( RAIN PATTERING )
( THUNDER RUMBLES )
PREACHER ON RADIO: ...reckless sinful
way throughout this life.
The Lord has told me
that the open gates of Hell
are yawning up widely in our path.
Yes, the flames
of perpetual damnation
are ever ready to grasp our souls.
We know the way of the righteous man.
Yeah, we know the prayer
of the righteous man.
I'm telling you
that the Lord has spoken.
Yes, the Lord has spoken to me.
( BELL RINGS )
Hi.
Mike Enslin.
Checking in.
Honey.
Mr. Enslin.
We were afraid you
weren't going to show.
Oh it's such an honor
to have you here.
- Terrible night out there.
- If I could just get the key,
I'll settle in and we can
talk in the morning after...
You probably want to hear
all about our haunted history.
Well, this staircase here,
this is where the maid
reputedly hung herself in .
- Oh.
- There's a picture!
- Can we do this in the morning?
- Wait wait.
It's printed in our brochure.
- Did we send you one of these?
- Uh, probably did.
- Do you see her in the window?
- Yeah, there she is.
That's a photo that
a guest took in .
In your letter
you mentioned that the rooms
with the most paranormal activity
were in the attic.
Could I have one of those rooms?
That's right, because the attic
is on the third floor
which is the former
servant's quarters.
People say that all of Sylvia's children
died up there of tuberculosis.
- All of them?
- Guests have reported strange sounds.
At the stroke of midnight
there's been weird noises.
Now our best advice
is to lock your door from the inside.
- Isn't that right, honey?
- That's right.
You take care,
you just lock it from the inside.
I will.
As soon as you give me the key.
( LAUGHS )
I'm so... right.
Got it right here.
- Number , you can't miss it.
- Been a long drive.
- Good luck.
- All right, we'll see
what the night brings.
(THUNDER RUMBLING )
( DOOR CREAKS )
( BOTTLES CLANK )
( BIRDS CHIRPING )
MIKE: Mrs. Clark, the proprietor,
says she hasn't slept a night
since acquiring the inn
and I believe her.
No no no, I pity her.
But in any case,
the eggs Benedict are delicious
and if you call in advance,
Mrs. Clark says
she will bake her famous
flourless chocolate cake.
On a Shiver Scale,
I award the Weeping Beach Inn six skulls.
Screw 'em, five skulls.
( TRUCK HORN BLARES )
( TRAFFIC NOISE )
- Oh hey.
How's it going?
Can I help you?
Yeah,
I'm here for the big event.
All right.
Cool.
I'm Mike Enslin.
Sorry?
- Book signing.
- Oh, right.
Oh, that's you, yeah.
I see the resemblance, yeah.
- That's a good picture.
- Thanks, man.
All right, hold on.
Um... attention, book lovers.
Tonight we have noted
occult writer
Michael Enslin
at the Author's Corner tonight.
He's the writer of the best-selling
ghost survival guides,
um... with such titles
as " Haunted Hotels,"
" Haunted Graveyards,"
" Haunted Lighthouses."
That's tonight, : pm.
MIKE: Anyway,
so I really enjoyed writing it,
and that's kind of
a history of the book.
And I hope you enjoy it,
or enjoyed it.
Uh, you know, stay scared.
Right?
Any questions?
Where's the scariest place
you've ever been?
Scariest place I've ever been?
Uh, I've never heard
that question before.
- That's a joke.
- ( CHUCKLES )
Well, all these places have
very colorful histories.
Um...
I would say,
if I had to pick a top one,
I would say Bar Harbor,
the site of the grisly
McTeig wedding night murders.
That's an intense place.
Or maybe St. Cloud, Minnesota,
where the crazed w*r widow
threw her baby down a well.
I mean, those all have a lot of...
I mean, it's thick.
- The air is thick.
- What about poltergeists?
Look, I'm a good researcher.
I go into every gig locked and loaded.
I travel with an EMF meter,
full-range spectrometer,
infrared camera. I mean, look,
nothing would make me happier
than to experience
a paranormal event,
you know,
to get a glimpse of the elusive light
at the end of the tunnel.
( THUNDER CRASHES )
So you're saying there's
no such thing as ghosts?
I'm saying I've never seen one,
but they're awful convenient
for desperate hotels
- when the interstate moves away.
- ( KNOCKING )
This thing has really gone off the rails.
Who has a pen?
- I do.
- Which one?
Uh, but seriously, Mike,
if I want to see a real live ghost,
where's my best bet?
- Guaranteed?
- Yeah.
Haunted Mansion, Orlando.
Awesome, thanks.
- Stay scared.
- Thank you.
CASHIER: Hey, Ray,
can you lock up?
I got band practice tonight.
Holy sh*t.
What rock did you find that under?
- Um, eBay.
- EBay, huh?
- ( GIRL LAUGHS)
- How much did it go for?
Well,
there weren't many bidders.
I would think not.
- Wow.
- But it's, um...
- an amazing book.
- Oh.
Um, so... unique
and inspirational and honest.
Thanks.
What's your name?
- Um, Anna.
- Okay, Anna.
Are you gonna write another
one like this one?
Nah, it's a different guy.
Um...
- can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
Um, the relationship in the book
with the father and the son...
It's probably too personal,
- but, um, it's so authentic and...
- Mm-hm.
Well-constructed, and...
is it true?
No.
Well, thank you for this.
I really appreciate it.
My pleasure.
Bye.
( DOG BARKS )
- MAN: Good boy!
- MAN # : Yo, homey...
WOMAN: Just a minute, Tiffany!
Yeah, I'm just gonna tie it
inside my suit here.
( AIRPLANE BUZZES )
MAN: Yo, Greg, check him out!
WOMAN: Did you see what happened?
Oh yeah.
Are you okay, buddy?
- Hey, are you breathing?
- (COUGHS)
( LAUGHTER)
- WOMAN: No!
- MAN: Serious as a heart attack.
