Vicious Fun (2020)

[bunniefuu]

-Need a ride?
-That obvious?

-How far are you going?
-As far as I can.

Hop in.

Aah!

You wanted a surgeon,
you f*ck.

Okay, so why don't we, uh,

we're going to stay on the wide
and then lose that close-up

before she jumps out
of the doorway to stab him?

Oh. God damn it.

You say something?

Oh, it just sounds like
you're going for surprise

instead of suspense,
again, Jack.

-Can you hang on
for just a second, please?

What is the name
of your magazine again?

Vicious Fans?
-"Vicious Fanatics."

It's right here.
-I'm on a brutal deadline.

So you got five more minutes.
Go.

-Yeah, sorry.

Vicious tales.

Jack, serious critics,

myself included, have noticed
that you've repeatedly

used slow moving K*llers
over your last dozen films.

You did it in Your Carnation
for Corpses, Status of Fear,

Black Friday. You did it in --
-Slower is scary.

-I mean, Sally's running blocks

ahead of the happy smile k*ller
in Black Friday.

He always manages to catch her,
but it's not really realistic.

It's not possible.
-It's dream logic.

It's like you're
in a nightmare, right?

And you can't outrun it
no matter how fast you go.

-Right, right, right, right,
right, right,

right, right, right.
Lazy writing.

Ah,
why in your last three films,

whenever one hears a noise,
do they always go outside?

Why would you do that?
-Hey, all right. All right.

Minutes, take it easy, okay?

I make fun movies,
if you don't like them,

why don't you tell me
what you would do?

-You really want to know
what I would do?

Cab drivers.

-What?

-Cab -- cab drivers.

Huh?

Think about it.

They drive you home
so they know where you live,

but they have zero connection
to you.

Who looks twice as a cab driver,
let alone remembers their face?

Jack,
they're the perfect K*llers.

It's modern horror
for modern times.

Why is no one doing this?
Why aren't you doing this?

-Well, that is a real million
dollar idea there, Jim.

You should be proud of yourself.

-Thank you, it's Joel,
but thank you.

-Maggie! You're good, right?

-Actually, no.
I was going to ask --

-Maggie,
can you show the correspondents

for Vicious Fun out, please?

-Vicious Fanatics.
-Vicious Fun.

-Fanatics.
-Sounds better.

Vicious Fun sounds better.

-Okay.
-See you, Jed.

-Hey, it's me just letting you
know I'll be home late.

I have a date,
I just met the guy.

Crazy, right? Anyway, I didn't
want you to worry again.

Thanks, roomie. Bye!

♪♪

Fade in, the city, night.

Rain falls
like drops of poison.

Windshield wipers slash

like deadly knives.

Nice.

On the corner,
like a crouching tiger,

a taxi awaits.

Nice!

Ah.

That's a sweet ride.

Damn it.

God damn it.

What are you...

Oh, damn it.

Eight ways to look better.

Okay.

Oh!
-Oh, Joel, hi.

-Sarah.

-Oh, you having
somebody over?

-Um, well, yeah,
I was just thinking about it.

Thinking about it.

A couple of girls asked me
to hang out.

Had some options.

Ashley...

Catherine...

Judith.

Carl...a.

-Oh, and hey, do you mind
if I have the TV tonight?

Cindy's coming over
to watch "Falcon Crest."

-Sarah, "Falcon Crest"?

-Joel, do you like anything?
Like at all?

-A lot of things,
but "Falcon Crest"?

I was thinking we could
rent a beta machine,

a couple of movies,
taco night?

-Actually, I was
kind of hoping

for more of a girls night.

- Oh.

I'll have a girls night
with Carl...a.

-Great.
-You've never met her.

-Hey, Joel.
-Hey.

Wait, wait, no, no, wait,
taxi, taxi, wait, wait, wait.

Follow that car.

Drab Majesty:
♪ I see your future now ♪

Stretching on
through the years

♪ Devotion is not a word
I fear ♪

♪ What falls between ♪

♪ Your hand and mine ♪

♪ Forsaking, for breaking ♪

♪ A sculpture that
we made in time ♪

Operation The Phoenix --
The Nest --

working title.

Natch.

Come on, Joel. Come on.

-Busy night, huh?
-What's that, Chief?

-I said, sorry, it's loud.
Busy night in here.

-Yeah, wouldn't know,
I'm not from around here.

-Me neither, actually.
-What can I get you?

-Oh, just whatever he's having.

-Have I met you before?

-No, no, I've never seen you
before in my entire life, ever.

-Thought I might have
showed you a house sometime.

Name's Bob. Bob Nice.

-Bob, it's nice to meet you.
I'm...Dave.

-So what brings you out to these
neck of the woods there, David?

-Just taking a break
from all the ladies I get.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, well,

we've all had our troubles
with that one time or another,

trying to find them,
trying to get rid of them.

-Yeah.

-Why don't you say
this round's on me.

-Sure. Very nice of you.

So I suppose you're here
waiting for your wife.

You're wearing...
- Oh!

Yeah, this.

I wear it because I find it
helps me sell and close.

-Oh! So there's no my wife
in the picture at all.

-f*ck no.

But I did just happen to go

on a rather "eventful date,"
quote unquote.

-What does that mean? Go ahead.
Give me the details.

- Well, you see, Dave,

well, a date implies dinner,

some handholding, nice wine,

staring into each other's eyes.

-So that didn't happen
with this one?

So it's not that serious, huh?

-More like a few tequila
gold shots,

followed by her mastering
her gag reflex, huh?

