01x21 - Boy Meets Girl

[bunniefuu]

TRANSCRIBED BY BRYCE D. MAYROSE

(The CLASS is watching a cheesy filmstrip on puberty in FEENY’s class)

FILM Hormones, the telegraph system of the body. Sometime between the ages of 9 and 16,

they’ll start to tell your body to change – very fast.

CORY This movie’s rated H – for Hurl.

FEENY Mr. Matthews, calm down and watch the film.

FILM The changes won’t all be physical – sometimes you’ll feel like you’re on an emotional

roller coaster. For instance, you may occasionally feel aggressive, or weepy.

CORY (‘weepy’) Shawn, I’m feeling so vulnerable… do you have a tissue?

FEENY Shh!

FILM And remember, girls, you’ll get your hormonal telegram well ahead of your boy

classmates.

BOY ON FILM Telegram for Miss Teenager!

FILM Girls, be patient while they catch up to you. Eventually, everyone hears the Morse code

of puberty.

SHAWN I got your Morse code right here. (armpit fart)

FEENY This film is meant to help you understand the metamorphosis your bodies will soon be

going through.

CORY How? That movie’s a hundred years old. The telegram boy was played by George

Burns!

TOPANGA I welcome the changes that will transform me from a caterpillar into a butterfly.

SHAWN You say a butterfly, I say a hairball with wings.

CORY/SHAWN Ha!

FEENY That’s a beautiful outlook, Miss Lawrence.

CORY Beautiful? I’ve seen hormones turn a normal guy’s face into Craters ‘r’ Us!

FEENY Yes, there will be side effects, but those, thank goodness, will be the province of your

seventh grade teacher.

CORY If it happens.

FEENY Oh, it will happen.

CORY Maybe, maybe not. I mean, I’m young and I’m fast. I can dodge hormones for days -

years if I have to! I’m gonna stay twelve ‘til I’m forty-two. And Shawn’s in with me on

this the whole way. Right, Shawn? Shawn? Shawn?

(SCENE CHANGE)

(SHAWN and CORY are in the cafeteria)

SHAWN Tell me something. How do you ask a girl out?

CORY Simple. You open the door and say, “Get out, you’re bothering me.”

SHAWN No, I mean, like, on a date.

CORY Well, Eric uses the shotgun approach – he just keeps dialing random numbers until he

hears the word “yes.”

SHAWN Sounds like a lot of work.

CORY Yeah, and after all that, what do you got? A girl! What’s the point?

(MINKUS walks over)

MINKUS Excuse me. I couldn’t help overhearing your pathetic conversation. Perhaps you two

neophytes would like some coaching from a seasoned veteran.

SHAWN OK, Minkus, let’s pretend for just a minute that I’m actually interested in what you’ve

got to say.

MINKUS Well, girls are soft, caring, gentle creatures of nature – yet so complex and mysterious.

CORY Minkus – get a cat.

MINKUS Here – my research material.

SHAWN Perky magazine?

MINKUS Perky tells girls everything they want to know about themselves. Therefore, if we read

it, we’ll know everything about them, too. It’s the roadmap to their very souls.

CORY (reading) Shaving your legs: how high is high enough?

MINKUS Your little friend there hasn’t gotten his telegraph yet.

CORY (reading) Mascara: use it, don’t abuse it.

SHAWN Well um as long as I don’t actually have to go to the newsstand and buy it, I might as

well borrow it for a couple days.

CORY (reading) Guys with one eyebrow: what’s their problem?

CORY You know, this is the encyclopedia to everything you don’t want to know.

SHAWN Yeah. Can you imagine reading this kind of garbage?

CORY I know. Every morning when I look for a magazine to hide in my math book I think,

“Sports Illustrated,” “Road and Track,” or – wait – how about the lip gloss issue of

“Perky”?

(HILARY comes in)

HILARY Hi, Shawn!

SHAWN (giggles)

HILARY Would you like to go to the movies with me?

SHAWN (giggles)

HILARY Great! We can meet at my locker after school, and my mom will drop us off at the mall.

