Muppets Haunted Mansion (2021)

[bunniefuu]

(SONG PLAYING)

GONZO: (HOWLING)

Oh, we get it almost every night

And when that moon gets big and bright

It's a supernatural delight

GONZO: Whoopee!

Everybody's dancin' in the moonlight

(LAUGHING) Happy Halloween!

Wow. I can't believe the invitation
came with this free limo ride.

Sí, sí. All the fancy
Hollywood mansion parties have limos.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Which is why
all my girlfriends are texting.

- Oh, what are they saying?
- (DINGING)

Uh, all good things.

- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Oh.

- Hello.
- Hi-h*, Gonzo.

Hey, Kermit. What a great costume.

Uh, thanks. Uh, Piggy thought
it would be funny if we both...

Hi-h*! (CHUCKLES) Guess who I am?

I'm Kermit, and Kermit is me. Get it?

- Go on, say it, say it. Come on.
- No. Mmm-mmm.

(SIGHS) Uh, hey, Kermie, who is the most
amazing girl in the universe?

Yes, Piggy. You are.

Yay! (LAUGHING)

- Uh, guess who wrote that? (GRUNTS)
- I did. It was me. I did. (LAUGHING)

- Candy corn. What is this? Christmas?
- So, Gonzo, uh, when are you gettin' here?

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I actually can't come to the party.

Oh. Oh, no. Why not?

Well, you remember my favorite magician,
The Great MacGuffin?

- Is he the guy with the fish?
- You rang?

- No, we did not.
- Okay.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, tonight is the th anniversary
of MacGuffin's disappearance.

- Disappearance?
- GONZO: Yeah.

And there's a special,
once-in-a-lifetime fear challenge

in the mansion where it happened.

Oh, wow. What's the challenge?

To spend the night in the most
haunted mansion in the world.

KERMIT: That sounds like
your kinda night, Gonzo.

- Hmm.
- We're sure gonna miss you.

Thanks. But if I can't
pull off a great stunt like this,

then what's the use
of calling me The Great Gonzo?

You know, you don't have to be
"The Great Gonzo" to be great, Gonzo.

- Uh, say there, Kermit.
- Oh! (CHUCKLES) Scooter, you look great.

Oh, uh... Thank you, thank you very much.

- Uh, the Chef's carving pumpkins.
- Oh, well, that sounds...

- (ROARING)
- (SCREAMING)

- Mercy.
- Okay, I gotta go, Gonzo.

Uh, but don't forget the Halloween
breakfast tomorrow morning.

- (SCREAMING)
- Hey, pumpkin!

- I think we're having pumpkin pancakes.
- (SCREAMS)

- (GRUNTS)
- (CONTINUES SCREAMING)

Bye.

GONZO: You know, Pepé?

I kinda feel bad
that we're not going to the party.

(SCOFFS) Every year,
same things, same Muppens.

Uh, we see them all the times.

Tonight, we go to the big mansions party.

For the last time, it's not a party.
It's a Halloween challenge.

(SCOFFS) Talk about a challenge.

Try getting a date for this party, okay?

- (TIRES SCREECH)
- Oh!

(GRUNTS)

All righty, boys. This is the place.

- Are you sure about this?
- Oh, yeah.

And could we set
a pick-up time for the morning?

Oh, that won't be necessary.

I always drop folks off here,
but I never seem to pick them up.

- (SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)
- Huh?

- Every time.
- Well, we're gonna be the first.

- We'll see you in the morning.
- Mmm-hmm.

Heard that before.

Um, speaking of pick-ups,
how'd you like to be my plus one?

Dead prawn walking.

That's a no. (CLEARS THROAT)

Huh.

Whoa, will ya take a look at this place?

Yeah. No one here. Where's the parties?

(CREAKS)

(GASPS) Oh, my goodness. Cool.

PEPÉ: (LAUGHS)

Oh, I love these rich Hollywood types.

Pulling out all the stops
and the moneys, okay. (LAUGHS)

I bet they'll hand us swag bags
with great parting gifts.

(SCOFFS) You mean de-parting gifts.

Uh, I don't get it. What do you mean?

What you talking about?

(BATS CHIRPING)

- Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What, what, what?

GONZO: Listen.

- Oh, there's somebody there.
- What? Who?

- (CROWS CAWING)
- (CLINKING)

- Hello?
- (GASPS)

- Who's there?
- We're here for the parties.

(CHUCKLES)

- Party?
- (CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(WHIMPERS)

- What party?
- Oh, the Great MacGuffin's anniversary.

(WHIMPERING)

- Oh, dear.
- Hey, uh, Mr. Tomb...

(SHUSHES) Please. Don't wake them up.

Wake 'em up? Wake who up?

Please, oh, please
Though they're all deceased

I beg of you on bended knee

Please, oh, please
Let them rest in peace

For once they start, they never cease

Oh, it's like a show.

