05x19 - Eric Hollywood

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TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: Ok, listen carefully because this is about to get very confusing. In this episode, Eric goes to Hollywood to star in a show called 'Kid Gets Acquainted With Universe'. The stars of this show are played by spoofed up versions of the stars of Boy Meets World. Ben Savage plays Cory on BMW - in this episode, he also plays Ben Sandwich, who plays 'Rory' on KGAWU. With me so far? Rider Strong plays Shawn on BMW - in this episode, he also plays Schneider, who plays 'Shane' on KGAWU. We also meet Morgan, Topanga and Jack's actor-counterparts when Eric is on set (played by Lindsay Ridgeway, Danielle Fishel and Matt Lawrence, respectively) but they aren't named, so in this transcript I've referred to them by the actor's real names.

In the very last scene of this episode, Ben Savage (Cory), Will Friedle (Eric), and Rider Strong (Shawn) break out of character and play themselves, so in this transcript, once they break out of character, they are referred to by their real names.

Get it? Got it? Good.




[A stage somewhere in Pennbrook University. Eric is wearing a tool belt and securing the props, while guys and girls in Shakespearean costumes are dotted abut practicing lines; one girl (Judy) is having the hem of her dress seen to]

ERIC: Yep, without me, Judy, your pretty little legs wouldn't have a balcony to stand on.

JUDY: Is it secure?

ERIC: [confidently] That baby's as secure as I am.

[Judy looks wearily at Eric]

ERIC: [concerned] Why? What? You don't think I'm secure?

[There's a crash and a wail from someone at the back of the stage; a guy (Dylan) is lying crushed under the fallen balcony; Judy runs over to him]

JUDY: Oh, Dylan! Are you ok??

DYLAN: I have no feeling in my arms or my legs!

JUDY: Oh great, now I've got no Romeo.

[Judy storms off and Professor Cookmand emerges from behind the back curtains]

PROFESSOR: Ok! Who built the balcony? [looking directly at Eric]

ERIC: Ok, in retrospect it might have been foolish of me to consider paste a nail's silent cousin, but you live, you learn.

[Dylan is being carted away on a stretcher in the background by paramedics]

PROFESSOR: I have four hundred people coming! Not to mention Mr Geoffrey Madell, the esteemed theatre critic from the Pennysaver! What do you suggest I do?

ERIC: Well you're really old, why don't you retire?

[The professor turns to Dylan who is lying motionless by the side of the stage; a paramedic charges up a defibrillator machine]

PROFESSOR: Dylan, are you sure you can't go on?

PARAMEDIC: Clear!

[A paramedic puts the two charged discs to Dylan's chest, making Dylan jolt violently]

PROFESSOR: What about just the matinee?

[The paramedics pack up and begin to wheel Dylan away]

ERIC: Ok, ok [hops off the stage] I'll just get some tights and take these funny little booties here. [pinches the shoes off Dylan's feet and winks at him] Thanks.

PROFESSOR: [amused] You, Romeo? Tis to laugh!

ERIC: Tis it? [Eric's expression suddenly changes completely; he speaks dramatically] Oh my love... my wife... thou hath not conquered... beauty's ensign yet

is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks... and death's pale flag is not advanced there... [he looks down as though pained]

PROFESSOR: [pleased; speechless] Oh! Oh my! That was exquisite.

ERIC: [snaps out of his stupor] Yeah well, been building that balcony since the first rehearsal, so I can do the whole play. I can do Lady Capulet, I can do Friar Lawrence, I can do Cartman - 'I'm not fat! I'm fashionably plump!'.

PROFESSOR: Please, go and put your tights on.

ERIC: Ok, but, I do have the part, right? Ok.


---

[The performance of Romeo and Juliet. Jack is playing Tybalt, presumably this scene starts from just after Tybalt has k*lled Mercutio, as Romeo (Eric) is confronting him; Eric and Jack circle each other slowly]

ERIC: [to Jack] Mercutio slain? Fire-ey'd fury be my conduct now. Now, Tybalt, take the villain back again, for Mercutio's soul is but a little way above our heads, waiting for thine to keep him company. Either thou... or I... or BOTH must go with him!

