

bumped into the kidnappers, got the watch
and came all the way home on the same night?

- Isn't he amazing?
- And you are basing this entire theory...

on the fact that a part-time alley cat came home
with a watch that says "hell" on the back.

What did you say?

Nothing.

You said, "hell." I heard you.

- I did not. I did not.
- You did too. Oh, Mom, I'm so proud of you.

Listen, you just forget about that watch, okay?

It is your job to be a student.

Let's let the policemen solve the crime, okay?

My cat saw something, okay?

Hey, I've got proof!

Look, the kidnapping took place in Boston.
This is Edgefeld.

So obviously their hideout is here.

That's absurd.
Why would the kidnappers do that?

Because they know the local police are idiots!

- Teenagers. Come on.
- I know.

- Grandma, I feel sick.
- Ohh.

Can I have a Big Mac on the way home?

Sure, honey.

Is anyone here?

Why aren't you at school gettin' an education, Patti?

Because I'd rather be getting cavities.

Could I have a chocolate soda, please?
And DC here will have a dish of whipped cream.

Nice outfit.
Going to a funeral?

Yeah. My youthful enthusiasm just died.

Aww. Why so glum, chum?

Oh, I'm sick of being ignored.

Now, actually, it can be a blessing not to be noticed, honey.

Not when you want to be noticed.

And I'm tired of living in a town that gets excited
when a new stoplight is installed.

There's a new stoplight?

A couple of years, you can leave old Edgefeld.

Yeah. I live for that day.

But unfortunately I'm stuck here for the foreseeable future.

- Just like us.
- You guys feel stuck too?

- Mm-hmm.
- We'll be okay.

Yeah. So will I.

Excuse me, sir.
I'm sorry to interrupt but...

I've got a little girl outside who claims
that her cat witnessed the kidnapping.

I'd love to talk to her, but a couple of
dogs have already come forward on that one.

Yes, sir! Um...

she would, uh, like to file a report...

- So?
- I-I'm up to my neck. Please.

- You?
- Please, I've got--

All right. Dismissed.

Thank you.

- I'm Patti Randall.
- Hello, Miss Randall.

How are you? Nice to meet you.
Please, uh, have a seat.

- You can call me Zeke.
- That's some picture you got there.

Oh, yeah, that's my father!
He was an FBI agent under J Edgar Hoover!

He looks really serious.

He never laughed one time in his entire life.

Unless, of course, it was an order!

He must've been, um, a real fun guy.

They used to call him the -Hour Man because, uh...

there wasn’t a case that he
couldn't solve in less than hours.

That's amazing.
How long does it take you?

So, Miss Randall, I understand
that you witnessed the Flint kidnapping?

Oh, well, uh, I didn't witness it, actually.

Um, DC sort of stumbled onto it.

- Where's DC?
- At home, uh, sleeping.

Well, how come he didn't come with you?

Well, I wasn't sure if you allowed pets in the building.

He's a cat.
It's-It's-- He's my cat.

As in--As in Morris the--

Yeah.

- DC's actually a big fan.
- This is real funny.

Ha, ha, ha!
Joke's on me, boys! Ha, ha!

Send Zeke the kid with the cat!

I bust my butt to be taken seriously in this place.
This is how you treat me?

And in front of my father, no less!

Agent Kelso, my cat did see something, okay?

I'd appreciate it if you'd try to take this seriously.

You know,you-you send me a-a-a-a witness...

that doesn't have four legs and use a sandbox,
and I'll go to work.

Look, this is what I got off my cat, okay?

Look it, see, it says, "help" on the back.
I think it's from her!

Okay.

I-I-I know this looks a little odd, you know--

Odd? It sounds like you’re short of a dozen, Kelso.

- It's not even a hunch.
- It's more than a hunch.

Look, I--

I checked this, uh-- this sales record
for this Model Timex.

Now, this was a promotional line...

meaning there were only a couple sold in the Boston area.

I checked with the Flints.
They bought one for their maid for Christmas.

I mean, it's a genuine gut instinct!

Well, far be it from me to interfere with a gut instinct.

Zeke...

go tail the cat.

Good one. Good one, sir!
Good one.

Oh, oh, I'm gonna need a team for this one.
Mm-hmm.

A team?

Please?

- Pretty please?
- Okay.

Take four men, one evening.

But you better come back with more than a whisker!

Another good one, sir! Thank you, sir!
I could-- I could kiss you, sir!