- ( HORN HONKS )
- ( SEAGULLS SQUAWKING )
We got .
That is back here, I think.
Uh-huh.
This is the one.
Sign on the line, please, sir.
Oh, you mean right here?
- Have yourself a beautiful day.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- Hey, man, you've been gone a while.
- Hey, Jackson, what's up?
- Oh by the way, dude,
I read your last book...
The " Haunted Mansions" thing.
Man, that's some scary sh*t.
Cool.
Later on, dude.
( SOFT ROCK PLAYING )
- Hi.
- Hi, how you doing?
- Good.
Thanks.
( CUSTOMERS CHATTING )
That's cute.
WOMAN: Good evening,
Dolphin Hotel.
How might I direct your call?
MIKE: Yeah, hi,
I'm calling about room .
One moment please, sir.
MAN: How may I help you?
Yeah, I'd like to stay
in room please.
That room is unavailable, sir.
I didn't tell you which date.
How about Saturday?
It's unavailable.
( LAUGHS )
The following Tuesday?
Unavailable.
Next month?
Unavailable.
Next summer?
( HANGS UP )
MAN: Somebody, anybody,
where's good Chinese near th?
I got to have lunch with that
idiot from Random House. Anybody?
Sam, Mike Enslin calling
from Los Angeles again.
I'll take it in there.
Clay,
you got a sec for Mike Enslin?
- Say yes.
- Yes.
Great. Now look,
this guy tends to get a little morose,
so try to keep the energy up.
Otherwise he stews in his own funk.
- Mike!
- MIKE: Hey, Sam.
Hey hey,
read the first five chapters last night.
Spooky sh*t,
couldn't sleep a wink.
Great. Hey,
did you take care of that thing?
You'd better believe I did.
And I got our top lawyer here right now.
Mike, Clay, Clay, Mike.
- Hi, Clay.
- Ike.
Talk fast, all right?
This guy's $ an hour.
All right, Clay,
what's up with the Dolphin?
Yeah, the Dolphin.
That stick-up-its-a*s relic on Lexington.
Too posh for a free plug, right?
Well, you are gonna love
what Clay's cooked up.
He dug around and found you...
Are you sitting down?
...A Federal Civil Rights law.
Like somebody would
discriminate against you,
a well-to-do white guy.
But the law's the law, right, Clay?
Ergo, if the room's not occupied
- they have to give it to you.
- Really?
Yeah. Now look,
the manager there's gonna put up a stink
but he knows the drill.
- Nothing you can't handle.
- So, Mike...
we'll book the room
and if they refuse,
we'll rattle our sabers and file suit.
- So it's all done?
- Thanks, Clay. Get lost, all right?
Bye, Clay.
Yeah, Mike, are you there?
Yeah, uh,
on a more personal note,
are you sure
you want to come here?
Yeah, of course. It'll make
a solid closing chapter of the book.
Yeah yeah, I know the routine.
But, I mean, it's New York.
All that happened... you really
want to put yourself through that?
- I'll be quick.
- Are you gonna call Lily?
No. I don't want to impose.
In and out.
Nobody gets hurt.
It's just a job.
( TRAFFIC NOISE )
DRIVER: Here you are, Dolphin.
MAN: Hey! Taxi!
( SIREN WAILS )
WOMAN: It's a beautiful room,
with fabulous views of the city.
Pardon me, ladies.
MAN: Thanks very much.
Welcome to the Dolphin, sir.
- Are you checking in?
- Mike Enslin.
One night.
And how are we
spelling that today?
- N-S-L-I-N?
- N-S-L-I-N.
Yeah.
Uh, would you excuse me for a moment, sir?
Sure.
Mr. Dempsey,
Mike Enslin's just checked in.
- Where is he?
- He's over at my desk.
That's fine, Marie.
I'll take care of it.
Okay.
It'll just be a minute, Mr. Enslin.
( BABY CRYING )
Good evening, sir.
Can I help you with your bag?
- No.
- Very well.
Mr. Enslin, I'm Gerald Olin,
manager of the Dolphin.
If there's anything that I can do
for you while you're here...
Dinner reservations,
theater tickets,
maybe a Knicks game?
Anything...
Just tell me.
I am at your service.
Well, if I can just get the key to ,
I can get out of your hair.
Oh, we were thinking of
upgrading you to a penthouse suite.
, please.
Insistent, aren't we?
Could you please humor me
by coming to my office for
a more private conversation?
- Sure.
- Excellent.
Come in.
Make yourself comfortable.
a smoking room?
As a matter of fact, it is.
Yes.
Good, one less worry
in the watches of the night.
Care for a cigar?
No thank you, I don't smoke.
Oh this, yeah. That's...
in case nuclear w*r breaks out.
I gave it up a long time ago.
It's part habit,
part superstition.
It's, you know, a writer thing.
You do drink, don't you?
Of course,
I just said I was a writer.
Le Cinquante Sept Deces, .
Exquisite.
About $ a bottle,
when you can find it.
I appreciate the bribe,
but I intend on staying in that room.
- How long?
- How long?
My usual is overnight.
I see.
No one's ever lasted
more than an hour.
( LAUGHS )
Jesus, man.
You ought to shave your eyebrows
and paint your hair gold
if you're gonna try
to sell that spookhouse bullshit.
Otherwise,
you'll scare the children.
Why are you mocking me
when I am genuinely,
to the best of my ability,
trying to help you?
No, you're playing a little game.
You're selling the mystique.
But eventually, we both know
you're gonna give me the key
and I'm gonna go up to the room
and I'm gonna write my story
and your bookings are gonna go up %.
Do you mind if my little friend records
our conversation?
I'll take that as a yes.
Sir,
you quite misunderstand the situation.
Now, I know the Dolphin doesn't
have the cachet of the Plaza
or the Carlyle,
but we operate at % capacity.
Always.
And my concern here
is not for the hotel.
My concern here is not for you.