You see, here lies Good Old Fred

A great big rock fell on his head

And in peaceful rest lies Brother Claude
Planted here beneath this sod

There's the first lady of opera
Haunting Harriet

Searched for a tune
But never could carry it

(VOCALIZING)

BOTH: Ah!

BOTH: (LAUGHING)

Poor cousin Maude who never awoke

The night her dreams went up in smoke

(BLOWS)

Please, oh, please
Though they're all deceased

We must beware the spirits' release

Rest in peace, Cousin Huet

We all know you didn't do it

(CHUCKLES)

Mary wrote mysteries with masterful quill

Not knowing the ink of words could k*ll

So, please, oh, please
Let them rest in peace

Once they start, they never cease

And right before your very eyes

As the moon climbs high
O'er the dead oak tree

Spooks arrive for the midnight spree

Creepy creeps with eerie eyes
Start to shriek and harmonize

Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize

Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize

- ALL: (CACKLING)
- (HOWLING)

- Whoa!
- (LAUGHS)

- (THUNDER RUMBLING)
- Uh-oh.

Come on, enough of this
spooky-dooky pre-show.

- Let's go inside for the parties.
- Okay.

PEPÉ: (LAUGHING)

BOTH: (PANTING)

- Oh!
- (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Welcome, foolish Muppets.

BOTH: Ooh.

Ah, the Great Gonzo.
I'm so glad you accepted the invitation.

Thank you for sending it, Mister, um...

I shall be your host this evening.

Your ghost host.

- (LAUGHS)
- (SIGHS)

Ooh, you're very scaries. (LAUGHS)

Well, hello there. Who might you be?

Oh, this is my friend Pepé.
He loves parties.

Are there, uh, a lot
of the famous peoples inside?

(IN SPANISH) Yes, sir. Very famous.

- Oh, do you speak Spanish?
- (IN ENGLISH) No.

Now, if you would please walk this way.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

(DOOR CREAKS)

- Now, if I may.
- (DOOR CLOSES)

A few rules regarding tonight's
very special Halloween challenge.

- Yes, do tell.
- (CLEARS THROAT)

"Within these walls
Are your fears and your frights

"Face them all bravely
To survive through the night...

(GASPS) He's rhyming.

"For if by sunrise you fail this endeavor

"Then you y tu amigo
Must remain here forever"

BOTH: Dun, dun, dun!
GONZO: Whoa!

- Oh, boy. (LAUGHS)
- Nice one, guys.

So, let me make sure I got this.

Uh, we just have to survive
the night in this haunted mansion?

BOTH: Dun, dun, dun!

Dun, dun.

Uh, no.
That's too many "dun duns," isn't it?

Well, I thought we discussed
"Shave and a Haircut."

- No. He wanted "ominous sting," didn't he?
- SKELETON: Oh, right.

- Like... Dun, dun, dun!
- Dun, dun.

- Sorry.
- SKELETON: I'm new.

- We'll work this out.
- What I do wrong?

- I'm new at everything.
- MUMMY: Let's have some tea.

Take it over there. That'd be great.

Now, if you'll follow me, gentlemen.

- And no flash pictures, please.
- GONZO: Oh.

The spirits are frightfully
sensitive to bright lights.

- Oh, they're sensitive. Who knew?
- Okay.

(CHUCKLES)

So, please you could point me
to the VIP room, por favor,

to mingle with the Beyoncés,
the Ryan Goslings, the Bard Pitts.

I'm sorry.
My friend's a bit of an acquired taste.

(IN SPANISH) Oh, not for me.

His accent reminds me
of my youthful days in Málaga.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) I know. I know all.

- BOTH: Dun, dun, dun!
- Dun, dun.

Oh, you've done it again, haven't you?

(STUTTERS) I've dun-dun it twice.

MUMMY: It's just not
spine-chilling, is it?

- Being scary is hard. Sorry.
- Sorry, sorry. Sorry.

Anyway, I am sorry
about that big... We just...

- They don't get a lot of visitors.
- Hmm.

I really love these portraits.
The subjects look vaguely familiar.

- PEPÉ: Hmm.
- Yes. Everything here will seem familiar.

Your eyes may deceive you,

as the spirits respond
to your sympathetic vibrations.

Sounds awesome.

Yeah. Sí, sí, sí.

Uh, but where's the famous people's room?

Because we are the celebrities,
we are the Muppets.

- (CREAKING)
- (GASPS) Oh!

- Oh!
- (GASPS)

- Oh, cool.
- Gonzo, it's like a fun house.

Is this haunted room actually stretching
or is it (ECHOES) your imagination?

(CAPTIVATING MUSIC PLAYING)

GONZO: Whoa...
PEPÉ: Whoo.

You know what? I just realized
this room has no windows and no doors.

