04x01 - The Nun's Story

[bunniefuu]

Cherie, hold it still!

- I am holding it still.

- Well, hold it stiller.

Shh...

Food's ready for the drive-in.

We got fried chicken, hot buttermilk biscuits, coleslaw and chocolate cake.

Is that all?

Well, it ought to at least get us through the cartoons.

Henry always parks too far away from the snack bar.

Here's a little more food in case we ran out.

No popcorn?

- Oh, hi.

- Good afternoon.

I'm sister Mary Malcolm from Our Lady Of Perpetual Agony.

- Oh, come on in.

- Thank you.

Our Lady Of Perpetual Agony?

- Is that a hospital?

- No, a convent.

The hospital is Our Lady Of Perpetual Payment.

We are collecting used clothing and household items.

We're trying to raise enough money so we can get a new furnace.

We froze last winter.

I guess that makes you a blue nun.

So is there anything you'd care to donate?

Oh, I'm sure we have some junk.

I was right.

Henry never wears this old sweater anymore.

Wait a minute.

It looks like his gardening sweater.

You're right.

There's Bandini in the pocket.

How about these old magazines?

No, not the "National Geographics." Henry says they'll be worth something someday.

He probably likes the pictures of the island girls.

Although I doubt it.

Here's something we don't need.

Well, that's a lovely piece, dear.

Do you really want to give it away?

Yeah, I'm sure we don't need it.

How do you know?

Because I've never seen it before.

Well, thank you very much.

This will look nice on our weird-stuff table.

Well, sister, if it's weird stuff you are looking for, I have some wonderful Lady Di toaster covers and two old dresses that are a little tight.

I'm not as thin as I used to be.

Oh.

Who is?

I fight a constant battle with my weight.

The battle of the bulge.

Well, I feel for you.

With that outfit, if you put on too much weight, you'll look like a big bowling ball.

Oh, not that you do 'cause you don't.

Uh, this way, sister.

You know, I go to all of your Bingo games.

This is inexcusable.

It just shows a total lack of responsibility on the part of you back-seat people.

We just forgot to put the speaker back.

But don't worry, first thing tomorrow morning, I'll glue your car window back together.

None of this would have happened if we'd watched the movie from where I suggested.

Henry, the point of a drive-in movie is to drive in to it, not park across the street and try to read lips.

Especially Doberman lips.

Besides, I'm the one who should be angry.

I'm too dignified to be snuck into a drive-in in a trunk.

I gave you half the money we saved.

Well, two fifty doesn't make up for the fact that I was lying on jumper cables while Brandon was sitting on the front seat on a pillow!

They don't charge for dogs.

Come to think of it, you might have gotten in free, too.

You're lucky I'm tired, otherwise you'd find out what it's like to swallow a speaker!

Let's go, Cherie.

Seat stealer.

What's that?

It's from Yvette, the French poodle you met at the drive-in.

Alright, I'll read it to you.

It's got her phone number and it says, "The German Shepherd answers, hang up." Let's go put this in your Rolodex.

Thanks a lot, Henry.

It took me an hour to straighten that up.

Punky.

Did you happen to see a small brass urn in here?

M... maybe.

Why?

Is it valuable?

Huh.

Valuable, no.

Certainly irreplaceable.

- How come?

- Ah.

Punky, sit down.

I didn't want to mention this because I didn't want to upset you, but that urn contains the ashes of my late Aunt Mable.

You mean, late like, not on time or...

late like... dead?

More like dead.

Ew.

Henry, I've got clothes in that closet.

What is a dead person doing next to our coats?

You see, her son, Archie, was still in the navy when she passed away, so he asked me to take care of her until he got out.

- And now he's out?

- Yes.

He found a lovely resting place for her in Evanston.

I'm gonna drive her there tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow?

But I just met Aunt Mable.

I mean...

maybe she likes it here with us.

I doubt it.

Believe it or not, I was one of her least favorite people.

She didn't like you?

She had the nerve to call me cheap.

You?

Can you believe it?

It didn't bother me at all.

She was an ornery old cuss, hated everybody, especially Catholics.

Boy, Brandon, I've really done it this time.

You're right.

I am dead meat.

If Henry finds out I've given his Aunt Mable away, he'll...

Wait a minute, the keyword here is if.

- Good news.

It's me!

- What's up, Punky?

You guys aren't gonna believe this.

I'm in big trouble.

- We believe it.

- We believe it.

You know that funny-looking jar I gave to the nun?

Yeah.

- Do you know what was in there?

- Nope.

Henry's dead Aunt Mable.

Gee, she must've been awful short.

It was her ashes.

Henry spent all morning tearing the closet apart looking for her while I played dumb.

What's the problem?

Just keep playing dumb.

You're good at it.

Thanks, but I can only play dumb for so long.

Sooner or later, I'm gonna have to cough up her ashes.

I didn't put that very well.

Let's concentrate and think of something.

I've got it.

You're good!

We go to the convent, explain what happened and ask them to return Aunt Mable.

We put her back in the closet and Henry will just think he needs new glasses again.

Perfect!

Except for the "We" part.

Come on, guys.

I've never been to a convent before.

You've got to come with me.

I'm afraid I just can't.

Mommy's giving me a lesson on how to fire a servant.

She's says it's important to treat them as if they have feelings.

But, Margaux!

Even though I can't accompany you on your adventure, at least let me finance it.

Here, take money.

Toodles.

Well, Cherie, I guess it's just you and me.

Forget it, Punky.

You're not gonna drag me into this one.