Frankly, selfishly,
I don't want you to check into
because I don't want
to clean up the mess.
Now hotels are all
about presentation
and fertile creature comforts.
My training is as a manager,
not a coroner.
Under my watch there have
been four deaths... four.
After the last one,
I forbade any guest
from checking into ever again.
The last one was David Hide,
orthodontist, manic-depressive.
Slit his wrist,
did a little self-surgery,
turned himself into a eunuch, right?
Yes. I see you've done your homework.
I'm a professional too.
Well, grievously,
in its -year existence,
the hotel has seen seven jumpers,
four overdoses, five hangings,
- three mutilations...
- Three mutilations...
two stranglings.
General manager Gerald Olin
is well-versed in
the hotel's tragic history,
dryly reciting the docket
of carnage like a bookkeeper
discussing his ledger.
Well, you think you're clever, don't you?
I know the game.
Well, during your investigation,
did you discover
the natural deaths
that have occurred in ?
Natural deaths?
Ah, didn't find out about them
because the newspapers don't
print anything about them.
Hmm. All told,
there have been deaths
in .
? You're sh1tting me.
You don't know anything.
The causes of death in range
from heart attack,
stroke, drowning...
- Drowning?
- Yes, one Mr. Grady Miller
drowned in his chicken soup.
That's hard to do.
How... how did he do that?
How indeed?
Interesting.
It's all in here.
I will let you have this
and give you access to my office.
You can take notes,
put it all in your book.
My only condition
is that you do not stay in that room.
You'll let me look at
all that stuff?
Hmm.
I never did get that drink.
( CORK POPS )
- Oh, that is good.
- Here, keep it.
Compliments of the house.
- I'm still staying.
- Damn it to hell!
I'm sorry.
All right here.
Here, read the godforsaken thing.
I guarantee you,
once you've read it
you won't want to stay in .
The first victim: Mr. Kevin O'Malley,
sewing machine salesman.
Checked into the hotel
the first week it opened...
- October, .
- Cut his own throat, right?
Oh, that's not the horrific part.
Afterwards, in a fit of insanity,
he tried to stitch himself back together
using an old sewing needle
before he bled to death.
Easy, man.
Look, Mr. Enslin,
you don't have to stay in .
You can take photographs of .
It has the exact same layout and no one
will ever know the difference.
- My readers expect the truth.
- Your readers?
Your readers expect grotesqueries
and cheap thrills.
"The headless ghost of Mr. Eugene Rilsby
still walks his abandoned farmhouse."
"The Barking Phantom of
Mount Hope Cemetery."
A direct quote...
How'd you know that?
Your books aren't hard to find.
They're on the bargain shelves
of any paperback novel store;
full of cynicism,
written by a talented, intelligent man
who doesn't believe
in anything or anyone but himself.
Guilty as charged.
Hey, listen, this meeting's over.
Why don't you give me the room?
Oh please,
don't act like a hurt schoolgirl.
- In fact, you surprised me.
- Oh.
You are not
the hack-n-slash I expected.
I rather liked the first one,
the hardcover.
What was it called?
"The Last Walk..."
"Long Road Home."
"The Long Road Home," yes.
I rather thought
the father was a b*stard.
Yeah, he was.
Um...
look, man, just give me the key.
- Mr. Enslin...
- Just give me the key!
Listen,
I stayed at the Bigsby house.
I brushed my g*dd*mn teeth
right next to the tub
where Sir David Smith
drowned his whole family.
And I stopped being afraid
of vampires when I was .
Do you know why I can stay in
your spooky old room, Mr. Olin?
Because I know that
ghoulies and ghosties
and long-legged beasties don't exist.
Even if they did,
there's no God to protect
us from them, is there?
So I can't talk you out of this?
I think we've reached
an understanding.
Very well.
Come with me.
(JANGLES )
( ELEVATOR DINGS )
Most hotels have
switched to magnetics.
An actual key.
That's a nice touch... it's antiquey.
We have magnetic cards also, but
electronics don't seem to work in .
Hope you don't have a pacemaker.
General manager claims that the phantom
in room interferes...
I have never used
the word "phantom."
Oh, I'm sorry.
Spirit? Specter?
No, you misunderstand.
Whatever's in
is nothing like that.
Then what is it?
It's an evil f*cking room.
Please.
Mr. Odin.
( SPEAKS FRENCH )
Oh, oui. Tres bien.
( CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING )
Why don't the owners
just close the room?
The Yasuko Corporation
prefers to pretend there's no problem.
Just as they pretend
there's no th floor.
The room, it's got to be filthy.
I mean, the sheets haven't
been changed in what? years?
No no no,
we're very professional.
gets a light turn once a month.
I supervise,
the maids work in pairs.
We treat the room
as if it's a chamber
filled with poison gas.
We only stay minutes
and I insist the door remain open.
But still...
A few years ago,
a young maid from El Salvador
found herself locked in the bathroom.
She was only there for a few moments,
but when we pulled her out, she was...
- She was dead.
- No, blind.
She had taken a pair of scissors
and gouged her eyes out.
- She was laughing hysterically.
- ( BELL RINGS)
- Ouch.
- Your floor.
Well,
this is where we part company.
This is as close as I get to
unless it's that time of the month.
- See you tomorrow.
- Mr. Enslin?
Please...
don't do this.
I'll call you about
those Knicks tickets.
( BELL RINGS )
( MAN SPEAKING LOUDLY )
( TV PLAYING )
( WHEEL SQUEAKING )
( WOMAN LAUGHING )
Stop it!
( ELEVATOR DINGS )
( CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING )
( FLIES BUZZING )
( BABY CRYING )
Okay. It's okay, sweetie.
We're home now.
Here we go.
( KNOCKS )
This is it?
You got to be kidding me.
Round one goes to the hideous Mr. Olin
for effective aggressiveness.
I have to admit,
he had me going for a moment.
But where is
the bone-chilling terror?