Which offers this chilling challenge...
To find a way out. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

GONZO: Wait, wait a minute.
A way out of the room or out of the house?

What?

You're kinda k*lling the moment here.
I meant the room.

- Sorry.
- (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(SCREAMING)

- BOTH: (SCREAMING)
- Huh?

Okay, first of all, where did he go,

and second of all,
what is your problem, okay?

BOTH: (SCREAM)

PEPÉ: I found the way out.

Secret door? Classic.

- (PANTS)
- GOAT: (SCREAMS)

Okay, this is the last time I'm gonna say,

this better lead
to the party people's room.

Pepé, don't you get it yet?

This is not some silly Halloween party.

This place is really haunted.

Okay, okay,
if I don't see some champagne c*ck

and horsey derves ASPCA, I'm outta here.

Well, whatever you say.
Come on, I think the ghost is clear.

Oh, very funnies. The ghost is clear,
like the coast is clear.

Don't worry, folks, we're not
gonna be explaining all the jokes.

(WHOOPS)

- Wow.
- (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

GONZO: Wow.
PEPÉ: (CHUCKLES)

Look at this guy and his red fish.

Who would even pay
to watch them do anything?

- It's him.
- Who?

The Great MacGuffin.

It was years ago tonight

that he disappeared
from this very mansion.

Imagine, I could be standing on the very
spot where The MacGuffin once stood.

See, I'd like to be standing
where the party is, okay?

(GROANS)

- Hola, party peoples! Bard Pitts!
- Wow.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Ooh, cobwebs.

(GASPS AND CRIES)

Whoo, nice one.

- (GROWLS)
- (SCREAMING)

I had so hoped
we'd have a bigger cameo, Beaky.

- (MEEPS)
- Budget.

(WHINES)

(SCREAMS)

Hmm...

(CLEARS THROAT)

(PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hola, celebrities, I'm here. (LAUGHS)

- Will ya look at that?
- You're Juan Stanz-most.

- Uh, close.
- But where are the, uh, famous peoples?

Oh, who needs famous people
when you have the two of us?

- Oh!
- BOTH: (CHUCKLING)

You are an impossibly handsome man.

(CHUCKLES) You, my friend,
are an impossibly handsome...

- King prawn. Mmm.
- King prawn.

- Juan?
- JOHN: Yeah?

I don't know if you noticed this,
but this place is crazies.

You know what? Because you're so famous,

I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret, okay?

My most famous secret.
Would you like to hear it?

- Oh, yes.
- Come a little closer.

- Okay.
- Little closer.

- Yeah.
- Not that close, it's the breath.

- Plankton. Mmm.
- You ready?

(ROARS)

PEPÉ: (YELPING)

Jeepers creepers.
Jeepers creepers. Oh! (SHUDDERS)

(SCREAMS)

Pepé! Pepé! Whoa! Whoa! Take it easy.

This place is crazy.

With all the smokes
and the mirrors and the animaltronics.

- I'm outta here.
- But, uh...

(GASPS) How did you...

- I'm outta here!
- Uh...

(SCREAMS)

- Pepé?
- (WHIMPERS)

(THUDDING)

(TICKING)

(DOOR CREAKING)

(WHIMPERING)

- Gonzo.
- (GRUNTS)

- How did you...
- Don't ask. Peel me.

(GRUNTS) Okay.

- (PANTING)
- (GRUNTS)

You were stuck there.

WOMAN: Serpents and spiders...
GONZO: Whoa! A séance.

- A what? A why... What is it?
- Come on.

WOMAN: ...calling the spirits,
wherever they're at.

- This just keeps getting better.
- I don't think so.

Pumpkins and ghoulies
from last Halloween,

awaken the spirits with your tambourine.

Creepies and crawlies, toads in a pond...

- Come, come on.
- PEPÉ: No, no.

...let there be music from regions beyond.

- (GROANS)
- GONZO: Wow!

That is amazing, how are you doing that?

(IN FRENCH) Excusez-moi,

(IN ENGLISH) but you are interrupting
the mysterious Madame Pigota.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Stop. Will you turn it down?
I can't hear myself think.

- Take five, everybody.
- WOMAN: What?

Break time! Break time!

- Fer sure.
- Groovy.

Whoa, we're not taking a break,
who said break?

Oh, I could've sworn she called a break.

It's like a union thing, right?

No, you heard the hog's head, guys.
Time to dematerialize.

- Wait, where you going? No, no...
- (CHUCKLES)

(GROANS)

Great. Hey, since you're on a break,

can you contact somebody
from the great beyond?

(SCOFFS) I wish,
but the Wi-Fi in here's lousy.

(SCOFFS) It's like a total dead zone.

- Ugh.
- You know what else is lousy?

This my biggest scene
in this whole special,

and they stick my head in a fish bowl.

I think we should go.