JACK: Thou wretched boy, that didst consort him here... shalt with him hence.

[Both draw their swords]

ERIC: This... shall determine that.

[They clash swords and Eric grins mischievously, whispering so only Jack can hear]

ERIC: Prepare to die, Jedi master!


---

[The end of the performance - curtain call; Eric, Jack and the other performers are bowing to the audience, who are applauding wildly - loudest of all is Professor Cookmand; Judy is holding a bouquet of roses and smiling]

PROFESSOR: [approaching Eric] Bravo, Eric! Bravo! [snatches the bouquet from Judy and thrusts it into Eric's hands] I haven't seen such raw talent since I directed Meryl Streep in the 1977 senior class production of the Meryl Streep Show!

JUDY: [kindly] Eric, you were amazing.

ERIC: [to Judy] Y'know something? You didn't like me at all before I became Romeo, did you? [takes her hand and leads her to the front of the stage; both continue to smile to the crowd whilst talking] But now all of a sudden all these people are applauding for me and that impresses you. Y'know there's a name for people like you?

JUDY: Really? What?

ERIC: Mrs Eric Matthews.

[Eric hands her the bouquet; Judy giggles and they both bow to the audience to a standing ovation]


---

[The Matthews' kitchen. Alan, Amy and Morgan are sitting at the table looking at newspaper cuttings when Eric enters]

ERIC: I - have finally - found my niece.

ALAN: You mean 'niche'.

ERIC: [shrugs] Probably.

ALAN: ...Unbelievable.

AMY: [looking at the cuttings] These reviews are incredible!

ERIC: Look, Mom, if you're gonna pay attention to the good reviews, you gotta look at the bad ones. [hands her a newspaper]

MORGAN: But there are no bad ones.

ERIC: [excitedly] I KNOW!!!!! HAHAHA! [plonks himself next to Morgan]

AMY: Look at this. [reading various cuttings] 'Matthews' King Lear rules', 'Matthews' performance would tame any shrew'. [looks at Eric earnestly] Promise me you won't let these things go to your head.

ERIC: [incredulous] I would never!

AMY: [unfolds one of the papers] Ooh look, Bloomingdales is having a White Sale!

ERIC: THAT'S NOT ABOUT ME!! [screws up the paper and throws it on the floor]


---

[Shawn and Jack's apartment; Shawn exits one of the bedrooms and leaps over the banister]

SHAWN: C'mon, Jack! Cory's gonna be here in like-

[doorbell rings]

SHAWN: Now. Get your coat!

[Shawn opens the door - it's Topanga]

SHAWN: [double-takes] Topanga? What're you doing here?

TOPANGA: [walks in] There's something I want to talk to you about.

SHAWN: Well, actually we were just on our way out...

TOPANGA: I just wanna make sure you and I are ok.

[Shawn looks awkward but closes the door]

SHAWN: Yeah... yeah, we're ok. Why?

TOPANGA: Well I know that since Cory and I broke up, things have been kinda weird between us.

[Jack enters from his bedroom]

TOPANGA: I care about being your friend. [spots Jack, whose face is covered in red spots] Jack! What happened to your face?!

JACK: [to Shawn] Well apparently she doesn't care about being my friend.

SHAWN: [to Topanga] We're on our way to a basketball game - now is not the time to be making fun of Jack's face.

TOPANGA: No, he's not going anywhere. [peers closely at Jack] Those look like chickenpox! Do they itch?

JACK: No, not really. However these are a little irritating. [holds up his arm which is covered in bigger, redder spots, and scratches it]

TOPANGA: All right, you've got it. This is serious, if you don't take care of these now, you could get really sick.

JACK: I don't wanna die! [sinks onto a stool]

SHAWN: [irritated] Nobody's dying - WE are going to the game!

[doorbell rings]

SHAWN: [to Topanga] That's Cory.

TOPANGA: [runs to the door] No! Cory, don't come in here! [attaches the door chain]

CORY: Ok... [surprised] Topanga, what are you doing in there?

[Cory pushes the door, but the door chain barely lets it open; Topanga pushes the door closed again]

SHAWN: She's trying to keep us from going to see the Sixers!

