06x19 - Bee True

[bunniefuu]

Opening Credits

[SCENE – Student Café, Eric is having coffee and Feeny walks by talking to fellow teachers]

Eric: Feeny! You here, sit now. (points at chair)

Feeny: Eric, don’t use that tone…

Eric: (interrupting) Dean Bolander.

Feeny: (Sits) Okay, whatcha got?

Eric: How old are you, now, Mr. Feeny, what 90? 100?

Feeny: 100. What do you want?

Eric: It’s not what I want it’s what you want but not going after.

Feeny: Eric, my relationship with Dean Bolander will proceed at my pace, not yours.

Eric: You are such a scaredy cat, I mean here’s a woman that you’ve obviously got the hots for and you’re not going to do anything about it!

Feeny: Mr. Matthews! Don’t reduce my feeling for the woman to the hots! Unless of course she used that term…

Eric: Mr. Feeny you’ve been good to me over the years. You taught me everything I never paid attention to. It’s payback time.

Feeny: Oh no. No no. No payback. I don’t want it. Eric. I beg you, Eric.

Eric: (Same time as Feeny) It’s out of you hands, Feeny, out of your hands Feeny.

Feeny: Dean Bolander is the kind of woman that you have to romance slowly, carefully, like an orchid. I’m a gardener, I know these things.

[Cut to Dean Bolander, Angela, and Topanga, who are just entering]

DB: I’m telling you girls I like the man very much but he needs to pick up the pace of this dance.

Topanga: Isn’t there anything to be said for the old fashioned approach?

DB: Yeah. (Makes farting noise). Oh, I know he needs to do something. He needs to express his feelings. Goodness knows, I’ve been dropping the man hints left and right.

Angela: Well maybe you’re being too subtle.

DB: I hiked up my skirt at the seminar.

Angela: Damn.

[Cut back to Eric and Feeny]

Eric: Feeny. The time is now. Every second you wait is another clogged artery.

Feeny: My cholesterol level is high.

Eric: George, if not now, when?

Feeny: Now. (He and Eric get up)

Eric: That’s right, that’s right! You are the man, you are the man!

Feeny: Oh, will you get lost!

Eric: I’m lost! I’m lost! Just bring her home!

Feeny: (To DB) Excuse me. Dean Bolander.

DB: Yes?

Feeny: There’s something that I have been meaning to say to you.

(enter Kinkade)

Kinkade: There she is, Lila Bolander, the eighth wonder of the world!

DB: Curtis! (The hug)

Feeny: (To Eric) He must know her.

-Commercial Break-

[SCENE – Student café. Kinkade and Dean Bolander are talking. Eric, Feeny, Angela, and Topanga are watching.]

DB: Curtis, what’s it been? Fifteen years?

Kinkade: All this time I’m running around the world, digging up bones, and you’re here not aging a day. It doesn’t seem fair. But I like it.

Eric: (To Feeny) Relax, this guy’s got nothing.

DB: I want you to meets someone. (Turns to Feeny) George? (To Kinkade) This is my colleague and friend George Feeny.

Kinkade: Curt Kinkade. (Holds out hand) Put her there.

Feeny: (Shakes Kinkade’s hand) A pleasure, Mr. Kinkade.

Kinkade: Oh, come on, what’s with the “mister”? It’s doctor. Dr. Kinkade.

DB: Curtis is in town to speak at our science seminar. He’s made some top secret find in Africa.

Kinkade: Oh, just a little something that will change the course of the new millennium.

Feeny: Than you’re an archaeologist?

Kinkade: Oh, George, please that makes me feel like a geezer with a compass. I prefer fortune hunter, adventurer, or, my personal favorite, Lila’s ex-husband.

Eric: (To Feeny) “Ex,” no problem…

Kinkade: But I’m here to win here back.

Eric: (To Feeny) You know what? You’ve been alone this long. How about, you know, like a puppy?

[SCENE – Hallway. Shawn and Cory are having a bake sale. Eric is standing in front of them holding a hat. Note: Godfather music plays in the background through the scene.]