- Oh! You as*h*le.

-Two whiskeys!

-Oh!
-Yeah!

That was nice except for
all the chatting.

She was definitely a talker.

-Oh, yeah, she's a talker?
About anything specific?

-Well, you name it, our job,
her aerobics class,

her roommate.

-Her roommate.
She talk about her roommate?

-Yeah, that was a low point.

Might want to slow down there,
Dave.

-No.

It does burn, though.

-I was showing her a bungalow.

You see, she was looking
to get out on her own.

I mean, who can blame her
after living with such

a loser roommate for so long?

-She call him a loser?
-No, no, I did.

You see, Dave, this boy,
he's not like you and me.

-Really?

-He's alone every night
watching any piece of sh*t

he can get
his grubby little hands on.

Guy would probably need
the chloroform rag

and a panel van just to get
any action, am I right?

-He's probably slept with
at least one girl.

You know, you ever think
that I don't know,

maybe this girl's bringing up
this guy on a date with you

because maybe she likes him
as more than a friend?

-Ha!

-Whoo!

That's funny stuff, Dave,
that is funny!

-Just wonder why
she didn't tell me.

-What's that?

-I don't know why
she didn't tell him.

-Oh, well, she "feels bad"
for him, whatever that means.

But you know what I say, David,
you cut and run.

-Yeah, cut and run.

You make a good point, Bob.

You know what? f*ck that guy.

What do you say we get blintzed?
Let's get blintzed, huh!

-Why don't you, uh, hold
the fort for me there, Bosko?

I'll just be back in
a few minutes, huh?

-Sure.

The next minutes, a year,
who has time for Joel?

♪♪

Hey, barkeep.

Maybe pour me some more
of this red hot molten lava.

Hey. Hey, what the f*ck?

-I added his drinks to your tab.

-What?
-He said it's on you.

-as*h*le.

Hey, leave the bottle.

Wait, how much is the --
how much...

-Gotta go. Bye.

- Can I buy you
a drink, hot stuff?

That was mine.

When I get back, then.

So hot.

Hello?

-Jesus, Joel. You sound like
you've had a gallon of gasoline.

-No. Wrong!

I had red hot molten lava.

-Do you need me to come
and get you?

-I don't need you, Sarah.
I'm just...

-Joel? Joel!

Joel.

I just gotta lay here, man,
till everything stops spinning.

What the f*ck?

I'm happier now
than I have ever been.

More successful.

I have faced everything
that you're afraid of

and I come out the other side.

I can help you live your life
with confidence.

-Um...

Sorry to interrupt
your meeting.

-You must be Phil.

Take a seat.
-You're late.

-Uh...
-Come on. Come on.

Point is, you're here now.
Have a seat.

We're all here
for the same reason, right?

Have a seat.
This is a safe place.

-Sure.

Guys, listen.

-You are Phil, right?

-Who the f*ck else would he be?

-I'm -- I'm Phil.

-Well, sit, then.
-Sitting.

-My name is Zachary.
-I'm Hideo.

-Mike.
-Carrie.

-Fritz.

-Phil, thanks so much
for coming out.

You've got the floor.

-Hmm?
-Uh, uh, uh, what?

-Oh, no, you know what?

I liked what you were saying

when I came around
the corner there.

That was some good stuff, if
you just want to finish that up.

-No, no, no. I'm finished.
All done.

-I talked.
-So did I.

-Yep.

-You've got the floor now, Phil.

-Okay.

Well, you know, I'm here
for the same reasons

as everyone else is
in the circle,

you know, to get help.

Yeah, for my addiction?

It's getting rough.

Yeah, oh, it's bad, it's bad.

Even this last day/night,
phew, I hit rock bottom.

To be honest,
I'm starting to --

starting to realize
I'm not what I think

other people think I am.

-Well, that was f*cking vague.
-Michael!

You seem agitated.

What's -- what's -- what's
swirling around your head?

-Sometimes I just feel like
I lose touch

with my essence animal.

You know, my essence animal.

I'm the shark, remember?

-Oh, yeah, shark, that's cool.
I like that.

-I just want to hunt,
to live by pure instinct.

Is it my fault society
rejects that?

-No, Mike, no.
-f*ck you! That was rhetorical.

-I am troubled
by our empty seat.

-Well, our friend
is always reliable.

-He's reliable and never late.

-He said he'd be here,
he'll be here. All right?

Let's -- let's don't
get off track.

-Remember Utah?
-Jesus, here we go again.

-Hideo, we don't say
the word Utah unless

we've got ourselves a Utah.

This ain't a Utah.

There's no chance of being
a Utah 'cause I'm here.

So can we just move on?

-Yeah, let's move on.
No, forget Utah.

-Let's keep the crosstalk
to a minimum. All right?

-Mike was saying something
really interesting

about what you're hunting
for in life?

If you want to finish
that thought up?

-Just want to be
in the moment.

Could be out in a little cabin,

summer camp upstate.
-Oh.

-Sorority house.
-That's weird.

-Then things get
fuzzy for me.

All I remember is screaming.

Then the silence, you know?

-Can you please describe
your disposal methods?

How do you conceal your actions
from people like you?

-I don't know, man. I don't
do my dishes half the time.

You think I'm going to clean up
a blood-drenched campsite?

What do you do with the bodies?

-I have a point plan that
involves several stages of --

-Oh, wake me up
when you're done.

-I once concealed myself
in a drop ceiling

for consecutive hours,
lying in wait for my mark,

while I slowed my heartbeat
to almost nothing.