You could.

But I wouldn't recommend it.

Kiss me.

Cats.

Hey.

Hey!

Now, this is going too far!

- So every night at , the cat goes out.
- Yep.

- Hmm. Well, then, I'll be over at . .
- Pretty nifty wheels.

Not every day you see a car with
shag carpeting and a bobbing dog head.

Thanks. I did it myself.

Never would have guessed.

- Two chocolate sodas.
- Thank you.

Don't drink'em too fast.
Your head'll freeze.

Uh, here we go, Pa.
The afternoon rush.

- Patti! What are you up to?
- Nothing. I'm not up to anything.

- I just came to see you.
- Okay, thank you.

I did. Can't I miss my mom and dad?

- Mom, come on.
- Patti, what’s wrong?

Nothing.

She just came to say hi.

Actually, I came to surprise you guys.

Two tickets to C-- Cats.

Oh, honey, look.

The Community College Road Company
at the Oaken Bucket Dinner Theater!

Oh!

Well, I know I've been kind of a pain lately,

- so I wanted to make it up to you.
- Ohh!

So this is for tonight.
There's dinner with the show.

All the prime rib you can eat, so go.

- Ohh!
- Thank you, honey!

Ah, what a little gal.

She is gonna be okay.

First thing I have to do is photograph the witness.

- Hey!
- Oh, be careful. He scratches.

- Are you sick?
- No, I'm allergic.

Could you just put him on the table, please?

Okay, but usually we yell at him
when he gets on the table.

Hey, what's that?

A clue. It's a twig, but it's a clue.

It's red, and it's sticky.

- Maybe blood.
- Blood.

I need to bag this, label this and catalogue this.
Do you have a bag and a label?

I have Saran Wrap and masking tape.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

- Who's that?
- It's my team.

- You have a team?
- Of course I have a team.

Every agent has a team.

- What's the point?
- I’d just be happy to get home early tonight.

Gentlemen!

Tonight you’ll be tailing informant X.

And I hope that leads us to the kidnappers.

Now it's important that informant X
not be aware of your presence.

He’s very--very skittish.
Here are his stats.

Eyes: light brown.

Hair: grey.

- Weight: ten pounds.
- Ten pounds?

- He's a cat.
- Aw, come on, man. What's the joke?

- What?
- He's a cat?

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!

I will coordinate all activities here at command central.
That's the cat's home.

Cat-quarters?

- Come on, y'all, this is serious.
- Zeke.

It's a cat.

Come on, come on!
This is serious!

This is Kelso.
Does everybody read?

- Blue team in position.
- Tabby patrol in position.

Red team in position.

Sorry, man.
Just coughed up a hairball.

They're good men, my team.
Excellent senses of humour!

I-It helps to ease the tension.

How'd it get so cold all of a sudden?

Stand by! Informant X is leaving the house!

Weird.

What's the deal?

Why isn't he moving?
He's supposed to be moving.

Okay. Go!

Hit the road.

He's off.

He's movin'. He's movin'.
It's o'clock.

You're not a cat person, are you?

Oh.

Okay, men.
Here he comes.

He's on the move Here he comes.
Yeah. He just turned right.

I don't see anything.

No, wait. I got him.

After you.

- You're taller. Go first.
- Uh, thanks a lot

- Yeah.
- Great.

- Come on. Let's get this done.
- Okay.

Come on. Give me your foot.
Here we go.

- Ready?
- Yeah, I got it.

I got it. I got it!

- You forgot this.
- Fine..

Perfect.

What the hell's out there?

Oh, n-n-no! No!

Oh, get him off me!

Get him off me, please!

P-P-Pete, it's Kelso!
What's goin' on out there?

- Swing him around and l'll sh**t him!
- The cat?

- Get him off me!
- No! Do not sh**t the cat.

Do not sh**t informant X.
I repeat, do not sh**t informant X!

We weren't gonna sh**t informant X.
It's a dog. It's a rabid bulldog

The bulldog's Smokey.
And he's not rabid.

He’s just senile.
You have to sing to him a little bit.

- He's a Motown fan.
- Do you know any Motown?

- Get him off me!
- Come on!

- He's got my butt! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
- Come on now! Ooh!

Big dog!

The cat just jumped from a roof onto a terrace.

Proceed with caution.

Yow! Ow! Ow!

Two down.

A quiet target is an easy target.


Using the siren was a good idea.