Uh... (SPEAKS SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) Uh, do you foresee
a way out of here for us?

(SIGHS) Fine.

(TAMBOURINE PLAYING)

Pumpkin spice lattes and a vampire bat,

you must find a door with a glowing exat.

- "Exat"?
- PIGOTA: (SIGHS)

I don't know,
you try and rhyme with "bat."

Oh, uh, fat, rat, hat.

- (DINGS)
- MAN: How you doin'?

Uh, right this way, and I prefer "Husky."

- Oh.
- Hmm. Okay, go, go, go, go.

GONZO: Wow!

She is good.

Tips are encouraged.

Oh, uh, don't trust free cheese.

- Quick, quick, quick.
- Hmm...

Kim! Kimmy, yoo-hoo!
There's a smudge on the crystal again.

- Yes, Madame. Yes, Madame.
- A little higher.

Thank you.

(SIGHS)

- (SNEEZES) Oh, for crying out loud.
- (CROW CAWS)

- Pepé? Which way?
- Hmm? Out.

- Uh...
- (TRAIN WHISTLING)

What?

Whoa! Cool!

- (SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)
- Choo-choo! Coming through!

- Run!
- Oh!

- (SCREAMS)
- (GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

BOTH: (GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

Oh... (SIGHS)

(LAUGHS)

I knew there'd be rides! (LAUGHING)

Welcome aboard!

- How you doing, Pepé?
- I wanna go home. I wanna go home...

(SCREAMS)

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

Hmm. Happy Halloween!

- (CACKLES)
- Happy birthday to me.

- Hap... Oh! (SHUDDERS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh, my love, dancing with you
makes me feel so light on my feet.

That's because we don't have feet.

BOTH: (LAUGHING)

I just adore the decor, don't you?

Why? Do you like things
that are old and decrepit?

I'm dancing with you, aren't I?

HOWARD: So what are you doing
for Thanksgiving?

Oh, some of my ghoul friends
are having me for dinner.

Awkward.

What?

Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Here we go and one.

BEVERLY: One, two, three... Thank you.
HOWARD: Very good.

BEVERLY: (CHUCKLES)

BOTH: Draw.

BOTH: (GRUNTING)

- No.
- Boo! (CACKLING)

(SCREAMING)

- Whoa! Whoa!
- (CRASHES)

- (SCREAMS)
- My God!

- Oh!
- Wha...

Hmm. That was unsafe.

- ALL: (GRUNTING)
- You fellas okay?

Yeah, fine.

(GRUNTS) Good.

Uh, sorry, everybody, food's here.

- Mmm.
- (SIGHS)

I says to him, I says,
"See through you?" (GASPS)

Well, you finally
got the party you wanted.

What? Are you crazy?
I said famous peoples, not scary peoples.

(WHOOPS)

Hey, it's a gig,
and I get all the bones I can chew.

Uh, until they want 'em back. (CHUCKLES)

(MUSIC STOPS)

And now it's showtime!

(AMUSING MUSIC PLAYS)

Thank you, thank you,
and welcome to The Mansion Show.

- Boo!
- (ALL APPLAUDING)

Now, we have got
a great show for you tonight, folks,

guaranteed to tickle your funny bones.

- (DRUM PLAYS)
- MAN: That was pretty good.

- So... Boils and ghouls...
- Oh, how about that?

...please welcome
our very own Gauzey The Hatbox Bear!

Hiya, hiya, hiya.
Boy, you're a scary audience.

Usually I'm worried about dying up here,
but it looks like you beat me to it.

- Boo! Boo!
- (DRUM PLAYS)

GAUZEY: Oh, no, not you guys.

Don't you have anything
better to do than boo me?

- We're ghosts.
- Yeah, booing comes with the territory.

- (LAUGHS)
- BOTH: Boo! Boo!

Wait, wait, I haven't told my best joke.

What happens if you don't
pay your exorcism bill?

You get repossessed! Shocka-wocka!

ALL: (LAUGHING)

- Terrible.
- This guy's not funny.

Sí, sí. And his head came off.

Okay, okay, wasn't that great, folks?

- ALL: No! No!
- Ugh. (GROANS) Ooh!

Hold on.

Looks like we have some
new ghosts... I mean, guests. (CHUCKLES)

- (CREAKS)
- Oh!

- Ah!
- (DRUM ROLL)

Fiends, omens, and bogeymen,
lend me your fears. (CHUCKLES)

We come not to praise Gonzo,
but to bury him.

Oh!

And his little amigo, too.

- BOTH: (GASPING)
- We now invite you to sit back and relax,

as our residents
proudly present... your funeral.

Welcome to the life hereafter

Sleepless nights, eternal laughter

Buy the farm, push up some daisies

Come get down with us creepy crazies

Hi, wanna come play with me?

