07x19 - Barney Comes to Mayberry

[bunniefuu]

Raleigh police.

No, captain dewhurst
won't be in until : .

All right. Goodbye.

Oh, hi, miss Clark.

Oh, hi, sheriff.
He's over there.

Oh, excuse me.

Ange! I thought you'd be
heading for the bus by now.

Well, I was almost on it

and I had a thought.

You got two weeks
coming off, right?

Yeah, yeah, a bonus
from the chief,

for nabbing that
supermarket g*ng last week.

Every time I pick up
a newspaper,

Barney Fife.

Well, I take it
in stride, you know.

When you're
a big-city cop,

you just look at things
from day to day.

Eat, drink, and be merry,

because, tomorrow, it's
for who the bell tolls.

That's right.
That's right.

Now, that's
what I came back for.

During your
two weeks off,

why don't you come down
to Mayberry?

Hey, you know,
that's a thought.

Yeah, instead of running
all over the country.

All right, I'll do it,
on one condition.

You've got it.

All right, I don't want
any fuss made over me.

I just want
to slip into town,

have a few laughs,
slip out again,

no publicity... okay.

Deal?

Deal.

That'll be great...
Maybe I can be

just plain Barney Fife
for a few days.

Well, I'd better go
and catch that bus.

Now, let me know
when you're coming.

All right, I will.
Bye.

Goodbye.

Either of you girls
like a bite of lunch?

No, thank you.
No, thank you.

Well.

Andy! What's taking you
so long?

You'll be late.

There's plenty of time.

Barney's train isn't due in
for another minutes.

There hasn't been
this much excitement

in Mayberry since
I can remember.

I still can't
believe it.

The world premiere
of a motion picture

right here in Mayberry.

Yeah, it's a great time
for Barney to come.

Excitement and everything.

Teena Andrews's coming.

Whoever would
have believed

that that little
Irene phlogg

would grow up
to be teena Andrews

the motion picture star?

Yeah, well, that
happens, I guess.

You know, Barney's
on the same train with her.

Isn't that a coincidence?

Well, there's just
the one train a day.

Paw, you should've seen
the crowd down at the station.

I'd better get
down there, then.

You should've seen
the look on the kids' faces

when I told them you went
to school with teena Andrews.

You can tell them I not only
went to school with her,

but I used to help her
with her homework.

Wow!

Andy, you didn't!

I did.

You did?

Yeah!

Fix your hair
over there.

We don't want her to
think we're country.

Hi, goob!

Hey, Andy.
This is the biggest day of my life.

Whoever thought I'd live to
see teena Andrews in person.

It's a wonderful age
we live in, goob.

Hey, she's coming!

Andy, she's coming!

Andy, I feel weak.

Just take it easy, goob.

Take it easy?
This is teena Andrews.

What will I do if she says
hello or waves to me?

Try waving back.

Andy, you got
nerves of steel.

I told him not to do it.

Something wrong?

Oh, those crazy kids.

Is all that for you?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and in my line of work

you just don't expect
gratitude, you know.

What do you do,
Mr., uh...

Fife.

Detective Fife.

You probably read about me
in the newspaper.

Fife?

Fife?

No. Afraid not.

Oh, well, according
to the reporters

I practically stopped
a crime wave single-handed.

The papers are full of it.

Well, I guess
you're anxious

to meet the
reception committee.

Ah, well, no, no.

You go ahead because
I'd better be the last one off.

They'll probably want me
to say a few words.

Okay, teena, Harriet,
looks like everybody's off.

Okay, Harold.

Ooh, let's go meet everybody.

Oh. After you.

No. You go ahead.

It's better you go first.

There are people
waiting for us.

No, I'd better get off last.
You'll see why in a minute.

All right.

Hi, Barn.

Right this way.

Well, as long
as it's done

I might as well go
and see everyone.

Hey, listen, Barn...

It's okay. I guess
they want me over there.

Folks! Folks!

Barney!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I can't tell you how much
this reception means to me.

Hey, Barney.

Hi, goober.

And I hope
that I'm worthy

of this outpouring
of affection.