Have you ever even bitten
into a kidney?

A warm, fresh kidney
is unlike --

-I don't want to hear it.

-If I may continue
uninterrupted.

-Oh, of course.
Thank you, Fritz.

-I found that by using
the skills from my pretend life

as an accountant,

I am able to calculate
the number of kills

that I can perform
within a given time frame,

thus increasing
my efficiency.

-No, just give me a mask,
a machete,

and a bunch of
half naked co-eds

and I'm ready to go!

-You implied that
eating flesh is a shameful act.

On the contrary,
it is the only meat

that has any sense
of nobility --

-...and a voice

calls me to do so.
-What is...

-It speaks only to me.

I have found that eating flesh
is all that soothes it.

-Nope, back of the head. Done.
-Hot damn.

Where were you two
in the early ' s?

I could --
I could have used you.

Do you know it's a pain
in the a*s?

Training death squads
for the government.

You gotta take men
and break them

until they lose
all sense of humanity.

No weekends off.

But g*dd*mn,
if I had you two?

Oh, my. Top of
the agency in a couple of years.

But I'm not.
Didn't make it there.

They said I didn't
follow protocol.

Got messy. It got really messy.

I like it messy sometimes.

Too much, what'd they say,
collateral damage.

Oh, well.
Better luck next time.

-I found what I think is
a unique solution

to the problem
of concealment and disposal.

I m*rder the same victim
repeatedly over several months,

therefore garnering multiple
kills per unit.

-Bullshit.

-I put my victims
on life support, revive them,

and k*ll them repeatedly.

The final k*ll
is always exceptionally...

It's drawn out.

It's my reward
for exercising prudence.

-Oh, my God. Wow.

-See? Smart, smart.

He listens,
stays within the limits.

Carrie, how about you?

How do you maintain
your lifestyle

and still keep your urges
under control?

-I've k*lled seven people
this year,

I've never been caught,
and I'm f*cking stoked about it.

-Quite a woman.
-Next.

-Phil.
-Hmm?

-Why are you here?

-It's complicated.
-Complicated?

-Mm-hmm.
-Complicated?

f*ck you, complicated.

A month ago, I k*lled an entire
Cambodian village.

I poured rice
into the village well.

I camped out in some trees
for a couple of days

and listened to the screams of
the dying.

Couple weeks go by,
what am I doing?

Hanging out just watching
episodes of "Three's Company"

in my underwear,
waiting for the next mission.

Now, what part of that story

do you think
was the hardest for me to admit?

Ah, Philip.

Tell us.

-I'm a taxi -- taxi driver.

-Go on.

-I'm like a crocodile.

A steel crocodile on wheels,

prowling through the dark

asphalt rivers of the city,

yeah, much like a crocodile,
I separate the weak

from the herd,

only for me,
it's single girls,

you know, young girls
that have been broken up with,

cheated on, stood up,

just pining
for the men they can't have.

And I-I pick them up.

They come to me, and I just
release them from the pain.

-That's beautiful, man.
-Thank you.

-Do you ever come close
getting caught?

-Think about it, guys.

How would I? You know?

Taxi drivers,
they drive you home.

They know exactly
where you live,

but they have
zero connection to you.

Right?
Who -- have any of you

even remembered the taxi driver
that you've driven with?

No. They're the perfect K*llers.
-They are.

-I, me, I'm perfect.
One of a kind, unique.

-So you hide in plain sight.

-I don't need a drop ceiling,

a -point plan,
a sorority house.

You just give me a car,

a rainy night,

I'm invisible, invisible.

-Brilliantly banal.

-Yeah.
-All right.

What do we say we take a break,
reconvene in minutes?

- minutes, fine with me.
-We wait.

Not everyone has spoken.

-Hideo, well, I believe
he has forfeited his turn.

Okay, fine, you want to
sit there, you sit there,

get your heart rate
down to zero or

or whatever you want to do.

Oh, it's moving up,
I can tell.

What are you clocking
right now?

? ?

Do not get caught up

in society's web of --

Phil, unlock the door
and see who that is.

Unlock the door, see who it is.
-Yeah.

I'll just unlock the door.

-Holy sh*t.

Long time no see.

Looks like I underestimated you,
huh?

I love this guy.

Hey, everyone. I know I'm late.

I thought I had a little
more time to k*ll there, huh?

So just getting started?

-We just took a break.
Glad you could make it.

Good to see you, too, Zachary,
Michael, Hideo,

science teacher guy, Joan Jett.

-They have names.
This is Fritz and Carrie.

Carrie's from
the South Dakota circle.

-He knows who I am.

He's just being his usual
hilarious self.

-And Phil here is new.

-You're Phil?
-Yeah.

-Thought you said
your name was Dave.

-Because I didn't know
if I could trust you.

I was just in disguise as Dave
when we met earlier,

your regular,
old drunk bar patron.

It's my go-to.
-So y'all talked?

-Phil was telling us
all about himself.

-Wow.

It's like I get to meet you
all over again

for the first time.

So, hmm, what's your angle?

Are you a skinner,
a slice or dicer

or corpse humper?

What gets the old creative
juices flowing?

-Taxi cab driver.

-Taxis.

No, no, no,
you're going to have to give me

a little more to go on there.

-I am a cab driver.
-Mm.

-I pick up girls --
-Mm-hmm.

-...and, um...

-Right, right.

-You know, you get it?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, actually, I don't.
-You know, taxi drivers.

