05x21 - Barney Runs for Sheriff

[bunniefuu]

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Well, here he goes again.

Every month, pull up stakes
like an arab and off you go.

Barney, that was
three months ago.

I was thinking about
moving to Raleigh.

Oh! That long.

Three months.

Well, you're practically
putting down roots here.

And I didn't take the job.

And you're not
going to this time.

You can't.

So why get me all excited?

It's bad for my
digestion before lunch.

I wanted to talk to you

because there's
a very good chance

I might just take this job.

I told ed crumbpacker I would.

Ed crumbpacker. Ed crumbpacker.

Some guy you go hunting with
twice a year.

We know one another very well.

And I suppose that's
more important

than a lifetime
of friendship and teamwork

fighting shoulder-to-shoulder
against organized crime!

You want to sit down.

Now, Barney, ed crumbpacker
is with a very big company.

I know. I know.

It's one of them big
industrial giants.

Don't you know you're gonna
get swallowed up, Andy?

No, I won't.

Now, they got a big
executive training program

and they-they want to
put me in that.

It'll mean a lot
more money to me.

And they got offices
all over the world.

Ed told me they might even
transfer me out of the country.

Maybe Europe,
maybe even south America.

What about aunt bee and Opie?

I'd take them with me.

You know they don't speak
a word of south American.

I swear, Andy.

Some guy calls you from
St. Paul, Minnesota

and you fall right
out of your tree.

And what about her?

Who's "her"?

You know who's her.

Just sit down.

Now, Barney, you know
how things stand

between Helen and me

and if they keep going
the way they have been

I expect I'd send for her.

Oh, you're gonna send for her?

Yeah, I'm gonna send for her.

You gonna send for me, too?

Or am I gonna stay
here and be sheriff?

Well, you ought to at least run.

Well, I can't think of anybody
who's more qualified than you

and I don't know of anybody else
that's gonna file.

I was supposed
to file for re-election

sometime in the next
couple of days

and I'm not gonna file.

Oh... I don't know, Andy.

Well, if you don't run,
and nobody else files

who's gonna be the law?

Town would be wide open,
wouldn't it?

Sure it would.

And everybody knows you
and likes you and everything

and you've learned a lot
in the last several years.

It'd mean
a lot more money to you.

You might be able
to move out of that room

and into a regular house
or something.

'Course, you do
what you want to.

What's that?

It's in the ring.

Oh, my.

That's another thing
I'm worried about

if we should end up
in south America.

The food...

They eat very strange things
down there.

What do they eat, paw?

Same things as we do.

Beans, meat, tomatoes...

And they have special dishes.

Uh, they got a thing
called a tortilla.

You mean they eat
those great big spiders?

No. That's a tarantula.

Tortilla.
Oh.

Well, I'm taking along
some canned goods

just to be on the safe side.

I could always make
some heavy soup.

We're not going to the jungle.

I know. I know, Andy.

I think it'll work out
real good for us.

Mm. Well...

Don't touch that.

Hello.

St. Paul, Minnesota?

Yeah.

Hello, ed. We was just
talking about you.

Uh-huh.

Well, you don't have
to apologize, ed.

Aunt bee, do you think...?

Just a minute.

Job went
to somebody's cousin, huh?

Well... maybe it'll
all be for the best.

I don't know whether I'd like it
too much out of Mayberry.

Small town, you know?

Right.

Good-bye.

Ed crumbpacker.

I know. I heard.

Well...

I guess that's that.

What, paw?

Oh, nothing.
We're gonna stay.

But they can't do that!
They just did.

Well, that's a terrible thing
to do to a man.

That's like pulling the rug
right out from under you.

And here you didn't file
for re-election.

Well, that was my own idea.

Ed crumbpacker...
He said don't say anything

till the job's official.

Well, no harm done. I'll just
withdraw in your favor, of course.

Oh, you can't.
State law.

Well, now, what kind of a law
is that?

It's on the books.
The ballot's been printed,

and you're the only one
running for sheriff.

Oh, this is just nonsense...

Me running for sheriff
with you still around.

Well...

Don't worry about it.

It's just one of those things.