Frights du jour

And daily nightmares

Ghoulish scares to raise your neck hairs

If you think it's too macabre

Follow the floating candelabra

But he ain't French and he can croon

(CHUCKLES) We did that
In a beastly cartoon

She was a beauty

We'll never rest
We'll never cease

Till you finally rest in peace

You can fly and you can float

Or you can scream just like a goat

(SCREAMS)

But to quench your endless questions

First you must sleep down with the fishes

Hey! Hold on, I'm not sleepy! (SCREAMS)

Rain or snow

Lightning or thunder

The party is down here six feet under

BOTH: (GASPING)

Trick or treat?

Take a smell of my feet

And give me something good to eat

You're all alone

But don't be scared

We've got your wake all pre-prepared

Hi, I'm serving soup.

It's a cream mock tortoise and a yummy
red that pairs with rigor mortis.

(CACKLES)

It's all so dopey
I'm complaining

At least it's almost entertaining

- BOTH: (LAUGHING)
- Huh?

- What the...
- ANNOUNCER: Your attention, please.

Please remain seated in your doom buggy,

and we will continue our tour momentarily.

Oh, no.

The only thing worse
than being stuck in here with you

- is being stuck in here with them.
- BOTH: (LAUGHING)

We tell jokes

I do tricks

With my deadly candlesticks

(BOOMING)

BOTH: (LAUGHING)

Come on now and lift your glass

Filled with poisoned sassafras

(SPEAKING SWEDISH)

(LAUGHS)

(IN ENGLISH) Sign your bill
Deed, and trust

Guess it's time to bite the dust

Cash in your chips, we're not joking

Now's the time you should be croaking

You're so great, none can compare

No one has your savoir faire

It's time to turn your whole life story
Into a momento mori

Corpse by corpse and one by one
Until you shout, "My life is done"

So join us in this life hereafter

Now the greatest act of all

It's Gonzo's final curtain call

From the basement to the rafters

Join us in the great hereafter

You'll be great forever after

In our monstrous life hereafter

For our afterparty afterlife

Rest in peace

RIP

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- GONZO: (LAUGHS)

Yes! Yes, a thousand times yes.

Sí. And one time no way, José.

That was incredible.

Oh, thank you.
(CHUCKLES) We're here all week,

and all year,
and also through all eternity.

Lucky. How did you die?

Who, me? Oh, I croaked.

Ah, good one.

Uh, how'd you die? On stage?

I'm dead?

Oh, dear.

BUTLER: I must say, Gonzo...

You don't seem at all frightened.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, nothing scares me.

Well... We shall see about that.

- ALL: Dun, dun, dun!
- (GASPS)

Oh, we've missed it, haven't we?

And it was a big one, too.

- Sorry.
- Sorry!

- That's disappointing.
- Enough.

Gonzo, let's get outta here.
If we don't go now, we're gonna...

(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(LATIN AMERICAN MUSIC PLAYING)

Why, hello there,
short, red, and crustaceous.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Do you speak Spanish?

Yes, and you?

(IN ENGLISH) Yes. I, I mean, uh...

(IN SPANISH) Yes, my handsome...

- (IN ENGLISH) uh, gumbo.
- (IN SPANISH) Prawn.

- (IN ENGLISH) Yeah.
- But close enough.

- BOTH: (LAUGHING)
- Yes.

- (SIGHS)
- PEPÉ: Hmm.

So do you believe in love at first sight,
or should I float by again?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- You don't go nowheres.
- (CHUCKLES)

PEPÉ: (CHUCKLES)

You know, this party's dead.

Why don't you and I leave, jumbo?

Sí. Sí, we should...

Did you just call me "jumbo"?

Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice
that you are a king (ECHOES) prawn.

- PEPÉ: (GASPS) Oh!
- (CHUCKLES)

(STUTTERS) Say again?

You are a king prawn.

- (GRUNTS)
- Oh, just come here. You okay?

- Okay.
- Okay, come with me.

- Okay.
- (LAUGHS)

It appears the prawn
has made a friend, Gonzo.

But since you aren't busy,
I'd like to show you something.

Cool, I hope it's finally something scary.

Well, you may consider yourself
to be fearless, Gonzo,

but everyone is afraid of something.

Not me.

You can unscrew my head,

take a look inside,
and you wouldn't find a single fear.

That could be arranged.

Cool.

Now, here comes your challenge.

Of all the guests we've ever had,
of all the doors within these halls,

there is but one room
no one has ever dared to enter.

Ooh, what's that? The shark room?
The lava pit? The Critics' Circle?

Room .

- BOTH: Dun, dun...
- No, not now, not now.

Da.

Uh, how do I find room ?

This shall illuminate your way.

- (CAPTIVATING MUSIC PLAYING)
- GONZO: Ooh.

All right. Um, but what if I, uh...

Huh.

(GASPS)

- Yes?
- GONZO: Uh, nothin'. (CHUCKLES)

Did I... scare you?