They know where you live,

they have
zero connection to you,

they're basically
the perfect K*llers.

-But you are calling
into dispatch

with the address
you're going to, right?

-Yeah.

-What happens when
the girl who you dropped off,

you know,
she turns up dead or missing?

I mean, trail leads
right to you.

Isn't that kind of dumb?

-But I do most
of my killings off duty.

-Oh, oh, oh, oh.
-Yes.

-Oh, wait, no, no, no.
I'm still confused.

How do you get the cab, then?

-Unless you drive it around
when you're off work?

-Yeah, no.

-If you're off duty, why would
you call into dispatch?

-Uh...

I have my methods.

It's a good point, Zachary.

The reason for that...

-How many girls you k*lled
this year, Phil?

-So many I can't
even keep track.

-You have not told me
one true thing

since the moment
I met you, huh?

Your name is Phil, is it?

-Son of a f*cking b*tch.

-I thought you had
our little group sessions

on lockdown there, Zachary?
-I did.

-But hey, hey.
You don't have to get up.

-Looks like we have ourselves
an interloper.

-No, no, no. Mike!

There's a perfectly
good explanation, you guys.

Please.

No, no, no, no, guys, please,
please don't k*ll me,

please don't f*cking
k*ll me, please.

-Who the f*ck are you?
-No one, I'm no one. I swear.

I swear.
-Get his wallet.

How the f*ck
did you get in here?

-I was -- I came in,
I got drunk at the bar

and I went to go
to the bathroom

and I just -- I passed out in
a closet for a few hours, okay?

-I saw him in here earlier,
drunk off his a*s.

His story checks out.
-See, see?

-Well, Joel Polsky.
-Zach, guys, if you let me go,

I won't tell anyone, I swear,
who would even believe me?

Right?
-Shut the f*ck up.

I'm saying we let this
f*cking idiot go,

give him a five minute
head start,

then I decide which one of you

has the pleasure
of hunting him down.

-First of all,
I don't like it.

-Agreed.

-Secondly, I'm obviously the guy
to hunt him down.

-Mike, I'm in charge here.
Why don't you put a lid on it?

-Who made you the leader?

-Me, when I volunteered
to have this meeting.

Plus I have hundreds more kills

than the rest of you
f*cking amateurs.

-f*ck you. Oh, what?

Like it's so hard
to rack up a body count

with government funding.

-You're not a big picture guy,
are you, Mike?

I think we've established that.

Why don't you go to the bar
and pour yourself a nice

tall glass of shut the f*ck up,
we've been compromised.

What do you want
to k*ll him here?

What about the evidence?

You're gonna burn
the place down?

This isn't some campsite, Mike,

where you've just k*lled
a bunch of sorority girls

and you going to jerk off
all over their f*cking corpses.

-Hey, g*ng, why don't we
put this to a vote?

-We are still one member short.
-Six minus one equals five.

And that's without Phil.

-Jesus, what a bunch
of f*cking weirdo.

-What did you say?

-Oh, my God,
I'm so much better than this.

We are better than this.

Listen, it's going to
all work out, I promise.

Trust me.

Where you going?

-What the f*ck? Were you
taping us the whole time?

-Guys, guys, there's a perfectly
good explanation that.

Hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, no,
please don't k*ll me.

What the f*ck?

Who are you?

-I'm the one who's
going to k*ll

every one of those sick f*ck.

-Boys.

I say sh*t has gone south.

-Jesus.

-f*ck.

-Carrie?

Carrie...

Carrie, darling!

-What do you want, Robert?
-It's very quiet in there.

-So what? He's dead.

-Look, the guys, they got
a little carried away.

They feel terrible about it.
You could just see their faces.

-I'm sure they're so sorry.
-Carrie.

We're tired. It's late.

I think all any of us want
is just to see him

and his little tape recorder

and we could just pick up
and go our separate ways.

-First person
through that door

gets an ax in the head.

-Carrie?

Things seem to have gotten
a little carried away.

You've turned this
into some sort of weird

hostage negotiation.

Why?

And how is it
that that little twerp

and his tape recorder

ended up in Phil's seat
in our circle tonight?

-Why don't you find Phil
and ask him?

♪♪

Why does that
sound like a dare?

-What the f*ck are you
doing here? Who are you?

-Nobody.
I told you I'm no --

Well, I mean, I'm not nobody.
I'm the deputy assistant editor

for the review section
of a horror magazine called --

-Okay, so you're nobody got it.
Why are you here?

-Because I followed Bob.
-Why?

-Because he's dating
my roommate.

-So you followed him
to the middle of nowhere on

a Friday night?

-Say it like that, you make me
sound like some kind of weirdo.

-Quarter.

Quarter!

-Yeah, no, I can't -- I can't
hear him over the music.

-Duh.

-Time out.
Who are these guys, huh?

What is this,
some kind of support group

for serial K*llers?

You give me
something to work with,

I'm freaking out over here,
Carrie.

-Oh, my God. Fine, yes.
Okay, sort of.

It's more like
a business retreat.

-I can't even tell
if you're being sarcastic.

-If I wanted to hit you,
I would've hit you.

-Comforting. I'm totally
gonna f*cking die here.

-Joel, look at me.

Those four men in the next room,

those men are collectively
responsible for %

of all the unsolved murders
in North America.

Hideo, a high class chef
specializing in two things --

upscale fusion cuisine
and raw human flesh.

Part-time cannibal,
full-time psycho monk nut job.

Mike, a rage monster
with mommy issues,

fixates on
college-aged victims.