Okay. I got him now.

Okay, Dusty.
Let's see what you keep hidden in the trunk.

Holy smokes!

Weird town, man.

He's not talking about Edgefeld.

I believe he is, Miss Randall.
And these men have seen it all.

Darn cat!

Try driving that away, sucker!

Hee-hee-hee! Yes, siree!

Kelso, man, I cannot make this place out.

Looks like the coast is clear!

Okay, you cover me. I cover you.

Okay, go! Go! Go!

- What a pretty pink bow.
- Don't touch it!

- Is it ticking?
- I'll see.

No.

Hey, meat!

Meat? That's a threat.
Like a dead fish on the doorstep.

Mob... or worse.

- Vegetarians?
- Get inside.

Oh! Don't step on the meat. Oh!

I just saw some vixen deliver meat to a couple of guys.

Ex-Excuse me-- Excuse me.
We have a young girl in the room here.

No, Zeke I just saw some woman deliver
actual meat to a couple of guys.

- Cat's on the move.
- I'll secure the door!

Melvin, you man the window observation point.

Nobody there.

Pete Pete man! Talk to me man!
What's goin 'on out there?

Talk to me! Be careful.
The suspect could be dangerous!!

Are your pizzas extra yummy?

And how old are you?

Oh, . Are you a pizza face?

Just sounds like some sweet old lady.

Oh, don't be so testy. I'm just funnin'.

- Mr Pepperoni Cheeks.
- I'm gonna get a little closer!

Hello, hello?
I can hang up on you too.

Who does he think he is?

- Whoa!
- Help! Help!

Who's out there?

The cat got the drop on me.

It was sweet of Patti to give us those tickets, wasn't it?

What a nice little girl we have there.

- She is the best. Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Do you think she's happy, honey?

She's a teenager!
She's not supposed to be happy.

True.

- What are you doing?
- Huh?

- You don't smoke cigars.
- Well, I don't buy cigars.

If a guy in a cat suit gives me a free one, I'm gonna smoke it.

- Well, not in my car, you're not.
- Am I supposed to walk home?

Absolutely.

I will leave the light on for you.

See that you do.

- Really? Hmm.
- Mmm.

Kelso, this cat has been sitting here for an hour!

- Now what do you want me to do?
- DC? DC?

Hi. What're you doin' here?

DC, it's me. Honey!

- DC!
- Kelso, an unidentified man's abducting the cat!

Well, don't let him.
We need the cat!

DC!

Hold it.
Don't move.

All right, cat man.
Up against the car!

Aw, the cat's gettin' away.

Miller, detain the suspect.

Phil, Steve, stay with the cat.

- Where's he goin' now?
- I don't know where he's going. I'm not a compass.

Oh, there he is. There he is.
All right, go, go, go!

No, he's goin' in the trees.
I hate trees.

- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Where'd he go?
- I don't know. I'm all turned around.

There he is.
There he is.

Kelso, the cat has entered a house.

- I can see the shadows of two unidentifiable people
- What are we gonna do?

Awaiting orders, Zeke

Are you scared?

N-Not scared, Patti.
Just cautious.

In life, it's important to be prudent.

And besides, if these guys get k*lled,
I'm in big trouble.

- You're goin' in!
- One.

- Two.
- Three!!

Don't-Don't-Don't move!
Uh-oh.

You know, we have a doorbell.

Now, all we want to know...

is what you wanted with the cat!

I told you, he's my cat.

But if he means that much to you, you can have him.

You're in serious trouble, mister!

This is an official FBI investigation.

I just wanna know your name!

Don't lie to me!

'Cause I can tell when a man's lying.
I can see right through him.

Randall.
I'm Peter Randall.

Peter Randall.

You wouldn't happen to be related to a Patti Randall, would you?

Hey, Mata Hari.

- What's up with you? You on stake-out?
- How did you find out?

Well, when they arrested me for picking
up my own cat, that was a red flag.

I'm really sorry.
I meant to tell you too.

It's just that no one would listen to me about the watch.

Yeah. Uh, let me get this straight.

You mean to tell me that a kid like you
got a whole squad of FBI men...

down here to Edgefeld to follow your cat around all night?

I'm impressed.

You think mom would feel that way?

- Not a chance.
- So you’re not gonna tell her?

Mmm, well, I guess it's all right if
a father and daughter have one secret.

- Merci.
- Yeah, I'm the best.