No, I love this. Come on.

The key is to face your fears,
no matter how terrifying.

- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
- Ooh!

Indoor lightning. Fantastic.

CONSTANCE AND PEPÉ: (LAUGHING)

PEPÉ: Oh, you're funny.

CONSTANCE: Oh, you are so cute.

- Oh, I know.
- BOTH: (CHUCKLE)

- Oh, stop it. (LAUGHS)
- I won't, I won't.

- Oh, you know what you are?
- What?

- King (ECHOES) prawn.
- (GASPS)

Yes, you are my big, jumbo, king prawn.

(CHUCKLES)

- Oh, get up, silly. (LAUGHS)
- What happened?

Oh, so this is where
I spend most of my time.

- Amongst my memories. (CHUCKLES)
- PEPÉ: Oh.

Resting, scrapbooking, doing yoga,

(GASPS) sharpening cutlery.

Whoa, it's, uh, so cozies.

(SIGHS) But mostly,

all I would hope for is to meet
someone just like you, Pepper.

Uh, Pepé.

- Oh, Pepé...
- PEPÉ: (SPEAKING SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) I can't hide my feelings
for you any longer.

Really?

CONSTANCE: Really. (GASPS)

I could just eat you alive,
my sweet, warm meat. Hmm.

Okay. I...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Wow, that's a new one, Sal.

I don't think she's ever
eaten anyone before, has she?

(BLOWS LIPS) Yeah, she never tried
to eat me or Alberta.

- Yeah.
- Well, she did nibble my neck once.

- Before she snapped it, so lovingly.
- (QUACKS)

What's wrong with him?

How should I know? I never married her.

- Oh, Pepé.
- Hmm?

I just want to smother you in my love.

- I want to k*ll you with kindness.
- Oh-h*...

- I want to drown you in kisses.
- Oh!

Well, I can hold my breath a long time.

BOTH: (CACKLING)

Let's be married, you and I

You'll be my groom
And I will be your bride

We'll spend forever side by side

Imagine that, what a spooky ride!

Stuck together for eternity

Till death do we part, is this for me?

I'm sure, por favor

That I perceive
Forever, my love, just you and me

Don't hide your love and act so shy

How could I resist
Since you caught my eye?

Haunting each other, dusk till dawn

I'll be your wife

And I will be your prawn

-Stuck together for eternity
-Stuck together for eternity

-Till death, we are dancing in harmony
-Till death, we are dancing in harmony

If her spooky vibes give you the creeps

Be careful, pal, she plays for keeps

I was chopped up!

I was drowned!

Hey, I was buried in that kooky ground

Sorry.

(QUACKING)

What's the matter with you?
You can't say that. This is a family show.

What are you doing?

-Haunting each other, dusk till dawn
-Haunting each other, dusk till dawn

I'll be your wife

And I will be your prawn!

- (THUDS)
- (MUSIC STOPS)

(CACKLES)

- (SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)
- (BANGING AT DOORS)

MAN : (SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING CONTINUES)

MAN : Let me out of here!

WOMAN: (MOANING INDISTINCTLY)

(WAILING)

So, this is it.

The greatest challenge of my career.

I wonder if, uh... Gee.

Nobody says goodbye here.

They just ghost you.

- Oh, I get it.
- (CREAKS)

Hello? (ECHOING)

I'm not afraid of the dark, you know.

Or echoes.

Clever.

(LATCHES CLICKING)

Cool.

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)

- (CHUCKLES) Oh.
- Grape, please.

- (CHIRPING)
- (CHUCKLES)

- Hmm.
- (MUNCHING)

- Yuck.
- He ate the spiders.

You are so much better
than all my other axes.

Uh, axes?

- Oh. Oh, exes.
- Oh, oh, okay.

Just a few minor, youthful indiscretions,

but nothing for you
to lose your head over.

- Okay...
- BOTH: (CHUCKLING)

Just water under the bridge.

Mmm, yeah, it's because
she lopped off our heads.

Yeah, and threw our bodies
in the water under the bridge.

- Yeah! I mean, she...
- (GRUNTS)

Oh...

Okay. So let's see, I will need
something buried, something boo.

Something moldy and someone new.

- BOTH: (LAUGHING)
- Grape, por favor.

- Oh, sure. Oh!
- (BURPS)

- Excuse me.
- Mmm.

Uh, those grapes are funnies!
They tickle my tummies.

- (CHIRPS)
- Yes. Oh, Pepé.

PEPÉ: (CHUCKLES)

You have all the grapes you want.
I'm gonna fatten you up!

BOTH: (LAUGHING)

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey there, handsome.

Whoa! That's pretty cool.

Jinx! (LAUGHS)

Wait a second, this is fun.
I thought this was supposed to be scary.

Sometimes facing yourself
is the scariest thing in the world.