Show me the rivers of blood.
It's just a room.
( MUZAK PLAYING )
( TV TURNS OFF )
$ for beer nuts.
This room is evil.
MIKE'S VOICE: Olin said hotels are
about fertile creature comforts.
It's a good line, but I wonder
whether they're really
about reassuring platitudes,
a prosaic sense of the familiar.
"Yes, I've been here before.
It's safe."
There's a sofa,
a writing desk,
a faux antique armoire,
floral wallpaper.
Carpet's unremarkable,
except for a stain
beneath a thrift-store painting
of a schooner lost at sea.
The work is done in the
predictably dull fashion
of Currier & Ives.
The second painting
is of an old woman
reading bedtime stories...
A Whistler knockoff...
To a group of deranged children
as another Madonna and child
watch from the background.
It does have
the vague air of menace.
The third and final
painfully dull painting
is the ever-popular
"The Hunt."
Horses, hounds and
constipated British lords.
Some smartass spoke about
the banality of evil.
If that's true,
then we're in
the seventh circle of Hell.
It does have its charms.
( TRAFFIC NOISE )
The panorama is typically cramped
New York City view of nothing:
Dull, grey buildings all around;
Honking traffic below.
The view of a...
- RADIO: ♪ We've only just begun... ♪
- Ow!
- ♪ To live... ♪
- Holy sh*t.
♪ White lace and promises ♪
♪ A kiss for luck
and we're on our way ♪
♪ We've only begun ♪
♪ Before the rising sun... ♪
Bravo, Olin.
That is very unsettling.
♪ So many roads to choose ♪
♪ We start off walking and learn to run ♪
♪ And yet we've just begun... ♪
That means
someone's in the room.
Hello?
Hello!
Whoa.
That is bizarre.
( TURNS OFF RADIO )
Finally I got something to write about.
A ghost that offers
turn-down service.
( CHUCKLES )
All right.
All right,
let's Encyclopedia Brown this b*tch.
Started off the window,
hear the music, nab my head.
I turn around, go to
the bed for the chocolate.
Then I go into the closet
which would have...
My back was turned.
It would have let
Houdini have time to come in
here do the paper trick...
And he's in the living room.
Cut!
Huh.
( AIR BLOWING )
Hello?
You're gonna have to try harder, as*h*le!
Nice and warm for you up there?
It's hot down here, bubba.
Come on.
( RINGING )
- WOMAN: Front desk.
- Hello, this is Mike Enslin.
- Guess which room.
- Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.
- Are you ready to check out?
Check out?
No no no no no.
Check out, check out, no.
Why would I check out?
Especially with this wonderful
maid service. It's so discreet.
No no no, I need you to send
somebody to fix my thermostat.
- Room's on fire.
- Of course, sir.
We'll send an engineer right up.
- You will?
- Absolutely.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
( BABY CRYING )
(WOMAN HUMMING )
How many thin walls
have we put up with together,
Old boy?
How many sarcophagal chambers?
Hotel rooms are a naturally creepy place...
don't you think?
I mean, how many people have
slept in that bed before you?
How many of them were sick?
How many of them lost their minds?
How many of them... died?
We came here to get the story,
and we don't rattle, do we?
( SHUTTER CLICKING )
( SLOSHES )
( CREAKING )
It's not that what
I'm seeing is not real.
It just ain't as real as it seems.
(WIND HOWLING, WAVES CRASHING )
- ( BANGS ON DOOR)
- Hello?
MAN: You got a problem
with the temperature?
Yeah.
Come on.
Is it too hot or too cold?
What does it look like?
Come on in.
The box is right over here.
It's stuck around .
I said the box is right here.
I know where the hell it is,
but I ain't going in this room.
You just have to walk
six or seven feet.
I said I ain't going in.
You know what happened in here?
Yes, I'm well aware of that.
Look, I'll talk you through it.
Any jackass can fix that thing.
Just remove the panel.
Okay, now above that coil
is a little tube filled with mercury.
That's supposed to activate
the contact switch.
But this hotel's so g*dd*mn old,
half the sh*t in here don't work.
Just give the tube a little tap.
Just tap the damn thing!
Yeah, there it is.
Oh, sir, you're a genius.
A gentleman and a scholar.
Thank you.
Let me give you...
a tip.
Sir?
( RADIO BLARES LOUDLY )
♪ And yet we've just begun ♪
( GAGS )
♪ Sharing horizons... ♪
Son of a...
( BEEPING )
Nobody lasts more than an hour.
Very effective.
( HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING )
( HEART BEATING )
( SILENT )
( SCREAMS )
Oh f*ck! Jesus!
Oh, God.
Ow! Son of a...
Ow! f*ck! Agh!
Ow! God!
(SINK GURGLING)
( GROANS )
♪ We've only just begun ♪
♪ To li... ♪
( PHONE RINGING )
- Hello?
- ( DIAL TONE )
( RINGING CONTINUES )
- Hello?
- WOMAN: Sir, I'm afraid there was
a miscommunication
in the kitchen.
There's going to be a -minute delay
with your sandwich.
Sandwich?
What sandwich?
I didn't order any sandwich.
What are you talking about?
I'm sorry.
You're welcome to substitute
a side dish
for your French fries.
We have cottage cheese,
macaroni salad,
- coleslaw...
- Listen to me. You win.
I'm checking out.
I'm hurt.
Do you understand?
My g*dd*mn hand is hurt.
I understand. If you leave
your dry cleaning out by : AM,
we'll have it pressed
and returned by : ...
sh*t, b*tch! Call me a cab
to the nearest hospital!
I'm hurt! Do you comprehend
what I'm telling you?
Sir, I will not tolerate you speaking
to me in that tone of voice.
You're an idiot!
I'm gonna sue your a*s!
I'm gonna take legal action!
What's wrong with you?
If you wish, I can connect you
with our manager Mr. Olin.
Good! Good good good
good good! Put him on.