Just don't spread it around.
I got a reputation to maintain.

Now you go to sleep.

And, Patti...

try and make a human friend, for your mother!

Hey.

Uh--

- Where have you been?
- Uh--

Go back to sleep.
This is a dream.

Peter, it is . !

Re-- I got . , honey.

I have been out of my mind with worry.
What happened to you?

Well, you know--

Well...

it was a very long cigar!

- And?
- And...

I had a wonderful time with you last night.

- Excuse me?
- I had the prettiest date.

- I always do.
- Oh, I don't believe this.

This is the most inconsiderate thing you’ve ever done.

I guess we can talk about this in the morning then, huh?

Ooh.

If anybody needs me, uh, I'll be down here, okay?

- Boy,you sure had a big night, didn’t you, Kelso?
- Look, Captain, I-I know it looks bad...

Bad?
No, we passed "bad" an hour ago.

Right now we’re on major career bungle.

If it was up to me right now, I would take your g*n.

I would take your badge.

But you’d let me keep my parking permit.
That must mean you like me, right?

I guess I'm off the case, right?

You're off the case.

- Hey, Captain, let me just say one thing--
- You're almost out of the Bureau.

Would you like some coffee? Huh?

Oh, boy.
I need to solve this crime to keep my job.

- Randall.
- Hey, Kelso.

- I'm just doing a little research on some people.
- And what'd you find?

Absolutely nothing.
What are you doing here?

The thing is, I think that, though slightly obnoxious,
you actually are onto something.

Oh, really?

Because I think you, although painfully inept,
are my only shot at finding this woman.

- Thanks.
- So, partners?

No. FBI agent and kid.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going out to the tool shed to get a screwdriver!

Oh, honey, please don't cry.
It's just a screwdriver!

Oh, it's not the screwdriver, Peter, and you know it.

In wonderful years of marriage
you have never kept anything from me.

You told me about that Aunt Jemima thing.

It was Halloween.
I was years old--

You told me how they called you Tubby in school.

Just until sixth grade.
I wish you hadn't brought that up.

Peter, you are keeping something from me.

You know, that Tubby stuff is still kinda painful after all these years.

Forget it.

This is supposed to be blood?

That's how it was labelled.

You'd better get Boetticher!

Why do these street lights keep on flickering?

Thanks for including me in the investigation.

Hey, this is not an investigation.

This is me and you walkin' around
so you can show me your town, okay?

- I've gotta get him. He's gonna get hurt.
- Stay back. I'll handle this.

- Hurry up.
- Don’t worry.

Baby love...
My baby love...

Wow. You can really belt it out.

Thank you. Thursday night's my karaoke night.

- Departing at ten?
- Yeah.

I'd like to charter a plane to Argentina.

No luggage, one way.

- And I'd like extra nuts.
- Who is that?

- That's old lady McCracken. But I thought she was a shut-in.
- I insist on it..

First class.
Spare no expense.

I'm loaded.

I'm too sexy for my shirt...

- Uh, Patti, about the butcher--
- Yes?

Yes, I got the order!

Well, I was afraid it might go bad.

Well, it better be delivered by tomorrow, or else it's dead meat.

Tomorrow?
Tomorrow's the day the ransom's due.

Oh, she's definitely in on it.

It must be some kind of, like, kidnappers' code.

Kidnappers' code?

- Oh!
- Too sexy for your body...

Oh, not again!

So Lu is a spy for McCracken...

who's, like, the brains behind the whole thing.

So Melvin and Marvin are, like, muscle guys?

- So why’s she hidin' in the alley?
- Hey! Lamb chops!

Whoever's stalking us is probably watching us right now!

- Does my hair look okay?
- Hey, it looks like he's signalling somebody. - No...

No! What in the name of all that is good
still left in the world are you doing?

I was thanking whoever left the meat.

- Than--
- Melvin!

You're a burger and a fries short of a Happy Meal.

W-W-Wait! Hey, hey! Oh!

- Act Natural. - A full Happy Meal.
- Don't look suspicious.

Lamb chops down the drain.

All right, so I've got it.

Lu, Melvin, Marvin and McCracken are all in on it.

And when Lu drops off the meat, they transport the maid
to a hiding place that McCracken picks.

This'll stick in your tank, Dusty.

Okay, Dusty, you wanna play hardball?

All right.
This'll teach you to rip me off.

Take that! And this!

- This!
- Uh-oh!