Eric: And the man stepped in between them. And the course of true love for one of our own may have forever been altered by this… skeevoza…

Shawn: (Stirs coffee loudly)

Cory: Why do you come to us now? On this, the day of our bake sale?

Eric: Cause this just happened like five minutes ago. (Glances at door)

Cory: Okay, what do you need?

Eric: I need for you to do me this favor.

Shawn: (Sips coffee loudly)

Cory: You need for me to do you this favor? You never invited me into your home. You never invited me for a cup of coffee.

Eric: Yes, I know, and for this… I am sorry. But… we must help Feeny. But he mustn’t know it was us. This is the biggest job we’ve ever attempted to pull off. I come to you with my hat in my hand.

Cory: It’s my hat.

Eric: It’s my hand. Are you in, or are you out?

Shawn: Eric, we’re flattered you’d come to us, but look around. We’re legitimate now.

Cory: We’re in the bake sale business.

Eric: Guys… It’s Feeny, he’s family. This may be his one chance at true love.

Shawn: (Gets up & paces towards Eric) Eric, I just spent 68 bucks traveling around this country. I learned a few things about life.

Cory: (Behind Eric) Why don’t you tell him what you learned, Shawn? (Whispers to Eric) I love this part.

Shawn: I learned to be at peace with myself. I like looking over my shoulder and not worrying about who’s coming after me (Looks over shoulder as a guy passes by). These schemes and capers I used to hatch, they may lead to despair. That’s what I learned. I also learned never to park a trailer across a railroad track when that thing is down.

Cory: Besides, Eric… I hit a teacher, remember? The dean put me on probation. I do one thing wrong, I’m outta here.

Shawn: Don’t you think Feeny can take care of himself?

Eric: I’m ashamed. I am ashamed to call you guys my brother and Shawn. (Takes cupcake and shoves it in his mouth whole. Exits)

Shawn: (After long pause) He ate the paper. (Cory nods)

[SCENE – Jack and Rachel’s apartment. Jack and Rachel are making out at the counter]

Jack: (After Rachel breaks the kiss) What? What’s the matter?

Rachel: Jack, you know, I really love this, but have you noticed this is all we do?

Jack: Yeah, isn’t it great?

Rachel: Yeah, yeah it is great Jack, but… I want more.

Jack: (Up to God) Oh thank you. (To Rachel, peels away towards the bedroom) Well the room is right this way.

Rachel: (Stops him at the stairs) Oh, Jack, no, I mean… I want us to be a couple.

Jack: We are a couple.

Rachel: I mean I want to go out, Jack. We haven’t gone out since we’ve become a couple. (Goes to couch) Why don’t we ever go anywhere? (Sits)

Jack: We go plenty of places. First we went there (points to couch), then we went there (points to chair at the counter), and now we’re gonna go up there (points to bedroom).

Rachel: Jack, I want to be with people. I want to go dancing.

Jack: Uh… Um… Let’s go to the movies. (Sits)

Rachel: The movies are dark and no one will see us and I want to show you off. I wanna go dancing, Jack (hugs his shoulder). You can dance, right?

Jack: (Dejected) Yeah, I can dance.

Rachel: Great, then we’ll go dancing tomorrow night. (Gets up and hugs Jack, who’s still sitting) Oh Jack, this is gonna be so much fun! I can’t wait. (Exit into bedroom. Jack is still on the couch, dejected)

[SCENE – Classroom. Kinkade is telling a story to the students while Dean Bolander and Feeny watch. Cory, Shawn, and Eric sit behind Topanga and Angela]

Kinkade: So, I jump off the cliff, grab hold of a big old branch, jungle gym to the river, and never saw Chief Yakazou’s ugly mug again. And the cursed ruby of the Zau Kwai now resides in the Turkish Museum of Natural History diagonally across from the Hot Rod Café, the end! (Applause from students. Topanga and Angela are wooed, Eric is contemplating with two fingers to his temple.)

Topanga & Angela: …wow…

Eric: Hey! Whose side are you on?

Feeny: Well thank you, Dr. Kinkade for that, uh, vivid story, which provides us a perfect transition into today’s assignment. (Collective class moan) Where our neighboring crete, (Eric gets up to throw out garbage) we will find Sir Arthur Evans excavating at Minoan Knossos beginning in 1899.