See you later, Terminator!

(HILARY walks out)

SHAWN (giggles)

CORY Did she just tell a joke I didn’t get? Shawn, stop laughing.

SHAWN I can’t. Woah – I don’t even know what just happened. I’m feeling really weird, Cory.

CORY You look really weird. Shawn, what’s happening?

SHAWN I don’t know. (giggles)

CORY You’re scaring me! Shawn, talk to me!

SHAWN I can’t talk about it. I can laugh about it, but I cannot talk about it.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(ERIC and SHAWN are in ERIC and CORY’s room)

SHAWN OK, so we’re in front of the movie theater.

ERIC First hurdle: did she pay, or did you pay?

SHAWN Eric, we snuck in!

ERIC She agreed to a criminal act – I like this girl!

SHAWN Then I go to get the popcorn.

ERIC Alright, very important. Did she offer to pay?

SHAWN We split it, right down the middle.

ERIC She’s a keeper!

SHAWN Of course, I sprung for the artificial buttery-flavor topping.

ERIC Nice touch. You know, I could really make you into something!

(CORY walks into the room)

CORY What are you guys doing?

ERIC Uh, do you mind? We’re talking here.

CORY You can’t be talking to Shawn, ‘cause Shawn told me he can’t talk to anybody. Did you

forget about our basketball game?

SHAWN I guess I lost track of the time.

ERIC Hang on a minute, Cory. This is guy stuff, OK?

CORY Basketball is guy stuff.

ERIC They’re so cute at this age! Alright, so you and Hilary are sitting in the move theater.

What’d you go see?

SHAWN Like we watched the movie!

ERIC Don’t tell me you …

SHAWN Yes! We threw malt balls at people’s heads for two hours!

ERIC Not the way I would have gone, but hey – you’re still playin’ in the minors.

CORY You know Shawn, there’s probably another solid hour of basketball light out there.

C’mon, let’s go!

(MORGAN enters)

MORGAN You know who I’m sitting in the car with? Nobody.

ERIC Morgan, can’t we do this next week?

MORGAN No! Mother’s Day is Sunday, and I need a present.

CORY That’s right! I need to get one too. I’ve been racking my brain real hard for a special gift

for Mom.

ERIC OK, what do you want me to pick up?

CORY Aw, whatever’s lying around.

MORGAN Move it, mall boy!

(MORGAN and ERIC exit)

SHAWN Let’s go sh**t some hoops.

CORY Wouldn’t you rather play a little one-on-one with Hilary?

SHAWN C’mon Cor, let’s just go play.

CORY No. You made it perfectly clear she throws malt balls as well as I do.

SHAWN You know what? If you hold the malt ball in your mouth for a minute right before you

throw it, it really sticks in people’s hair.

CORY Did Hilary teach you that?

SHAWN Yeah, she’s majorly twisted.

CORY Oh, and suddenly I’m not?

SHAWN Cory, what’s the big deal?

CORY It’s always been you and me.

SHAWN It’s you and me now, and it’s gonna be you and me forever. Nothing has changed.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(CORY and SHAWN in the cafeteria, near a table where HILARY is sitting)

SHAWN I’m gonna go sit with Hilary.

(SHAWN sits down with HILARY)

CORY Oh yeah. Nothing’s changed. Alright, Shawn wants to be with a girl. Two can play at

that game. First stop, research. (CORY walks over to MINKUS’s table) Minkus! Let’s

talk Perky.

MINKUS Your telegram has finally arrived.

CORY No, this isn’t romance: it’s revenge.

MINKUS Two sides of the same hormone.

CORY Alright, bottom line. What does that magazine say you’ve got to do to get a girl to go out

with you?

MINKUS Me? Almost nothing, but, ah, you – it’s gonna take some effort.

CORY And you wonder why you sit alone at lunch.

MINKUS Here’s your first dating tip: Don’t insult the boy with the Perkys.

CORY I’m sorry. Alright, so what do I have to do?