Stay back!

You okay?

Why do people always ask somebody who's just had their head
slammed into something hard if they're okay?

You might wanna check that out for evidence you know?

It's right by the donut shop there at Ballard.
Can you bring me back a sprinkles?

Oh, I wonder how that happened!

Well, it's obviously a conspiracy.

I mean, they're hiding in ski masks,
making plans to skip off to Argentina.

I can't believe this whole town is full of criminals.

- Patti, would you stop jumpin' to conclusions?
- What? These people are nuts.

Car . Car . We have a report
of two unidentified suspects--

one male, one female-- trespassing
Could be prowlers. Over.

Ugh, what a mess.
He's all covered in stickers and twigs.

Stickers and twigs?

This is where DC got the bloody twig.

Lizzy was dragged through these leaves.

Officers, no need for alarm.

- Freeze!
- I'm a federal agent.

- Hold it!
- I'm-I'm gonna get my ID.

Forget about the ID.

If you're an FBI agent, I'm Oprah Winfrey.

Oh, I love your show!
- Get in the car!

- In the back, in the car!
- This is ridiculous. They can't do anything to us anyway.

All right, put your hands on top of the car!
Spread your legs.

Well, now. What do we have here?

Hmm?

Cat got your tongue?

Good one. Hmm.

Did I take you off this case?
Was that me?

Um, sir, I think you might find this interesting.

Um, we found the source of-of the bloody twig.

- The bloody twig?
- Mm-hmm.

- The bloody twig?
- Oh.

The bloody twig is a stem from a maraschino cherry!

Oh. Never mind.

- Kelso...
- Mm-hmm?

Out of respect to your father...

I've tried to keep an open mind,
but I can't do it any more.

You're an incompetent agent and
an embarrassment to the department.

Oh, Patti!

Oops, uh, my turn.

You see? I was not lying to you.

There's no deep, dark secrets here.
I was just trying to be a good father!

Believe me, it's the last time.

This is how you help her?
By letting her run around until she ends up in prison?

I... don't know how to answer that.

I'm Captain Boetticher!
Mrs Randall, Mr Randall, on behalf of the Bureau...

I just want to apologize for getting your girl involved in all of this.

Well, I do have to say, I find it surprising that you would
listen to a -year-old in the first place.

Well, ma'am, the watch with "help" on it was
a very convincing piece of evidence.,

It didn't say "help." It said "hell."

- It said "help."
- No, it said "hell."

No, I believe it said "help."

No, it definitely said "H-E-L-L."

Wow, Mom. You swore.

I'm sorry.

The Edgefeld investigation...
is closed.

You can't go to the movies.
You can’t watch TV

You can't eat dessert.
You can't go out with your little friends.

She doesn't do those things anyway..

You have put me in a terrible position in this town, Patti.

You have been hurling accusations.
You have gotten innocent people arrested.

- I'm sorry.
- Sorry is just not good enough, Patti.

Now, I don't know what kind of a person you are choosing to be,
but it is not one that I am very proud of right now.

While we are at the cat show,
I would like you to think...

about all the people that you have hurt
by your jumping to conclusions, all right?

- Peter!
- You go--

It's all your fault.

I don't belong here anyway.

One ticket to New York, please.

- One-way or round-trip?
- One-way.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Hey! What are you doing here?

- Waitin' for a train.
- Oh.

So where you goin'?

I don't know.
Anywhere that's not here.

This is kind of sudden, isn't it??

I mean, you're not in any kind of trouble, are you?

No. What are you talking about?

Nothing.
What's in the bag?

Clothing, books, pictures, a veal roast--
pieces of my nothing life.

Lu, I sense depression.

Oh, I just gotta get outta here.

I'm tired of being in love with someone who doesn't love me.

You're in love?
With who?

- Melvin Yazbo.
- Melvin?

Yes.
I've secretly been in love with him for years...

watching him patrol, knowing he'd lay
down his life for someone in need.

I left meat on his doorstep.

Lamb chops, veal chops, pork chops.
He likes chops.

I was always told a way to a man's
heart was through his stomach...

that a nice steak spelled "love."

That's why you left the meat?

- I thought he'd figure it out.
- Oh.

I've been getting things really wrong.

I mean, maybe he-he did figure it out
and he’s just not interested.

No. No. I think you’re way off, Lu.

Melvin is totally getable.

- Not by me.
- Lu, he doesn't even know you.