Put him on. I'm gonna blitz
the son of a b*tch.
Olin... good! Put him on now!
( MUZAK PLAYING )
MAN'S VOICE: When staying at
the Dolphin, be certain to enjoy
New York's finest dining at
the fabled Sea Bream restaurant
on our mezzanine level.
Muscles tense?
Then make an appointment
to visit our deluxe spa
on the Coral level.
With full massage,
facial and aromatherapy facilities,
- it will leave you feeling relaxed...
- Hello?
And revitalized.
Your call is important to us...
- ( DIAL TONE )
- You b*tch.
You win.
You win.
All right.
Okay!
Come on.
Come on!
Come on.
Come on.
( LOCK CLICKS )
Hey!
Help! Help!
(GRUNTING )
Help! Help!
Can anybody hear me?
- Help!
- ( SIREN BLARING )
You! Sir!
Sir! Help!
Yeah!
Yeah, you! Help!
Help! Help!
You, sir!
Help!
Can you see me?
Yeah!
The Dolphin Hotel!
Call the police!
Help!
Help!
Hey!
Look out!
(WHIMPERING )
( PANTING )
Hey!
I'm losing my mind.
GIRL'S VOICE: I can see you, Dad.
( GASPS )
Daddy?
Daddy, where are you?
( GIGGLES )
I'm gonna get you.
Ready or not,
here I come.
( PANTING )
Here you are.
I see you, Daddy.
(GIGGLING )
Get a hold of yourself.
( WHISPERING ) You're running
to places that aren't real.
Get up. Get up.
You're losing the plot.
You're losing
the whole g*dd*mn structure.
GIRL: Daddy! Find me.
Psychokinetic fibrillations.
A tired mind among classic haunted-house
powers of suggestion.
Gaslit features, faded rugs,
like that motel in Kansas.
There's a reason for everything.
Just think.
What's that?
What is that?
Is that a spycam?
Who is that?
Are you enjoying this?
Is that the sadistic owner
of the hotel or is that Olin?
Wait a minute.
He gave me booze.
He gave me booze.
Did he take a sip?
I can't remember.
( SNIFFS )
He dosed me!
It was the booze
or the chocolates.
Never take candy from strangers.
All right, all right.
I'm just hallucinating.
I'm just hallucinating.
I've just got to ride this out.
I've got to ride this out
for four or five hours
and I'm straight. Okay.
You can do this.
( OVERLAPPING VOICES )
WOMAN: Oh, man.
I'm gonna get you.
You are finished.
Come here. Come here!
Dad! Sit down!
MIKE: You want me to sit down?
(GIGGLING )
MIKE: You want me to sit down?
- Yes!
- Okay, hold on, hold on.
Let me find a good...
Let me find a good frame here.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Most
Ugliest Person Competition.
Fifth and fourth place
goes to Boris and Doris
the goldfish.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Let's get a closeup of those guys.
Let's have a closeup
of Boris and Doris.
Look at that.
Those are some ugly fish.
They're so ugly
they're running from you.
Third place goes to Mike Enslin.
- Surprise surprise.
- ( BOTH GIGGLE)
Right, how's this for ugly?
( ROARS )
Second place
goes to Lily Enslin.
- ( ROARS )
- That was good.
That's kind of like Beowulf
meets a redneck.
- I like it.
- And first place goes to Katie Enslin.
That is a terror.
That is...
Oh, God!
Don't show me that face!
Oh, I can't look at it again.
LILY: Whatever you do,
don't turn around.
Whatever you do,
don't show us that face.
( STATIC CRACKLING )
(WOMAN CRYING )
( WOMAN SCREAMING )
( BABY CRYING )
( LIGHT TAPPING )
Ma'am, can you hear me?
Ma'am, I need your help.
Please, ma'am, can you hear me?
( BABY CONTINUES CRYING )
- Kid, be quiet.
- ( BABY WAILING )
Please, ma'am.
( CRYING INTENSIFYING, ECHOING )
Quiet!
( GROANS )
( CRYING STOPS )
(GROANING )
( SIREN BLARING IN DISTANCE )
( MAN CRYING )
MAN: I... wish...
I was dead.
Where's my garden?
I can't smell anything.
I hate this place.
How did I get here?
Pop.
Dad.
It's Michael.
As you are...
I was.
As I am...
you will be.
( WOMAN LAUGHING )
( PANTING )
MIKE'S VOICE: Maybe I'm not real.
Maybe I'm just having a nightmare...
an incredibly vivid
lucid nightmare.
When is the last time
I remember going to bed?
( TICKING )
I flew in yesterday.
Or was that... today?
I can't remember.
Was I on a train?
I woke up somewhere
and I had breakfast.
Where was I?
What did I eat?
( RUMBLING )
Here it comes.
They say you can't die
in your dreams.
Is that true?
( RUMBLES )
( HORNS BLARING )
The shock would wake you up.
( HORN BLARING )
So you couldn't really die.
All right, what are our options?
Got the hallway,
got guest rooms on either side,
stairwell, fire exits.
And that's the next window...
the next room.
How many feet across is that?
One...
( RUMBLES )
...three,
four, five,
six, seven, eight...
nine.
Nine, nine... feet across.
Okay.
I can do this.
If something should happen,
if I should slip and fall,
I want it to be known
that it was an accident.
The room...
did not win.
Okay.
Okay, I can do this.
little steps.
Four...
Don't look down.
Five...
Keep moving.
Here we go.
All right.
Okay.
Number nine...
eight...
six...
Where is it?
Where is it?
( HORNS BLARING )
( GASPING )
( SCREAMS )
(GRUNTING )
( SOBBING )
( SCREAMS )
(GROANING )
( ELECTRICITY BUZZING )
( MAN SCREAMING )
( STATIC )
Get a hold of yourself.
You're running to places
that aren't real.
( REWINDING )
Hotel rooms are naturally creepy places.
Strangely,
the bedroom has no window.