TOPANGA: Cory, they have chickenpox, run away or you could catch them!

SHAWN: Save your breath, Topanga, he is not going to listen to you.

[Shawn unlatches the chain and opens the door just in time to see Cory disappear down the elevator]

SHAWN: I can't believe how whipped that boy is! [turns on Topanga] And what do you mean 'they' have chickenpox?

JACK: [scratching his arm] I don't wanna die!

TOPANGA: You're not going to die. I'm gonna stay here and take care of both of you. [to Shawn] Jack has full-blown chickenpox, and you have half-blown chickenpox.

SHAWN: [laughs] That is so ridiculous. Ok, if I have chickenpox then where are my dots?

[Topanga lifts up Shawn's shirt - his stomach is covered in red spots]

TOPANGA: Should I connect them for you?

JACK: [to Shawn] Aw, man! You're dying worse than I am.

SHAWN: [disbelieving] I feel fine! So I have dots.

TOPANGA: That's because it hasn't hit you yet! When I had it, I had dots, a fever, and I couldn't stand on my own two feet.

SHAWN: And any time during the sickness, did you ever get... quiet?

TOPANGA: I'll excuse that because I know you're sick.

SHAWN: I am NOT sick! I have never felt better. [walks past Topanga, then looks suddenly faint] Or perhaps I have. Put out your arms now.

[Shawn collapses onto Topanga and they both fall on the couch]


---

[The stage at Pennbrook. Eric's just finished another performance and Alan, Amy and Mr Feeny are waiting for him looking very proud; Eric hops off the stage dressed as Hamlet and greets them]

AMY: Here he is! [hugs Eric]

ALAN: Y'know, the real tragedy tonight is that William Shakespeare couldn't be here to see how good you are!

ERIC: [waves a dismissive hand] Oh, he can come tomorrow; I'll be here all week.

ALAN: ...Unbelievable.

AMY: I cannot believe how deeply you feel up there, Eric! I mean, when you jumped into Ophelia's grave, overcome with emotion, and then wept openly... where did you get your motivation?

ERIC: I got it right here in the script. Look. [pulls out the book Hamlet from inside his coat and shows them] 'Weeps openly' - I mean, they tell you what to do!

MR FEENY: [patting him on the back] Indeed! A true Thespian.

[Professor Cookmand enters cheerfully, followed by three men]

PROFESSOR: Eric! There are some gentlemen here who want to talk to you about your future.

ERIC: [excitedly] Are they gypsies?

MAN 1: [offers his hand] Randolf Dickson. Juilliard.

ERIC: [to Mr Feeny] What's that?

MR FEENY: The most prestigious acting school in the country.

MAN 2: Sir Ralph Cramsdon. RSC.

ERIC: [to Mr Feeny] What's that?

MR FEENY: Royal Shakespeare Company. The most famous theatrical company in the world!

MAN 3: [to the other men] 'Scuse me. [holds out his hand to Eric] Matt Frasier. ABC.

[Eric's jaw drops]

MR FEENY: [to Eric] What's that?

ERIC: The American Broadcasting Company, the number one network alphabetically in the world!

MR FEENY: Oh.

MATT FRAZIER: [to Eric] How would you like to come to Hollywood and be on television?

ERIC: ME - IN THE TV?!

[Matt nods; Eric turns, open-mouthed, to Mr Feeny, who rolls his eyes]


---

[Hollywood. Mr Feeny and Eric are driving around in a golf buggy; they go past the sets of Seinfeld and Third Rock From the Sun; Eric tries to use a public phone, which is carried away by prop men; Eric points excitedly at everything and Mr Feeny rolls his eyes; a girl in an elaborate gown walks past and Eric checks her out; they get back in the buggy and Mr Feeny drives them to the set of 'Kid Gets Acquainted With Universe']

ERIC: I'm home! This is where I belong! Thanks for coming with me, Mr Feeny. It would've been so uncool if my parents came.

MR FEENY: I'm just here to see that you get settled. Now remember - keep both your feet on the ground. This town is swimming with sharks.

ERIC: Hey, stop attacking my town! And the people here are real down-to-earth; good kindly folk.

[Eric is suddenly jolted forwards on the buggy]

VOICE: Hey! Get out of my space!