You haven't even tried.

You can't go around staring at him
and leaving anonymous pieces of meat.

But they're the best cuts.
No visible fat.

Lu, you have to make an effort.
There's a right way and a wrong way to get to know people.

Maybe if I were more like you.

- Like me?
- Yeah.

You know, sharp, funny, outgoing.
You dress so cool.

I bet you’re really popular!

I wouldn't bet a lot.

But you're so young.
How do you know all of this?

I guess I just figured it out, like, two seconds ago.

Express train to Boston and New York...

now arriving from Bellows Falls and Worcester.

- The train's coming.
- Yeah.

Well, what do you say we cash in our tickets
and give this place another shot?

I'd say it sounds good.

I need a tune-up and an oil change.

I’ll just leave you my wallet.

It'll make it easier for you to rob me blind.

No problem.
The car will be ready in minutes.

- I'll do it in .
- You want a fat lip?

- Well, remember! He's shy, so be bold.
- Thanks.

- See ya later, Patti.
- Bye.

Why can’t you ever just t*rture mice or something?

Huh?

Hey.

What's this?

Huh? DC!

DC!

Melvin!

Lu?

Wow! Ow!
I think you bit my lip...

- Oh.
- I liked it...

I sent you the meat!

I should've known.

Best cuts. No visible fat.

- You noticed?
- How could I not.

- I-I need my inhaler!
- Oh, my goodness!.

Norman! W-W-Wait. Come with me...

- Norman, I think I'm engaged!
- Yeah!

I'm gonna strangle you, DC!

What are you doing?
DC!

Kidnapping is a--
is a double tragedy..

for Elaine and me first, because we love Lizzy...

- and uh, second because we're broke.
- Oh! - Oh!

Snack room. And I'm out of decaf.

So if you want some, you go down
the block and get it yourself, okay?

Zeke, it's Patti.
I know where she is. DC found her!

- Say goodbye, Patti.
- No, no, you don't understand I'm right outside

No, no, you don't understand.

You falsified evidence. You manufactured a witness.
You made me look stupid.

I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.
I'm cleanin' cups.

My coffee's done. I gotta go.

- Ow. That must've hurt.
- Oh, good. Am I glad to see you!

- Who are you?
- Oh, I'm the one who found your watch.

Oh, thank God somebody found it.

They almost caught me.
I didn't get to finish the "P."

Oh, don’t worry. I did it for you.

I'll have you outta here in a sec.

Oh, my God!
It’s you!

The celebrity judge should be here momentarily.

This is a disaster!
He was supposed to be here over minutes ago.

Well, honey, you know these Hollywood types--
fashionably late.

Maybe he left a message on the machine at home.

Hello. You've reached the Randall residence
If you're looking for Patti....

I've left town to go and depress
some other once-happy community

Don't worry, I'm not coming back

If you're looking for my parents, leave a message at the beep.

Regular or decaf?

Hello, Agent Kelso?
This is Mrs Randall, Patti's mother.

Is Patti with you?

We can't find her, and we're afraid that she may be missing.

Uh, no, Ms Randall, but wherever she is, I'm sure she's fine.

Oh, well...
uh, thank you very much. Goodbye.

What to do? What to do? What to do?

Well, if I go, then it's an automatic suspension...

possible termination, career as a coffee bean expert.

But, on the other hand, you know, the kid's in trouble, so--

You would go, wouldn't you?

Okay, okay, okay. Where to start?
Where to start? Where to start?

Butcher!

Love meat!

Butcher!
Butcher, butcher, butcher!

Okay. McCracken.
Security guard.

Okay. Patti said the butcher signals
the security guards where the maid is.

All right, when she's doing that...

what are the rest of them doing?

FBI.

Mrs McCracken! Please, put your
teeth back in before you lose 'em again.

How could I lose 'em?
I never go anywhere.

Open your mouth.
Come on. Open it.

No, this is wrong.

She's the ringleader for a conspiracy like--
like a butcher is a-- a messenger.

There's nothing here.

What am I gonna do?

Okay, okay. I need a--
I need a new strategy. No more manuals.

I gotta-- I gotta think like a cat.

A cat knows.
Yeah, I am a cat.

Thinkin' like a cat.
I'm slinkin' like a cat.

I'm slinking, thinking like a cat.
Slinking-- Slinking and thinking like a cat.

Moving like a cat. Movement.