It's times like this
that a man realizes

how much he means
to his friends.

Barney!

Barney!

And I'm very proud
that you came down here...

Barney, Barney...

The crowd's getting jumpy.

Barney, I'm trying
to tell you something.

Listen, that crowd came
down to see teena Andrews.

They're having
the world premiere

of her new motion picture
here in Mayberry.

Oh.

Boy, what a relief.

There for a minute
when I seen that crowd, I...

I really started
to get sore at you.

Could you tell?

Yeah. Yeah,
I could tell.

I really could.

'Cause you know
how I hate to have anybody

making a fuss over me.

Yeah, but aunt bee and Opie
want to see you.

Yeah, well,
I want to see them, too.

I really did start
to get sore at you.

Yeah, you were almost mad there.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like
to just sneak into town.

Well...

Well...

Come on.

Here you are, Barney.

Now, you just
help yourself.

Eat all of that.

I can't right now.

Barney, it's so nice
to have you with us.

I wish you could
visit more often.

Well, so do I.

He's pretty busy
up there.

Yeah.

Wasn't that a crowd
down at the sta...?

Yeah.

Well, everybody
was pretty excited

to see teena Andrews.

In fact, you ought to be
pretty excited your own self.

You used to date her.

Irene phlogg.

Irene phlogg?

You mean that skinny little girl

with the freckles
and the braces?

That's teena Andrews?!

That's teena Andrews,
the movie star.

Well, boy,
that was a long time ago.

That's teena Andrews?

That's teena Andrews.

Hey, why don't we
go over to the hotel

and say hello?

That's a good idea.

Oh, come on.
She'd never remember us.

That was a long time ago.

She can't have forgotten
old tiger Fife.

:
Well...

Come on.
Let's give it a try.

Oh, well...

Oh, go on.
Go on, Barney.

Come on. Come on.

Don't take too long.

I'll have
a nice roast ready.

Right. Right.

You get that release
to all the columns.

Right.

Now, teena

try to remember,
no more glamour girl.

What the public
wants now

is the small-town
girl-next-door image

like the one you play
in this picture.

That's easy, Harold.
I am a small-town girl.

Right. Right.

Okay, now...

Let me... hey!

I got an idea!

We'll contact some
of your old childhood beaus...

Kids you used
to date in school.

You might have
some trouble there.

I didn't do much
dating in school.

I was the town
ugly duckling.

This is ridiculous, Andy.

She's not going
to remember us.

She'll be glad to see us.
What are you nervous about?

Nervous? What do
you mean nervous?

I'm gonna go.

Teena, it's
hard to believe

you could have changed
as much as you say.

Oh, it's true all right.

Excuse me,
miss Andrews.

There's an Andy Taylor
and Barney Fife outside.

Andy Taylor?
Barney Fife?

They say they went
to school with you.

Mr. Fife says
he used to date you.

Oh, of course!

Well, send them in,
Harriet.

Say, I thought you said

you didn't have
any boyfriends here.

I didn't say
I never dated.

Right. Right.

Barney!

Uh, actually...

Uh, actually,
that's Barney there.

Oh.

Oh, Barney, baby,
I'm sorry.

I didn't recognize you.

You've changed so.

Yeah.

Barney Fife
and Andy Taylor,

this is my publicity man,
Harold Carson.

Hi, fellas.

Hiya, hal.

We don't want to take up
too much of your time.

Oh, don't be silly.
You're old friends.

Andy, you're
a sheriff now!

I'm a detective.

Oh, uh, detective Fife

teena tells me you
and she used to go out together.

: Well,
Irene never could keep a secret.

Oh, nobody's
called me that in years.

Yeah, Irene and me
used to run together.

We had some pretty good
times, didn't we, Irene?

Oh, uh...
Yes, I guess so.

Well, we just wanted to say:
Welcome home, teena.

It's time to go, Barn.

What's the rush?

We just got here.

Teena, you haven't asked anyone

to take you to the premiere
tonight, have you?

Well, you know, I...

Oh, that's
a wonderful idea.

Barney, would you...