Not me, I'm not scared.

And you gotta admit,
I do look great in green.

No wonder Kermit is so popular.

You do look great, for now.

(CHOKING) Careful, my love.
I'm getting a little choked up.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

- Me too, mi amor.
- BOTH: (CHUCKLING)

Prepare the altar!

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)

- He's a goner.
- ALL: (CHUCKLING)

GONZO: You're saying that everyone here
is trapped in the mansion by their fear?

Yeah. All .

But there's always room for one more.

So, what are your fears?

I don't have any fears.

I've been shot out of a cannon.
Strapped to a rocket.

Gone skydiving without a parachute.

I've done it all and lived to tell.

Tell who? Looks to me
like you're all (ECHOING) alone.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

Aw, this reminds me of our wedding.

(CACKLES)

Oh. (GROANS)

Oh, here we go again. (CHUCKLES)

Sixth time's the charm,
they say. (CHUCKLES)

"They" being Henry VIII. (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

Dearly departed...

REFLECTION: (ECHOING) All alone.

(STUTTERS) I'm not alone!

- Look, you see, my friends are right here.
- (MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, guys, it's me, Gonzo! Guys?

This is the greatest Halloween party ever!

Yeah, well...

Even better than last year
when we did bobbing for tomatoes!

Depends on who you ask.

Yeah! Whoever heard
of bobbin' for tomatoes anyway?

- Am I right or wrong?
- You're not wrong.

Am I right? Am I wrong?

Kermit! Hey! Hey!

- Hello!
- They can't hear or see you.

Is it me? Or are you getting older?

It's you. (CACKLES)

GONZO: Wait! Where are you going?

I mean, where am I going?

REFLECTION: Great question.

Where are you going?

- (CACKLES)
- (SCREAMING)

- Having fun, chief?
- Uh, oh, uh, yeah, Scooter, yeah.

- I just wish Gonzo were here.
- Kermit!

Oh, you know him. He can't pass up
a chance to prove he's The Great Gonzo!

Well, that's just it, you know.

I tried to tell him, you don't have to be
The Great Gonzo to be great.

Just being you is good enough.

I never realized,
I am afraid of something.

I'm afraid nobody will care about me
if I'm not doing dangerous stunts.

And now... Now I'm afraid
of being trapped here forever.

Wha...

Oh, that's it!

The host said facing my fears was the key.

KERMIT: I propose a toast.

To The Great Gonzo,
who couldn't be here with us tonight.

Kermit.

Kermit, I might never be with you again.

That's what I'm really afraid of.

I'm afraid
I'll never see my friends again.

(CREAKS)

(GASPS) Let me outta here! (LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

- (DOOR UNLOCKS)
- Ah!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

I'm impressed, Gonzo. You did it.

Yes, I did. I faced my fears,
and we made it through the night.

Well, you did. But, uh...

Uh, where's Pepé?

I'm afraid he'll be
staying with us, forever.

(GASPS)

Uh, no. No!

Sounds like
he's about to be loved to death.

You, however, are free to go.

As long as you leave before the sun rises.

Oh. Uh...

No. No, no, no. I can't.

I won't leave here without Pepé.

Are you sure? There isn't much time.

Losing my friend is scarier
than any room in this mansion.

You tell me where he is.

Follow the light. Go!

All right!

- (PANTING)
- (ROARS)

I'm coming, Pepé!

- Shocka-wocka!
- GONZO: Uh-oh.

Kimmy, yoo-hoo! You missed a spot!

- Come and play with us, Gonzo.
- GONZO: No!

- Forever and ever, or not...
- GONZO: (GRUNTS)

- (GRUNTING)
- (CREAKING)

GONZO: Whoa!

Pepé! Whoa...

If any person, living or dead,

can show just cause as to why
these two may not be joined together,

- let them spook now or for...
- Yeah, don't get me started.

- Don't get him started.
- If I had a nickel.

- I don't know where to begin.
- I don't,

- but Alberta has something...
- Silence!

- Congratulations.
- Can I...

- True love.
- Where are you registered?

Can I summer with you?

(PANTING)

(CLEARS THROAT)
Yes, now, let's see, where was I?

Mmm, yes. I did the preamble.

It was exquisite, wasn't it?
Objections. Extensive.

- (panting)
- UNCLE DEADLY: Hmm...

I believe that you two have prepared
some special little vows for each other.

Yes, yes, yes, we have.

Um, would you like
to go first, my dearest?

(GARBLES)

(GRUNTS)

(GROWLS)

Whoa!

(CONTINUES GARBLING)

Okay, if you insist. I'll go.

Pepé, my one and only... Mmm...

- My sixth love. (CHUCKLES)
- (BLOWS NOSE)

My... No, my jumbo prawn.

(PANTING)

- Ah-ha!
- My king everything.

