03x06 - Odd Man Out

[bunniefuu]

♪ What would you do
if I sang out of tune? ♪

♪ Would you stand up
and walk out on me? ♪

♪ Lend me your ears,
and I'll sing you a song ♪

♪ I will try not to
sing out of key, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, baby, I get by ♪
- ♪ by with a little help
from my friends ♪

-♪ All I need is my buddies ♪

-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ♪ - ♪
try with a little help from my friends ♪

-♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa ♪

-♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

-♪ Somebody who
knows quite sure ♪

♪ Baby ♪

-♪ By with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ Said I'm gonna make
it with my friends ♪

-♪ Try with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ Oh, I'm gonna
keep on trying ♪

-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep on
trying now, baby ♪

-♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

[Insects chirping]

- [Laughs]
- okay. Give me an adjective.

-Uh, "stupid." No... "Slimy."

-You already used "slimy."

-Okay. Then..."Smelly."

- "Smelly." This is
gonna be a good one.

-The best part of
having a best friend

Is knowing there's someone
who really understands you.

Paul pfeiffer and I shared

More than just the
laughs and the oreos.

-Great!
[Laughs]

-Come on.

Truth or dare?

-Um, truth.

-We shared confidences.

-I never really
told anybody this,

But I kind of like
debbie ackerman.

-No. Not good enough.
Everybody likes debbie ackerman.

-[Sighs] okay.

Um, okay, okay. Here's one.

Once, when I was 9, I
snuck up into our attic,

And I saw mrs. Anderson
sunbathing next door.

-[Sighs]

-With her top off.

-No way.

-Oh! I don't believe it!

-Okay. Your turn.

-Okay.

You know that fire alarm
that went off thursday,

Fourth period?

-Mm-hmm.

-[Clears throat]

-No way!

-Yes way.

-You're lying.

-You don't think I'd do that?

-Look me in the eye
and say you'd do that.

-In a lot of ways, paul knew
me better than I knew myself.

And he wouldn't hesitate
to remind me if I ever forgot.

- [Chuckles]
- I knew it.

-It was a tried-and-true
relationship.

-All right. Come on.
Let's get some shut-eye.

[Sighs]

-But like all relationships...

- [Snoring]
- paul?

- Sometimes it
got a little stale.

- [Snoring]
- paul!

[ "The addams
family" theme playing]

-♪ Na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na ♪

Ding-dong!

♪ Na-na-na-na ♪
[clicks tongue]

♪ Na-na-na-na ♪
zih! Zing!

- Paul!
- Huh?

-I'm trying to
watch. Do you mind?

-Hey, it's a free country.

-Yeah, but it's my house! And
I want you to knock it off!

[Music continues]

-When paul and I reached

A familiar deadlock
of stagnation,

There was generally
one agreed-upon solution.

[Knock on door]

-Hey, guys! What's happening?

-Doug porter.

[Music continues]

He was the most
agreeable kid we'd ever met.

-All right! Boardwalk!
How much is it?

-It's 400 big ones.

-Yeah. That's pretty
expensive, doug.

You sure you want to buy it?

-Yeah. I mean, look how much
it costs to put hotels on.

[Indistinct talking
on television]

-Well, maybe you're right.

-Your turn. You got doubles.

-Doug's blandness
was like buttered toast

To an upset stomach.

-Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!

-But so long as he got
to be the car in monopoly,

He was happy.

And we were happy
to have his company...

-[Imitates tires screeching]

- In small doses.

-Doubles again! Boy,
today's my lucky day.

Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!

-Uh, I think that's
about it for me, guys.

-Huh? But...

-Sorry, guys. I got to get home.

You know, stuff to do.

-Oh. Well, I'll see you, paul.

-Yeah. See you later.

[Door closes]

-You want to play again?

-Nah. I got a lot
of homework to do.

-Okay. Well, um, maybe
I'll see you tomorrow.

-Yeah, maybe. See ya.

-Yep, three games of monopoly

Was just about
the limit with doug.

After that...

-Paul?

-You called?

-Hoops?