Would you be my escort
for tonight, huh?

Please?

Well, heck,
I mean...

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Oh, good! Wonderful!

And, Andy

could you come, too?

And bring a girl?

Well... yes.

Oh, marvelous! Good.

Well, we...
We'd better go, Barn.

We got plenty of time.

Well, we do have some
newspaper people coming up.

Oh, the press, huh?

Oh, well... well, then,
we-we'd better go.

You want to stay
out of this, ange?

You can pick up teena at
: , Barney.

Yeah. : .

: .

Thank you.

Okay. Bye.

Boy, for somebody who was
anxious to get over here

you sure are
in a rush to leave.

Well, they're busy.

They got people
coming up...

Reporters
and everything.

Well...

Besides, you're
gonna see her at : .

Yeah.

You didn't spot it,
did you?

Spot what?

The spark,
the electricity.

Once that fire's kindled,

you can't put
a thing like that out.

Them embers
are still glowing, ange.

But aunt bee...

Opie, would you, please?

But the collar's too tight.

Please?

And don't get mussed up
before we go, hmm?

All right.

Hello, aunt bee.

Oh, hello, Helen.

Opie, don't you
look nice!

Isn't Barney
ready yet?

He's been in his
room for three hours.

Hey, Barney!

Coming, ange.

A tuxedo!

Double-breasted
and everything.

Yeah, well.

Isn't that something?

That certainly is.

For goodness' sakes.

Where'd you rent it?
Kinkleheimer's?

That's right, ope.

They got a nice range
of sizes

and the way they pin the pants
in the back

it's practically custom.

It looks
just fine.

I generally like to wear
my own clothes

but on a special case
like this...

Of course.
Opie, we'd better start

or we won't get
a good place.

We'll see you all later.

We'll see you
over there.

Okay.

Excuse me.

Aren't you supposed to wear
a black hat with a tuxedo?

That's a matter of taste, ope.

Well...

I think maybe we'd
better get started, too.

Yeah, don't want teena
straining at the leash.

No, no.
Well, let's go.

Everybody back.

Get back.

Let me out first.

Everybody back.

Everybody back.

Everybody back.

What do you think
you're doing?

I'm just opening the car
door for miss Andrews.

I'll handle that.

Thanks anyway,
you nice man.

She touched me.

Teena Andrews
touched me.

Gee, goob, she's
just a girl.

Teena, this must be
an exciting evening for you.

Oh, it certainly is.

One of those
evenings

that'll long go down
in your memory.

Oh, it certainly will.

You must be thrilled
having a premiere

of one of your own
pictures in your hometown.

Oh, I certainly am.

Thank you,
teena.

It's certainly been
nice having you with us.

I certainly...
Thank you.

And this gentleman over here...

Oh! We used to go
to high school together.

Barney Fife.

Hi.

Hi, Mr. Fife.

Would you tell our viewers
and listeners

how it feels to attend
a world premiere

not only
with a former girlfriend

but with one of Hollywood's
most glamorous stars?

Well, I'm very happy
to be here with teena.

I understand it's
an excellent picture

and I'm looking
forward to seeing it.

Do you still live here
in Mayberry, Mr. Fife?

No, I don't.
I now reside in Raleigh.

You probably read about
me in the newspaper...

You're just here
on a visit, then.

Yes. I'm a detective

and you probably
read about me...

How long do you expect
to stay here in Mayberry?

Three or four days.

The police department
up there is entirely...

We hope you enjoy
your visit. Thank you.

I see we're running out of time.

This is station knc

which has brought you
these interviews

with these famous people
here tonight

of course,
attending the premiere

of miss teena Andrews's
latest motion picture

directly
from miss Andrews's hometown.

I now return you to the station.

Andy?

Andy, I think
maybe we ought to go.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Bye.
Bye.

Thanks for
coming, Helen.

Bye-bye.
Thanks for coming.

Good night, Barney.

Good night, Helen.

Don't wait up
for me.

Oh. Oh, oh.

Oh, Barney, I've had
such a wonderful time.

Ooh.

Ooh!

Oh, sorry.