Loves k*lling them mid-coitus.

He's sloppy, though,
and it's not uncommon

for at least one woman to escape
from one of these rampages.

Fritz, emotionless,
barely human,

more like a lizard
in a skin suit,

takes notes when he's
interacting with people

so he can learn
about human behavior.

He never does.

Also, he dresses up
like a clown.

Why?

-He just likes clowns.
-Of course he does.

-And finally, Bob Nice.

Maybe the most
dangerous of the bunch.

He's a sociopathic,
homicidal pickup artist

who kills his target somewhere
between the first

and third date, IQ of .

The only one of them
who knows how to blend

into polite society.

He's been a fake lawyer,
fake dentist,

fake real estate agent,

changes identities
like you changed shoes.

Guy's a chameleon.

-He stuck me with his bar tab.
-Sounds about right.

-So what about Zachary?

-He's dead.

-Okay.

And you -- how do you know
all of this?

-Trust me,
you do not want to know.

-I kind of want to know.
What's this? Is that a list?

-I don't know what
you're talking about.

-Come on! Carrie,
I could be dead any minute

and you're not gonna tell me
anything about this list --

-Fine. I work for
an organization, okay?

-An organization?
That could mean anything.

-It's top secret.
-Like the government?

Is it the government?
-No.

I've already said too much.
-It's a government organization.

-You said Bob is dating
your roommate?

-Oh, my God, Sarah.

I have to save Sarah.
We have to get out of here.

-Joel, listen to me.

I know things look bad,
but when I'm done here,

Bob's not going hurt
anybody ever again.

-I didn't spend
the last months

infiltrating
that f*cked up circle of trust

just to have it
all go up in flames.

I wouldn't do that
if I were you.

-Why? I'm parched.
I'm so hungover right now.

Oh, my God.

Who is that?
-Phil.

-Oh, that's Phil.

What is going on?
What is your plan here?

-Well, first,
I'm going to have to k*ll you.

-Huh?

Son of a b*tch!

Now Carrie! I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Hey, hey.

Oh, my f*cking...

You in there, buddy?

I bet you're right now,
as you wish you were home at

Laughing Brooks Terrace, huh?

-My license.
He has my license.

f*cking loser, roommate.

What a day. What a day.

-Oh, that doesn't look
too good, Fritz.

-I think once I've k*lled you,

I'm going to ask Sarah

on another date.

And you know what, Joel?

This time,

she's going to go all...

the way.

Come on...

- Huh?

-God damn it.

-You wanna play it
that way, huh?

Hello? Yes, - - ?
Oh, my God, it's horrible.

Please send somebody.
I'm at Cooper Road.

Yeah, I just pulled
the fire alarm.

Oh, God. Oh,
I think she's armed.

She's got a leather jacket,
boots, a l*sbian haircut.

Oh, and I think she has
an accomplice.

Oh, my God, please.
Send someone quick.

It's -- it's horrible.
Oh! The blood.

Oh, the blood!

All right, we got about
three minutes

till have to answer
a f*ck ton of questions.

Let's go, chop chop.

-Yeah, but what about Zachary?

He's in there half
f*cking dissolved.

-Ah, f*ck it.
It's their problem now.

-That was f*cked.

-You're not making this easy,
Joel.

Now we got to deal with
three psychopaths and the cops.

Well, at least cops
are easier to deal with

than serial K*llers,

relatively speaking.

Can I just see that?

Hey, I mean,
if we're being honest,

you've got three down,
three and a half

with the weird clown guy's hand
and the host of all,

come on, that's pretty good
for one night.

-I guess I'm just
kind of a perfectionist.

-I mean, sure, but some things
you got to let it go.

That's what my dad always says.

-Oh, like you and Sarah?
You're gonna let that go?

-Let what go? Me and Sarah

have a perfectly good, you know,

there's nothing to let go
between Sarah and I,

we're very -- we're good.

We have a healthy, you know,

relationship,
friendship thing.

-Mm.
-So.

-So what were you
doing with this?

-Work, my work,
I use it for work,

I...I'm -- I'm a writer,
so I dictate my --

okay, maybe I was using it to
record my conversation with Bob,

but that's because
I thought he was married.

So I was protecting Sarah.
So it's not weird.

You make it sound like
it's weird. It's not weird.

-Okay, let's say none of this
happened tonight.

Bob's just your average
piece of sh*t.

You play the tape back for her,
then what?

She suddenly wants to date you
because you obviously

haven't demonstrated
any creepy behavior whatsoever?

I'm just saying you might want
to reexamine things.

And by reexamine things,
I mean you.

You might want
to reexamine you.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-I got it.
-Mm-hmm.

- Let's do this, boys!

-Through that door.
-Let's lock and load!

-Keep your eyes open.
-Busting in. Come on.

-Hey, we're in here.
We're here!

-Yeah. Freeze!
-Get your hands up.

-Oh, God. I spilled my coffee.
-Book 'em. Don't look at me.

-Well, well, well.

Look who's being sent
to the principal's office.

Looks like Hideo came up short.
Now that's disappointing.

And there he is,
alive and talking.

-You mind telling me
what the f*ck is going on?

-Gentlemen,

we are about
to have a lot of fun tonight.

-Nice. Can we get to it?
-I need you to stop.

Okay, go ahead.
-Go ahead?

-Yeah.

-Okay, so listen,
this is ridiculous.

-Hold on. Shut the f*ck up
for a second.

Okay, sweetheart.

Name?

-Jane.

-Last name?
-Doe.