[A girl who looks a 'LOT' like Morgan's actress, Lindsey, is in a buggy of her own and ramming into the back of Eric's]

ERIC: Here's one of them now [gets out the buggy and waves] Hey, nice person!

LINDSAY: What do I have to do - call my attorney?! GET OUT OF MY SPACE!!

[Rams Eric's buggy until it rolls away]

LINDSAY: Thank you.

MR FEENY: You're welcome. And who might you be, little girl?

LINDSAY: I'm not a little girl, I'm forty-two! I just play little girls on TV! They need a little sister on this --, they track me out, you know? But what am I supposed to do? [takes off sunglasses and sings gruffly] 'Three kids in college, a husband who's a lush, and the doctor says I might be growing!' Thanks for listening, you're a sweet kid. [walks past Eric and pinches his butt] Hel-lo! [walks into the studio]

MR FEENY: Eric, are you sure you want to go through with this?

ERIC: [grins] Oh, more than anything!


---

[Shawn and Jack's apartment. Jack is lying on the couch with his head on Topanga's lap; Topanga's reading aloud, near the end of the book; both are looking teary; Shawn is standing by the kitchen counter]

TOPANGA: [reading] 'And as he looked into her dying eyes, and gently cradled her dying head, he knew they would be together again someday.'

JACK: [weepy] In heaven?

TOPANGA: [crying] Yes! [grabs a tissue and hands it to Jack]

SHAWN: [scratching his arms profusely] Ok, Topanga, that's very nice. My brother and I appreciate everything you're doing for us, but - we're all better now! So next time we get the chickenpox, we'll give you a call.

TOPANGA: Shawn, stop scratching.

SHAWN: [gritting his teeth and digging his fingernails into his arm] Topanga... I really don't want your help!

JACK: [sitting up] Well I do, Shawn. Topanga's a good nurse. [feels his forehead] My fever's down to malaria-level. I think I can go back to my village now. [passes out]

TOPANGA: He's delirious. Jack!

[Jack looks up with crossed eyes]

TOPANGA: You can't get off this couch, ok?

JACK: Ok. I don't care what he says [points to Shawn] I want you to stay.

SHAWN: [shaking his head] Jack...

TOPANGA: [getting up] Shawn, it's ok. He doesn't know what he's saying, it's the fever talking.

JACK: [slurring] That's not right. He doesn't want to be friends with you because you broke up with Cory. That means you were never really friends! No friends... no friends at all... [passes out again]

TOPANGA: [quietly] It seems to be a very perceptive fever, doesn't it?

[Topanga and Shawn look at each other]


---

[On the set of 'Kid Gets Acquainted With Universe'. Eric and Mr Feeny walk in and Matt Frazier spots them]

MATT: Hey, Eric! Heeey! C'mere, buddy! Meet some of the cast and your new family for the next hundred episodes - I hope, I hope, I hope! Hey guys, this is Eric Matthews.

[Screen cuts to Ben and Schneider (see top of transcript) on the living room set - Ben is lounging in a director's chair reading a newspaper, he glances at Eric expressionlessly; Schneider is hunched on the couch biting his nails and doesn't look up]

MATT: He's gonna be playing the role of a long lost brother. He's come all the way from Philadelphia to try out, so let's make him feel welcome!

[Ben glances up impassively; Matt walks over to him and pats him on the back]

MATT: [to Eric] This is our star, Ben Sandwich. Hey, maybe you've heard of his brother - Bread Sandwich?

ERIC: Oh, from that show! [offers Ben his hand]

BEN: Oh, yeah! [suddenly smiles and takes Eric's hand] Hey! How ya doing? Listen. [pulls Eric to him and murmurs in his ear] Let me tell you what this show is not.

ERIC: [nods] Mm hmm.

BEN: [yells] This is NOT 'Long Lost Brother Gets Acquainted With the Universe'! Ok?

ERIC: Ok...

[Eric forces a smile and Ben walks away; Eric approaches Schneider confidently and offers his hand]

ERIC: How ya doing?

[Schneider looks up at Eric fearfully, hugging his knees to his chest; Eric quickly withdraws his hand]

SCHNEIDER: Sometimes I get shy. [stares] People who aren't shy make me nervous.