MINKUS According to the survey in the September issue, what do you think is the number one

thing girls want from a guy?

CORY Uh, loose change?

MINKUS That’s number nine. The number one thing is shared interest.

CORY And that means…?

MINKUS Cory, this isn’t algebra. This is something you could conceivably understand.

CORY Shared interest. Talk to me.

MINKUS If she’s into something, show an interest in it. Example: If the girl you’re dating is

interested in numismatics, you talk about …?

CORY Numismos?

MINKUS Coins.

CORY Alright, give me number two on that list, just in case I can’t fake an interest in something.

MINKUS Sense of humor.

CORY No problem: I’m a regular laugh riot. Alright, so how do I select a lucky girl?

MINKUS Well, just think of someone you’re completely comfortable with; someone you could

share a meal with; and someone who doesn’t mind having you around.

CORY Well, my mom’s already taken…

MINKUS Cory, just go for the first thing in a dress.

(CORY gets up and looks for “a dress,” passing over several girls in jeans)

CORY Dress … dress … dress, dress….Topanga!

TOPANGA Yes, Cory?

CORY So, what’s interesting in your life right now?

TOPANGA Well, Mercury is in retrograde, making projects difficult to complete, and causing general

chaos in the universe.

CORY Not only is that unbelievably interesting, it reminds me of a joke I once heard: how did

the astrologer cross the road?

TOPANGA I don’t know.

CORY In his Taurus! But I kid the zodiac. Would you like to go to Bob Stoopcheck’s

BurgerWorld after school?

TOPANGA Cory, I’m a vegetarian.

CORY Of course you are! That’s why we’re just going to meet at BurgerWorld and walk over to

International House of Salad.

TOPANGA I love IHOS!

CORY Who doesn’t?

TOPANGA OK. Gee, I wonder what the Sprout of the Day is.

CORY Who cares? You can’t go wrong with a nice bowl of spaghetti and sprout-balls. So I’ll

just meet you at 4:30.

TOPANGA OK, it’s a date. (walks away)

CORY A date? Who said anything about a date? What have I done?

(SCENE CHANGE)

(ALAN and AMY are in the kitchen)

ALAN What do you know that I don’t know?

AMY Nothing…

ALAN Which kid is it?

AMY Cory.

ALAN Oh, I knew it. OK, OK, let’s see: he’s too old to steal candy, but too young to wreck a

car – oh no, it’s a girl.

AMY It is. Cory is going on his first date! Isn’t that sweet?

ALAN Yeah, poor slob.

AMY What are you saying? You’re his father – you should be proud.

ALAN Hey, I’ve been on the guy side of dating. I mean, he s fine now, but he’s just a little step

away from … (giggles)

AMY Dating was always fun for me. I remember talking on the phone to 8 different guys a

night.

ALAN Yeah, well, the only way I survived it was knowing that one day I’d be married and I’d

be calling the sh*ts.

AMY Honey, I’m so sorry things didn’t work out for you.

ALAN I wonder if I can still warn him about the minefield he’s about to step into without

ruining his life.

AMY Well, Cory doesn’t appear to be suffering like you did. He’s actually excited about this

date. I overheard him telling Shawn that he couldn’t play basketball today because he

was going out with Topanga.

ALAN Topanga? Cory’s always teasing – making fun of her. Oh no – this is bad.

(CORY walks into the kitchen)

CORY Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

AMY Cory, I think this is so wonderful!

ALAN Son, this is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done.

CORY Before I sh**t myself in the foot, which stupid thing are you talking about?

AMY Your date with Topanga!

ALAN What were you thinking?

CORY Everything started getting all fuzzy after that telegram movie.

ALAN Not the hormonal telegram? Are they still showing that film?

AMY I cried during that move.

ALAN If it wasn’t for that movie, I’d still be twelve.

CORY Yeah, it had a weird effect on a lot of people, but ever since we saw it, people are doing

really strange things.

AMY Well, you certainly are; you never asked a girl out before.

CORY Yeah, well, neither did Shawn.