-Can I just please
get my phone call?

We can come right back to this,

if I could have
my phone call, please.

-No, I just want to reiterate,
this is what you said to me.

A group of serial K*llers
attending a step meeting

tried to k*ll me and my
accomplice before disappearing,

leaving us
with three dead bodies?

-Two dead bodies.
The third one, Hideo,

we k*lled out of self-defense.

-Okay, so you confessed
to k*lling a Hideo?

-Not me personally.

-Just hold that thought.
-It was self-defense.

-I need you to hold
that thought quietly.

So you're magazine writer?
-Horror journalist.

-What did I say?
-Magazine writer.

-Yeah, I'm going to
keep it as a magazine writer.

She's an assassin whose mission
it is to k*ll serial K*llers.

-Correct,
for a secret organization.

-Okay, great, great.
Let me just write...

Just one word, right? Bullshit.

-I can't imagine
you'll take this seriously,

but we and potentially

you people are
in a lot of danger right now.

-And why would that be?

-There are three men out there
who want him dead.

And frankly, they're not real
big fans of mine either.

- Look...

...even if what
you're saying is true,

you happen to be in custody
in a police station, hmm?

What do you think's
going to happen?

-There are three of you.

two of you are armed with
typewriters,

and your buddy over there
has his nose buried

in a garbage magazine.

I'm just saying we're not
exactly on lockdown here.

-Yeah, well, everybody else
is picking through the mess

you and your sidekick there left
at the Chinese restaurant, huh?

Listen, why don't you make
things easier on yourself

and sing like your sweet
little friend over there, huh?

-Yeah, he's definitely
got his own style.

-Yeah, and he ended up being
one of the serial K*llers, Bob.

-Right, right.

Bob, Bob, who also sells
premium real estate,

which is actually
sort of believable.

-Great. See, we're getting
somewhere now.

Can I go make that phone call?

-Um, no, stop asking.

-I thought it was the law.
-It is. But guess what?

You're on my time now
and you're so full of sh*t

your eyes are brown.

Just relax that,
Pippi Longstocking.

You're going to be there
for a while.

-Jesse? Jesse!

-Hey, I'm not done with you
even by a long shot.

Don't touch any of my stuff,
okay?

-I will put one of these
right in your suckhole

like a coiled snake, okay?

Smack in the face.

-The fire alarm
was not a good idea.

-All right, boys, look,
I think we have on our hands

here is a clear cut case of
Bonnie...

And now Bonnie told me
that people are coming here

to try and k*ll him
and maybe us.

-What? Us? Why?
-Just relax.

These two are nutty.

All right. We're just going
to let them stew in a cage

until the boys are done
with the crime scene tomorrow.

-Okie doke. Sounds good.

-And hey,
let's keep an eye on her.

She scares the sh*t
out of me.

-Agree,
completely terrifying.

I feel like at any minute
she could leap from that chair

and strangle any one of us.
-Right.

Anyway, the horror journalist
wants his phone call.

-The who, what?
-A horror film journalist.

Like a reviewer
of the horror movie genre,

you know, horror films!

Films are outside the mainstream
genres like dramas,

comedies, action, musicals,
sometimes the horror genre

can blend with other genres
then you get subgenres.

And these are where
you can sometimes find

some really interesting films
that are shocking, surprising,

if I do say so myself,
downright delightful.

-Tony, I need you to
get out more.

Maybe try a contact sport.

-Yeah, yeah, I can do that.
-Great.

-Contact sports, Tony.

-Don't touch me.

- Hello?

-Sarah, Sarah, Sarah,
listen to me, okay,

listen very carefully.

-Jesus, Joel, what the hell
happened to you?

- Yeah.

I was okay and I'm sorry.
-You should be.

I was worried about you.
Where are you?

-Yeah, I'm safe now, okay?
I'm in jail. I'm safe.

-What do you mean
you're in jail?

-It's a long story, okay?
Don't worry about it.

I had to pretend
to be a serial k*ller

so the serial K*llers
wouldn't k*ll me

and then they k*lled
each other --

-What?
-Just listen.

-What the hell?
Okay, you know what?

where are you?

-I'm at the Appleton
County Jail.

-Okay, I'm coming to get you.
-No, no, no, Sarah.

Do not come and get me.

Listen, this is why
I'm calling.

Listen very carefully.

You cannot leave
the house, okay?

No matter who comes to the door,
don't let them in.

If someone calls you like Bob,
don't answer, okay?

He's a dangerous man.

-Jesus, Joel.

My love life
is none of your business.

Wait, how do you
even know his name?

-Because he's a m*rder*r,
okay, he will f*cking tell you.

Do you understand me, Sarah?
-All right, then, I'm leaving.

-No, no. Sarah?

Hey, have I told you
how nice of a mustache you have?

If I could grow one,
I would grow in just like yours.

I'm just going to make
a real quick --

-Ooh, no. Can't do that.
It's called one phone call.

You get one phone call.
Just one phone call.

Thank you.

Pop him in cage one, Matt?
-Yeah. Then come back for her.

-Okie doke. Come on, bud.
-Please, please.

If you could just --
please, just let me.

I swear --
-Come on back.

-All right.

- Did you talk,
you f*cking f*ck?

-Son of a b*tch.

Hey, settle, easy.

Yeah, baby!

Yeah!

I almost shot you!

-Come on.

Hands.

Oh, golly,
she really nailed you.

Hey?

-You okay?

Needed a distraction.

-Oh.

Distraction.
Yeah, I knew that.