Eric: (As he passes by Feeny) (Fake cough) You’re dying, do something.

Feeny: You will read what Evans was most interested in excavating and the effect it had on archaeology in the 20th century.

Kinkade: Ponderous, man, ponderous.

DB: (To Kinkade) George is a fine educator, Curtis.

Kinkade: (To Dean Bolander) Sorry. But when you’ve had these experiences first hand, it’s a little hard to get excited about reading a book. But I suppose reading is a lot safer than actually doing something. Hm?

[Cut to Eric, Cory, and Shawn, sitting side by side by side. Cue Godfather Music]

(Eric glares a Cory and Shawn expectingly, who return the look)

Cory: (To Shawn) I feel as though this gentleman may require our attention.

Shawn: Perhaps. A lesson in humility.

Cory: Something big.

Shawn: Something spectacular.

Cory: (Out of “Godfather” character) But let’s not get caught like all the other times, okay? (Shawn nods in agreement.)

-Commercial Break-

[SCENE – Science Lab C. Shawn and Cory enter. There are papers and artifacts all over shelves and the desk.]

Cory: Shawny, of all the plans we concocted, this is the best one. (Shuts door) And we have concocted some doozies.

Shawn: And Feeny always caught us.

Cory: Yeah, he always had us figured out.

Shawn: Well we’re in college now, we’re older, we’re wiser.

Cory: You think he’s up to the challenge?

Shawn: It’s us against him. Living on the edge, babe.

Cory: I like when you call me “babe”.

Shawn: Alright! So, Eric said this guy Curtis stored all the stuff from his last dig here in the science lab.

Cory: Yeah, he’s supposedly got something that’s gonna alter the course of the new millennium.

Shawn: Are we ready to execute phase one of our master plan?

Cory: Ready, let’s mess this place up! (Shawn throws a folder in the air as does Cory. Papers fly everywhere) Y’know, Shawny, I honestly don’t see how anything can be simpler.

Shawn: This is child’s play. (Turns to desk with a brain in a jar on it) What’s this, a brain?

Cory: That’s gotta be his discovery. He’s discovered the world’s first brain. This gets out, Feeny will never get the dean.

Shawn: You can get any woman with the world’s first brain.

Cory: Could I get… Topanga?

Shawn: Yeah, I think you could.

Cory: Woohoo! (Grabs jar and struggles to open it)

Shawn: Whoa, hey! That jar’s been closed for 5000 years.

Cory: (Still struggling) Y’know, this must be the world’s first jar. How do I get this thing open?

Shawn: Well, here, here. (Takes jar) Hand me the rare Phoenician mallet. (Cory hands him mace-like spiky thing) No, no, no, no. That’s an early Egyptian dental tool. (Cory hands him a small, wooden hammer.) Here we go (Shawn hits the jar’s lid and the hammer head pops off) Phoenician peace of crap.

Cory: Shawn, you broke it. That’s not part of the plan.

Shawn: I’ll replace it! I see them all the time at Bed, Bath, & Phoenician. (Still can’t open jar) Here, hand me the Byzantine statue of King Hopheratou. (Cory hands him a small, golden statue. Shawn hits it against the jar lid. It shatters.) Home Shopping Channel! There are 6 billion of them left. (Finally, placed jar on the desk and pries the lid off. Gooiness is stuck to the lid as it’s pulled away.)

Cory: (Removes the brain from the jar. There’s gooiness there, too) Wow. The human brain. The thing that separates us from the animals.

Shawn: Cause they would have an animal brain.

Cory: Yeah. I hold in my hands the pinnacle of God’s creation. Think fast! (Tosses the brain at Shawn. It hits his chest and falls to the floor)

Shawn: (Bends down to pick it up, and comes up with two brain halves) You want personality or motor skills?

[SCENE – Classroom. Feeny is teaching a class. Eric is there]

Feeny: Energy can be emitted or absorbed by matter. But only in small, discrete units called quanta.

Eric: (Stands up, yells and points at Feeny) Feeny stop hiding behind your books!

Feeny: Also fundamental to the development of quantum physics was the uncertainty principle.