( GROANS )
( DISTORTED )
Strangely, the bedroom has no window...
- ( FOOTSTEPS )
- ( DOOR SLAMS )
WOMAN: Dr. Edwards to Oncology.
LILY: Please, please.
( SOBBING )
No. No. Doctors don't
know everything.
We can get another opinion,
look for other treatment.
- You hear about...
- Look at me.
- ...miracle cures.
- Lily.
Oh God.
Please, something.
MIKE: What kind of god would
do this to a little girl?
( LILY SOBBING )
Katie.
KATIE: Daddy, I can't see you.
Daddy, I can't find you.
Daddy, I'm scared.
- Katie.
- I'm scared, Daddy.
Help.
Help me.
Daddy, help me.
Okay, how about the wireless?
Come on.
Give me a signal.
Give me a signal.
- ( BEEPS )
- COMPUTER: Good evening, Mike.
Oh, yes!
- ( BEEPS )
- Mike?
Mike, is that... is that you?
- I can barely see you.
- Yes yes.
- It's like seeing a ghost.
- No no no. Yes, it's me.
- It's me. It's Mike.
- This is a little bizarre.
I mean,
I haven't talked to you in a year
and suddenly you pop up
in a box on my computer.
I'm sorry, Lily.
Listen to me, please, quickly.
Look, I'm at work, okay?
So why don't you call me at home tonight?
I'm trapped in this room, this place.
Mike, you're always trapped
in weird places. That's your job.
- No no, please, Lily. Listen to me.
- ( PHONE RINGS )
- Please.
- Lily Enslin.
- Hi. Yeah yeah.
- Lily!
- I've got those. I'll be right down.
- No. Lily!
Lily, please!
Call the cops.
Send them to the Dolphin Hotel.
I'll call you back.
- You're in the city?
- Yes!
- Lexington.
- What are you doing in New York?
I'll tell you later.
The Dolphin Hotel, room .
- That's just perfect.
- Please.
You walk out, you disappear.
Leaving me what?
Not divorced. Separated?
I don't know, it's not clear.
- Suddenly you need me?
- Lily, I'm in a real bad spot here.
- I'm in danger. You understand?
- Okay, Mike. Slow down.
You're not making any sense.
There's something trying
to k*ll me right now.
No, Lily!
No no no!
( WATER PATTERING )
I've got a knife!
(GRUNTING )
( MUMBLING )
That's the way out.
Or that way.
Or that way.
All right, that's the way out.
( BABY CRYING )
Lady, let me in!
- Help! Help!
- Please, sleep.
- Lady, I'm coming through!
- Mike!
Mike, can you help me?
Where'd you go?
MIKE: I got to get some cigarettes.
You want something?
Jesus Christ!
MIKE: I've got to go.
I'll be in California.
Mike, you can't do this.
She needs you.
She lost a kid too.
You've got an amazing talent
for stating the obvious, Pop.
You think I don't know that?
I'm trying to talk
some sense into your head!
- Don't put your hands on me, old man!
- Mike!
Talk? Why change what appears to be
the habit of a lifetime, Pop?
You were always great
at passing judgment,
but the problem is
you never gave a sh*t.
I never gave a sh*t
because you're a bullshit writer!
sh*t!
Hello!
Oh.
Kevin O'Malley.
( SCREAMS )
- ( HISSES ) Help...
...me.
No.
No no no no no no.
- ( HISSING ) Help me.
- I can't help you.
I can't help you.
No!
( GROANS )
It's good to be back.
That's enough of that.
Alcohol.
I was just checking to see
if the accommodations
are exceeding your expectations.
You know g*dd*mn well they are!
- What do you want from me?
- No no no.
What do you want?
What do you want, Mr. Enslin?
- You sought this room.
- It was a job. I was doing the job.
- I beg your pardon?
- My job! I'm a writer.
Oh, that's right.
You don't believe in anything.
You like shattering people's hopes.
Oh, that's bullshit!
Why do you think people believe in ghosts?
For fun? No.
It's the prospect of
something after death.
How many spirits have you broken?
MIKE'S VOICE: She was in so much pain.
LILY: I'm sure she's smiling
down on us right now.
What do you want from me?
Huh?
What do you want from me?
You...
You little...
( MUTTERING )
( YELLING )
What do you want?
What?!
I want my drink!
You win.
You win.
- KATIE: Mommy?
- LILY: Hmm?
KATIE: Why is the Bible purple?
( CHUCKLES )
I don't know why it's purple.
It was a wedding present.
My grandmother brought it
all the way from Hungary.
Someday it'll be yours.
Are there people
where I'm going?
Hey, you're not going anywhere, kiddo.
You're gonna stay right here with us.
Daddy...
everyone dies.
When they're old.
When they're much older.
Okay, and then they go to a better place.
And it's beautiful there.
And all your friends will be there.
Is God there?
Yes.
Do you really believe that, Daddy?
Yes.
MIKE: You know what I think!
We should have done more!
- We did everything we could!
- No, we didn't!
- We should have helped her fight...
- Oh my God.
...instead of filling her head full
of these stories
about heavens and
the clouds and nirvana
and all that bullshit!
Those stories, she liked them.
I'm going to get some cigarettes, okay?
( PHONE RINGING )
MIKE'S VOICE: We ponder the situation.
I'm trying to accurately describe...
Orpheus on the Orpheum Circuit
bathed in tango light,
the kind of light
that makes the dead...
get out of their graves
and tango.
Now this is level nine...
( SHIVERING )
the deepest level of hell,
furthest removed from
all light and warmth.
This is six.
It's g*dd*mn five.
I think I see the pattern.
Yes, I can see the pattern.
LILY: Mike.
Mike, can you hear me?
- Michael, where the hell are you?
- Lily.
Michael?
- Mike.
- Lily.
( SIGHS )
Michael, can you hear me?
Lily.
Oh my God. Thank God.
Jesus, I've been trying to get through!