I'm fine.

I mean, maybe in the future,
if you just want to warn me

about your plans prior

so I can be ready.

Maybe we could fake it.
I don't know.

It just kind of harts.

You know, I tried to warn Sarah
about Bob,

but she didn't even believe me.

-Yeah, she just thinks
you're being a jealous weirdo,

which you kind of are,
I guess.

Here's a tip.
You ready?

You can't force a person
to feel something

or trick them into loving you.

You're not entitled to that.

Okay, so now you feel stupid.
It's a good first step.

You just got to up
your game a bit,

get your head out of your a*s.

If you can face down a
f*cking knife wielding cannibal,

you can do anything.

-Yeah.

Yeah, I did face him down,
kind of.

Threw intestines out him.

That means it's something

I almost got out
of that circle, too.

I mean, I had you fooled.

So, who's Mr. Midnite?

-When I was a kid,
he k*lled somebody close to me.

Turned my life
into a living hell.

Cops never found him.

By now, he's probably dead
or somebody I already k*lled,

or I don't know,
maybe he's still out there.

The name was just something
I made up.

I thought it sounded deep.

-So, was that like
how you became who you are?

-That and the organization.

-Right, the organization.

What was the name
of that organization again?

You told me earlier.

No.

-Oh, hey there.

How can I help you?

-Special Agent Jack Felder

looking for
a couple m*rder suspects.

-Figure people like this would
be on some kind of list.

-Yeah, that's why I'm here.

They've been on the bureau's
list for quite some time.

-Hey, that's him!
That's him!

Arrest him, sh**t him, k*ll him!
That's him!

The real estate guy
we talked about,

the guy that's
dating my roommate. That's him

-Oh, drop the act.

You have a lot to answer for,
Buddy,

but when I'm done here,

I'm gonna go see your roommate

and she's gonna give me
everything I need

to wrap...things...up.

-Oh, come on.
I feel like you can hear

what he's saying
to me right now.

Can you --
-I can hear what he's saying

to you,
and everything is perfect.

You're absolutely right,
Special Agent Felder.

-Come on.
That's a fake mustache.

-You don't insult
a man's mustache!

You don't insult
a man's mustache!

I am gonna m*rder your face!

You don't insult
a man's mustache!

Give me my g*n.
Give me --

Just one.
-You see what I mean?

He's psychotic, delusional,
a sexual deviant.

-No.
-A real sociopath.

You two are lucky he didn't
kamikaze you out in the hallway.

-I can't believe a guy
was such a charming smile

be able to k*ll
those people like that.

- Well, it's this one
I'm really worried about.

She's unpredictable,

unstable.

Hmm?

To tell you
the God's honest truth,

I'm not percent sure
who she really is

or why these two
are working together,

but what I do know is that
she's extremely dangerous.

But they're safely under lock
and key, right, boys?

Is there a place where we can go
and talk the details, you know,

away from these two maniacs?

-Cap's office.
-Yeah.

-Meet you there.
-No, don't leave.

Don't -- don't leave.
Don't trust him.

-I will -- I'm that close.

You got your time.

-I a rock hard right now.

Mm-hmm.

See you later.

-Hey, keep picking the lock
so we can get out of here.

-Alright, Jack, here's
the evidence you asked for.

Did you listen to that?

-No, no, no, no.

he did not want
to give it to us,

so, yeah,
I'm excited to listen to it.

Got to be something
juicy on here.

-Well, let's give a little
listen, shall we?

-Hm.

-...the city lights.

Rain falls like
drops of poison.

Windshield wiper slash
like deadly knives

on the corner --
-Oh.

-That's f*cking terrible.

-What was he trying to
establish?

Jesus Christ.

- Awful

-Here you are, detective.

So, what else do we have
in here, huh?

-Oh, just knives,
and it's a pretty grim box.

I've got to tell you,
a murderous pawnshop.

-Yeah, a little black book.

Took that off Jane Doe.

-Hm.

Gentlemen.

Things are much worse
than I expected.

-Hello?

Cool.

Sorry, Mr. Policeman

- Oh, jeez.

Alright, okay.

-g*dd*mn it, Tony!

- Let's see if Tony needs a hand.

He probably blew a circuit
with that g*dd*mn

popcorn maker
in the evidence locker again.

-Yeah.
-Jesus Christ.

You know what?
I'm taking this.

Don't want you fellas
finishing this

before I get back here.

-Well, you put your fears
to bed there, Jesse,

because the only way you are not
finishing that bottle

with us tonight
is if you drop dead.

-Hope not.

I'm the only thing
my stepdaughter Sharon

has in the world.

I'mma check on Tony.

-I'm making a move.

-Oh, sh*t.

- Nice!

I mean, nice.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Come on

-Tony?

Tony?

Tony, g*dd*mn it.

Tony!

This freaking bullshit.

Tony!

You're unbelievable.
Fine, I'll do it myself.

Tony?

sh*t.

Ah, sh*t.

f*cking Tony.

There we go.

What the f*ck?

No.

-Was that regulation
rain jacket?

- Glass thuds.

-Try it on.
-Yeah?

-I'm sure the cap won't mind.

-Alright.

-Ooh.
-Ha.

-It's nice, right?
-Feels good.

Feels real good.

And it's waterproof?
-Like a duck's a*s.

-Ha.
-Perfect fit.

Yeah.

Hmm.

That's right.

Like a duck's a*s.

Jesus Christ!

Do not sneak up on people
like that.

-Did I scare you?

-This is serious.