I am movement. I am instinct. I am motion.

I-I am-- I am cracking up.

Slinking, slinking, slinking, slinking, slinking...

Okay. I like slinking.
It's more fun than walking.

Hey, fella, you need help?

Okay, okay. DC likes...
DC likes... meat.

DC likes to use my head as a launching pad.
Oh, great.

DC likes---

Garbage!

DC likes garbage!

Come on. Bring her back.

That's good. Take it.

Excuse me!

Excuse me, um, have you--

Ha-Have you seen a grey-and-white cat?

- Recently or in my lifetime?
- Recently.

No. Wanna hear about my lifetime?

Thank you very much for your help, sir!

Okay, let's go!

Take her away!

Cherry stems!

Oh!

Lookin' for clues.
Lookin' for clues. Lookin' for clues.

Cabbage! Hey! I'm on the trail.
I'm on the trail. I'm on the trail.

Sorry, Patti. You know what they say--
curiosity k*lled the cat.

- Hello?
- Have you got any rocky road?

- Yeah.
- You better pave it.

FBI! Hit the floor and drop the g*ns!

Drop the g*n!

You okay, Patti?

What? Nobody says "please" any more?

- Zeke! You smell really bad.
- Happy to see you too, Patti.

What happened?

- Got in a fight with a Dumpster and lost.
- Oh.

I'm watchin' you. I'm watchin' you.

Ah. Thanks.
And who are you?

Zeke Kelso, FBI, at your service, baby.

Oh, wait!
What about DC?

- The cat.
- Oh, my! Let's not forget him..

Okay, okay, DC. L-Let's go, let's go.

Hey, come on, man.
Don't even start with me. Okay?

- Grab the g*n, Ma, or we're goners.
- Okay.

Who's in charge now?

Why did you do this?

We partied away all our cash in Monte Carlo.

Yeah. And the Riviera.

- Plus, we were bored out of our skulls.
- Oh, I can relate, but still--

Hey, hey! Don't sass your elders.
Let's do it, Pa.

- You're coming with me.
- Oh, here we go again. - I got her!

- Shut her up, Ma. So long, suckers.
- You know, two can travel faster than three.

Okay!

- Where's the car?
- It's at Dusty's getting a lube job.

- Kick it in.
- I'd rather go through the window.

Keep the getaway car nearby, Pa?

How should I know? It's my first kidnapping.

Excuse me, kidnapper?
I need to use the bathroom.

- You should've thought of that before we went on the lam.
- Hey!

Aha! Gotcha!

I knew it!
You've been messin' with my cars!

- No, I wasn't. I was--
- How do you like this?

Just like Monaco in ' .

Except I don't have my own teeth.

I said-- I said, get in the car!

- I'm not getting in there!
- Get in the--

- Let's take the truck!
- Great!

They have a TransAm, we have a beaten-up truck.

Patti. It's not the size of the dog in the fight.

It's the size of the fight in the dog.

- g*n it, Pa!
- You got it, Ma!

Ma and Pa's Geritol must've just kicked in.

Yeah!

- Okay, we need to cut 'em off. Get in front of them.
- Then they'll be chasing us!

This will teach you to mess with me, buddy boy.

- Someone's messed with the car! She won’t turn right.
- Then turn it left.

Oh, my God, did you see that?
That was, like, a twice. In fact, a .

I hope you’re happy.
I don't need a bathroom any more.

Into the skid. Into the skid.
Into the skid. Into the skid.

It's the moment we’ve been waiting for...

We're cheek to cheek on the ballroom floor...

Zeke, that smell is getting worse.

- Tell me something I don't know.
- Try this.

- All the kids are doing it.
- All the kids are wearing air fresheners now?

- Oh, yeah. It's real cool.
- Cool.

We're gaining on 'em.

You know, he had the right of way.

Who gave him a g*n?

- They're gaining on us, Ma.
- Oh!

- It's a dead end.
- Watch the road.

It's not him!

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

- Eh, you swing like a girl.
- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.
- Okay, that's it!.

I'm sick and tired of you pushin' me, mister!

- I've got something for you.
- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.
- Well, I've got something for you.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!

- And don't drip on my sidewalk.
- I'll drip where I want.

I noticed you didn't use your turn signal.

Oh, great. Smokey's out.

- Everybody better practise their Motown.
- Hang on, DC!

Don’t worry! The FBI'll fix that!

Go faster!
Stop hitting things!