Andy, this... this leaves you
out of everything.

I mean, what about a job?

I don't know.

Something will come up.

Well, just don't you do anything
till you hear from me.

I'll think of something
by the time we caucus.

All right, quiet, please.

Quiet, please!

Let me have your attention,
please!

Now, as you all know,

Andy'll be here any minute

so let's get
one thing straight...

I'm the spokesman
for the delegation.

I do the talking.

Well, when he comes in,

is it all right if I say,
"hello, Andy"?

No. That just
gets you started, Floyd.

I don't think you can be
that dictatorial, Barney.

Now, did we or did we not
agree that I...?

What if he says, "hey, goober"?

Can't I say, "hey, sheriff"?

'Cause he might think
I'm mad at him.

Can't we have
a little compromise?

I think if anybody
has any suggestions

they ought to be
able to make them.

All right.
Hold everything!

Now, if anybody here...

No, thanks, aunt bee.

Well...

Now, if anybody here

questions my ability
as a spokesman

then just let him or her
step up here

and take over
as the case may be.

Okay, I'm the spokesman.

Spokesman about what?

Oh...
Hi, Andy.

What's, uh...
What's happening?

Well, Andy, this, uh...

This here's what you might
call a civic delegation.

As a matter of fact,
that's just what it is...

A civic delegation.

And I'm the spokesman.

Hello, Andy.
Oh, hi, Floyd.

Hey, sheriff.
Goober.

Oh, hi.
Hi, everybody.

Why don't you sit down
right there, Andy?

That's not his favorite chair.

Why don't you sit here
next to Helen?

What difference does it make?

He hates that chair.

All right...

Now, the thing is, Andy

that we, as a group
of concerned citizens

have a proposal
about the office of sheriff.

What we want to do...

What we want to do

is to start a write-in campaign

that will re-elect
Andy Taylor to office.

Well... that's... that's
awfully nice

but Barney here is the only
official candidate.

Oh, well, this was
Barney's idea, Andy.

We all feel...

We all feel...
That a write-in campaign

is the toughest kind
of a campaign to win.

It'll be a hard, uphill fight
all the way.

You'll win easy, sheriff.

Oh, easy. Easy.

Why, you'll carry this town...

With me throwing all my support
in your direction

I think we can make it.

All we need is for you
to turn to us

and say, "men, women..."

Whatever the case may be

"...full steam ahead."

Well, Barney, that's
a pretty big sacrifice

you're making there.

That's how Barney
wants it, Andy.

You'd do the same for me
any old time.

I'll even be
your campaign manager.

I, uh...

I appreciate your... your
coming over here like this

and... and if you want me to run
as a write-in

I'll... I'll be happy to do it.

Oh, wonderful.

All right, Andy.

We have a million things
to do, Andy.

Everybody just be quiet.

Andy, will you please...?

Andy, why don't you...?!

Why don't you sit down?!

I told you he hates that chair.

Oh, hello, boys.

Hello, Floyd.

Want a sucker?

No, thanks, Floyd.
I don't want a sucker.

Now, Floyd, I'm here to
talk about the election.

Now, as Andy's campaign manager

I hereby appoint you
precinct head

of this entire block

from main to maple, maple to elm

elm to the fire hydrant.

Well, precinct head.

Well, thanks a lot, Barn.

Yeah, okay.

Now, the keynote
of the whole campaign

is gonna be... now get this...

Win with Taylor.

Win with Taylor.
Oh, that's good, isn't it?

Yeah. Oh, that's very catchy.

It's got a nice ring to it.

Floyd, what Barney
wants you to do

is just make sure that everybody
knows about the write-in.

Oh, Andy, don't you worry.

I'm sure most folks
know about it.

No, Floyd.
In any write-in campaign

you got to have
a voter education program.

We got to go on the radio, teach
folks how to spell Taylor...

Uh, t-a-y-l-o-r.

Say, there are not many ways
to spell Taylor, you know.

But Fife, now...

Now, Fife... oh, there's
a lot of ways to spell Fife.

There's p-h...

And there's f-f...

Win with Taylor.

That's pretty good.