-You're on, sucker!

[Both laugh]

-We never felt wonderful
about ditching the guy.

But it was nothing personal.

Doug was just
kind of odd man out,

Whereas paul and I
were in for the long haul.

[Door closes]

[Sighs]

Until that day when the
haul got just a tad too long.

-All right. Here's
the deal. Okay.

I'll give you my
marichal and the tiant...

For your mccovey and...

-No, no, no. Mccovey's
off the table.

-Oh, come on, paul!
Be reasonable!

-I am being reasonable.
Mccovey is off the table.

- [Sighs]
- unless...

You're willing to think
about your williams.

-Oh, you can't be serious!

Willie mccovey for ted williams?

That's an insult!

-The mccovey trade.
A common impasse.

We'd been through this
a hundred times before.

-All right. I'll tell you what.

You got the marichal, the tiant,

And I'll throw in
a don schwartz.

-Don schwartz?

You've been trying to pawn that
schwartz off on me for years.

When are you gonna give up
on the don schwartz already?

-What's it gonna take, paul?!

-Mccovey is off the table.

-Paul, just bend a
little on this one, huh?

-How about you bend a little?

-[Groans, sighs]

-But the fact was, that
day, I was tired of bending.

I was tired of the
endless effort

Spent hammering out compromise.

-What's the matter
with you, anyway?

-Nothing's wrong with me.
What's the matter with you?

-Sometimes you're so weird.

- I heard that!
- What?

-You called me a weirdo!

-All right. Fine!

I called you a
weirdo! Satisfied?

-I'm a weirdo?

I'm a weirdo?!

Hey, I'm not the one
with cartoon figures

On my pillowcase!

-What was this? A
slanderous personal attack?

-What did you say?

-I said at least I don't
have cartoon figures

On my pillowcase!

-Yeah?

Well, at least I don't have
stuffed animals on my bed!

-Oh, yeah?

-Well, at least I don't have
the hots for winnie cooper.

-Okay. That did it.

-That's a lie.

-Look me in the
eye and say it's a lie.

-I looked him in
the eye, all right.

But all I saw was
a knee-jiggling,

Spaghetti-slurping,
gum-cracking twerp.

Of course I'd never say so.

-Well, at least I'm not
an ugly four-eyed jerk

That nobody likes.

[Cards scatter]

-Total butthead!

-Loser!

[Door slams]

-Years of suppressed frustration

Had finally reared
their ugly head.

-[Groans]

-I was sick of it.

Why did it always
have to be so difficult?

Why did it have to
require so much effort?

Why couldn't it be more like...

[Knock on window]

-Hey, you busy?

Come on in!

-Now, under normal
circumstances,

A visit to doug porter's house

Would have weighed in just
under the dentist's office.

-Mom! Kevin arnold's here!

-These, however, were
not normal circumstances.

And this was definitely
not a normal bedroom.

-Mom!

-Hello, kevin.

-Oh, hi, mrs. Porter.

-Doug has told me
so much about you.

It's about time
you came to visit.

-Heck. Maybe she was
right. It was about time.

-Why don't I put these
down right here?

Can I get you boys
something to drink?

-Sure, mom. Um...

How about yoo-hoo?
You like yoo-hoo?

-Well, if it's all right with...

-Whatever you like, kevin.

-Yoo-hoo sounds great.

-Yoo-hoo it is.

[Fanfare plays]

-And suddenly I felt
like visiting royalty.

-Kev, want a gum ball?

-Yeah. This was more like it.

-What color?

-Uh, how about red?

-Red's definitely the best.

-Here was a guy who would
listen to what I had to say.

-Okay. Hold out your hands.

-A guy who treated
me with a little respect.

-Here they come!

[Gum ba*ls rattling]

-A fella who appreciated me.

-Ha!

-Unlike some ingrates I knew.

-[Clears throat]

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-What's going on
between you and paul?

-Why don't you ask him?

-I did.

He says you've really changed.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Look, I probably shouldn't
get in the middle of this,

But he says you've said
some pretty mean stuff.