Eric: (Starts towards Feeny, between desks) Oh, Feeny, you’re in pain.

Feeny: Eric, you’re not even in this class!

Eric: Someone who is perfectly fine does not let some world-famous super-duper explorer guy who’s five times the man you’ll ever be swoop in and take your booty.

Feeny: She is not my booty. (Holds up hands apologetically) …I mean… And if she was my booty I would prefer not to talk about my booty in front of the entire class.

Eric: Come on, Feeny, everybody knows!

Feeny: No one knows. I have behaved in a manner befitting a man of my station.

Eric: Word salad, Feeny. Okay. (Turns to class) Who here knows who Feeny loves?

Class: The dean.

Feeny: (To class) Alright, everybody out! (Class leaves)

Eric: What just ruined it for you, Mr. Feeny? Why won’t you make your move?

Feeny: Eric. In a world that is not run by savages there is such a thing as decorum. Now decorum would suggest that a gentleman allow a lady to resolve an old relationship before he engages her in a new one.

Eric: Yes, but see you’re already in a new relationship. You’re in a triangle, Feeny (Makes square with fingers). And take it from someone who’s been in a triangle before: He who hesitates is lost. RAAACHELLLLL!!! I’m okay, I’m okay. I’m fine, I’m just like you.

Feeny: Oh, dear, I don’t wanna be like you. (Eric is weeping)

[SCENE – Science Lab C, continued from earlier]

Shawn: Cory, look what you did! You had a perfectly good world’s first brain and now look at it.

Cory: I’m sorry.

Shawn: Well, here. Just, like, smush it back together and put it back in the jar. (Hands brain halves to Cory, who puts them back together and drops them in the jar. The halves don’t stay together.)

Cory: Y’know what? I better hide this because… (Drops jar on top of another jar on a box next to the desk) Uh-oh.

Shawn: You broke another jar? (Bends down to inspect it) I wonder what was in that one. (Buzzing sound)

Cory: Whoa.

Shawn: Whoa! That is one angry bee.

Cory: Alright, forget the bee, on to phase two.

Shawn: Yeah, why don’t we open a window for some air.

Cory: (acting) Wait a minute, Shawn? Won’t opening a window set off an alarm? (Shawn opens a window, the alarm goes off)

Shawn: (acting) Oh, man. We never learn anything, do we?

Cory: No, now the teacher from next door is gonna hear that alarm.

Shawn: And he’s gonna come in here all mad.

Cory: And I wonder who that teacher’s gonna be.

(enter Feeny)

Cory & Shawn: (acting) Oh, no. It’s Feeny.

Feeny: What’s going on in here?

Cory: Nothing.

Shawn: We didn’t break this stuff.

Feeny: Well who did?

Cory: (Jabs finger accusingly) You did!

Shawn: And we’re telling. (Cory and Shawn run and exit, shut door behind them, locking Feeny in).

Feeny: (Struggles to open door. Bangs on it.) Hey!

[SCENE – Jack & Rachel’s apartment. Rachel is happy in a beautiful black dress. Enter Jack from bedroom]

Rachel: Come on out, Jack, I wanna see how good you look.

Jack: (Waves and walks down stairs. When he arrives next to Rachel, they are the same height) How you doing?

Rachel: (Noticing his height) Okay, something’s different.

Jack: Yeah, we’re going out. Let’s go. Hey hey. (Makes for exit)

Rachel: (Stops him) Wait a second. You’re tall.

Jack: Yeah, so are you. Let’s go. (Makes for exit again)

Rachel: (Stops him again) No. I mean, I’m looking straight ahead and suddenly you’re in my field of vision. What’d you do?

Jack: Well, I’m standing up straight. You know me, I’m a schlump. I’m a real down looker (looks down). Alright let’s go, hey hey.

Rachel: What is on your feet?

Jack: My dancing shoes.

Rachel: Ugh. I can’t believe this, Jack, you bought elevator shoes.

Jack: They’re not elevator shoes. The guy never called them elevator shoes.

Rachel: Oh what’d he call them?

Jack: Manly step-ups.

Rachel: Ugh, Jack!