Well, I-I guess it's about
time we had a little...

Little talk.

Oh, yeah.
That's a good idea.

We haven't had a chance
all evening.

Isn't that
the truth?

Oh!

I know it's silly,
but I can't stand dirty ashtrays.

You can't fight it,
Irene.

I know. Most people
think I'm a nut.

Sorry to break
it up, kids.

Teena...

You've got an early-morning
interview at the radio station.

Golly, I forgot.

Oh, Barney,
would you forgive me?

I've got to get
my beauty sleep.

Oh, well,
heck, I mean

you got to get
your sleep.

Wh-what about
lunch tomorrow?

Oh, yes, wonderful.

Say about
:

yeah, that'll be fine.

I know
this great little spot.

You'll just love it.

It's completely unspoiled.

The tourists
haven't found it yet.

Oh, wonderful.

Barney...

I've had
a wonderful evening.

Mm-hmm.

I'd like to make
a reservation.

Table for two,
about quarter past : .

Yeah, b. Fife.

That's right.

Oh, and listen.

Put a bottle of your best red
wine on ice for me, will you?

Room temperature?

Oh, well, that's, uh...
A matter of taste.

Mm-hmm. Fine.

Oh.

Yeah, sounds like
quite an event.

Ah, well, we got
a lot to talk about.

Yeah.

You know, conflicting careers
and all that.

What?

Well, I got a feeling
this thing is moving

to full speed ahead
for both of us.

Uh... oh?

Oh, ange, last night,
there were a few magic moments.

Of course you'd have
to understand teena

the way I do
to know that.

Well, yeah, uh...

Hello?
Well, yeah.

As a matter of fact,
he's right here.

It's teena's
secretary.

She can't even wait
till : .

Hi, Harriet.

Put her on.

She what?

I'm sorry Mr. Fife,
but her fiancé called...

Her fiancé?

Well...

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well, fine.

Th-thank you.

She left for California.

Oh.

You know... you
know something?

You know, this is
probably for the best

because of what you
said a while ago...

Conflicting careers.

Yeah, that's,
that's probably true.

I definitely
think so.

Yeah.

You know, ange, I think
I'll be heading back to Raleigh.

Oh, Barn, you
just got here.

I know, but it's a big city
up there and they're busy.

There's a lot of work to do.
They may need me.

Well, you could
call them.

Yeah, I could,
but I...

I'll tell you
something, ange.

You start dealing
with a woman

and you are dealing
with a treacherous commodity.

This here, right here,

that's the only love
a lawman ought to have.

You know, you can
depend on her.

Well, I'm-I'm gonna
go up and pack.

I can't believe it.

It's him all right.
There's his name.

"Teena Andrews
and escort Barney Fife."

Look at the way
she's grabbing him.

Boy, and all this time,
I thought he was nothing.

Nothing.

Morning, girls.

Good morning,
detective Fife.

Uh... good morning.

Say, uh, i-I'm having
a few close friends

over Saturday night

and do you think you might
be able to make it?

Uh... well...

If you're free

for brunch on sunday,

I make great
scrambled eggs.

:
Well, um... I don't know.

I think maybe I could probably
work that in.

Of course I wouldn't want
to promise anything

until I look at my calendar.

See what's...

Yeah, I think
I could make that. Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

He says, "things are
going along swimmingly"

"in the department.

"Do you remember
miss Clark?

"She was that sharp
little number

"that sat at the desk
as you entered.

"She and I
have been getting

"a little chummy,
of late.

"As a matter of fact,
I'm taking her

"to the policeman's ball...
It's a masquerade.

"I'm going as Jack
and she's going as Jill.

"We wanted to do
something different.

"Well, that's all
for now.

"Give my love to Opie,
aunt bee, and Helen.

Your buddy, Barney."

He writes a nice letter,
doesn't he?

Yes, he does.

You know,
I miss Barney.

I do, too.

I guess there's just
the one Barney Fife.

Yes.

Well, I got to go
back to work.

I just thought you might
enjoy hearing his letter.

Yes, I did.

Yeah.

Well. Bye.

Bye.