Uh-uh, no way, never.

- I'll give you this.

- Let's go.

Well, here we are.

Yup, here we are.

It didn't take long to get here, did it?

Nope.

Pretty convenient convent.

We'll just ask them to give back Aunt Mable and that'll be it.

I'll get it.

It's probably just another Jehovah's Witness.

Uh, uh, hi.

We're looking for Sister Mary Malcolm.

She was collecting stuff for a rummage sale.

Sister Mary Malcolm left this morning to go on a retreat.

W... well, you see, she took this urn and...

I don't have time to chat, dear.

Monsignor Maguffin is coming for lunch.

And the silly goose is late.

Well, maybe he had a flat tire.

Oh, no.

The Monsignor isn't late.

The butcher is sending over a goose.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to shuck my corn.

- But you don't understand...

- Bye.

Sorry.

Bless you.

Great.

Now what?

Why don't you just tell Henry what happened and then beg for mercy?

Cherie, I gave away his dead relative.

Would you give me mercy?

Nope.

I'd ground you for life.

Wait a second.

It's unlocked.

So?

So what's stopping us from going inside, finding Aunt Mable and getting out before we're even noticed?

Eternal damnation, for one thing.

Let's go.

Sorry, God.

She's making me do this.

Just keep walking forward.

Hey, let go of my nose.

We need a system going here.

I'll kick you this side to go right.

- And this side to go left.

- Uh.

And this is the signal to go forward.

Ow!

I can't breathe.

Hey, Cherie, we're in luck.

Aunt Mable's right over there!

Right over where?

- That way.

- Well, what way?

Not that way.

Over there.

Giddy-up.

- Punky.

- Yeah?

If I break my leg, you're gonna sh**t me?

Sorry.

The nuns are coming.

Sisters...

may I present Monsignor Maguffin.

Good day, sisters.

Oh, you're all looking so well today.

- Uh...

- Whoa!

You're a tall one.

It makes me feel closer to heaven.

I don't believe we've met, sister...

Uh, Sister Mary Cherie.

Pleased to meet you, Monsignor.

Pleased to meet you, Sister Mary Cherie.

Sisters, please be seated.

You're recruiting them rather young, mother superior.

Oh, my, dear me, monsignor.

I don't know how those children got in here.

I'll have them put out immediately.

Oh, no, no.

Please, let them stay.

Stay?

I'll need a bigger goose.

Mother superior, your goose will be just fine.

I want to see what these children are up to.

Trouble.

That's what they're up to.

Sister Mary Cherie, aren't you going to sit?

Uh...

yes.

I would like to sit.

Right...

now.

Magnificent goose, mother superior.

- Corn, sister?

- Oh, yes, thank you.

Heard any good prayers lately?

No, but I have heard there have been some security problems here at the convent.

Security problems?

What kind of security problems?

Well, say, um, someone...

someone breaks into a convent and, um, say, someone, uh, wears a habit and impersonates a nun.

Wow, that's awful.

Salt.

Excuse me, did you say something, sister?

- Uh, pass the salt, please.

- Oh, here it is.

Uh, uh, I'm saving it for later.

After vespers, perhaps?

Oh, yes, vespering always makes me hungry.

- Butter.

- No way!

Ow!

Don't you like your corn, sister?

I'm sure it's delicious.

What would happen if a couple of people were caught impersonating a nun?

Well, for one thing, it would depend, uh, whether it was a first offence.

- Oh, it is.

- Oh.

But still, such an irreverent act would have very serious consequences.

What was that?

- Gas bubbles.

- Oh.

What if these fake nuns had a good reason for nun-faking?

There is absolutely no excuse for nun-faking.

Cherie!

Sorry, Punky, but I'm not taking the rap for this one.

Alright, you two.

I think it's time for a full explanation.

Okay.

Well, you see, we accidentally gave this jar to one of the nuns for their rummage sale.

Yes.

The problem is, the jar is full of Aunt Mable's ashes.

Oh, my!

Well, we must return this jar to you.

Now... can you describe it so we can find it?

Uh, it's that jar.

Oh.

I should've had a veal.

I can't believe this.

We went to all that trouble.

Poor Aunt Mable.

All over the table.

Those nuns sure are careless.

They spilled a perfectly good dead person.

You know what kept running through my mind?

If only we had a Dustbuster.

Hello, girls.

- Hi, Henry.

- Hi.

Hi.

Punky.

I have something to tell you.

I have something to tell you first.

Aunt Mable's gone.

No, she's not.

I found her.

- You did?

- You did?

Yes.

She was in the basement.

I bought four of these urns to get the quantity discount.

Mistakenly, I put an empty urn in the closet.

So Aunt Mable's been in the basement all this time.

Isn't that funny?

What a scream.

I still can't find the urn that was in the closet.

Oh, that's what I was gonna tell you.

We accidentally gave the other urn away.

- I'm really sorry, Henry.

- Oh, don't worry.

We'll just put Uncle Bernie in Tupperware.

Just kidding.

- Forget the urn.

No big deal.

- No big deal?

I had to carry her on my shoulders for two hours.

Cherie, he's not interested in details.

Oh, yes, I am.

What was Punky doing on your shoulders?

Well, see, we had to keep the nun's habit from dragging on the floor.

The nun's habit?

Yeah, we had to wear one or we'd be kicked out of the convent.

Convent?

What were you doing in a convent?

- Punky?

Punky?

- See, actually...

Punky!

Punky!

Poor Punky.

She never could keep her mouth shut.

Punky!

Punky!