AMY Did you ask Topanga out so you could keep up with him?

CORY Woah – that’s weird! How did she know?

ALAN It’s the Sorority of Satan.

AMY Cor, as much as I wanted to see you go out on your first little date, I don’t think it’s fair

to Topanga.

ALAN As much as I wanted to see it too, I think your mother is right. I think you should cancel.

NOW.

CORY Mom, Dad, you’re right. With women, honesty is the best policy.

ALAN And he thinks he’s ready to date!

(CORY goes into living room, dials phone)

CORY Hi, is Topanga there? Yeah, I did mean physically. Hi, Topanga, it’s me, Cory

Matthews; you probably remember me from school? Well, listen, when I made this date,

I didn’t know it at that time, but now I just found out… Topanga, I gotta be totally

honest with you. I got the flu and I can’t go out. (hangs up phone) I feel fine about that.

(TIME CHANGE)

(CORY is still in the living room, throwing socks into the laundry hamper)

CORY Fallaway jumper at the buzzer… good if it goes… three pointer! Yes! Sixers win! Woo,

woo, woo… (he opens the door for TOPANGA) Wooh…

TOPANGA Hey, Cory, how are you feeling?

CORY Uh, clammy, very flu-ish, yeah, it’s very contagious. You better get outta here.

TOPANGA Here. Drink this. It’ll detoxify your aura.

CORY What is it?

TOPANGA It’s called boncha tea.

CORY Smells like a “boncha” gym socks.

TOPANGA Cory, it’s a remedy that’s been used for centuries.

CORY (‘reading’ bottom of Thermos) “Best if used before Lincoln’s assassination.”

TOPANGA I just wanted to help you feel better. I’m sorry if I bothered you.

CORY Wait, Topanga, thanks for bringing the tea, but I don’t need to drink it ‘cause I’m not

technically sick.

TOPANGA Then why did you say you were?

CORY Well, I guess because I didn’t know how to tell you – I’m not ready to go out on a date

yet.

TOPANGA That’s okay. Jedediah and Chloe have always told me, “Listen to your inner voice. It’ll

let you know what is true for you.”

CORY Yeah, my parents said that too – only they said it without all the planets circling around

their heads.

TOPANGA So I’ll see you at school?

CORY Yeah, unless Feeny moves my seat.

TOPANGA Yeah. Well, I guess I better be going.

CORY And I guess I’ll be stayin’ here.

TOPANGA May ask you a personal question?

CORY Sure.

TOPANGA Why are there socks all over your floor?

CORY Oh, I was just practicing.

TOPANGA I envy your athletic ability.

CORY Oh, this? It’s not so hard. C’mon, I’ll give you some pointers. Alright, first you grab

some a*mo.

TOPANGA (holds up a pair of underwear) Ninja Turtles?

CORY (throws them behind the couch) And now they’re gone. The key is good color

commentary. If you can live up to your own hype, you got it made. Watch this:

Matthews sees an open lane – he drives hard to the boards – he leaps over Shaquille

O’Neal – kisses it off the glass – it’s good, he scores!

TOPANGA I could never do that.

CORY Sure you can. Give it a try.

TOPANGA But I’m not familiar with the terminology.

CORY Alright, I’ll do the color, you just worry about getting the ball in the basket. Topanga’s

triple-teamed at the timeline – she breaks a trap, heads to the top of the key, and leaps

toward the basket doing a spiral tomahawk 360 – slam dunk!

TOPANGA (standing motionless while CORY speaks, then walks over to the hamper and drops the

sock in) Look, we both made a basket.

CORY Technically, yeah, but basketball’s so much more fun when you actually move. Right,

you try and make a basket and I’ll try and block you. (“blocks” TOPANGA, she tosses

the sock over his shoulder into the hamper) Way to go Topanga! (they high-five; CORY

grimaces and moans)

TOPANGA It’s nice that you help your father with the laundry.

CORY Yeah, well, we’re a fairly cutting edge family, so my mom does most of the laundry. I’m

just helping out ‘cause Mother’s Day’s coming up.