[A nearby door swings open and Danielle is standing in the doorway posing provocatively]

DANIELLE: HIIIII!

SCHNEIDER: [petrified] Oh no, it's her!

DANIELLE: [spotting Eric] OH! Are you the new guy?!

ERIC: Yeah, hi!

[Danielle wraps her arms around Eric's neck in a showbiz hug, which Eric apprehensively returns]

DANIELLE: Hi, WELCOME! [pulls away] Have you met Schneider?

ERIC: Yeah. [gestures to Schneider's huddled form on the couch]

DANIELLE: [speaking deliberately as though everyone in the room is stupid] Schneider is VERY SHY. [wraps her arms around Schneider and hugs him]

SCHNEIDER: [screwing his eyes closed] Too close too close too close!

DANIELLE: [still hugging Schneider, she looks up at Eric] Deep down, I'm shy too. I'm a wounded bird! [snuggles up to Schneider] SCHNEIDER AND ME ARE WOUNDED BIRDS!

[Schneider, horror-struck, looks at Eric]

SCHNEIDER: [hisses] Help me!

[Eric backs away looking bewildered; Matt Lawrence approaches and slaps a hand down on Eric's shoulder]

MATT L: [growls] Why do they need you?

ERIC: What?

MATT L: Well they've got me already, why do they need you?

ERIC: Actually they just told me-

MATT L: They got ME! This doesn't make any sense! They've got me, why do they need you? [looks down at his empty hands] Where's my banana? [looks around] Is it or is it not two-fifteen?! Hey, Banana Boy! Where's my Banana Boy?! [spots someone] All right - Mango Boy, you're promoted, baby!

[Matt Lawrence strides off; Eric's left standing on his own with wide eyes]

ERIC: Nutty! Oook, Mr Feeny, these people are- [looks around] Mr Feeny?

[Camera cuts to Mr Feeny, who is pacing around the set of the school classroom and eyeing it critically; Matt is nearby, presumably showing Mr Feeny around]

MR FEENY: You call this a classroom? There are only nine desks. Are we supposed to believe there are only nine students in the whole class?

MATT: Well actually, camera angles would make it appear to be more.

MR FEENY: That's diabolical!

[Matt laughs and walks away; Mr Feeny follows]

MATT: [claps his hands] All right, everybody! Let's show Eric how it's done. Into costumes, c'mon!

[Matt walks past the living room set, where Eric, Ben and Schneider are; Ben and Schneider swap shirts]

BEN: [cruelly] Hey, Schneider. Listen, maybe if you give me a little something to play off today, ok, huh?! You dead person. You silent freak.

[Eric looks on anxiously]

BEN: Y'know, I am so sick and tired of carrying this show.

SCHNEIDER: [kindly] I'm sorry, Mr Sandwich, please don't be upset with me. I need this job so I can pay for college and get an education.

BEN: [laughs mockingly] Education! Son, listen. This goes four years, they'll give you an honorary degree - you'll be Doctor Creepy Weirdo.

MATT: C'mon - places. All right?

[Eric sidles off-stage]

MATT: Three... two... one... [quietly] action!

[Schneider and Ben miraculously become their characters]

SCHNEIDER: [like Shawn] Look, Rory, all you have to do is get the keys to your father's car, and his credit card-

BEN: [like Cory] I don't know, Shane. I got a real bad feeling about this one. You know? I've never done anything like this before. [suddenly stares at the script looking incredulous; he snaps out of character] Oh man. [glares at Matt] We're doing this story AGAIN?!

[Ben throws the script onto the floor and Schneider backs away nervously]

BEN: [advancing towards Matt, angrily] How many times have we done this, Matt? A hundred thousand?!

SCHNEIDER: [scared] He's yelling again. Stop the yelling!

BEN: [to Matt] How can I learn so much every week and yet - still - be - so - STUPID?!

SCHNEIDER: [huddles up on the couch with his hands pressed over his ears, crying and rocking back and forth] Ohh make him stop! Make him stop!!

MATT: [to Ben] Ok, ok! We'll get the writers to fix it! C'mon, Ben, we've got the best writers in town!