- Did you call the cops?
- Yeah yeah, they're at the hotel.
- Didn't you say the Dolphin?
- Yes.
- You're sure?
- Yes yes, .
Mike, they're in .
The room's empty.
Mike?
Michael, can you hear me?
- ( GRUNTS )
- Michael?
Michael, where the hell are you?
I'm afraid I can't express
myself in this climate.
Calm down, okay?
We'll figure this out.
- Don't panic.
- I'm supposed to die here.
Michael, stop it!
You're not gonna die, okay?
Don't move.
I can be there in minutes.
Mike?
Michael?
minutes isn't enough time.
- It'll be too late.
- No, it won't be too late.
- Lily.
- Don't...
Actually, minutes is perfect.
It's perfect.
Just come up. Come now.
- Good, yes.
- I need you.
You've always been someone
I can count on.
I know we haven't talked a lot since...
since Katie died,
- but I need you, sweetie.
- Wait!
I can't explain it here.
You just have to come here and talk to me.
I miss you too, but...
When you get here,
don't talk to anybody.
Just come straight up to the th floor.
- Walk through the door.
- Shut up! Shut up!
- It's life or death, sweetie.
- Do not come up to the room!
- Okay.
- Don't come up to the room!
- I need to talk to you about Katie.
- Don't! Shut up!
- Lily, don't listen to him!
- Yes, good.
- It's a trick! Don't come up here!
- I'll be right there.
( CRACKLING )
Lily! Lily!
( GROANS )
( SCREAMING )
( MOANS )
( GIRL SCREAMING )
WOMAN: My baby! My baby!
MAN: She's heading for the rocks!
I don't want to die!
( WOMEN SCREAMING )
- ( DOGS BARKING )
- ( HORSE WHINNIES)
MAN: Oh God!
Man overboard!
( SCREAMING CONTINUES )
Come on!
( GASPING )
(COUGHS)
( AIRPLANE BUZZING )
Are you okay, buddy?
Hey, are you breathing?
MAN: Come on, talk to me.
You guys, give me a hand here!
( MACHINE BEEPING )
WOMAN: Dr. Edwards to Oncology, please.
Hey.
How are you feeling?
- Am I out?
- You're okay. You're okay.
Lie down, lie down, lie down.
Lie down, lie down, lie down.
You're okay.
You're in the hospital.
Hospital where?
In New York?
New York?
No no, you're in LA.
You got hit on the head
with your board.
I can't believe you still surf.
You flew here just for me?
Yeah. Yeah, I was worried.
They called.
I think I'm still listed
as your next of kin.
Okay, I'm not in New York.
- I'm out.
- Why do you keep saying that?
I was in New York.
I was trapped.
In New York, I was dying
in this Kafkaesque hotel,
the Dolphin.
- What?
- The Dolphin Hotel on th and Lex.
- I spoke with you there.
- th and Lex?
- I called you.
- I've never heard of it.
You're gonna be okay.
You just need to rest.
Oh, we have a winner.
bucks.
Unbelievable.
I can see why you live here.
Why did you leave?
Because every time
I looked at you,
I saw her face.
LILY: I think it's pretty clear.
I think in the dream
the room's your subconscious
and it brought up
a lot of stuff.
That's a good thing for you.
But this was...
I mean, I was down the rabbit hole.
I was rattled.
I was shook up.
And I can't shake it.
I think after dinner
you should drive me
back to the hospital,
- check me into the psych unit.
- ( CHUCKLES )
You look really great.
I can't believe
I'm sitting here with you.
Tell me about it.
Is everything all right?
Can I get you anything else?
I'll have another glass of wine, please.
The same.
Mike?
Yeah, I'll have another tequila...
Patron, chilled, double.
Be right back.
Katie was there.
Mmm-hm.
Can you imagine
what it feels like to have the sensation?
I mean, the very real sensation
that I talked to her,
like, two days ago?
I talked to her,
saw her, touched her.
Yeah.
I see her every night
when I shut my eyes.
Yeah, but it was so vivid.
It was so real.
Maybe you should write about it.
About Katie?
sh*t.
- You always were tougher than me.
- Why not?
Seriously, it sounds like
you're ready to deal with this stuff.
Can you stay?
I'm sorry.
Okay, we have got .
is gonna be right about...
Uh-huh.
So if you'd like to sign on the line.
Hey!
Hey, man!
You've been gone a while.
Oh, by the way,
dude, I read your book.
What is it?
" Most Haunted Motels," right?
That's some scary sh*t.
See you around.
Did I drop a postcard?
- What?
- Did I?
- Huh?
- A postcard.
No,
I think I would have seen it.
But if I find it,
I'll put it in your mailbox.
Okay?
MIKE: My experience in the room
was terrifying,
a fragmented loop
of unease and despair.
was a horrible dream,
yet somehow
I awoke from it renewed.
SAM: Mikey! You sound happy.
- You're scaring me.
- I wouldn't go that far,
but I must say that the work
is just pouring out of me.
I think I've actually reinvented myself
in the form of a kind
of a fictional memoir...
"Autobiography of a Nightmare:
Truman Capote meets H.R. Giger."
What do you think?
I love it!
"'ln Cold Blood' with 'Aliens!"'
That's sexy.
I wanna put it out to auction,
start a bidding w*r.
When can I read it?
Easy, tiger. Any day now.
You're gonna get it as soon as I finish.
Okay, Mike.
Less talking, more writing.
Hey, where's that decaf?
I'm dying here.
Thank you.
Hey,
How are you doing, old boy?
Can you hear me?
I don't think so.
I know I haven't been
here in a few months,
but I just wanted to...
come by and see
how you're doing and...
tell you I was doing okay.
Doing pretty good, actually.
I started talking to Lily again.
And I wrote a new book,
which I actually think
you would like...
believe it or not.
( SIGHS )
Michael.
Dad.
Michael.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So...
( HORN BLOWING )
MAN: Hey, you can't park there!