TOPANGA So you’re doing chores for your Mother’s Day gift?

CORY You think I could get away with that? What are you getting your mom? I could use

some ideas.

TOPANGA At our house we don’t celebrate Mother’s Day. We feel it’s a merely a commercial

fabrication of the greeting card industry. She has, however, asked for a dustbuster.

CORY My mom’s pretty well set for small appliances, and my funds are sort of limited.

TOPANGA You don’t need money. You just need to use your right brain.

CORY Wow – all these years I been using the wrong one! So, what do you think I should get

my mom?

TOPANGA You can never go wrong with something from the heart.

CORY Right or left heart?

TOPANGA You’re k*lling me, Cory.

(TOPANGA reclines against CORY’s waiting arm)

CORY (grimaces and moans again)

(SCENE CHANGE)

(CORY and SHAWN are sitting on the patio and ERIC walks up)

ERIC Hey guys. There he is, young me. How was your second date?

CORY You had another date?

SHAWN Yeah. My last one.

ERIC Ah, second-date slump; I’ve seen it happen a thousand times. Not to me.

SHAWN No. No, I’m thinking it’s deeper than that. See, each one of us is born with a certain

amount of coolness. Now, a guy like Minkus could live to be a thousand years old and

never use a drop of his cool. Me – I’m a thirteen-year-old burnout.

CORY Shawn, get a grip – you’re still cool. It’s just the planet Mercury in retrospect.

ERIC What are you babbling about?

CORY Some astrology thing. Topanga was explaining it to me.

SHAWN Hey, that’s right. How was your date?

CORY What date? I didn’t have a date. I cancelled it.

ERIC Oh, come on, Cor, when I got home from work you and Topanga were looking pretty

cozy on the couch there.

CORY That was not a date, she just came over to bring me some aura juice.

ERIC And…?

CORY And nothing. I taught her how to sh**t a basket.

ERIC OK, let’s recap. Point a: she brought refreshments, point b: you chose the activity.

SHAWN Sounds like a date to me.

CORY Read my lips: there was no date! We talked about what we were getting our moms for

Mother’s Day.

ERIC Aha! Point c: shared interests.

SHAWN Sixteen to base, we have a confirmed date, send backup.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(CORY walks down the stairs at school to TOPANGA at her locker)

CORY Uh, Topanga, you and I have to get something straight.

TOPANGA Yes, Cory?

CORY Friday night, when you came over to my house – that was not a date.

TOPANGA I’m not into labels.

CORY Yeah, but if you were, what we had Friday night would not be labeled a date ‘cause if

you’ll recall the circumstances of that evening, I canceled what would have been labeled

a date.

TOPANGA That’s fine, Cory. It was not a date. Well, I’ll see you later.

CORY OK. Hey, Topanga, you know, your idea about writing my mom a poem for Mother’s

Day really worked out great. She cried.

TOPANGA Tears are the thank you notes of the soul.

CORY You know a lot about women.

TOPANGA Well, I am going to grow up to be one.

(TOPANGA fixes CORY’s collar and walks away)

(CORY puts it back, then fixes it again)

(SCENE CHANGE)

(CORY and SHAWN are sitting by the lockers)

SHAWN Face it – Minkus was right.

CORY Don’t you hate it when that happens?

SHAWN No matter how you look at it, there’s gonna be hormones, and there’s gonna be girls.

CORY Important girls are gonna come into our lives and stay for days at a time.

SHAWN You know what’s cool? We made it through our first dates, and we’re still best friends.

CORY And we’re gonna stay best friends through second dates, proms, engagements,

marriages…

SHAWN Second marriages.

CORY Whatever comes along we’re going to stand here and face it together shoulder to

shoulder.

(HILARY and TOPANGA walk by in opposite directions)

HILARY Hi, Shawn!

TOPANGA Hi, Cory!

CORY/SHAWN Later!

(CORY and SHAWN follow the GIRLS away out of frame)