Well, Floyd, Barney's name's
already on the ballot.

You don't have to spell
his name.

Oh. Well, you expecting
to get any votes, Barney?

Well, certainly I'll get some.

Against Andy
it might not be easy.

Oh, Barney's going to get
a lot of votes, Floyd.

Well, if there's any danger
of a trend, you let me know.

Now, goober,
we know there's a lot of cars

come in and out of here all day.

And if... and if you...
And if you'd just mention

the write-in to them,
we'd appreciate it.

Well, I mentioned it
to some people already,

but most of them had already
heard about it.

I don't see no problem.

Well, what about the ones
who were gonna vote for me?

I didn't run across none.

Oh. Here.
Thank you, goober.

Well, it looks like
the campaign's going just great.

Yeah.
Well, let's, uh...

Yeah.

Oh, Barney! Hi!
Hi, Andy!

Oh, hi, Thelma Lou.
Oh, hi, thel.

I've been working
on your campaign, Andy.

Why, thank you.
Good.

Seems to be going wonderfully.

Well...
Well, look, thel,

naturally we all want Andy
to win by a good margin.

Oh, don't worry.
He will.

Even I'm voting for him.

Why, thank you, Thelma Lou.

Well, I've got to run now.
Good luck, sheriff.

I'll see you tonight, Barney.
Yeah.

Hey, Barn.
Anj.

You go ahead.
No. You go ahead.

No. You go ahead.
No. Go ahead.

Well, uh, anj, my
private polls indicate

a big swing in your direction.

Oh.

Well, that's, uh,
that's probably because

you haven't been doing
any campaigning for yourself.

That could be part of it.

Oh, there's no question
about that.

Well, anyway, I've,
I've been thinking

that, uh...
Well, in the interest

of a Democratic form
of government

I guess the people really
ought to have a choice

of more than one candidate.

Oh, yeah, they should have
a choice.

It's only a matter
of being fair to them.

Oh, yeah. I agree.

Actually, the way we've been
conducting this campaign

is not really good
for the community.

No, no.
No, it's not.

And, uh, uh, well,
you know what I think?

What?

I think that you ought to go out

and stir up some votes
for yourself.

No. I mean make
a real contest out of it.

Nothing like that

because I'm a Taylor man
right down the line.

I know that

but like we were just saying

it's not good
for the community, you know?

And, you know, being sheriff
years the way I have

I must have rubbed
some fur the wrong way.

Well, Andy, all I'm
talking about for me

is just a... just a...
A token campaign.

Oh, listen, any way you
want to handle it's fine.

Well, just... just a token.

Just anything's okay.

Well...

Well, I... better go.

Okay.

I'll see you.

Okay, fella, you're hired.

What do you mean

you don't think you
can put up my poster?

Oh, I never put up posters
in my window, Barney.

It spoils the decor.

A mud slide couldn't
spoil that decor.

Say, it looks like you smell
something, there, Barney.

Was that what you wanted?
Smelling something?

I'm not smelling anything.

Oh, I thought
"bloodhound of the law..."

"Sniffing out crime," you know.

No, nothing like that.

Oh, that would've been good,
though...

Very good.

How about a contribution
to my campaign fund?

Oh, no. I couldn't
do that, Barn. No.

Why not?
Not ethical.

I'm voting for Andy.

Look, Floyd,
your smart merchant...

A businessman...
No matter which way he votes

is going to make
a nominal contribution

to both sides...
Insure himself.

You understand?

Oh, well...

Then, I'll give you
a nominal contribution.

How much can I put you down for?

Next time you come in

I'll give you a haircut
for half price.

You're all heart,
Floyd, you know that?

You're all heart.

Now, Floyd,
it's not gonna k*ll you

to put up one
of Barney's posters, is it?

What if he gets elected?

Well, that's not
the point, Floyd.

Well, that's true.
That's true.

What is the point?

That Barney,
in spite of little things

like getting carried away
with himself

and going off the deep end

is, underneath, a very proud
and sensitive person.

Now here he comes.

Now, don't you say one word

about me asking you
to put up that poster.

Oh, not a word. No, my lips
are sealed...Sealed.