[Schneider runs past in the background with his hands clapped over his ears]

BEN: Yeah, that's all I hear, Matt! They're YOUNG! They're HIP! They're FUN! HEY! [runs over to the table of writers, who are little kids] DO YOUR JOBS!! [one of the kids pouts at him] Oh what's wrong? Did I hurt your feelings? GOOD! BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THIS SCRIPT IS? POOPY!!

KID 1: It's not poopy - you're poopy!

KID 2: [wearily] Oh boy.

KID 3: [to Kid 1] That was a good thing to say! Let's just watch what happens now.

BEN: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT! YOU'RE FIRED, ALL OF YOU! GET OUT! AND CLEAN OUT YOUR CUBBIES!

KID 4: [throws down his pencil] I am too old and too rich.

KID 5: [on a cell phone] Mommy, I'm fired again.

[The kids pack up their things and leave; Ben makes his way back onto the living room set]

MATT: [to Eric] Ok, Eric, you're playing Derek, right? The older, good-looking, not the sharpest knife in the drawer, long-lost brother with a heart of gold. D'you think you can play that?

ERIC: Can do! Uh, you don't mean real gold, right?

MATT: [smirks] Just like that. [to everyone] Ok, we ready to roll? As they say here in Hollywood - aaaand... [quietly] action!

ERIC: [to Ben in a Shakespearean accent] Atchi-bugachi, little bro! If I can't have my lucky tube socks, I shall NEVER PASS THE ASTRONAUT TEST!!

[Ben looks bewildered; Matt laughs and walks over to Eric]

MATT: That was great, Eric! I personally loved it! [seriously] Don't do it that way. Ok? Don't do Shakespeare - do you.

ERIC: Uh, don't do Shakespeare? All I've ever done is Shakespeare.

MATT: [encouragingly] Do you. The role is you, Eric! Do you!

ERIC: [quietly to Matt] I don't know how to do that...

MATT: Just be honest. Acting... is about honesty.

ERIC: So... all I have to do is stand up here and... be honest?

MATT: That's it.

ERIC: [grins] I can do that!

MATT: [thumbs up] That's cooooooool! All right, let's take it from Ben's line. [goes back off-set] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand... [quietly] action!

BEN: [in character] I'm really sorry, Derek, but... I washed your lucky tube socks. [pulls a pair of tiny tube socks from his pocket] And well... [shrugs exaggeratedly]

ERIC: You're not sorry.

BEN: [confused] What?

ERIC: What, all of a sudden the cameras are on you, you're a different person - what's that all about?

BEN: [looks at Matt] What?!

MATT: [looks at Eric] What?!

ERIC: Tsh, I just saw the way you were acting with the writers over there, I mean you're... you're just mean. [silly voice] Me thinks you shrunk my socks on purpose! [looks at Matt with a big grin] Like that?

MATT: [angrily] CUT!


---

[Outside the studio of 'Kid Gets Acquainted With Universe'. A security guard leaves Eric and Mr Feeny sitting miserably on some props]

ERIC: Sorry for dragging you out to California, Mr Feeny. I had no idea the windy city would be so cruel.

MR FEENY: Eric, just because Mr Frazier didn't like your performance, and... we got thrown out of a studio... doesn't mean you weren't good. That's just one man's opinion!

ERIC: Well, what's your opinion?

MR FEENY: [thinks] Same as his. But what you have to understand is that what comes easily, goes just as easily. And if you want to be an actor badly enough, you have to take classes, study for years, face rejection on a daily basis... and then after ten thousand 'no's, there might be a glimmer of a chance that someone might say yes.

ERIC: [nods] Next, I wanna be... the heavyweight champion of the world!

MR FEENY: Great, let's go home.

ERIC: Ok!


---

[Shawn and Jack's apartment. Jack exits one of the bedrooms; Shawn is lying on the couch with his head on a pillow]

JACK: Hey, bud. I'm going to the grocery store - you want anything?

SHAWN: No. Thanks for asking.

JACK: You're welcome. Hey, you're sure there's nothing you need, right? Like maybe to call up a friend and tell her you're sorry?

SHAWN: I don't know what you're talking about.