- Here.
- Aw, you're so sweet.

We'll always have Paris.

He's smashin' way more stuff than me.

Stay down! Stay down!

What a place to put a window.

- Marvin, we're under attack!
- What’s your longitude and latitude?

The butcher shop.
We're at the butcher shop.

What is it with these criminals and meat?

Look, there! It says "no left turn."
Can’t you read?

- Oh, shush.
- And your hands are supposed to be at . and . .

At this point, I'd take a hundred bucks for her!

This is my favourite jumpsuit.

Hey, come on.
Not in the face.

- Eat paint!
- Eat fuchsia, baldy!

- I'll see you on the street.
- This town has gone totally insane.

Sorry I'm late, folks.
The kitties needed new head shots.

Look at the size of that cat.

Oh-Whoa!

I hate to bring this up, but Pa's headed straight for--

The gazebo!

Sorry, ladies!
I like rock and roll!

And so are we!

Man, has Pa gone post office or what?

She still won't turn right.
We gotta go around again.

- What are you doing?
- I brake for animals!

Zeke! Stop!

DC!

That darn cat.

What's happenin' out there?

You and I, finally found love, and it could all be over!

- What a kick in the butt.
- Oh.

I've come to rescue you!

I knew you would.

- I had to. You're my brother!
- Come here, little bro. - Ow...

- Thanks, Marv! Oh, you know Lu?
- Hello, Marvin

Yeah.

Lu and you?

You know, Marv...

Sometimes happiness is right
in your own backyard or butcher shop.

Oh, man.
I threw away all those chops.

Let's get the heck out of this town.

One, two, three, four, five.

- Oh, no!
- Somebody call the fire department!

- Holy mackerel!
- Oh, no!

Just a sleepy little town.
I don't see how you stand it.

Low bridge!

Oh!

- Gimme your air freshener!
- No! - Come on.

Now I know what a sardine feels like.

Things are gettin' hot around here.

I think there’s something wrong with the engine.

I was right.

What do you know?
Lu and Marvin finally got it together!

Watch the road, Pa!

Melvin, Melvin! They've knocked out the lights.
Get my flashlight.

One more push, and this will sign them off!

Don't move!
Okay, okay.

It's gonna be all right.

Freeze!

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again--

- I finally left my apartment.
- If you need help, hangup and then dial your operat--

- Guess everything turned out all right, didn't it?
- Yeah, it was real good.

Patti! Oh!

- Miss me?
- H-E-L-L, yes.

- Mmm, I want some ice cream.
- Is a maid worth all this?

- Mr Randall?
- Oh, Officer Kelso. Hi.

- You know--
- Mrs Randall.

- There she is.
- Lizzy!

- Lizzy! Oh, Lizzy!
- Hi.

I-I hope you’re not expecting to be paid for this week.

Oh, we missed you so much, so much.
Have a h* h*.

Where's my Ding Dongs?

Two butcher shop windows, a gazebo, a security office
and a flower stand. All totaled?

Not to mention, two blown-up gas stations?

So you just had to do things your own way, huh?

Always alert and thorough, sir!

Not exactly hours, but the victim is safe and sound.

And I think your father would be proud of you.

- W-What's that on your shirt?
- It's lettuce. - Oh.

This is so cool, Patti.

- Pretty scary picture, huh?
- Oh, I think it's good.

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.
- DC looks good.

Hey, listen, Patti.
I'm having a party at my house tonight..

- Do you wanna come? - Yeah, sure.
- Okay. - Sounds like fun.

Hey, FBI girl!

- Who's that?
- My friend from the Bureau..

- Whoa, a fed.
- Well, I'll see you later tonight.

- Bye. - Bye.
- She's hanging out with the FBI?

- Man, I'm happy if I see a fire truck.
- No kidding.

Hey, G-man.

W-Wait a minute.
Did I see you talkin' to the locals?

I-I mean, you're gonna lose your "queen of the freaks" title.

Yeah, well, being queen is kind of overrated.

So, how-how's it feel to be popular?

- Well, I'm not complaining.
- Oh.

How's it feel to be your own man?

Well, at least none of my assignments include cream and sugar!

How come your name's first?

Well, we've been over this time and time again.
You see, it's alphabetical.

Oh, right, right.

So, uh, where's the fleabag?

He-He-He’s working on another case?

No, his crime-fighting days are over!

He's got other things on his mind now.

Aw!