Jack: What?

Rachel: I can’t believe this! You… That’s why you didn’t want to go out with me because you’re too embarrassed to be seen with me because I’m so tall.

Jack: What’re you talking about?

Rachel: My whole life I’ve been the tall one, the bean pole…

Jack: I never thought that!

Rachel: “Hey, stilts, how’s the weather up there?”

Jack: You’re crazy. You know why I didn’t want to go out with you? Because I thought they’d say, “Hey, look at the model with that shrimp.”

Rachel: What are you talking about? You’ve never been worried about this before when we’ve been out.

Jack: Yeah, but we’ve only been out as friends, I never really thought about this until we got together. Y’know what, to be honest? I never thought you’d be interested in me.

Rachel: I am interested in you, Jack. (Steps closer and glances down) But not in those.

Jack: Okay. (Sits and removes elevator shoes) Y’know what? I would love to go dancing. (Puts on regular shoes)

Rachel: Really? You mean in front of everybody?

Jack: Yes. In front of the whole… (Stands and looks her in the eye) …world. Alright, let’s dance.

Rachel: Oh, Jack.

Jack: Come on. (They exit. Rachel grabs her coat. They walk into the elevator where there is a short, old woman. Jack stands between Rachel and the old woman.) How you doing?

Old Woman: (After long pause, looks up at Jack)(Loudly) She’s too tall for you. (Elevator doors close.)

[SCENE – Science Lab C, continued from earlier. Feeny is drying the brain with a handkerchief. Dean Bolander enter with Cory and Shawn.

DB: George!

Feeny: What? This? (Holds up brain halves) I didn’t do this.

(enter Angela, Topanga, and Eric)

DB: I didn’t believe them when they told me but it’s hard to argue with something that’s right in front of your face.

Cory: We’re just as shocked as your are, dean.

Feeny: Now, look, this is insane.

Shawn: Put the brain down! (Feeny puts brain on desk, scared)

DB: What in heavens name were you thinking of when you did this?

Feeny: I didn’t do it! They did it! (Points to Cory and Shawn)

Shawn: (Acting taken aback) (Gasps)

Cory: (Acting taken aback) Mr. Feeny! We are insulted! Shawn and I have been upstairs selling muffins for the underprivileged.

Feeny: They were down here with me. Topanga (turns to her), you wouldn’t lie for him. Where was he?

Topanga: He’s been selling muffins all day.

Angela: So was Shawn.

Shawn: We’re legitimate now.

DB: Why did you do this, George?

Eric: Oh, you know something, dean? This was simply just an act of love culminating in an act of vandalism. It actually happens all the time.

DB: An act of love? Was this an act of love, George?

Feeny: (Eric is poking him, gritting his teeth. Cory and Shawn and nodding and mouthing “yes” behind Dean Bolander’s back) Yeah. (Eric nods in triumph and peels away towards the girls) Yep.

Kinkade: (enters) Alright, nobody move. Where’s my bee?

DB: Bee? What bee?

Kinkade: My bee! It’s my discovery!

Cory: (To Shawn) Uh-oh.

Kinkade: (searching the room) It’s an African k*ller bee I’ve been searching for it for years!

Shawn: Curtis? You’ve been out of town a little too long. Those African k*ller bees are swarming all over the country. They’re due in Philly next Tuesday.

Kinkade: This bee has a reverse migration pattern. We mate that species with the k*ller bees that are already here they start migrating back where they originated from saving thousands of lives. I could be rich!!

(Bee buzzes)

Cory: It’s the bee! (Everybody panics)

Eric: (Steps forwards and grabs the half-broken Byzantine stature from earlier) Everybody relax! I’ll k*ll it!

Kinkade: (Takes statue) No, don’t touch that bee! (Eric glares at him and walks away)

DB: Curtis, no. (Takes statue) The statue of King Hopheratou you gave me for our anniversary. It’s broken.

Kinkade: The hell with the statue, this stuff is nothing but junk compared to that bee!

DB: (Shocked) Junk?

Kinkade: Shh! Don’t move. The bee’s on you.

DB: (Bee on her neck) Oh, Curtis, you know I’m allergic to bee.