Where is Mike?
We need to wrap things up.

You two need to cool it.

Let's go.

Well, for f*ck's sake.

-Bob, they're not here.

-Yes, keen observation,
Michael.

Hold this.
Thank you.

I did find out some very
interesting news

about our good friend Carrie.

-What?

What?

Come on, we're free.

Hey.

-What? Did I beat you too hard?
Get out of here.

-Are you coming with me?
-No, I got a job to do.

Beat it.
-You said you'd help me

save Sarah.
I can't do that.

-Look, none of this would be
happening if it weren't for you.

If you stay here, you'll
just screw things up.

-But I thought --
-Jesus, take a f*cking hint.

I...don't...need you.

-Stupid mannequin.

-No!

She's fine.

She doesn't need you.
She said it herself.

Damn it, Carrie.

-Hello?

-Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

What the f*ck?

Nose!
Knee!

Head!

Sarah!

-Oh, holy sh--

All those classes
are really working.

-Joel, what this place?
What is happening here?

-I can explain everything.
There's --

Oh. Oh, my God.

Yeah!

-She kind of does that.

-I'm guessing you're Sarah.
-Yes.

-You mind just waiting
outside for a minute?

-Yeah, sure. Yeah.
-That's good, yeah.

Okay?
-Okay, okay.

Sure.

- You came back.

-Well, I mean,
I was in the area.

-Can you just
hold that thought?

You were saying?

Carrie, Carrie, Carrie,
watch out!

Carrie.

-No.

No.

No!

f*ck!

Son of a --

Hey, douchebag.
Here's your one phone call.

Come on.

Let's go.
You can do it.

Sarah, start the car!

-Joel?

-Joel, what is going on?
-No, don't get out!

Start it!
We're safe now, okay?

Start the f*cking car!

-Oh, my God is that real.
What do you think?!

Get in the car!
Oh, my God. Okay.

Okay.

-Oh, my God. Is she dying?

-Just got to get her
to the hospital.

Ah, f*ck!

-Oh, my God. Is that Bob?

- Just go!

-We need a doctor!

I want -- I want the drugs.

Give me all the drugs.

Anything you got,
just put it in me.

-Okay, here we go.

-Oh, Jesus Christ.
What happened here?

-I fell down some stairs.

-Okay.
-Okay.

Oh, oh, is this going to hurt
as much as that did?

-Yes.
-Okay. Wait.

Maybe we can cho--
-Shh, shh.

God, f*ck!

Oh, f*ck you!
f*ck you!

I'm sorry,
I shouldn't be striking you.

You're just doing your job.
I hate you! I don't hate you.

Actually, it's not so bad.

Oh, f*ck!

-Okay. Ah, so just tell me why
we can't call the police again.

-Just because.
Trust me, Sarah.

-Joel, that just sounds insane.

-I know, but it's true.

And I mean, Carrie, she's
the only reason I'm even alive.

-So, is she your girlfriend?

-What? No.

Carrie? No.

She's just like...

this badass friend.

Stop. She's a friend
just like you, okay?

-Yeah, well, you're definitely
a good friend.

I mean, you did save me from
dating a serial k*ller, so...

-So, your friend
is going to be okay.

Those are a very
serious injuries.

She lost a lot of blood
and she's pretty weak,

but she's tough, yeah.

Must be the eyeliner.

Anyway, we contacted
the precinct about your attack,

but the phone lines
seem to be down.

So, anyway, try not to worry
about her, okay?

She's going to be okay.
She is in good hands.

Oh, that's --

Alright, okay.

-Oh my God.

Hey!

Oh, no you don't!

-I'm gonna k*ll you.
I'm gonna k*ll you.

-Jesus.

- Good luck.

-Hey, I didn't --

I didn't even gag.

Oh, hey, hey, are you okay?

-Yeah.

I was mulling things over,
doing post op,

and I've come to the conclusion
that I could use an intern.

-We've got to get out of here.
Come on, help me up.

- Right, yeah.

-Okay.

Wha--
Son of a b*tch.

It was a good idea.

Hello?

Ah, great.

I'll get a double chili dog,
thank you.

Oh, pack of Jubjubs,
some licorice whips, large Coke

and I got one of these popcorn.

If you can just put a bunch
of the liquid buttery stuff

all over the popcorn,
both in the middle and the top.

-Yeah, sorry, we're actually
closed for the season.

-Oh.

What are you doing here?

-Just restocking the shelves.

-On the off season?

-Got to keep busy.

-Okay, gotcha. I'm just gonna
use the can quick,

and I'll be out of your hair.
-It's out of order.

-Oh, nonsense. Just number one.
I'll be super quick.

-Hey, did you hear me?

I said it was out of order.

-Grab some snacks.
I'll help her out with that.

-Copy that.

Whoo!
Let's roll.

-You forgot something?

-No, cotton candy, pretzels,
Jubjubs, popcorn.

What more can you want?

Right. Yup.
Getting it, getting it.

Sorry about that.

-Clock's ticking.

Oh, nice.

Who could I play.

Oh.

Got it.

Sorry.
-You didn't puke.

-No, I didn't.
-You gag?

-Yeah, I gagged.

-Your meter's broken...

b*tch.

-Well, Maggie,
can you send in some writers?

I got an idea.

Cab drivers.

Yeah, I'm gonna call it
"Taxi Cab Driller."

Yeah, I know.

Oh, yeah.
It's f*cking genius, isn't it?

I'm back. I'm back, baby.
I'm back.

What a d*ck.