BOTH: (CHUCKLING)

UNCLE DEADLY: And finally,
we come to the big moment.

Pepé. I'm coming for ya.

Do you, Pepé the King Prawn,

take Constance Hatchaway
to be your awfully wedded wife?

Pepé.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, no! (YELPS)

In sickness and in heck.

- (SCREAMS)
- (GROWLS)

- Whoa!
- For eternity.

(SCREAMS)

Till death...

GONZO: Coochie coochie coo!

- (BURPS)
- Arriba!

I'm comin', Pepé!

Do your parts.

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Stop! Pepé, stop! You're gonna be
trapped in this house forever!

- Hmm.
- Ah! He's right.

And to be perfectly honest, dear fellow,

it's not all wakes and weddings.

- But she loves me. She calls me "jumbo."
- Yes.

- (LAUGHS)
- Pepé, remember sunrise.

Hey! How dare you
interrupt my wedding? (GROWLS)

Oh, yeah? Well, I have faced my fears,
and homicidal brides are not on the list.

Okay. What's happening here?

- This was definitely not in the rehearsal.
- (GRUNTS)

- What?
- Oh, that's it. I'm out.

(SCREAMS)

- (GRUNTS)
- Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

What are you doing, you little...

Pepé, let's go.

I got ya, buddy.

- Gonzo!
- (SCREAMING)

No! My love.

- BOTH: (GROANING)
- (WHIMPERS)

- (SIGHS)
- Oh.

I didn't expect to see you two... alive.

How was the party?

Wasn't a party! It was for reals!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

I guess I'll have to start over.

- I'm not a shrimp. I'm a king... Oh!
- No time!

Come on, come on, come on, come on!

Don't go. Don't go, stay!
Stay, it's such a fun place.

Do you want an encore? I'll sing for you.

- No, no, there's s'more.
- BOTH: (PANTING)

- Bring me some tacos!
- (SCREAMS)

Don't go. Stay. Stay! I'll write to you.

Let's go! (SCREAMS)

BOTH: (SCREAM)

No! I'm too young.

- Gentlemen, you...
- Didn't make it.

No, no, no. So many ladies to love.

- Dances to do. Monies to make. (BURPS)
- Whoa!

Why do I keep burping up little legs?

BUTLER: You are both...

free to go!

I... But... What?

- Did you say free to go?
- BUTLER: Indeed.

You did what no one else
has done before, Gonzo.

- Crash my wedding?
- I had to, Pepé.

She was gonna trap you
and torment you forever.

But what did you know about love?
You're dating a chicken.

Gonzo, you performed the greatest feat
a soul could ever achieve.

You faced your fear.
And that is the greatest act of all.

Something...

I could never do.

- Oh...
- You are The Great MacGuffin!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(IN ENGLISH) Give us a kiss, huh?

Okay, this is the creepiest thing
I've seen all night. Let's go.

Huh. Well, I guess
you can't come with us, right?

I've made peace with my fate.

This is my home.

- These are my friends now.
- (SPEAKING FRENCH)

Well, it's such an honor to meet you, sir.

(SCOFFS) Some magician.
You don't even do any tricks.

Pick a card. Any card.

"Bravo, Gonzo!
You are The Greatest! MacGuffin."

- PEEWEE: (EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH)
- (IN ENGLISH) Wow!

- PEEWEE: (SPEAKING FRENCH)
- BOTH: (GASPING) Whoa...

(ROOSTER CROWING)

(CAR HONKS)

- She came back.
- (SIGHS)

My Lord of Friday. This is a first.
You boys have a good time?

It was terrifying. I loved it. (LAUGHS)

I am never partying
with you again. (BURPS)

I ate spiders.

Sorry I missed it.

- Gonzo?
- Hmm?

Gracias, my friend.

You're welcome, pal.

Well, hop in, boys.
It's gonna be a beautiful morning.

- Let's go.
- Okay. (LAUGHS)

CONSTANCE: Hurry back.

- Hurry back. Hurry back, my sweet.
- (HEART BEATING)

(PHONE BUZZES)

- Hi, Kermit.
- Hey, Gonzo. How'd it go last night?

- Wait till you hear.
- I almost got married.

(GRUNTS) Been there, done that. (CHUCKLES)

Say, you guys comin' over for breakfast?

We're on our way over.

Oh, good. Oh, why don't you
bring your friends with ya?

BOTH: Friends? What friends?

BOTH: (SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

GONZO AND PEPÉ: (SCREAMING)

- Go. Hey.
- Hey.

Hey now!

- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
- Oh, baby!

Rock out! (CHUCKLES)

Come on. Everybody sing.

- One more time.
- Whoo!

(SHUDDERS) That was so upsetting.

My whole life just passed before my eyes.

- How was it?
- Better than what we just watched!

BOTH: (LAUGHING)

Go home! Oh, wait, they are home.