Kinkade: So you puff up for a little while, this is my nobel prize.

Feeny: (Steps forward and slams dirty handkerchief on the desk) I don’t think so, Curtis. (Snatches bee of Dean Bolander’s neck. The bee stings his hand) Ow! (winces, inhales slowly and turns to Dean Bolander) Ow. (Opens hand and presents bee to Kinkade) I think this belongs to you. I’ll return the stinger as soon as it works its way out of my flesh.

Kinkade: (Takes bee gingerly in his hand) No, no, no don’t die, don’t die! Quick, where’s the zoology department? (Cory, Eric, and Shawn all point different directions. Kinkade exits)

Eric: That’s guy’s a joke, man.

DB: (holding Feeny’s injured hand) George, that’s the most wonderful thing anybody’s ever done for me.

Feeny: I wouldn’t let anything harm you, Lila. I hope you feel the same way about me.

DB: (Deep Relief) What took you so long, George?

Eric: Kiss her, Feeny. (He and Feeny exchange glances)

Feeny: (Kisses Dean Bolander passionately. Everyone in the room applauds.)

Cory: (To Shawn) This is a beautiful moment.

Shawn: What’s even more beautiful is the first time we’ve ever gotten away with anything in our lives. (High five with Cory)

[Cut to Cory and Shawn washing windows outside the student café. They’re both wearing orange jumpsuits]

Cory: We’ve washed 734 windows so far.

Shawn: How did this blow up in our face?

Cory: I don’t know. We had Feeny scammed.

Shawn: Yeah, Feeny was nothing. But his chick is tough.

[Cut to Feeny and Dean Bolander having coffee in the café. Feeny’s hand is bandaged]

Feeny: (Dean Bolander puts her hand on his hurt hand) Ouch.

DB: Oh, does it still hurt?

Feeny: A little.

DB: Do you want me to?

Feeny: Oh, please. (Dean Bolander kisses his hand) All better. (They laugh quietly) I want to thank you again for going easy on the boys.

DB: Oh, George. One of the reasons I was attracted to you was because I’d never seen a teacher whose students were willing to go to such lengths to see him happy.

Feeny: You never actually thought I was the perpetrator?

DB: Oh, well… I have no doubt that you’re capable of acting with reckless abandon.

Feeny: I am, I am.

Eric: (Pulls up chair and sits with them. He’s holding a broom wearing and orange jumpsuit, too) Hey! Well this is great, isn’t it? I mean you love him, he loves you, I love you both, we’re a triangle. Now, um, dean, there’s something you should know, Feeny and I like to hang out quite a bit so if I’m ever around and you guys are getting…… frisky (Feeny gets up) or whatever it is you guys do I’m gonna need some kind of a signal to know that it’s time… (Feeny picks him up by the collar and pulls him away) This’ll work.

[TAG – Hallway in front of Jack & Rachel’s apartment. Jack and Rachel are returning home from dancing. They get off the elevator. Another old woman is standing there.]

Jack: (To Rachel) I don’t know what I was thinking. We are perfect for each other.

Rachel: Yeah.

Jack: Perfect.

Rachel: (To old woman) Hi, Mrs. Pertleson.

Mrs. Pertleson: (To Jack) She’s too tall for you. (Walks onto elevator) (Jack rushes after her, like he’s going to hit her, but Rachel grabs him and stops him)

Rachel: Jack! No! Hey! Jack, look, um, you said you weren’t going to let this bother you, okay?

Jack: It’s no problem. I’m okay.

Rachel: Okay, great.

Jack: (At elevator) I hope the cable breaks, Mrs. Pertleson!

Rachel: Jack, why do we go inside and make a snuggly?

Jack: Yeah. I’m not too short for that.

Rachel: I know. (She starts to unlock the door, but the door flies open. There is a burglar inside wearing a black ski mask and holding their stereo)

Jack: (Grabs a baseball bat) Hey! Hey! Come any closer and I’ll club you! (The burglar doesn’t move. Jack moves closer and removes the burglar’s ski mask. It’s yet another old lady)

Old Lady: She’s too tall for you. (Exits with stereo)

-End-