Move it down, will you?
Hey, I got a package
I need to overnight.
Is this the right form? I got to get
this to New York by tomorrow morning.
MAN: I'm sorry, sir,
but we're closed.
Very well.
( MUMBLING )
( SQUEAKING )
I was out.
Is that Katie?
( SOBBING )
Is that Katie?
I was out.
I was out!
I was out.
Please, God.
I know I was out.
( RUMBLING )
( KNOCKING )
Yeah.
Open it.
( DOORKNOB RATTLING )
( CREAKING )
(CHILDREN LAUGHING )
PREACHER: ...are yawning
up widely in our path.
We know the way of
the righteous man.
(GIRL GIGGLING)
KATIE: Daddy.
- Daddy?
- No.
- You're not Katie.
- I need help.
- ( PANTING )
- Please.
You're not real.
I'm cold.
- You're not Katie.
- So cold.
( GLASS CRUNCHING )
I love you, Daddy.
Don't you love me anymore?
Of course I do, sweetheart.
There we go.
I got you.
I got you now, Katie.
- Oh my God.
- They won't let me stay.
- Yes, they will.
- They won't let me stay.
- What?
- They won't let me stay.
No no no no no. Nobody's ever
going to take you away again.
I got you now, Katie.
Oh my God.
- I'm not gonna let you go.
- Do you love me, Daddy?
Of course I do. I love you more
than anything in the world.
I wish we could stay together,
you, me, and Mommy.
We can, we can.
I got you right here.
I got you right here, sweetie.
Everything's fine.
Everything is fine.
( SOBBING )
No.
No.
No. No.
You can't take her twice.
You can't.
Not again.
Please, God.
You can't.
Please.
No! No.
- You b*stard.
- ♪ We fly ♪
♪ So many roads to choose ♪
♪ We start out walking and learn to run ♪
♪ And yet we've just begun... ♪
( GROANS )
You little...
Where is it?
Where?!
Where?!
( DISTORTED ) ♪ We'll find a place
where there's room to grow ♪
♪ And yes,
we've just begun ♪
♪ Sharing horizons that are new to us ♪
♪ Watching the signs along the way ♪
♪ Talking it over,
just the two of us. ♪
( MUSIC STOPS )
( CLOCK CLICKING )
( PHONE RINGING )
Why don't you just k*ll me?
WOMAN: Because all guests of this hotel
enjoy free will, Mr. Enslin.
You can choose to relive
this hour over and over,
or you can take advantage of
our express checkout system.
Mr. Enslin?
( WIND HOWLING )
( RUMBLING )
( FLIES BUZZING )
( SCREAMS )
Are you ready to check out, Mr. Enslin?
No.
- Not your way.
- I understand.
( RINGS )
By the way, Mr. Enslin,
your wife just called.
She'll be here in five minutes
and we'll send her straight up.
She's not involved.
You can't have her.
I'm done arguing with you.
I'm gonna end this.
Five.
This is five.
( VOICE DISTORTS ) Ignore the siren.
Even if you leave this room,
you can never leave this room.
Eight.
This is eight.
We have k*lled your friends.
Every friend
is now dead.
MIKE'S VOICE: I lived the life
of a selfish man.
But I don't have to die that way.
If I'm going down,
I'm taking you with me.
This may not all be real,
and I may not even be real,
but this fire...
That's got to be real.
Go to hell!
( FIRE ALARM RINGING )
( CLAMORING )
Get out onto the street!
Out the doors and onto the street, please.
Everyone stay calm.
- ( HONKING )
- ( SIRENS WAILING )
- What's going on?
- DRIVER: I don't know, lady.
This might take a while.
Something must have happened.
Thanks.
( DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYING )
( MAN MOANING )
Keep quiet, you b*stard.
Please, you've gotta help me.
No, help me.
- Calm down.
- My husband's inside.
My husband's inside.
You've gotta help him.
You've gotta help him, please!
What floor?
What floor?
th floor, .
Mike Enslin.
Please come here.
- ( MOANING )
- You're wasting your time.
We're here to do the job,
and we don't rattle.
The decor is in tatters
and the staff surly.
But on the Shiver Scale...
I award the Dolphin skulls!
( CROWD SCREAMING )
(COUGHING )
Never k*ll more than you can eat.
( CHUCKLING )
KATIE: Daddy, everyone dies.
( LAUGHING )
We commend to Almighty God our brother,
and we commit his body to the ground,
earth to earth, ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
May you rest in peace.
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
Well, they're together now.
Let's go.
OLIN: Mrs. Enslin?
Luau
I am sorry to intrude at such
a delicate time,
but I knew your husband.
I worked at the Dolphin.
Oh.
While we were cleaning up,
we came across some of his belongings.
No, thank you.
They are of such
a personal nature, ma'am.
- I figured maybe you would want to...
- No, please.
It's not how
I want to remember him.
I'm sure you understand.
Oh yes, yes.
Of course I understand.
But it's important that you know
that he did a great thing.
He did not die in vain.
What are you talking about?
Because of him,
the room won't reopen. It's been...
All right, okay, stop.
Just give the lady some air.
She's been through enough,
don't you think?
( STATIC )
MIKE: Round one goes to
the hideous Mr. Olin
for effective aggressiveness.
I have to admit,
he had me going.
Get a hold of yourself.
You're running to places
that aren't real.
KATIE: Daddy,
don't you love me anymore?
MIKE: Of course I do, sweetheart.
- Don't you love me, Daddy?
- Of course I do, honey,
more than anything.
I got you now.
I got you right here, sweetie.
Everything's fine.
I got you, Katie.
Nobody's ever gonna take you away again.
KATIE: Daddy?
Daddy!
Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy!
( SCREAMS )
Hey, sweetie.
(SIREN WAILING )
( WIND HOWLING )
KATIE: Daddy!
Daddy!
Yes, of course.
( DOOR SLAMS )
( INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING )
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