JACK: Oh, you know who I mean. [sits on the couch, smiling] She took care of us, she was here a couple of days, now she hasn't been around...

[Shawn says nothing]

JACK: You know the one I mean. Her name rhymes with 'Noschmanga'.

SHAWN: [sits up] It - it's not my fault, Jack. This is what happens when you're friends with a couple and they break up. [firmly] You're forced to choose sides. And Cory's my best friend.

JACK: [mildly sarcastic] Yeah, I'm sure she realises that.

SHAWN: Well yeah, thanks to you.

JACK: Hey look, my temperature was like a hundred and twelve, y'know, I didn't know what I was saying.

SHAWN: [grimly] S'ok. I'm sure she felt uncomfortable too. She's not coming back.

[Jack opens the door to leave - Topanga's standing there]

JACK: [to Shawn] Yeah, you're probably right. [turns to Topanga and hugs her warmly] Hey, my favourite nurse! [kisses her on the cheek] Thank you.

[Jack leaves; Topanga goes into the apartment and Shawn straightens up on the couch]

TOPANGA: [sighing] Look. Shawn, I know you're in a tough situation. Cory's your best friend.

SHAWN: [bites his lip] You know, he used to tell me how wonderful you were. But guys always say great things about their girlfriends until they break up... and that's when the truth comes out. Y'know, I've waited fifteen years to find out what he really thinks about you. Do you wanna know what he thinks about you, now that you've broken up?

TOPANGA: Shawn, I don't want to talk about that! You know, I just came here to tell you that YOU are an unappreciative little jerk. And if you're so uncomfortable around me that we can't be friends now that I'm not seeing Cory, then maybe we were never friends at all. And I want you to tell me that to my face.

SHAWN: Now that you've broken up, he still tells me how wonderful you are. He's completely broken-hearted over what he's lost.

TOPANGA: [quietly] So am I.

SHAWN: [stands up and sighs] Cory's my best friend... but I want to tell you to your face that if I knew that you and I weren't friends anymore... it'd break my heart too.

TOPANGA: [smiles] You want soup?

SHAWN: [grins] Will you feed it to me?

[Topanga nods and Shawn pulls her to him for a hug]


---

[The Matthews' kitchen. Eric is searching in the wash basket and Cory comes down the stairs]

CORY: What're you looking for?

ERIC: I'm supposed to sh**t hoops, I can't find them anywhere!

CORY: Can't find what?

ERIC: My tube socks! My lucky tube socks! Have you by any chance seen them anywhere?

CORY: Oh! Uh... [shifts awkwardly] Well you're gonna find this kinda hard to believe now, Eric, but uh, last night... for no logical reason that you could possibly think of, I... did the wash... instead of Mom... well [laughs nervously] this is so funny!

ERIC: Where are my lucky tube socks?

CORY: Well... [pulls a tiny pair of tube socks from his pocket] I don't think they're so lucky anymore.

['Eric' breaks out of character]

WILL: [annoyed] That's not the line.

BEN: ...What?

WILL: The line was 'Honey, I shrunk the tube socks'.

BEN: Oh... I-I know, I'm sorry, Will. I was - I was trying something new...

WILL: [mocking] Ohh! You were just trying something new, huh?! Yeah, why don't you try THIS! [throws the contents of the washing basket at Ben and starts screaming] IS THIS NEW, HUH?! IS THIS- [throws plates and everything that's on the table on the floor in a tantrum] IS THIS ALL NEW ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?!? NEEEWWWW!! YEEEEAAHHHH!!!! [thrashes about with a tea towel then throws it on the ground] I QUIT!!! I AM OUTTA HERE!!!!

[Will storms off-set; Rider enters as Shawn, ready to do the scene]

SHAWN: Cory! Eric! Guess what? [runs his fingers through his hair] I blew up another mailbox.

[Rider notices the mess and breaks out of character]

RIDER: [to Ben] What, Will flip out again? [staring open-mouthed at the mess]

BEN: Yeah, yeah he did. What're we going to do? I mean, he's going to be hard to replace.

RIDER: Yeah, yeah you're right. [spots someone off-set and calls to them] Hey, Banana B