-All right, so the
four-eyes remark

Was a little over the top.

I was man enough to admit it.

-Well, he said some stuff
of his own, too, you know.

-[Sighs]

All I know is you guys
are really good friends.

You shouldn't be fighting.

-So what do you want
me to do about it?

-Just be nice if he's nice.

Okay?

- "Be nice if he's nice"?

What was this, "romper room"?

[Indistinct conversations]

Still, there it was...
That old goofy smile.

Aw, heck, if he was willing
to make the first move,

Well, I guess I could leave
the porch light on for him.

-Hey!

-Hey, man! Take a seat!

-God, I thought this
day would never end!

-Same here.

-Brady ryland?

Paul was hanging out
with brady ryland?!

Pbht! Talk about desperate!

Ryland was a total...

-Hey, kev! This seat taken?

- Loser.

Look at that. Really pathetic.

-[Laughs]

-[Laughs loudly]

-Who was paul trying to fool?

He wasn't having fun.

I was having fun.

-Okay. Who do you
want for your mccovey?

-I don't know. Um...

-Yep, I was hanging out in
the heart of fun central.

-How about this one?

-Doug, that's a don schwartz.

-Great!

-No. No. This is a
terrible trade.

-Sorry.

-There was just one problem.

With paul, everything
had been a struggle.

With doug, I pushed,
and he fell over.

-What if I throw in willie
mays to sweeten it up a little?

-No, doug. You're
missing the point.

You have to
bargain a little bit.

-Well, all right. Okay.

I'll throw in mays
and johnny bench.

-It was like trying
to give spine to jell-o.

-Okay. Let's forget about
trading for right now.

What do you want to do?

-I don't care. What
do you want to do?

-Isn't there anything
you want to do?

-W-we could eat some more.

-It took about two hours

To realize the
mission was impossible.

-How about some tiddledywinks?

-Tiddledywinks?

-Doug was looking desperate.

Nothing could salvage
this relationship,

Short of...

-How about we fly my
dad's model airplane?

-Did he say airplane?

[Engine buzzing,
up-tempo march playing]

Okay. I knew it was wrong.

Still, flying mr. Porter's

Incredibly expensive
radio-controlled airplane

Might be just the opportunity

For me and doug
to forge a new bond.

Or so I told myself.

-Doug, are you sure
you've done this before?

-All the time.

Watch. I can make
it do loop-de-loops.

[Engine buzzing]

Isn't that cool?

Sure. Cool. But foolhardy.

-Listen, I think...

-But hold on. What have we here?

Old paul just
happens to ride by?

On doug's street?

I think not.

Well, two can play this game.

-Doug, come on. Let me have a
shot at those controls, huh?

-O-okay, but you got
to be real careful.

The stick on the left
makes it go up and down.

-Yeah, all right, all
right. I know, I know.

-Looks like fun, doesn't it?

Well, read 'em
and weep, pfeiffer.

Tell me... Who's in
the driver's seat now?

-Kev! Look out!

Holy cow!

My dad is gonna k*ll me.

-Uh, it won't be that bad, doug.

-No. You don't know my dad.

H-his eyes bulge out
like... Like boiled eggs,

And... And h-his forehead
starts sweating,

And he scratches his neck
like he's gonna rip his skin off!

-Look, doug, just concentrate
on what you're doing, okay?

-You're not mad, are you?

-I wasn't mad.

I was just tired... Of
doug, of the whole mess.

It was time to
put an end to this.

Time to make a clean break.

[Wood creaking]

-Doug, I think that...

-Whoa!

[Branch snaps]

[Thud]

[Groans]

-But speaking of clean breaks...

[Indistinct conversations]

-Gee, it looks great, kev.

-33 Ding dongs, 2
gallons of yoo-hoo,

And one
radio-controlled airplane

Had brought me to this.

I was a prisoner of guilt.

-Can't wait to show
it to everybody.

-Yeah. Sure.

-My only consolation
was there were at least

Two other kevins in our class.

-Hey, everybody! Kevin
arnold signed my cast!