Not a word.

Oh, uh, hi, Barn.

Anything going on here?

I break up
a little conversation?

Oh, no,
there's nothing going on.

Right, Floyd?
No, no.

A little campaign strategy,
maybe?

Like how to sink Barney Fife?

What are you talking about?

You think I don't know
what's been going on?

You think I don't know
a conspiracy?

Now, wait a minute.

There he goes

off the deep end again, Andy,
just like you said.

Who said

my lips are sealed.

My good friend
and worthy opponent?

Barney, all I said...

A little whispering campaign?

Blacking me out on the posters
wasn't enough?

I had nothing to do
with those posters.

Floyd, did Andy
say anything to you

about putting up my posters?

Yes.
Yes, he did.

Floyd!

My lips are sealed.

Well, the whole thing's

coming pretty clear now,
isn't it?

Barney...

Okay, I'm taking the one way

to break through
the iron curtain

to bring my case to the people.

I'm challenging you
to a free and public debate.

Well, what'll we debate about?

You think I've been walking
around here

for five years
with my eyes shut?

Andy, you just show up,
because I'm blowing the lid off.

Uh, good evening.

As you all know,
we are gathered here

for the most important event

in the history
of Mayberry politics.

Now, the only reason
this isn't on TV

is because we don't have
a TV station.

A TV station.

Well, so much
for the lighter side.

Now, in this debate

between sheriff Taylor
and deputy Fife

we must remember
to show no partiality.

We must be
completely open-minded

in spite of the fact that Andy's
the only man for the job.

So, now I call on Barney Fife
to take the speaker's stand.

Floyd.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I have here documented cases

of malfeasance
in the sheriff's office.

However,
due to the pressures of time

I will discuss only three.

What a disgraceful tactic.

Malfeasance number one...

Traffic in this town
is completely out of control.

Jaywalking is rampant.

Fiddle-faddle!

Be quiet, aunt bee.

Malfeasance number two...

Your sheriff has kept up...
Has n kept up with the times.

He has not properly
equipped his office

like other
law-enforcement agencies

in this state have.

We have no tear gas...

We have no submachine g*ns...

And as for emergency equipment

do you know
what your sheriff carries

in the trunk of his squad car?

A shovel and a rake!

Ain't you got a Jack?

Malfeasance number three...

Are you aware that your sheriff

who is responsible
for protecting your lives

and your property

carries no g*n...

No w*apon of any description...

To enable him to discharge
his duties properly?

I ask you to dwell
on these things for a moment.

Is this good government?!

Thank you.

Andy, go on.

You've got to answer him.

I don't know what to say.

Call him a rabble-rouser!

So, now let us hear
from sheriff Taylor.

Did you ever hear of such a...

cases of malfeasance?

Uh...

Barney's, uh, Barney's right
about the, uh, traffic.

People do park
in the wrong places

and cross the street
in the wrong places

but it's-it's such a small town,
and I don't... I don't believe

there's been an accident
uptown here in the...

In the last five years

and, uh...

It is true that we don't have

any, uh, emergency equipment
to speak of.

I mean, no tear gas
or machine g*ns

or anything like that.

Doesn't seem to be
a need for it.

And... and it's true that
I don't wear a g*n very often

but, uh...

Uh, I always thought
that we got along well enough

that that wasn't necessary.

Well, I, uh...

I don't know.

I've been sheriff
a-a long time and...

You're either satisfied with me
or you're... you're not

and, uh, I guess
we'll find out tomorrow.

Thank you.

Well, I, uh...

I don't know about you folks,
but, uh...

I was satisfied
with Mr. Taylor's answers

and, uh...

Well...

I'm voting for Andy.

Nice work.

Thanks, Barn.

Barney...

Vote the people's choice,
Barney Fife for sheriff.

The man for the job.

Win with Fife.

I told that guy
just up until : .

Well, I guess I might as well
take this down.

Well...good picture.

Can I have that?

Well, sure.

Thanks.

You had of these.
What'd you do with them?

Well...

...they cost a lot of money,
you know.

Well, what'd you do with them?

Well, I...

Well, my room needed papering,
anyway.