-Doug! Doug! No. Please.

-Sorry.

-Kevin?

Paul has a message for you.

-He does?

-What was this?

A little thaw in relations?

A possible break in the impasse?

-Whoa! What happened?!

-Oh, I fell out of a tree.

-I had to wear one like that
for two months last year.

The itching drove me nuts!

-Tell me about it.

-I've lost two plastic
forks down there already.

- Try a ballpoint pen.
- Excuse me.

Was there some reason you
came over here in the first place?

-Not that I couldn't guess.
[Chuckles]

Look at him.

Sitting there, reminiscing
about the good times,

Waiting for me to
give him the nod.

-Oh, yeah. Paul says he
wants his baseball cards back.

-He said what?

-Well, I'll see you guys around.

-Okay. That ripped
it. Once and for all!

-Say, kev, i-i was thinking...

-I couldn't believe it.

The little weasel had sent
his lapdog to do his dirty work?

- The nurse said I should
find someone to help me...

You know, do stuff
for me around school.

-He couldn't treat me like that.

-Well, I was wondering if
you thought it was a good idea.

-Yeah. Sure.

-So this was what it came to.

Stabbed in the back by someone

Who used to call himself
my... Ha! Best friend!

-Great! Then you'll do it?

-What?

-What was this
guy talking about?

-Well, you know,
um, carry my books,

Help put on my jacket,

-And maybe you could even
help me with my homework.

-Doug!

-Was he nuts? Help
him with his homework?

Hadn't I been humiliated enough?

Who'd he think I was, anyway?

-Well, you are my best friend.

Aren't you?

-Look, number one, I'm not
your best friend, okay?!

And number two, carry
your own stupid books!

-Kev?

-There. That felt better.

Much better.

That night, I had a dream.

[Owl hoots] more
like a nightmare.

-You want milk duds?
You want yoo-hoo?

You want doughnuts?

How about sno ba*ls?
How about twinkies?

If I give you twinkies,
would you be my best friend?

-Doug!

-Aah! Kev!

-Doug?!

- Kev!
- Stop!

- Help!
- Doug!

Doug!

Doug!

Doug!

Doug! Come back!

[Breathing heavily]

-I felt awful. What had I done?

Doug did kind of look up to me.

-And the truth is, I
had acted, well, badly.

There was only one
right thing to do.

[Doorbell rings]

-Oh, hi, kevin.

-Is doug around?

-I'm sorry.

H-he can't come to
the door right now.

Is there something you wanted?

-Well, uh...

-I could tell by her look
that I'd all but crushed him.

The least I could do
was show some class.

-It's a don schwartz.

He likes don schwartz.

-I'll make sure he gets it.

-Well, there you had it.

Poor doug. I'd let him down.

I could almost see
him... Alone in his room,

Trying to figure out
what he'd done wrong,

Lamenting his fate...

[Doug laughing]

Or having the time of
his life with brady ryland.

As I stood outside that window,

I watched the easy give-and-take

Of two new friends.

And I realized something...

Doug porter was no
longer the odd man out.

It was me.

But I guess in a way
we're all odd men out...

Until we find a match
that makes us even,

Someone who challenges
us to be our best,

Someone who understands
us, even at our worst.

I was beginning to appreciate
how rare a thing that was.

-Hey.

-Hey.

-I wanted to tell him I was a
better person for knowing him,

That I hoped our
friendship would endure

The trials of a lifetime.

-Well... See ya.

-Yeah. See ya.

-But I knew he understood.

[Insects chirping]

-I was thinking about
that mccovey trade.

-Yeah?

-Well, maybe I could do it
for the marichal and the tiant.

-Paul, come on.
It's a bad trade.

-Well, come on, kevin.

I really think I
want that tiant.

-I mean, I've wanted
it for a long time.

-For mccovey? Come on.

-Come on. Don't be
such a jerk about it.

I want to make the trade!

-I can't do it,
paul. It's stupid.

-Oh, so now you're
calling me stupid?!

[Dog barks]

Mccovey is off the table.